Archive of Our Own ^beta

Brook used to be good at stealth missions.

Key phrase being ‘used to be’.

“Brook, you’re mumbling again,” Robin whispered.

Brook winced. “Sorry.”

He’d stopped counting how many times he’d heard that.

This mission was important. Chopper had been captured, and they needed to get him out, preferably without being noticed. Hence why Luffy wasn’t part of the mission alongside Robin, Franky, and Brook.

Brook had started to think he shouldn’t have come either after the seventh time he’d been told to stop mumbling.

They’d been there longer than expected, a few hours if Brook had to guess. Though his sense of time was all but lost. It was too dark and too quiet in that place, and Brook’s mind kept drifting. No matter how hard he tried to focus, he’d end up lost in his head with Robin or Franky having to remind him to be quiet.

It was embarrassing. He’d been nothing but a hindrance.

A hand gently pulled Brook’s from the wall. He tilted his head and- Crap. I was tapping again. Brook gave Robin an apologetic look, though it was so dark he wasn’t sure it would make any difference, especially with his lack of eyes. She released his hand with a smile, though. So, he hoped that meant she understood.

If Brook had pockets, he might have been able to stop the tapping. But as it was, he’d tried holding his cane with both hands to keep them busy, tried holding his hat in his hands, and had tried to stay focused on not touching anything by sheer force of will. All methods had failed, and he’d ended up tapping his cane against the floor or drumming his fingers on his crown or the wall.

I should not have come.

Brook tried crossing his arms and holding on to them. Maybe that would do it.

“I kinda thought I would be the one to blow the mission by being too loud.” Franky chuckled quietly. “Didn’t you get Big Mom’s poneglyphs by sneaking in?”

Brook knew Franky didn’t mean for that to hurt. Knew he was just stating an observation and asking a question. That didn’t stop it from stinging, though. Brook didn’t notice the way his hands tightened.

“Her chateau was loud,” Brook whispered. “It wasn’t hard to stay quieter than our surroundings.”

“Ah.” Franky nodded, then brightened. “Hey, would it help if I carried you? You could do your soul-ghost thing and then you wouldn’t have to worry about touching stuff.”

It was a request made from a place of earnestly wanting to help, that didn’t stop Brook’s long-gone heart from sinking into his stomach.

Am I about to be put in timeout for the first time in over eighty years?

“Shush,” Robin scolded Franky. “He’s doing fine.”

Franky looked confused. “Okay, just trying to help.”

“I know,” Robin whispered. “I’ll explain later.”

Brook winced. He didn’t like that he needed to be explained, that he couldn’t just do what he was supposed to. I used to have less trouble with this. Brook’s hands tightened.

I used to be able to keep my thoughts inside my head without letting them spill out.

To be able to stay focused without my mind flitting off without my permission.

To keep my hands still.

Brook’s hands tightened around his arms.

I used to be able to be alone without feeling like I was dying.

Used to consider the dark an annoyance instead of a prison.

Used to be able to be able to be in fog without bursting into tears.

He’d had problems in the past, too. But it hadn’t been like this, hadn’t made him feel more problem than man.

I used to be able to stay in the present without the past trying to swallow me whole.

“Brook, you’re mumbling.”

Brook flinched at the words, and there was an audible crack. He looked around, startled.

Robin was in front of him, her eyes wide. Between them, on the ground, was the arm of a skeleton.

Brook yelped, jumping backwards. Hands immediately sprouted around his head, clamping his jaw shut and trying to cover his mouth. Some of the sound was muffled, hopefully enough.

Brook tried to breathe, to calm down and convince himself that his heart wasn’t racing. (It couldn’t be, he didn’t even have one.)

I really should not have come.

After a few moments, Brook nodded, and the hands around his head dissolved.

Robin leaned down to pick up the arm. Brook stepped forward immediately. “Robin,” he hissed quietly, “don’t touch that- you don’t know where it’s been.”

Brook knew she was an archaeologist and knew more about bones than him. But he also knew they’d already barely avoided many traps in that place. Magically appearing bones couldn’t be anything but another.

Robin paused with her hand hovering over the arm. She gave Brook a look he couldn’t quite decipher. Franky was looking between the two of them with utter confusion on his face.

Robin pointed at Brook’s arm. He looked down, confused. And- oh.

Oh.

Brook’s gaze went back to the arm on the ground. His arm.

I haven’t done this since before joining the Straw Hats... Not a full break, at least. Just some minor fractures...

Brook was feeling nauseous. (Is that even possible? For a skeleton to feel nauseous?) He looked away from his arm. “I think-“ he stuttered, “…I think I might like to be carried now.”

---

The mission was a success, no thanks to Brook.

Chopper had been ecstatic to be rescued, though horrified over the state of Brook’s arm. Robin had explained for Brook, graciously leaving out the information of how it happened, and had instead assured Chopper that Brook had said it could be fixed.

Brook was grateful. He didn’t have it in him to explain. Being a soul had many perks, but the complete lack of physical sensations, while helpful in the current situation, left his mind in a worse state than before. Trying to stay present was a bit easier when Brook could ground himself with some form of movement or noise. With only his mind to keep him steady, that was an impossible task.

The subsequent escape had been relatively quick and painless. Once they were outside Brook was finally able to inhabit his body again. Robin had asked him if he wanted to hold on to his arm, assuring him she had no problem with continuing to hold it.

He’d asked her to continue holding on to it for him. Much as he hated it, he wasn’t feeling too well. Chances were he’d lose it or further break it before they made it back to the ship.

Robin had been exceptionally gracious, smiling and assuring him she’d take good care of it.

Brook wasn’t sure how long it was before they made it back to the ship. He’d followed the others, but his mind was elsewhere.

The group arrived back on Mr. Lion to a tumultuous welcome of ‘You did it!”s and “Great job!”s. Sanji promised a feast and Luffy was bouncing around at light speeds.

Brook snuck away the first chance he got.

It just didn’t feel right; to accept praise he deserved no part in. Besides, the mood was celebratory. As the crew’s musician, it was Brook’s job to enhance that, to bring fun and lightheartedness to any situation that called for it. But he was feeling anything but fun.

Brook didn’t want to ruin the mood with his own problems, so he headed for the crow’s nest. It was hard to climb with one arm, but he managed.

Unfortunately, the gym in the crow’s nest was already occupied. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, Brook needed company like others needed oxygen, after all. But at that moment, Brook wanted nothing more than a few moments to himself to breathe. His only options were pulling himself into the crow’s nest or descending back into the madness on deck, however, so he chose the crow’s nest.

Zoro had a towel around his neck, so his workout was close to finished if not over. He raised an eyebrow when Brook entered. “Hey, you’re back. How did the mission go?”

Brook worried the edge of his shirt between the fingers on his remaining hand. “Chopper’s back.”

“Successful, then. Good.” Zoro frowned. “What happened to your arm?”

“I broke it.” Brook didn’t look at Zoro when he said it, he couldn’t.

“Ah.” There were a few seconds of silence. “Can it be fixed?”

“Yes.” I just need some bandages to hold it in place, and some milk… Brook realized with a wince that he hadn’t thought to ask for his arm or grab any bandages, leaving him stuck unable to fix himself until he went back down. He couldn’t go back down yet, though. He wasn’t ready.

“Uh, you good there? You’re mumbling a lot.”

Brook flinched lightly. “Right. Sorry, to invade your workout. I just… needed to sit for a bit…”

“That’s fine. I just finished anyway. Do you want me to stay?”

“No, that’s fine.”

Zoro frowned. Brook wasn’t surprised, he wasn’t usually one to refuse company.

“Do you need me to get you anything, then?” Zoro was trying, and that was very kind of him. Brook knew Zoro wasn’t the best with communication or feelings, so Brook tried to ease his worries by being honest.

“I need my arm, and some bandages. But I can work on reattaching it later.”

Zoro was still frowning, so Brook continued. “I’ll be fine. As fine as usual, at least. I just had a hard time on the mission is all. I was more dead weight than anything else.”

There was an almost uncomfortable pause after that. Zoro looked at Brook expectantly. Brook wasn’t sure what he was waiting for, and he was too tired to figure it out. “What?”

Zoro raised an eyebrow. “Skull joke?”

Brook tilted his head. It took too many moments for the words to make sense. Oh… right. Brook shifted on his feet. “I… I think I’m going to sit down, now,” he mumbled.

Zoro’s eye widened slightly. “I’ll go get your arm and some bandages,” he said it like a man on a mission, and disappeared down the ladder in seconds.

Brook settled on the floor with his back against the room’s bench. He took off his hat, setting it beside him, and put his head in his knees.

Should he have waited to drop his composure until Zoro had come back and left? Maybe. But he was much too tired for that.

Brook tried to focus on breathing. In and out. Tried to not hug his knees too tightly, lest he accidentally make even more of a problem.

He’d broken himself a lot back in the Florian Triangle. It had been easy to do with a body that couldn’t feel correctly; one that couldn’t feel pain at all. He’d had to relearn how to interact with the world around him without breaking everything he touched.

The first few years had been full of fractures because Brook lacked practice; the rest because he lacked the focus to keep himself intact when upset or panicking. (Which had been often. It had been so hard to hold onto sanity, left completely to his own devices for so long.)

Brook hadn’t done well holding himself together, inside or out. It had been incredibly frustrating, anytime he’d broken himself. It hampered his movements and served as a constant reminder of his situation. Of where he was and how little control he had over his own life.

(Could that have even been called a life? Probably not. He tried not to think about it, but the thoughts always found their way back to him anyway.)

Things had gotten worse after Thriller Bark; with a missing shadow his situation had gone from one impossible task to two. Reclaiming his shadow meant bringing his sword work back up to par. Something that was impossible to do any time he had a broken limb. But more frustration led to more panicking, which led to more broken limbs, which led to less movement and more panicking…

(It had been extremely disheartening to see how broken he was reflected on the outside as well as within. For there to be a physical indicator of his inability.)

Luffy had brought light and life back into Brook’s dark and lonely existence. Brook had still broken himself sometimes after becoming a Straw Hat, but only minor fractures. And all quickly fixed before anyone could even find out what had happened. He’d hoped that the breaking off his own limbs was behind him. That he’d never have to see his inner brokenness reflected on the outside again.

Clearly, that wasn’t the case.

“Brook! I brought your arm!” It was Luffy’s voice. Brook startled, lifting his head from his knees to see his captain’s head beaming at him from the crow’s nest entrance. Luffy’s smile was one of light and warmth, Brook felt some of the tension leak from his shoulders at just the sight of it.

“Thank you, Luffy.” Brook smiled lightly, tiredly. It was exhausting, watching himself break into pieces.

“No problem!” Luffy clambered noisily into the crow’s nest, plopping in front of Brook with a grin. He held up Brook’s arm and some bandages.

“Do you need help?” Luffy looked so hopeful when he said it, as if attaching Brook’s arm back to his body was the most exciting activity Luffy could think of.

Brook couldn’t help but chuckle lightly. “Sure, Luffy. Thank you.” Letting Luffy help probably wasn’t a great idea, he didn’t know what he was doing and was worse at sitting still than Brook was. Brook couldn’t say no, though. They’d just have to figure it out.

Brook ended up holding his arm in place while Luffy wrapped the bandages around it to keep it there. Luffy had his tongue stuck out in concentration. It was endearing, and Brook had to keep himself from chuckling and jostling the bandages.

Brook knew the bandages were tight enough when he could move the tips of his fingers again. He had a harder time controlling bits of himself that were broken off, but when they were close enough he could do a little.

“That’s good, Luffy. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome!” Luffy leaned back and grinned at his handiwork. “Zoro said you wouldn’t let me help, but Robin said you probably would.”

Of course she’d know, she is practically a mind reader.

“Robin can read minds?!”

Brook would have blinked if he could. Then it hit him. Mumbling, right. Brook sighed. “No, I merely mean she is like a mind reader. Though perhaps I just speak too much of my thoughts out loud.”

Luffy tilted his head, his eyebrows furrowed thoughtfully. “I don’t think you talk too much.”

“Thank you, I wish I could agree.”

Luffy frowned lightly. “Why are you sad?”

Luffy wasn’t one to dance around problems, preferring to cut straight to the heart of it. Brook had no heart, perhaps that was part of the problem, but he appreciated Luffy’s forwardness.

Brook picked absentmindedly at his hat with his fully functioning hand. He hated burdening the others with his problems, he’d realized long ago his problems weren’t going anywhere, so he just had to handle them as best he could. But Luffy never made Brook feel like he was a burden. Brook felt more human when standing next to Luffy than he had in a long time.

(Nobody else considered him a burden either, Brook knew. Robin especially was exceptional company when the shadows got too dark and his mind too fuzzy. It was still hard, though, to feel like one.)

“I didn’t do well on the mission today,” Brook said. “I was supposed to help, but I made things harder. The only thing I did was break my own arm.”

Luffy frowned. “Robin already told me you accidentally broke your arm. I want to know why you’re sad.”

Brook tilted his head.

Luffy pointed at Brook’s arm. “Are you going to still feel sad when that’s fixed?”

“Yes.” Luffy’s question confused Brook into an overly honest answer. Not that he would have lied, he just might have softened it a bit.

“Then your arm being broken isn’t why you’re sad.” Luffy put his hands on his knees. “So why are you sad?”

Brook let that thought roll around his head.

Luffy was right, of course. The problem wasn’t that Brook’s arm had broken. The problem was that Brook was broken.

Oh... I don’t really like to think of it that way.

But Luffy was looking at Brook expectantly, and despite Luffy’s appearance he was Brook’s captain, not just some kid. Luffy had done more for Brook than anyone, save perhaps Yorki. Brook would follow him to the ends of the world and beyond.

So, even if he didn’t like it, he would try to explain.

“I think I’m broken,” Brook said softly. He avoided eye contact; he couldn’t help it. “I can’t do everything I’m supposed to. Things I used to be able to do with some difficulty are now completely impossible.”

Luffy leaned forward, eyes bright with only earnest care. “What kinds of things?”

“Like…” Brook sighed, his hand went from his hat to resting on his knee. “Thinking without speaking some of it out loud. Or staying present; even in fights or important moments, I tend to drift.” Brook’s breath stuttered. He could remember too many times he’d done that; too many times he’d only barely been more of a help than a hindrance. “Like being able to be left alone without ending up back in the Florian Triangle.” A hand circled Brook’s, gently pulled it from his knee. Oh... He’d started holding it too tightly. He hadn’t noticed.

Brook felt his anxious energy leave him, and he slumped back against the bench. He was so tired. “I used to be able to get upset without having to worry about breaking myself,” he mumbled.

Luffy didn’t let go of Brook’s hand, instead scooching to Brook’s side and letting Brook lean on him. Brook took the offer gratefully, practically collapsing into his side. Brook’s head ended up on top of Luffy’s, he realized belatedly that Luffy must have taken off his hat.

Luffy was rubbing Brook’s hand in his lap. Brook couldn’t really feel it. Physical sensations were slight and pain was nonexistent. But he appreciated the sentiment.

Luffy spoke after a few moments. “Did you ever learn how to swim?”

Brook was pretty sure he was too exhausted to have put that together correctly. “What?”

“Did you used to be able to swim?”

Never mind, he had heard correctly. “Yes. Before I ate my devil fruit, at least.”

“But now you can’t swim.”

“…yes?”

“But you’re still the best musician in the whole world, and I like you lots and lots!” Brook could hear rather than see the grin in Luffy’s words, as if that was the whole solution.

Brook wasn’t following. “You can’t swim either?”

Brook swore he could hear Luffy’s grin grow. “And I can’t sit still or be quiet, and Sanji can’t fight a woman, and Chopper can’t sleep by himself, and Usopp can’t fight with swords, and Robin has nightmares.” Luffy leaned further into Brook’s side. “I think sometimes stuff happens, and we can’t do everything we want to. But that’s why we have each other!”

Luffy’s hand tightened around Brook’s. “The sea doesn’t like you because you ate a devil fruit, and now you can’t swim. But you can still like you even if you’re broken. We all like you! And we can help you when you’re sad, because you’re not alone anymore, right?”

Brook realized he was crying into Luffy’s hair. He hadn’t noticed it starting. “R-right.”

Brook could hear rather than see the smile that lit up Luffy’s face in the words he said next. “Good! Because everybody here loves you, and you shouldn’t be sad by yourself.”

That was the final straw, and Brook broke down completely. (He wasn’t sure how long he cried into Luffy’s hair, he wasn’t good with time. It didn’t matter, though, because Luffy let him stay. Of course he did.)

Luffy wasn’t the best at sitting still (he was arguably the worst, in fact) and he spent the time playing with Brook’s hand and humming. (Most likely songs that Luffy had made up. Luffy had sung some of the songs he’d made up for Brook before; they were adorable, even if sometimes very clearly made up on the spot.)

Brook wasn’t sure whether Luffy’s actions were to help him sit still or to help Brook stay grounded, but it was soothing, so he appreciated it all the same.

I’m really not alone here.

It was a truth Brook knew. But it was one easily lost in the labyrinth of fog that was his head. Maybe one day he’d be able to remember without someone having to remind him. But for the time being, he was just grateful to have friends who would help him remember when he could not. Who could fill in the gaps with a helping hand and warm smile.

For now, that would be enough.

Eventually, Brook was able to pull away. His heart was long dead but somehow it felt fuller than it had in a while. Brook squeezed Luffy’s hand gently. “Thank you, Luffy.”

“Of course.” Luffy grinned at him, bright and full. “Do you feel any better?”

“A lot better.” Brook smiled tiredly. And it was true, he really did feel much better. Though… “I think I would like to fix my arm now.”

“Okay!” Luffy sprung upwards. “Chopper would probably tell you not to climb the ladder with a broken arm, so I’ll be right back!” Luffy paused, taking the hat from around his neck and putting it on Brook’s head. “Keep this safe for me until I get back with some milk, okay?”

Luffy grinned, and it really did remind Brook of the sun. (He couldn’t quite remember the feeling of the sun on his skin, but he imagined it couldn’t compare.) Brook couldn’t help but give a smile in return, his working hand going to touch the hat’s brim.

(There were a lot of emotions swirling in a heart he no longer no possessed, emotions he was too tired to sort through. But that was okay.)

(He wasn’t alone, and he had time.)

Brook smiled without hesitancy. “Of course, captain.”