Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Twenty-six years, that's worth celebrating! For Shinichi Kudo's birthday, Ran and the others have been working hard in the hope of organising for him a great big surprise birthday party. But, of course, surprising the modern day Sherlock Holmes like that would be an incredible feat, so the birthday man sharply stated his wish for a more subdued celebration with only a small number of guests. Apparently, he's always been humble that way, often going so far as forgetting that it was his birthday on the day. 

His wife, Ran, tells us all this as we help her prepare the food... Well, I say we but I mean Ayumi, Ai and Genta (who is still a proud restaurant owner's son) are helping her to prepare the food while I'm tasked with keeping her one-year old son out of trouble. I don't mind looking after Akio, even if he is startlingly curious and energetic, but it does mean that I only get to listen to about half of the anecdotes our hostess is sharing, her voice drowned out by the babbling of the small baby next to me.

I envy him, the Kudo child, he's got his whole life in front of him and no worries beyond his next meal. I'm sixteen now, and life feels a lot less simple: The beginning of my senior phase, the looming choices that'll determine the direction my life will take, alongside the unsolvable mystery currently called "girls." I sigh as I return the glass the curious child had grabbed, making sure to keep it further out of his reach, and then, while Akio is distracted (likely considering his next attempt to grab that glass) I sneak a look at the mystery that captivates me. Ai Haibara.

I've known her for eight years now. Eight years is also the age she was when we first met. I was a naive and fearful kid, but her? She was the same as she is now - discreet but not devious, beautiful and smart. She's not changed, apart from her blossoming beauty. She looks happy, much happier than she once was, but I can't help but notice, in moments like these where I catch her staring into the distance, that her eyes hold a hint of regret. I've long wondered why, but it's only when I mentioned it to the professor, one night when he was helping me out with a school project, that I've been told the most likely reason.

Ai once had a sister. All of us knew that, but we never really got to ask what had happened to her, or why Ai needed to stay with the Professor if he wasn't her father. When we used to broach the topic, Ai would always dodge the question, pretend she didn't know or get distracted by something else. Professor Agasa was similarly evasive, but on that one night, he opened up to me. Both Ai's sister and parents were dead. The latter passed away years before, but her sister... Her sister's death was still very recent when she moved into his home. Having a sister myself, I couldn't help but imagine how I'd feel if she wasn't in my life. Asami may be stubborn, teasing, often to the point of being annoying, but she always has such energy and optimism. She may by a few years older than me, but... A life without Asami would be well dull. Watching her leave home for her studies already felt like a punch in the gut, picturing her leaving never to return? No. The thought is too cruel. I can't even imagine how it felt for Ai. I can only hope that, in our childhood naivety, we didn't make things worse, that we were able to help her in those trying times.

So it's her sister that Ai thinks of, each time her eyes glaze over? Or her parents that she, it seems, never got to know? That would explain how often her melancholy hits when Ran and Shinichi get mentioned... Ran, who we thought of as a big sister, Shinichi being her husband and, more recently, a father. And yeah, there are times when Ayumi, Genta and I had the impression that Shinichi was watching over us more than he would want to let on. When we mentioned that to Ai once, she had smiled with her saddened gaze, simply stating that yes, we were all very dear to Shinichi Kudo.

She finally notices me watching her. Her melancholy evaporates, replaced by a warm smile directed at me. I feel my stomach twist itself in knots, returning a smile of my own that's far from being as confident as I'd like. Tonight, I'm going to tell her. Tonight, I'll take the first step. I won't chicken out. I remain, a moment longer, entranced by her face as her lips part. Her gaze is now pointed behind me, and I turn to the sound of her outcry. Akio managed to reach the glass again, fumbling it and sending it to the floor, where, inevitably, it shatters. A deep sigh leaves me, as Akio puts his small lungs to maximal use in expressing his disappointment. No more contemplation, back to work!

 It's with much joy that, once little Akio put to bed (expertly) by his mother and the dinner served up by ourselves, the party starts. Amused by our enthusiasm, Shinichi is courteous enough to only say "I knew it" a limited amount of times, though his stern request for limited numbers didn't totally deprive us of the opportunity to surprise him after all. Shinichi's mother, Mrs Yukiko, honours us by singing a special song for the occasion, to her son's embarrassment. The latter then quickly finds himself in a heated debate with his father, Mr Yusaku, and Heiji Hattori, one of his detective friends from Osaka who insisted on being here, surprise party or not. Genta and Professor Agasa are hitting the buffet, despite the raised eyebrow the object of my affections sends them. Ai and Fusae, the Professor's wife, compliment Yukiko on her singing, while Ayumi, Ran, and a woman with a ponytail, Kazuha I believe, are busy talking about cooking. Genta pipes in between bites. I smile, doing my best to follow the birthday man's conversation with the novelist, while exchanging small talk with the Professor. I am happy, but as often in this kind of moment, I can't help but wonder what became of a brilliant boy... The one who'd likely be sat at the table with us, if only his parents hadn't taken him with them to live so far away.

Oh, I'm not going to delude myself... Our group might have had a solid bond back then, but it didn't always stay that way after. Genta did spend two and a half years avoiding both me and Ai, and Ayumi spent a while refusing to have anything to do with an investigation, criminal or not. As for me, I'm ashamed to recall how many months I spent in my room pretending to be an IT technician. Of our group, the only one who never threatened its integrity was Ai. Despite our childish ambitions, our betrayals, she never once turned her back on us. Even if her sarcastic quips sometimes stung, we always loved seeing her smile amongst us, and listening to her advice. We couldn't help but feel guilty if we left her out, whether by accident or on purpose. She's so discreet yet has always been such an essential part of our group. Would that have changed if Conan Edogawa had stayed?

I remember how shortly after his departure, Ai fell ill. Had his departure contributed to her illness? Who knows. I only know that at the time, the rest of us had felt left behind. Genta would have struggled to admit it back then, but Conan had been the brains of our group. Without him, we shied away from big investigations, fear clashing with the persistent thought of "what would Conan do?" If Ai hadn't remained, the Detective Boys likely wouldn't have done any more than hunt for missing cats.

And that's how I stop thinking of "what ifs" but of our good fortune. Ai is still with us. For whatever reason, back then, we'd been convinced that with Conan gone, she would leave too. Yet, despite her pneumonia (I think it was pneumonia?) and her depressed aura, she stayed. 

Thus it was with a warm heart, as I watch the oldest Kudo now and request a dance from his wife, that I do the same with Ai. She gives me an amused smirk as my hand reaches out to her, but she doesn't refuse. She gracefully stands from her seat beside Mrs Fusae to take me up on the offer properly. The song playing isn't anything special, and my steps are clumsy, but I can see that she isn't bothered. I am in heaven. I definitely haven't hallucinated last week. We are dating.

Naturally, as our dance finishes, Gents has little qualm in reminding me that he's aware of our new status, entertaining the other guests with my sudden bashfulness. Ai is still smiling.

Chapter Text

We've now been dating for six months, Ai and I. The feelings her smile sends fluttering through me haven't changed. My love for her has changed me though. No longer am I the shy and timid companion, stumbling and hesitating, saying whatever nonsense could deliver a vision of her mirth. Now I am both her protector, loyal servant and support. I feel strong, I need to be — for her. I listen to her every wish, because her happiness is now mine. I'm there when she needs me, just as she's always there for me, and I'd be lost without her.

When I tell her in such terms of my passion for her, Ai smiles, sometimes she'll laugh. She calls me a hopeless romantic, tells me she finds it hard to look at it the same way I do. Sometimes her gaze turns somber, and, noticing how that stirs fear and doubt within me, she'll take me by the hand, pull me close to her and whisper softly sweet things in my ear.

This is why she loves me; I am the optimism to soften her pessimism, the warmth that brings her new life. If I wish to be all those things I mention, then I shall be, and Ai is grateful for that. If there's a romantic notion that she's willing to admit entertaining to me, it's that I am her light, her firefly... A firefly that she must protect too.

Precious words that I'll never forget, and jealously guard within my heart... Alongside feelings like the warmth of her hands in mine, the brush of her hair along my shoulder, or even the comfortable silences we'll share when we're alone together.

Alone together, as just now, at her place. Professor Agasa and his wife are visiting some exhibition, and Ai asked me over to spend the afternoon in her company. We sit together in front of the TV and I pull out of my bag a selection of newly bought racing games to try. Usually, she'll opt to watch me play as we chat, but today, she takes part. Ah, what joy, I did remember the sort of game she likes. 

The game turns on, we play a couple rounds of versus, and then I remember why we, the Detective Boys, started avoiding racing games. I surrender, encouraging her to unlock more content by playing solo while I watch.

Do you remember the one time you demolished Genta at the professor's racing game? I ask her.

Ai nods. She also remembers how Genta could no longer stomach playing that game against her for months afterwards. Speaking of Genta, how's he doing with his cooking classes? Last she'd heard, he'd been in a disagreement with his tutor about how best to cook his favourite dish, right? 

The conversion goes back and forth in this manner for a while, her fingers steering the controller as I sit next to her, my hand resting next to her thigh. I'm itching to hold her in my arms, to wrap my arm around her shoulders. I hold myself back. Ai has always been protective of her personal space. Though we've been dating, it's only rarely that she's encouraged me to touch her, stroke her, kiss her... Thinking of kissing...

Yes, I've heard the news. That Ayumi is no longer seeing that young man from her dance lesson? Yeah. Yeah..

Chatting about Ayumi's love life isn't helping me to forget that Ai and I, we... We've not really kissed yet. A kiss on the cheek, sure; lips skimming foreheads, yeah, and on rare occasions, lips brushing by each other... But a true kiss? Never.

I don't like where my thoughts are going. They remind me just how fearful I still am, how much I still doubt the longevity of my... our happiness. Beneath my romantic antics and optimism you'll find a pessimist who never stops imagining nightmarish "what ifs?"

Does Ai really love me? Is she just playing with my feelings like all those times in the past where she made some sarcastic quip? She's always so mysterious, still as much as ever, is she hiding something from me? Why doesn't she want us touching more? We are dating, right? Right?

And, as though that wasn't enough, my inner pessimist is also a ghastly detective, presenting to me one by one examples taken from my memories to back up its horrendous theories as though they were scientific facts.

But no. All that is in the past. Each of the proffered examples is but a relic from a time before the start of our relationship. I shake my head, mentally shrugging off the onslaught with fresher instances of Ai demonstrating her devotion to me, the same devotion I owe her.

At long last free of my dissociative episode, I am able to focus on my girlfriend's video game achievements. We pleasantly stay quiet together, the TV offering a colourful backtrack to our lack of words. I admire this, the ability to be with someone without needing to say a word, to both be relaxed thanks to it. No empty questions, no meaningless debate, just shared proximity. 

Ever since I first met her, Ai has always been a presence in my life.

And all of a sudden, I feel her presence upon my shoulder. As I was day-dreaming, she put down her controller and turned to face me.

I stammer in surprise seeing her worried gaze upon me, that look I always struggle to interpret upon her features. She asks if I'm feeling okay, and I answer that I am. The worry upon her features dissolves and I smile. No, truly, my inner pessimist can go back to his slumber. Ai is far too attentive for me to allow that pessimism to affect my mood.

The companionable silence between us ends as we engage in one of our other favourite activities. The video game remains on screen, playing on repeat various demonstrations neither of us are looking at, as we start chatting about science. Her specialty is biology. Mine is physics. I'm always pleasantly stunned by how much our two subjects crossover again and again, without losing each other's substance. 

She asks me how I'm doing with the evening classes I've started giving. Three nights a week, I meet up with some secondary kids to help them learn and understand their physics and maths classes. It's going well. Though some days I'd much rather not be doing it, that's true, especially when I need to give help to the rather arrogant despite his ignorance brat called Rikiya — but I just need to remind myself why I started offering my knowledge up in the first place to bite my tongue and do my best.

Why did I choose to start earning money by giving evening classes? Ah, she is curious to know, but I don't want to tell Ai, not yet. All that I am willing to tell her of my plans is that there's a special item I want to buy. An object that will let Ai know the full depth of my feelings.

So to distract her, I ask her for advice. One of the students I'm helping is struggling to understand a lesson on atoms. I recall having trouble myself when the concept was first shown to me, and I'm struggling to find a simple way to explain it to them that isn't wrong or too obscure for them.

"So what aren't they grasping?" She asks me. I melt inside as I become the full focus of her beautiful face. I need a small moment to process her question before answering. 

"Do you recall the schematic of electron positions? They can't seem to accept the idea that an electron could have hundreds of possible positions."

"Ah, I see, it's the electron cloud you're struggling with then... I imagine they'd rather picture it with an astronomic style model; the electron orbiting around the atomic nucleus like a miniature planet spinning around its sun." I recognise with ease her sarcastic tone. After years of being around her, her caustic remarks have lost a lot of their sharp edge. I now see in them nothing more than a virtual sigh, the nth expression of her maturity kindly suffering the naivety of her juniors..

"That's exactly it. And I admit that I also struggle to picture the truth in my head. I understand that statistically an electron could be anywhere around its nucleus, but..." I shrug in defeat. "I don't understand why."

With an amused smirk, Ai glances at me as she moves the controller that had been left between us. She takes my hand gently in hers. I can feel my heart beat spike.

"Is that all?" She chuckles a little. "Look..."

I feel something cold and hard take its spot in the palm of my hand. Confused by her removing her hand, I look closer at the small black disc deposited, similar to the ones often found behind fridge decorations. I quickly recognise it as a simple magnet. 

"A magnet? How...?" Seeing my confusion, Ai raises her hand. Between her fingers I spot a similar magnet.

"Could you predict with any certainty the position that magnet would have if we tried to force them closer together? That's a game every school kid has played, right?"

"Erm... Oh?"

"Go on. Bring your magnet closer to mine..." Under the warm gaze of her patient smile, and seeing her lean closer with her hand in the air, I comply... But not without feeling a touch of heat spreading across my cheeks. The angle I'm seeing her at offers an excellent view of the best aspects of her top and what it holds. 

Thus my magnet gets closer to hers, and I think I see a faint blush upon her cheeks as our fingertips near. I expected my magnet to suddenly snap closer to hers when it got close enough, but...

"Ah!"

"Do you see now?"

The two magnets repulse one another, forcing them apart in erratically hard to predict ways despite our fingers trying so hard to push them together. Impossible to know with any certainty the angle or degree with which one magnet would flee its sibling.

"Magnetism is one of many criteria that would help predict more precisely the state of an electron in the electron cloud. An electron has a negative charge, other electrons will push it away, forcing it into this dance..." She illustrates her words by twirling her own magnet around my hand. "While the electron is attracted to the positive charge of the nucleus," Ai turns over her magnet such that it snaps loudly onto mine, "the dance continues."

Her explanation over, she swipes our hands aside, making our magnets disappear from sight. I'm stunned to notice how close our faces are. She's giving me a tender smile, her eyes bright as emeralds, her lips are parted in an invitation I just can't refuse.

The magnets fall to the ground as we kiss, but I'm not thinking about them. The only focus of my thoughts is the gentle warmth I'm now discovering, the intoxicating taste of the woman I love. The shiver going up my spine from her caress is delectable. I do not want to forget this sensation, I don't want this kiss to end. Ai must feel the same, I can feel it, I know it. Our hands slide along each other's arms as we embrace.

Sadly, the kiss does not end of its own accord.

A door clicks open behind us, preceded by a jangle of keys. Upon hearing the voices of Ai's guardian, Professor Agasa, and his wife, we push apart in instant embarrassment. My face burning, stomach in knots, I stand from the sofa to watch the inventor who's just come home. Ai's hand is against her forehead, she seems to be muttering curses to herself. The professor and Fusae are home much earlier than expected.

Mortified and unsure what to think, I decide to follow my gut. The latter is telling me that I need some fresh air. I give Ai my most sorrowful look, as I excuse myself while thanking her for a lovely afternoon... "And explanation."

She reddens a bit more at my remark but is offering me her most sincere smile.

"See you later, Mitsuhiko."

I grab my jacket as I walk past the professor before turning at the door to give all three my regards. The door closes upon the confused face of the inventor. The door in my heart, in contrast, is opening up to let my extatic joy pour out.

If I ever doubted it before, I am certain of it now.

"Ai loves me!"