Chapter Text
“Joel?” Ellie’s voice hid under the bristle of the grass as she hopped around in her too-big rubber boots, hunting for a bunny they’d spotted almost an hour ago. Expired sunscreen painted her pale little face. The wheat fields sailed around the house.
“Mm,” Joel hummed, offering a lecturing glare when Ellie stuck her nose just above an ant-hill.
“How lawng have you bin a ghowst?” Ellie asked about a million questions a day. Joel was slowly letting her ask more, even if she didn’t realize it.
“Longer than you’ve been alive,” Joel answered confidently.
“Well, duh,” Ellie giggled. Joel’s heart squeezed at the sound. “How much longur?”
Joel pushed out a breath. “Twenty years,” He admitted.
Ellie’s eyebrows flew to her forehead. “Twenty yearz?” She threw her arms out. “That’z forever!” She forgot the bunny she was hunting and waddled back to the porch step Joel was watching her from. “Wur you frends with dinosaurz?” Amusement clouded his face. “You can tell me,” She whispered.
“I’ve got one little trike right across from me,” Joel returned. Ellie sat her hands on her hips. “She’s got a horn right here-”
Ellie giggled before Joel’s fingers could vanish through her button nose. The sound bounced inside the walls of his heart. He swallowed, and tried and failed to ward it out. “When wur you bornded?” She plopped beside him on the step.
“Nineteen eighty,” Joel admitted, a chuckle leaving his throat when he saw Ellie’s dropped jaw. “When were you born?” His shoulder passed through hers as he nudged her.
“Two… two th,” Ellie sank, already admitting defeat. “Sumthin wif a two in it,” She shrugged. “My bestest frend, Rilee? She wuz born to a mommy. Isn’t that cooyl?”
The wrinkles beside Joel’s eyes deepened. “You were born to a mommy, too, Ellie,” He shushed.
“That’z not what Beffany sayd,” Ellie argued.
“Bethany?” Joel translated. “Who’s that?”
“She wuz my sistur fowr a little,” Ellie replied. “Ecsept our mommy and daddy wur really herz. I was juzt put theyur.” Joel felt his heart squeeze as he listened to her describe how she’d never belonged to anyone before. “She sed my mommy didint weally have me. She sed they cut me owt ewrly ‘cauze she wuz drinking funny juice when I was iyn her belly.”
Joel’s heart sagged. He glanced over Ellie’s frame then. It made more sense now, how small she was. Sarah had been a premie too. That girl had his heart chained to all four pounds of her when she was born. She’d been the smallest thing he’d ever held, and also the most precious.
… miss you.
Like Ellie, Sarah’s mother had also been drinking during the pregnancy. She got one look at her little baby girl before the nurses took her away forever, and then her father and her uncle. He imagined Ellie’s mother got around just as much. He hoped.
“It don’t matter how you came into the world, Ellie,” Joel soothed. She listened closely below him. “It took two people lovin’ each other to make you. It’s what made your hands, and your legs. Your eyelashes. You have that. Same as Bethany.”
“... but Beffany’s mommy and daddy loved hur,” Ellie pointed out.
“Your mommy loved you too,” Joel shushed. “If she made you, she loved you.”
Ellie wasn’t convinced. “How do yu know?”
Sarah claimed Joel’s mind. He remembered how tiny she’d been the first time he’d held her. Her little hand could barely encompass one of his fingers. Soft wisps of hair had tickled her head. She’d been nothing more than a bundle cradled away against his bare chest. The most precious thing in the world. If he’d lived just to make her, that was okay.
“‘Cause mommies and daddies love their babies.”
Ellie watched the sadness on Joel’s face. It was new. “But how do yu know?” She pushed.
Joel almost flinched. “‘Cause I do.”
Quiet claimed the porch step. Ellie didn’t mind. She liked just sitting here with Joel. He was enough for her, and he could tell.
Joel could tell that Ellie thought the world of him. It scared him, and made him feel alive for the first time in twenty years, all at the same time.
It’s temporary.
It’s temporary.
Ellie didn’t tell Joel, but when she closed her eyes at night, she prayed no one ever found them, just in case God was real. Joel was the first grownup to never yell at her, or hit her. He couldn’t, but also he wouldn’t. She really liked it here.
Giggles rang through the refurbished house.
Joel tried not to feel the smile hanging on his face as he patrolled the first floor: the living room and the kitchen, the porch that wrapped around the house. Meanwhile, giggles sprang through the house, muffled through the floorboards. He’d learned over the last week that Ellie’s favorite game was hide and seek.
Ellie bragged that she was best at hide and seek. Joel’s stomach would roll whenever he let his mind wander as to why that was; scenes of foster-parents and big grownups hunting for her while she hid made him feel nauseous. When she played with him, though, she had a blast. Her giggles gave her away every time.
Joel didn’t have the heart to tell Ellie. Besides, he was too busy pretending every giggle didn’t sew itself to his heart. The trail of laughter led him up the steps. His eyes strayed while he passed Sarah’s door. Another volley of giggles drew him forward. A smile tugged over his face when he placed them to a door at the end of the hallway.
Tommy’s old room.
“Anyone up here?” Joel droned. A giggle emerged, muffled behind Tommy’s bedroom door. “Ellie?” She giggled again, having the damn time of her life. She’d never had a grownup who wanted to play with her before. He was so nice.
“Yuyur nawt gonna find me,” Ellie’s little voice taunted from behind the door.
Joel crossed his arms over his chest, easily making out her little silhouette hidden underneath the crack of the door. Soft amusement hung over his face, despite his best attempts. “Oh, is that right?” Her shoulders shook with an airy giggle. He settled his grip on the knob then, and met her eyes.
“No,” Ellie planted her face in her knees, like if she couldn’t see Joel, he couldn’t see her. A smile curled over his lips, despite himself. She was curled up in a little ball in the doorframe of Tommy’s room.
“Ellie,” The crack of Joel’s knees announced his descent to Ellie’s level. She peeked her face out of her knees. When she saw him smiling, she smiled too.
“Cayun we play agen?” Ellie moved on fast. She planted her hands on her little hips as she stood, determined.
Joel’s heart clenched. Ellie always asked after every ‘round’ they finished, like he’d have gotten bored already and moved on. “We can,” He confirmed. She clapped her hands together, delighted. “You want me to hide?”
A giggle claimed Ellie’s throat. “Yuu cayn just go innvizible,” She complained. “It’z nawt fair.”
The wrinkles beside Joel’s eyes crinkled with a smile. “I suppose it ain’t,” He drawled. “How ‘bout you hide then?”
Ellie was gone down the hallway before Joel finished asking. He chuckled, and then started after her after thirty seconds.
The first floor was empty.
Joel returned to the second floor. He peeked his head into his room, Ellie’s now, then again Tommy’s old room. The guest room and the bathroom. He didn’t bother with any of the small places.
“My mommies and daddies liyke to lock me places sumtimez.”
Ellie didn’t so much as tiptoe towards any confined spaces in the house. Joel double-checked the dust on Sarah’s door.
The absence of giggles haunted the house.
“Ellie?”
Something brewed in Joel’s chest. A long dusted-over instinct, ‘daddy’s superpowers’ was what Sarah used to call them. His ability to instantly know when something was wrong.
“Ellie,” Joel repeated, checking over all of the rooms with a hastier pace now. “Ellie, c’mon out now!” Silence smothered the house. He felt it choking him. “Kiddo?” Nothing. “Fuck,” He checked everything again, and then began to panic.
Tire-swing, Joel jumped, carrying himself outside on rushed feet. As soon as he stepped out the porch, his features settled, and then tensed again. He could see Ellie’s sneakers swinging atop the tire-swing tree. She was sitting on one of the branches, steadying herself only with the ridged wood underneath her fingers.
Joel felt his hair gray in real time. “Ellie,” He rushed forward, swallowing down the sudden lump in his throat as he examined the ten or so feet between her and the ground. “How the hell did you even get up there?”
“I climbded,” Ellie declared proudly. “Look how hiygh I aym!”
“Yeah, I’m lookin’,” Joel choked. “Come on down. Right now.”
Disappointment wedged over Ellie’s features. “Okey,” She retreated, glum. She swung her leg over the branch with a casual pace and stretched to reach for a knot in the tree. Joel felt his heart lurch.
“Be careful,” Joel pleaded, watching every hair on Ellie’s head as she scooted off of the tree trunk and hung only from her grip on the tree. Toddlers, he chanted in his head. Sarah had put him through similar antics at this age. He’d barely survived then. Luckily, he didn't have to worry about having a heart attack now. Probably.
“I’ym fiyn,” Ellie giggled at the rampant worry in Joel’s voice. No one had ever worried about her so much, or at all. It was cute. “No wunder yur hair’z so gray-”
Ellie slipped.
“Ellie!” Joel raced forward before Ellie could even scream, but she fell right through his arms, a stinging reminder that he was nothing but air. She hit the ground underneath him, elbows first. She was quiet for a moment, sitting in the wake of the seven or so foot fall. Then she began to cry.
“Ellie,” Joel moved so that he wasn’t phasing through Ellie, and then knelt down by her side, frowning at the hot tears streaming down her cheeks. “Hey, hey,” He reached out for her, eyes locking onto the elbow that she was cradling to her chest, but his fingers passed right through her.
Fuck.
Ellie whimpered. The sound reached right through Joel and took a grip on his heart. “Honey,” He soothed. “Hey, hey, look at me. C’mon.” She sniffled wetly, and then turned her face away from the fresh scrape on her arm. His eyes were like a warm shelter to hide in. “Let’s go inside. Okay, sweetheart? You’re okay."
Ellie’s heart waned at that name. “It hurtz,” She held out her arm, sniffling. Scrapes matted her elbow and her forearm. Blood swelled in the shallow gashes. Tears billowed at the sight.
“I know,” Joel soothed. “But think about the cool scar you’ll get when we’re done. Hm?”
Ellie’s lip trembled. “Like a superhero,” She fawned.
“Like a superhero,” Joel repeated gently. “So let’s go fix you up, huh?”
“O… okey,” Ellie sniffled, and then grasped for Joel’s hand. She sailed right through him. It hurt more than usual. Her lip puffed in response.
“C’mon,” Joel mourned. “Just one foot after the other, sweetheart. Just like that. Follow me.” Ellie waddled after him, still clinging to her scraped arm. The sight of fresh blood welling up in the shallow cuts made her whimper again. “Hey,” He drew her eyes away. “Just look at me. Okay?”
Ellie hung her eyes against Joel’s face as he led them up the steps, treating him like a sanctuary. She kept trying to reach his hand. Her fingers passed through his phantom flesh each time, and she sagged more and more. He did too.
She ain’t mine.
She ain’t mine.
So why did he feel alive again for the first time in twenty years?
Ellie sat criss-crossed on the cold bathroom tile. Her eyes trailed after Joel as he fetched some anti-bacterial ointment from the medicine cabinet, along with some band-aids, superhero-themed. Her face lit up at the sight of them.
“Hold on,” Joel managed a smile. “We’ve gotta clean this first.” He set the container of ointment beside Ellie. He couldn’t clean it himself, couldn’t press a bandaid on her booboo and kiss it better like he would’ve twenty years ago, even though suddenly he wished he could. “I’m gon’ tell you how to do this, honey, okay?”
Ellie sagged a little. “Okey,” She acted big anyway.
Joel wanted so badly to be able to do this for Ellie, to take care of her, but his fingers passed right through her because he was air: she’d have to be bigger than she was.
“All you’ve gotta do is just take some of this ointment here,” Joel led Ellie’s eyes to the ointment. She held that blank, toddler-stare. “And rub it where it hurts. Okay?”
Ellie took in the information. “O… okey,” She stumbled, grasping for the jar of ointment. She glossed her fingers with a sufficient layer and then touched it to her arm. A whine immediately left her throat.
“I know,” Joel soothed. “I know. I know it hurts, but you’ve gotta clean it, sweetie. Alright?”
Ellie fussed, but complied, and continued to spread the ointment into the scrapes. A burning sensation tore through her nerves, deep into her arm. Joel frowned at the sight of the pain ripping through her face. “Mm,” She whimpered in complaint.
Joel felt his heart commit itself to Ellie. “You’re doin’ good,” He praised softly. She clung onto those three little words and winced again. “Now, here’s the most important part.” She listened in. “Who do you want on your band-aids?”
Ellie’s eyes lit up as she remembered the cartoon superheroes waving at her from the box of band-aids. “S… Spydur-mayn,” She decided in a babble.
“Good choice,” Joel praised. He unwrapped each of the band-aids for Ellie and then passed them over as she pressed them against her scrapes. Before long, they were done. “Good job,” He praised again. Quiet filled the bathroom. He sat in the aftermath of how soft he’d let himself be.
Ellie mistook Joel’s quiet for anger. “I… I woyn’t climb thu tree agayn,” She offered meekly.
Joel huffed. “I hope not,” He replied with a tone that would suggest he had his hands waiting on his hips. “How bad does it hurt, kiddo?” He nudged after.
Ellie tilted her head and batted her best attempt at puppy-dog eyes. “Ay think it hurtz weallyy bad,” She began. “So… can you make me peaches?”
Amusement filled Joel’s face. “Little barterer you are, huh?”
Ellie didn’t know what that word meant, but she nodded dutifully. “Yes, I aym.” She waited after for her answer.
“Fine,” Joel agreed.
Canned peaches filled Ellie’s tummy as Joel watched her tuck herself into bed. She felt warm and fed and safe, and the house was quiet and calm amid the gentle light of the bedside lamp. She watched the band-aids on her arm. “It still hurt?” He prodded gently, frowning when she nodded.
If Joel had done that when he was Ellie’s age, he’d have heard no end of ‘I told you so’ and insults. He’d have earned it, to climb up that tree then fall right off. His father would’ve laughed. It felt peaceful, to be the exact opposite with Ellie, as he had with Sarah, and Tommy, for that matter.
“No wun’s evur given me band-aids befur,” Ellie whispered, peering at her arm behind large, dark eyes. She was so cute.
“They ain’t all that,” Joel offered softly.
“... but no wun’s evur given me them befour,” Ellie cooed.
Joel felt his heart clench. Well, I have, he thought, but didn’t say it, because this was temporary. Ellie wasn’t his. With some luck, soon enough, she’d be somewhere else, in a home with a family and not a ghost… away from him and this tomb of a house.
“... Joel?”
“Mm,” He hummed.
“... cayun you tell me a storey?”
Joel found himself nodding. “You want the bear one?” He nudged.
Ellie’s little chin shook. “... tell me wun,” She protested softly.
Joel’s features changed with understanding. “Alright,” He agreed, moving closer atop the bed. The mattress refused to sink under his phantom weight. “Any story?” He tried his best to be bad at this. Really, he’d played out this scene a million times, in the room across the hall.
“... mhm,” Ellie babbled from Joel’s side. She was trying her hardest to snuggle into him. Her little shoulder passed right through the hiding spot under his arm; she pretended the pillow she was cuddling into was him.
“Alright,” Joel repeated softly. “Once upon a time, there was a triceratops.” Ellie lidded her eyes and listened. “She was little-”
“... how little?” Ellie interjected softly. This was the first time she’d ever been told a bedtime story before.
“Like this,” Joel held out his fingers in front of him and held an inch of distance between them. A small giggle rose from Ellie’s chest. His heart clenched. “One day, she was chased out of her home by a… a T. Rex. He was big and mean, and he wanted to hurt the triceratops.”
“... oh, no,” Ellie worried.
Joel’s heart squeezed in his chest. “It’s okay. The triceratops ran away from the T. Rex. She was fast and smart, and she made it far until she stumbled on an old cave.” Softness hung in his eyes while he reproduced the image of her tiptoeing her way into the house for the first time. “A bear lived in the cave. He was old and strong-”
“... like you,” Ellie nudged.
“Like me,” Joel echoed. “He let the little triceratops into his cave. She took the mud and painted the walls, and built a big fire so the cave became warm again.” He watched the auburn top of Ellie’s little head while he made the story up. “And she made the bear laugh again. He hadn’t done that in a long time.”
“... why not?” Ellie whispered, her voice painted with slumber.
Joel’s heart caught. “He… he’d had a cub, long ago,” He confessed softly. Ellie was too small to understand. “She was little and happy, like the triceratops. And kind. All the critters in the forest loved her. And she loved them.” He traced his eyes over the painted flowers on the door across the hall.
“... what happened to hur?” Ellie murmured.
Heat welled inside Joel’s eyes. “One day a hunter came,” He spoke through the strain in his chest. “And he took the cub away from her papa.” He cradled his breath inside his chest without notice, like it was Sarah, and he could hide her away this time like how he hadn’t before. “So, the bear was sad.” He cleared his throat. “For a long time.”
Ellie’s lip curled against her pillow. Joel watched behind soft eyes. Some bedtime story, he lectured himself, frowning. “Whhen the triceratops came,” He began again. “The bear was happy again. For a little bit. She made him laugh like the cub had, and made him smile. The cave wasn’t lonely anymore.”
“... do they live happely evur aftur?”
Joel’s features caught. “The bear was old,” He began. “And slow. And he couldn’t protect the triceratops.” His eyes fell to the series of band-aids on Ellie’s little arms. Weight shadowed his face. “He prayed and prayed for another critter who’d find the cave, and bring her to a new home, where she’d be happy and safe with peo… critters, who love her.”
“... what about the bear?”
“He… he cares about her,” Joel shushed. “But he can’t take care of her. His paws are too… big.” He watched his fingers pass right through Ellie’s frame. “And his claws get in the way. He doesn’t mean to scratch her… but sometimes he does.”
“... that’z why she has to leeve?”
“Yeah,” Joel frowned. “Because the triceratops needs a family. She deserves one. And the bear shouldn’t keep that from her. Right?”
Ellie thought hard. “... I guess,” She mumbled, unsure. “... but what about the bear?”
“What about him?”
“... woyn’t he be lonely?”
Joel swallowed down the lump inside his throat. “He just wants the trike to be happy.” He tried to brush his thumb along Ellie’s bandaged arm; he passed right through her. Weight claimed his face, and made his shoulders sag. “She deserves better than the bear.”
Ellie was quiet under her blankets. The first time Joel had ever been able to think that about her. “... Joel?” She whispered.
“What’s up?” Joel murmured, drawing Ellie closer to sleep with the gentleness of his voice. Stop, the back of his mind pleaded. This wasn’t going to end well. He was going to get hurt. Still, his eyes looked at her softer than they had anything since he’d buried his baby girl.
“... you’re the bear,” Ellie whispered softly. “... aren’t yu?”
Joel’s eyes sank. Ellie’s eyes were half-lidded, heavy with slumber. “... I am,” He confessed gently.
A curl tugged over Ellie’s lips. Immediately, Joel knew why. She was picturing him as a great, big grizzly bear. She giggled at the image. Though soon after, her little brows entered a furrow. “... who’z the cub?”
Joel felt his heart lurch inside his chest. Ellie peeked at his face, but he didn’t return the gaze. She followed him to a door down the hall: the one with the painted flowers. Dust on the handle, like it hadn’t been opened in twenty years.
“... d… did yu hayve a… mm,” Ellie fussed. She couldn’t remember the word.
“A daughter,” Joel finished gently. Ellie babbled in satisfaction. “I did.” His voice was softer than she’d ever heard, like it’d break with just one push.
Ellie cooed. “... what’z her nayme?”
A breath slipped past Joel’s lungs. All of a sudden, his heart felt the gaping hole Sarah had left in it. “Sarah,” He whispered her name. Ellie giggled underneath him.
“When iz she coming home?”
Joel’s eyes misted. “She…” He cleared the lump in his throat. “... she ain’t, Ellie,” He whispered. “... she’s passed on now.”
Ellie’s lips dragged down in a sad pout. She fussed. “... I’ym sorry,” Joel heard her sniffle. His heart moved.
“... that’s okay, honey,” Joel soothed. “... it’s not your fault.” Ellie melted underneath the sentence, like no one had ever told her that before.
“... wuz she nice?”
Joel blinked away the heat in his eyes. “Yeah,” He choked. “Yeah. She was kind. We used to have some horses ‘n some cattle. I used to think she could talk to ‘em, she was so good with ‘em. Spent more time with them than her school friends.” A smile graced his face. “Sang happy birthday to ‘em like they’d understand her.”
Ellie giggled. As she did, Joel realized he hadn’t talked about Sarah out loud in twenty years. Until now. Until this little trike.
He just didn’t want to get hurt again.