Archive of Our Own ^beta

Shawn doesn’t really know Eddie. 

He was always around, just never there. When he was 10 though, he remembers Eddie sitting down and talking to him. One of the rare moments he wasn’t standing beside his Mom, inhaling residual cigarette smoke and Shawn wasn’t hiding behind his Mom’s legs as Eddie’s Mom demanded her child support from Chet. 

Shawn didn’t get what was so bad about him. 

They hadn’t been back in Philly for long, but Shawn didn’t really have any friends. Cory remembered who he was a few days ago, so he’s got him back on his side. He had lots of friends in Ohio, ones who didn’t care about where he lived. But here it was different.

Shawn, what’s your neighborhood like?

I stay in the one with the pink flamingo.

The trailer park?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Shawn didn’t think they cared, but those kids hadn’t sat with him for a week. And no one else ever came to sit by him either. 

He’s sitting in one of the folding chairs his Dad left outside when he was playing cards, reading an x-men comic. He’s not really reading it, just looking at the drawings of wolverine and making up the story in his head– when Eddie walks over. He was only 16, and then Eddie was just his brother, even if he wasn’t the best one. 

He knew about the stuff Eddie did. The stealing, the group of kids who followed him around the park all day– but Eddie was still family. Shawn still cared. 

“Shawnie, where’s Dad at?” Eddie always asked everything roughly. The words were never loud or anything, just rough. “I dunno. He said the store.” 

Eddie scoffs, sitting down on the patio floor. “Yeah right.”

Shawn never really got why he said that. Sometimes the store just took longer for their Dad. Sometimes it took days because he was finding the good stuff.

Shawn doesn’t know how much he believes that, but he tries to anyway.  It’s better to try and remember that, then remember the fact his Dad is off somewhere doing who knows what. 

He always came back with a gift for him and Stacey though, and he’d spend the day with them. Then he’d get upset, and then Shawn wouldn’t really hear from him. He’d sit by his Dad’s legs when he slept on the rocking chair and Stacey would always watch from the hallway. 

He never really saw her, but he could always feel her stare on him.

“Where’s Stace’?”  Eddie asks again, and Shawn looks at him. How is he meant to read x-men now? “Sleeping.”

Eddie pulls a face. “How long she been asleep?” Shawn thinks for a second. “A while.” 

Eddie makes another face, one he always makes and Shawn doesn’t really ever know what it means. He starts chewing on his bottom lip.

“I think somethins’ wrong with Stacey.”

Shawn didn’t really know if something wrong was right. She was a bit jittery, and sometimes she got upset and slept for a long time and didn't really move, but nothing was wrong with her. That’s what his Dad always told him.

“Nothing's wrong with her.” Shawn echoes, cause who is Eddie to even talk about her like that? Eddie hadn't been there when she was up. When she’d fix Shawn dinner and put out her cigarettes cause he hated the smell. When she’d teach him how to make the lunch lady think he paid more than he did so he could get a dessert. 

“Whatever’s wrong with Virna…” Eddie starts, and Shawn doesn’t want to hear this. Why does he have to hear this? “..It’s wrong with her too.”

Eddie scratches the side of his head like this is some normal observation. Shawn just looks at him because nothing is wrong with her or his Mom. Virna isn’t even Stacey's Mom– how would that even work?

Shawn looks at the dirtied denim of his pants, and the look on his face must give something away. Eddie continues on, “Must’ve gotten it via osmosis or something.”

Shawn doesn’t know what osmosis is, but he’s pretty sure Eddie is wrong. 

“Why’d you come over?” Shawn asks him, cause now it feels like he’s just insulting family– something you never do in front of the ones who actually tolerate each other. 

“Just wanted to check on you.” Eddie admits. “That’s all.”

—

On the last week of the month, when money wasn’t really there and his Mom was sitting, staring anywhere else, willing herself to be in any situation but this one, Eddie knocked on the door. 

“Take this.” He said, voice demanding. Shawn looked down at what he was being handed. A pack of ham, some bread and cheese.

“You want to be spending your money on some school lunch, or keepin’ it so you can buy some stuff you need?” Eddie asks. “Take it.”

Shawn grabs the packs from him, then stops to think. 

“Where’d you get the money for this from?”

Eddie’s already backing away, heading down the road. “Don’t worry about it, Shawnie.”

Shawn knows that Eddie steals, but if he’s finally turning over a new leaf and stealing stuff they need, Shawn won’t stop him.

—

The last time Shawn saw Eddie, it was bad. 

And it turned out he wasn’t turning over a new leaf, maybe Shawn was just finally seeing other sides of it. 

Eddie decided to take him on one of his adventures, which was just him teaching Shawn how to jailbreak a computer. When he got bored of all the numbers and gave up halfway through– Eddie got mad. Told him he could’ve gotten them arrested, and that it wasn’t fun anymore. 

You know I'm 18 now, yeah? They don’t send me to juvie. They send me away to jail. You trying to get me put into jail?

Shawn said no, Eddie almost smiled, but still told him to get out of his way. 

Shawn responded with a resounding bite me, which wasn’t as intimidating to his brother as it was to some of the kids who tried to bother Cory at school.

But here he was ,in front of Eddie’s trailer (not his Mom’s, but the one he and his friends had taken to claiming under the Hunter name, for whatever else they got up to.). Stacey was supposed to take him to school an hour ago, but she wouldn’t get up. 

He wasn't allowed to walk to school in February. Too much snow. Not that it ever really stopped him, but he wasn’t fond of having frostbite on his nose by the time he got to Mr.Feeny's room. 

So now he’s knocking on his door, waiting for Eddie to answer and take him to school. Eddie might do it, but he’s been less brotherly and more delinquent-y to Shawn. But then again, he was called a delinquent too. By adults he didn’t really know him and people who took trailer park to mean criminal. 

The door swings open, screeching like it’s been hurt when it does so. “What?” Eddie yells. 

He’s got a dirty wife beater, a flannel and a worn denim jacket over it. Shawn’s pretty sure he saw him in the same one last week. He’s just in his boxers, and Shawn guesses it is 9 something. Should he have expected any different?

Shawn’s bundled up though– well, to the best of his Mom and Dad’s ability. Shawn sometimes notices how winter for him means a bunch of layers with a big jacket on top, while Cory gets thick wool sweaters and pants lined with fleece.

He tries to not pay much mind to it. 

“Stacey’s not up.” Shawn states. Eddie raises an eyebrow at him, eyes shifting back and forth before finally landing on Shawn. “What’s that have’ta do with me?”

Shawn just looks at him. Is this worth the fight?

It’s not like he really likes going to school, but he promised Cory he’d be there so he wouldn’t have to sit with Mr.Feeny and Topanga alone, a double team of weirdness compounded with boredom that neither of them can deal with without each other. 

“I need to go to school.” Eddie's not buying it though, so he tries something extra for measure. “If I get another absence they’re calling home. And I’m pretty sure Dad put you down…”

His Dad didn’t put anyone down. He’s pretty sure his emergency contact was him, his Mom, and maybe half of Uncle Mike’s number he could remember. 

Eddie closes his eyes hard, and mutters to himself “Jesus fucking christ..” Before leaving the doorway. 

He starts walking fast, a pace Shawn’s legs weren’t made to keep up with. He swings their trailer door open, and grabs a pot and starts filling it up with water. 

“What’re you doing?” Shawn asks, cause suddenly this isn’t making much sense. He just needed him to drag Stacey out of bed, or he doesn’t know– use one of the cars he probably hot wired and take him to school. 

Eddie turns the sink off, careful to leave it dripping and not completely off in weather like this. “I’m waking her up.”

“Eddie y’know she's not actually asleep.” Shawn reminds, voice going higher with nervousness. “She’s just doing that thing where she won’t get up. Maybe we should give her a second.”

Eddie turns toward him, pot full of ice cold water pointing at him accusingly. “Listen here Shawnie, you wake me up– come to my trailer after almost getting me caught? I’m not going back without doing whatever you thought deserved my attention that much.”

Eddie doesn’t give him time to respond, just heads into Shawn’s (and also Stacey’s, but that’s not really important. The curtain hung up in the middle divides the room well enough.) room with the pot of water. 

“Stace?” Eddie yells, and Shawn sees her again– there’s a pack of cigarettes on her desk and Shawn can tell her eyes are open, she just won’t budge. 

“Stacey, Shawn’s supposed to be at school. But you haven’t gotten up, so now he’s gettin’ me up, and that’s not something I wanted to do.” Eddie explains casually, and Shawn has a feeling he’s watching the worst trainwreck since the one in Exploding heads 2: the Headless train conductor. 

“So now you’re getting up.” Eddie finishes with a good amount of force to his words– and then it happens. 

Eddie pours the pot of (very cold, ice cold even) water onto Stacey's bed. 

Stacey shoots up fast, and she looks pissed, if it was possible Shawn thinks steam would be coming out of her ears.

“What’s your issue Eddie?” She yells, hair now wet and looking more yellow than the platinum blonde she was going for. “Take Shawn’ta school. Okay?”

“I was going to!” She exclaims, throwing wet cover off of her and attempting to shake it off her hands.”I just.. I don’t know.”

“Yeah, well now you do.” Eddie says. He turns to Shawn, who’s still sitting in the corner– looking paralyzed. “She lay back down, you get another pot and do the same thing, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Shawn repeats quietly, cause he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to do something like that to her.

“God you don’t have to–” Stacey starts, but picks up her pack of cigarettes before even finishing the sentence. “I was gonna get up, okay? Eventually. I’ve taken him to school the whole week. When are you gonna step up and do your older brother duties?”

Eddie doesn’t seem phased by her outburst, and Shawn is suddenly feeling like maybe he should’ve let Cory deal with Topanga on his own. 

“You need a psychiatrist, Stace.” She scoffs at him, picking up a light. “You need to get out of our trailer.”

“You need a better dye job.” He quips back.

“God you’re so–” She starts to shove at Eddie, pushing him out of her (and also Shawn’s) room. “Get out!”

“I’m getting out!” He tells her, then adds an after thought. “Don’t you have class too? Or are two out of three Hunter kids dropouts now?”

“Get out!”

—

“Eddie?” Shawn asks, voice quiet and rough. Eddie looks tired of him– but for once, he doesn’t say anything about it.

“Yeah Shawnie?” He answers. “Why’d Stacey leave me?”

Then, in an all too honest phrase– something you shouldn’t say to a grieving twelve year old boy (at least in Shawn’s opinion) Eddie asks:

“Aren’t you used to it by now?” He keeps talking afterwards, like he’s saying something profound and understanding to Shawn. Something that he thinks is good advice. “People like us? We leave. People leave us. Don’t ever get used to ‘em. Those built-ins too. We’re meant to be here, they’re not. We try to leave? Yeah, we’re not making it long.” 

He starts getting big with his words, feeling them wholly. Shawn tries to discreetly wipe the tears in his eyes.“Either get used to ‘em leaving, or spend your whole life feeling sorry over it. Besides– Stacey’s gonna end up back here one way or another. She can’t make it anywhere else—”

Eddie finishes his statement bluntly. “None of us can, so get comfy kid.” He pats Shawn on the knee, and goes back to looking at the night sky. Shawn’s been sitting out here for awhile, because maybe Stacey’ll come back. She’ll show back up, say it was all a mistake or that she changed her mind.

But it’s been a long time, and who is he kidding?

Stacey can make it anywhere she wants to, she just couldn’t stay here. Then, the notion Eddie puts out makes him feel sick. Not with nausea, but with anger. 

Stacey’s gonna end up back here one way or another. She can’t make it anywhere else.

For the first time in a long time, an honest unfiltered thought about Shawn’s family makes its way to the forefront of his mind. 

He doesn't think he likes Eddie very much.

—

When Shawn turns 12, he doesn’t see much of Eddie. He spends a lot of his time at Cory’s house, doing whatever they want to do. It’s fun, and it’s less freedom than he gets at home– but he likes hanging out with Cory. Likes going to his house and watching a phillies game, or going to Chubbies on a random afternoon then debriefing whatever dates they had. It’s not as much fun with Cory, ‘cause he’s still hung up on Topanga no matter how much he tries to convince Shawn otherwise.

But everything with Cory is better than it would be with anyone else. 

Eddie doesn’t see it that way. 

Cory’s Dad just dropped him off, right at the entrance– Shawn wouldn’t have minded being dropped off closer to his house. Cory’s Dad acted like it scared him though, and Shawn wanted to get out of his car before why driving into his neighborhood scared Cory’s Dad made sense in his mind. 

As he’s trudging down to his trailer, feet covered in snow, Eddie meets him halfway and wraps an arm around his shoulders. 

Shawn doesn’t like Eddie very much.

But he’s family.

“Hey Shawnie, how was it with built-in?” Shawn throws Eddie’s arm off of him. “It was fine, we went to Chubbies.”

Eddie ignores Shawn’s insistence for personal space, and puts his arm back around him. Shawn must pull a face, cause Eddie moves to explain. “Y’know you aren’t home much, thought I’d escort you back so they don’t think you’re an outsider.” 

That’s what he’s worried about. 

“Eddie come on man, everyone knows I live here.” Eddie rolls his eyes at him. “Heck, everyone here’s family—” 

“Do they though?” Eddie pauses for a second, like he’s giving Shawn time to think. “You spend so much time with those kids you might as well live with them.” Shawn won’t remind him that it’s just Cory he hangs out with, and not really much of anyone else that matters to him. That might just make his case worse.

“Well sorry I don’t want to sit in an empty trailer while Dad’s off looking for a job.” Shawn reminds him, cause Eddie hasn’t lived with him since he was two. Eddie hasn’t known what it was like to sit there, waiting on someone who wasn’t going to come back. 

Eddie feigns like he’s thinking of a really smart answer (or maybe he really does think he’s that smart.). “You could always spend time with me, you know, your family. Not some high class kid who doesn’t really care about you.”

That’s when Shawn really started to get really annoyed with Eddie, because Cory does care about him. Cory gave him $5 for a class present when he didn’t have it– actually convinced him to come home. Cory cared for Shawn– he knew it. 

It was fact.

Cory found him after they hadn’t talked since kindergarten (since his Dad thought it’d be fun to go to Oklahoma for a year or two,) and actually wanted to be his friend. Not really caring about where he lived. (Shawn didn’t really know that last part. Every time he brought it up, Cory would look a little uncomfortable but recover quickly. That’s more than he can say about most people.)

“Cory cares about me.” Shawn tells him, biting his words so Eddie really understands.

 “Yeah, ‘cause that’s worth something.”

Suddenly they’re at his door, and Eddie is spinning him around, leaning down to his level and looking him dead in the eye. Shawn hates it, and hates him. “I’m your family Shawnie. He's not.” 

He punctuates his next sentence with a poke to his chest. “Family is all you got. Remember that.”

Shawn nods, cause it’s not like he doesn’t understand that. But it’s more than just family. He’s got family and Cory. Cory’s always been the exception, it’s not like he doesn’t get it. 

But maybe, Shawn thinks he hates Eddie because he’s right. 

Family is all they’ve got. Cory can be close to it, but he’ll never be it. 

Who else can he count on?

—

Halfway through the 7th grade, Shawn gets a call at the Matthews house– which is weird, cause his Dad doesn’t call, and his Mom is adverse to phones for some reason. 

Mrs. Matthews tells him it’s for you, Shawn, and him and Cory share twin looks of utter confusion. 

When he picks up the phone, it’s obvious who it is. 

“Look Shawnie, I need you to do me a favor.” Eddie starts talking rapid fire, and Shawn doesn’t get time to adjust or really find out what the concern is. When he turns back to look at Cory, he still has the same confused look on his face–one eyebrow raised. 

Shawn tries to school his face into something more neutral, flashing Cory a smile so he’ll calm down.

“What kind of favor—”

Eddie cuts him off (rude, because he was just about to ask what he needed to do.). “They’re searching my trailer later, yeah? I need you to get every computer you see outta’ there, every last one. Just put them in your room, or under the chair.”

“What?” So much for looking unconcerned. “Could you tell me why you’re, oh I don’t know– being searched?” Eddie makes a frustrated sound, and ignores Shawn’s very valid question. 

“Look Shawnie, I don’t have time. I’m your brother, yeah? Would I ever steer you wrong?”

Shawn thinks yes, yes he would. 

“Look, I don’t know–” Shawn chews at the inside of his lip. “I’m at Cory’s and I might not be able to get home fast enough.”

“I’m family.” Eddie repeats, like that should be enough. It almost is. 

“Tell me what’s on them, and I’ll do it. Tell me why I need to hide it.” Eddie goes quiet for a few seconds, then starts with a new vigor. “You’re only 12, you won’t get in any trouble if they catch you. I’ll go to jail.”

“Eddie-–”

“Shawnie. For family?” Suddenly he sounds less angry, and Shawn can tell his resolve is breaking down. It can’t hurt to do this one thing for him. It’s for family. The one sibling he’s got left. 

“Yeah, yeah. For family.”

—

Shawn tries to convince Mrs.Matthews to take him home early, but she insists that he needs to rest. Sit down for a second. She no doubt thinks something bad happened over the phone, considering how Shawn is now restless and jittering. 

Shawn tries to get back into the game, actually do some homework with Cory (which, who is he kidding— wasn’t going to happen anyway.) until it’s time for him to go back home. 

When it finally is, he goes to check Eddie's trailer. Just in case he’s not too late. 

When he gets there?

It’s empty. 

Eddie isn’t around for a while after.

When Cory tells him about the story in the paper where someone from Pink Flamingo was jailed for theft, Shawn pretends he doesn’t know who it is.

—

Shawn doesn’t see Eddie after that. 

If not for his jail sentence, for living with Jon and having a stable home and for once in his life having a constant in Jon. Having someone always there for him– even if they both were confused.

Sure, Jon wasn’t perfect, but things were good. 

So good, in fact, that Shawn opens up one night over dinner. 

“My sister would’ve liked you.” Shawn tells Jon in between bites of Alfredo. Jon stops what he's doing, staring at Shawn with an incredulous expression. “Sister?”

“Yeah, she took off when I was 12, but I think she’d like you.”

Jon makes a weird pained expression that Shawn tries to ignore. “What was she like?”

Shawn starts to share things about her, how she was always there, when she read him books at night and dyed her hair and picked him up from school. But also how she got really upset sometimes, and she would yell and scream and lay in bed and smoke—

“She smoked?”

“Yeah, but she always put them out around me. I think they smell gross.”

“Yeah, they do.” Jon agrees, then stops to think for a second. “If I found a way for you to talk to her.. Would you be open to it?”

“Nah.” Shawn says it casually, focusing more on twirling noodles than what Jon thought would be a life altering question for him.

“How come?”

“Stacey left cause she didn’t want to be found.” Shawn tries to explain it in the way he’s rationalized it to himself. It’s the only way he’s been able to accept it. “I don’t want to find her if that’s not what she wants. She could be dead, and I wouldn’t know.”

Shawn swallows for a second, trying to focus on something else before his voice gets all quiet and his real, juvenile missing-his-older-sister answer spills out of him. “That’s how she wants it. So that’s how it’ll stay, I guess.”

“Look, Shawn–” Jon starts, and Shawn cuts him off cause he senses the concerned parent about to come out of him. “It’s fine.”

Jon coughs, clearing the tense air. “You got any more siblings?”

“Two.” Shawn tells him. “Two?”

“Yeah, Eddie and Jack. Eddies… he’s somewhere. He didn't live with us, but I saw him.. Around, I guess.”

Jon nods, like he’s taking all the information down and putting it in a file somewhere. Shawn doesn’t think any other adult has done that for him every time he talks, and he wants to think that means Jon is different. 

“Eddie gets into trouble a lot. If you saw him, you’d think that I’m Saint Nicholas.” 

“Saint Nicholas is Santa Claus. Not an actual saint.” Jon corrects, and Shawn cracks a smile at him.

“Jon come on, Santa isn’t real.” He then mellows out, continuing on. “Eddie just.. he got Stacey out of bed sometimes, and he wasn’t the best. But– he’s family, y’know Jon? That’s gotta be good for something.”

Jon smiles at Shawn like it pains him, and tries to sound reassuring. He doesn’t think of leaving just like Shawn, never looking back– finding his own family in one or two people and still not fully understanding his place in the world. Barely understanding it as he takes care of Shawn and tries to assure him of his place in the world. Giving him something Jon never felt like he had: 

A home. 

“Yeah,” Jon pauses before he speaks, because it’s not really a lie– but he guesses this isn’t the whole truth either. “It's good for something Hunter.”

—-

Shawn comes back to the apartment, upset and reeling— something he knows Jon can tell from the second he opens the door. 

Play pretend. Go be the hero. 

You’ll be back, this is who you are. 

Police? You’d do that to family?

Yeah. I would. 

“I take it seeing Eddie didn’t go how you hoped.” Jon prompts, and Shawn can’t find it in him to give Jon a look at how obvious the answer to his question is. 

Jon has a way of making Shawn feel like he can spill all of his guts, though. That he can say everything he’s been holding back in a cluster of word vomit that the man’ll understand. This time is no different. 

“He’s family, you know? He’s supposed to care. I think he does but it’s not– he only cares for me when I’m there. He thinks I’ve betrayed him by coming to live with you.” Shawn runs a hand through his hair, a distressed tick Jon has started to notice. “It’s not like I don’t think about it all the time, like it doesn’t eat at me.” 

“I like it here Jon, I really do. And Eddie thinks you’re just gonna leave, and I’m gonna end up right back where I started. I think he wants me too, cause he’s lonely.”

“I’m not gonna leave you Shawn.” Jon tells him, words firm and warm. Unshakable, and for once Shawn lets himself believe it.

“I wish Eddie would be happy for me. He’s–”

Shawn wants to say family, wants to say that Eddie is someone he can consider family.

But family? It’s Cory, who was happy when he went to live with Jon. It’s Jon, who always wants him to be better– who smiles at him and is somewhere in the realm of father-brother-someone he can lean on, family in his brain. 

When he thinks of that space, Eddie isn’t in it anymore. 

Shawn doesn’t think he likes Eddie very much. Now though, he doesn’t have to. 

Jon breaks through his thoughts. “He’s what?”

“He’s not really family. It doesn’t matter.”

(Somehow though, in the corner of his mind– Eddie will always be family. Shawn’ll always care about him, no matter what he tells himself.)