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Chapter Text

Natalie walked through the gates, her eyes drooping with evidence of her lack of sleep. She was already late to class; her dad couldn't even bring himself off the couch to drop her off, so she walked the whole way. Tai and Van were walking in front of her, but she couldn't even bring herself to socialise instead she muttered something under her breath.

"Oi burnout!" Some guy across from her shouted she groaned, rolling her eyes and walking faster than needed, pushing past Taissa and Van. One of them gave an annoyed grunt.

Natalie strode past her first period class instead walking to the old, abandoned hall bathrooms, one of her favourite hiding spots in the school. It always seemed to smell of black mould, weed and smoke but Natalie sat down on one of the change room benches and lit up a cigarette right beside the beat-up barred window. She breathed a long sigh, coughing out some smoke.

Next to the entrance she heard gentle footsteps, a tall shadow stretching along the wall near the entrance which made her quickly toss the cig into one of the stalls next to her. Instead of a teacher walking in, it was Lottie. Every step of hers radiating 'rich girl.' Natalie looked annoyed, gritting her teeth before grabbing her stuff and standing up. Lottie knew Natalie, and Natalie knew Lottie. They just never talked. It was soccer and soccer only, hence why Natalie wasn't so fond of her.

"You just made me waste a perfectly good cig." Natalie hissed, unamused by Lottie's silent behaviour.

"Sorry." The tall girl said quickly though she didn't move from the entrance. Lottie looked like she was staring into the abyss, zoning out.

"Give me a heads-up next time before you beside to sneak up on me, or any other unfortunate victim."

Natalie was about to walk past Lottie, but Lottie didn't move.

"Yoohoo. Space girl. Move?" Natalie clicked ain Lottie's face. She finally snapped back to the girl in front of her.

"Oh, Sorry." She said shifting to the side to let Natalie through. Before she could walk out Lottie grabbed her wrist. "I forgot to ask. Can I ask you a question?"

Natalie looked unamused and uninterested. "You're asking me one already."

Lottie didn't exactly laugh. "You're in the Yellow Jackets team right?"

"Mhm."

"Would you mind voting me for team captain?"

Natalie just nodded blankly before slipping out of the bathroom as Lottie's eyes trailed after her.

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Later That Day during training:

The team was gathered into a small bundle, apparently Coach had an important announcement. Everybody knew it was about the team captain, probably about voting for team captain

"Yellow Jackets, I have an important announcement. As a team we need a someone to represent our name in tournaments and organise our team responsibly which is why, I have decided to make Jackie our Team Captain!"

Shauna and Laura Lee were the only two to applaud her, Natalie couldn't give two shits about who was captain but part of her felt bad for Lottie, just because she asked her not because she cared about her of course.

Coach's whistle blew, ringing through the air like an alarm. Everybody froze, turning to look at Coach, but before Natalie could turn around a ball came hurdling at her, hitting her straight into her face. Lottie's foot was halfway off the ground, her hands crashing over her mouth before running over. Natalie was already on the bright grassy floor, Misty simultaneously hovering over her asking different medical questions that she didn't have the capacity for. She was practically pushing people off her to stand up Lottie reached her hand out to help her up.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hit you."

Natalie slapped Lottie's hand away from her, her cheek already hot and burning from the impact of the ball.

"I don't need your damn help." Natalie groaned getting up, rubbing her eye before walking back to the locker rooms in a humiliated hurry. Lottie stood stunned, everybody resumed their game, the casual conversations of what happened filled her ears. Before she knew it, she was jogging into the change rooms with an ice pack in hand.

The door was locked shut but Lottie knocked gently.

"Go away." Natalie said her tone a mix of anger, annoyance and embarrassment.

"I'm here to help." Lottie said softly, knocking once more.

Natalie didn't know why, but she opened the door for her. The hinges creaked and the silence between them stretched for what felt like 10 minutes. Lottie walked in calmly as if she hadn't just hurled a ball 60km at Natalie's face. She sat down on the changing room bench, tapping the seat next to her.

Natalie followed hesitantly, stopping halfway. "I'd rather stand."

"If you want my help, sit."

Natalie groaned as if it were the most annoying thing in her life, her jaw clenched tight.

"What if I don't want your help?"

"Then you wouldn't have opened the door. Natalie."

Natalie froze, not because she was nervous, because Lottie was completely right, she didn't know why she opened the door, why didn't she just keep it closed. Eventually Natalie sat beside Charlotte, enough distance between them that she didn't have to talk to her.

"Show me your face." Lottie reached over to Natalie's face, gently cupping her cheek and pulling her face closer to inspect it.

"Oh My god, I'm so sorry." Lottie quickly iced the area, as if the ice pack would cover everything she did. Her hand stayed cupped around Natalie's face, keeping it stable and positioned perfectly.

"Don't act like you care." Natalie winced, as the ice touched her face. "Fuck."

"Why do you act like this? Natalie. I'm helping you; does it not look like I care?"

Lottie let go of Natalie's face, instead grabbing her hand and giving the ice pack to her. Despite her frustration, Lottie's reactions were controlled and gentle, which is what really scared Natalie.

"You know what? You're welcome." Lottie finally huffed, walking out of the room too quick for Natalie to apologise. She stared at the ice pack in her hand, the feeling of Lottie's hand against her face now absent made her regret everything she did. She hated how vulnerable she felt, but at the same time craved the feeling to be cared for.

"Your an asshole Natalie." She said to herself, tossing the icepack on the floor and walking out of the locker rooms calling after Charlotte.

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Natalie walked home that day, the gravel beneath her horribly muddy converses weirdly reminded her of Lottie. Everything reminded her of Lot, everything she messed up in the interaction was lasered in her mind. When she finally reached her home, she got into the shower. The water was cold and harsh, but it wasn't like she cared. In her mind, her thoughts were racing as if she had committed a crime, why did she shower. Her thoughts always got louder when she did. She didn't want to think about it at all. Not about Charlotte, not about what she said and not about how she said it.

When she finally got out the shower her body was cold and shivering. If she could, she would stay in that shower forever, but her dad would kill her for wasting the water. She slipped on some clothes that smelled like regret and pushed her earphones into her ears and turned on her Walkman trying to drown herself in music she didn't even pay for.

Before she even knew it her dad was yelling. Something about how her Mom had accidently dropped a plate. Natalie didn't even notice, it was like something already filtered out from her head. That's when a car drove up the road near her trailer a familiar aura filling the air. "Natalie, I know you're in there sulking!" Van shouted her head peeking out of the car window. Natalie looked out of the window to the old car in front of her trailer, she rolled her eyes chucking on a leather jacket and stepping out towards the vehicle.

"What now Van-"

"HOP IN!" Van shouted, arms waving uncontrollably in a wave. Taissa was driving, looking uninterested.

"Where are you kidnapping me to now?"

"Your favourite... Ice cream!" Van unlocked the car before Nat could even respond.

She rolled her eyes. "Fine..."

Natalie ducked into the back seat acting all tough, while actually being touched that Van came to hangout, she could never tell her that though. They pulled into a popular ice-cream shop for couples in the area, Natalie got out from the car to see the busy shop before hesitantly walking in. She was so busy scanning the flavour choices she didn't notice Lottie standing right next to her.

"Heads-up." Lottie said watching the blonde girl turn around startled.

"Fuck- Lottie, you scared me. I thought I said to give me a heads-up."

"I did. I said heads up?"

"That's. Not what I meant..."

"Besides what are you doing here?" Natalie didn't look amused.

"To check if you were, ok? I hit you in the face with a soccer ball. I wanted to see if you were really as fine as you said." Lottie had a genuine look of concern on her face. She quickly grabbed Natalie's shoulders, turning her side to side to examine her black eye.

"Shoot. Nat- I'm so, so, so sorry. I didn't mean to hit you at all-"

"I said I'm fine Lottie." Natalie cut her off already moving to Van's side. "It's just a black eye. Nothing I haven't had before." Lottie still looked concerned, her tall figure standing behind Nat as if she were a shield or some sort of bodyguard. For Natalie it hurt that she had someone caring for her. It felt stranger to her.

She thought about that interaction more than she wanted to admit, she would never admit it to anyone. It would sound stupid. Natalie was staring off somewhere until Van's voice cut through her zone out.

"What flavour did you want Nat?"

She immediately snapped back to the present, fumbling with her wallet.

"Oh- Uh. Shit. Rocky Road."

Lottie immediately grabbed Natalie's hands still. "It's good, I'll pay."

Natalie's breath froze in her throat her ears turned redder than the red painted stripes on the wall. Lottie thanked the ice-cream girl, leading the group to a small table outside. Van snuck in some comments to Natalie. "Someone's red eared."

Natalie elbowed her. Tai simply rolled her eyes grabbing Van's hand and dragging her to the spot next to her. The silence of the table was almost deafening, not one of them spoke until Tai finally said something obnoxious.

"Are none of us going to even try to make conversation or are we going to act awkward for the whole time."

Lottie tucked her knees to her chest, resting her feet on the chair. "So, when did you guys start dating..." signalling to Taissa and Van her expression innocent as always. Van choked on a spoonful of her ice-cream.

"What?!" Van slammed her hands on the table, coughing her lungs out.

Tai looked around as if someone just dropped a bomb.

"I asked when you guys started dating...?" Lottie said louder now taking another bite of her ice-cream.

"Nat shut her up!" Tai glared at Natalie until she tapped Lottie lightly.

"You guys are dating am I not, right?" Lottie said looking around Natalie tapped her harder now.

The two had no words, Nat whispered something into Lottie's ear. Whatever she said, it made Charlotte nod quietly before finally piping down.

The group finished their ice-creams all fitting into Van's car. Natalie was stuck with Lottie in the backseat. Lottie looked so beautiful in the dark damp light, her eyes looked dark like black coffee and Natalie couldn't stop staring. Lottie was paying attention to Tai and Van's conversation before turning to look at Nat who was blatantly staring.

"You know it's rude to stare." Natalie whipped her head back to her feet, swallowing hard. Lottie hovered her hand over Nat's knee the girl moved her knee closer to Lottie, like an invitation of some sort.

Lottie's hand rested on Nat's knee as if they had been doing it forever, she squeezed it gently, long enough to comfort her. The first stop was a giant mansion that looked like it had 12 bedrooms in it. Natalie was stunned. "Lottie- Is this your house?"

Lottie chuckled lightly. "It's nothing really..." though Nat didn't buy a word of it, her jaw was already on the ground.

The amber toned girl opened the door to get out, but Natalie held onto her hand. Lottie looked back, her hair always perfectly seemed to fall on her shoulders she was so irresistible without even trying. Natalie was mesmerised. Part of her just wanted to grab her face and kiss her right there the other part wanted to run. In the moon light she looked like a shimmering lake in the warm sun she was just so beautiful, so cared for, so different from whatever she was.

"Do you want to come in?" Lottie's voice was calm, gentle almost reassuring. Nat only nodded slowly too stunned to speak. The girl helped Natalie out of the car, leading her inside, their hands still intertwined. Tai looked at Van with a look that said 'Since when was this-'

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Authors Note:

This is the first chapter of My new YellowJacket's series. I've wanted to write a fic about Lottienat for AGES. So hope you all enjoyed this story!! Because this took HOURS.

Chapter Text

[SELF HARM, ABUSE, HOMOPHOBIA TW]

Lottie unlocked her front door, revealing a lavish house with paintings almost as beautiful as Lottie herself, and glass assortments of free form art. She looked out of the window to see the sun setting in a beautiful display of oranged and reds.

"Woah, Lots... This place is giant." Lottie just shrugged.

"Sorry the floor is so cold. It'll heat up in a second." Natalie's jaw was dropped once more.

"YOU HAVE HEATED FLOORS?!"

"You don't?"

"My bad Lottie, I don't live in a MANSION." Natalie said already looking around. Charlotte didn't stop her.

"Would you like any drinks?" Natalie shook her head quickly, following Lottie around like a lost puppy except a puppy with smoky eyeliner and shaggy hair. Lottie chuckled, a light soft sound that made Natalie's heartbeat louder than she thought.

Lottie grabbed Nat's hand leading her upstairs to a giant room filled with posters and tapestries. It looked like if a hippie grunge giant vomited all over the room. In a good way of course. With Lottie, Natalie always meant things in a good way.

The amazed girl couldn't help but stare at the difference between Lottie and her room. "Jesus, She's beautiful. Her room is almost as pretty as her." Natalie thought.

"Fuck. Natalie stop thinking about girls." She thought to herself, already looking away, instead looking at the walk-in closet, stepping towards it.

"You know Nat. You look at me a lot" Lottie gave a soft laugh, rubbing the back of her neck. Matthews was so much taller than Nat, Almost half a foot. Natalie always looked up at her, but she didn't mind that much.

"You know, if you keep looking at me like that. I might get the wrong idea." Natalie's ears were not bright red covered by her blonde shaggy hair. She stopped mid step.

"Like what?" She asked, but she knew the answer.

"With a little too much love in your eyes." Natalie froze, her mouth opened and closed but nothing came out.

Lottie stepped forward, touching Nat's shoulder to turn her around, she obeyed.

"When you look at me like that, it makes me want to do something I think I'll regret."

"Can I kiss you, Natalie?" The two girls stood in a stalemate, not one of them moved.

Natalie didn't respond. She didn't know how, how to talk to Lottie without fucking it up, let alone kissing her. She wasn't gay.

The word in her head rang out long and insulting. Her heart was beating so fast she thought it might explode. Her lips parted slightly, wanting to say something, anything but she couldn't find even the words to say yes.

She didn't like Charlotte Matthews. She was barely friends with her but now she has the choice to kiss her. "FUCK. NATALIE SPEAK." Her head was throbbing with confliction until she was snapped out of her daze by a voice.

Her voice.

Her voice was so sweet, so soft, so calm and Natalie could never see it weaponised against anyone.

"Just. Forget about it." Lottie muttered out, already walking away to leave the room.

Lottie walked away calmly, but she wanted to cry. It was a stupid question. Why the hell would Natalie Scatorccio want to kiss her.

"I'm going to the bathroom." Lottie said flatly. Natalie didn't try to stop her. Why would she? She wasn't in love with Lottie Matthews.

She wasn't Gay.

She had kissed a girl once. During a wilderness camp, an attempt the school made to stop her weed addiction. It wasn't anything serious.

She wasn't Gay.

Natalie Scatorccio wasn't gay. She liked travis last semester...

But the way Lottie spoke, the way her hair always fell just past her shoulders, how she looked at her when she thought she wasn't looking. The way her eyes shimmered so bright in the warm spring light or how innocent her face looked when she lied.

Fuck.

She was in love with Lottie Matthews.

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Nothing happened that night, instead of facing what happened, Natalie just climbed out Lottie's window and down her drainpipe, walking home. The cold light breeze of the night made her shiver.

Shit.

She forgot her jacket at Lottie's place.

Natalie didn't bother turning back to go retrieve it, instead she kept walking until her arm hair stood up in goose bumps from the cold.

Her phone lit up in her pocket.

[LOTS :) ] It's cold outside. Do you want a jumper?

Natalie stared at her phone. Even after her cold rejection Lottie still seemed to care. It made her more beautiful. Even when she walked home, the thought of Lottie's figure, in front of her, asking if she could kiss her stayed in the back of her mind.

Half of her wanted to forget her, never go back to school.

The other half wanted to tell her she loved her, and to kiss her.

But the voice in her head let her do neither. "Can I kiss you?" The question rang in her head like a constant reminder. Why did she always have to fuck stuff up.

_______________________________

Lottie sat on her bathroom floor, her head in her hands, quiet sobs escaping her lips.

A part of her wanted to wait for Natalie to find her but she knew she wouldn't come. Because she probably ran. Like she did for all her problems.

And Lottie was just another one of her problems.

________________________________

The next day at school Natalie didn't show up. Neither did Lottie.

The team was silent not because they didn't what to say, it was because they didn't want to believe the things they were going to say.

The day went on as normal. First period, Second period... Until Last period.

But finally, when the bell rang, there she was.

Natalie.

Sitting neatly in the car park. The first person to go up to her was Van, the bags under her eyes seemed darker than usual. Maybe because she didn't bother hiding them this morning.

"Shit. Nat, you look like you haven't slept in 3 days."

Natalie just tucked her knees to her chest, siting on the curb near where training was going on.

"Where's Lottie?" Van asked. Her voice seemed hesitant though.

Natalie didn't respond.

"Don't tell me you were fucking around with Lottie."

Natalie finally turned to look at Van, her eyes were swelled with tears she simply snapped.

"Shut the fuck up Van. I wasn't fucking around with Lottie for god's sake. Is that all you see me as? Someone who just whores around with random people just because I feel like it? I thought you were my friend. You're just a bitch."

"Natalie that's not what I fucking meant, and you know it."

"No. Van I don't know. Because I'm just some whore aren't I? I'm not like you Van I'm not some G-"

Natalie stopped but it was too late.

"I'm a what. Finish your sentence, Natalie."

Natalie stayed silent. It wasn't going to fix anything by talking. She didn't cry, she didn't argue because she knew she was at fault here, and Van did too.

"I'm a what. A dyke? A Fag. Say it Natalie. Say it to my fucking face."

Van stood up and pushed Natalie with the bottom of her shoe.

"You're the fucking asshole Nat."

And like that, Van walked away. Nat sat quietly on the curb finally crying, heart throbbing sobs that shook her whole body.

"Stupid fucking asshole Natalie. You ruin everything can't you just do something right for once you useless girl."

Useless girl.

The words reminded her of what her dad used to call her.

"Useless girl, You can't seem to do anything right."

Her body ached, the healed bruises felt like they were fading back purple onto her skin, she scratched at her arms until they were red and inflamed, banged at her head until she was throbbing with a headache.

That's when a familiar car drove into the school gates. the license plate read 'Lottie'

Fuck.

Perfect timing.

Natalie stood up to walk away her arms red and bumpy from scratching. The doors of the cars opened and shut, and footsteps followed after Natalie.

Lottie grabbed Natalie's arm her grip was tight but comforting. As she felt the bumps and heat of her skin she pulled Nat back just enough to turn her around.

Natalie's hair was messy, looked like she hadn't slept in ages, and her clothes were the same from last night. The only thing different were the red scratch lines along her arms.

"Shit. Natalie what did you do?!" Lottie looked at Nat's arms with genuine concern.

"Nat, look at me!" Natalie was being tugged by Lottie, but she didn't talk, she looked so broken.

"Natalie!" Natalie's eyes held tears from crying, her face was so red, already breaking out in a rash from the constant eye wiping.

Natalie finally moved, wrapping her arms around Lottie like her life depended on it. She squeezed tight and buried her face against her shoulder. Lottie stumbled back slightly, taken aback.

"I fucked everything up I'm so sorry Lotts."

"I'm sorry I've been such a shit person this past week and I don't know why."

"Lotts, I didn't mean to be so harsh last night, I was fucking hung over as shit and already about to take some more. And now I completely messed it up with Van. She hates me now."

Lottie patted Nat's back rubbing circles on her spine.

"Shh, Nat. It's fine... I wasn't hurt."

"It's not fine Lottie. Van thinks I was going to call her dyke or a fag. But."

"Fuck."

Lottie held her hands around Nat, calming her down until the sobbing stopped, her arms looked less inflamed, occasionally wiping tears away from her face with her thumbs.

"I think. I think I'm gay, Lottie.

The silence afterwards rang for too long.

"Nat. It doesn't matter what the hell you are. I'm sure the YellowJackets love you either way. And if they don't, I love you Nat."

"Damn it, this is so cringe." Natalie let out a weak laugh.

Lottie kissed her on the forehead, holding her hand and bringing her into her car.

"Oh, and. You forgot your jacket at my place." Lottie chuckled handing the jacket over to her, neatly folded and washed. It smelled like a perfume store.

"Thanks."

________________________________

Lottie drove her out of the school and to somewhere new. It was a little arcade that looked similar to a chuck e cheese. Natalie chuckled.

"Is this where you wanted to kidnap me to?"

Lottie shrugged. "I though you need something fun to do. Keep you mind off everything."

Natalie looked excited for the first time in almost forever. "I fuckin' love you Lotts."

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Authors Note:

Awe isn't this episode sweet... they're so romantic and cute. Not for long though. I'll make sure they'll be lots of drama from here on...

Chapter Text

Days went on quickly, Charlotte and Natalie weren't exactly dating, but certainly they weren't just friends. They tested the boundaries a lot between lovers and friends, but nothing became official. They simply both yearned for each other's presence and warmth but none of them wanted to say it aloud. Not yet at least.

Every week, on Fridays Lottie would take Natalie out like a gift for behaving all week, she had her trained like a puppy, but Nat didn't seem to mind. Even if Nat seemed broken and bitchy Lottie would still take her out, because that's what half lovers, half friends do.

Especially when Nat was broken Lottie loved her the most. They talked about everything they both were too scared to say to one and other or simply to talk about life. Lottie knew about Nat's home life, what she went through and where she stayed but to be honest, it made Lottie love her more.

They knew they couldn't just stay like this. Back and forth between lovers and friends, but it worked for now. And that's all that really mattered.

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On a simple Thursday practise, Lottie was sat next to Natalie applying sunscreen to each other. Nat said she 'didn't need it' but Lottie made her put some on anyways, maybe just to feel her skin.

She still hadn't made amends with Van, but they didn't hate each other. And that's all that really mattered. Nat wasn't in such a dark space anymore and she wasn't skipping as often as she did, Lottie was taking her meds on time and they both seemed so fine, so close, so safe.

Jackie walked in with a face bursting with excitement. "YellowJackets I have an announcement... WE'RE GOING TO NATIONALS"

Everybody in the room's jaw dropped. "I thought you said we had one more team to beat?"

Jackie shook her head. "They left the competition!"

Laura Lee looked worried. "Isn't that kind of unfair?"

Tai shrugged. "Works for us so I couldn't give two shits."

Lottie held Natalie's knee, squeezing three times. No one really questioned what they were now, it just became routine.

"Make some noise guys! WE'RE GOING TO NATIONALS!" Mari cheered, already applauding.

Natalie didn't look that excited, Lottie could see it in the way her eyes fell just low enough to be noticed.

Accompanied by the way she swallowed hard and how her lip twitched just a tiny smidge, but Lottie noticed because she loved to stare and analyse.

"Hey, Nat. Are you alright?"

"Fine and dandy." Natalie replied swiftly, but her voice sounded too sarcastic like she was covering something up.

"Nat. You can tell me if some things wrong..." Lottie rubbed her thumb against her knee as a way of comfort; Lottie's love language always seemed to be physical touch and intensive gift giving. What did you expect, she was rich.

"I'm great." Natalie nodded reassuringly, but it wasn't convincing at all. Her hands clenched a second too long and her fingers twitched and fidgeted but Lottie didn't ask again.

She always respected boundaries except the one between friends and lovers, that's the one she played skip with.

She knew if she tried to ask, it would only annoy her further making her snap again into another spiral.

"Why don't we go get some extra practise in." Natalie said quickly, quicker than it needed to be, her hand tracing Lottie's arms and down to grab her hand, making her stumble to her feet while being dragged away.

"Woah, where are you taking me Nat?"

They made it to the giant grassy field, but Nat kept walking.

"Natty, seriously you're scaring me."

She was led to a big oak tree in the far corner of the field, atop a small hill with a bench underneath.

"Damn, this place is beautiful, but why did you bring me here?"

"I wanted to tell you something." Natalie said hesitantly. Lottie blinked, sitting on the bench tapping the spot next to her.

"I don't think I can go to state."

Lottie's eyes widened. "Why not?!"

"I. I don't have the money for the plane fare." Natalie didn't make eye contact, like she was embarrassed or nervous, but Lottie took her hands.

"Natty, look at me. You can always ask you know, I'll be there to help. And whatever happens, you are going to nationals!"

Lottie squeezed her hands gently, planting a kiss onto Natalie's temple.

"Oh my god Lottie, You're the best." Natalie rushed to say, kissing her on the cheek before jogging to practise which already started.

Lottie's honey coloured lip gloss planted a mark on Natalie's temple, her touch felt warm and her kissed felt like a touch from the heavens.

__________________________

Practise started with Laura Lee doing a simple prayer, holding the rosary beads tight in her palm.

"Dear Jesus, thank you for your suffering and labour to allow us here, on this day to go to nationals with safety and love. Amen."

The whole team repeated Amen. Except Natalie of course.

She never really did that religious stuff, but Lottie always went to church on Sundays, her parents always hoped that church would "fix her" but it never worked. Lottie elbowed her shooting her a glare, "Amen." Natalie said quickly.

Everybody got into their positions, Tai and Melissa were playing on the opposing team and played their fullest. Coach was shouting some commands no one really listened to that's when a team meeting got called.

"Alright, Yellow jackets. As we all know we're going to state, and that's no easy feat. Because of this, I'll be switching roles."

Everybody looked at each other with that knowing look in their eyes. Coach always messed up the roles. Everybody who played defence was always put in attackers which is why with the help of Jackie, they all chose their own roles.

"Jackie, you stay behind as our main defence."

"Natalie, you go as our left wing."

"Tai you stay as our striker."

"And lastly, Melissa with be right wing."

Natalie groaned. "Is coach serious with this change? It's bullshit. Why the hell am I left wing as a defender?"

Lottie shrugged lightly. "I don't know, must not be looking close enough at the game."

_______________________

It was Friday, Natalie's least favourite day of the week because she'd be stuck at home for the next 2 days but at least Lottie takes her out.

Practise had ended and the cool breeze raked through Natalie's hair, making her look messier than she was. Mari was fixing Nat's eye makeup in the locker room, smudging it just enough.

"Damn Mari didn't know you were some secret makeup artist." Tai said walking past watching Mari finishing Natalie's makeup.

Jackie was handing out invites all day to some giant party happening that she was hosting and Nat had gotten one, she just hadn't bothered thinking about even going.

"Nattie. Are you going to Jackies party?"

"Fuck no."

"Why? It'll be so much fun!"

"The only thing fun at that party is the drugs and the drinks."

Lottie rolled her eyes playfully, tilting her head to the side. "I'll drive you there, it'll be our night out."

Natalie sighed, a small smirk playing on her lips. "Fine. But don't leave me like you did the last party."

"Yes! I'll pick you up at 6. And you better not be getting high there or I'll kill you."

Natalie gave a small chuckle, "No promises!"

______________________

When Natalie got home her dad was passed out again at the kitchen table, an assortment of pills in front of him.

"Fuck. You better not have ODed." Natalie muttered under her breath. She snatched the pills from right in front of him, stuffing them into her pockets. Her mom met her in the tiny hallway of the trailer.

"Natalie what's on your forehead?"

She quickly felt at her head, the feeling of sticky lip-gloss touched her finger.

"Shit- Just something that spilled." Her mom looked at her weird but shrugged it off.

"Natalie, if you're going out today make sure you're back by 10."

"Why? So you can go get some more weed and alcohol?"

"Don't talk to you mother like that." Her mom snapped, her lips curling into a sharp snarl.

"You stopped being my mother when you let dad hit me like he does."

"That's not my call to make Natalie. You know that."

"But do I really know that? You let him punch me around like a fucking rag and you just sit and watch like some sick wrestling match that you know I can't win."

"Don't fucking swear at me Natalie I'll tell your father."

"So he can punch me into next week again? No. Your just as goddamn disgusting as he is."

Natalie stormed into her room. Her door barely even closed, let alone slam, she just shut it as best she could and looked for her Walkman. She opened the drawer which she hid it in, under all her socks where she knew they wouldn't look, but it was gone.

"Shit. Where did I put it-" She dug through her drawer throwing socks frantically around the room like as if she looked hard enough it would be there. Socks laid on the ground, but her music was gone, and she knew just who took it.

"Dad! If you took my fucking Walkman, I will skin you alive-"

Her dad wasn't anywhere around the house, not passed out on the couch, not at the table and not in the bathroom impulse drinking. That's when the smell of burning hit her, she ran to the kitchen checking the stove, nothing was cooking.

"MOM! Somethings burn-" That's when the scene of a bonfire landed in her peripherals, her dad and her mom standing there, a pile of black burning items and ash scattered around. She ran outside to see everything she had in her 'secret' drawers and under her bed, burning in the fire outside.

"DAD! WHAT THE FUCK."

"Natalie you fucking ungrateful little shit. You hide things in my house and expect me not to find them?"

"SO YOU BURN MY STUFF?!"

"To teach you some goddamn manners. You Brat."

Tears welled in her eyes but she didn't let any fall, she didn't want to give him the satisfaction and tears just made it worse.

"How dare you swear at your mother. She birthed you into this world and I'll take you out of it."

"YOUR A DAMN PSYCO."

Natalie ran inside to grab his hunting rifle, and her dad followed her inside.

"You're going to go grab the gun now. Huh."

Natalie stood in front of him, the hunting rifle pointing forward.

"What are you, going to shoot me? You cried when you shot a turkey for the first time."

Natalie pulled the trigger, but only a silenced click noise rang out in the air. Her breath was fast and ragged, her eyes wide but her dad only laughed.

"You have the goddamn safety on. Stupid kids. Don't keep guns in a house with a kid." Natalie's father grabbed the gun, taking off the safety and walking off with it outside. "Always fucking useless aren't you."

"YOU'RE THE FUCKING USELESS ONE." Natalie shouted, her breath was getting faster, she blurted something out split second.

"What did you say to me...?" Her dad turned around, his fists clenched in a tight ball, his knuckles were turning white from how tight his grip was on the gun. He climbed up the first step before a loud bang was heard. Natalie covered her ears, a loud scream pierced through the air, her mom came running. Natalie was now sobbing, but no one comforted her, no one did when things happened because she never told anyone about them.

Natalie just ran, out of the house, out of the situation and away from everything. It was scary, she was in shock and whenever she moved, she could barely stop.

_____________________________________

Lottie was listening to music watching a movie, even two neighbourhoods away she could hear the loud gunshot. The soccer team group chat exploded.

[TAITAI]: Did anyone else hear the gunshot?

[KIDNAPPING(VAN)]: Shit is everyone ok?

[JACKSHIT(JACKIE)]: Me and Shauna are fine.

[MISTY] Yep!

[MARI]: No one hurt?

Where's Nat? :[LOTTIE]

[MELISSA]: No clue Is she alright?

[TAITAI]: Nobody heard from her today.

[JACKSHIT(JACKIE)]: Crap maybe she's hurt?

[MISTY]Let's hope not. Maybe she just fell down the stairs

[KIDNAPPING(VAN)]: Someone needs to teach Misty how to shut up

[TAITAI]: Is Lottie ok?

_________________________________________

Lottie was already in her car driving to the trailer park, her face a mix of concern, fear and disbelief. She was already hyperventilating, Nat wouldn't pick up her phone, wouldn't answer any texts.

Nattie, where are you? [LOTTIE]

Are you ok? [LOTTIE]

Nat answer [LOTTIE]

Nat you're scaring me [LOTTIE]

Nattie please answer I'm coming now. [LOTTIE]

4 Missed Calls [LOTTIE]

Lottie was just around the corner when she saw Natalie running down the street, her hair in a mess and her face streaked with tears. Lottie practically jumped out of the car, putting it in park and running after her.

"NATALIE!"

She turned around, the sound of a recognised voice made her cry more, Lottie ran after her like some cheesy 90s romance movie hugging her immediately.

"Natalie, I was so worried about you. What happened?"

She couldn't speak, she was in so much shock already breathing so hard it burned.

"Nat, talk to me."

Her voice came out in short, interrupted sobs. Lottie held her tight, rubbing her back.

"Lottie, my dad- He's dead."

"Calm down, I'm here."

Lottie held her until Natalie calm down just enough for her to get into the car.

_____________________________

TO BE CONTINUED...

Author's note:

This chapter's events aren't show accurate but whatever... This chapter was a LONGGGGG one, hope y'all enjoyed it though, it had a lot of dialogue.

Chapter Text

Natalie rested her head on Lottie's shoulder, at first, they just parked their care and sat there in each other's presence, comforting each other silently.

Lottie was tired, tired of comforting everyone around her with no space to herself, but Lottie wouldn't tell that to anyone, because Charlotte Matthew was the one that cared. She felt used but guilty if she left, she was rich and could have anything she wanted in the world, but the only thing she wanted didn't she couldn't have. At least not for real.

In that car she wanted to say something, but it was like Natalie was a porcelain doll next to her, so fragile even just breathing on her might make her break.

"You know Lottie."

Lottie tilted her head, pretending like she wasn't just thinking horrible things in her head. "Hm?"

"Your car always seems to smell like vanilla and sweetness. It's cute."

"Is that Natalie trying to flirt with me?" Lottie gave a fake clueless look; her lips curled in a small smile.

"Maybe... is it working?"

"Maybe..." Lottie and Nat were practically touching noses now when Natalie's mom came walking from around the corner.

"Natalie! Where the fuck are you!"

Natalie went ridged, every ounce of safety left in her disappeared. Her throat tightened fast, her eyes widening at the thought of the scene, she couldn't even speak.

"Are you just going to run away again?! Natalie your father's face is fucking blown off and he's on the floor! What the hell are we going to do?!"

Natalie let go of Lottie, like she had just touched something that hurt, reaching for the door with trembling hands.

"Nat, you don't have to go-" Lottie grabbed her hand gently but Natalie pulled it back and opened the door with a sharp movement. Lottie stood speechless in the car watching Natalie emotionless walk to her mother, following her back up and into the trailer park. Police cars were already parked around the trailer.

The group chat still pinged with messages Lottie couldn't let herself read.

Are you with Nat Lottie? :[KIDNAPPING(VAN)]

[JACKSHIT(JACKIE)]: Is everyone still coming to the party?

[MARI]: Wrong fucking time Jackie

[TAITAI]: I'm going to waste all of my texts with this group chat-

[JACKSHIT(JACKIE)]: Huh?

[TAITAI]: We're not all rich like you Jackie.

In the car Lottie was still struggling with whatever the hell just happened; her friend is getting dragged to a crime scene where she just unintentionally killed her dad. She didn't know whether to run after her, or to drive back home. Fuck it. She ran as fast as she could up the hill to the trailed park, following after Natalie.

Halfway up the hill her legs were burning with cardio, her lungs feeling like sandpaper when she took a breath. There it all was, Natalie's dad on the ground, half of his face blown out. She felt the bile rising in her throat, but she swallowed hard. Besides the puke about to burst out, her throat felt dry and hoarse like she couldn't talk.

That's when Natalie's eyes met with Lottie's. It would have been a sweet moment, if they weren't surrounded by cop cars and a dead man on the floor. Natalie's eyes were red and weak, and all Lottie wanted to do was cup her face and kiss her gently on the forehead until she fell asleep. It all felt like a sickly dream.

That's when Natalie walked towards Lottie, her face a mixture of disgust, worry, shock and- Anger?

"Lottie- What the fuck. Why the hell would you follow me up here?!"

Natalie's response to stress, anxiety, depression and addiction was just to snap and spiral or get into more drugs and alcohol.

"Wha-" Lottie felt like she was choking on her words.

"Don't you know how to read the fucking situation? Your soft voice and touches aren't going to fix everything you know"

"I just wanted to help." Lottie's voice was small, the bile in her throat now replaced with a lump she couldn't seem to swallow down.

"LEAVE LOTTIE! Just run back down that goddamn hill and leave!"

Lottie stumble back like Nat had just hit her, behind her eyes hid a broken hurt.

"This isn't your place Lottie, just go back to your mansion and heated floors and forget about this. Forget this every happened. Forget about me."

Lottie was slowly backing away from Natalie like she was some rabid animal, with real hurt in her eyes that glistened in the setting sun, like shards of glass you'd find on the browned sidewalk. Natalie shut her eyes, already crying hard, but when she opened them again, Lottie's car was already gone from the street in front of her trailer, and it felt like she was gone from her life.

_____________________________________________

That's when Natalie broke, she cried loud sobs that shook her whole body, not because of her dead father on the floor, it was the fact she had just pushed away someone who just wanted to help. She looked down at her hands like there was blood on them.

Her mind had Lottie everywhere, Lottie in her mind, Lottie in her eyes, Lottie around her, Lottie's scent in her nose. Lotties broken look in her heart, Lottie's hurt covering her hands mixed with the blood of her father, her hands burned with the guilt of everything weighing on her.

She looked at herself, through the reflection of the trailer window, her father's" face overlaying hers.

The words that rung in her head came from her dad. When she was young, shooting her first turkey, a perfect and clean shot.

"Like Father, like daughter." He'd say with a chuckle on his face, before she bursted out crying.

His words rang so loud in her mind she wanted to scrape the skin off her scalp and rip open her head and pull her mind out.

Like Father, like Daughter.

The resemblance made her hands shake, flipping through an image of her and her father.

Like Father, like Daughter.

The way she held the shotgun up, the aim focused just like her father demonstrated.

Like Father, like Daughter.

The way she laughed and smiled resembled him.

Like Father, like Daughter.

The way she shouted and screamed sounded just like him.

Like Father, like Daughter.

Like Father, like Daughter.

She was no different from him, and she knew it.

_________________________

The next day at school neither one of them came. Natalie never spoke to Lottie after that night, or anyone for that matter. The group chat stayed quiet after that, but even with the remaining texts Lottie never wanted to look at them.

Her head felt so loud, all Lottie wanted was to help but she was shunned out. That's when it got bad. Natalie drank and drank and drank. Drank until her eyelids got heavy and her head throbbed, swallowed so many pills her throat felt dry.

She didn't care whether she overdosed, in some part she wanted to, just to stop the pain she was feeling. She was so empty, so broken, her eyes were already dry, no tears left to cry anymore. Everything she had felt for Lottie was drowned with more cheap Vodka and Scotch or puffs of weed that she stole.

On the fourth day of absence and invisibility, her phone rang. Her personal phone that no one called.

Natalie barely looked up from her pool of despair, until the ringing stopped.

But it rang again.

Louder this time, Natalie didn't know if it was just the hallucinations from everything she was on, or if it was real. She didn't have time to find out before she grabbed the phone answering it out of muscle memory. Not even looking at the tiny screen to see who it was.

"Natalie?"

The voice was concerned.

"Hello?"

"Natalie?"

Natalie didn't speak. It wasn't anyone important. It wasn't.

Lottie.

And it broke her heart a little.

She wished it was Lottie so bad, her heart throbbed with the pain of losing something that she never could grasp. A muffled sob came through the line from Natalie's end. She longed to hear Lottie's comforting voice, the one she used when she took her out on Fridays. The one she used when it got bad at home, the one she used when Nat couldn't sleep and needed someone to talk to.

But in her heart, she knew it wasn't her. She knew her voice and the way her voice box throbbed when she whispered and the way her heart would beat faster when she got close and the way she would giggle when Natalie mentioned her favourite song.

It burned.

So much to not hear her voice on the other side of the line.

She couldn't explain how much it hurt.

"Natalie!?"

"Answer me!"

"Natalie...?"

She didn't respond, not to the phone, not to the voice she wished was Lottie's. Not to the throbbing headache or the worse ache in her chest.

She lay there, the drugs or the alcohol or the random weed she put in her system finally numbing out everything. She finally felt the peace of passing out in pain she couldn't feel.

"I'm hanging up alright?"

Natalie coughed, a loud sharp noise that crunched enough to know how hoarse her throat was from crying. Her throat scraped and her eyes rolled back, vision blacking. A quiet groan and grumble could be heard from her line, her vision creeping with growing black dots and floating white shapes.

"Natalie are you alright?"

It was Jackie.

And while high she sounded like a holy grail, like an angel at heavens gates. When she opened her eyes there Jackie was. In her room, looming over her with a sickly smile.

"Natalie you're just as much as a dead beat as your father."

"You're a fucking loser."

She looked around her room groggily, her brain tuning out whatever was going on down outside. There Lottie stood her face the same expression as the day she ran a hurt mess of distain.

"Natalie, I only dated you to see what it would be like dating a freak like you."

"I regret ever even liking you. You're just a mess."

Every word felt like a punch to the jaw, or a hunting rifle shot to the head.

Like Father, like Daughter.

That's when she woke up unusually sober.

She jumped awake, her hands planting firmly behind her, supporting her up. She wasn't in her bed. She wasn't in her room.

She wasn't even in her house.

"What the fuck." She wiped the corner of her mouth, a metallic taste lingering. She looked like she hadn't slept for days, and to be truthful...

She hadn't. Not without Lottie.

That's when she saw a figure standing in the doorway. It wasn't a tall figure, but the afternoon sun glowed behind her casting a sharp dark shadow over their front. They looked like a godess.

Maybe it was just because Natalie was dizzy and hungover, but the figure looked amazing, like her saviour.

"Natalie?"

The same melodic voice from the phone rang in her head.

The bed she was sleeping it was so comfortable she was so buried in her sleep, she didn't even realise how long she was sleeping for.

"Jackie?" Natalie coughed out a splatter of bloody webs and phlegm into a tissue she had grabbed fast enough.

"Shit- Natalie you must be so confused..."

"Uh. You just thought of that now? Where the fuck am I Jackie? And how long have I been here?"

Jackie rubbed the back of her neck and gave an awkward chuckle, looking around the room with that expression she gave Shauna when she was hiding something.

"Jackie."

"Uh- Ok- Shit- This is going to sound really bad..."

"Jackie. Just tell me before I punch your head in."

That's when Van emerged from somewhere, appearing in the doorway.

"Someone's awake." She murmured, her hair a mess of ginger locks.

"She's awake!" Van called out to someone in the other room.

A sound of rustling bedsheets came from the other room before being followed by sounds of footsteps. That's when Taissa appeared in the doorway.

"What the fuck- Why the hell are you all here."

Natalie was combing her fingers in her hair, her eyes finally registering her exhaustion, even after a long sleep.

"So, we basically came to your house and Taissa and I pulled you out of a window and put you in Jackie's car and then we drove you to Jackie's house."

Tai elbowed Van hard.

"Oh and I dunked your face in a bowl of ice water and Jackie made you drink a whole like LITER of water while you were half conscious."

"WHAT?!" Natalie shrieked, kicking the sheets off her and rushing to Jackie's guest room vanity. She pulled at her eye lids, red tiny lines bulging crimson and inflamed.

"You have to be fucking kidding me." Natalie groaned, rubbing her hands over her face.

Jackie gave a loud laugh. Van was now cackling.

"And you won't believe what the hell you were saying while half passed out!"

Natalie flushed bright red. She knew she had a bad habit of spilling everything when she was high and drunk.

Taissa gave her a glare that shut her up.

"I think that's enough talking for today... You already said alot while half asleep."

"WHAT DID I SAY?! Is it that bad?!" Natalie's eyes grew wide.

Jackie gave another awkward chuckle

"Jackie care to tell sleeping beauty?" Van gave her a look.

"You started talking alot about Lottie and how you missed her, and how you ruined everything."

"Don't forget the part where she was leaning her full body weight on Jackie, in a slumped hug talking about how she smelled really good, like vanilla and roses."

"Oh my god... I did not say any of that." Natalie put her face in her hands already regretting everything.

Jackie flipped her hair behind her shoulder revealing a small purplish mark.

"Jackie who was that?" Natalie said already expecting her to say Jeff or some random hook up.

"You." Van muttered already snickering to Taissa.

"Oh my fucking god. I am so sorry I was completely out of it." Natalie was already stammering.

"Someone forgot to mention how you got while hugging Jackie." Taissa muttered.

Small bite marks were seen on Jackie's jaw line while Natalie tried not to look too hard.

"It's fine. I knew you didn't mean to. You were passed out for ages."

"How long?"

Van was already laughing really loud now. "Almost 2 days straight."

Natalie's eyes looked like there were going to fall out at how wide eyed she was.

"You were so skinny and tired when we kidnapped you, it was so easy to carry you."

Natalie slumped over, walking back to her bed to bathe in her humiliation.

"Oh fuck off."

___________________________________

Chapter Text

Breakfast was a fast blur off laughter, occasional fuck offs and delicious smelling waffles. Whatever Natalie ate though tasted grey mushy and tasteless in her mouth. She tried to ignore the piling bile in her throat and the thoughts of Lottie. It was like Lottie took the flavour out of her mouth.

Which was theatrical because Lottie had never been in her mouth, not with tongue not with even a kiss. She had left her starving for the feel of her mouth, and the feel of her lips.

"Are the waffles good Natalie?" Van muttered, chin dripping with some syrup that Taissa gently wiped off. Natalie looked up, a mouth full of waffles drowning out her words.

"Uh- Yeah." Her words came out muffled by the sheer number of waffles she fit in her mouth. It was as if she wanted to push down the bile in her throat, or if she ate enough waffles, it would make her throat feel better from its dryness.

Nat coughed after swallowing the rest on her plate.

"So, when am I going back?" Natalie muttered, stretching her arms high above her head, her midriff shifting up to show her pale stomach. Jackie's ears turned pink.

"Not back to that shit hole again." Taissa spoke.

"I guess whenever you're ready. If you want to go back now, we can drive you?"

Natalie shook her head, plastering a smile on. "Nah, I'll stay for a little more."

"WOO HOO Movie night!" Van cheered, her arms flinging up into the air, almost making her fall back off her chair. Taissa gave a small chuckle.

"But while you're here Natalie, make sure you stay sober." Jackie said her voice tinged with fake annoyance.

Natalie laughed. "Not planning to take anything for the next like 10,000 years after what happened this time."

They all laughed together, sharing what they had forgotten to earlier.

______________________

Lottie was sitting on her bed, staring at the wall in front of her, the pale grey walls burning into her eyes. She was contemplating whether to text Natalie. She already had so many unsent texts she would never send.

Are you alright Natalie?

I'm so sorry for messing everything up Nat.

I feel terrible

Please, I can't live without you

Forget what I said, can we start over?

Lottie never sent them, and for the past week she hadn't even spoken to anyone. She was in isolation.

That's when she recklessly opened her phone, typing in a simple message.

Can we talk Natalie? [LOTTIE]

No one responded to the message, it was expected. But after an hour Lottie got worried. The type of worry that made your stomach churn with an unwanted sick feeling.

That's when a message pinged her phone.

She reached for it like it was her only hope.

She let her hopes build so high.

It wasn't her.

It was Shauna.

[SHAUNA] Lottie heard Natalie's at Jackie's house right now

[SHAUNA] You ok?

Lottie looked at her screen with an empty, hollow stare before punching in a few numbers.

[SHAUNA] You ok?

Fine, thanks. [LOTTIE]

It was the first person Lottie had spoken to this whole week. And it wasn't her.

She wished it was.

She shut her phone.

And she held her head in her hands.

And cried.

__________________________

That day no one consoled Lottie.

Natalie had heard the message ping on her beat up Nokia she only used for emergencies.

She only had 6 people saved on there.

- Lottie

- Jackie

- Travis

- Van

- Taissa

And - Kevyn

Who she hadn't texted since middle school.

Jackie, Van and Taissa were right next to her, and Travis was probably off eating out some girl.

It left one person.

Lottie.

her heart plunged all the way down to her ass.

"She texted me." Natalie managed to say, tears already forming in her eyes.

"Shit! What did she say?!" Van said already crawling over to Natalie's side trying to peak at the phone.

Natalie rolled her eyes.

"Well... What did she say?" Jackie muttered, a tight expression on her face.

"Can we talk Natalie." Nat said flatly, the way it rolled off her tongue made her shiver.

"Shiiit. That's deep." Van spoke while nodding. Tai elbowed her.

"Will you respond?" Taissa tilted her head.

"Nah, not now. I'm not ready." It sounded so cringe coming from her own mouth, making her laugh.

"Move the conversation over! This is so awkward." Natalie gave another laugh.

"Ok, Ok. Let's not focus on Ex situationships." Taissa said fixing her hair in Jackie's vanity mirror.

Jackie took a deep breath in. "Talking about situationships... Jeff has been an absolute dick."

Everybody collectively groaned before all laughing in unison.

________________________________

Lottie didn't sleep that night.

Or the next.

1 hour of sleep maximum, and she was fazing between sleep and alertness like a game of jump rope.

She looked like she hadn't slept in a century, and she sure felt like she hadn't. Her eyes were pulled down in drooped bags, and her body was skinnier, just enough to be noticed but not enough to draw attention. Her face was missing that glow, her voice was missing that softness and her eyes were missing that spark.

And you know what Lottie all together was missing?

Natalie.

Natalie didn't want her. Is what she convinced herself to believe.

She was unwantable.

Like her mother, the way her father would mutter about her being incompetent and unlovable during quiet dinners when he thought no one was listening. But Lottie was always listening. To all of his snide remarks, all the angry comments and all the arguments behind closed doors.

"Your so... Bland. The media loves the perfect marriage but we both hate it and you know it."

"What about Charlotte." Her mother whispered, mumbling over some words.

"What about Charlotte? She's broken anyways. So broken a therapist can't even help her."

"She's not broken."

"And we're poor." Her father spoke sarcastically, his voice empty and cold.

Lottie was always the perfect, rich girl daughter. Everybody knew Lottie.

But really no body in this whole world knew Lottie.

The real Lottie that she kept locked up and hidden.

The broken and sick Lottie.

But no one bothered to ask Lottie, to get to know Lottie.

Except Natalie. She was the one who cared, the one who listened, the one that comforted her.

And Lottie missed her. Not because she was hot, (She was.)

But because for the first time, she felt wanted with Natalie, seen and heard and she craved that feeling of safety without getting pushed away every time she got close. They weren't opposites, they were really similar actually.

But maybe that's why it never worked. They were the same and they just put up walls and pushed each other away.

______________________

A few hours after the Natalie got the message Jackie, Tai, Van and Nat were watching a scary movie that Taissa chose, maybe just to get an excuse to cuddle with Van. It was like Natalie and Jackie were third wheeling.

That's when a quiet, hesitant nod came from the front door.

Everybody froze.

"Jackie is that your parents?" Van muttered, popcorn stuffed mouth mumbling her words.

"No? They weren't going to be back until next week!" Jackie panicked a little.

Natalie sighed. "What if it's just the food we ordered."

"Smart... I never knew Natalie was so wise." Van laughed, nudging Tai to go open the door.

That's where Shauna stood, in the entrance of the house, just standing there.

"Shauna?" Tai said leaning on one side of the door frame.

"Piss off Taissa. Is Jackie here?"

"Nah, Jackie is just missing from her own home."

Shauna rolled her eyes.

"Move."

Taissa gave a fake scoff, following after her to claim back her space next to Van on the couch.

"Jackie!" Shauna walked over to the living room, which was now covered in blankets and fluffy pillows.

"I bought us something..." Shauna rubbed the back of her neck nervously.

"Awe, Shauna you didn't have to... Is this for upcoming nationals? Like a little celebratory gift?"

"You could say it like that." Shauna pulled out 2 new tape recorder albums.

"Oh my god! Shauna you're insane! How did you get these?!" Jackie was squealing now.

"Just some hand-me-downs." Jackie was admiring them like a wide eyed baby.

"Oh and Natalie, Lottie got you something." Shauna was reaching into her back already grabbing something out.

Her name made the breath catch in her throat. "Wait- Huh. Who?"

"Lottie." Shauna repeated, grabbing out a small pack of guitar picks, except they looked a slight bit different. They all had a date and time on them, each one on a Friday.

"Oh-" Natalie's breath caught in her throat like her name had sucked the wind out of her lungs. The gift was small, sweet and sincere. It stung seeing everything she had with her before and what she had lost but it lit something in her.

Maybe she hadn't lost it at all.

She examined the gift a little harder. It was a twenty pack but only half were filled with dates. A little folded piece of paper sat in the plastic bag packaging. Natalie unfolded it gently.

"I'm sorry I have to give this to you now. It was meant to be a gift for later if we lasted long enough to fill all of them up with our little dates. I wanted to give it to you as a farewell gift, maybe something you can keep since I heard you wanted to play guitar. I know you don't have a guitar right now, but it was a cute gift. -Love Lottie."

Natalie read it until the end, folding it backs up and placing it in the bag once more. Her world felt like it was caving in or maybe expanding. She couldn't tell.

That's when she realised, she forgot to text her back.

"Shit!" Natalie scrambled for her phone. Opening her message screen, she contemplated.

[LOTS:)] Can we talk Natalie?

Yeah, sure Lottie. Meet me at the library tomorrow at 3. [NATALIE]

_______________________

Lottie's phone pinged and she almost didn't check until she read the message notification.

(Nat <3 Texted you at 9:23)

Lottie practically jumped, having to take a few breaths in before opening it. She read the message over almost 3 ties before finally breathing a sigh of relief, like a weight had been lifted off her from the past month.

She texted Nat a thanks before holding the phone close to her chest like it was her saviour. That's when she heard the familiar sound of her father's office door close, a heavy hushed noise that silenced the house. It was as if that one door closing silenced the whole world around her.

"We need to do something about her." Her father's voice was strategic. Always icy and guarded.

"Who." The word didn't come out like a question, instead like a challenge.

"Your daughter. Emilia."

"She's fine here, Malcom."

"No, she's not. She's sicker than ever and won't" even leave her room."

"Then what do you want to suggest then Malcom." Lottie's mother knew the answer. To get her institutionalised.

"It'll help her Emilia. She'll be normal again."

"She was never normal and you know it."

"We can send her away. Just a few days, until she gets better."

"We're not going to send away our daughter and give up on her. What- How will that look on us."

"It worked well last time didn't it though? She was better."

"But it didn't work fully then. Because she's spiralling again."

"We send her there one week Emilia. Just one week. And if she's worse, we'll never send her back."

Emilia shook her head. "No, We- I, I can't."

"Just one week. One, and she'll be better."

Her mother gave a weak sigh, closing her eyes momentarily. The same sigh Lottie always heard when her mother took his side or was too tired to fight.

"One week. And we bring her back. No exceptions. No one will know."

"Agreed." Her father said, his tone still flat.

That's all Lottie wanted to hear, her parents were shipping her off to another asylum or who knows what. Before she knew it, she was already packing her stuff into a big overnight bag, crawling out of her window and down the gutter pipe Natalie already damaged last time. She didn't know where or who to run to.

Except.

No.

She was with Jackie right now, maybe even alone with her.

No.

Lottie didn't want to think about it.

That's when Shauna texted.

[SHAUNA]: At Jackie's right now, Nat is ranting about you and your dates.

That was all Lottie needed, not that she was angry at the thought Natalie might be in there with another girl. Well, maybe.

The sun was already long gone, and Lottie was alone walking towards Jackie's house when a car slowed down next to her.

A whistle could be heard through the still air of the night. "Dang hottie, can I take you home tonight?" Lottie didn't even look to see who it was; she kept walking. She wasn't interested in whatever shit was going on behind her. The car started to reverse backwards, following after her.

"Playing hard to get? Don't worry Ill soften you up." The guy retorted, laughing with a few mates.

Lottie kept walking.

"Your Mama ever taught you not to ignore people? I'm doing you a favour." He laughed out of the window, the car smelt of alcohol and weed.

"Come on, hop in. I'll give you a ride baby."

Lottie was walking faster now. The car followed.

"He's giving you a chance, take it hottie." His fried same from the passenger seat.

"Piss off." Lottie muttered under her breath. She was almost at Jackie's house, just a block away from her home.

The guy's stopped abruptly, Lottie thought they had finally left her alone until the sound of car doors opening and shutting filled her ears. She kept walking though her legs were screaming at her to run.

"Come on baby, let me make you-"

"Piss off." Lottie was firmer now, almost jogging now.

"Come ere'" He grabbed her arm tight, the drunk breath on her neck made her flinch.

"I'm being nice." His slurred words made her shiver.

"I'm not interested." Lottie said trying to pull away, but he didn't let go, his friend were started to walk towards her now.

One grabbed her shoulder pulling her around to look at them. Even though she was slightly taller, they didn't care. The one in the car reversed all the way back, reaching out of the window with his arm and grabbing her jaw, like he was inspecting her. She was almost at Jackie's door, but they stopped here right there.

"Your a pretty thing. Why don't you come with us?" The guy's voice was stronger now; their grips were tighter.

"I have somewhere to be." She said quickly trying to pull away. His hot breath caught on her jaw.

"I'll make you feel real special..." He said before being abruptly interrupted by a loud "HEY"

It was Natalie's voice. The guy turned to look first.

"Who the fuck are you?" Natalie was approaching the car quicker now.

"Her fucking girlfriend." Natalie hissed, putting a punch into his cheek, making her stumble back into his car, the rest of his friends retreated into the back seat.

"Fucking psyco!" One shouted, pulling the door shut.

"Don't come back you fucking dick!" Nat shouted louder now as the car sped off.

"FAG!" The last thing able to be heard before even the sound of their car was just white noise.

___________________

Lottie stood stunned next to Natalie, her breath fast and hard.

"That was hot." She managed to say, wiping the guy's spit from her chin.

"Does that mean I'm forgiven?" Natalie raised a brow.

"Maybe." Lottie mumbled, already smiling at Nat, the space between them shrinking.

"Alright- Get a room you two." Van waved her hand in front of her with fake annoyance, even though her face read otherwise.

"Says you!" Shauna rolled her eyes, before they all started laughing.

"Glad to see the love birds are back together." Taissa shrugged, taking another bite of the popcorn she had grabbed in her hand.

__________________________

Chapter Text

Nationals were in two days. They were leaving on a Friday and coming back a week later. On the Thursday the team went out for a drink, a party of some-sort to celebrate their near competitions, also because Lottie, Taissa, Van, Jackie, Shauna and Natalie were already at Jackie's house for a sleep over. Lottie suggested a small party at Jackie's house, Shauna leaned against the side of the couch besides the lazy Jackie who was sprawled out on the seat.

"Why don't we party as a team without any alcohol or weed this time...? With party games and fun times like we used to in middle school?" Taissa added, the midnight exhaustion dawning on everybody.

"That's boring." Jackie yawned rolling her eyes exaggeratedly.

"Come on. One party sober isn't going to kill you, Jackie." Van added, swirling the cup of Pepsi she was drinking.

"I mean, you were the one who said I had to be sober while I was here Jackie" Natalie shrugged, head resting on Lottie's lap.

"Oh, come on. What games would we even play? Truth or dare? That's the most boring thing I've ever heard." Lottie looked around the room, her innocent eyes gleaming in the moon light. Natalie couldn't stop herself from staring.

"What do you think Shauna?" Tai spoke snapping Shauna out of whatever daze she was in.

"Oh- Uh. I don't really care." She muttered.

"Fine then, it's settled! We'll all go sober for one night." Taissa stretched her arms above her head on the couch.

______________________

That night Jackie's house was bustling with people. If bustling meant 10 people in a house with no alcohol, then Jackie's house was as bustling as a New York city street. The party was more of a group hang out than a party, but they made it work. Van brought her board games and Jackie was organising some 20 questions game. That's when a loud crash noise could be heard from further down the street.

They were in the middle of Jackie's question game when it was Natalie's turn. As soon as she read her question and was about to answer, BANG. The loud noise spooked the girls, before the light flickered off.

"Holy shit." Mari said, looking around at everybody who were now almost invisible. 8:30 in the night wasn't the best time for all the lights to go out and everybody seemed to panic a little.

"Calm down everybody the fucking generator probably went out." Jackie shrugged, disappearing from the room probably going out to fix the generator.

"This is how every horror movie starts." Tai let out a small laugh, hearing Shauna follow Jackie somewhere over the rainbow.

"Shut up Tai." Natalie said rolling her eyes, not that anyone could see it.

That's when the sound of police cars and ambulance sirens filled the streets, painting the whole neighbourhood with red and blue lights.

"Oh my god." Melissa was already at the window looking to see what happened.

"What? did Jackie and Shauna die or something? Why are there police cars and ambulances swarming our street?"

"I don't know but it looks bad..." Mari stood next to Melissa peering out of the window.

Jackie and Shauna came back empty handed. "The generators fine. It's something external" Jackie muttered, already walking to her kitchen trying to find some candles or something to light the space up.

"Well, isn't this just exciting." Natalie mumbled, picking at the question paper in her hand.

"Why don't we tell scary stories or some shit." Taissa said, Mari nodding along.

Lottie rested on Natalie's shoulder. "Someone might have crashed into a power plant near here."

"Wait, yeah. Theres one down the street from here" Jackie nodded heading towards the door from the kitchen, looking outside to the dark night atmosphere, even the streetlights cut out.

Mari grabbed one of the candles Jackie had lit, holding the flame just under her chin like you would when you told some dumb scary story in middle school.

"I'll be right back! I'm just going to check it out." Jackie called from the door, already slipping her shoes on.

"Alright. More scary story time for me then." Mari scoffed, taking a deep inhale before starting her story.

That's when Natalie stood up, dragging Lottie up to the bathroom with her.

"Oh come on. At least let me start the damn story!" Mari shouted over her shoulder towards the fleeting pair. Laura Lee was doing some prayer in the hallway to the bathroom. Natalie almost started laughing before Lottie elbowed her hard.

"My bad, my bad." Natalie said dragging Lottie to the bathroom in pitch black darkness.

"Nat where are we going?"

"Bathroom."

"Together?" A crease formed between Lottie's eyebrows.

"No-!" Natalie turned around tugging Lottie into the bathroom and shutting the door behind them. A silence filled the room.

"Why are we in here Natalie?" Lottie tilted her head; Natalie could barely see her eyes.

"Just shut up." Natalie said, already closing the space between them.

"Are you finally going to kiss me?"

"Maybe." Finally, their lips met, and Natalie was already smiling into the kiss. Lottie grabbed the back of Nat's neck, pulling her closer, her other free hand pulling at her bleach blonde hair.

Natalie's chin was tilted up to kiss her, but she didn't really mind. The kiss was gentle, something sweet and genuine, different from the kissing Natalie was used to doing. "Take off your shirt." Natalie demanded, her voice split between heavy breathing.

"Someone's eager." Lottie was already grabbing at the hem of her shirt.

"Shut up."

"Are you seriously going to have sex with me at Jackie's place?" Lottie said, trying to hold back a smile. Natalie rolled her eyes.

"Matthews if you don't be quiet, I swear."

"Then shut me up yourself." Lottie said quickly in response, kissing her again with more force this time.

"Matthews you're such a pain in my ass." Natalie said pulling away for just a moment, before finally taking off her pants.

"At least I'm a pain in your ass, and not someone else's."

"Fuck off." Natalie gave a weak chuckle.

Lottie was ready to fuck her senseless and for once, Natalie didn't feel used with Lottie. She felt loved and cherished, instead of used and discarded. She wanted to spend everything with Lottie, loose everything with Lottie and at this moment Lottie had never looked so beautiful in the dark.

"You don't know how long I've waited for this." Lottie muttered through kisses.

The darkness lasted longer than it really was when Lottie was with Natalie.

"You look so beautiful in the dark you know."

"Shut up and let me kiss you, Natalie."

_________________________________

The power came back on just as Natalie was sat next to Lottie on the side of the bathtub, Lottie's lip-gloss smudged all the way to her jaw. Natalie's jeans were unzipped, and they looked like a mess. A happy mess at least.

They were giggling at something when Mari walked in.

"You both can go fuck each other somewhere else, I need to piss."

Lottie laughed a little harder. When they returned to the group they looked like they were glowing, or maybe it was the fact the lights were back on.

Everyone was there except Mari who was in the bathroom, Shauna and Jackie. Lottie tiled her head.

"Where's Jackie and Shauna?"

"Probably upstairs grabbing more snacks." Melissa shrugged, drinking the rest of the Pepsi straight out of the bottle.

"Great." Natalie said, sitting back down next to Lottie.

________________________________________

The day of the nationals came, and Natalie was just now packing for the trip. She stuffed her things into a big bag that didn't resemble any sort of suitcase but it fit everything just fine.

She rolled her shirts up into tight rolls before zipping everything up. She didn't bring much, just some clothing, her toothbrush and toothpaste, and some music for the plane ride. That's when someone honked their car horn outside her house.

Natalie knew who it was.

It was Lottie who was there to pick her up.

Lottie was wearing a simple hoodie and baggy sweatpants that Natalie would swear looked twice her height. Lottie greeted her, a fresh layer of honey lip-gloss applied on her lips. When Natalie got in the car it smelled like lavender, lemongrass and cinnamon sticks. Somehow Lottie's car almost smelled like safety.

"Ready for nationals Nat?" Lottie said, fixing her makeup in the mirror in front of her.

"Mhm." Natalie muttered staring out the window, headphones already atop her ears.

The drive there was silent but not awkward, it was never awkward with Lottie unless one of them had something to hide. Lottie puckered her lips one last time before shutting the mirror closed.

"So... Have you decided if you want to sit with me during the plane ride?" Lottie twirled a piece of her hair with her free hand; eyes still kept on the road.

"Hm?" Natalie didn't hear her.

"Are you teasing me, or are you just deaf." Lottie scoffed.

"Second option." Natalie said pulling one said of her headphones off to reveal her ear.

"Do. You. Want. To. Sit. With. Me... On the plane." Lottie paused between every word, before speeding through the last bit.

"Sure" Natalie shrugged, pulling her headphones back on but before the headphones could reach her ears, Lottie grabbed them, pulling them off.

"Heads up!" Lottie was holding the headphones hostage.

"Hey!" Natalie swatted at Lottie, who was holding her headphones up in the air with her one hand. Still Nat struggled in the seat of a car; the seat belt practically locked her in.

"You can listen to your emo music on the plane. For now, you have to bear socialising with your girlfriend."

Natalie groaned sarcastically like it was the hardest chore of her life.

"So. How was your week Nat?" Lottie hummed, a sweet melody that was constantly engraved in Natalie's ears more than the grunge music she listened to.

"Not bad considering I got to hang out with everyone for practically the whole week."

Lottie nodded slowly, pulling into the school parking lot. It was so early that no cars were even parked there.

"Where's your car going to stay for when we're gone?" Natalie tilted her head.

"The maid's going to retrieve it from here while we're gone and bring it back when we're back."

Natalie rolled her eyes playfully. "I forgot Charlotte Matthews was a queen."

"Wow, we're bringing out government names now?" Lottie raised a brow, unbuckling her seatbelt.

"Mhm hm." Natalie nodded a smile playing on her lips.

"Great to know, Natalie Scatorccio." Lottie raised her eyebrows in a triumphant grin.

"Oh, shut up." Natalie groaned.

Natalie kissed her quickly, before leaving the car. Her lips coated in that familiar lip-gloss.

"Jesus Lottie, how much lip-gloss do you use."

"Just enough so that you can taste what brand I use."

"You're so weird Lots." Natalie looked away, trying to spot the rest of the team who was huddled on the field.

"I wonder how much lip-gloss I've lost kissing you..." Lottie tilted her head with a pondering look on her face that made Natalie fold.

"Shut up!" Natalie pushed her gently.

"I'm just wondering!" Lottie shrugged, trailing behind Natalie.

"And just so you know, you taste like honey."

"Am I as sweet as honey?" Lottie tested, that same pondering look crossing her face.

Natalie pushed her again. "Don't be sappy."

_____________________________________

As they made it to the field, they were the 2nd last to get there of course Van and Taissa were late. Coach Martinez was already marking off the roll.

Natalie was picking at the grass in front of her, pulling strands out of the dirt. She hated coach Martinez, not because he was Travis's dad (Maybe a little), but because he was a sexist and homophobic piece of shit. He made Taissa sit out because she complained her finger hurt to Laura Lee. He told her to 'stop being hysterical' and told her to sit out if she as a woman was so 'delicate.' But with the boys' team, none of them are benched, even when they have extra players they tag along in drills or just join a team.

Bullshit.

Not only that, but Travis would also be coming on the trip with them. In the boys' team area, but still. They would be on the same trip for a week and not to be dramatic, but Natalie didn't like Travis. Not after he called her a dyke for leaving him for Lottie, which is stupid, because Lottie beats him in every way.

While Natalie was dozing off Coach slammed his clipboard shut, making people jump a little. "Scatorccio, you better not have brought any contraband. Or I'll send you right back home now. That goes for all of you girls."

Natalie rolled her eyes.

"And you better not be messing around in the dorms. I doubt you'll be inviting the boys into your dorms... But the rule still stands. 9pm lights out. No exceptions. And no funny business on this trip. Got it girls?"

Everybody either gave a weak nod or a mumbled yes. Mari actually laughed.

Van and Taissa had finally showed up in the parking lot. They took the bus, no wonder they were so late.

Coach instructed the girls into a bus that seemed way to big for only 20 people. "Damn Lottie, your rich, rich."

Lottie just smiled, letting Natalie go first into the window seat. Travis eyed them the whole time, not that Natalie cared though.

________________________________________

To be continued....

Chapter Text

Lottie and Natalie sat in silence for most of the bus ride there, sitting near the front of the bus swaying quietly with the sharp turns. Natalie fell asleep for half of the ride there, leaned against the window.

Natalie was dating Lottie, but till her walls were so high. She never dared to even hold Lottie's hand out in public or even be seen with her in public. She wasn't embarrassed of Lottie-

It was that she was afraid that Lottie was embarrassed of her.

Maybe if Natalie was too clingy, too dependent, too soft, Lottie would leave and run far away. She had so many people run away from her, Travis, Kevyn, Her Mother. They were still in her life, just never present in her life.

The only person who never dared to run was her father, and to be honest, she didn't know whether to appreciate it or be afraid by it. Sometimes she wished he had run. Maybe than he wouldn't have killed him.

Kill

The word was heavy in the stilling air of the bus. She didn't murder him... But his blood was on her hands. And on the outside of her trailer. To be honest, Natalie looked like he was about to cry, that frozen and empty look she had when she was thinking too hard about something she shouldn't be.

"You alright Nat?" Lottie tilted her head, a concerned look plastering her face. God, Natalie hated how much Lottie cared.

"I'm good." Natalie said with a small nod, turning her music a little louder. She knew Lottie, and Lottie never bought 'I'm fine' but to Natalie's surprise, she dropped it.

Natalie wanted her to ask, to bother her. Maybe so that she had an excuse to snap at her, it felt so horrible admitting it out loud in her head.

Lottie nodded quietly, sinking back into her chair, listening to her own music she had packed.

Natalie had noticed how Lottie was quieter now, a little distant. Not distant from just her though, she seemed distant from everything, even herself. She never asked, never wanted to ask.

What if she asked and Lottie laid everything on her, what if it was her fault? What if that one question would break what they had formed. Natalie stayed away from questioning out loud, just in her head. Her head was always loud.

-

But what if she didn't ask. What if Lottie was suffering and Natalie couldn't even notice. What if it was her fault. Natalie took a deep breath in. Something a councillor told her to do when Lottie signed them up for group therapy.

"Are you okay Lottie?" Natalie's voice was quiet, a small mutter she already regretted before Lottie could answer.

"Hm?" Lottie turned to look at Natalie.

"Nothing. It was a stupid question. Forget it."

"It's not a stupid question; you're worrying about me. It's cute."

"I'm fine, Natalie." Lottie gave a small smile.

"So, you did hear the question."

"Why?" Lottie tilted her head.

"Why what?"

"Why did you ask so suddenly? Were you thinking again?"

"You just seem a little quiet and withdrawn." Natalie chewed on the skin of her lip.

Lottie nodded, the smile she gave didn't reach her eyes.

"Just busy these past days, that's all." Lottie said, grabbing her bag to find the book she wanted to read.

The truth is, Lottie didn't trust Natalie. It felt like she was walking on eggshells and glass around her. She was so scared that if she spoke something wrong, if she pushed, Natalie would snap and spiral. It was always like this with Nat.

It was what she got herself into.

Maybe she regretted it.

Sometimes she just wondered, why won't Natalie let her love her without all those walls. Lottie can always tell when Nat is hiding something, or when she's upset or anxious. It's what Lottie tends to notice. But Natalie, she puts up so many walls she can barely speak to her without anxiety she might make her crack again.

She knows Nat is going through a lot and she feels guilty and selfish for feeling this way but what was she supposed to do, talk to her and risk making her spiral? Then she'll feel worse.

Natalie yawned, looking out of the window to see the airport control tower in the distance.

"We're almost at the airport." Natalie said, leaning against Lottie's shoulder.

Lottie felt cold, she didn't respond.

___________________

When they arrived at the Airport, everybody filed out of the bus, Coach Scott giving everybody a head count. Travis was waiting near the front of the bus, inside the aisle. Lottie was struggling with her luggage under her seat.

A pill bottle rolled out from an open pocket in her bag. It rolled over to Travis who was already whispering something to his father.

He picked it up.

Antipsychotics.

"What the fuck..." Travis muttered under his breath; the orange pill case held in his palm as he examined it. He shoved them in his pocket.

Lottie finished grabbing her bag, following Natalie out of the bus. Travis stopped Natalie.

"Piss off." Natalie hissed, already walking faster, trying to catch up with the girls' soccer team who was at the front of the rough line they were in.

"Woah... I didn't even say anything yet." Travis raised his hands in a mock surrender.

"Well, I don't want to hear your bullshit."

"Calm down princess, not my fault your mad." He shrugged, his pocket rattling as he walked.

That's when a loomed figure stood behind him.

"What did you say?" Lottie titled her head.

"Nothing." Travis gave a weak scoff, lips curling in annoyance.

"Repeat it." Lottie's voice was firmer now.

Travis looked away. "It's none of your business. I didn't say shit, maybe you were hallucinating schizo."

Lottie froze. Literally, she stopped walking completely.

Travis didn't notice, he kept walking. Natalie paused.

"Girls... Always so dramatic." Travis rolled his eyes. Lottie didn't move.

She swallowed hard, no one knew about her 'weird disappearances' over the school year. All because of her broken mind. How could Travis know? How did he find out. I was so careful.

Lottie's mind was literally swirling in real time, the scene in front of her was literally warping. It was a hallucination, probably stress induced but it seemed so real.

"You weren't careful enough..." A voice muttered, it sounded so close to her ear, it made her jump.

It felt like her skin was being pinched and pulled in every which way, even though she was perfectly still. Her mouth filled with that rotten taste she couldn't describe another hallucination.

Meds.

She didn't take her meds.

She dropped her smaller duffle bag rummaging through it, the soccer team was now staring, Natalie was calling at Lottie to hurry up and asking what was going on. Lottie couldn't tell if it was real or a hallucination.

She rummaged through her bag so quickly her clothes were on the pavement outside the airport.

"Lottie, what's going on? Did you forget something?" Natalie was pulling at her wrist. Lottie didn't move. She froze.

"Meds..." Her voice was as low as a whisper; Natalie almost didn't catch it.

"I need my meds." Lottie was now dizzy; she felt some sort of wind against her arms and legs even though the trees were completely still.

"Meds? What meds Lottie." Natalie grabbed at Lottie's bag, letting go of her wrist.

"My meds Natalie. My antipsychotics."

"Antipsychotics?! Lottie, I've never even heard you talk about your shopping trips, I didn't even know you needed Meds." Natalie looked panicked.

"I couldn't have forgotten them."

Coach Martinez was marching over now. Travis waved his hand.

"You mean these?" Travis revealed the orange pill case full of blue and white pills. Lottie's eyes grew wide. Before she could speak, Natalie was already snatching them from his grip, shoving a pill into Lottie's mouth, making her swallow it dry.

Her world was still spinning, but it calmed down after about 5 mins. Coach Martinez was standing over Lottie and Natalie with an expression that could kill.

"Do you know how much time you have wasted? Our plane comes in 45 mins, and we still need to get inside, go through booking, and security. One more slip up and your off the damn team. Both of you!"

Lottie gave a weak laugh that made Coach Martinez's face glow redder in rage. "My family's private plane won't leave without me. If you're so eager to kick me off, why don't I call of the plane right here?"

Coach gritted his teeth, walking back to the front of the now blob of students. Lottie was trying to pack her stuff up, before being helped up by Natalie.

_________________________

Security was boring as always; Lottie's bag being flagged about 9 times in total. Natalie didn't know what the hell Lottie had in there, probably some major contraband.

Her head was loud with doubts though. Why was Lottie on antipsychotics, why didn't she tell her, was it related to me, was it the fight they had, maybe she was depressed, maybe that was why she was so quiet.

The walk to and through security was mostly silent the only sound heard was the quiet chatter of the airport and some sexist slop coming from the boys' team. Coach Martinez never corrected any of them for anything, Coach Scott did though, he was like the fun coach.

Natalie thought about asking Lottie about the meds, but what if it's personal, or if she gets offended.

Lottie seemed... shaken, like she was hiding something she didn't want to.

Natalie hesitated to ask if she was okay. She seemed like she didn't want to be bothered. The 2 teams sat in the boarding area, waiting for the plane to be ready for boarding, Travis looked annoyed. Natalie didn't know why she kept looking towards Travis. Lottie was sitting next to her, looking like she wanted to die.

"Private Flight 301, please make your way to terminal 6. I repeat, Private Flight 301, please make your way to terminal 6."

Lottie's leg was shaking a little more every second she was sat there, her mind looked busy.

When boarding was called, not like anyone else was at the terminal anyways, it was a private flight. Lottie stood up quickly. Too quickly.

Walking towards the entrance of the plane, suitcase trailing behind her. Natalie followed after her quietly, hoping Lottie would turn around and explain the pills, the shakiness, the hurry to leave. But nothing happened.

____________________________________

When they boarded the plane, Lottie went in first, her hands clenched too tight, her legs pressed together too neatly. Natalie walked pasted the pair of chairs she was sitting at, the tension seemed high around her, and to be honest, seeing Lottie like this scared her. She walked over to where Misty was sitting, God she hated Misty.

It was better than sitting next to silent, scary Lottie. Part of her regretted sitting next to Misty, occasionally she'd look back at Lottie to see her blank stare off into the seat in front of her. No one offered to sit next to her.

Misty was going off about how we shouldn't be drinking or taking anything on the trip, and the side effects of drugs and weed during soccer gameplay.

Her mind was humming with a sweet melody. Lottie's melody.

Lottie, Lottie, Lottie.

Her mouth tasted like Honey. Lottie's lip-gloss.

Lottie, Lottie, Lottie.

Fuck.

She was so blindly hurt and in love, she had never even thought about Lottie. How Lottie never opened up about anything, how her parents were never home, how she looked when someone mentioned having a birthday or Christmas. The longing look in her eyes, when she needed something who wouldn't admit.

God, she was so caught up in Lottie's lust she didn't even see Lottie.

Fuck, what a selfish prick she was.

She shook her head quickly. Misty tilted her head.

"You don't agree that drugs can affect playing in soccer?"

Natalie quickly raised her hands out in front of her. "No- Uh. Shit, sorry. Forget about that, I was thinking about stuff."

Lottie, Lottie, Lottie.

Now when Natalie apologies she always means it, just like how Lottie did. When Laura Lee asks them to pray, she repeats after her in 'Amen' Just like Lottie did. When she took pills or drank, she regretted it completely just like Lottie.

She was being just like Lottie, maybe a change for the worse, or better, but Natalie didn't care. Maybe she never cared about Lottie.

That's when she closed her eyes, just for a moment.

-

When she had opened her eyes, Laura Lee was sat next to Lottie, talking to her about something holiday related. Christmas spirit was in the air, and the weather was getting colder. Lottie never spoke about Christmas, not around anyone really. There she was laughing at something Laura Lee had said.

Fuck.

Misty tilted her head. "Are you okay Natalie? You look quite pale. I mean, You're always pale... But."

Natalie took a deep breath in before cutting her off. "Misty, I really do not give two shits."

Misty gave a long sigh before sinking back into her chair.

Before Natalie knew it, she was drifted off to Lottie's laughs and giggles.

________________________________

Lottie was sat quietly next to Laura Lee. The side effects of the meds were starting to kick in. Her mouth felt dry and chalky, and she felt alert and unable to sleep. She swallowed hard.

She blinked a few times trying to shoo away the blurred sight she was experiencing. Laura Lee was already asleep on her shoulder. Lottie was too dazed to push her off, she didn't want to be rude either. She was getting tired, but her body didn't let her rest. Her hands were getting jittery, she felt numb.

That's when Lottie finally knocked out, to her it didn't feel like a rest it felt like she had passed out or something. Laura Lee was muttering something under her breath, probably a prayer for when they get there. While Lottie was 'asleep' she could hear everything, feel everything, like she was hyper-aware, but she was trapped in her body.

She didn't feel like Lottie when she took her meds, she always hid it though, with extra lip-gloss or buffed smiles that couldn't reach her eyes, no one noticed though. Maybe they did but didn't ask, whatever they did it made taking her meds a more of a chore every time. She was doing so well without her meds, until-

Well.

Until she got back with Natalie.

Natalie wasn't.

Wasn't the cause of it.

The stress, the anxiety, the fear, the frustration, the dependence on meds.

It couldn't be.

Could it?

__________________________________________

Author note:

Haven't done an author's note in a hot second but eek, I've been writing this fanfic for like a month and it's gotten to 300 hits. Woohoo! Celebration! Let's try and get to 500, I really hope you all are enjoying the fanfic, and enjoy the writing. If you read this, have a great day/night and keep ready angsty fanfics! Let your nature be known... You dirty angst GL fanfic reader...

Chapter Text

When she shot awake, Jackie was stood atop of her, shaking her awake.

"Lottie! Wake the fuck up!"

Lottie didn't look like she slept for 4 hours. it looked like she was wide awake the whole time.

"Oh- Shoot. Sorry Jackie." Lottie muttered, rubbing her eyes.

"Jeez Lottie, you were asleep the whole ride."

Lottie nodded, grabbing her things. Jackie walked out of the plane, waiting for Lottie to follow her, Natalie was gone from the plane already. They were at some luxury hotel's private jet airport.

"Lottie! Hurry up!" Jackie called out, noises of suitcases rolling against pavement filled her ears.

"Coming. I'm coming." Lottie muttered still drowsy.

Lottie stepped out of the plane, her suitcase trailing behind her. Her arms felt like Jello, she was walking faster towards Natalie.

"Hey, Nat can we-" Lottie reached her hand out.

"No, Lottie. Not now, I'm stressed, busy, tired and fucking jet lagged. My brain is broken."

"Oh. Alright." Lottie muttered giving a short sigh, exhaling air she didn't know she was holding.

"Shit. Uh, we can talk at the dorm."

Lottie nodded. She always nodded, nodded when she didn't have a response, nodded when she was upset, nodded when she didn't feel like speaking but never nodded when it was something important, or exciting. She always nodded when she was sent away by her parents, which was maybe once every year. It took ages to convince them not to keep sending her back, and it worked for 3 years. Until...

...

Lottie didn't want to think about it. All the pain she suffered in those institutions, the way they held her down with straps that felt too tight, or the way they shoved pills and needles into her, or the way the rooms always felt cold and quiet, the way she was fine until this year. It was always a private place, never with anyone else.

Her parents didn't want their 'perfect image' destroyed by their broken daughter. So, they always sent her away when she got bad.

Natalie's face read guilty, it was guilty as always, the look she gave when she knows she said something wrong, or she did something wrong. It always flashed across her face when she made a mistake, before being replaced with remorse or fear. Lottie noticed how her eyes widened when she accidently broke a vase at her house. It was like second nature.

But Lottie's Lottie. And Lottie didn't push. She was always that vent friend, or that huggable friend, or they 'Can I borrow this?' friend, never a hangout friend, or an interesting friend. She was just there when people needed her, and not when people didn't.

When they all entered the hotel, it was 11 am, check-in was at 2 pm, but Lottie's dad always paid for early check in.

"Hey, Lottie do you want to room together?" Laura Lee gave Lottie an innocent look.

"I, Um." Lottie muttered, the sun way much too bright, it burned her eyes.

"Sure." Lottie nodded, a small smile plastered on her face, a smile that didn't reach her eyes. She glanced back at Natalie a few times, but she was busy walking and talking with Van.

"Great! I'm in room 235! See you there!" Laura Lee clapped her hands together excitedly. Shoot. What would she say if Natalie asked?

____________________________________

The first day they got there, they had an opening dinner with all the other teams, to get to know each other as a person, and to get to know each other as a rival. Lottie was smearing on a new layer of lip stick, complementing her red dress.

Lottie was fixing her hair in the mirror, having to bend down to see herself in it, while Natalie stood at the door. Fuck, Lottie was hot in red.

The dress she was wearing was tight and had a long slit near her leg, and her heels made her look like 10x taller. Natalie was leaning against the door frame, staring.

"You know it's not so nice to stare Nat"

Natalie turned bright red.

"I'm joking with you; how do I look?" Lottie did a small turn, the dress and her caramel skin reflecting in the dawning sun.

"Damn, since when did you dress all fancy?" Natalie had her hands stashed in her jacket pockets, lazily lighting a cig.

"Since forever." Lottie let out a low hum, quietly fixing up her outfit and makeup.

"Nat, I don't think we can smoke in here." The quiet sizzle of cigarettes filled the air, as smoke raised slow and steady dangerously close to the smoke alarm.

"Look at me, do you think I look like someone who gives a shit about smoking rules?"

Lottie shrugged and nodded quietly. Something in the way Lottie stood made her look a slight tense. Natalie didn't bother asking though, Lottie always looked a little tensed in the shoulders, especially when she thought too hard.

Sometimes, Lottie wished Natalie would ask. Even if she would never tell her, or anyone. It was the thought that counted.

"Ready to go?" Natalie finally rose from the door frame, seeing as Lottie was heading to the door.

"Yep." Lottie's voice was tinged with a slight nervousness.

"Nat- You said we would talk at the hotel room, but we never got to it."

"Maybe because you roomed with Laura Lee." Natalie's voice was sharper than intended.

"Is that why you didn't want to talk to me yesterday at the dinner?" Lottie's eyebrow caught.

"What do you think Lottie." Natalie's words were cold now, rolling her eyes slightly when Lottie tried to look at her.

"Look, I'm sorry Nat, she asked and I was dazed by-"

Lottie paused.

"It's fine. Forget about it."

Lottie nodded quietly.

_____________________________

When they got to the opening dinner, everybody was in fancy dresses and suits, even the coached were dressed up. Lottie stepped into the room faster than Natalie could. Her strides were quick, and her breaths seemed deeper.

Before Natalie noticed, Lottie disappeared in the crowd of people. She gave a weak sigh, before walking in straight to some other junkies who were holding contraband that Natalie wanted. She exchanged weak hellos and intro's before she was downing a flask of vodka. Travis was staring from a corner.

"So, what's your name?" A girl asked, tilting her head.

"Natalie." She said, already reaching for another flask.

"You drink hard, break up?" Another girl handed her cup over.

Natalie just nodded, she needed the alcohol after weeks of sobering.

They talked for about 30 mins before Nat was feeling it. Travis walked over, placing a hand over her shoulder.

"Hey ladies. See you found my girlfriend, I'll take her from here. Thanks." Travis was walking off with drunken Natalie before the girls could say anything. Natalie was too wasted to see straight.

"Lottie?" She muttered and mumbled, a flash of Travis's face looked Lottie like while wasted.

Travis was silent.

There was Lottie who was talking with some other girl she must have made friends with. Though the girl was swirling her drink and looking at Lottie too hard to be platonic. Lottie smiled politely, glancing over to where Travis was, not seeing slumped over Natalie next to him.

"Lottie?" Natalie called out quietly, a slurred muttered voice.

Lottie didn't turn.

Travis was already taking her to some room where he could insult her or shout at her in quiet solitude.

"Travis?" Natalie looked up at Travis's face full of anger.

"You're not Lottie." Natalie stammered, her voice a small whisper.

"Goddamn right I'm not." Travis spat, taking a harder grip in her wrist. But instead of going to the room her was heading to, her circled back to where Lottie was standing.

Natalie's vision was fading slightly. Everything was seeming to go black.

Lottie finally turned to look at Natalie was practically almost on the floor, Travis holding her up by an arm.

"What the fuck." The girl behind Lottie muttered, already backing up with her drink.

"Take your fucking girlfriend, she's wasted." Travis practically flung Natalie forwards to Lottie.

"Wasn't she going sober?" Lottie said, grabbing her by the arm, gentle this time.

"I don't fucking know, and I don't care." Travis was already walking away; lips pressed together in an annoyed snarl.

"Natalie." Lottie shook her slightly.

"Lottie?" Natalie titled her head.

"What the hell are you doing drinking again?" Lottie let go Natalie's arm, letting her stand for herself.

Natalie felt like she was spinning.

"You told me you were going sober." Lottie pushed Natalie on the shoulder, making her stumble back a bit.

"I'm not a baby Lottie; I can handle a few drinks."

"At a welcoming dinner?!" Lottie was grabbing at Natalie's shoulder holding her steady.

"I can take care of myself." Natalie hissed, pulling away from her.

"Well, It seemed like you can't because, you're drinking again. Where did you even find alcohol?!" Lottie was scolding her harshly now, already dragging her to the door to leave. Halfway to the door Natalie just stopped moving. Lottie was trying to drag her out.

"You were talking to someone else." Natalie muttered, not even looking at Lottie.

"What are you talking about Natalie? Let's go."

"The girl, she was looking at you."

"Natalie, a lot of people look at me. It's nothing."

"No, she was flirting and you saw it." Natalie was walking slowly now.

"Nat. It was nothing. I didn't make her flirt with me."

"But you didn't stop her." Natalie was trembling a little now.

"And you were with Travis. I never complained." Lottie was still dragging her out, through the sea of people.

"That's different. He dragged me away, and he brought me back to you."

"Fine." Lottie shrugged, pulling Natalie to her own hotel room.

"Why are you mad?" Natalie pushed her off of her."

"Because you don't talk to me Natalie!" Lottie shut the door behind her.

"You always think about yourself, and it's exhausting!"

"I feel like I'm walking on glass when I talk to you. I 'm scared you'll push me away and spiral!"

Natalie stood frozen in the centre of the room, wasted and drunk, it felt like everything was shrinking in on her.

"Why can't I just love you, Natalie? Why do you have to make things so complicated."

"So, you don't love me."

"Fuck. Natalie That's not what I said."

"That's what I heard."

"Why do you do this Natalie? You block everything out and never listen for once!"

Lottie was practically shouting now, which Lottie never did.

"That's not fair Lottie, I'm struggling Lottie and you know it."

"No. This isn't fair Nat. We're all struggling. I'm struggling so much, and you don't even care to ask."

"I wanted to help you, I supported you, I was always there. But you just lock me out."

"I'm trying to make this work Lot."

"You're you trying to make this work? I've been the one doing this for ages, even when you ignored me, used me and spiralled. I was the one there trying to help us."

"Then maybe Us never fucking worked then."

"That's not what I said." Lottie's voice grew lower.

"That's what you implied."

"If you're some goddamn saviour! Then go save someone else. I'm fucking done." Natalie was already opening the door and walking out.

"Natalie. I'm not finished."

"I don't give two shits if you're finished. We're done."

Natalie walked out and slammed the door.

Lottie was left in a deafening silence she couldn't fill.

-

That night, Lottie cried, cried so much her eyes were sore. She didn't let anyone in her room. Not even Laura Lee who was supposedly rooming with her.

She had to room with not so happy Shauna and Jackie.

While Natalie practically threw herself into Van and Taissa's room, curled up in a ball of blankets.

"You know Nat, we have a match tomorrow, maybe sitting here for the whole day and sulking isn't the best idea."

"I don't care." Natalie muttered, her voice muffled by the blankets.

"You took all the blankets last night. Me and Van had to share one."

"Bet you two enjoyed that." Natalie didn't seem so happy about the 3 hours sleep she had gotten.

"Why don't we go out for breakfast?" Van was tugging at Natalie's arm; Taissa leaned against the headboard of the bed reading a book she had brought.

"Not happening."

"Come on... It'll be fun!" Van was pulling harder trying to get Natalie off the bed.

"Piss off" Natalie snarled.

"Ok, ok. Don't say I didn't warn you." Van rolled her eyes, grabbing a coat to chuck on.

"Matches are in 2 hours." Tai nodded, grabbing her things to leave.

"Piss off." Natalie repeated, already sinking into her bed.

The hangover was hitting hard and now that she sobered up, all she felt was empty. She wished she could wake up in the morning and see Lottie right next to her as if it was all a sick nightmare. She couldn't even remember half of it, all she did remember though is Travis, dragging her away and Lottie shouting at her. Not something she was keen to remember at 8 in the morning.

The match was starting in 2 hours, and she had to get out of bed, into the pitch and play against some team that was probably better than them by a mile. Not to mention the disgust on Lottie's face she always made when something that hurt her found her.

___________________________________________

The match was simple, currently it was tied and Nat was sitting on the benches complaining about an imaginary ankle injury.

"Natalie! You're on!" Coach called out behind him to where she was sitting.

"Melissa! You're off."

Natalie groaned, walking onto the pitch, she could see the way Lottie looked at her. Not the way she expected though, Lottie looked disappointed. Like she could see right through Nat which is what made her shiver.

"Lottie. Stay as right wing and keep the ball to the edges where you can pass to Jackie, who will then score us a perfect point. Got it?"

Lottie nodded. Didn't say much today, maybe because she was tired or too messy.

The whistle blew and they were all running to the ball. Natalie was stuck in left defence while they were getting crushed by girls who were practically 3 times stronger than them.

"SCATORCCIO! FOCUS! EYES ON THE BALL!" Coach screamed onto the field, as a girl tried juking past her.

"Shit-" She muttered, trying to grab the ball from between her legs.

That's when the girl grabbed the collar of Natalie's polo, choking her backwards, making her fall onto the grass coughing violently.

"Fuck!" Natalie pulled at her collar, watching the ball make it towards the net she stumbled up and forward to get control of the ball. She grabbed at the girl's shirt, finally gathering the ball, about to kick it forwards to Shauna.

That's when the girl stuck her foot out in front of Natalie before she could run forward and kick, causing her to go flying forward. She caught herself on the grassy floor, rolling across the pitch with a painful groan.

Coach was screeching about guarding and penalties to the referee. Natalie was on the floor with her leg red and bruised, the girl running forward with the ball. Van was busy focusing on what was going on, she didn't notice the ball come flying into the goal.

"YES!" The girl ran back to her team, celebrating wildly.

Jackie came running towards Natalie. "Fuck, that looks bad... Are you good?"

Natalie was groaning in pain. "Does it look like I'm good?!"

Lottie was starting to walk over. Natalie remembered the first time she was injured on pitch; Lottie came running with an ice pack, and care in her fingertips. This time her eyes seemed detached, and her gaze felt empty.

Jackie helped Natalie up onto her shoulder, helping her back to the bench where coach was screaming about defence and stronger players.

"Are you stupid Natalie?! You cost us a point because you were daydreaming into goddamn La La Land!"

Natalie sat with her injured let to her chest, staring out to the pitch where everyone was standing.

"I'm sorry." She muttered, she felt like she could cry, but her eyes felt dry and numb.

"That's not goddamn good enough! Our first match of today and you can't even play for the life of you!"

"She said she's sorry." Lottie butted in, making Coach step back slightly.

"Do better." Coach hissed, signalling to the ref they were ready.

"Thanks-" Natalie's heart filled with the hunger of hope.

Lottie didn't respond, she walked to the field without a word.

It hurt seeing Lottie not want to even look at her. The burning guilt of what happened ate at her, it gnawed at her tongue, it bit at her heart, and it clawed at her throat. It felt suffocating. It'll all the better soon, it always did. But this time Lottie didn't want it to be fixed, and Natalie didn't know what to do.

Chapter Text

The match finished. They lost by 1 and they all were all mad at each other for loosing. There was one more match tomorrow, which will determine whether they go home or not.

Lottie was already walking out of the change rooms, and through the field. Natalie followed.

"Lottie- Can I-"

"Nat. I want to be alone."

"I just want to talk-"

"I need some time."

"How long?" Natalie's eyes were full of hurt.

"I don't know." Lottie didn't look at her.

Natalie swallowed hard.

Natalie felt like she couldn't breathe.

___________________________________________

It was approaching lunch time and the whole team went for an anti-celebration meal. Lottie couldn't go and Natalie wanted to drown in the hotel pool downstairs.

She picked up her phone, messaging someone she never wanted to again. But she was sober, desperate and missing Lottie horribly.

Travis.

I mean, he looks similar enough.

Hey, this is going to seem weird. [NATALIE]

But can you head over to the hotel pool with me? [NATALIE]

Travis is typing...

Natalie didn't know she'd be texting her ex at 12:00 but it didn't matter. Lottie refused to even look at her, she needed something to do, and Travis always had weed.

[TRAVIS] Sure.

Natalie took a deep breath in. Fuck.

She didn't even have a swimsuit.

______________________________________

THE POOL

Natalie sat, her feet tapping into the pool water, leaning over the edge a bit. She didn't speak.

Travis just watched her like she was a goddess or something.

"Are you just going to sit there or are you going to take a swim."

Natalie rolled her eyes.

"Unfortunately, I don't have a swimsuit. So, unless you want to see me in a bra, there's no way I'm swimming."

"Wow. Direct with it."

"Fuck off."

Natalie walked to the toilets to change. Travis followed after her.

"Why are you following me- Perv." She gave a weak laugh that didn't sound happy.

"Sorry. Thought you needed company."

"I'm getting changed." Natalie spoke, a little sharper than intended.

"Jeez. You were the one inviting me here."

"Shut up." Natalie gave a weak smile, but it didn't reach her eyes.

"Ok... Feisty." Travis chuckled, grabbing a few towels from the rack.

"Come here." Natalie opened the family change room stall for him.

Travis tilted his head.

"Help me take my shirt off." Natalie was already walking in.

"Damn okay."

Travis was helping Natalie, take off her shirt. That was it. Nothing serious.

But Travis's hands under her shirt felt wrong. The way his hands cupped her hips made her shiver. His fingers tracing circles on her skin felt reused.

She felt reused. Even though Travis was practically fawning over her, it felt forced. She didn't want Travis.

She wanted Lottie.

Even when Travis fucked her senseless, the picture of Lottie in her mind never faltered.

When Travis kissed her, the taste of Lottie's lip-gloss lingered, on her tongue.

The taste of Lottie never left her mouth. Travis wasn't Lottie. And she wanted it to be Lottie so bad.

-

Lottie was at the lunch with Van, Tai, Shauna and Jackie. Mari was sort of sick, so she didn't come.

"Lottie, what happened with Natalie? She cheated or something?" Jackie tilted her head, pointing at her with her fork.

Lottie didn't respond.

"Probably sucking off a new guy." Shauna added, a quiet mutter.

Lottie didn't speak.

A text pinged on her phone.

[MARI] Hey Lottie. This might sound crazy, but I swear I heard Travis and Natalie walking down the hall outside my room.

Lottie read it. Read it twice, three times, four times and it looked like something broke in her eyes. Of course. Natalie broke it off, she could fuck who ever she wanted.

But maybe that day at the party. Travis dragging her over, her being wasted, immediately breaking it off.

No.

She trusted Natalie.

She wouldn't do that.

Lottie didn't care who Natalie dick rode. It was none of her business. But she refused to talk to her. And it stung because she was probably fucking Travis downstairs, trying not to think of her.

Maybe if she talked to her, she wouldn't be having sex with Travis.

-

Mari was typing...

[MARI] Aren't you two still dating?

Lottie didn't text back, she simply stared at the wall behind Van, not wanting to think about what was happening.

God. Natalie was floating around in her head. Natalie's bleach blonde hair, Natalie's short chuckles, Natalie's lips on hers. She just can't get away from her.

They needed to set boundaries, because a breakup is one thing, but messing around with Travis a day after they broke up, stung like a reopened wound.

Lottie wasn't jealous.

It was partly her fault.

She didn't care what Natalie did in her own time.

She didn't want to care.

But everything in her mind was screaming Natalie.

Goddamn it. She was thinking so hard she gave herself a headache.

Natalie would have laughed at that and kissed her after.

and-

"Lottie, are you going to order?" Jackie snapped, the waiter staring down at the 5 of them.

"Oh, uh. I'm not that hungry."

"Okay... Suit yourself."

Lottie picked up her phone.

She clicked on Natalie's name.

But she didn't type right away.

She sat there reading the messages over and over again.

She took a deep breath in, typing out a message.

Hey, Nat. I had enough time to thing and if you want, we can still talk. [LOTTIE]

[NATALIE] Sure.

[NATALIE] I'm free now, at the hotel pool.

Last night Lottie had changed Natalie's contact name back to her real name, because she couldn't bear the pain of waking up and seeing [NAT :D] on her phone. But seeing the words 'hotel pool' made her stomach twist, what if Travis was there, what if she only brought her there so she could rub it in that she was just having sex with Travis. What if she was over her already.

Lottie was second thinking everything.

She was in the middle of lunch with the team and all she could think about is Natalie.

Stupid.

"I'm just going to head off, since I didn't order anything. Also, I think I left my iron on at the room." Lottie said flatly, already standing up and walking off. Everybody at the table stopped to blink.

"Okay..."

It was a blatant lie, a stupid lie, Lottie always double checked every power source, every cord, every window and every door before she even thought about leaving the house.

She didn't even get changed from her lunch outfit, she walked into the hotel, into the elevator and into the hotel pool area.

There she was, Natalie sitting on a pool lounge, smoking another cigarette. Lottie felt like the words were caught in her throat. She couldn't speak.

"Is, Travis here?" Lottie said in a small voice, she was standing tall over Natalie.

"Sit" Natalie tapped the sat next to her.

"What, is this some therapy?" Lottie gave a small laugh, but it felt tight.

Natalie gave a similar smile. Lottie sat on the chair, facing Natalie, her knees pressed together in a rigid form.

"You wanted to talk so speak" Natalie blinked slowly, eyeing Lottie's nervous expression. Usually, Lottie was better at masking her expressions, but she looked tired.

Smoke flew in a steady stream up into the air as Natalie breathed out.

"Did you have sex with Travis?" Lottie blurted out, faster than she could stop herself.

Natalie choked a slight on the smoke. "What?!"

"Did you have sex with Travis?" Lottie repeated it felt like a blade being cut across her neck.

"No! - I-" Natalie stopped.

"You did, didn't you." Lottie nodded slowly.

Natalie coughed out some more smoke. "So what, we're broken up."

"Yesterday, Natalie. We broke up Yesterday."

"So?" Natalie didn't want to meet Lottie's pressing gaze.

"Natalie-"

"What, are you jealous?"

Natalie's question rung loud in the air, like a challenge Lottie didn't want to take.

"Jealous." Lottie repeated it.

"Yeah, Jealous I'm fucking Travis and not you?"

...

"So what if I'm jealous. It's valid because we broke up yesterday!"

Natalie paused. She didn't think that Lottie would admit something that outrageous.

"You can have sex with whoever you want Lottie! I don't care."

"I don't want whoever else. I want you, Natalie." The words came messy and tumbling and for a second Lottie thought this would all be over.

"We're not good for each other. It's what you said. We're better off as nothing than anything." Natalie already regretted the words before they left her mouth.

The moment Natalie said it; Lottie could physically feel her heart breaking. That's when Natalie stood up and left. Lottie was left regretting everything, as she sat on the chair near the still water of the pool.

Why can't I just love you, Natalie.

____________________________________________

Authors note:

This one's a short chapter and is a sad one... Oh well, good luck to you all on the next chapter. You're gonna need it.

Chapter Text

The next game rolled around right after lunch, and Lottie couldn't even focus at their practise time.

"MATTHEWS! You play like this on the pitch and your gone!"

Lottie swallowed down the dizzy feeling she had.

"Sorry, coach." Lottie muttered, going to get a sip of water.

Shit, she felt sick.

"LOTTIE! GET BACK ON THE PICTH!" Coach Martinez was shouting orders.

Taissa rolled her eyes.

"Coach, we're fine. Just get us warmed up and we'll play good."

The coach gritted his teeth, signalling everybody to sit at the bench for a recess.

"Natalie. You better not freeze up this time." Shauna elbowed Nat.

"Shut up. I didn't freeze up. I was choked."

"Uh huh. And you weren't staring at Lottie like a mad man." Shauna nodded slowly.

The mention of her name made Natalie choke on her water.

"What?"

Before Shauna could repeat it, Natalie hit her. "I heard you. And quit pretending you aren't looking at Jackie."

"That's... Different."

"Uh huh." Natalie nodded, turning to look at the boys training area.

"Be quiet." Shauna hissed, rolling her eyes.

Natalie shrugged, closing her water bottle.

___________________________________

When they walked onto the game pitch, the team was already devising a plan. That's when the girl from the party met eyes with Natalie. Natalie looked away quickly, but in her peripheral vision she could see the girl whisper something to her friend. Natalie didn't look back.

They were on the field and the whistle blew. As soon as that whistle blew, that girl came dashing forward at Natalie who had the ball as right wing.

"What the-" Natalie managed to say, before passing the ball to Shauna.

The girl still bashed her shoulder into Natalie's chest.

"What the fuck?" The girl simply shoved against her until Natalie was almost outside of the field.

The ball was intercepted by the other team, and they were moving fast. Natalie was still marked by this aggressive girl who didn't seem to want to move.

That's when the girl dashed forward to get the ball. Natalie ran after her, hitting her in the hip, the two were practically pushing against each other for control. "You know. That girl on your team, she's hot." The girl pointed over to Lottie.

Natalie gritted her teeth, her jaw clenching tight. "Shut up and play."

"Wow, look who's angry." The girl gave a small laugh, her forehead dripping with sweat.

"Piss off." Natalie was almost about to get the ball into her control when the girl suddenly went limp, falling to the floor like an injured lamb.

The girl made a sharp ouch noise. "Shit- She pushed me!" The girl was shouting at the referee.

"What? I didn't fucking touch you!" Natalie shouted, looking down at the girl on the ground. The ref pulled out a yellow card, waving it in the air.

Natalie grinded her teeth, shutting up. Lottie approached her, quietly jogging forward.

"The game isn't too serious... Maybe be softer."

"What?! You don't believe me. I didn't touch her!" Natalie's eyes switched from annoyance to a look of hurt and anger.

"Nat. You were at her hip."

"She was pushing me!" Natalie paused.

"It's fine. Just play softer."

Natalie took a deep breath in.

"You don't believe me."

"It's a game Natalie."

"No. You don't trust me."

"That's not what I'm saying."

Natalie was already walking off.

The game started again and this time Natalie ran up to the ball where the other team had passed. She got the ball, and Shauna was waving her hands in the air, signalling she was free.

She passed quickly, and they were on fire until the girl rammed into Natalie at full force, shoulder first.

"Fuck- What the-"

The girl gave her a triumphant smile.

"You goddamn liar." Natalie hissed, trying to run in front of the girl.

"Maybe you shouldn't be grinding against me."

"Hell no. That's fucking disgusting." Natalie made a face before finally pushing her aside and getting the ball, she ran forward, passing it to Laura Lee and into the goal. Jackie jumped into the air, as they all grouped.

The girl caught after Natalie after they celebrated, right before the game started.

"Once you're done this game junkie, make sure to give me that girls number." The girl pointed at Lottie who was talking with Laura Lee and Shauna, trying to create a plan.

"Piss off whore." Natalie shoved past the girl onto the pitch.

"Getting fancy with it huh." The girl's smug expression made Natalie even more annoyed than before.

"That last round was pure luck. Good luck Natalie"

Natalie finally turned around. How the hell did she know her name. Did Lottie tell her? Did Lottie talk about her? Oh my god.

-

On the day of the party, the girl was talking with Lottie obviously flirting with her. It wasn't something uncommon Natalie saw, Lottie always attracted everyone around her whether she wanted to or not. Lottie was talking about some new restaurant near the area, and the girl was laughing along like it was a funny joke, she touched Lottie's arm weirdly and asked if Lottie would want to go with her to the restaurant some time.

"I'm Maddie." The girl swirled her drink.

Lottie nodded.

"What's your name?"

"Charlotte."

"That's a pretty name."

Lottie was staring at Natalie a lot that night, looking back at her and checking on her, but when Natalie disappeared from where she was standing, Lottie started worrying.

"Who's that bleach blonde junkie?"

Lottie let go of a breath she didn't know she was holding. "Natalie."

"Nata- Who?"

"My girlfriend." Lottie said flatly, her eyes scanning the room for Natalie's blond hair and messy outfit anywhere.

"Oh- Shit. My bad."

"No, you're all good." Lottie said calmly, but to be honest. She was mad. Mad that Maddie had called Nat a junkie, Mad that Maddie kept touching her arm, Mad that Maddie couldn't take a damn hint.

That's when Lottie spotted Travis dragging Natalie away by the arm. Lottie didn't turn, never really made a scene, it was always quiet confrontations, and she knew Travis was smarter than to take Natalie in the middle of an opening dinner. When he brought her back, she as upset she had been drinking and already annoyed at Maddie. She snapped at Natalie, something she already regretted before she said it.

Natalie got the wrong idea and...

They broke it off right there in the hotel room.

-

On the pitch Maddie was glaring at Nat, already looking like she wanted to run at her.

This time Natalie was playing Mid fielder and she was already pissed off; she was about to pour her whole dignity into this game. It determined whether they went home or stayed. Lottie was right wing, and Natalie couldn't help but look back and stare.

Most of the time Natalie kept personal life away from her soccer life which is why she mouthed to Lottie to move forward towards the right of the goal, so she would be open.

Lottie nodded her head just slightly, the two waiting for the whistle.

They ran forward and the girl was at Natalie hip, trying to mark her as best she could. The ball was heading to Natalie and Maddie pulled her back by the shirt. Lottie couldn't help, instead she ran towards the girl, weaving between Natalie and Maddie, grabbing the ball and shooting it toward Jackie who was left wing. Lottie was running up, and Natalie was in position for a score, but their defenders were hard.

Jackie rolled the ball backward to Natalie who ran up and shot the ball into the goal.

Jackie jumped up running up to the rest of them.

Time was up and they had won the match. Everyone was celebrating, Natalie had a smile on her face. She was the last one there, still packing up her stuff when Maddie jogged up to her.

"Heard you two broke up." Maddie stood next to Natalie, staring at her.

"None of your business."

"Did you break up?"

"No."

"Don't lie to yourself." Maddie took a sit of water from her bottle.

"I said it was none of your business."

"I'll take that as a yes." Maddie looked smug as hell, and it made Natalie's blood boil.

"Do you have a problem?" Natalie stood up, looking Maddie up and down.

"Maybe she broke up with you because you're a junkie.

Natalie took a deep breath in. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Doesn't that mean she's free game?" Maddie tilted her head, a look of mock innocent flashing in her eyes.

Natalie didn't respond.

"Just give me her number and I'll leave you alone."

"She would never like someone like you." Natalie snarled, slinging her bag over her shoulder, trying to walk off. But Maddie kept taunting her.

"Where are you going? To go do some drugs and pass out again? Like at the party?"

Natalie bit at the inside of her cheek, trying to ignore her.

"I'm right, aren't I?"

Natalie was about to turn around when Lottie appeared in front of her.

"Punching the losing team might not be the best idea. Nat."

Maddie looked up, a look of fear washing across her face.

"Shit." Maddie muttered.

"Fuck off. Maddie" Lottie spoke her voice eerily calm.

"I don't appreciate you calling Natalie a junkie."

Maddie swallowed, her face pale.

"Did I stutter? Move." Lottie looked down at Maddie with a look of disgust. Natalie was slowly walking away. Maddie backed off, walking off towards her team's locker rooms.

Lottie turned to see Natalie walking faster towards the locker rooms.

Lottie followed her, grabbing at Natalie's shoulder.

"Nat, are you just going to walk away?"

Natalie didn't speak.

Lottie didn't want to finish what she was going to say.

"Did she know?" Natalie finally said, her voice a low whisper.

"Hm?"

"Did she know that you were in a relationship." Natalie repeated, her words came out slow like she was just registering what may have happened that night.

Lottie didn't know if telling the truth would hurt Natalie more or less.

She nodded.

"So you let me break up with you over a misunderstanding."

Lottie didn't respond.

"Fuck. Lottie I've been such a dick for the past few days, and I wasn't thinking at the party. I was drunk and stupid and I broke up with you, and I regret it entirely. I didn't mean what I said, and I messed up so bad, I've been a horrible person and I'm so sorry Lottie"

Natalie was crying, small sobs that made her tremble when she spoke too fast.

"I didn't mean to hurt you when I was with Travis. Everything I did with him felt wrong, and it was wrong and Maddie knew this whole time while I thought you were in wrong." What Natalie was saying didn't truly make full sense, but Lottie appreciated the apology.

"I'm glad you apologised, and I'm completely sorry that I didn't tell you, and instead shouted at you. I regret what I said but I don't take it back, because I'm struggling Nat and I'm not sure you realised."

Natalie nodded quietly, tears streaking her face.

"I know, I've been so bad this month, and so fucking selfish. I hate myself for it Lottie, and I really hope you know I'll try to change."

"I know, Natalie. And I know it's hard, I truly believe you and I trust you. But I don't want to date you, Natalie. I'm sorry."

Natalie could feel her heart break in two, like somebody had just ripped it apart. And that person was Lottie.

"We've both been horrible, and I want time to fix myself before I want to help fix you. We're both hurt. And I don't think it would be right to get into a relationship after all this. Not after everything. It's not a rejection Natalie, It's a promise for later."

The weight on Natalie's should have felt like it was being lifted but she felt heavier than ever.

"And I love you so much Natalie, and love makes us crazy. I felt like I was destroying myself loving you. I really hope you can understand. I promise you, when we're both better, I can love you."

Natalie nodded. Her eyes didn't want to look up at Lottie. She felt like it was her fault, she understood why and how it was better for them, but she didn't know what would happen without Lottie in her life.

"Don't let this hurt you Nat. If you love someone else before I'm ready, I'm more than happy for you."

Lottie reached out, cupping Natalie's face gently, wiping the tears from her face. "Don't cry my love."

Natalie nodded slightly, before Lottie pulled away to grab her stuff from the Locker rooms.

Natalie walked back to the hotel hurt but less guilty than before. It was better than living without Lottie at all. At least now she could rebuild something rather than being nothing.

Because to Natalie, Lottie was everything to her, and she was nothing without Lottie.

It was like an addiction she couldn't quit.

But Lottie needed time away to heal, and Natalie couldn't stop her. She wouldn't stop her.

So, life without Lottie would be a hell Natalie would have to live in.

________________________________________

Authors Note:

Dang, this chapter was deep. And saddening to write... Hope y'all enjoyed this chapter and thank you all for 500 hits on ao3! You guys don't know how happy I am to get this far. Have a great day and stay gay!

Chapter Text

All the matches were done for the day and Natalie had nothing to distract herself with. Another celebration party was being help and everybody on the team was going. It was at a new club Lottie was talking about.

Natalie was getting ready in the mirror, fixing her poorly dyed hair. A knock came from her door.

"Come in!" Natalie called from the bathroom. The door clicked open to a casual Lottie, her hair left spilling on her shoulders. Natalie was still fixing her eyeliner in the bathroom, while Lottie ventured around the hotel room. She was in a pretty skirt and a shirt that was cropped just slightly.

"Wow, Lucky Nat. You have the whole room to yourself."

Natalie walked out of the bathroom to see Lottie, startling herself.

"Shoot- Lottie, you scared me."

"Sorry."

"Don't apologise." Natalie gave a small smile, teasing at Lottie's hair, looking up at her.

"You like how I look?" Lottie did a twirl.

"Yeah, you look good." Natalie fixed up the collar line of Lottie's shirt.

"Can't take your hands off me?" Lottie flashed a smile, her dimples shining in the light.

"Oh shut up." Natalie's ears turned red.

"You're cute when you look up at me."

"Does that mean I'm cute all the time?" Natalie tilted her head, smiling a toothy grin.

"You can think of it like that." Lottie grabbed at Natalie's cheeks, resting them in her palms, staring at her like a prized possession.

Natalie didn't want to ruin the moment with a snide remark, so she shut up for once.

"Ready to go?" Lottie let go of her face, heading to the hotel chair to grab Natalie's handbag for her. Natalie nodded like a mesmerised 4-year-old.

"Alright. Let's go." Lottie dragged Natalie out of the door and into the hotel hallway.

-

Walking into the club, a few other winning teams were there, but luckily no sign of Maddie. The club was fancy, like those sports clubs you'd see on the television. Natalie couldn't ever visit a club; she was too poor to afford anything there.

Lottie was at a distance from Nat, they weren't dating. Not talking. Just friends.

Jackie caught up to the two, dragging Lottie away to talk about whatever rich girls talked about. Natalie stood near the entrance of the club trying to spot the booked room they had.

Coach Ben and Coach Martinez were muttering complaints about the game today and most other people were heading towards the room, so Nat followed the crowd.

Inside the venue, everyone wasn't fully glammed up, but Natalie still felt out of place.

She grabbed a cup, pouring in too much punch and downing it in one gulp. That's when someone had tapped her on the shoulder.

Natalie turned to see a random girl standing in front of her. "Hey- Sorry for interrupting you. But someone's looking for you in the bathroom."

Natalie tilted her head. Maybe it was Lottie needing help with something? In the bathroom?

She shrugged, heading outside the venue to the bathroom outside, hoping she had gotten the right bathroom. She looked around expecting Lottie, but no one was in there. She walked in hesitantly, trying not look too confused. That's when the door slammed shut behind her.

She turned startled to see four girls standing against the door.

"What the fuck." Natalie muttered, trying to reach for the door handle, a girl blocked her.

"Your not going anywhere fucking Junkie." A girl said, laughing with the other 3 afterwards.

"Ok. What is this? An intervention? I don't give a shit what this is. Let me leave"

The girl's didn't move.

"Heard you called Maddie a whore" The second girl retorted, rolling her eyes.

"What? Is that what your mad about?" Natalie shrugged, not bothering to move back.

"She started it." Natalie hissed, trying to push the girl away from the handle.

"You fucking bitch, don't touch me with your drug hands." The girl pushed Natalie back with enough force to send her flying back.

"Ok, what the hell?" Natalie stepped forward, the girl followed, stepping forwards right into Nat's face. Natalie pushed her back against the door handle, she winced in pain.

"You fucking cheater! You're so bad at soccer you had to trip Maddie!" The four girls shouted, the other 3 stepped forward.

"This is stupid. What are you going to do to me? Hit me?"

Natalie instinctively stepped back, as the girls followed her backwards, pushing her harder, making her stumble to the floor.

"Piss off. Cut the fucking high school bully bullshit." Natalie trying to push past them, but one girl pulled her back by the hair.

Natalie winced. Another girl kicked the back of her knees, making her fall down.

"Now fucking apologise." The first girl hissed, kicking at Natalie's stomach.

"Hell no. She started it." Natalie spat at one of the girl's shoes, making her step back in disgust.

"You fucking bitch." Another girl kicked at her back, making her fall face first into the bathroom tiles, another girl pulled her face back up by the hair, spitting onto her cheek.

Natalie swatted at them, but a girl grabbed at her wrists.

Maddie came from behind the 4 girls, cocking back her arm to slap at Natalie's cheek. A girl landed a punch onto Natalie's lip.

Natalie coughed out some blood. "Is that all you fucking got?" The girls were pumped with rage, one punching at her eye.

Natalie coughed out more blood. "Weak." The girls growled, one of them scratching at Natalie's collar bones. Another held up Natalie's head by her head, while another stomped on the back of Natalie's calves, keeping her kneeling.

"We said goddamn apologise." The girl in front of her hissed again. Maddie stepped forward expecting an apology.

"Never, you whore." Natalie was almost blacking out at this point. Her eye was burning, her collars were stinging, and her calves rang with a pain she hadn't felt since her father.

"You motherfucker." Maddie spat onto Natalie's clothes, but Natalie didn't care.

Maddie grabbed Natalie by the collar of her shirt, punching at her jugular. Natalie coughed violently. A girl held her neck forward as Maddie squatted down to Nat's kneeling level. She laughed, looking at Natalie's swollen face, red collars and bleeding lip. Maddie backhanded her right there, finally commanding the girls to leave, they all walked out of the bathroom immediately at her command.

Natalie fell to the floor, her cheek against the cold tiles. She coughed again, blood seeping out of her mouth. She'd lay on the ground, facing the sinks of the bathroom, her vision going blurry and fading black at the edges. That's when the door opened, Natalie couldn't tell who it was on the ground, her eyes peered upwards to see a slightly tall figure walk in. followed by an oh my god.

"Nat?!" Lottie's voice came from somewhere Natalie couldn't register right now. Everything hurt.

Nat coughed again, finally passing out form pain and exhaustion. Lottie shook her hard, trying to check if she was responsive. Natalie was out cold, and she probably had a concussion.

"Nat! Nat! Nat please get up!" Lottie voice rang in Natalie's head, Misty stood over her, watching Natali's steady breathing. Her vision was clearing, and she rolled over onto her back, revealing her scratched and red collarbones and her bruised and swollen face more clearly. Lottie put her hands over her mouth a muffle gasp coming from behind her hands.

"Nat, oh my god. Who- What-" Lottie stammered, her hands hovering over Natalie's face shakily, afraid if she touched her, it would break her.

Natalie let out a muffle groan, a tear rolling down from the corner of her eye.

Lottie kneeled down to see Natalie clearly and her face flashed with 5 different emotions before settling on concern. Lottie helped Nat sit up against the wall, as Misty grabbed toilet paper to soak up the blood form her lip. A metallic taste made Natalie gag, Lottie held her up, a hand on Nat's shoulder was the only comfort she got.

"Who did this Nat? Please Nat, tell me." Lottie's eyes scanned over Natalie's injuries, a look of rage forming on her face.

"It's nothing please Lottie. Just drop it." Natalie pleaded, her eye barely open from her swollen black eye.

"Nat, this is serious. Police need to be involved. You're seriously hurt!" Lottie pulled off Nat's cardigan, rolling up her pants, checking for wounds.

"Lottie, I'm fine please." Natalie pushed Lottie off of her, it was a weak push, and it barely moved her.

"Your bleeding Nat. Let me help." Lottie pulled up Natalie's shirt just enough to reveal the red boot mark where the girl had kicked her.

"Oh my god. Nat- What happened?!" Natalie stayed quiet, finally surrendering and letting Lottie examine her.

"Nat, talk to me please." Lottie pleaded once more.

For Natalie, everything was spinning. She passed out again, this time Lottie caught her before she could hit the floor face first, pulling her head into her chest, like a fragile glass sculpture.

"Misty get Coach!" Lottie shouted, pointing towards the door, Misty ran out of the bathroom to get Coach Ben.

"God- Nat..." Lottie held Nat there until Coach arrived and practically carried her back to her hotel room. Coach Ben wanted to send her to the emergency room, but Lottie knew Nat and Natalie would have fought her.

-

Natalie woke up to feel an arm wrapped around her stomach, her head against a soft pillow and not cold tile. The embrace felt warm, safe, so safe she almost forgot what happened last night.

Lottie's soft mumbles filled Nat's ears, Natalie turned to look at Lottie whose hair was sprawled out on the pillow like a goddess. Natalie was staring.

Lottie slowly blinked awake looking towards Natalie with a puzzled look.

"Morning." Lottie smiled, sitting up and pulling her arm away from Nat.

Natalie sat up as well, standing up to go examine herself in the mirror. Her face was swollen, and she had two black eyes as well as the pain in the claves.

Lottie followed after her, wrapping her arms around Natalie's stomach, peering over Natalie's shoulder. "It's not bad." Lottie chuckled.

"Yeah, but you were practically crying over me last night."

"Shut up, I thought you were passed out that time."

Natalie laughed, a horse sound from all the times those girls scratched and punched at her throat. Lottie let go of Natalie to go get ready for their match for the day. Today they only had 1 match, a hard match against a new school they had never heard of.

"Lottie. Thanks for looking after me yesterday." Nat said, trying not to look at Lottie's heartfelt face.

"Awe, you're so welcome." Lottie smiled, flashing her dimples at Natalie. Goddamn it, she was hot. Lottie looked like a peaceful lamb when she slept. That's the conclusion Nat made this morning.

"Don't make it sappy." Natalie rolled her eyes, brushing her teeth.

________________________________________

Natalie wasn't allowed to go out to the matches, because apparently, she would startle the team with her swollen face and double black eyes. Lottie still vlogged the whole thing on her digicam, taking so many photos of the team celebrating after every point. They smashed the team they versed, and Lottie looked so happy. Nat wished she could be there.

When the team came back to the hotel the first place they went was Natalie's dorm, Van brought snacks and Jackie brought Fanta, and they were planning to surprise her.

A knock came from Natalie's door.

"Come in!" Natalie shouted from her bed, reading a random book she had taken form the hotel lobby bookshelf.

"Surprise!" The team shouted, Jackie held up her litre Fanta up like it was some prize.

"Oh my god, you all didn't have to." Natalie looked over at the snacks her face healing.

"Well... You're on the team, and your hurt so we stopped at the corner store on the way here." Jackie shrugged, already walking into the room, the team following.

Lottie pulled out her digicam, sitting beside Natalie and showing her the footage. Nat laughed, her face was sore, but her smile stayed large. Lottie took so many photos of them drinking soda, playing party games and having fun she was so excited to show them to her friends back at school.

Natalie was just a friend, a friend that you bought things for, a friend that you recorded vlogs for, a friend that you cuddled.

Nothing more.

It wasn't weird.

Nat hadn't said anything about it and Lottie was always a touchy person, disregarding the fact their technically exes, but it didn't feel like the typical 'exes'. It felt normal, it felt like they were friends for ages.

Lottie curled up besides Natalie under the covers of the bed, as everyone gathered around the bed talking about things they wanted to do in California, where the finals were.

Mari lifted up her cup of Pepsi up as a cheer. "For Nationals!"

Everybody followed. "For Nationals!"

They all laughed about it after.

Everyone was having fun and no one cared that Natalie couldn't celebrate fully, they just celebrated with her at her level and that's what made a team.

Everybody placed their hands into the middle of a huddle around Nat, cheering.

"1, 2, 3! YellowJackets!" The whole team cheered loud enough that probably the whole building could hear.

_________________________________________

Chapter Text

The next day was quite quiet after the match they had won, so they were all hanging out in Nat's hotel room to devise something to do for their free day. Van suggested going to a trampoline park. Taissa wanted to visit a popular rock-climbing gym near here. Jackie said they should go to the mall near-by or the movies, because apparently the TV in the hotel room had no good shows.

Lottie sat up, listening in on the conversations. "Nat's still injured, I doubt she'll be at any of those places."

Van looked around the room. "Oops. Forgot that your kind of wounded now Nat." Van chuckled, Shauna snickering in the corner.

"Oh come on. You're not funny Van." Nat's face said otherwise, her lips curled in an upside-down smile, trying not to laugh.

"Be serious guys. Nat can't walk for shit." Taissa added, already giggling.

"Yeah, Nat's gotta get a peg leg. Arrg me maties!" Van was laughing now, Taissa following after.

Natalie chuckled too.

"Nat, do you want to do anything?" Laura Lee tilted her head.

Natalie shrugged. "You guys can do whatever, I'll probably just sit in my room for the whole day."

Lottie shook her head, grabbing Natalie's wrists. "You're not sulking in your room all day. I'll hang out with you, and we'll grab lunch or something. Jackie, Shauna, Laura Lee and Mari can go to the mall and Van, Taissa, Melissa can go to the trampoline park."

"I still like the rock-climbing idea." Taissa shrugged.

"Tai. I don't know how to rock-climb." Van looked at her, the look she gave when she made a good point and wanted to rub it in.

"Ok. Fine, Trampoline Park it is." Taissa sighed, like it was some chore

"Yes!" Van shot her arms into the air in celebration.

"Sounds sweet." Nat said, staring at Lottie's genuine face.

"What will we do for the day?" Lottie looked around the hotel room, trying to think of something to do.

"Hey! Why don't we make each other mixtapes and decorate them. It'll be like a cute activity for the day." Lottie clapped her hands together in anticipation, already getting up to grabs supplies.

"Sounds adorable, wish I had a situationship to make tapes with." Mari sighed sarcastically. Natalie rolled her eyes.

"I'll go get supplies. I'm excited to see what you'll make me!" Lottie got up, chucking on Nat's jacket that was hung on the chair, it was two sizes too small, but Lottie was too busy in her head to think about it.

Natalie shook her head; a smile plastered wide on her face as she let out a low chuckle. Jackie yawned, grabbing Shauna's hand, and Nat could see how red Shauna got. "Why don't we go shopping now since everyone's heading out?"

Shauna nodded like a lovesick idiot, while Mari and Laura Lee trailed along after the two. Van and Tai practically sprinted out the door, while Melissa shouted at them to wait for her.

Natalie was left sitting in her bed, watching the boxy TV in the room. She stood up off the bed, her legs slightly shaking under her weight. She grabbed the nightstand for stability.

Her calves were burning more than yesterday, and her throat felt worse than ever. Everything hurt but 10x worse.

Lottie came back soon after with like 5 empty tape blanks, dumping them onto the messy bed. Nat was sitting on the edge of the bed furthest from the headboard and Lottie was pulling out assortments of ribbon, plastic gems, sticky googly eyes and a whole bag more of random craft supplies.

A brown bag sat on Natalie's nightstand

"If these are for the tapes. What's the brown bag for?"

Lottie reached into the bag to pull out a whole hot glue gun. "You think they'll let us use this in here?" Lottie gave a nervous chuckle.

"Lottie! You brought all this?" Natalie looked at the pile of craft materials on her bed.

"I thought it would be cute" Lottie shrugged, helping Nat over to the small table they had, Sitting opposite sides from each other.

"Ready?" Lottie grabbed out the empty cassette tapes, and they both spent like 4 hours on these tapes they gave to each other.

The tape Lottie made was mostly covered in masking tape, with drawings of little spirals and drawings with a bow made of ribbon stuck on the corner of it.

The tape Natalie made just had a masking tape label on it saying, "Lottie's shitty music" and two googly eyes on the either side of it.

Lottie laughed when she first saw it. "Is this what you spent 4 hours on?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty proud of it actually."

"It's adorable Nat."

"The songs on it are kind of shit, but I think it's cute."

Lottie shrugged, handing over the tape she made.

Natalie made an exaggerated surprized face, holding the tape in front of her. "You drew this?"

Lottie nodded, a big smile playing on her lips.

"It's cute" Nat added, flipping it over to examine it.

"You're really talented you know Lots."

"Don't flatter me" Lottie scoffed sarcastically, stretching after being sat there for 4 hours.

"I'm not, you're really good." Lottie's ears turned red and it was very visible against Lottie's caramel skin and her high ponytail she had done so she could use the hot glue 'according to the safety advise'

They laughed about everything they didn't say to each other for the past week and told each other what texted they didn't send, Lottie giggling when Natalie shared what she was going to send Lottie...

"So, who was the ones who beat you up?" Lottie casually asked.

Natalie turned rigid, but she took a breath in.

"Uhm." Natalie managed to say, but the flashbacks from the night before came flooding in. The way the girls tormented her, the way the girls pulled at her hair and kicked at her like she was some scum.

"Oh, sorry. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to Nat." Lottie grabbed onto Natalie's knee, and to be honest it was the only thing grounding Natalie.

"No- It's fine, Maddie that bitch. She got some petty gang formed and they all bashed me in the bathroom."

"Holy, shit. Oh my god Nat, I didn't know she would pull some shit like this- If I'd knew I wouldn't have gotten involved." Lottie's eyes glimmered with concern in the afternoon sun.

"It's fine Lottie, It's not your fault at all. We were both being petty and exceptionally stupid."

"You weren't being stupid Nat; you were tricked and trapped."

Lottie was close to Nat now, her nose almost touching Nat's but Natalie pulled away.

"I know but I should have just fucking apologised. Would have saved me some beating." Natalie chuckled weakly.

Lottie smiled.

Lottie wasn't ready for anything with Nat, whenever anything happened it was always complicated, and this trip was for soccer and soccer only. No situationships.

Her dad had called her on the phone just yesterday, right after she had a talk with Natalie.

-

Yesterday:

Lotties phone rang, the small device playing music until she answered it.

L: "Dad? What do you need?"

D: "Charlotte, I'm here to discuss your time away this coming holidays."

L: "What time away?"

D: "Your mother and I have made a decision to send you to the facility we saw. It's a private facility; you'll get better there."

L: "I told you. I'm not going."

D: "You have to Charlotte. Otherwise, we'll double to clinic visits."

Lottie gritted her teeth, breathing in a deep inhale. Those clinic visits happened every month and Lottie hated them. They would dress her in a white gown that smelled of disinfectant and regret while they strapped her arms onto a cold metal table and placed a gag into Lottie's mouth to stop her from screaming. They would do treatments on her body, her head and sometimes shock her with electricity.

Nothing done there seemed FDA approved and certainly not safe, but her father still booked them every month because they seemed to improve her mental health. It never did, Lottie just stopped breaking down at home. Rather going to a park bathroom or a random friend's house, because even locking herself in the bathroom of her own house wasn't safe because everything was controlled in Lottie's house. Doors with Locks were openable from outside, doors weren't allowed to be locked unless private or bathroom reasons and no diary or private journals were allowed.

Apparently, Lottie wasn't allowed to journal privately because her therapist was more than enough. But Lottie knew whatever she told her therapist would go straight back to her parents; it always did.

L: "You can't do that. Mom wouldn't allow that."

D: "But she did, Charlotte.

D: "You'll go to that institute for 2 weeks and we'll keep clinic visits to every month."

L: "Fine."

D: "Great."

Her dad hung up the line.

Lottie hated her father. He was a selfish and performative piece of shit.

It was never for her to get better. It was for their Image to get better.

She hated him.

-

Nat and Lottie were sitting on the floor, cleaning up the mess they had made. It was mostly Lottie who was cleaning because Nat went out for a smoke on the balcony.

"You made so much mess for just googly eyes and masking tape" Lottie groaned, a smile playing on her lips.

Natalie laughed. "I was experimenting with ribbons!" She called from the balcony, a steady stream of smoke coming from her mouth.

Lottie eventually came out to sit with Nat on the balcony. Natalie pulled the cig from her lips, resting it between her fingers, she blew out some smoke. Nat held the cigarette to Lottie's lips, she sucked in hesitantly, before coughing out smoke violently like some silly dragon.

"What is that?!" Lottie coughed, her eyes watering with how much she was coughing.

"It's a cigarette Lottie. It's not going to taste like rainbows and sugar." Natalie chuckled.

"Theres no way you're smoking that every day." Lottie looked concerned but a joking exaggerated concern.

Natalie shrugged. "They're cheap and they work."

Lottie shook her head in disbelief; a small smirk curved the corner of her lips.

"Your insane."

"Insane indeed." Natalie nodded, taking another breath from the cigarette before throwing it over the balcony.

Lottie rolled her eyes playfully. "You're so irresponsible."

_________________________________________

The whole team met up back at Tai's room, having a mini gossip session after Mari found out about some new school drama.

It was apparently about Travis's new hookup.

Nat didn't want to go; she was done with Travis and still a little sore But Lottie suggested she should go for 'Team Bonding'.

-

When they got there Jackie opened the door, inviting them in. Some of the boys' team was there too, just like 2. Natalie sat on the edge of Tai's bed while Lottie sat just next to her on the ground.

Mari was talking about what she found out and how she did and the others were pitching in on what they thought happened when Nat heard a faint tap on the door, followed by the door making a small rattling noise in the hinges, like someone was leaning against it. Natalie tapped Lottie's shoulder.

"I think some one's at the door listening."

"What?" Lottie whispered back.

"Just- Maybe I'm being paranoid."

Lottie shook her head. "You're not being paranoid, I'll go check."

"Thanks, just don't open the door though."

Lottie looked into the peep hole of the hotel door while everyone didn't seem to care.

There stood-

Maddie?

Of course she fucking showed.

She was putting her ear against the door like a creep.

Lottie looked annoyed. Natalie could see the way her shoulders tensed up.

Lottie suddenly opened the door, the light from the room spilling out into the darker hallway. Maddie stumbled forward but Lottie caught her before she could fall all the way into the room. Lottie didn't look amused; she looked like she wanted to kill Maddie.

She walked out of that room, dragging Maddie by the wrist and into the hallway, shutting the room door as quietly as she could. Which wasn't very quiet, Nat noticed immediately.

"Maddie, what the hell?"

Maddie looked wide eyed and guilty.

"It's not at all what it looked like I was doing."

"Piss off Maddie. What kind of creepo stunt were you pulling?"

"Nothing. Forget about it." Maddie shrugged, about to walk off.

"I know what you did last night in the bathrooms." Lottie looked disgusted, so truly disgusted it showed in her eyes.

"I didn't do anything last night." Maddie refused to look at Lottie.

"Maddie your fucking lying. You brought some gang to go beat up Natalie."

"Shit- Nat got beat up? That's horrible, is she okay?" Not a part of that sentence was convincing, Lottie knew Nat and would rather believe Nat over Maddie.

"That wasn't you last night?" Lottie didn't sound convinced she was asking like she knew Maddie was lying.

"Yeah, I feel terrible that Nat got beat up."

The hotel door clicked open to reveal Natalie, leaning against the now closed door.

"Cut the fucking act out, I saw your exact brown eyes and brown hair kicking me in my stomach. Unless you're calling me deranged, your making lies out of your ass."

"Shut up- I didn't do shit."

Lottie looked angry now, like she could just slap Maddie across the face.

"Did you know what you did? You almost put her in hospital, look at her- She's so fucking injured she can't play." Lottie hissed, grabbing at the collar of Maddie's shirt and pulling her forward.

"Are you trying to sabotage my team? If you are I'm sure the scouts and referees and happy to know." Lottie's fists clenched so tight you could see her white knuckles as she spoke.

"Your fucking pathetic Maddie, piss off and stop the stalker shit." Natalie added, her shoulder leaning against the door.

Maddie pushed Lottie off of her, it was an unexpected hit and Lottie stumbled back hitting the wall behind her.

"What the hell?" Nat shot back, but Lottie was already up from the wall, a crisp slap noise could be heard from the hallway.

Lottie had slapped Maddie right across the face, dead centre of her cheek, it was already fading red on her pale skin. "Don't fucking push me." Lottie pushed Maddie back, causing her to stumble to the floor.

Lottie's eyes were filled with rage, looking down at her and Maddie was ready to run from that place. Lottie was about to kick her in the stomach when Coach appeared in the hallway behind her.

"Charlotte Matthews! You better not be having a fight in the middle of a hotel hallway."

Lottie paused, turning around to look at Coach Ben.

Maddie took the chance to sprint off, back to her hotel room.

"Fucking bitch." Natalie muttered under her breath pulling Lottie back into the hotel room.

____________________________________________________________

Authors Note:

Yall- Maddie's a bitch. I'm going to kill her off next chapter trust me. Hope yall enjoyed this chapter and thank you all for 600 hits on ao3. Oh my god, that's ALOT of people. Have a great day and stay gay...

Chapter Text

TW: MENTIONS OF GROOMING AND GROOMING.

Natalie and Lottie sat back down in their spots, but everyone seemed quieter now.

"What?" Natalie raised a brow giving Mari an annoyed glance.

"Who was that?" Mari leaning forward, a smile of anticipation growing on her face.

"Just some bitch called Maddie."

"That's who! Maddie! That's her name!" Mari quickly called out to the group, everyone either looked surprised, confused or invested.

"Huh?" Lottie tilted her head, a look of confusion crossing her face.

"Travis's new fuck buddy." Jackie shrugged, grabbing another handful of chips.

"What?!" Natalie stopped slouching, sitting up to look at Mari's genuine nodding face.

"Yeah. Didn't know Travis went for whores- But I mean... I think he has a type." Mari muttered towards Jackie; Tai elbowed while trying to look annoyed her while Jackie was trying to hold in a snicker.

"Piss off Mari."

"Oh come on... She looked- A little more well off then you are Nat." Mari shrugged.

"She looks kind of like you" Tai added.

"Are you kidding me? She doesn't look anything like me!" Natalie protested, some guys from the boys' team coughed awkwardly.

Lottie grabbed Nat's hand, looking up at her with those damn brown doe eyes. Natalie shrunk back down, shutting up. Mari also piped down, switching to whispered insults.

Mari never like Natalie and Natalie could tell. It was because Natalie kissed her boyfriend in freshman year, not knowing they were dating and may or may not have talked massive shit about her. It was Mari's boyfriends' fault for initiating the kiss, but Mari didn't care.

"You wanna go ditch this place?" Lottie looked up at Natalie who looked bored out of her mind.

"Hell yeah." Lottie and Natalie stood up abruptly, even though Natalie didn't know where the hell they were going, she followed Lottie because she trusted her.

They ended up at some small diner near the hotel, where Lottie bought some food for the two of them as a semi early dinner. It was 5:00 and days were shorter in winter; the sun was already setting. Lottie grabbed the food in a takeaway bag and the two walked around the hotel block for a little while before settling at a nearby park.

Natalie lit a cig, sitting on the edge of the bench.

Lottie was happily enjoying her barely warm chips and burger.

"We're so hopeless." Natalie laughed, smoke trailing up from her mouth.

"I know right." Lottie laughed with her, taking a drag of the cigarette.

"You're so beautiful Lottie. Especially in the sun, I don't know how you do it." Natalie's chest rose steadily as she smoked, not like Lottie was staring. She just noticed small things.

Lottie took the cig from Natalie's fingers taking another drag, this time more confident. "I don't know either to be honest."

Natalie laughed a bit. "You liar."

"I don't know! It's not like someone asks me why I'm so beautiful often!" Lottie ranted, coughing out some smoke.

"Oh come on... I see the way people look at you in public. The long-held stares of men too old to even be looking at you or the way those girls steal looks at you when they thought no one was looking. Your gorgeous Lottie."

"Am I? I genuinely never really cared or noticed."

Natalie groaned. "God your dumb."

Lottie took the cigarette from Natalie's lips, taking another drag.

"You know Lottie. I can get you another cigarette. You don't have to keep taking mine." Natalie reached into her jacket pocket, but Lottie stopped her.

"But I like sharing a cigarette. Besides I don't know how to light or crush one out." Lottie looked at Natalie with pleading eyes that made Natalie want to fold.

Natalie took the last drag from the cig before crushing it out with the heel of her foot. "Fine."

Lottie gave a smile, her dimples showing in the evening orange glow. Lottie was literally gorgeous. Like Greek God gorgeous.

"You stare a lot you know." Lottie blinked slowly.

"I know. It's a problem" Nat shrugged, grabbing a fry from the grease-soaked paper bag.

"It's not bad, it's cute." Lottie took another bite of her burger, looking over at the empty playground equipment.

Natalie had a smile on her face, a genuine smile, Lottie flicked her hair from her shoulder, before standing up.

"I think we should head back, it's getting late." Lottie grabbed the food bag, folding the top over with such care Natalie never noticed.

Nat nodded, staying sat down, watching Lottie pack up. "Lottie."

Lottie turned to look at Natalie.

"Never mind." Natalie said with a sigh, getting up.

Lottie nodded, going to throw the bag away.

The two sat on the bench again in silence this time, none of them wanted to go back.

"Are you okay to date me yet Lottie?"

Lottie didn't respond.

"Sorry, shit. I'm so sorry I ruined the mood. It was a dumb question, don't worry about it."

"No, it's not. I worry about things all the time. Every time you talk to me, every time I look at you, every time I play. And to be honest Nat. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for this. Whatever this is."

Natalie stayed silent.

"I loved you a lot, Nat. But I don't know if loving you will be good right now. Not here."

Nat nodded quietly, she didn't know what to respond with.

"Thanks for at least telling me, I guess."

"You can move on, Nat."

"Wouldn't that hurt you?"

"Of course it will. But It's selfish to make you stay and wait. I won't put you through that." Lottie gave a small smile, and it felt genuine.

Natalie nodded. They walked back to the hotel that night quietly, Nat didn't speak at all while Lottie opened her mouth to say something but decided not to.

-

When they made it back to the hotel, the hotel lobby felt cold and still, the place seemed emptier than usual.

Lottie had forgotten her room key and needed a new one from reception, so she dinged the small bell on the counter that read 'ring if unattended'. A younger man about mid 20s came to the counter, as they explained what had happened.

He kindly gave them a key, but it took longer than expected. Lottie grabbed it before walking quickly to the elevator, making Natalie speedwalk after her.

Natalie saw a small note folded and stuffed between the colourful tag that the key had. It read:

"Call me:" With a phone number attached to it.

Natalie read the letter first while walking to the room. "What the fuck? What a creep"

Lottie just chuckled. "Like you said, it's pretty routine."

Natalie frowned. "It shouldn't be Lottie. If your annoyed by it, reject them."

Lottie shrugged "I don't want to be rude..."

"Lottie, that's a grown man. Your 17."

Lottie paused. "It's really nothing Nat."

"It's weird, Lottie. You don't ask for it, you shouldn't be given adults phone numbers. That's grooming."

Lottie was just now realising how weird it sounded now she heard it from Nat. She was 17.

The way the older man at the cashier of the craft store grazed his hand over Lottie's hand when she paid. She was 17.

The way grown men stared at her when she went out in public, or how some guys from the neighbouring schools took a liking to her, and cat-called her all the time. On the way to Jackie's house. She was 17.

Like a hunted fawn, she was never innocent. She was a target since 13.

The man at her last psych ward, holding her down against her thighs, even though it wasn't standard procedure. She was 13.

It wasn't harmless.

She was a minor, they were adults. It was disgusting.

"You can tell them to stop Lottie." Natalie grabbed Lottie's arm, but she yanked it away like it burned her. She tensed up immediately.

She was only 17.

Lottie chucked the keys into the bin when she walked into the room. Natalie followed after her, she didn't know whether to leave and go to her room, or to stay. Laura Lee didn't room with Lottie anymore, instead she roomed alone in a spare booked room meant for some freshman who didn't come. Lottie didn't even take off her shoes; she sat on the edge of her bed facing the window of the room. It was still dark in the room and Natalie didn't bother turning on the lights.

"Lottie, are you alright?" Nat sat beside her trying not to make too much noise.

Lottie shook her head. "I'm 17 Nat. That's not normal."

"It was never normal Lottie; you shouldn't have to put up with that."

Lottie shook her head. "It wasn't normal, it's disgusting Nat. It's constant like some curse I have."

"I never asked for any of this, all the attention I get. All the looks I get, all the catcalling."

"It's not your fault Lottie. None of this is your fault."

Lottie nodded but Natalie noticed the way her chest hiccupped when she spoke. She was crying, she tucked her knees to her chest, quietly sobbing.

Natalie genuinely didn't know what to say or do. Lottie lifted her head, tears streaking down her face, Natalie moved a tiny bit closer to her, as Lottie curled up against her chest. The side of Lottie's head rested against Natalie's chest as she quietly sobbed. Natalie could feel the way Lottie abruptly shook when she breathed.

Nat didn't know what to do. She curled her arms around Lottie, keeping her close to herself. "I'm here Lottie."

Lottie sobbed for most of that night, before tiring herself out. Natalie stayed there to take her shoes and jacket off, she tucked her into bed, placing the covers over her.

Natalie curled up next to Lottie, sleeping through the whole night.

-

When the sun finally arose, Lottie's arms were around Natalie, Nat's stomach against Lottie's back. Nat thought it was cute that Lottie grabbed onto anything that was near when she slept.

Lottie rolled over, blinking awake; a wave of confusion coming over her. She didn't have the best rest, just because of the nightmares she had.

Natalie was still peacefully asleep, and she still had her eyeliner on and her mascara.

Lottie wiped at Nat's face, near her eyes to try and fix the smudged mess on her face. Natalie awoke, looking at Lottie with a confused face. "When did you wake up?"

"Just now." Lottie hummed, still fixing Nat's makeup.

"I tucked you in last night." Natalie smiled.

"Yeah, I know. I was awake but too exhausted to help." Lottie smirked, one of her dimples showing.

Natalie tucked a strand of Lottie's hair behind her ear, while they both laid down facing each other. "You're so beautiful when you sleep."

"Watching me sleep now?" Lottie smiled, snickering slightly.

"No..." Natalie looked around with an exaggerated guilty expression and tone.

Lottie laughed, sitting up, leaning her back against the headboard.

"Maybe dating you wouldn't be that bad, since I get to wake up to compliments every day." Lottie looked happy, then Natalie remembered what happened last night and it made her sick to her stomach.

"Breakfast?" Lottie pulled the sheets off her, standing up and off the bed.

"Oh uh- Sure." Natalie muttered, following Lottie into the bathroom to get ready.

________________________________________

Lottie and Natalie were both tired out from everything, and Nat still wasn't fully recovered. She needed to sit out on the match, her bruises still a little obvious as they faded yellowish.

She covered them up in the layer of cheap drug store concealer.

The Match was against a school that looked mean and tough. Jackie looked concerned in the locker rooms. "I heard about them. They cheat. I saw with my own eyes."

"Are you sure Jackie?" Mari peeked out of the locker rooms trying to catch a glance of the team.

Taissa tugged her back. "Mari." She warned.

"Fine. That means we'll have to play hard. No mercy!" Mari chanted, tying up her cleats.

The team laughed, placing their hands into the centre of a huddle. "One! Two! Three! Yellow Jackets!"

They jogged out of the locker room and onto the pitch, Natalie sat on the bleachers watching the game.

The whistle blew and the opposing team sprinted forward, snatching the ball immediately from Lottie's legs. Laura Lee tripped the girl and got a hold of the ball, she ran with it towards the goal, but a girl rammed into her, causing her to go crashing into the floor.

Taissa ran up near the goal trying to get open but failed. The ref didn't call it.

Laura Lee got up and kicked at the girl, snatching the ball and kicking it at Taissa who scored the first goal. They all cheered.

The next round, they played hard defence, not straying too far from the goal. A girl ran towards Taissa with the ball, practically dancing around her before shooting an easy goal.

Van pulled something hard.

It was the last 20 minutes of the game.

Lottie ran forward, Taissa stayed to the left of her near the opposing team's goal, Laura Lee ran in with the ball, until a girl kicked the back of her knee, causing her to go tumbling forward. The team gasped.

Coach Martinez was screaming about calling red card. Laura Lee fell hard and scraped the corner of the face against the fake grass turf. She winced in pain.

Coach pulled her out.

He put Natalie on, and the game commenced.

The other team took advantage of Natalie's injuries, going around her quickly with fast pace so they couldn't get intercepted. They passed further away from Natalie making it harder for her to get the ball.

Lottie ran to grab the ball; it was the last 7 minutes. The ball had rolled out, and it was Vanessa's ball. She threw it as far as she could, to where Jackie was standing, Taissa got the ball and shot.

She had missed.

The team intercepted it before it reached the goal.

The team ran forward, Natalie tried to take the ball from them, but Natalie was shoved to the side. The other team ran forward, their fast and high stamina mid fielder running forward to where Shauna was standing, dodging past her and passing to another girl hidden near the goal post.

The ball was shot.

Van dived for it.

2 minutes.

The ball went in.

The team screeched in cheers.

Van slammed her gloves onto the grassy ground, kicking the dirt beneath her.

"Fucking bull shit." She muttered.

Nat puffed, already sore from everything. She looked defeated.

Lottie wrapped her arm around Natalie. "You played good."

"Don't lie" Natalie looked annoyed, her words sharp.

Lottie shrugged. "They were just cheating. We would have won a fair game."

Natalie was seething. She wanted to run over and punch those girls in the face.

"Hey, Nat. Don't take it seriously. It's just Nationals."

Nat sighed. "I know, it was just a bad game."

Lottie nodded, running to go catch up with Jackie and Mari.

_________________________________________

Chapter Text

The team went out for their closing dinner, even though they had lost they still went to the closing dinner. They came 2nd and it was close enough. They all met up in the hotel ball room that they had booked. Some other teams were there but it wasn't that serious, Natalie still noticed how Lottie stayed glued to her side when they left.

The venue wasn't too packed, and the atmosphere felt forced, but no one commented on it. Lottie pretty much stayed next to Nat the whole time since they walked in, maybe she felt guilty for the last party, or maybe she was anxious that it might happen again. But Maddie's team had already left California. It was only the top 5 teams left.

Van met up with the two, a smile plastered on her face, she was in a pretty emerald-green dress with thins straps on her shoulders and slits on both sides of her legs.

"Damn Vanessa, the dress looks good. Didn't know you wore them." Nat looked her up and down.

Van shrugged. "Taissa said she wanted to switch it up, and I thought she'd look hot in a suit so."

Natalie laughed, walking over to the drink booth, leaving Van to talk with Shauna who was just around the corner. The yellow lemonade they were serving tasted sickly sweet and it reminded her of Lottie.

Lottie stood just far enough that Nat could get her personal space while still being able to watch her. She leaned against a wide concrete pole, cup in hand following Nat with her eyes, not daring to take a sip of the drink.

The room was lit brightly, the chandelier dangling in the centre of the ceiling. It seemed unnecessarily fancy for what the occasion was.

-

Before the party:

Lottie was putting on makeup in her room, facing the mirror. She was meant to meet up at Nat's room, so she had to hurry. She was anxious as hell for the party, and to be honest, she had the right to be. Last party Nat was on the cold tile floor with her lips parted with blood. Lottie could feel the way her eyes jingled in her skull when Lottie shook her. It scared her to the bone.

Natalie looked dead. Well almost dead. But in the moment Lottie was panicking and scared, Natalie was swollen all over and injured almost everywhere. She was so terrified, the thought of it made her sick, just imagining the scene made her tense up.

It was her fault for leaving Nat alone. She should have been there. She would have protected her.

Otherwise, she shouldn't have gotten involved. it just made it worse.

God, she made everything worse.

Lottie didn't notice how hard she was gripping the corner of the table until her corner cut into her palm. The sight of blood made her eyes go wide. The imaged of Nat's passed out body flashed in her head like a disgusting movie. She couldn't move, blood trickled down her hand and down her arm.

Nat's limp head against her chest.

Nat's swollen eye.

Nat's blood all over the floor.

Nat's red stomach.

Lottie felt bile rise in her throat.

The blood fell to the sleave of her cardigan. She quickly grabbed a tissue wiping it off her arm.

The stain of the fresh blood stayed.

-

Lottie felt like she couldn't breathe at that party. She felt her chest rising fast, taking breaths that felt too deep and unsteady. She was sweating now.

Her father always called these 'manic episodes.'

She didn't believe him. They were panic attacks and Lottie knew it.

He just needed an excuse to send her back there.

Lottie held onto the concrete pole for dear life, before she knew it, she felt her world spinning.

Meds.

She needed her meds. She didn't take them because they made her drowsy and harder for her to play.

Where were they.

She reached into her handbag to check. She pulled out a bottle of meds. Her antipsychotics.

Wrong meds.

She didn't have them. They were back at the hotel room.

She felt her eyes get watery and her chest get tight.

Meds.

She was holding some loose fabric on her dress, clenching her fist around it like it would stock the tight feeling. She was slightly hunched over, trying to walk as normally as possible.

Nat watched her fleet away, concern washing over her.

-

Lottie walked through the hallway like her life depended on it. It felt like it did.

She entered the lobby from the ballroom. Trying to look for the elevator but everything was spinning and blurry in her tears.

Nat left the room just as dinner was announced, she walked through the hallway calling out Lottie's name.

Lottie was speed walking now, trying to get to the room as fast as she could, occasionally wiping her eyes from tears she couldn't control.

Nat was jogging up into the lobby trying to look for Lottie. No where to be seen.

Lottie was almost there; she was going up the stairs as fast as she could.

Natalie finally spotted her, she was running after her.

Lottie couldn't even notice. She was fully focused on getting into the room.

Natalie chased after her, meeting up with her in the hallway near the room.

Lottie didn't stop walking.

"Lottie- What- Where are you going?"

Lottie didn't respond. She walked faster.

"Lottie! Answer me-"

Nat finally noticed Lottie's fast and ragged breathing, her quiet sobs finding her ears. Lottie unlocked the hotel door hastily, curling up on the bed of the hotel room, without even shutting the door.

Nat shut the door behind her.

"Lottie?" Nat asked hesitantly, Lottie didn't respond.

She was hyperventilating and her sobs were louder. Lottie could barely breathe.

Nat quickly took off her shoes, walking over the bed, sitting beside her.

"Lottie... Are you good?"

Lottie shook her head, she couldn't speak, Nat felt like a hallucination.

"Lottie, talk to me"

Lottie didn't respond. Her breaths were faster. She shifted closer to Natalie, and Nat wrapped her arms around Lottie, tucking Lottie's head under her chin.

"You're okay, I'm here, You're good." Nat repeated, Lottie sobbed for a little while longer.

The lights were still off, and Lottie felt like she could breathe against in Nat's embrace.

"Are you real? Are you really here, Nat?" Lottie whispered, she didn't look at Nat's face, she just leaned into Nat's embrace.

"I'm here, I'm not going anywhere." Natalie kissed the top of Lottie's head.

"I need my meds, Nat. They're in my bag."

Natalie looked down at Lottie who couldn't look back at her. Natalie let go of Lottie slowly, before grabbing her luggage and pulling out an orange pill case.

"This one?" Nat held it up to Lottie's indirect gaze.

Lottie nodded.

Nat opened it up after reading the label, grabbing out 1.

"Here." Nat sat beside Lottie once more, holding the pill out on the palm of her hand.

Lottie took the pill gently, before swallowing it dry. It barely went down, and Nat could notice.

"Do you want some water?"

Lottie nodded, and Nat walked over to the mini fridge in the room, grabbing out a fresh cold-water bottle that they had bought. She opened it, handing it over to Lottie who had calmed down enough to stop shaking.

She drank almost half of it before handing it back to her.

Nat placed it on the nightstand before laying down on the bed, tapping the spot next to her. Lottie sheepishly laid down next to her trying not to seem too tense. Lottie didn't sleep that night. She simply curled into a ball, laying down on her side in Nat's arms trying not to move too much.

Natalie was dead asleep but for some reason Lottie couldn't sleep.

Maybe her thoughts were too loud.

Or maybe the meds kept her up.

Lottie felt horrible for how much Natalie cared. She knew that Natalie loved her and would practically fall to her knees for her. Making her do this felt wrong, like she was sending the wrong message.

I mean. She liked Nat.

It was obvious.

But it wasn't healthy.

Not at all.

Lottie needed a break.

A break from everything all together.

2 weeks off her 6-week Christmas break. She'll be gone.

Won't have any contact from anyone, not Natalie, not her mom, not her friends.

Dating Nat would just make it all hurt worse than it did.

It was selfish. She knew it was, but she couldn't bring herself to bear that pain. She wouldn't- She couldn't date Natalie. Not now.

-

The first time they dated was great; it was great for the first part. The no strings dates and the simple love. They were happy.

The relationship was rushed and messy, it unravelled quickly and burned out. It wasn't Nat's fault for her dad, or what happened. It wasn't Lottie's fault either.

It wasn't healthy to begin with, boundaries merged, lines were crossed and they were both in shitty states. Lottie didn't want a repeat.

Every time she tried to convince herself that she would fix it, the relationship would get better, they would figure it out. She didn't believe it, and it hurt to know that she couldn't believe in a better future for the two.

-

Lottie blinked after the 3rd 30 second doze offs, trying to figure out what time it was. The sun was rising, and she hadn't slept at all.

Nat shifted around in her sleep, her arm still wrapped around Lottie's body, it was comical because of their height difference.

Lottie pulled the sheets off of her, grabbing a cigarette from Natalie's jacket pocket and attempting to light it on the hotel balcony.

Click

The lighter flicked on for a second, but she couldn't light it.

Click

The lighter turned on with a weak flame, Lottie held the lighter up to the cigarette in her other hand, lighting the end of it. Her lighting job was flimsy and lacking confidence, she just tried what Nat did. Lottie took a breath steadily, the cig resting between her two fingers. The city looked so pretty at sunrise.

She took another breath, this time a shakier one.

She sighed, breathing out a cloud of smoke. She thought about things, like how Nat pretty much quit completely for her, or how Nat is quietly getting off cigs.

It seemed like a lot, it wasn't easy to go clean and Lottie knew it. But Nat did it all for her, with a smile on her face and a warm hug that felt real.

It was torture, the guilt seeped into her like ink on paper, spreading and soaking. Nat didn't have to do this for her. She'd been such a wreck this past week, and Nat's been like the perfect janitor to clean it up, but Lottie couldn't tell her what was going on.

It would complicate everything too much.

Lottie always complicated things.

Another breath in, this time a calmer breath.

She heard footsteps coming towards her, the glass door sliding open. There stood Natalie and her messy shag haircut she had cut herself in middle school, her face a mix of tired regret.

"Smoking now?" Natalie walked to the chair beside Lottie.

Lottie nodded, taking another shaky breath.

"Thought you said you didn't know how to light a cigarette"

Lottie chuckled lightly but it sounded tired. "Just copied what you did."

Lottie's bandaged palm was wrapped in some white wound dressing she had got from the pharmacist. It was soaked a dark maroon brown, and some red spots.

It was obvious to see when she lifted her hand up to smoke.

"What happened there?"

Lottie didn't respond, what was she going to say. She had a PTSD flash back, grabbed the table a little too hard and cut her hand open? No.

"Nothing." Lottie smiled, passing the cig to Natalie.

"Does this mean I won't have to share a cigarette with you anymore?" Natalie was playing with the lighter on the table between them, spinning it.

"Nope."

Natalie exaggeratedly groaned.

"How do you feel? We'll be going back to school after the weekends. 1 more week until Christmas break." Nat said, passing the cigarette back to Lottie.

"Nervous. We didn't win."

"It was just a bad game, if they played fair we would have won." Natalie spoke with a smile, a genuine one.

Lottie smiled back. "I know."

"You doing anything for Christmas break?" Nat tilted her head.

"I'll be gone on a business trip with my parents. for 2 weeks." Lottie said flatly, trying not to imagine it.

"Oh, what's it for?"

"Just some appearances, that's it."

"Cool." Nat nodded, looking over at the sunrising above the city.

"The sunrise is really pretty today." Natalie pointed to the orange and pink skies, trying to spot the park they went to.

"Nat, I need to tell you something." Lottie said quickly, trying not to regret the words she was saying.

"What?" Nat's stomach felt like it dropped, in a bad and good way. What the hell could Lottie be confessing at 5 am in the morning?

_________________________________________________________

Authors note:

Tehe, left you all on a cliffhanger. You'll have to wait until tmr for the new chapter to be written. Hope you all enjoyed this chapter and thank you sooooo much for 700 hits on ao3 and 13 kudos I'm really glad, therefore. Have a great day and stay gay.

Chapter Text

"Nat, I can't. I'm-" Lottie stammered trying to find words to tell Nat why she's been so scared of everything, trying to make an explanation that didn't sound like an excuse.

"The reason- The real reason I can't date you is because. I'm going away."

"The business trip? I can text you, if you don't want to date me it's fine."

"No, I'm not going on a business trip. I'm- My dad is shipping me away to a facility."

"What?"

"I know it sounds fucking insane, it is. I'm being brought to a private... Institution."

"You'll still have contact to the team, right?"

Lottie shook her head. "They take our phones and lock them up."

"Where is it?"

"I don't know. My dad hires a van that picks me up and drives me there, all the windows are blacked out."

Nat looked concerned, eyeing Lottie like she was saying something fantastical. "That's insane Lottie. Why don't you just run?"

"I tried that. He doubles my clinic visits, and if I don't come home, he'll stop supplying my meds."

"That's fucking messed up. What even is the institution for?"

"Some building in the middle of nowhere that specialises in 'cases like me.'"

Natalie shook her head. "That's not right."

"I'm scared if I leave, everything will move on without me. You'll move on without me."

"It's so selfish and I know, I feel terrible about it." Lottie couldn't look at Nat, couldn't bear to see her expression. She felt completely stupid saying it aloud.

Natalie paused, before laughing lightly. A hoarse sound that split through the air like a bullet. The laugh sounded tired and airy and Lottie finally looked back at Nat who had a hand covering her mouth in a muffled chuckle.

"Lottie we're friends, I'm not just going to leave you behind for 2 weeks. You're not going to be left stranded in a mental hospital, you don't have to worry. I'll fill you in completely when you get back, and we can go somewhere with the whole team."

Lottie chuckled lightly, a small smile growing on her face. "Can we go ice skating?"

"Lottie, I can't ice skate. I didn't take lessons like you did" Natalie groaned, rolling her eyes in an unserious gesture.

"Well... I doubt the rest of the team can either. So, it'll be hilarious watching you all slip and tumble."

"Lottie! Wow... that's not very kind-hearted of you" Natalie said, stretching out the vowel in wow, like how you would when you were being sarcastic. Lottie laughed.

"Can I not find it funny when people fall?"

Natalie just shook her head slowly in mock disappointment.

-

They both sat outside in the chilly air and morning dew, soaking in sunlight and stories. Lottie laughed until her stomach hurt, and Nat's cheeks were sore form smiling. Lottie couldn't help staring at Nat's pale skin and smiling face.

Nat was attractive, Lottie would give her that. Her personality and sharp remarks that would make the average person pissed, made Lottie interested and made her laugh. Nat always smoked cigarettes, and the smell clung to her clothes like a sticky soft drink or a persistent perfume. Lottie would always catch the scent when she walked by.

Lottie was tired, but thinking of Nat suddenly made her snap awake like one of those pathetic gerbils. School would be over soon, they would graduate, and it would be Christmas break, though Lottie would be gone for the first 2 weeks, she was excited for the holidays so she could finally get away from everything.

Unfortunately, no school meant no soccer, and no soccer meant no catching Natalie's fleeting looks. She had an idea, a stupid one but she was sleep deprived and had too many meds that morning.

"Nat."

"Hm?" The fading noise of Nat's chuckling was followed by a head tilt.

"Do you have a place to stay, you know, after you graduate."

"Not exactly. My mom said as soon as I was 18, I was out the door."

"After we graduate. Would you want to run away with me? We can buy an apartment and a cat or something."

"Lottie, that's insane." Nat raised a brow, staring at Lottie's genuine expression. "But awesome, Fuck yeah, but only if we get a dog."

"Is that a yes?" Lottie held her pinkie-finger out like a promise.

"Of course. I would have nowhere else to stay anyways." Nat hooked her finger around Lottie's and held it there for a good 3 seconds before pulling away.

"You're the best Nat."

"Hey, but what about your parents?"

"Eh, they'll be out for a good year as soon as my facility visit is over, and if they do show up, I'll just say I'm staying at a friend's house."

"Sick. Right after your let go I'll meet you at that burger place downtown near your house and we'll get some food before we pack."

"Promise?"

"I promise." Nat repeated.

-

It was already around 7 am when they went back inside the room. And they both looked like they were hit by a bus together. Lottie covered the dark circles under her eyes with too much concealer. Nat smeared her usual amount of eyeliner on her waterline; Lottie was always amazed at how Nat did it so effortlessly without her eyes watering like crazy.

Lottie looked at the faucet of the sink, eyes hollow.

"You alright Lots?"

"Yeah, I'm good." Lottie quickly snapped back to Nat who was walking out of the bathroom already.

The team met up together at a small buffet place just a few blocks from the hotel. They all sat at a table that seemed way too small to house 12 players.

"What's everyone doing for their Christmas break?" Mari tilted her head, eating a hashbrown off Laura Lee's plate.

"Nothing much." Van shrugged. "Probably staying at Tai's house for a while."

"Same." Shauna bounced her knee under the table, a pale purple mark able to be seen under a layer of pathetically done makeup.

Conversations were slow, and everyone pretty much ate and left. Nat caught up to Shauna who was weirdly speed walking away.

"Shauna-"

"Not now Nat."

"Who gave you the hickey?" Nat pointed at Shauna's neck and Shauna slapped her hand away and shushed her.

"Hickey? What hickey? And lower your damn voice." Shauna hissed, walking faster. Nat matched her pace.

"The hickey. On your neck. That you didn't bother covering." Nat reached up to point but Shauna already shut it down.

"It's none of your business anyways." Shauna suddenly turned bright red.

"So it is a hickey." Nat nodded slowly.

"No-! What!" Shauna scoffed, unconvincingly.

"Who's it from?" Nat was nosey and was trying to guess all the possible people in her head.

"Noneya."

"You're not funny Shauna" Nat rolled her eyes, a small smile on her lips.

"I swear if It's from a guy on the boys' team."

"What! No!" Shauna said too quick.

"So a random guy?"

"No! That's worse."

"So a girl from our team?"

"No- Stop guessing." Shauna hissed again, sharper this time.

"Oooo, I think I struck a nerve in Shauna. So it is a girl on our team. Hm..."

"What?! I didn't-"

Jackie caught up to Shauna and Nat with wide strides and a stubborn attitude. Shauna shut up immediately.

"Watcha guys talking about." Jackie leaned forward between the pair.

"Nothing. Loans and taxes." Natalie said, obviously sarcastic.

Shauna turned tomato red when Jackie put her arm around her. Natalie noticed immediately.

Jackie eventually skipped off, and Nat's jaw was on the floor. "You fucked Jackie didn't you."

"What! No- I didn't fuck anyone." Shauna blurted out too quickly.

"Well, the hickey says otherwise, you totally fucked Jackie." Nat laughed, laugh enough to were Jackie turned around to look at them.

"Shut your mouth! Your so goddamn loud." Shauna snarled, trying to ignore Nat.

Nat shrugged, slowing down to catch up with Lottie who was walking behind her... humming a song Nat didn't recognise.

"Lottie, you would not believe what I just found out." Nat laughed.

-

The hallways of the Hotel felt cold and empty, Lottie opened the door to their room, it looked sterile and clean.

"Oh, someone must have come in to clean up." Nat sat down on the newly set bedsheets.

Lottie realised they had left the balcony door open, walking over to shut it before setting besides Nat. They're knees touched but Lottie didn't move away. She was always a touchy person, especially when she was drunk. Nat didn't really see anything wrong with Lottie being a touchy person, I mean. They were in a soccer team; they watched each other get dressed.

It wasn't romantic or anything.

They had a flight to catch in the evening, and Lottie got up to clean up their loose items, occasionally holding up one of Nat's items and asking her about where it went.

"Y'know how we said we would move in together?" Nat was fiddling with her silver rings.

"Mhm." Lottie replied trying to zip up her suitcase.

"What about college or university?"

"Dunno." Lottie admitted, sitting on the floor next to the half-zipped suitcase.

"Would you ever want to go to college?" Nat tilted her head.

Lottie hadn't really thought about college or university at all, it was always such a foreign thing that was promised to her since she was young.

Lottie didn't really know what to respond with, Nat got the hint and nodded quietly.

That's when a knock came from the door.

"Come in!" Lottie called from the foot of the bed, sitting cross legged with the tapes they had made in both her hands. She was looking at them gently like she might break something, before packing them away into Nat's duffle bag.

Laura Lee opened the door, eyes gleaming with the type of energy Lottie didn't have that morning.

"Uh. I had just forgotten something, Lottie." Laura Lee quickly shuffled over to the closet, grabbing out a cardigan she had forgot to take. Nat thought that cardigan was Lottie's and she just had a really weird taste in clothes, but it made sense now that Laura Lee came in.

Laura Lee shuffled back out of the room, shutting the door behind her like she was trying not to bring attention to herself.

As the door shut, Natalie looked around the room, lips pursed like she would when she thought about something. "Well that was fucking weird."

"What?" Lottie raised a brow, trying to keep her voice down.

"She was so quiet and awkward." Natalie shrugged.

"Laura Lee? No, she's just like that around you."

"What?" Natalie had the same expression as Lottie did.

"Yeah, you never noticed?" Lottie finally stood up, almost towering over Nat who was sat uncomfortably on the bed, leaning against her elbows behind her.

Nat shook her head. "I just thought she was an awkward guy."

Lottie shrugged. "Maybe she doesn't like your morales. I mean, a lot of Christians wouldn't align with your morales."

Nat rolled her eyes. "Or maybe it was that rumour near the end of freshman year. You remember? When Laura Lee got outed for liking you?"

"What?! I don't remember that!"

Natalie whistled. "It was pretty obvious. Besides, it may have been when you were absent for 2 weeks."

Lottie nodded. "But what does that have to do with you?"

Natalie looked away, suddenly very interested at the boxy TV in the corner of the room.

"Natalie." Lottie had that tone she used when she needed answers or when she knew Nat was lying.

"The team thinks we're fucking." Nat shrugged, rubbing the back of her neck.

Lottie didn't respond for a few seconds. "I bet Tai and Van started that."

Natalie snickered. "Yeah, probably."

"That probably also means that Laura Lee still likes you." Nat added.

Lottie didn't really think about Laura Lee a lot, except for when she had comforted her multiple times on the phone after Lottie cried about what ever went on in her life. Maybe that's why Laura Lee was so eager to listen to 2 hours of Lottie's rants.

"Why don't you shoot your shot?" Nat tilted her head, the words felt sour in her mouth. She didn't even know why she asked, what would she do if Lottie really did shoot her shot with Laura Lee and it was all her fault.

"Nah. She's not really my type." Lottie said quickly, practically sensing Nat's shifty glances and nervous fidgeting.

"Oh. Too religious?" Nat joked.

"Eh... More like, too nice. She would kill me if I told her I stole cheap clothes from TJ Maxx."

Nat laughed, a real genuine laugh.

"I don't even wear the clothing that I steal- I just steal it anyways."

Natalie laughed for a little while longer before piping down.

"I think we should go get something to eat; the hunger is getting to you."

Lottie chuckled, a toothy smile plastered on her face, dimples flashing in the morning light.

-

Most stores opened at 10 am, and most breakfast places opened at 9. They had to wait 30 minutes before getting something to eat, so they ventured around the area near the hotel for a bit.

Lottie spotted a nearby bookstore that was open. Lottie practically dragged Nat into the store, browsing books for what felt like hours. Nat stood there, following Lottie around like some dumb duckling as she flipped over books and read the blurbs occasionally asking Nat's opinion on certain books.

They were walking over to the checkout with like 3 books that Lottie didn't need, Nat wasn't really a fan of books but bought one to seem interesting.

Nat placed her single book down on the checkout counter, she actually had no idea what the book she was buying was about.

The clerk gave her a friendly smile. The clerk had dark blue dyed hair with smoky eyeliner and a sweet smile. Nat smiled back.

"Good choice on the book, it's a nice romantic one. You like romance books?"

Nat read the cover of the book one time over before realising it was one of the corniest love books cover, she'd seen. She couldn't take the book back now that the clerk complimented it.

"To be honest, I don't even read. I just bought it to look busy."

The clerk laughed. "Me too, don't worry."

Nat noticed the clerk's leathery jacket with small pins and patches on it. After she paid, the girl walked off to go shelve books and Lottie went to go check out a few more novels that caught her eye. Nat noticed the carabiner hooked to the girl's belt line.

She chuckled lightly and Lottie noticed her staring at the girl. Nat walked over to Lottie who was looking for more books to buy, Nat found some dark true crime book and shrugged after reading the back before walking over to another shelf of book further from Lottie.

The girl popped in again. Leaning against a bookshelf next to Nat. "You need any help finding an actually interesting book?"

Nat shrugged. "Found some nice ones over here."

"Well... If you like romance and true crime I have some recommendations over here." The girl pointed over to a further corner of the bookstore, filled with books with edgy covers. The girl planted her hand on Nat's shoulder, leaning forward to look at the books she had chosen out.

"Cool choices." She pointed at the true crime book Nat had borrowed.

Nat's ears burned a little red. "Thanks."

"You live around here? Never seen you around." The girl tilted her head, pulling her hand away from Nat's shoulder.

"Not really, my soccer team's here for our Nationals."

"That's sick, you any good?" The girl smiled warmly.

"Yeah, I think I'm okay at soccer."

The girl chuckled again, her keys that were hanging on her carabiner jingling.

"I'm Trisha." The girl nodded, looking Nat up and down.

"You can call me Nat."

Trisha Nodded.

"Is your name Nat? Or nick name."

Nat smiled. "Nick name."

"Let me guess... Your name is... Natalie?"

"Correct."

Trisha pulled a book from the shelf, one that intrigued Nat.

"I think you'd like this book." Trish showed it to Nat.

Natalie actually paid attention to it. "Woah, that book actually doesn't seem too bad."

"Yeah? It's my favourite." Trisha passed it to Nat who gladly took it.

Trisha was obviously flirting and Nat noticed immediately, she didn't mind Trisha flirting with her, but Lottie did.

"Here. My number, so you can call me and keep in touch." Trisha passed her number over on a little sticky note.

"Cute." Nat replied, folding it up and stuffing it into her pocket.

They talked for a little longer before Lottie walked over, arms full of checked out books, she stood right besides Nat, in front of Trisha.

"Oh, Lottie. Meet Trisha." Nat held her hand out forward, pointing to the girl in front of her.

Trisha waved. Lottie waved, a tight smile forming on her face.

"And you are?" The blue haired girl tilted her head, still holding a book she was going to recommend to Nat.

"Charlotte." Lottie said, looking the girl up and down.

Natalie stared at the two, the tension rising in the space they were in. Nat chewed at the inside of her cheek.

"Do you need any help with anything Miss Charlotte?"

"No" Lottie said abruptly, which surprised Nat.

"Hey, Trish. Nice to meet you, I've got to go and check out quickly. I'll call you later today."

Trisha looked around the room before nodding, confusion rising in her.

Lottie practically dragged Nat to the checkout counter, before dragging her right out of the store.

__________________________________________

Chapter Text

"What the fuck Lottie?" Nat pulled her arm away from Lottie's grip as soon as they made it past the corner of the block.

"What the hell was that?!" Nat protested, but Lottie didn't respond.

"Lottie, answer me." Nat shook Lottie's shoulder slightly. Lottie looked visually annoyed, but not at Nat.

"I know that girl." Lottie managed to say, her eyes looked like they were boiling with rage.

"What? Why is that relevant?" Nat snapped back.

"She was from my church youth. She did the exact same thing she just did to you, to me. Then she ghosted me."

"Huh?! Lottie, you're not making any sense, how do you know that's her?"

"I can recognise her eyes, and the way she stood, and her hair, and the shape of her nose-"

"Lottie. It's a huge world; it could just be another girl."

"No. Her name was Trisha, she wore a similar outfit when I met her, and she handed me a neon green post-it note with her number on it. Then she called me constantly and after we went out, she completely ghosted me."

"Lottie. What if she had a right to ghost you? Maybe you did something wrong" Nat was already saying.

"Nat, listen to me. She's not a good person. If I did cause her to ghost me, she shouldn't have run away."

"Okay. Lottie, listen to me. I won't talk to her alright. I'll ignore her. Does that make you feel better?"

"Yes, thank you Nat." Lottie's breathing finally slowed, and they continued to walk along the path to the breakfast place, just across the road.

They walk into the diner and most of the team is already sat there.

"Oh! Lottie, Nat!" Van called out, scooting over on the small bench to make space for the pair.

Nat walked over to Van, sitting beside her. Lottie sat beside Laura Lee and Mari.

Mari and Laura Lee were friends, and it was an unlikely pair, Mari always gossiped and Laura Lee was always kind. Nat and Lottie both ordered a quick meal, and then got out of there.

"What the hell was that mess." Nat laughed as they walking away from the diner building.

"No idea." Lottie replied, shaking her head slowly, almost laughing at it.

"I was genuinely praying we wouldn't bump into anyone." Nat rolled her eyes.

"Hey, but where was Jackie and Shauna?" Lottie raised a brow, sorting through every scenario they could be in.

"Probably fucking each other in the hotel room." Nat shrugged slightly before taking a sip of the milk shake she took to go.

"What? No way." Lottie gasped, covering her mouth with her hand.

"Mhm hm." Nat nodded slowly a knowing look crossing her face.

"You're joking."

"No, don't you notice how Shauna randomly shows up with little purple marks on her neck?"

"No? I'm not looking at her neck, Natalie."

"Well... Word on the street is that Jackie gets extra touchy when she's drunk"

Lottie laughed, a light and soft sound that made Nat's heart flutter. "That's insane! Oh my god. That gives me so much black mail material!" Lottie's dimples were obvious from the angle Nat was staring at her.

"Wait. What do I get like when I'm drunk?" Nat tried to think about it, but she never remembered anything before blacking out.

"Tired, pretty normal, expect for the sharp words that come out of your mouth." Lottie was trying to remember everything from when Nat was drunk, but most the time she was also horribly drunk.

"Sounds pretty normal to me." Nat nodded, taking another sip from her milk shake.

"What about me?" Lottie was playing with a strand of hair near her face.

"Oh, shit. You're like really emotional and you cry a bunch. Also, you seem to be really impulsive and touchy. You also end up blacking out half the time or exhausting yourself from bawling your eyes out and you wrap your arms around me like a possum on a tree when you sleep."

Lottie turned completely red. "Oh. My. God. That's humiliating! You can't tell anyone about that- I don't even remember half of that."

Nat choked on her milkshake. "You didn't remember anything from most of those moments?"

Lottie nodded.

"That's an amazing thing." Nat said a smile creeping onto her lips.

Lottie rolled her eyes. "I'm surprised you didn't black mail me with that."

-

They both laughed about the times they got drunk and how stupid they both sounded while half blacked out. As they entered the hotel room, Nat was trying to recall all the animal shelters near the far side of their hometown.

"Lottie, what we eventually move in together... Can we get a german shepard?" Nat showed Lottie a flyer posted outside the hotel. It read: 'Adopters needed'

Lottie stayed silent to think. "German shepard? As long as I don't have to feed it that bloody gross duck feet and chicken hearts."

Nat immediately nodded, her eyes lit up with anticipation. "I swear, we'll just buy some kibble."

Lottie thought about it for a little longer, like a mother thinking about giving their kid their first fish. "A friendship companion, not anything else."

Nat nodded again. "Of course."

"Why don't we get a cat?" Lottie looked down at the flyer, reading the phone number. 'Dogs and Cats for adoption, Call:'

"Because... I don't feel like being a crazy cat lady." Nat responded, her voice tinged with that sarcastic tone she used.

"Okay, but I don't know how to take care of an animal."

"I'm sure we'll both figure it out, besides. I'm sure it's as easy as cleaning up for a toddler."

"Nat, that's not easy."

Nat scoffed. "I'm sure it's fine."

"What would we name it?" Nat went through the options, nothing that Lottie would approve of.

"We'll think about it when we adopt one, Nat."

Natalie agreed, before the conversation moved on. They had to start getting ready for their flight at 5:00 and since they finished packing in the morning, they headed over to Mari and Melissa's room to where everyone else was hanging out.

Van and Tai were pretty much the first people there, Nat and Lottie came 2nd. They were chatting about their break and what they would do. Lottie stayed silent for most of the conversation, her throat felt tight,x but she swallowed it down.

The clock showed: 4:15. The whole team was now sitting in Mari's room in various corners and floor space. Nat shuffled over to where Shauna was. "Shauna..."

"What do you want Natalie." Shauna looked visibly annoyed.

"You seem more pissed off then usually. Jackie pissed you off recently?"

Shauna gritted her teeth, glancing over to giggling Jackie who was talking with Lottie and Tai.

"I'm guessing yes."

Shauna didn't even look at Nat before starting to rant. "She's so goddamn entitled. Doesn't think about anyone else but herself, jerk."

Nat blinked. "Is that because she's ignoring you? Or is it because she said something."

"Both." Shauna snarled, sharply exhaling.

Jackie peered over her own shoulder, looking back at Shauna who was trying not to look at her.

"Looks like she wants to talk to you, maybe you tow can resolve this?" Nat tried giving her best advice, but it sounded sloppy and lazy.

"Piss off Nat."

Nat walked off to find Lottie, she swore Lottie was just with Jackie but now that she looked back, she was gone. Her eyes swept across the room trying to spot Lottie's dark wavy hair and signature laugh.

That's when Nat spots Laura Lee practically hung on Lottie's arm, laughing at some story Lottie was telling like it was the funniest thing ever. Lottie didn't even look up to glance at Nat.

Natalie didn't care though, not as much as she wanted to admit. Lottie looked like she was happy and having fun, it would be selfish to be jealous. They're just friends. Nothing more.

Nat's pocket buzzed to a call. She instinctively picked up, not bothering to read the small screen.

That's when Trisha's voice came through the phone. "Hey, it's me. Trisha, from the bookstore."

"Oh, yeah. Trish, what's up?" It sounded like the most loser lesbian greeting ever. Nat was already walking out of the hotel room for some silence.

"Just wanted to call and catch up." Trisha said casually from the other end of the call, like she had done it a million times. She probably had.

"We met just this morning," Nat said her voice was husky and tired from how early she had woken up that day.

"Yeah, but I was sort of bored and had nothing to do. You seemed interesting so I called you."

"Wow, how flattering" Nat said pacing around the hallway, the phone stuck to her ear.

"Just wondering, that chick you were with. Is that your friend?" Trisha's voice sounded like a genuine question. Nat knew Lottie told her to ignore her, but that would be rude. She could just say Lottie was her girlfriend and end the conversation there, but that was boring and Nat wasn't the type of person to go for the boring route.

"Just a friend. Why? You know her?" Nat pressed so casually it could be mistaken as an innocent question.

"Nah, not really." Trisha's breath sounded like it hitched on the other end, like she was nervous about something.

"Cool. Hey, I need to go back to packing. Call you later?"

"Yeah, bye Nat." The noise of the line cutting off made Nat breathe a sigh of relief, she walked back into the hotel room trying not to bring too much attention to herself.

Lottie of course noticed Nat slipping back into the room, but she was too busy being occupied by Laura Lee's presence. Laura Lee touched Lottie's arm lightly, casually, friendly. Lottie could recognise it anywhere.

Because Laura Lee and Lottie had dated in the past during freshman year. She just never told anyone about it because Laura Lee was always so guilty about it. Like it would kill her to tell anyone.

-

Freshman year:

Lottie was in the locker rooms alone with Laura Lee, it was something they always did after practice. They sat there in silence doing their hair or just bathing in each other's presence. Laura Lee was staring so hard into the floor Lottie thought it might collapse.

"Lottie, do you ever feel like the lord is looking down on you?" Laura Lee's voice came out small.

Lottie and Laura Lee always talked in short, hushed conversations because Laura Lee was so scared of being outed. She couldn't even talk to Lottie without the feeling of anxiety and guilt weighing on her. So, they were never public, only small hangouts and dates here and there always either 3 towns over or at Lottie's house.

Lottie thought it was sweet, Laura Lee thought it wasn't enough.

"Yeah, a lot." Lottie responded her voice in the same hushed tone as Laura Lee's.

"What if this is wrong, Lottie."

"What?" Lottie's voice broke a little because she knew how the conversation would go; she could feel it so deeply in her bones.

"What if liking you is a mistake; a mistake you made to ever date me."

"What are you saying?" Lottie hesitated before talking.

"You deserve someone that doesn't keep you a secret you know. You should be with someone who makes you happy."

"I am happy Laura Lee, I don't know what you're saying."

"But I'm not. I don't think I can ever love another girl and be happy, not when it feels like such a sin."

"But- Laura Lee, God wouldn't hate love."

"You don't know that. I don't know that. Every time I think of you, my hands become unclean. I'm so scared to be with you, but I'm so scared to lose you."

"Please, please don't say that. Please Laura Lee, please." Lottie's eyes former with tears, but none fell.

Laura Lee refused to look at Lottie's tear-stricken face. "It's not okay, Lottie. It would be selfish of me to make you stay when I can't fully love you."

Laura Lee finally stood up to hold Lottie's face. "Don't cry my love."

"Please, please don't leave me. Please I love you, Laura Lee." Lottie pleaded, but her voice barely came through.

"Forget about me, please Lottie. I don't want to hurt you more than I am now."

"If you don't want to hurt me, then stay. Please, stay."

Laura Lee shook her head. "I can't, Lottie. Please don't cry. I love you."

With that Laura Lee, grabbed her bag and left, Lottie sat in that locker room until Coach Ben came to lock them.

Lottie didn't even respond to Coach's questioning; she grabbed her bag and left.

After 2 weeks Laura Lee had gotten a boyfriend, one that went to the same church as her. But every time Lottie looked at her with her new boyfriend, her smile faltered just a beat too slow when he kissed her on the cheek. Her laughed never sounded full.

It hurt Lottie so much knowing had fast Laura Lee moved on. How fast she broke it off.

-

Authors Note:

Thank you all for reading this chapter and thank you all so so so much for 900 hits on ao3, I genuinely am so grateful. Have a great day all of you and stay extra gay.

Chapter Text

[TW, Grooming, mentions of grooming and pedophilia, child abuse, kidnapping]

Lottie was a hotshot, and out of many people's leagues. It wouldn't be a surprise to Nat to know that Lottie dated a few people. Maybe a little more than a few, more like many but she was never public with any of her relationships either, except for the time she dated that older guy during her sophomore year. Nat usually noticed the way guys from younger grades stared at her walking by, or how some teachers look at her.

Lottie never noticed, or maybe she did and just automatically filtered it out. Nat was pretty much the only one stopping Lottie from dating another few, Lottie wasn't as innocent as she looked. She was a big player to be honest, before joining the soccer team she had nothing more to do, she was rich, she had friends and pretty much every guy stared at her. Not like she was interested in them though.

Sometimes she would give a guy a chance, then brutally dump them. It was funny, seeing how they would gloat about getting with The Charlotte Matthews. Jackie, Tai and Lottie would laugh about it all the time during sophomore year.

After soccer, more like after Natalie she had stopped looking at them completely. It was Nat only, like no other guy could get on her level. It was annoying for Lottie, that after Nat she could never see dating the same again, like Nat had somehow altered her brain chemistry. It was stupid and kind of corny, Lottie never talked about it though, only wrote it down somewhere.

"Hey, Lottie?" Laura Lee's voice knocked Lottie out of her zone out, so fast Lottie's eyes went wide for a second.

"Hm- Yeah?" Lottie spoke, trying to sound casual.

"We're leaving soon for the plane. You should go get your suitcases from your room."

"Oh- Uh, thanks." Lottie walked away her steps faster than her brain could process that conversation, she walked over to where Nat was standing, already near the door.

Lottie pressed her palm against Nat's shoulder. "Hey,"

"Hi." Nat said rising from the wall she was leaning on.

"We need to grab our stuff from the hotel room, we're leaving soon."

"Could you grab my stuff?"

"Nat, you're not five. Can't you grab your own things?"

"And you're not eight; can't you light your own cig?"

Lottie sighed, opening the door and walking out, back to their room. Nat chuckled at how fast Lottie caved.

-

As soon as Lottie got to her room, she realised she had forgotten her keys. Shit.

Lottie patted at her pockets again trying to remember where she left them. That's when it hit her, Nat had the other key.

She let out a low groan before walking back to Mari and Melissa's room trying to find Nat.

Laura Lee bumped into her. "Uh, Lottie? Where's your bags?"

"Locked out of my room- Have you seen Nat?"

Laura Lee shook her head.

"Shit." Lottie muttered, walking out of the room frantically, trying to find the elevator down to the hotel lobby. She ran into the half-closed elevator, putting her arm between the doors until it opened. The man in there looked confused and annoyed.

Lottie hit the close button probably more times than she could count. The ascend down to the lobby felt like forever the man kept glancing back at her from time to time, like he was deciding something.

The doors were about to open to the lobby floor.

"Hey- Uh, you're cute. Would you like to go to coffee sometime? Theres a great store down-"

Lottie didn't even blink, she was already dashing out the door. "I'm seventeen." She spoke, the words flying over her shoulder, she didn't even turn back to look at him.

She immediately went to the counter, dinging the bell harder than she should.

An older woman who looked too tired to be at that counter stood in front of Lottie. "What do you need."

"Uhm- I locked myself out of my room... I need a new key if that's okay."

"Here." The woman practically chucked the key at Lottie, like she could sense the rush she was in. Lottie speed walked back to the elevator, not even thinking at this point.

The doors opened and she saw the man again, this time his face ashen with fear? guilt? Lottie couldn't tell. He looked like he was waiting there or something.

Lottie barely glanced at him, but he spoke anyways. "I'm so sorry, I didn't even notice- I- Oh my god that's disgusting. I'm- Oh my god. I'm so sorry."

Lottie just nodded. "It's fine, I get that a lot." She didn't want to think about too much, and it looked like the guy didn't either.

"Oh my- It's really not. I'm a teacher- That's. I feel horrible, I'm genuinely sorry."

Lottie just nodded.

She got out of that elevator as fast as she could walk, shoving the key into the lock like she was burning.

A call came, Lottie grabbed her phone from her pocket, fumbling until she finally answered.

"Lottie? Where are you? We're almost about to leave, coach is ranting about late people and irresponsible kids." Jackie's voice was concerned, and Lottie could here coach Martinez in the background muttering about stuff she didn't want to worry about.

"It's fine. The plane is paid for by my dad. Theres no way it's leaving without me. I'll see you there."

"Nat is leaning casually against a wall but she looks anxious, like something might implode."

Lottie laughed. "Probably because her bag's in this room."

"Alright, hurry up though."

Lottie said a quick goodbye before hanging up and running out of the room with all her stuff.

She ran back to that elevator, clicking the up button like she was defusing a bomb.

The doors opened agonisingly slow and Lottie got in, slamming her finger into the roof floor button. "Hurry up and close..." She muttered; her arm being weighed down by Nat's duffle bag.

The doors finally opened, and she saw the Coach Martinez in front of the private jet parking with an annoyed expression accompanied by the boys' and girls' team.

"Where the hell were you?" Coach turned to look at Lottie, but Lottie ignored him, walking straight to Nat and holding the bag out in front of her.

Nat looked up, grabbing the bag with a small thanks.

The whole team started boarding the plane. It was a different one from last time, one bigger and fancier. The girls team looked around in awe.

"Woah! This thing it was bigger!" Mari called out from the back of the plane.

"On three- One, Two, Thank you mister Matthews!" The whole team collectively said, before laughing.

Lottie smiled, finding her seat next to Nat. Nat looked distracted, headphones on and listening to an album Lottie had never even heard of.

As soon as Lottie sat down though, Nat pulling off her headphones. "Hey Lottie" Nat fumbled with the pause button on her Walkman.

"What took you so long grabbing our bags?"

"I forgot our key inside our room." Lottie said, a laugh already escaping her lips.

"Pfft, I would have been faster. I had the key, why didn't you just come find me?"

"I tried, but you had gone like MIA." Lottie grab at her pocket, feeling a cold metal object in her side pocket.

"Forget your phone?" Nat looked down at Lottie's pocket.

That's when Lottie realised something. "Shoot- I forgot to return the keys to the reception."

Natalie actually laughed. "Free souvenir, keep them."

"No! That's like stealing. What if making keys is expensive?" Lottie protested, but she didn't stand up.

"You steal cheap clothing from TJ Maxx Lottie, a few keys are nothing." Van and Tai who were sitting in front of the pair started snickering.

Lottie turned a shade of pink. "You talk so loud you know?"

Natalie shrugged. "I'm aware, it's intentional."

Lottie rolled her eyes. "That's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard."

Nat reached into her pocket grabbing out a pack of cigarettes. "You think I can smoke in here?"

"Ok, I take it back. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. No! You can't smoke in here. My dad would absolutely kill me."

"Kill you by crushing you with another private jet?" Mari chimed in, leaning into the isle of the plane from her seat.

"Let's hope it's 10" Van said from the seat in front of Nat.

"11, one for each of us" Jackie said from the front of the plane.

The team laughed, before Coach shut them up.

The loud engines of the jet started, as they took off. To be completely honest, Nat was afraid of flying. Like crazy anxious. She had never really gone on planes before besides school international trips and Lottie's private jet. It was terrifying, what if they crashed in the middle of nowhere. It wasn't really the fear of dying in a plane crash, dying in the plane crash would be the best outcome, what if the plane crashed and she had to endure surviving out there. With this team? Jackie probably wouldn't last a day.

She always looked scared when she flew, either putting her headphones on or trying to ignore everything going on.

Lottie noticed how pale Nat got when the plane took off, her leg always bounced up and down, or she would chew at the inside of her cheek. Lottie would pretend not to notice though; she could tell Nat would figure it out, but still. It made her stomach twist watching Nat freeze up when they took off.

Nat was doing both at the moment, gripping her Walkman like it could save her from the impending doom she was feeling.

Whenever a plane took off it reminded her of trauma she didn't want to think about. The loud gunshot that killed her dad, the time her dad tried to flee the country with her. It was terrifying.

-

4 years ago:

Exactly 4 years ago, during her last year of middle school. Home felt quiet, it felt better than it ever had. It felt too normal, too calm. Natalie knew better than to enjoy the silence. Her dad had gotten caught smuggling a whole 5 pounds of heroin in his trunk. Once her dad learnt police were coming to raid his trailer in a day, he started to pack. Her mom didn't want to leave, she had gotten a stable job working retail, it was as safe as she could feel.

He had gotten mad and slapped the shit out of her. She protested, wanted to protect Natalie, she needed somewhere stable to grow up and make memories worth living for. Her father hit harder. The sounds of slaps echoed through the caravan.

Natalie didn't sleep that night. It was the last time her mom would ever stand up for her. The last time her mom would ever get a job. The last time her mom would ever feel safe.

That night when her father had gone out for more beer, Natalie's mother sat her down.

"We're not moving. Are we?" Natalie's voice came small.

"I'm sorry." Her mother said, not even explaining anything, but Natalie knew what it meant. That was it.

"Mom, what did you do before you met him."

Her mother didn't respond.

"I was nothing without him." She said, but her voice came flat.

"Before that."

"I was a fashion designer." She mumbled like saying it too loud would kill her. This would be the last time Nat would ever hear her mother open up. She was like a book that was nailed shut. Trapped.

Her mother didn't want Nat to live like this. Not anymore.

"Your father won't change. He was like a miracle that happened to me. Until I married him. Addiction got to both of us, he was violent."

"He can't change, but you can Nat."

"You need to run, forever. Run far away where he can't find you."

Natalie didn't even cry that night. She just nodded.

That's when her father came into the trailer with blood on his knuckles. Sirens wailed behind him.

"We need to fucking leave. Now!" He screamed, chucking an empty beer bottle against the wall to his left."

"Pack your things. We're fucking gone."

"We can't pack now, sunrise tomorrow. Please."

"Vera. I fucking swear. Shut your goddamn mouth. Natalie pack your bag."

Natalie's mother shut up but she mouthed a word to Nat before she left to her room. "Run."

Her father grabbed her. "Look at me when I fucking speak bitch."

Her mother didn't even wince when he grabbed her by the arm, Nat was already stuffing anything she could find into her bag. The window opened with a creaking noise.

Her father turned slowly.

He spat onto the floor before storming out of the trailer. "You dumb fucking shit. How dare you run."

Natalie sprinted as fast as she could away from there. It wasn't enough.

She ran down the hill and around the other vans. She hid behind one, trying to catch her breath. Her bag didn't have much in it except the few belongings she had but it felt like it weighed 100kgs.

Her father stormed over there, Natalie couldn't breathe, she was terrified. His furious breathing filled her ears; she couldn't even run.

"You little bastard." He gripped his hand around her arm so tight it felt like it might fall off. He dragged her right back to that van. She didn't even fight.

As soon as they got back, he spat at her mother before landing a sharp punch to her jaw. Then, he dragged Natalie back into his car before speeding off with only her bag. He drove so fast, Nat swore she could feel the time flying by.

They made it to the airport, and he found the first plane to a random city she had never heard. She didn't even try running. The police caught him before they could even get though security.

Nat was brought back home, but it didn't feel like home. Not anymore. Her Mother didn't even look at her. No hug, no thank God you're okay. It was a cold glare like Natalie was the problem of all this. And that was the last sliver of the person her mother used to be until her father had beat it out of her.

Chapter Text

Natalie had to sit in a cold holding cell for a whole day after the whole ordeal, before her mother came and got her. They questioned her but she barely said anything. Her footsteps through the tiled police station made soft tapping noises; her duffle bag swayed at her side.

Before she left the cell area, she looked back once at her father's cell, his eyes looked full. Full of something more than rage, it looked like violence, hatred, disgust. He looked up just enough to meet her gaze, before her mother dragged her out of the police station.

That's when a larger man came into the station, he muttered something, paid full in cash and left with her father. Natalie's head snapped forward like if she looked at them too hard, her father would lunge at her and slip her throat.

The first thing her mother said hurt, it felt hollow. "You stayed silent?"

Natalie nodded just slightly that her mom could notice.

"Good."

They drove down a street that wasn't familiar, making a loop around back to their caravan. Nat walked back into their van like a ghost, trying to stay as silent as she could like that might fix everything.

-

Everything played out in Nat's head vividly, like it happened just yesterday. The plane sounded rough and loud like something might have been broken. Lottie grabbed Nat's hand, her gaze shifting to Natalie's face and her eyes gleamed with concern.

Nat didn't want to look at her.

"You're alright, breathe, you're good." Lottie's voice rang through the quiet still airplane air, the whispered words felt comforting to Nat.

Lottie didn't mind comforting Nat, or anyone. She thought it was the least she could do to someone in need. Nat thought she was a burden. Her breathing slowed, and she practically slumped onto Lottie's shoulder, shutting her eyes tight before the engines finally quieted.

Lottie stroked Nat's hair, playing with the strands with a small smile on her face. Nat's company made Lottie feel warm, like an anchor in chaotic life. It made her want to be around Nat even though Nat was messy and sharp, Lottie wanted to be around to feel that warmth.

Nat was softly breathing against Lottie's shoulder which made her stomach twist with butterflies and guilt. She didn't deserve such comfort from someone she had rejected.

Maybe after they got back and fixed everything maybe it would get better.

Lottie leaned her head against Nat's and they both fell asleep. As she dozed off, she felt like she awoke but instead she was at the hotel pool.

She walked around hesitantly, confusion dawning on her.

Natalie was there but she looked- Off. Someone she couldn't pinpoint.

Their argument played, slightly different but it felt familiar.

"What? Are you jealous or something?"

"Yes! So, what if I'm jealous? We broke up yesterday, Nat!"

That's when Nat's face turned into a mix of anger and annoyance. "Maybe you should be jealous, because I fucked Travis and not you."

Lottie's breath hitched.

"You're a fucking selfish piece of shit Lottie. I hope you know that." Nat's voice was icy, and it felt like a dagger to the heart.

"You know what? I never fucking like you in the first place? You were a freak."

"Why don't you just piss off and run away to your rich daddy."

Lottie looked around to see they were in the locker rooms at their school now.

Laura Lee was stood up, looking at her with a gaze that felt like a physical blow to her jugular. "You're disgusting, God looks down on you and frowns, I don't know why I even looked at you. You're a sinner."

Lottie couldn't breathe. She was in her house now.

Her father and her mother were discussing something in hushed voices.

"We're sending her away for good, she's a liability and insane."

Her mom chimed in. "Take her far away. Somewhere she'll be completely isolated. She's a burden."

Lottie was crying. "No, please. I don't- I'll be better I promise, I'll get better grades, I'll do anything, please."

Her father laughed at her. "You're a disappointment, a mistake, nothing will fix that."

Lottie woke up abruptly, tears streaking her face, she looked visibly distressed. Nat mumbled awake, her shirt wet with a few drops of tears.

"Shit- Lottie are you alright?" Nat blinked her eyes open just enough to see Lottie.

"Yeah- uh I'm fine." Lottie said too quickly, wiping her eyes.

"You look like you've been crying."

"Yeah- uh, can I go to the bathroom?"

Nat scooted back in her chair, letting Lottie pass through to the aisle. She kept her head down when she walked.

The bathroom was tiny, and the mirror was slightly warped, it felt weird for the occasion. Lottie looked into the mirror, her face bending just a tiny bit in the reflection, her mascara was messed up, and her eyeliner was smudged.

She turned the tap on, wetting a piece of tissue and fixing her makeup. It was a lazy fix, but it would have to do on an airplane. Turbulence suddenly hit and she stumbled a bit in that tiny cubicle, as a knock came from the door.

Lottie opened it, and her personal pilot simply gave her a small head nod, pointing back to her seat. She walked back, scooting over Nat to get there.

Natalie stared at her for a few moments like she was trying to figure something out. Lottie didn't want to look at her, like she was embarrassed.

Don't look at me. She wanted to say, she knew Nat would oblige but it would just make her more eager to find out what had happened.

"Sorry." Nat mumbled, turning away to look at the aisle of the jet, clearing her throat.

"No, it's fine." Lottie managed to say, but it wasn't fine. That dream felt so real, like it was what people were thinking in their heads. Maybe she was just a mistake, a burden that was born broken. Maybe she was a sinner, one that should be just sent back to heaven to be fixed. It wasn't true.

Half of her didn't want to believe it. The other half was already starting to.

That metallic taste coated her tongue, kind of like blood seeping into her mouth. It always made her second think everything, was this a hallucination? Am I dreaming? Who are you?

Telling her parents that though would be like bleeding out in front of a shark.

The jet shook a slight under Lottie's feet, Nat looked scared, maybe because of the turbulence or maybe for Lottie.

"Do you need your meds?" Nat whispered, just light enough for Lottie to hear.

She shook her head. "Thanks though."

Lottie swallowed hard, trying to shut her eyes and get out of this place, but all she could hear was burden, sinner, freak, selfish.

"Had a bad dream?" Nat said it in a tone that didn't sound like she was looking down on her; it sounded more like an understanding tone.

Lottie didn't respond, and Nat nodded like she understood everything.

"Yeah, thought so. I get them a lot as well, right after my dad died." Nat said it casually, but her voice sounded truthful and genuine not like that fake comforting her friends did when they didn't bother listening.

"You alright?" Nat asked, and Lottie finally faintly nodded.

How could she tell Nat that she was in her dream, calling her a freak, selfish and a piece of shit. What if she did tell her, and she agreed.

"Yeah, just a little shaken." Lottie spoke but her breath hitched. Nat nodded but she didn't look convinced. She didn't push any further.

Lottie just sat there, back pressed firmly against the comfy chair of the private jet, but she felt like she was free falling. Like she hall fallen back first off, a giant building. Her heart was beating, and her head was ringing with the familiar pain of a headache.

"God..." Lottie mumbled, shutting her eyes tight again. She wanted to drown everything out but the hammering in her head got louder, fiercer.

"Nat- Do you have any Panadol?" Lottie managed to say but her voice sounded quiet and strained.

"Oh, uh." Nat scrambled through her bag under her chair.

"No, sorry. Maybe Misty will have some."

Lottie immediately shook her head. "No- It's fine."

Natalie looked like she was thinking, her eyes flickered with thought for just a moment before she stood up.

She walked over to Misty's seat. "Hey Misty. I have like the worst headache, do you have anything?" She said it loud enough for Lottie to hear.

"Of course! Would you like Panamax? Nurofen? Aspirin? or just Panadol." Misty was already searching through her small medicine pouch.

"Panadol is just fine." Nat said, glancing back at Lottie who barely looked at her.

"Sure, here." Misty handed it to Nat, 2 half green and half white pills that looked alien in her palm. She walked towards Lottie who looked relieved.

"Thank you." Lottie took them from Nat, her face a tad bit less pale than before. She swallowed the pills with practiced precision like she'd done it a thousand times.

Lottie smiled at Nat, which made Nat's heart drop to her stomach, filled with a feeling of radiance something similar to warmth.

Nat looked away quickly, something she did when it got awkward. Suddenly the back of the seat in front of her looked extra interesting, she didn't want to look at Lottie's stupidly heartfelt face, or her pretty deep brown eyes, or her perfect nose and perfect teeth. She didn't want to look at anyone else's stupid face or teeth, it was Lottie.

She liked Lottie a lot, maybe in a platonic way, or maybe in something more. She couldn't even look at Lottie right now, how the hell would she survive moving in with her. Reality hit her like a truck.

She would have to live with Lottie for heaven knows how long. God. It's a free apartment but how would she stand to live in Lottie's presence 24/7, what if something went wrong? She wouldn't have any sister's place to crash at, or any parent's place either. It wasn't any different from being on a soccer team together, they all have pretty much seen each other dress and undress and they're always at each other's place.

But Lottie was different. She was, well Lottie. She could notice things that normal people couldn't like she was psychic or something. It kind of spooked Natalie out, but Lottie was Lottie.

She could pick up on when Nat was acting weird or when Nat wanted to be alone. Like some secret telepath. Nat hoped that she could tell with everyone and she wasn't just a weirdly obvious person.

But Lottie was also weird, she always looked like she was gazing off into the void and beyond, or like she wanted to pass out. Nat could never tell what Lottie was thinking, she was incredibly hard to read. How the hell would she survive living with an unreadable telepath.

-

Monday, the first day of winter break:

Lottie was packing her bags, for the 2 weeks she would be institutionalised. She was dreading it. Packing for it felt like a promise, each item felt like a confirmation that she would go. Every step she took felt like she had weights connected to her ankles. Nat called her mid packing.

She picked up out of instinct.

N: "Hey! Lottie."

L: "Hi"

N: "Packing already? I thought you were going in 2 hours?"

L: "Nat. I'm already 12 hours late, I was supposed to pack yesterday. But you kept me up for God knows how long."

N: "Sorry, I just needed to know the address for the place."

L: "Alright, alright... Did you start packing your room up?"

N: "Uhm, I was supposed to pack my room up?"

N: "You mean my 3 belongings?"

L: "Nat. You were supposed to box all your stuff up."

N: "Sorry, forgot. We just got back from California. I'm jetlagged as hell."

N: "I swear I'll start packing tomorrow."

N: "Talking about the future... Can we still be ice skating? With the whole team."

L: "Of course. But maybe take some lessons so you don't fall."

N: "Wow... Princess Lottie is asking me to take lessons?"

Natalie could hear Lottie's low laugh on the other end of the call.

L: "Go get a job or something! You need cash, and I need to leave."

N: "Fine, I'll let you go. This time."

Lottie laughed again before hanging up.

Her parents were actually home, once in a blue moon appearance. But they were only here to make sure Lottie didn't run off again. The van outside Lottie's window honked; Lottie collected her things and walked down her stairs.

"Bye Lottie." Her mother would say but her voice was hollow.

"Don't pull anything. You know what'll happen." Her father's voice was low in the type of voice he used to 'friendly encourage' Lottie.

The van shut behind her, and it made her jump at the noise. The person in the front seat didn't speak, they just drove. Lottie didn't know if it was the same guy from last time, or maybe it was a new one, but from the way the guy sat in his chair it seemed like they were the same.

Lottie didn't really move; she sat almost completely still in the back seat like a gun was being pointed at her head. The guy in the front seat didn't move, didn't turn to look back at Lottie. He just stared at the road and blinked every so often. Lottie wondered how many people he picked up on the daily, maybe she was the only one.

The van stopped at the familiar white building, in the middle of the countryside after a long drive Lottie couldn't fully remember.

"Out." The driver said.

Lottie opened the van door, walking out hesitantly with her bag. As someone escorted her in, taking her bags and belongings.

_______________________________________

The two weeks flew by quietly, like a peaceful melody played in your ear. Natalie had pretty much forgotten what day it was, and what time it was. She hadn't packed jack shit.

That's when she remembered. She checked the date on her phone, calculating the days before getting up off her bed with a muffled "Shit."

Lottie called her as soon as she got out.

Nat saw it straight away but let it ring a few times before answering to make her seem busy.

N: "Hey! Lottie..."

L: "I just got out, you all packed?"

N: "Yeah, about that."

L: "Nat. Don't tell me you didn't start packing."

N: "..."

L: "Natalie!"

N: "I'm halfway done! Progress is slow okay?"

L: "Natalie. You had two weeks!"

L: "What in God's name were you doing?"

Natalie cleared her throat. N: "Sleeping."

L: "Oh, my, God. We're hopeless"

N: "Fine! I'll start packing now. Besides it takes you like an hour to get here."

L: "If you couldn't pack in 2 weeks what makes you think you can pack in an hour."

N: "Good point."

L: "Natalie, I'll come help you pack alright? Just stay there and somewhat start."

Lottie hung up, while Nat groaned at the sight of her messy room.

She started shoving old clothes and belongings into her bag, she tried to fold them up but ended up giving up because it took too long. She packed clothing, her Walkman, some cassette tapes and some of her weird room decor, like the scrabble tiles she stole from her English teacher's room that spelt out "Bitch" on her shelf.

She also packed her rolled up poster of the backstreet boys that Jackie gave her, and the candle that Lottie gave her in junior year.

After she was done, she had two messy bags of stuff she didn't know she had. 1 duffle bag of clothing and posters, another backpack with decor.

Lottie popped in, helping her clean out her old room, and taking her to the actual place.

__________________________________________

Authors Note:

Thank you all so much for the 1000 hits on ao3 and the 18 kudos I've received. I'm so grateful for everything you guys give. I hope you enjoyed the chapter, have an amazing day and stay very gay :)

Chapter Text

When they got into the car, Lottie seemed quieter than usual, music playing louder then it needed to.

"Where are we going? I've never been here before." Nat was peering out of the window, trying to recognise any landmarks.

"The outskirts of town." Lottie murmured, her voice almost drowned out by the music.

"Yeah, but this place doesn't have any apartments. Are you kidnapping me or something?"

Lottie laughed but it sounded tense. "We're almost there, you'll see."

Lottie turned the corner to a small corner of the road, and a house appeared in sight. "We're here."

Natalie looked up from the passenger seat. "Woah, this isn't an apartment" Natalie was already opening the car door.

"You're crazy... Lottie, you got this place?" Nat was walking to the front of the house.

"Just got it, renting for the first year." Lottie added, opening the trunk of the car and dragging out their bags.

"Pet friendly too." Lottie walked over, opening the front door to a medium sized, comfortable house.

"Damn, Lottie." Nat walked in in absolute awe.

"Your rooms upstairs. Here." Lottie gave Nat her bag, walking her up the stairs.

It was fully furnished and neat. "Lottie I fucking love you." Nat said jumping onto her bed with a soft thump.

Lottie lightly chuckled. "You're very welcome." She dangled the spare keys she had gotten in front of her face. "And here are your keys."

Nat stood up to grab the keys before hugging Lottie tight enough to make Lottie freeze. "Thank you so much Lottie."

Lottie wrapped her arms around Nat with a warm smile. "You're welcome." She repeated.

_

The first afternoon in the new place, Nat was finishing unpacking her room. They both agreed that they wouldn't walk into each other's room until they were finished unpacking, so they could reveal it to each other. Nat thought it was kind of lame, but Lottie insisted on doing it for 'funsies'.

Nat's room was an organised mess. It had a few posters on the wall above her desk and a singular cactus on her nightstand. The candles and dumb scrabble tiles sat in a muddled mess on her desk.

Lottie walked in with her palms over her eyes. "You done yet?"

"No! This is the 4th time Lottie."

Lottie sighed. "I know but I've finished like an hour ago and I have more stuff than you."

"Fine. Here, look." Lottie felt Nat's fingers curl around her wrists, pulling her hands off of her face.

"Tada, what a messy masterpiece." Nat made jazz hands dramatically around her desk.

"Awe, Nat. It's adorable."

"Don't lie" Nat rolled her eyes playfully.

"No, really it's cute. Like a cozy clutter of things."

"Spot on."

_

The two laughed for a while before ordering some takeout and eating on the floor of Nat's room. Nat was practically stuffed under her desk, eating her Chinese takeout.

"Are you sure you want to sit there? You look like an uncomfortable ball."

"Not exactly, but you're sat right in front of me so I can't exactly choose."

"Oh- Sorry." Lottie scooted backwards, allowed Nat to come forward. Natalie continued eating, until Lottie bursted out laughing.

"What?" Nat looked around the room confused.

"No- No, It's just that. Your posture is the exact same as it was under your table."

Nat looked annoyed but a smile played on her lips. "Shut up. I can't help it okay?"

Lottie looked happy, like she was finally free from something. "Thank you, Nat."

"Hm?" Nat looked up from her noodle cup.

"For being here with me."

"You're welcome." Nat smiled, and Lottie instinctively leaned forward, their face's almost touching.

Lottie moved back before anything happened though. She always did. "Sorry."

"No, it's fine."

They ate in silence after that.

_

Days turned into weeks then months of moving in with each other, Nat had found a job as a part time bartender. While Lottie found a job as a retail worker at a bookstore, a block from Nat's bar job. Sometimes Lottie would visit while Nat was working, and sometimes Nat would have late shifts and not come home until 12.

But still, that weird close pausing thing would happen when either one of them would lean in close then back away with a mumbled apology. Sometimes their noses would touch, or their hands would graze each other's. It wasn't anything romantic. At least they wanted it to be.

On a normal Wednesday, Nat was working late. It wasn't a very busy night and most people who came in were old men who occasionally hit on her. She was 18 but the men didn't seem to care.

She felt stupid in her white blouse and little black bow tie. She hated the outfit, but money was money. Lottie would always fix her bow tie before she left the house, smiling wide, she always thought the outfit was cute on Nat.

That's when a group of girls came in, they looked like they were about the same age as Nat maybe 19 or 20. One girl caught her eye though, the blue hair and- Oh my god. It was Trisha.

She had totally ghosted her and her she was in a pretty black dress all glammed up, a smirk clung to her face. Their eyes met across the room, Nat's stunned eyes and Trisha's frozen expression said it all. The towel on Nat's shoulder slipped, making a quiet plop noise on the tiled bar floor. Trisha didn't look away but Nat did.

Nat wanted to run and die, but Trisha approached her with a neutral expression that Nat couldn't see through. "Hey, Nat."

Natalie stammered. "Hey- Trisha..."

"Wow, you remembered my name." Trisha's voice seemed tinged with and icy edge to it. "Thought you forgot about me."

"No- I got busy. Things happened, and before I knew it, I was moving."

"No, I get it. Life moves fast; you just have to move faster." Trisha's hand rested on the bar counter, as she leaned on it. She slid into the seat in front of Nat.

"Pour me a drink, bartender." Trisha rested her elbows on the table, her head sitting on her hands.

"What would you like?" Nat spun a bottle of simple syrup around her hand.

"Scotch on the rocks please." Trisha licked the corner of her mouth, watching Nat pour her drink.

"You drinking to forget?" Nat raised a brow.

"Yeah, you can say so."

"Here you go." Nat slid it across the table, the liquid inside sloshing around.

"Thanks, open a tab for me please."

"I got you."

The night seemed to stretch on for a while, Trisha ordering a few more drinks before Nat finally got on break. She was busy finishing wiping the tables for her break before looking up to see Trisha smiling a wide smile.

"On break already?" Trisha asked.

"Yeah, finally."

"Awe, but I wanted the hot bartended to pour me another drink." Trisha smiled wider, tracing circles on the surface of the bar counter that Nat just wiped.

Nat turned bright red.

"I think you're drunk."

"No, you just look cute in that uniform." Trisha spoke, her words slightly slurred but she didn't seem that drunk.

Trisha stood up, glancing back at Natalie with a small wink, before walking off. Something told Natalie to follow her. Trisha was standing near bathrooms of the bar, where it was so empty she could hear the faint chatter and music to the right of her.

When Trisha saw her, she smiled. "I was hoping you would follow me."

Nat was still flushed as hell and blushing like a red tomato. Trisha fixed up Nat's bowtie, her fingers lingering at Natalie's neck just for a beat. Nat rested her hand on Trisha's waist naturally, not thinking much about it, the satin of her black dress felt smooth and cool against Nat's palm.

"You look so hot right now." Trisha managed to mumble under her breath.

"Kiss me then." Nat said it quickly, without thinking at all.

Trisha intertwined her fingers behind Nat's neck, pulling her forward with their noses almost touching. Nat turned her head sideways, as their lips met, she could feel Trisha's mouth pressing against hers, rough and needy. Their tongues collided and teeth crashed, Nat could feel Trisha's hands tracing all over her body, pulling her forward against her.

Nat broke the kiss, panting out of breath. Trisha looked at Nat's face and her fast-rising chest. Nat pulled her back in against her and threaded her fingers into Trisha's hair, tugging softly.

Oh my god, she smelt like scotch and smoky perfume. Trisha's hand fell to Nat's waist, then down to her thigh. She rubbed her thumb against Nat's Thigh, her nails gripping into Nat's bartender pants. Nat let out a small gasp.

_

Lottie had pretty much been at the bar the whole day, she was sitting in the corner at a busier side of the bar, staring at how Trisha looked at Nat. Fuck.

It felt like someone was stabbing at Lottie's stomach. Her heart dropped so far, she thought it might fall out of her body. Lottie picked up her phone, clicking on Nat's contact and typing a simple message.

[LOTTIE:)] I'll be home late, staying at Tai's.

Lottie could see the way Nat followed after her. The way their mouths collided, the way they lips fit so perfect in each other's. It hurt. Nat and Lottie weren't dating. They never were. So why did it hurt so much

_

Nat got home late, around 1:00. She opened the door with her key before walking in as quiet and possible. But still, before she could walk up the stairs, Lottie was already up at the top.

Nat was still looking down at her phone, reading Lottie's message. When she finally looked back up, Lottie was stood there, her tall figure ominously looking down at her. "Shit! Lottie- You scared me."

"Sorry." Lottie mumbled, walking down a few stairs to get a better look at Nat.

Nat's hair was messy, her lip-gloss was messed up, and her bowtie was completely crooked.

"What- Where were you, why were you out so late? How did you get home?" Lottie touched Nat's collar, but Nat flinched away just slightly.

"I was out with friends. Sorry for waking you." Nat tried pushing past Lottie to get back upstairs.

"Natalie." Lottie's voice turned stern.

Nat froze.

"Your makeup is messed up, your hair is a mess, and your bowtie is practically hanging on by a thread."

"Your point is?" Nat said it too fast and too sharp.

Lottie sighed, a long-tired sigh like she had given up, it made Nat's heart stop.

"Im- I'm sorry. That was rude. I was busy at the bar." Nat's tone came soft.

"You sure were." Lottie muttered, letting Nat past.

"What?" Natalie turned around, and it was too dark to see her expression.

"I know you were with Trisha."

Nat's whole body froze like the blood in her veins were frozen over. "What." She repeated, this time it was tinged with concern.

Lottie didn't repeat it. The name was said, and it was enough to make Natalie regret it.

"No- Lottie you've got the wrong idea. It wasn't like that." Nat quickly said, too quickly.

"Don't lie to me." Lottie's voice didn't seem cold anymore it felt tired.

"Why do you care?" Nat switched, her tone now annoyed.

"I don't." Lottie got defensive, crossing her arms against her chest.

"You do." Nat pressed, she had stopped trying to push past Lottie now, she was finally looking at Lottie, and for once she was readable. She looked nervous and her hands shook just enough for Natalie to pick up on it.

"You're getting defensive." Nat pressed again.

"I'm not." Lottie hissed, her voice stayed quiet, but she sounded angry. Not something Nat had ever heard from Lottie especially not directed at her.

"You are. What the hell are you so angry for?" The words came too fast for Nat to stop them. They sounded like her dad's voice, like she was some twisted version of him.

"What?" Lottie stopped. The walls she built so high tumbled.

Nat didn't repeat it. It felt too hurtful to say again.

"Say it again. Say it with your fucking chest Natalie." Lottie stepped down another step, to where Nat was just a step below her.

"I said. Fucking repeat it." Lottie looked like she could kill Nat right there and then. It was barely a press, but Lottie looked like Nat had just offended her whole bloodline. Maybe it was the new meds she was on or maybe it was the absent crater of the numbness she used to feel.

Nat shrunk back immediately, eyes wide with the type of terror you could feel through your veins. She looked horrified, like someone was holding a gun to her head. Lottie could see it. The way her eyes shook with pure fear than consumed Nat's body, the way her hands went limp to the sides of her body, the way her shoulders stiffened in a defensive position.

Lottie noticed. She always noticed.

Lottie breathed hard. It was what she did when she felt she did something horribly wrong, in some way, she did.

"Nat- Oh shit- I'm-" Lottie stammered but Nat was already backing away, her eyes still full of that same fear Lottie saw before.

Nat's mind was quiet, for once she had no sharp comeback or aggressive tone, she was quiet. And that's what hurt. For once, Lottie looked like she had grown horns, or like she might punch her. She looked like her dad.

"No- Nat- I'm so sorry. Please- I'm- I'll explain." Lottie pleaded hard. But Natalie looked terrified, she was already headed for the door.

"No- Please, don't- Don't leave. Please- I'm sorry, I'm sorry- I love you. No please." Lottie felt tears well her eyes. The door shut with a click. Lottie dropped to the floor at the top of the stairs, sobbing. Her sobs shook her whole body.

She grabbed the pill bottle from her pocket, the orange bottle in the dimmed light made her madder. She threw it across the room with shaky hands.

"Stupid fucking Lottie. Dumb- Oh my God. Lottie, please- Insane freak." Lottie's voice was raw from sobbing, and her words were just her thoughts being spilled out. Her dad was right. She was a fucking mistake.

_

Chapter Text

Natalie didn't show up the next morning, or the next, or the day after that. Lottie guessed she was at Van's but didn't bother asking. Lottie wasn't feeling alright at the moment either, she was horrified at herself and refused to talk to anyone or even look in the mirror. The new pills sat neatly on her coffee table, collecting dust. She hadn't opened them since.

Lottie was exhausted, every night when she closed her eyes all she could see was herself, in the mirror with her face contorting into something she didn't want to think about and Nat's terrified face in the dim moonlight. Every time she sat awake in a room, she could feel things looking at her, like they were looking down at her. Maybe that was what Laura Lee was talking about before she left her.

Lottie stopped going to clinics, stopped going to therapy, stopped seeing anyone, stopped eating, stopped sleeping and she looked horrible. She was just tired, tired of everyone. She felt alien in her own skin like someone had planted her in like a cruel joke she couldn't prove. She was slowly driving herself insane in her isolation. Tai tried calling, Lottie just let it ring. Jackie called about going to some winter fest, Lottie couldn't bring herself near the phone.

Nat never called in the past 3 days. Maybe if that screen had lit up with Nat's name Lottie would go back to normal, live life like she always had. But no calls ever came.

That argument at nationals was Lottie's last chance. And Lottie knew it. She had messed up so bad that she would rather die than face Nat.

Van called once, it rang for 2 seconds before the call hung up from the other end of the line. Lottie thought that maybe it was Nat, but she didn't want to talk to her.

What if that dream was right?

Nat thought she was a freak. Unlovable.

There was no part of her that didn't believe it.

The dream was right.

_

Another day passed and Lottie was basically withering away in the empty space that Nat once occupied. Lottie had stopped hoping Nat would call, if the call ever came would she even pick up? Maybe Nat didn't want to call her, maybe she was occupied by Trisha's stupid face.

That's when something clicked in Lottie's broken mind.

California.

The place she met Trisha was never in California.

Trisha never lived in California, but when she spoke with Nat, she told her she had lived in California for practically her whole life.

What was Trisha doing in California?

Maybe it was the lack of sleep that was slowly driving her insane or maybe it was the lack of Natalie she had in her life, but something was off.

It made Lottie's throat dry and wanted to make her throw up.

Why was Trisha working at that bookstore?

She hated books.

If Trisha was really just a big psycho, why would she find Lottie?

That's when it hit her.

_

Trisha and Lottie were hanging out at their secret spot at the outside corner of the church. Lottie was going away for a few days, another clinic or workshop she had to attend, and she was telling Trisha about it.

But that day when she had to leave, she was running completely late, and the Van had left without her. To stop her dad from finding out, she walked to Tai's house and stayed there for the 3 days.

Taissa and Lottie were watching a movie together, some scary movie when Trisha had texted her. Lottie didn't pay much attention to it because she was busy with the movie.

The text was almost an accusation that Lottie didn't even read.

[TRISH]: Where are you Lottie?

[TRISH]: Who the fuck are you with?

Trisha had saw Tai's post about them hanging out and gotten the wrong idea completely. Thinking about what Lottie said about the clinic and everything they did there she was pissed and thought that Lottie was some psycho lying freak.

After Lottie didn't reply to the messages, Trisha deleted them and ghosted Lottie completely. Lottie just thought Trisha was being a bitch.

The pieced all moved into place in Lottie's mind, and once she realised it was some dumb revenge plot she wanted to kill Trisha.

Who the fuck comes back to ruin a relationship after 2 years of not talking?

But it wasn't fully Trisha's fault, Lottie felt horrible for what she did, it wasn't okay and she can't just blame it all on her meds. That was her last chance, and she'd wasted it on some argument.

_

The next morning, the door rang. Lottie looked out of the peep hole to see Van.

She opened the door hesitantly, like Van might spring out and maul her to death.

"Hey- Lottie." Van said but her tone seemed nervous and awkward.

Lottie didn't speak, she examined Van, trying to figure out what she wanted.

"Nat needed something from her room, can I go get it?"

Lottie swallowed the emotions down her throat. She could be petty and tell Van to piss off and get Nat here to grab her own things, or she could let her in and loose Nat completely.

She chose the first option. "If Nat needs her things, she can get them herself." And with that, she shut the door.

Lottie looked frail like she had lost 5 kg, and she could see the was Van's eyes were filled with concern. She didn't care though. The thing she needed the most was to tell Nat everything, and hope everything would be normal again. But nothing would be normal again because Lottie had completely messed it up and there was no going back after that.

2 hours later the door handle spun open, revealing Nat with a key in her hand. Lottie noticed immediately at how Nat looked; she looked- Fine.

Almost normal, except for the way her eye twitched just so slightly every time she blinked. She didn't acknowledge Lottie who was curled up on the couch, she just walked up the stairs to her room.

Nat was getting her stuff, mostly just her Walkman, phone and necessities. When she turned to leave Lottie was behind her, watching her with a pleading expression. "Wait- Nat- I need to tell you something"

Natalie was already speed walking past Lottie trying to get to the door. "It's important- Please just listen." Lottie's voice was different; it was desperate pleading that Nat had never heard before like an animal's wails in the night. "Please Nat, I can tell you everything-"

Nat finally stopped walking, her back turned to Lottie. And Lottie felt like bubble of hope in her chest.

"No." Nat's voice was cold and hollow.

"What-"

"I said, no."

"I- I need to talk, I found something out- It'll explain everything, please just 5 minutes, I'll-"

"No. I told you, I don't want to talk. I just need my stuff and I'll leave."

"Wait- But please, I need this. I need to tell-"

Natalie was already walking away to the front door, pulling it open as quick as she could before slipping out like she had never truly entered,

Lottie sat in that silence, the bubble of hope popped so fast she could barely acknowledge it.

"Please." She whispered, her voice quiet with regret.

_

That night, Lottie sat in the dark. On her couch, the pill bottle in hand. Her finger's curled so gently around the pill bottle and she read the back of it over and over again.

3 pills maximum in a day, prescribed only by medical professionals.

Do not exceed 3 pills, keep out of reach from children.

Lottie opened the bottle at stared into it. The blueish pills stared back at her. She poured out a handful and just stared at them, like they were some key to fix everything rather than being the root cause. The glass of half stale Pepsi sat next to her like a challenge.

She swallowed 2 with practised precision. Then another.

Then-

A knock startled her.

Jackie invited herself in. Lottie must have forgot to lock it when Nat left.

"Shit. Lottie, is this where you've been the past eternity?"

Lottie didn't respond, the pills sat in her hand, feeling heavier than ever. Jackie looked at Lottie, then down at the table in front of her, then at Lottie's pill filled hand.

"What are you-" Jackie questioned, stepping closer.

"I'm fine, if you're asking. I'm just tired."

Jackie nodded but she her gaze didn't waver.

"Do you want to go out for dinner? Get something, you look wrecked."

"No, it's fine. I want to be alone." Lottie said with a half-hearted smile on her face. But something in her voice sounded like she might do something terrible.

"Are you sure you don't want anything? You don't need any food, help, anything?"

Lottie shook her head, that smile still stuck to her face.

Jackie didn't say anything else, she nodded slowly.

"You missed the team party y'know, the one celebrating the end of the YellowJackets."

"I know." Lottie nodded.

Jackie gave her one last glance before walking back out of the half-shut door. And Lottie smiled at her, for the first time in ages, Lottie didn't mean that smile.

_

As soon as Jackie got back into her car, she called Nat. She wasn't completely stupid, Lottie looked like she could so something she would regret, and Nat was the only one Jackie knew could help.

The idle buzz of the phone dialling made Jackie more anxious by the second.

On the second call, Nat picked up.

"Jackie? What's up?"

"Uhm, hi Nat. I think there's something off about Lottie."

"Not this again, I don't want to talk about Lottie, if that's all you want to say then I'm hanging up."

"No- There was something wrong, she was sitting in the dark like some emo kid, and she had a bunch of pills in her hand."

Natalie's side of the line went completely silent.

"Nat?"

"Where are you?"

"Huh?"

"Are you at Lottie's place?"

"Yeah, right now."

"Then why aren't you stopping her?! Jackie, do you understand what the hell she'll do?!"

Jackie could here rustling from the other end of the line.

"I'm coming there now, don't wait for me. Go back inside"

The call cut off, and Jackie sat in her car for a few seconds trying to take in the gravity of the situation. She finally got out of her car to run back inside the house. The door was locked from the inside, Jackie couldn't get in.

"Lottie! Let me in!"

Nothing.

"Lottie! I know you're in there!"

Jackie could hear the faintest sob, from the other side of the door, so quiet she almost missed it completely. Her mind was screaming to kick the door or something, but she felt useless.

"Lottie! Please just open the door!"

Silence.

Van's car pulled into the driveway, Nat came out in a rush, fear turning her face a sickly white. "Lottie!" She was trying to unlock the door, but her hands shook horribly.

"I'm coming in, please stop!"

The door was unlocked but she could feel something blocking the door, like a heavy body.

"Lottie! Please, just let us help!"

Lottie was leaning against the door, keeping it firmly shut. She didn't want them to see her in such a mess. She was a wreck, and she was probably going to die from how many anti-psychotics she took.

She felt dizzy already. Like how she felt when she stood up too fast. Then she started to see black dots drifting across her vision. She felt weaker, like her legs were giving in.

Nat slammed her shoulder into the door, and Lottie almost toppled over.

The door opened just a tad; Lottie was slumped over herself on the floor in front of the door.

A pill bottle rolled out, it was almost empty. It only had a handful of pills in it.

"Lottie- Please! Move!" Jackie called from behind Nat.

But Lottie couldn't move, she was slumped over, half conscious and she felt like she was dying.

Bile rose in her throat and she felt like she couldn't breathe. Her eye lids felt too heavy, while tears streamed down her face.

"Please! Lottie, let us help!" Jackie kept calling out, but it sounded distant to Lottie.

Nat finally got the door open enough to where she could just squeeze through. Jackie followed soon after. Seeing Lottie's slumped over body made Nat panic, tears came fast.

"Oh my god- Lottie. Please get up." Nat shook Lottie's limp head, lifting her chin up to examine her face.

"Jackie! Call someone! Please!" Nat's voice faded away as Lottie slipped unconscious.

_

"Lottie! Please! Wake up- No, no, no." Nat was shaking Lottie by the shoulders, as Jackie dialled emergency services.

"Please. Lottie don't die on me." Nat's voice was breaking each time she spoke, she was crying so hard, tears dripped onto the floor below her.

Lottie felt limp and unresponsive, and Nat was terrified. "Lottie- Don't- Please, wake up. I'm begging you."

Nat was trying her best to hold it together. "No! You're dying on me- Lottie!"

Sirens screamed from outside the house, but Nat didn't look outside, she held Lottie's limp face in her hands. "Please, please don't leave, I need you, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! Don't die on me- I can't let you die!" Nat pleaded so hard, her lungs burned.

Jackie looked scared. She looked pale and she was frantically typing something on her phone.

It was no use; Lottie wasn't waking up.

Paramedics ran into the house, their heavy boots thumping against the wooden floors.

Nat stayed there until Lottie was put into the ambulance and driven away.

Jackie and Nat sat in silence, and Nat cried into Jackie's arms, and Jackie didn't move or stop holding her.

___________________________________

To be continued.

Chapter Text

The ambulance wailed and the sirens grew distant, Nat cried so hard, Jackie's sleeve was covering in Nat's tears. "I didn't mean it. Please believe me."

Jackie patted her back, but she had no idea what to do. So, she texted Van.

Nat was sobbing so much, she was hyperventilating fast. Natalie didn't know how long she was there crying for until Van came running down the street, out of breath.

She ran in and she looked confused at the scene. "Sorry I'm late- Nat took my car. Had to run."

Natalie didn't even look up.

"Nat? Are you good? Where's Lottie?"

Jackie shook her head rapidly, trying to get Van to shut up. Nat just shifted a little closer into Jackie's arms, trying to use Jackie to hide herself.

"Van- Just, sit down and help. I can't comfort people for shit." Jackie pulled her tear-stained arm away to grab a glass of water. Van sat hesitantly on the couch.

"What happened?"

Silence.

"You don't want to tell me?"

"She's dying."

"Oh- Uh. What?"

"Van. I swear to God, I texted you about this!" Jackie called out from the kitchen.

"Shit- Yeah. Forgot, didn't check since- Y'know no texting while driving..."

"Van. You ran here."

"Shit-" Van muttered.

Nat stifled a small laugh.

Van was trying to read the messages as fast as she could. "Oh... That's bad"

"That's why I called you. So go do your job!" Jackie was peeking into all the cabinets, with a confused expression.

"You broke up with Lottie and then she tried to die?"

"What? No." Nat managed to say, but she said it so fast she almost sat straight up.

"Oh- Then did you kill her?"

"What?!" Nat's head snapped to look at Van, who was reading the messages on her phone, her face progressively getting more concerned.

"Oh, never mind. Wrong message thread."

"What the fuck did you send her Jackie?!" Nat looked angry, like she could punch Jackie's head off.

"Sorry! I was confused, okay?" Jackie put her hands up in surrender. "Oh, and Nat- Where the hell is your kettle?"

Nat almost laughed, a smile forming on her face, though she tried to hide it. "I didn't buy one. I just microwave my water."

"No way. You're being serious?" Van looked at Nat like she had just confessed to a crime. Nat nodded.

"I doubt Lottie wouldn't freak out about that; she needs an appliance for everything." Jackie added.

"Lottie just boils her water on the stove and glares at me for not investing in a stupid barely used kettle."

"You're insane Nat." Jackie shook her head in exaggerated disbelief before opening the microwave to boil her water.

"Don't follow after her! That's criminal!" Van called out from the couch, laughing her ass off.

"Shut up! I want my fucking tea!" Jackie shouted back.

______________________________________

Van, Nat and Jackie played some silly board game Van had run back to get from her house. It was some weird game Van said was a 'classic' even though they couldn't even decipher the name from how beat up the box was.

"It's Tai's favourite alright! Not my fault she likes weird games." Van protested, as Jackie moved her piece a few bits forward.

"Where'd you even find this from... Spain?" Jackie rolled the dice once more, before Van snatched it out of her hand.

"Hey! It's my turn. Read the damn rules"

"Oh piss off." Jackie chucked the rule paper at Van. "Of course you kept Tai's favourite game..." Jackie muttered and Nat kicked her under the table.

"Ow!" Jackie hissed.

Nat tried not to think of Lottie. Not after everything. And it was sort of working; she was having some fun with Van's weird ass game and Jackie's sharp comebacks.

Jackie picked up a card that read "Go all the way back to the start."

"Ok. What the fuck is this rigged game!" Jackie threw the card at Van.

"Wait what did it say- Oh, I know what card you got." Van was cackling now, already reaching for Jackie's piece on the board.

"Theres no way you got the 'go back to start' card. That's like a one in a million chance." Nat was smiling.

"Oh, be quiet, oh my god. You guys are insufferable. I'm not playing this stupid game." Jackie stood up from the table, walking over to the couch.

"Someone's a sore loser." Van mumbled, packing the game away.

"Piss off!" Jackie shouted from the couch.

And for the first time in ages, Nat felt full again. Maybe not completely full without Lottie, but she was almost there.

__________________________________________

The day after tomorrow, the 3 went to go visit Lottie in the hospital, Nat brought the flowers that she actually paid a good buck for, some pretty seasonal fresh flower bunch rather than some plastic muck. Before the doctor let them in, she warned them that Lottie wasn't in the best shape, and was in liver failure, meaning that she didn't look the best and it might hurt to see her.

She let Nat in first, because that who Lottie was asking about for the past few days, and occasionally about Jackie.

Nat walked in sheepishly with the flowers in hand, for the first time not wearing any sort of eyeliner. Lottie looked rough, hooked up to so many machines and things, it spooked Nat. Her skin had that slight yellowish tint to it and Lottie's eyes looked like they had seen things Natalie couldn't even imagine.

"Hey, Nat. You came to visit." Lottie's voice sounded like she was screaming for days straight, or like she hadn't talked for days straight.

"Lottie, fuck- Uhm. This is really fucking lame." Nat put the flowers onto the bedside table, scooting the barely touched lunch tray to the edge of the table.

"No, it's cute." Lottie's familiar line rang in Nat's ears, the day before the big argument, Lottie fixing her bowtie. Nat looked like she could puke or cry.

"Sorry." Nat finally said, finally snapping out of her daze.

"No, sit." Lottie glanced over to the chair besides her bed. Nat obeyed.

The chair felt sterile and uncomfortable. It felt weird, everything around her felt weird, like it was wrong. Maybe it was her fault. What she did was wrong, but she didn't want to take it back because even though she felt guilty, so guilty she could feel it in her stomach when she thought of Lottie, so guilty it felt like it would kill her to ever see Lottie again, she was scared, and being scared of something makes you do crazy things.

"Please, Nat. Talk to me." Lottie sat up just slightly in her hospital bed, her body looked stiff, and her arms shook when she applied pressure to them.

Though Lottie looked tired and horribly sick, her expression stayed gentle and compassionate, she was in liver failure, but she didn't look confused, not like a normal sick person did.

"You missed out on a bit, not too much though, Jackie, Van and I played board games at our place and tried to forget about what happened."

Lottie let out a weak laugh. "Wow, sounds interesting."

"Jackie complained about our kettle or lack thereof."

"I told you we needed a kettle."

"Oh, shut up, I learned a valuable lesson that day."

"And what was it?"

"Don't let Jackie drink tea at our house."

Lottie laughed but it sounded tired. "Yeah, fair enough."

Natalie smiled. "You look really sick, I would hug you, but I might fuck up the machines."

"Yeah, it might be for the best."

Jackie and Van walked in with nervous expressions. Before sighing dramatically. Van held her hand out towards Jackie. "Pay up, 10 dollars."

"Oh, come on." Jackie pulled out a few crumpled bills from her pockets pushing them into Van's hand.

Nat looked at the two with an all-knowing face. "What was the bet about now?"

"Van said that she thought you guys made up or made out. I said you guys are probably arguing."

Lottie smiled. "Smart bet."

"The hospital was boring, and we needed to pass the time somehow. Who knew that hospitals could be so boring."

"Jackie, maybe it's deliberate so that they don't have to serve dumbasses like you." Van laughed, sitting in the seta besides Nat.

"Wow... I'm the dumbass? You called a stethoscope a rectum opener." Jackie rolled her eyes, trying not to chuckle.

Nat shook her head. "You guys are so fucking weird."

The 4 laughed, before giving their gifts and cards to Lottie and leaving. Nat stayed behind though, sitting in that same seat she was in at the start.

"Lottie," Nat paused.

"Yes Nat?"

"Just don't die on me alright?" Nat smiled, before walking out.

"I don't plan to." Lottie spoke but the door shut halfway through her sentence.

__________________________________________

Time moved slow after that, Jackie pretty much roomed in with Nat after the initial situation because Nat didn't want to be alone in that house.

She had moved back into her and Lottie's house, but it felt quieter with Jackie around, empty. She visited Lottie a few times alone after that, but seeing Lottie's body deteriorating made her cry back into Jackie every time. Each visit she took, the doctors told her Lottie was getting better and making progress but whenever she looked at Lottie, the confusion in her eyes only spread further, her skin turning a sick jaundice yellow.

Nurses occasionally passed through the room when Nat was there, always there to collect the barely touched tray of food on Lottie's bedside table. Natalie felt the worst she had felt in years, because her friend was withering away in front of her, and it was her fault.

Jackie would sometimes catch her crying in her room and slip in to reassure her that Lottie would be okay, and that it wasn't her fault at all. But it always felt untrue, like the words had no meaning anymore.

One particular visit to the hospital hurt the most. It was the day that caused everything, when Nat first spoke to Lottie properly. Nat was stupidly smoking in the beat-up auditorium bathrooms and Lottie were there looking into the abyss. The first time Nat really felt something for Lottie, whether it was annoyance or pity, she felt something.

Jackie had dropped her off to the hospital, promising to wait outside for her.

She walked in and the lady at the reception recognised her immediately. "Room 24?"

Natalie just nodded. The lady pointed over to the hallway that led up to the rooms, and Nat barely looked at her before walking off.

She knocked on the hospital room door, not like Lottie would get up and open it though. She twisted the doorknob, quietly stepping inside trying not to be too loud in case Lottie was asleep or something.

But when she walked in Lottie was wide awake and sitting upright in her bed. Nat looked a little startled when she saw her. "Hey- Lottie."

"Hi" Lottie muttered, the blankets finally off of her, revealing her skinny frame. Nat's eyes looked like something had broken in them. She looked worse than ever, and Nat wanted to cry right there, but crying there wouldn't solve anything. Wouldn't solve what she had done.

The confusion in Lottie's eyes looked more prominent, and it scared Nat because what if Lottie couldn't even remember anything after this. What if she forgot her.

"How are you feeling?" Nat placed another card in Lottie's hospital bag that was sitting on the floor just next to Lottie's bed. The pile of cards was growing, and each one had something Nat had wrote for Lottie to read when she got better.

"Pretty shitty." Lottie chewed at the inside of her cheek.

Nat let out a chuckle, but it sounded sad. "At least you can feel something, it's good."

"How's everyone?" Lottie smiled but it looked weak.

"Great, I've been staying with Jackie for company"

"Cool, how have you been?"

"As good as I look right now."

"Then you must feel amazing." Lottie leaned back against her bedframe and Nat could see her eye bags.

"Your doctor said you should be out soon, maybe 3 days." Nat's posture was rigid against the old hospital chair.

"Mhm... I guess that's good." Lottie nodded along. "Glad you came to visit. It's our anniversary."

"What?" Nat tilted her head.

"1 year." Lottie hummed a low tune, a small smile on her face. Its broke Nat's heart. She didn't remember. They had broken up a few months back.

"Yeah. Happy anniversary." Nat responded but her voice broke a bit because of how much it hurt knowing Lottie couldn't remember everything.

"Can I get a hug at least?" Lottie tilted her head, that innocent look in her eyes just twisted the knife.

"Yeah, of course." Nat plastered on smile. Holding Lottie in a gentle hug, she held on a little longer.

"Get better soon, Lottie. I'll see in 3 days give or take." Nat collected her things to leave; she didn't want to see Lottie a second longer or it might sting worse than it already did.

"Nat?" Lottie's voice stopped her.

"I love you."

That stopped her immediately. Her throat closed up, that same lump in her throat arising.

"I- Uh- I love you too Lottie." Nat shut the door quickly before the tears ran down her face. Her eyes welled immediately after she shut the door, tears ran down her face faster than she could wipe them. The nurse looked at her with genuine understanding in her eyes. Nat speed walked out of the hospital as fast as she could. When she made it back to Jackie's car, she was crying so hard she could barely breathe.

Jackie just gave her a nod before driving the car back to their place.

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