Chapter Text
One such as me could question if I’m even a part of the team anymore.
At the very least; I question it.
I know I probably shouldn’t question it, but I just can’t help myself. My brain keeps telling my self that I don’t belong- just as an animals instinct tells them to keep going on with what they do no matter what the circumstance is.
It’s no surprise that I don’t head to the kitchen to eat as often as I used to. I don’t feel like eating anymore. The voice in the back if my head tells me that if I do; I’ll be unhealthy and unqualified for Voltron- which will then lead me to be replaced by somebody better. I don’t eat much anymore because I don’t feel like I deserve it. I feel that way because of how bad a job I do when I’m on missions. It’s like- I’m always destined to fail, no matter the situation.
Socialization with the others has become eerily scarce. I just don’t feel like leaving my room to be a burden to them because of how annoying I am. My bad memories of the past when I was in middle school constantly come back to haunt me. The other kids would say how stupid and how annoying I was- just because I couldn’t close my damn mouth. They would say I’m like a puppy dog that won’t stop barking and shoving itself at their owner just so it would get even the smallest sliver of attention- and here I thought I got over middle school. I thought I pushed these memories into the far depths of my mind. I thought I wouldn’t remember them anymore- but seeing now- I know I was very clearly wrong about my assumptions.
The other paladins asked why I don’t do those things anymore- gosh- even Keith wanted to know- which is a huge surprise to me- because I thought he didn’t care that much. Saying that I’ve been really tired lately has really just been the only ‘valid enough’ answer I have come up with that might be a little bit reasonable.
It might be partially true but even I’m not stupid enough to not know that isn’t the full story.
I don’t know when I stopped feeling like myself, but I know it wasn’t all at once, and I want help- but I don’t know where I can get it…
———
Three Galra walk out of their ship chatting to each other far enough that I can’t piece together what they’re saying.
They’re probably talking about how ‘team Voltron has done it again! They’ve completely wrecked another one of our leader’s plans.’ The thought makes me internally giggle. This would be a funny observation to tell the others right now- but I sadly can’t tell them at the moment. Would they even laugh though? Would they just do it out of pity?
The other beings grab pickaxes from the side of the mine to collect more of the minerals me and Keith are supposed to obtain.
I don’t even know what or why we are supposed to collect these materials because I zoned out starting from the beginning of our meeting yesterday. I heard little bits and pieces- but not the important stuff. Even though I did that; I am here today- and on a mission.
Taking an observant look around the surroundings of the mine, one could notice that the rock is colored of cyan blue and is glistening in the light projected onto it. I think we’re on a Balmera planet. I guess I didn’t pay too much attention to the surrounding when Keith and I flew over here in the red lion.
All I have do is to use my so called ‘sharp-shooter’ skills in order to kill our enemies properly, but can I even do that right now?
I can’t even focus clearly at the moment. My stupid mind can’t stop thinking these stupid depressing things and I constantly have to push them out. My mind keeps getting distracted from things that are unnecessary to know or it’s wanting to know unneeded information that we don’t need to have for completing the missions I go into.
The other paladins- except for red and blue- are going to come out of their lions once me and Keith eliminate these Galra that are in the way of us getting what we need.
Right now, Keith- who I most definitely do not have feelings for. Is crouched down next to me and behind the guarded ledge with his knee touching mine. He’s trying his best to avoid being seen by the Galra. I can tell.
…Ever so pretty and cocky Keith just had to be this close to me. ¡Parada!
I need to stop thinking about how smooth his hair is and how shimmery his eyes are. I need to stop thinking about how strong he looks and how elegantly he moves whenever we are fighting in battle together.
Oh my god- I’m such a mess. I can’t seem to ever get a break from daydreaming about him…
Im straight- right? Like- I can’t be gay at all? I’m just admiring another man’s beauty. I like women not men. The others wouldn’t approve if I was anyways. Actually no- Pidge is non-binary; so they would probably approve of me even if I was. Which I am most definitely not.
Oh, Dios mío.
It looks like my mind is a storm, and I appear to be caught in the middle of it…
For his and my sake- I can’t mess up the shot I’m going to take, otherwise our entire mission fails-
My stomach hurts like a bitch right now. When was the last time I ate…
shit, when was the last time I ate? A day or two at least, with probably a few snacks here and there, but other than that… I really don’t know, it’s like- a massive mystery to me…
Stop. Getting. Distracted. Me. I am on a fucking mission. I have no such time to dwell on depressing stuff such as not giving myself the proper nutrients, not right now at least…
Keith looks at me in concern, I stare back. “You ok Lance? You look tired.”
Now I’m worrying Keith, I’m not doing my job right, my job is to make him not worry, “I’m doing great right now. I got this. You have no need to worry about me.” In desperation to sell the act; I give him a fake smile and throw up my hand to give a thumbs up.
I made him worry.
It’s my fault for seeming un-okay. I have to not slip up with my behavior around him. I don’t want him to see further underneath the mask
Wait. Why do I even care about his opinion- He’s my ‘rival’ for fucks sake. Rivals aren’t supposed to care what their enemy thinks about them.
Though… are we even considered rivals anymore? Because it feels as if me and Keith are at least friends by now. Though, it could just be me thinking that- if it’s just me thinking that; Debe significar que estoy delirando.
I have to get over these bad thoughts and persevere in the current situation, I’m not a wuss, or am I? I’m not sure, but I do know that I’ve got to focus.
I just have to wait until the targets have their guard down and aren’t looking this way…
Oh- that was quick. The Galra turned the other direction already. Now I’m ready to take the shot once and for all.
Shit…
…”The castle is in desperate need of more resources such as energy. This planet we are heading towards has just what we need,” Allura says confidently in her posh accent while pointing towards an image of the planet, “me and Coran have located this planet containing Balmera crystals during a recent scan, but there is one major flaw if we want to collect the resources necessary from here. There is a miniature Galran material collection ship already stationed there and taking resources.”
Even with that downside, within the remaining time of the castle meeting, the other paladins (mainly Shiro) figured that with only a small collection ship here likely grabbing a few for their own ship- only me and Keith would be necessary to ambush the enemies while the others work on claiming the minerals as ours…
…I missed the shot. By such a small amount too. I’m such a failure. Soy tan jodidamente estúpido. Oh!
My shoulder is being abruptly shaken by somebody crouched below me…
“Lance! What the fuck are you standing there for, they’re gonna see us!” I look toward where I missed the shot and see two of the Galra glancing and turning around frantically, trying to see where the gunshot came from. Meanwhile the third one has their gun pointed at me
I stand there for a moment- what if I wanna get shot? I know I don’t want that, but this small voice in the back of my head says I do.
I quickly duck down for Keith’s sake.
Too late-
Warmth spreads.
Panic sets in. “¡Joder! Estoy disparado.” I swiftly mumble under my breath. Never mind maybe I can’t do this. Why, why must I- “Lance are you ok?” I notice my breathing is getting heavier by the second and my hands are slightly shaking. Is this the start of a panic attack? I don’t know, but I must go on. I can do this. I mustn’t fail Keith
I quickly grab my gun and shakily fire a fast shot; killing the being the bullet hit. I do this all while the side of my stomach has bundles of fireworks exploding inside it. I should feel good about shooting one of them successfully, but I don’t. Me siento como un fracaso.
My knees buckle towards the ground even though I’m crouching. I abruptly collapse down to the ground and agonizingly lean my back against the ledge we were hiding behind. Using my hand, I try grasping my burning abdomen but can’t get a grip on it through the suit.
“Lance are you okay? Lance, Lance! Can you hear me!” I glance toward the panicking raven haired man beside me.
Keith immediately checks for any signs of injury and immediately stops when he sees a brand small and brand new hole in my suit where the upper middle right of my stomach would be. “Shit-“ He’s staring wide eyed at my side, Im too scared to look right now, “Lance are you ok?” the worry in his voice is so audible. It hurts my heart badly. Why does it even hurt my heart? Ugh- why can’t I stop being so stupid all of the time?
“You’re bleeding out- badly. You aren’t going to be able to finish what we started” No- shit, I can’t ruin another mission again. Damn it. Keith ponders for a moment, looks at me, then the the two Galra, and back to me. He immediately grabs my gun, aims and fires at the other two.
“Keith, could have done that in my own.” I try arguing with the man attempting to help me.
“Don’t pull this bullshit on me Lance.” He deadpans.
“I could have done it though.” I say while audibly wincing as I try to stand so that I can get back to mission, “Maldita sea.” I say under my breath and immediately I get pulled back down while trying to get up, “Sit; I am calling in for help from the other paladins.”
“Fine…” I give in quietly, because if I move too much it’ll start hurting worse than it is. I look down at my right side for the first time since I felt the warmth.
Oh…
Thats bad.
The area on my lower abdomen where I was shot has a huge red smear. If my blood and looks that bad even just from looking at the outside- how bad might the wound be on he inside. It’s probably worse- if it’s absolutely horrid, maybe I’ll die.
You know- it might not be so bad if I died, it’s not like I’m as important to the team as somebody such as Keith or Pidge. They add value to the team meanwhile I’m here cracking really shitty jokes that the others laugh at to make me feel like I have a place here.
It makes me feel like a pity party.
I hate it.
I hate being a pity party.
I really just add no value to the team so whats the point of wasting valuable space- I mean sure they’d be sad for a little while after I die, but then after that they’d forget about me. Memories of me would be long forgotten in the endless depths of space. It would be better for everybody if I were gone.
“Allura we urgently need to get Lance back to the castle,” he looks to me, “he’s badly injured!” Keith says over comms. He looks down at me almost as if he’s worried- but he can’t be worried because Keith isn’t the kind of person to get worried. Keith is the kind of person who keeps bad situations calmer than they would typically be without him.
“It’s gonna be ok Lance.” I blankly stare at him whilst trying to pay attention to him and not the overbearing pain.
I don’t think i’m gonna be ok. Keith is just trying to comfort me. Keith is just trying to be optimistic. Keith is lying to himself and I just for the sake of it…
Then again- Keith isn’t the type of person to lie for no reason…
Minutes pass as the two of us wait for help. Keith has been muttering things that my brain can’t comprehend while my brain has been scattering and feels hazy- “Lance are you here? Stay awake buddy! I got you here.” Keith begs me to stay awake as I continue to drift in and out of consciousness.
The reality is that I guess I didn’t realize how much blood I was loosing in the time that has passed. Thats a shame. Is this the end of it. Probably not- I guess, I was hoping it might be.
I blink at Keith once before my vision slowly fades to black for the last time and my brain disintegrates into nothing…