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People were never Shin's thing. He was an observer, allowing himself to drift in the noise surrounding him while still staying away from the spotlight. It was easy this way. Comfortable. He's learned it's easier to stay unnoticed. He had long since accepted his role of the "wallflower", Kyungjun had called it once. He always noticed everything without anyone ever noticing him in return. It was comforting for him, knowing that no one expected anything.
The airport was a mess of noise and color. Shin sat back, catching small parts of conversations. Talks in foreign languages, laughter of families, businessmen chatting about worlds he could only dream of being part of. Shin felt like he was part of the world, but he was comfortable never truly being involved. He looks towards the windows. Airports were always a small comfort to him. It was an easy disappearance if he ever wanted to leave.
He looks towards Kyungjun and Josh, and he's pretty sure his heart stops. They're sitting opposite of him, something about Josh hating the sun. What bothers Shin is their position. Kyungjun's asleep, his head resting on Josh's lap, who's scrolling his phone like usual. There's a small moment where Josh looks down and ruffles his hair, almost missable to someone who isn't so obsessed with him.
Shin's fingers curl around his bag as he tries to calm himself down. But the more he watches, the more he spirals. A simple moment turned into an internal breakdown. They don't care. This is natural to them. He knows they're just friends. That's it. All three of them. He tries to shake the jealousy out of his head. He knows it's too late, he'll spiral any moment.
He feels numb. Like he's not real, like he's forcing himself to believe that none of this is. But nothing can block out the image in front of him. Nothing can block out the feelings he has.
It's always them, he thinks. They've always been too close for his liking. But for some reason Kyungjun sleeping like that makes him feel like he's finally lost. He's always had a problem with his emotions, but it wasn't hard for him to realize what he's feeling. Anger that Kyungjun wasn't choosing him. Hurt that he wasn't good enough. Sadness that he knows it's his fault for never saying anything. Even guilt for having those feelings in the first place. Shin's hands were trembling now. He couldn't stay here anymore. He stands up abruptly, running towards the bathroom. He needed to get away from it all. But his thoughts are too loud. Too relentless.
The tears slip at the same time he slides into the bathroom. Quietly. Everything he does is always quiet. He finds his silence to be a way to hide everything going on in his head. But he can't hide this. He trembles as he makes his way to the sink, turning it on as he hyperventilates. His chest was caving in with every breath he took, his lungs feeling too small for his body. The water from the sink was too loud, the lights too bright with their buzzing drilling into his ears. He grips the edge of the sink, but his body just trembles like it's telling him to just give up. Like how Kyungjun gave up on them. His heart was hammering out of control, his thoughts spiraling as if his whole world was tilting and unraveling right from underneath him. The bathroom was shrinking, the walls suffocating. He couldn't breathe.
He leans against the sink, squeezing his eyes shut as if to block everything out, but all he can see is Kyungjun. The way he smiled at Josh. The way he laid his head on his lap. The soft intimacy of it, like a secret he wasn't meant to hear. The realization hits him. Kyungjun doesn't know he exits. Not in the way he wants him to. Not in the way he needs him to. He's just a background character, nothing more than a footnote. The tightness in his throat was choking him, his thoughts a hurricane in his head.
He forces his eyes open. Too blurry. The bathroom is spinning, and his legs finally give out. He slumps to his knees on the cold floor. He's never been good at any of this. Feeling, wanting, needing, any of it. He doesn't know how to put it into words, how to make anything make sense. But everything has culminated in his mind. The jealousy, the hurt, the longing for someone that he's never going to have.
His hands tremble as he raps them around himself, trying to force himself to stay together. Everything is suffocating him, like he's lowered himself into the grave he dug himself. The worst part, he thinks, is the realization that he's never had a chance with Kyungjun. He's always been just a friend, the quiet one who stays in the background. Kyungjun doesn't know, he doesn't even care. What hurts the most is that Kyungjun won't even give him the chance to tell him. Won't give himself the chance to know.
Then it hits him. He'll never be enough. Not for Kyungjun. Not for anyone. He leans his head against the wall. Everything he's hidden, everything he's ignored, has finally crashed onto him. He can't stop it. Maybe that's the point. Maybe there's nothing left to stop anymore.
After some time, Shin barely manages to pull himself together. When he returns to the waiting area, he notices Kyungjun's awake now, laughing at something on Josh's phone. Shin stays far behind, feeling like an outsider. He forces himself to sit with them, knowing that isolating himself further will just cause him more trouble. Kyungjun glances up at him with a smile, but it feels distant.
The rest of the trip passes slowly. The first few days are normal, at least to them. They explore the city, all while Shin follows behind. It's not that he's not happy, but he knows he isn't where he needs to be. He's become more hyper-aware of his presence since the incident at the airport. How he's always on the outside. How Kyungjun and Josh are inseparable. There are moments where Kyungjun will try to include him, but Shin never sees it as a genuine. It's a reminder to him. No matter how hard he tries, he'll never be a part of them. He'll never be the one for him.
One evening, they visit an overlook at sunset. Shin sits farther from them than normal, watching Kyungjun and Josh talk over the sunset. They're having fun. And he's ruminating on the life he could be having. Shin tries to focus on the view, but his gaze keeps shifting back to them. He notices things that drip onto his spiral, adding more to his previous breakdown in the bathroom. Kyungjun, his usual carefree self, is almost… too perfect with Josh. Shin can see how Kyungjun's eyes light up around Josh in ways they never do around him. How Kyungjun's hand brushes Josh's, how every conversation feels like a big joke Shin will never get to know the punchline of. His heart aches, but there's nothing for him to do. He's fine. He has to be.
The three of them take a walk through the city. It's still early enough to have a little light. Shin can't even bother with the beauty of it. Kyungjun's arm is draped over Josh's shoulder as they talk about something. He can't hear the words, but he doesn't need to. It's obvious. The way Kyungjun leans in too close, the look they share that says everything with no words. Shin feels invisible. Shin trails behind as they wander, pretending to be interested in the random trinkets on display at the shops they pass, but it's just an excuse to put distance between him and the reason he won't make it to 30. He can't stand to watch it.
Shin is more withdrawn than usual on the final night. It's the last chance to enjoy himself before going back to work, but he feels like he's run out of energy to keep pretending. They're at a restaurant, Kyungjun and Josh laughing about something that Shin can't quite follow. He's just there, like usual. Kyungjun's hand brushes against Josh's arm as they talk, and Shin's heart drops into his stomach. It's not a grand gesture. It's small, something most people would overlook. But it's enough to make Shin want to run. He knows he's at his limit. He can't keep pretending his feelings are nothing.
As they return to their rooms, Shin lies awake for hours, just staring at the ceiling. The trip was supposed to be fun, but he just felt suffocated the whole time. Kyungjun and Josh are everything to each other, and Shin knows he's not exactly included in whatever they think everything is. His feelings reach a point they're unbearable. Early in the morning, Shin quietly gets out of bed. He turns on the light and grabs the notepad from the desk.
My Dearest, Kyungjun,
There's no reason for me to write this. Maybe because it's the only way I can bring myself to ever say this to you. Maybe it's the only way I can leave without having any guilt. I've spent so much time pretending I was enough for you, but I'm not. I've never been good with emotions. I don't know where to start. This whole trip was awful. I've been pretending I'm fine, pretending I can handle seeing you and Josh act like that. I can't. I can't stand to see you two. It makes me want to rip my heart into shreds. Maybe that would give me some relief. I know I shouldn't feel like this. You should be happy however you want to. It shouldn't matter to me, but it does. It's stupid. I'm at my breaking point.
It's not just that I like you. It's always been more than that. More than I can bring myself to tell you. I've always wanted to be the one you look at like the way you look at him. I've always wanted to be the one for you. I thought we were soulmates, I thought if I tried hard enough, you'd realize that you need to love me. I changed myself. I'm not even me anymore, I'm just what I hoped you wanted from me. But I know I'll never be that. I'll never be enough for you, no amount of forcing it will help me anymore.
I'm leaving today. I'm not sure if I'll see you again, and for my sake, I'm not entirely sure I want to either. I just had to tell you this. I know you won't understand how much it hurt me to see you two, or how much it hurts me to leave like this. It feels like I could still have a fighting chance. I could, but it hurts too much to sit here and pretend I don't care when every part of me was screaming for you to just be with me instead. Maybe I should have just told you. That would've made this easier. We both know I'm too quiet to do anything for myself.
I'm sorry if this causes trouble for you two. I didn't mean to cause anything to happen. I just needed to tell you this for my peace of mind. I hope you'll be happy, even though I know it'll never be with me. Take care of yourself.
Shin
He places the letter under Kyungjun's door, then gathers his things and leaves without a goodbye. It feels like he's ripping out a piece of himself, something he can't get back, something he won't ever be allowed to have. Somewhere deep down, he knows he never truly deserved it anyways.