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Snorkel Town is an odd place.
When Ilya first told Shane that this place was called Snorkel Town, Shane was sure that Ilya was kidding. He thought, maybe, Ilya had forgotten the actual name and decided to make something up, since the town is known for its snorkelling exhibition.
That’s a very him thing to do.
But nope.
They arrive at the city line - as they’re heading to the address of the snorkeling lessons building, of course - and, on a very obnoxiously large, neon green sign reads, in neon pink, ”Welcome to Snorkel Town! Where each snorkel is hand crafted with care!”
The hand crafted snorkel part is in a much smaller font than the welcoming.
The sign is a giant snorkel.
It’s a little bit unsettling.
They drive further into the city and each building is decorated with snorkels, pictures of snorkels, or pictures of people in snorkels.
It’s definitely an experience that Shane hadn’t been expecting to have today but, well, here he is and Ilya is excited, which means Shane is happy to be here.
They make it to the address of the place where they booked their 50 minute couples snorkeling session/lesson/whatever it is. Shane isn’t really sure why they need lessons to snorkel, he’s always thought it was a pretty self explanatory thing.
Y’know, like, put the snorkel on, keep it above the water, don’t drown. The works.
Apparently they need supervision, though, and instructors.
Well, the instructors are the supervision.
Obviously.
“It is time to go inside!” Ilya unbuckles his seatbelt excitedly, reaching over the middle console to take the key out of the car, even though Shane’s the one who was driving, and gets out of the car, running into the building.
Okay then. Sure.
Shane unbuckles his seatbelt and then gets out of the car but it starts rolling away because Shane hadn’t put it into park before Ilya stole the keys. He doesn’t even try to stop it.
What’s he supposed to do? Use his super strength to stop a rolling car?
Yeah right, his super strength is needed for other things.
Everybody knows super strength has a limit on how many times a person can use it, Shane bought the annual subscription of super strength, which means he had a lot of uses at the start of the year but it’s already December, which means he only has a couple super strength uses left. He’s not gonna use one on this, he can just buy a new car.
Surely they have cars to buy in Snorkel Town.
Anyway, Shane walks up to the building and into the doors - literally into them, he forgot to open them at first - but then he actually managed to get inside, finding Ilya already at the front desk, talking to Rosa Parks.
Shane was impressed that she was only kind of dead considering she died 20 years ago. It’s a miracle what being written into a fanfiction will do to you.
Shane walks up behind Ilya and listens in on the conversation that they’re having, he doesn’t know what they’ve already said but Rosa’s saying, “Yeah, so, your snorkeling instructors will be Bobby Nash and Hwang Jun-ho. Now, Bobby, he’s a firefighter but he majored in snorkeling in college so he’s super qualified, don’t worry. He did die from, like, a super tragic airborne virus thing in a lab like a few months ago but he’s totally fine and alive now, don’t worry.”
See, this is what Shane’s talking about, the miracles of being written into a fanfiction.
Rosa carries on with her explanation, “Then, with Jun-ho, he’s a police officer who used to be a professional snorkeler until he got shot by his brother and now he can only unprofessionally snorkel.”
Ilya gasps dramatically, “Oh my god, that is so tragic, how could one live that way?”
Shane sees a drop of water dramatically fall to the floor and, at first, he assumes it was raining inside. It’s not unusual for roofs to have leaks, y’know, but then he reaches his hands up to his face and realizes that his cheeks are wet.
He’s crying.
Woah.
He didn’t realize how deeply that story hit him and he wipes away his tears while Ilya places a comforting hand on Shane’s shoulder.
“Gosh, sorry,” Shane sniffs, clearing his throat, “that was just such a sad story, I didn’t know that was something that was even possible. I can’t believe he got professional snorkeling taken away from him.”
“Yeah, I know,” Rosa nods solemnly, “Anyway, it looks like you two already prepaid the 700 thousand dollars for your session today?”
“Yes, of course,” Ilya answers easily, “we did not want to run into any problems today, yes?”
“Yep,” Shane confirms, nodding.
Rosa folds her hands together in front of her, “Wonderful! The two of you can just head down that super dark and ominous hallway right there,” She points to her left where there’s a super dark and ominous hallway right there, “and your instructors will be waiting to fit you with snorkels.”
“Why can’t we go down the super light and not ominous hallway?” Shane asks, pointing to Rosa’s right where there’s a super light and not ominous hallway, “it looks more welcoming.”
“Oh, that’s the just way to heaven,” Rosa explains, “it’s how Bobby and I get to work everyday. We carpool.”
“Oh that is nice,” Ilya nods, approving, “Very good for planet.”
The author doesn’t want to write this conversation anymore and doesn’t want to give it a proper ending, so Shane spares them from having to do that and he grabs Ilya’s hand, dragging them down the super dark and ominous hallway until, finally, it bursts into rainbow colors and Party Rock by LMFAO starts playing super loudly through, what Shane is pretty sure are, invisible speakers.
Mostly because he doesn’t see anywhere that music can be playing from.
Bobby Nash and Hwang Jun-ho are standing together at the end of the hallway and holding hands, smiling. They both greet Shane and Ilya, their words in complete sync, “Hi welcome to Snorkel Town’s Snorkeling Lessons. Follow us.”
They start to walk to the right and go through a wall, which is weird, but Shane and Ilya do, in fact, follow them, but they don’t go through the wall.
Shane and Ilya look at each other confused and Shane’s about to say something when, suddenly, the wall starts being torn down. Neither of them are sure of what’s happening at first until the wall starts coming down even more and, eventually, Shane sees that Bobby is taking a sledgehammer to the wall.
Fun.
“Sorry about that,” Bobby throws the sledgehammer to the side after the wall is sufficiently torn down and it sinks into the floor magically, “Sometimes we forget to tear down that wall. It tends to regrow by itself.”
“How does that work?” Shane asks.
Jun-ho is the one to answer, shrugging, “It’s one of the many wonders of Snorkel Town. Every Snorkel Town resident can phase through the self growing walls but sometimes we forget that outsiders can’t do that.”
“Oh,” Shane nods, that makes sense.
He and Ilya step through the wall and into this other room with Bobby and Jun-ho.
The walls are covered in shelves with snorkels on them and Bobby explains that they’re going to have to find a snorkel for each of them that fits.
It only takes seven hours of carefully trying on snorkels to find ones for Shane and Ilya, Jun-ho assures them that because finding the perfect snorkel for yourself is so important, this time doesn't count toward their session time. That only starts once they get into the water.
Which is the next step.
They have to tear down another wall so that they can go outside to the ocean but Bobby gets that done quickly, teleporting the sledgehammer back into his hands very quickly. They step outside and notice that it’s already starting to get dark.
Shane is confused at first until he remembers that they spent seven hours trying on snorkels.
But at least they’re all decked out in their gear now and Shane and Ilya are really excited for their couples snorkeling endeavor as they walk to the dock that’s in the ocean.
They have to walk 67 miles on this dock so that they’re in the super deep ocean before Ilya asks, “Now it is time to get into the water, yes?” to their instructors, who are now sitting down criss-cross applesauce on the wood.
It’s pitch black at this point since they were walking for so long but Shane and Ilya are professional athletes, so it’s fine.
“You have to whisper to the water first,” Jun-ho says, “I’m not allowed to anymore since I got shot by my brother and can’t professionally snorkel anymore but Bobby can show you how to.”
Just like that, Bobby leans over the edge of the dock and whispers into the water something that Shane can’t hear, then he comes back up and looks at the couple, “It doesn’t actually matter what you whisper, but that’s how you do it.”
“Yes, okay, that is simple,” Ilya nods and the two of them lean down to the water to whisper at it.
Shane tells the water a story about how he got stuck in an elevator. He hopes the water appreciates it.
After that, their instructors tell them that they can get in, so Shane sits on the edge of the dock to put his feet into the water first.
Except, immediately he starts to feel some tingling in his toes and watches as they turn into flippers, his legs turn super scaly and start molding together. He falls all the way into the water and realizes that he’s turned into a mermaid, his hair starts growing super long and before he knows it, there’s a shell bra in place of his shirt.
He gasps dramatically and looks at Ilya and their instructors, “Oh my god, what the heck, why am I a mermaid?”
Ilya starts panicking too, frantically looking around, “Oh my god, yes, what the heck, why are you a mermaid?”
“Is this normal?” Shane asks the instructors, panicking.
“Prolly not,” Bobby Nash shrugs and Jun-ho nods in agreement.
Great.
Now he’s a mermaid.
What the hell is he supposed to do like this?
He sighs heavily, “Do you think we can figure out why I turned into a mermaid? I just wanted to do some couples snorkeling with my husband.”
“Oh I like it when you call me that-”
“Not the time, Ilya,” Shane shakes his head.
They spend 7 seconds trying to figure out why Shane turned into a mermaid before Ilya breaks down and starts confessing everything.
“It was me, I turned you into a mermaid!”
Shane’s heart drops at the complete and utter betrayal of his husband. How could he? How could he?
Ilya falls into an explanation and talks about how he was just really into the idea of seeing Shane as a mermaid so when he found out they were going to Snorkel Town, he did some research on the place. He figured out the contact information of a famous sorcerer who goes by the name of Hugh Dancy and sent him an email, asking if he’d be able to turn his husband into a mermaid.
He agreed to for the low low price of 7 dollars. Ilya mentioned that he thought that that was obviously a steal and immediately sent it over to him. Ilya then mentioned that Hugh did the ritual to turn Shane into a mermaid that very same day.
“Oh my god,” Shane’s eyes widen, “that’s why you’ve been keeping me out of water for the last few days.”
Ilya nods, “I did not want to ruin the surprise.”
“Well I’m definitely surprised, I can’t believe you would dare to mermaidify me,” Shane mutters, looking down into the water before smirking back up at Ilya, “because I planned to mermaidify you, too!” He reaches up onto the dock and pulls Ilya into the water, watching as his hair grows into luxuriously long locks and his legs fuse together into one tail, then, as the final touch, Ilya’s shirt turns into a shell bra.
Ilya gasps and a blush deeply embeds his cheeks, “This is why we are meant for one another.”
They both embrace each other in the water, holding on and removing the snorkels from their mouths that have totally been there the entire time, even though they’ve been speaking perfectly, so that they can kiss tenderly.
“Also, Hugh charged me 17 dollars to turn you into a mermaid, I can’t believe he scammed me,” Shane whispers into Ilya’s mouth.
Ilya clicks his tongue, shaking his head, “This is unacceptable,” He says before reconnecting their lips back into their messy kiss that was previously described as tender.
“Alright guys,” Bobby claps his hands together and stands up, “I hate to break this up but it is the end of the session so I’m gonna need you guys to return the snorkels and get out of the water, since we do actually own this ocean.”
“Wait what?” Shane questions suddenly, breaking apart from Ilya’s kiss to look over at his instructors, “It’s only been like five minutes since I got into the water!”
“Yeah,” Jun-ho nods, also standing up now, “you guys only booked a five minute session?”
Oh my god.
The utter betrayal.
On the website, it said that there was a 50 minute couples snorkeling session, which is the one they booked. What liars.
Shane will have to write an email to corporate later.
This is a worse betrayal than when Ilya hired Hugh Dancy to turn him into a mermaid.
Certainly this is enough plot relevant betraying to count for the prompt.
They sigh but start to make their way out of the water but before they can make it to the dock, a giant whale comes out of nowhere and swallows both of them. They clutch onto each other tightly as they make their way down the whale’s throat.
It’s a very slimy experience and Shane doesn’t appreciate it. The shell bra makes sure that there’s too much of his skin exposed to the slimy walls of the whale’s throat and it makes him uncomfortable.
Ilya’s laughing, which makes Shane laugh too, but he grumbles, “This isn’t funny.”
“Then why are you laughing?”
“Because you are!” Shane elbows his husband but it’s a little difficult, considering they’re in the throat of a whale right now.
At least it doesn’t last too long, though, because soon enough they make their way all the way down and find a whole party happening here in the stomach of the whale.
There’s a stage where Chappell Roan is singing her hit song Casual, but it seems to be a remixed version.
”Knee deep in the snorkeling town and you are a mermaid, are we in a whale now?”
Shane looks around confused and Ilya points at someone else in the whale’s stomach, not too far away. They walk up to her and Ilya waves, “Hello, I am Ilya, this is my husband, Shane. Who are you?”
”Two weeks and you end up in a stomach in Snorkel Town, are we in a whale now?”
Well, that’s a way to get introductions out of the way pretty quickly. Shane’s pretty sure there’s a more polite way to ask someone to introduce themself but when has his husband ever known about politeness?
”I know what you tell your friends.”
“what,” The girl says, as if she forgot her line, “ok, uhm,” This seems promising, like she’ll remember what she’s supposed to be doing right now, “bonjour, james apple moth.”
”It’s casu-whale.”
Shane and Ilya look at each other and then back to the girl.
”If it’s casu-whale now then baby get me off again.”
“oh,” She says, “thanks autocorrect.”
”If it’s casu-whale.”
Autocorrect?
”If it’s casu-whale, now.”
Yeah okay, whatever, weirder things have happened today already, Shane decides to look past it, “So, what brings you here?”
”Dumb fic, I love writing crack.”
Moth shrugs and points at Chappell on the stage, “Pretty cool, right?”
”Dream of us in a whale.”
“Right,” Ilya agrees.
”Maybe we’d have an apartment.”
“Do you like my raft?” Moth asks, pointing at it.
”You’d become a snorkeling professional.”
It’s a very neat raft, Shane decides, but doesn’t say anything out loud, too entranced by the performance.
”I know, ‘baby, only five minute sessions.’”
Shane holds Ilya’s hand and rests his head on Ilya’s shoulder, cuddling into each other. This whale’s stomach is actually surprisingly nice.
”But we’re…”
And suddenly, more people emerge from the stage to sing with Chappell. Up comes Taylor Swift, Slipknot, Beethoven, and Arctic Monkeys. Shane wasn’t sure who any of those people were, he had to whisper the question to Ilya, and Ilya informed him quite easily.
”Knee deep in the snorkeling town and you are a mermaid, are we in a whale now?
Two weeks and you end up in a stomach in Snorkel Town, are we in a whale now?
I know what you tell your friends.
It’s casu-whale. If it’s casu-whale now.
Then baby get me off again.
If it’s casu-whale. oh oh oh”
They all sing harmoniously, it’s the best thing to ever grace Shane’s ears.
He thinks he wouldn’t mind spending the rest of his life inside this whale with Ilya.