Work Text:
1.
Ilya thinks that if he trades his "angry Russian" brand for a "curated, moody academic" aesthetic, he might finally get Shane Hollander’s undivided attention.
[INSTAGRAM POST]
@ilyarozanov: [Ilya is in a dimly lit library. He’s wearing a heavy charcoal overcoat and wire-rim glasses. He’s looking at a vintage camera, the light catching the sharp line of his jaw.]
Caption: capturing the moment. 📽️
Shane is sitting in his living room, dissecting the photo like it's game tape.
"Look at the composition," Shane mutters, zooming in until the screen is just Ilya’s cheekbone. "The rule of thirds. The color grading. He’s clearly hired a professional creative director. He’s trying to pivot into high-fashion modeling because he knows his puck-handling has been mid lately. It’s a strategic career move. Very clever, Rozanov. You're not fooling me."
His heart, meanwhile, is doing a drum solo against his ribs. He saves the photo to a folder named "competitor research."
2.
Ilya decides to play a game of chicken with Shane’s sanity.
[INSTAGRAM STORY]
(A mirror selfie. Ilya is in his gym gear, his shirt pulled up to wipe sweat off his face, revealing a torso that looks like it was chiseled out of marble.)
Poll overlay: who wants me?
[ Me ]
[ Nobody ]
Shane stares at the poll. He’s a man of logic. "This is a social experiment," Shane concludes. "He’s testing engagement metrics. If I click 'me,' I’m just another statistic in his ego-trip. But if I click 'nobody,' it’s a sophisticated subversion of his expectations! It’s a prank!"
He clicks nobody, feeling very smug about his "intellectual" choice.
[INSTAGRAM STORY]
@ilyarozanov: to the 1% who voted "nobody"... your psychological projection is fascinating. i know exactly who you are and i know you’re currently vibrating with desire. seek help. (or seek me please).
Shane nearly drops his phone. "Vibrating with desire? I'm vibrating with indignation! He’s so arrogant he thinks a 'no' is a 'yes.' His ego has reached a level of gravity that is pulling in its own light. I need to tweet something to show him I'm unaffected."
He spends forty minutes trying to think of a cool tweet and ends up just posting a picture of his breakfast.
3.
Ilya decides to show Shane exactly what the competition looks like.
[INSTAGRAM STORY]
(A screen recording of Ilya’s notifications. It is a literal tidal wave of blue checkmarks.)
@Zayn: Yo, that library shoot was fire.
@LewisHamilton: 🐐🙌
@MariahCarey: 🦋🦋
Ilya’s Caption: all this noise and the only person i want to talk to is silent. sigh. 😔
Shane is having a logical breakdown.
"Zayn Malik? He thinks Ilya’s feed is fire? This is a geopolitical crisis," Shane says, pacing his kitchen. "And Ilya says the person he wants to talk to is silent. That’s so sad. He’s clearly in love with some mysterious, high-society European woman who doesn't have social media. I actually feel bad for him. I should be a better friend."
He opens his DMs to offer "support" and then remembers he's "nobody" and closes the app.
4.
Ilya is now being so specific it’s practically a background check.
[TWITTER]
Ilya Rozanov @ilyarozanov . 10m
i really wish i could get a canadian japanese freckeled hockey player who plays for the Montreal Voyageurs as a bfffffff. sigh.
Shane reads the tweet. He stops. He reads it again.
"Wait," Shane says, his brain whirring. "Canadian. Japanese. Freckled. Montreal." He looks in the mirror. He looks back at the phone.
"Oh my god," Shane gasps. "He’s... he’s trying to find a replacement for me. He wants someone who looks exactly like me but probably has a better fashion sense and doesn't vote 'nobody' on his polls. This is the most elaborate 'I'm over you' post in history. He’s literally crowdsourcing a new Shane. This is psychological warfare."
And then poor Shane starts crashing out, throwing his pillows across the room because Ilya is trying to "out-source" him.
+1
Ilya needs this entire thing wrapped by tonight, so he goes for the jugular.
[INSTAGRAM STORY]
(A shirtless mirror pic. Ilya is in low-slung grey sweatpants, hair messy, looking absolutely wrecked and beautiful. The "v-line" is doing heavy lifting.)
Caption: since "nobody" wants me... i guess i'll just go to bed alone.
The word "nobody" triggers something in Shane's brain. The poll. The tweet. The "silent" person. The "new Shane." It all clicks.
"Oh," Shane whispers, his face turning bright red. "I'm such an idiot."
[DMs: Ilya & Shane]
Shane: i saw it rozanov you can delete it
Shane: delete it now
Shane: im tweaking delt
Shane: i cnt brsth
Shane: DELETE THE PIC BEFORE ZAYN SEES IT
Ilya: say please.
Shane: (Voice Message - 0:02): [Audio: A shaky, breathless "...please."]
Ilya: took you long enough, hollander. i was about to start tagging your home address in the captions just to see if that would work. now open the door.