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He had always thought about running away growing up.
It was such an exciting idea to him when he was a little kid. Especially when he would be running with Lo'ak, Kiri, and Neteyam through the forest. For before he had only ever known the walls of Hell's gate, since it was considered unsafe for him to go out.
The coldness of the stone floor, to the dreariness of the walls. Being the only human child on the base yet with no parents, it was lonely. He had Norm, but Norm was already a father and had his own foster na’vi children-so when he wasn’t in his avatar form with them, he was working.
And the scientists were always so busy along with the rest of the humans on the base-at least, too busy to spare him any attention.
However, he always had this inkling it was more than that. Especially when the other scientists would cast shifting glancing over his name. So mostly he was referred to as "Boy", or "Kid".
But at the time he didn't understand it, the awkwardness from them or the history behind his name. In the whole place, the only comfort he got was from a picture of his human mother that he always had tucked under his pillow.
When he was sad, he would pull it out just to look at her. And his imagination would run wild.
What she would have been like if she were alive, if she would be like those mothers he saw in the screens the scientists would let him watch from sometimes, or the books Norm gave him.
Would she sing him lullabies and kiss him goodnight? Make him sweets and play with him? He was told she was a pilot, so would she have taken him on her expeditions with him? Taught him how to fly?
Sometimes, he had dreams where he'd see her. And every time he was struck by the sight of her. For she had the warmest brown eyes he had ever seen. They sparkled and shined with pure affection as she would pick him up. The feeling so real he could smell the faint scent of coffee on her, the way the strands of dark wavy hair tickled his nose, to the warmth of her arms wrapped around him.
And he'd nuzzle right into her embrace like a pup to it's mother. Savoring the moment for every drop.
And every so often in his dreams he had siblings and a father as well-with blurry faces he could never see. Yet, despite that, it was something that he had always wanted. A mother-a family.
He wished he could have stayed forever.
Only for it to crumble as he would wake up in his tiny bed, all alone in the dark. With her picture clutched tightly in his small palm, it was those nights that were hard to bear as he had to wipe the tears from his face, sniffling as he'd lament over the mother he never got to have.
The family he never got to experience. So much he wished he even had a siblings with how deeply he craved companionship-for someone.
Then, like a prayer answered from Ewya, came Lo'ak, Kiri, and Neteyam. Eventually, precious little Tuk-Tum.
It was like an explosion to color in his dreary life. With mischievous grins on their faces as they introduced him to the forest, playing in the water, or chasing after fan lizards.
Chasing one another in the tall grass as they wrestled, laughter and giggles filling the air.
It was this buzzing happiness that filled him that he had never experienced before. To the dirt under his feet and the swinging from his limbs from branch to branch. It was there he even earned his new name "Spider".
And, he thought that would last forever.
However, things began to change.
Neteyam used to go with them, but as they all got older his presence grew less and less with them.
And, slowly Kiri, the girl whose voice constantly teased him, began to disappear, being taken under the care of Mo'at as a possible Tsahik in training.
However, he was glad to atleast still have Lo'ak.
Both boy's bonded together by feeling out of place. As outcasts and as brothers. They had been there for eachother thick through thin. Yet, Spider soon realized that even Lo'ak would go away as he claimed his own Ikran.
And he had never been so proud of his brother, a wide grin on his face as he was announced as a warrior to the clan-yet he had never wept so much in his life when he went to bed that night.
That the only family he had ever known was moving on in life without him, and he wished so deeply he could follow them. He would have given anything to be something to the clan. To be able to stay apart of them.
Yet, once again he was pulled back just because...he was human.
The son of a demon.
All his life he felt he had to carry the sins of his father, of the human race. Never feeling either human or Na'vi-Despite how much he wanted too-He wanted an Avatar. Too wild for human’s and too human for Na’vi.
He wanted to be accepted by the people just like Jake. Which was why he aspired to be like him. Painting his skin with blue stripes with the help of Kiri, refusing to wear human clothing. Goodness, that was why he even did his hair the way he did!
He wanted to be accepted.
And Jake sometimes played along with his antics as he was growing up, the older man was always kind and polite. Still, there was this distance that was set.
And, he picked up on it a couple times when he would pass by the entrance of the Sully’s home. With a grimace on Neytiri’s face as Jake knelt before her.
He caught his name and the word “stray” or “pet” many times.
Which, if that wasn’t a knife in his chest, despite how much he tried to ignore it.
He was always reminded where he stood when Neytiri would scoff in his direction.
Even as a child she looked at him as if he were no less than a beetle under her foot. Her face permanently screwed in a scowl at his presence around her children.
”He belongs with his own kind”,
”He does not belong here”,
Yet what would deeply wound him was when she would lash out at him that it was "his" fault. Everything was his fault whenever the kids got hurt and he was with them.
With those fiery yellow eyes that would pierce right through him. His fault-his fault-his fault-The message of those words rung like a drum in his head. But how was it his fault? This moon was his home. It gave him life.
It introduced him to music, the singing of the forest to the cascading of water falls. To new tastes and sounds. Sights and feelings.
It was the only home he ever had.
Yet, he was taken away from it.
Stripped away once again when he was kidnapped and forced to meet the copy of the monster behind such atrocities, the man he was constantly reminded he was from.
Yet, from that monster he received the parental care and acceptance he had always craved growing up.
It was wrong-it was so so so wrong to admit. But, with the Retcoms all those months, he had never felt so accepted in his entire life. He didn't feel different or as if he were an outcast. He hated to admit it, again he knew how deeply wrong it was-with the terrible things they did...
Yet, he would remember the excitement they felt when bonding with their Ikrans.
The childlike shone in their eyes at their first taste of Pandorian food that he had cooked for them. For, he noticed they would always tire out so quickly with the weird food that was provided for them.
It was even less appetizing than the ones other humans ate back at Hell's gate. He recalled his foster parent’s trying to force down some weird meal down his throat, his foster father gripping his jaw so tightly it left bruises on his cheeks. Still feeling the scraping of metal against his teeth as he clenched them tightly.
He tried to tell them the food made him sick, that he couldn’t stomach it without throwing up-but they refused to listen.
At that point they were so sick of him, for being such a “feral child”. He knew they were counting down the days until they could drop him from their care. They only took him in because they were forced to, and now with kids of their own, they just…wanted him gone.
It was a all too familiar ache in his chest, that no one even looked for him when he was kidnapped.
That no one cared enough.
But how could he blame them? He was just one kid. What was he really? From the day of his mother’s death he was just a unwanted war orphan.
So, who could really blame him for getting close to the Retcoms?
They always showed appreciation for him when he did the cooking, or cared for their wounds when they got hurt. And during the nights when they would set up camp, they'd sit around a fire and tell stories of their childhood. It reminded him of nights at the clan, when families and friends would gather around a fire.
But, he was never allowed too.
Only a few times with Kiri’s begging was he able to, but every time he always felt…so out of place. Like he was intruding on their family time, as if he were still looking in through a window.
Jake alway’s reminded his family “Sully’s stick together”, or “This family is our fortress”, with that tenser look in his eyes. And goodness, Spider never yearned so much to be apart of something so badly than he did whenever he saw the Sully family together.
It burned the back of his eyes so badly he always had to hide away to rub at his eyes quickly, followed by that deep ache in his chest.
But with the Retcoms, it felt so different.
They always made sure to make him feel included, and somehow, he was always sat by...Quaritch. Laughing amongst one another as they talked about stories from their past, or things that had happened that day.
Like how Mansk fell into a dung pile after being chased by a group of Prolemuris or how Lyle's puffy face got when he ate some random fruit off from a tree on a scout. Z-dog even ruffled his hair as he was passing by, chuckling under her breath as he swatted her hand away.
Yet, even he couldn’t stop the grin coming on his face. Especially where she would jeer at Lyle who would throw it right back.
And besides a couple of returning jokes, or when Lyle would nudge Quaritch to tell some stories from when he was in training. He was silent, yet it wasn’t a cold one.
Quaritch would just…have this look in his eye. This certain look that even Spider found it how this infamous demon could be capable of that expression. There was a gentle calmness about him as he watched with a twitch of a fond smile at the corner of his lips.
He saw the same look in Jake’s eyes when it was a good but busy day, at the sight of his family together. There was a satisfaction in his eyes at seeing them happy…
That was what Spider saw. And, at times, Spider would catch him glancing down at him. As if he were checking on him, and there was this glimmer of pride in his gaze. One that Spider had only seen Jake look at his own sons with-and, guilty, he let himself just for a second enjoy it.
It didn’t take long for Spider to fall asleep however.
Yet, imagine to his surprise when the young boy woke up to find himself resting his head against the older man’s legs with a new blanket thrown over his shoulders.
For a moment he thought Quaritch was awake. But as he looked closely the soft rise and fall of his chest gave away that he was asleep. His eyes completely shut, but he barely moved from the Spider last saw him in.
And, for some reason, Spider just eyed him carefully. Brow furrowing for again it was one of those moments where he was taken a back by how…normal he looked.
There was no wrinkle of his brow, or seriousness dripping from him. But, he just looked like any older Na’vi man…
Yet, Spider smacked himself out of it. And he tried to slip away, but he realized something was holding him in place. It was his hand. Resting protectively over Spider’s back, until Spider saw him twitch in his sleep.
And he froze from his movements, waiting carefully-and breathed a sigh of relief when he went to breathing normally. However, Spider felt a weight all of a sudden pull him closer into the side of man before he went back to snoring softly.
And many nights they spent like that along their mission they explored Pandora.
Then they were alerted to a rogue ship and that was when shit hit the fan.
And so much happened within one day his poor brain went into auto pilot.
The battle, Kiri, Lo'ak, and Tuk kidnapped, Neteyam almost getting killed, Neytiri then almost killing him if not for Quaritch.
Him saving Quaritch.
But it wasn't because he was just his father, it was more than that. He saw that the man could be capable of change, he could be swayed, just like he did with Kiri and the Tsahik of the clan.
Something was taking root-he could see it!
From the very moment he bonded with Cupcake, Spider saw what he could possibly be.
He was just like Jake, if Quaritch just had more time...And a deep hidden part in Spider’s heart didn't want to lose the one adult who cared about him-who truly cared about him.
But, Spider also didn't want to go with him. For this man was also on the other side of this war. And that side of the war wanted to hurt his home-everything that he loved.
It already almost took away Neteyam, he didn't want to lose any siblings. The RDA was cruel and took away innocent lives. He knew he should have let him die, yet...It was hard to see the one person who he saw once care about him be gone forever.
And, Spider saved his father's life, not what Quaritch represented.
Yet, so much had happened after. Kiri gave him the gift to breath air, Jake almost sent him to Ewya if not for his pleas, Neytiri eventually accepted him, his father had died once more to those flames. You would think after all that chaos, all that hardship, he would be happy to have gotten everything he wanted.
To be apart of that family, to be doted on by Neytiri, taken care of by Jake Sully, and having been accepted as one of the people.
Even Tonowari and Ronal had taken a fond interest in him. The Tsahik would even comment how obedient the “Tawtue boy” was compared to their rebellious son Lo’ak.
Neteyam had grown extra protective of him as well, for some odd reason. Though, he couldn’t understand the boy’s clinginess, especially since he was still healing from his wounds. Maybe it was because he was used to being the stronger one, and having his brush with death, he wanted to feel like he could still protect something.
Especially since most of his younger siblings didn’t seem to need him like they did when they were little. Further establishing themselves in the clan, especially Lo’ak, like a fish to water. A contrast to Neteyam who still longed for his home in the forest, and was much like his mother in their yearning for it still.
Though, it annoyed the hell out of him. Especially when the boy practically yanked him back down to apply sunscreen on his face and skin, with that pinch in his brow so much like Neytiri’s when Tuk would try to run off without her little dagger. Finally, he understood Lo’ak’s frustration after all his time whining.
He could take care of himself! It would had been bearable if he could complain just a bit to Lo’ak, but it didn’t help that he was treating him like he was fragile. What gives?! Maybe, it was his own skeletons in the closet manifesting and making him poke holes in their affection.
Still, he was only human. Pathetically pink-skinned through and through. Guilt festered in his bones, he still felt that division between him and the fortress of the Sully’s. He knew he could not tell Jake what had been haunting him since that battle, he knew he couldn’t.
Plaguing him with nightmares. Clawing at his throat till he couldn’t breath.
He had everything his child self had yearned for, yet something was missing. What felt more like an empty abyss he was drowning in day by day.
And, it seemed that not everyone was as accepting of a pink skin in the clan.
For it was one evening that he had tripped.
With his basket strewn across the sand as he fell to the ground. However, the way he smacked against the ground with his mask, jammed his nose into the ground harshly, leaving a throbbing sensation across the sensitive cartilage as he hissed.
Now that was a first. Getting tripped by someone's tail.
He thought, as he narrowed his eyes at the group of snickering boys passing by. But Spider just brushed it off as a onetime deal, besides Lo'ak said he dealt with a bit of harassment how would this be any different? …
If only Spider knew that was only the beginning of it, which would be followed by more and more of then "accidents" until after one severe beating from them would be the final push to throw him over that edge. To leave the Sully's.
Everyone had their story, maybe this time it was his turn to venture off on his own, to make something new of himself. Maybe he was just chasing that acceptance of what he once had from before, with the Retcoms and Quaritch. Of every little part of him, when he wasn’t changed.
However, in his escape, he hadn’t had expected was to end up back in his father’s grasp, having clawed himself back from the dead, once more. And this time he wasn’t so keen on letting his boy go any time soon.
Especially to the Sully’s.
Soon, Spider will have to come to a cross road. Back to the Sully’s eager embrace, or step into a new life where he is accepted fully into a clan.
What will his human torn heart choose?