Archive of Our Own ^beta

The door was right there. Not the exit door, Ragatha wished, the one that Pomni talked about when she showed up. Her bedroom door was there with her portrait glued. But it wasn’t really her, it was Ragatha’s. But she was Ragatha, inside of the circus. Outside, she didn’t know how to name herself. It’s been a while since she wandered her mind around who she was before she got trapped. The way she looks right now is far more different than when she was a human. Unfortunately for her conscience that memory was erased, something so essential and basic was gone and it felt like it was gone forever.

Those silly thoughts were driving her crazy again. Not the same way that it did when she popped out in this world, for sure. The feeling of amnesia would’ve sent her to abstraction a few years ago but now it was almost as if giving up was the pillow where Ragatha placed her head. However, the weight of nostalgia crushed her to the point of splitting her spine, to the point of breaking down. But she didn’t want that to happen, her friends didn’t need that. They needed a supportive friend who could change all sad thoughts, most. Sometimes her efforts bore fruits and other times she felt the failure all over her. That feeling was spending way too much time with her since Ponmi came. She didn’t want to place the blame on her but sometimes the girl would make her feel like she wasn’t enough. Well, that came out too harsh, she thought. Ragatha was grateful no one could hear her thoughts. If Caine one day revealed that he could actually read minds, she was willing to abstract herself right in front of everyone without a care in the world.

Her hand was about to turn the doorknob but for some reason she stopped. The reason in particular was the dead quiet hall, the silence was heavily horrible but the muffle broke that feeling. The sound was quick but very suspicious because she didn’t know exactly where it came from. Maybe if she waited a little bit more the muffle could repeat on its own and that is what Ragatha did.

If anyone happened to enter the hallway, they would see Ragatha standing with her hand on the doorknob, staring blankly into space, her mind waiting for the sound. It repeated itself, and indeed it was something Ragatha couldn't quite place. It sounded like someone pushing sheets with their feet. The scene was easy to imagine because the silence made it all the more vivid. It was coming from the opposite wall, right behind Ragatha. It was just one door away from being right in front of her. Pomni's door was closed.

She could go and confirm that the sounds were coming from her door. She just wanted to make sure everything was alright. In case her friend was in danger, she would come immediately because she was already nearby. She walked to her door and, without knocking, tilted her head so that it was level with her jester portrait. She stood there for a few seconds, hoping to know if her concern had any basis, if it wasn't just one of her paranoids. To her surprise, she was right; the sounds were coming from Pomni's room. It was a muffled sound, as if she was lying face down on her bed and her legs were pushing against the sheets. She felt disturbed to imagine something like that happening to her friend; she should let her be. But she didn't move from her standing position, waiting for something else. A sound perhaps a little louder than the previous one. And as if Pomni could read her mind, she heard it again.

After that another came at the same volume, but there was no silence in between. It was her breathing, now free from the sheets, clearly audible. It was punctuated by another sound in her throat. Ragatha suddenly began to feel worried, thinking of the worst possible scenario. An anxiety attack that was disturbing her before sleep, as often happened to the woman. A terrible thought that would push her into the abyss of abstraction. Lately, Ragatha'd been thinking about it a lot, Ragatha thought to herself; perhaps she needed a new distraction. In that case, it would be saving her friend from that possible fate because she couldn't imagine any other possibility.

She was afraid at first, afraid to open the door and see her slumped in her bed. Or afraid to open the door and be insulted for invading her privacy. They were both adults and needed privacy often; perhaps it was better if Ragatha followed that mindset. Her night could remain peaceful if she ignored the sounds that wouldn't stop and the volume that wouldn't be lowered. She turned the handle, but very slowly. She hated that her wrist had acted before she left, but it was quite late now, and the grate in the room was becoming more and more prominent. She turned it slowly because she didn't want to startle Pomni with a sudden slam of the door. She preferred to wait until the grate was narrow enough for her to peek through without putting her whole body through. Her eyes scanned a room decorated in reds and blues, so cluttered that it was difficult to find Pomni. Her bed was at the far end of the room, and she assumed she would be there. Ragatha was right, as the sheets were twisted all the way to the end of the bed. She expected a glimmer of darkness or bright colors; the concept of abstraction still confused her. She saw nothing of the sort, thinking it must be because of the distance between them. For some reason, Pomni's room not only felt bigger than hers, but it actually was.

Even though her whole head was sticking out of the door, she didn't understand what was happening. She considered the possibility that she was having a nightmare that wouldn't let her wake up. Hence the rapid breathing that didn't stop even after she entered the room. Ragatha was already disappointing herself even more; she was crossing a line when she decisively entered the room. Technically, the door wasn't locked, and she could have entered just as anyone could have. But that thought, meant to be reassuring, wasn't; it only made her feel worse. She thought about turning around, closing the door, and forgetting she'd ever been there. Another idea Ragatha dismissed when she saw that Pomni had her back to her and was shifting her position, hunching over even more. Ragatha thought she must be in pain, in some kind of writhing that was eating her up inside. She felt a chill run through her body, and her feet carried her to the edge of her bed in quick steps, making no sound with each footfall.

With each step she took toward Pomni, she realized she wasn't wearing her signature jester's hat. Her darkened hair obscured her face, and her body curled into a ball. The red and blue suit lay on the floor. Instead of her usual clothes—the backup outfit she might have worn if Caine had modified her wardrobe to expand her outfits, only had a loose blue shirt on; she couldn't escape from her character's predetermined colors. Part of the sheets covered the lower half of Pomni's body, which wasn't entirely concealed by her pants. They were pulled down, and her hips swayed as her hand rested between her legs.

Ragatha's entire body reacted with fear, as if she had touched a broken lamppost and the electricity had fried her brain, rendering her incapable of thinking forever. Her eye opened fully, taking in the scene more clearly so as not to dwell on any other possibility. What was happening was obvious: Pomni's hand was buried beneath the sheets that subtly covered her. Her eyes were closed because Ragatha had a long sequence of seconds to see without being seen.

Then the doll turned around, using what little sense she had left. It was difficult for her to process the scene in this universe where everything was garish colors and swear words were censored. She didn't consider herself a stranger to sex, at least not when she was in the real world. Since coming here, she hadn't had time to consider what she'd lost in terms of sex. Now she felt like she was the last person in the whole circus to be thinking about it. She was so disoriented that she didn't even notice the small rustling sound of her stuffing in her footsteps.

Her steps came to an end on her way to the door when she heard the worst thing behind her:

"Ragatha?"

Her voice was hoarse. On the second "a" of her name, she swore she heard it crack in her throat. She had to turn around, apologize, or beg for it. It wouldn't be difficult for somenone like Ragatha.

Her body spun around swiftly, and her hands clasped together in supplication.

"Forgive me, please! I didn’t mean to interrump you!"

Ragatha squealed in her room, pleading. She wanted to disappear right then and there. She didn't want Pomni to see her embarrassed face and get angry with her. That was the last thing she wanted to happen, for her to drag her out of her room yelling and then complain to everyone in the common room the next day.

"I didn’t want to upset you.. Please, believe me!"

Ragatha was viewed with suspicion because she was so obsessed with her friends that she even entered their rooms when they were defenseless. People would think the worst of her and leave her alone to reflect until her inevitable end came.

"I’m truly sorry!"

Ragatha closed her eyes, dreading the shock of what was to come. She didn't want to see any more of Pomni's intense gaze, the way the sheets were pulled up to cover her waist, the way strands of her hair fell over her shoulders, or how her loose shirt slid down, exposing one entire shoulder. She didn't want to be distracted by so many details that didn't help her at all; in fact, they only fueled the idea that she was a perverse person who had broken into her friend's room to spy on her.

“Ragatha.”

“You don’t have to say anything, I’ll leave, I promise”

She felt despair bubbling up in her throat. She felt the punishment coming with whatever Pomni said next.

“Ragatha.”

This time she sounded a little more compassionate, less surprised than before, but Ragatha didn't want to get her hopes up because of that tone of voice.

“It was my fault, I’m so sorry!”

“Ragatha, please!”

Ragatha looked up and saw again the image she would keep of Pomni. A girl in her bed with her sheets up, looking at her without any hatred in her eyes.

“Listen, I just wanted to tell you to stop shouting. They’re gonna find out if you keep it up.”

Oh, well. Her words made sense, and besides, she seemed to have some compassion for Ragatha and her situation. Lost in her own world, Ragatha went to the door and closed it, leaving the two girls in the same room. They stared at each other from where they stood, and Pomni didn't know what else to do but laugh. She threw her head back and let out the giggles she'd been holding in, as if releasing the sounds she'd been trying to muffle with her bed. Ragatha only understood what she'd done after seeing her friend's laughter. She felt terrible and ashamed, like a statue unable to move from its position. Her hands burned, and there wasn't a single fiber of her body that felt right.

She wanted to leave immediately, but she didn't want to shatter the bubble she'd created for Pomni. She was having the time of her life, despite the embarrassment of the situation.

“Sorry, you’re just.. very endearing.”

“Oh…”

The only expression her mouth could coherently form. Endearing? It's a way of describing someone who's just intruded on someone else's room. Pomni placed her hands on the whiteness of her face to calm the heat of her laughter.

“So… you’re not.. mad at me?”

Ragatha hoped she would answer kindly because she didn't think she had the composure it required. She wasn't going to blame her for her response because she had every right to kick her out of her room to make it clear that she was angry with her.

“No, not all. I should’ve been more quiet.”

Here was Pomni taking the blame and dumping it on herself. Ragatha couldn't understand how something like this could happen when she could come up with a whole list of reasons why Ragatha was wrong.

“No, No, Pomni you’re taking this the other way around. I am the one who did the wrong thing. I should’ve knocked on the door instead of bursting in.”

“Then, why did you do it?”

Pomni's intrigued expression somehow managed to ease all the fears Ragatha had built up since arriving here.

“Oh, ah.. I was walking to my room and I.. heard you.. here. I thought something bad was happening and wanted to check if you were okay, but without scaring you.”

As Ragatha told her story, Pomni watched intently, observing the gestures of her hands, even the subtle movement of her dress, which she hadn't managed to change for her pajamas. It was clear from her face that she was piecing together the events in her mind and intended to be honest, regardless of how she might appear afterward.

“And I understand that I should’ve knocked first, although I would’ve interrump you… your.. ah… doing but I did it with the best of intentions. Pomni, I’m so…”

Pomni focused her attention on what was covering the sheets as she pulled up her pajama shorts. Ragatha held back any apology she wanted to say.

“Sorry, I didn't want you to talk to me while my pants were down. It's weird.”

A nervous, gentle smile appeared on Ragatha's face, but she tried to hide the image she had created in her head of Pomni without her pants.

“Yeah, well, sorry about all of this, it’s what I wanted to say.”

“Okay I need you to stop doing that.”

Her body froze for a brief second, and it took many more seconds to recover after that. It felt difficult to ask Ragatha to stop doing something she did so often, even though the things she did by mistake didn't require an apology and she knew it.

“But I do feel sorry for it.”

“Then I need you to change that. I’m the one who feels bad that you had to find me like this but it’s fine.”

Ragatha nodded, but her brain was refusing to believe that was the case.

“It’s good to know that If something ever happened to me you’ll be there to make sure I’ll be fine. Maybe today wasn’t the case but that brings me reassurance, you know?”

Her eyes lit up at the words she so longed to hear. Her purpose was to help her friends; she didn't want them to suffer, even though she was going through the same or worse. All she truly wanted was for Pomni to be able to see it and admit it to Ragatha.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. You guys are very important to me and I appreciate that you can see that, even if that means showing up unannounced in your room.”

She let out a nervous laugh, which was met with a shy smile from Pomni. Now her plush hands moved a little more freely around her, and she didn't have to hold them to soothe her terror.

“So then, no weird feelings between us?”

Ragatha asked as a reaffirmation but also thought it might be the opportunity for Pomni to say: yes, I was joking with you and I'm an expert on the subject because I've spent enough time with Jax to know how to mess with your head, get out of my room.

“Of course not, you’re fine.”

Or she could say that too, much better for Ragatha's mental state. The two stared at each other for what felt like hours because the weight of not knowing who was going to speak was becoming heavy, until Pomni said:

“Am I too loud when I do it?”

The question caught Ragatha off guard, but anything Pomni had said could have driven her completely mad. Now, she had to decide whether to tell her the truth or disguise it so Pomni wouldn't feel hurt. She muttered through the possible words before finally answering.

“I just have a very good ear but… eh.. yeah, the silence wasn’t really in your favor.”

Pomni seemed to understand every word, but she didn't take it as a bad thing. There wasn't a trace of embarrassment on her face.

“ I should’ve taken that into account. Well, it’s the first time I’ve done that. In the circus, I mean.”

Ragatha was surprised by the fact that she admitted it; she even envied the honesty of the jester's words.

“It’s strange that we get here and forget about something so normal like.. touching yourself just because you’re trying to escape from a crazy adventure. When I got into bed today I thought, "I could do that once again.”

Now Ragatha felt guilty for interrupting what could have been a successful experiment. Reconnecting with a human aspect was nostalgic, regardless of whether it was of a sexual nature. Perhaps Zooble had been on that same train of thought when they made the request. Or perhaps not, and had simply succumbed to their desire without any further thought. She was about to apologize, as usual, but she knew she would turn down the apology. Ragatha didn't even know what Pomni was doing, much less the ideas she was hatching in her head.

“Have you done it, here in the circus?”

As if another question couldn't unsettle her delicate composure, this one sent her reeling into incoherence. What had once been normal was now disorganized by feelings of shame and a desire to abandon the conversation. Yet, something inside Ragatha urged her to continue this kind of talk. When would be the next time that she would share this kind of conversation? She didn't know. Besides, Pomni needed an answer from someone she could trust, and that person had to be Ragatha.

“Oh I have not. I barely thought about it.”

She answered obviously, but Pomni couldn't contain her curiosity and said:

“How did you manage to do that?”

She drew her legs up to hug them and cover her chest. Ragatha noticed the gesture; she couldn't take her eyes off her. The space on her bed was enormous, enough for her to stretch out completely on the mattress with Pomni beside her. But Ragatha understood that this wasn't an invitation to do so; it was simply a gesture made for comfort. It was enough that Ragatha was staying in her room.

“My mind is too caught up with these adventures and I can’t think of giving that kind of pleasure to me.”

“Why?”

How could she say this without sounding so miserable? Ragatha thought, but there really was no better way to say it if she wanted to be upright.

“I never had the time and I… it’s.. sorry because I don’t want to make you feel ashamed, but that’s weird.”

Pomni waited for her to continue explaining something that was becoming incredibly difficult for Ragatha.

“It’s like… too much work for only one…”

She didn't want to do it, she really didn't want to, but in the end she did. Pomni smiled, but not to mock Ragatha; the feeling came from the affection she had for her.

“Did you… used to think of that when you were outside or did you start to feel that way when you got here?”

The distance between them felt ridiculously vast to Ragatha, who desperately needed to feel close to Pomni, the one she was having this intimate conversation with. If she had ever spoken about masturbating with anyone in real life, that memory was erased from Ragatha's mind because it felt like the first time in her life she was using her mouth to talk about something she found so out of her world. She wringed out her brain to remember the young woman who had been before, the one who breathed with two lungs and had a beating heart. A young woman who had a sexual organ that had once given her pleasure, just as Pomni was asking about. But she couldn't. Something inside her refused to see it anymore, to speak about it.

“You don’t have to answer that, the question is really intrusive.”

“No, No, it’s not that.”

But it truly was. In Pomni's mind, it was a simple question anyone could answer, but for Ragatha, it was a question that forced her to break out of her shell. Ragatha's comfort zone, where she practically lived all the time, was controlled by her perfect feminine behavior, a world where anything related to sexual pleasure had to be handled by someone superior to her, someone the system had placed there to manipulate her like a rag doll. A man, who was supposedly the one who knew what she liked.

“Back then, I never had the opportunity to do it. Whenever the subject came up, first they laughed and then they would brush it off by saying that I had to wait.”

Ragatha was already taking a few steps toward Pomni's bed, almost as if she were going to collapse there, because she knew that dismantling her past was the equivalent of pouring everything out of her. The emotional weight of her past still lingered even in this distant place; it felt as if she had arrived just today. She was convinced that she could never escape the despair that lay beyond.

“They said I had to wait for the perfect guy for me and that was the only sexual talk I’ve ever had, aside from the things they taught me at school.”

As if it were the most ridiculous thing in the world, Pomni shook her head and her locks of hair brushed against her cheeks.

“Who told you something like that?”

The images of their faces were so distant that she could barely recognize them. Ragatha saw them as if they were on the other side of a screen blurred by bright, colorful particles, but she recognized the giggles and the hair that formed the bangs of one of them.

“The friends I had when I was in highschool.”

Pomni made a face of annoyance, her mouth narrowing into a thin line. By this point, Ragatha was already on the edge of her bed and wasn't thinking much about getting on it; they could both fit perfectly well. It wasn't until Pomni gestured for her to sit down, not by patting the mattress, but by running her ungloved hand over the sheets, smoothing the area where she wanted Ragatha to sit and that she finally did.

“I’ going to sound like an [BEEP] but you had some [BEEP] friends back then.”

The space between them was almost nonexistent; if Ragatha were to extend her leg, it would bump into Pomni's feet. Even with that in mind, she sat down, adjusting her skirt and clasping her hands together. The gesture was unique to a princess, learned long ago, when her mother still breathed on the back of her neck.

“Yeah. They weren’t really.. the best.”

“They were the worst. You can say it, they aren’t going to hear you.”

Ragatha found that funny, and Pomni shared that relief.

“Talking with them just made me feel worse sometimes. I wanted to talk about things that bothered me and I saw that people normally ran straight to their friends to do so. But whenever I did it something happened, of course.”

She tilted her head to one side and frowned.

“It felt like I wasted my time whenever I talked with them or sometimes I didn’t have the chance to do it because there was something more important to talk about than what I had to say.”

Looking for support, she used her hand to rest her head; sadness was adding weight to a mind that was just a concept within all her stuffing.

“At the time I didn’t see it that way but everyday that I spent with them it felt like… I was giving the best version of myself, meanwhile they returned it with their hurtful words.”

“But they weren’t right, Ragatha.”

That snapped her out of her little trance with the reassuring phrase, but there was still something stirring inside her.

“Were they? When they talked about boys I didn’t feel the urge to join the conversation, it was odd when one of them, I think it was Chastity, would talk about making out with a boy. All of that seemed like something that I wasn’t able to do.”

The concept of forgetting her own name, but not the girl's name who made her realize she was falling behind when it came to hooking up with guys, is tough.

“What was stopping you?”

Ragatha became still. It was a stop she made, similar to being stopped at a red light, forced to halt. She looked at her hands, searching for the right answer, and the only one she could come up with was…

“I don’t understand”

Pomni usually thought that she had explained herself poorly when asking the question, or that when she did, Ragatha wasn't paying attention to what she was saying.

“I mean, what made you think you were incapable of being with boys?”

If her skin were made of sweat-causing muscle instead of plush muscle, she’d be leaving a long sweat trail on the back of her neck.

“That’s it, I don’t understand. Being with a boy wasn’t the problem, it was what I was supposed to do. But… I… I don’t know.”

Pomni was doing her best to be understanding with Ragatha; her body was giving her signals of trust and was even helping her to open up a little more. She'd never had the opportunity to talk about… anything in general.

“I guess that’s what they told you.”

Her voice was dry and she was angry at people she had never met.

“Yes. They.. never told you?”

“I didn’t care about it that much.”

Ragatha was impressed by how free and spontaneous Pomni sounded. When Ragatha tried to hide that she was unwell, she said that, but most of the time it didn't sound genuine, and they quickly realized that. The question was whether anyone would care enough to know what was wrong with Ragatha.

“People told me that it was better to be with a man because it was easier and you might feel like it’s the truth. The reality is that being with a man feels like the safest option because everyone convinces you that it is, not because a man is inherently safe.”

The truth felt like a bucket of cold water, as if her world had been turned upside down, along with her heart, if she had one. Pomni was saying something she'd never heard anyone say. Ragatha was certain that if anyone had said something as comforting as that to her during her teenage years or even adulthood, her life would have been better.

“I understand where all your fears come from because I’ve been there, but I guess that I grow from that. Not that I’m insulting you or anything.”

Pomni quickly clarified, but Ragatha wasn't hurt by her comment. She'd heard enough of those crushing remarks almost all her life. What bothered her more was that she was stuck there, not in the circus, not in a bed that wasn't hers, but stuck in her teenage mind. She kept recalling the names of people who had made her believe that the idea of ​​being seen as a person was something foreign to her.

“Have you ever been with a boy?”

She asked because she had to. From where Ragatha came from that question meant the start of a long conversation about the ex-partners of friends and family, because it turned out everyone had a history with a guy except her.

“I make out with a few but I never took it too far.”

It was amusing for Ragatha the disconnection in which Pomni spoke of them. She was used to seeing the blush on her friends' faces, how they twisted their own hair when they thought about boys, and their laughter. Their laughter was teasing but also endearing; they would get excited by the smallest gesture one of the boys made for them. Ragatha was impressed by how little it took to impress them and usually compared everything she did for her friends, always feeling inferior to what a boy would do. A boy could say to one of the girls that her eyes were pretty, and for her, that was the most beautiful thing in the world, but if Ragatha told her the same thing, she’d interpret it as an envious comment. They blamed Ragatha for any misfortune, claiming she gave them bad vibes with all the compliments she gave them. Needless to say, Ragatha never understood that logic, but she stopped trying to cheer up her friends with those kinds of compliments.

“Ragatha?”

Listening to her own name got her out of the intense thoughts.

“Yes, sorry, what did you say?”

“I asked if you have ever been with a boy?”

Oh, right. In that case, she'd have to be honest. Pomni wouldn't make a horrible comment, as was expected from her friends.

“No, I’ve never.”

“Not even for a kiss?”

The question was suddenly intrusive, but Ragatha knew it was normal and she should continue with the conversation.

“No I.. I was once at a birthday party where a guy tried to kiss me but it was a bet. They were playing the game of the bottle and the dare was to kiss me. But before he could get close I leaned away.”

She still remembers how dizzy she felt when her head spun so fast. The boy’s breath smelled strongly of mint bubblegum, the kind that makes those with sensitive palates cry. In her head, she heard the echo of jeers as she ran for the exit. She felt hands on her arms trying to stop her, but she kept going without looking back.

Now she felt a palm on top of hers, white but warm for some reason she couldn't explain. She wondered if it was the same hand buried in the sheets when she was… but she knew it wasn't. She felt disgusted at the thought when Pomni had only meant to comfort her.

“You did good.”

“Did I tho? After that no one let me forget about it. I became a walking joke for weeks.”

They always talked about that moment as the funniest thing that had happened that year. Ragatha hated it, hated everyone for reminding her of it, but the only good thing that came out of that embarrassment was the attention she received. No matter how much she blushed at the sound of laughter and looked down at the floor each time, she always felt a hand brush against her shoulders and back for support, whether from laughter or pity.

They didn't touch her with the same intentions as Pomni; their touch was malicious. When Pomni did, she could feel those warm sensations coursing through every thread that connected her to her body. She was everything Ragatha needed most in that moment, and if she had known her sooner, Pomni would have been her safest place.

“They were a bunch of jerks.”

Pomni let out a gush of air through her nose, clearly angry.

“I hate them.”

She couldn't help but laugh, covering her mouth with the back of her hand. She found it endearing that Pomni felt this way about people she'd never met, that she didn't need to spend a day with them to reach a conclusion. Everything Ragatha said was enough to make her despise them.

“Yeah, me too.”

“They’re the worst.”

The two shared their respective smiles, their eyes maintaining the thin line of connection. Pomni's enormous eyes crinkled with her smile, and Ragatha thought the same would happen to her own single eye.

“Can I.. Can I ask you an uncomfortable question?”

Ragatha ventured to ask; this would be her only chance to find out, and if everything fell apart, she could always leave, but not before apologizing for her intrigue.

“Surprise me.”

Her response resonated as if she already knew what it was about. Perhaps Pomni was already anticipating the direction the conversation was taking because it was becoming so obvious. Even so, she was more than ready.

“Have you ever been.. with a girl?”

If she had asked that question in her village, she would have been treated worse than the witches of centuries past. If you weren't with the person you were expected to be with, it was better to be alone. And Ragatha fell into that category.

“Yes, a few more than with boys.”

It felt otherworldly to hear something like that come out of a girl's mouth. Her body felt like she was back at Chastity's house, and everyone was there with their mouths agape and shouting. She expected a gasp of surprise and for them all to back away from Pomni like she was a dead animal on the road. But that never happened because they were in the comfort of their room, with harsh lighting, and yet Ragatha was calm because it was just the two of them against... no one.

Pomni tilted her head slightly, waiting for a response, even though it hadn't been a question. Ragatha could only look at her, trying to understand how a girl could feel normal after doing all that.

“You mean, you have done the same things with boys, but with girls?”

She hesitated a little before answering, not so much out of fear but more out of uncertainty about how to respond.

“We could say that. Maybe I did more than one thing I haven’t tried on guys.”

Pomni seemed to have landed in a world that Ragatha was far from being able to see. The normalcy with which her voice made it seem drove her mad.

“And did the girls like it? I don’t know what you did but ah, you know what I mean.”

She felt tense, wondering if it was worth asking. She wanted to know if there were girls out there, besides Pomni, who were more than willing to go against the current, so to speak. To go against what everyone was saying.

“From what I know, yeah. I never heard a complaint when they were with me.”

She forced a smile, but something burned inside her. It couldn't be envy on both sides… Why? They were girls. Maybe it was resentment at being ridiculed, all that time she'd spent thinking about how defective her brain was. But Ragatha wasn't even convinced she was like Pomni. Could it be that Pomni was in the wrong and Ragatha was the truly sane one? Impossible. Neither of them were right. Because they were in this circus, in this absurd hell. What if they were paying for the sin everyone pointed to when they talked about homosexuality? Was Ragatha part of the community?
“They must’ve been nice.”

At least Pomni wasn't alone in her personal search; she had girls who helped her discover herself, and even if she had been judged, because she most likely would have been, she didn't let that paint her as a bad person. Even when she was caught with her hands in the sheets, she didn't feel like her world had collapsed.

“Most of them were, I was lucky. Some people have gone through worse relationships than me. Back there, we call them situationships.”

“Wah?”

“Don’t worry about it, you don’t want to have those.”

First, it blew her mind because she was one of the first girls to date other girls, and now she's coming to Ragatha with a whole new vocabulary. The year gap added to the weight of stress.

“And.. When you did that, what did you feel?”

Ragatha already felt ridiculous for asking something so subjective, but she needed to know. She was tired of always hearing how boys made girls happy, because her whole social circle revolved around girls. She never got to sit down and find out if any girl was happy being with another girl. Pomni smiled, and her shoulders relaxed, barely holding on. She closed her eyes for a few seconds and then opened them again for Ragatha. That small gesture was enough to put Ragatha on alert, not in a threatening way, but more as a reminder that she was being seen.

“I don’t know what to tell you. I could say that it’s great, fun, passionate even and ah.. There’s no word that can describe it perfectly. The only way to know it’s by…”

She didn't have to say it; Ragatha already understood. Her eyes only reinforced it. Ragatha had been questioning and interrogating Pomni for a while now, because she wasn't very much in love with boys. Maybe she never had been in the first place, and this was the day she was realizing it. Pomni had known this since she was very young, and had even lived that life, and Ragatha was only now letting it sink in.

“I’m such a disappointment.”

“What?”

The idea was to think about it, not say it. She was frustrated, as always.

“Because I’m dumb, I’ve spent all my life thinking that something was wrong with me when I was just.. I don’t even know what I am.”

Pomni's hand once again comforted the backs of Ragatha's hands. It was the most physical thing she could offer her.
“You don’t have to know now, it’s a matter of figuring out yourself without any pressure.”

“Easy for you to say. You had time to find girls who were willing to be with you, and you had a blast meanwhile I… I!”

You? You, what? You're so eager to talk and criticize everything, so go ahead. If you have something to say, now's the time. Ragatha.

“I have always been a dare no one has been able to complete.”

“Ragatha, you’re not just…”

But it was too late to snap her out of her trance. Her body was paralyzed by the memory of everyone mocking her. The girls arguing in a circle about whether they should give a boy a chance with one of them. The countless touches Ragatha felt from the only people who ever touched her, girls. They had always been in her life, yet she had never seen them as someone she could rely on to feel the same electricity as her friends felt with boys.

“All my teenage life has been wasted by now and being in love as an adult is laughable. Everyone of my age has done a million things I haven’t even imagined. No one likes an inexperienced woman. No one likes m…”

She would have liked to finish the sentence because until now she was convinced of it, if it hadn't been for Pomni's mouth. It must have been the adrenaline, Ragatha tried to excuse herself. No one in their right mind, of their own free will, would have lunged at Ragatha to kiss her. No one would do it the way Pomni was doing it: using both hands to hold Ragatha's face, her eyes half-closed, her head tilting to take the rest of her lips, her hands moving to her jaw and caressing her neck.

Ragatha felt her head being electrocuted, every circuit sparking, and her brain responding to nothing else. She wanted to reciprocate for Pomni, to show her that she could enjoy it too. But how? She had never gone this far, and surely this was common ground for Pomni. She knew what to do.

And it was noticeable from the way she briefly let Ragatha breathe through her mouth for a few seconds before closing their lips again. Perhaps the reason she couldn't think straight was because Pomni was stealing her breath.

“Wa.. Wait.”

Ragatha took hold of her shoulders, almost reaching her collarbone. She had large hands, and Pomni's body wasn't very broad compared to her own. For the first time in all the time they'd been together, Pomni's eyes narrowed so much that she could barely distinguish between blue and red. She didn't intend to keep her in suspense for long.

“Oh.. my god….. What am I going to tell my mother?”

“You’re thinking of your mom, right now?”

“Of course I have! If she finds out I’m…”

Pomni had no problem interrupting her, once again.

“Have you forgotten where we are? It’s not like she’s going to find out right away, unless Caine has some cameras that the real world could watch…”

“No, no, don’t do that. Don’t fill my mind with more scary thoughts. I'm begging you.”

Her hands glided over Pomni's slender bones. She felt the difference between touching something firm and not soft like her own. The sensation of bones was a distant memory; so much time had passed since she'd had a skeletal system that she saw it as a weakness. Something that could easily break. She didn't want to break Pomni; she was like a porcelain doll…

“But, If we get out, she’s going to know. I can’t ignore this like I used to do.”

Were there women like that in the town where Ragatha lived? No. Everyone knew each other and they all had normal lives. Boring, filled with desires dictated by books. The boys grew up with bicycles and toys, and she, as a girl, had to read about women getting married and having families. It was her mother's fault, who bought the books and gave them to her as a form of indoctrination. She never expected her daughter to want to be with a girl.

“She taught me better than this.”

There was something in Pomni's gaze that showed she was disappointed to hear her say something like that.

“When you got here I thought you did it for a specific reason, aside from making sure I was fine. Maybe you stayed because you wanted to learn a new way to release stress. For me it used to be “that” back there but I know that you have a different way to feel better.”

Wait, this was not what she…

“I don’t want to be the reason you get scared over this. All that I can tell you is that everything will be okay, no matter what happens. We don’t have to keep pushing ourselves so hard just to try something new.”

“Pomni I’m…”

She smiled, but it had to be a mask for what she was really thinking.

“What did I say about apologizing? It’s fine Ragatha. I’m glad you got here.”

That sounded like a goodbye, but it felt forced. Neither of them wanted to leave; she had to start over if she wanted everything to be resolved.

“I don’t want to leave. Now that I’m here I don’t want to let go of you. I feel like.. It’s the first time that I don’t want to do what my mother expects me to do and I promise you this is going to be the last time that I bring my mother into this.”

Ragatha put together her arms around Pomni and bent her body to rest her head on the jester's shoulder.

“You didn’t do anything wrong by kissing me.”

Pomni needed to hear that to return the hug. She lifted her body slightly so she could run her face through the red curls. She hadn't considered how incredible it was to hug a nearly life-sized plush doll. The softness was enviable, and its stuffing was far more satisfying than her pillow. The tighter she hugged it, the stiffer it became, as if it had the body of a human being. As scary as that sound, it was cute, at least for Pomni.

“Good to know.”

That was all Pomni could manage to sigh in her comfort. If she were to be crushed under Ragatha's entire body, she wouldn't complain…

Ragatha felt herself slowly lean forward with Pomni still clinging to her. Her bed made the sound of both girls lying down on it, except for the simple detail that Ragatha was on top of a much smaller body than her own.

“Uh… Pomni?”

Her white hands caressed the fabric of her dress on the back, feeling the thread from the patches. Probably from the many times her dress had torn due to the numerous wounds the doll had suffered.

“I’m right where I want to be.”

The sounds were barely audible because her mouth was so close to her collarbone. Ragatha thought it was her imagination, but the breath on her body brought a warmth she hadn't felt in a long time. Ragatha's elbows and knees were what was actually keeping Pomni from suffocating under the weight of her body.

“Lay down.”

“You’ll stop breathing.”

Ragatha reminded her, but Pomni was already there to demonstrate the logic that can only work out inside the circus.

“I can’t die of suffocation, remember? I’ll only turn into fuzzy colors.”

Ragatha rolled her eyes at the absurdity of it all, but played along. If that was what she wanted. She tilted her head to rest on Pomni's shoulder and leaned her whole body against her. She let her arms wrap around the girl's waist; her blood circulation wasn't going to stop just because her arm was underneath her. Pomni's hands rested on Ragatha's face, as if they belonged there. Her thumb stroked her cheeks the same way Ragatha stroked cats when she needed comfort.

“How many girls have you been with?”

As much as she was fighting to deny how relaxing it was to be in that position, she wanted to continue getting to know Pomni. Even if it meant feeling humiliated because of her complete inexperience.

“If I tell you, will you get jealous?”

She said it with a smile that Ragatha could perfectly picture in her mind. There was no need to overthink her answer.

“Yes.”

Ragatha felt Pomni's laughter throughout her body, like a soft, shifting roar. Her throat was the bridge that guided her to her mouth when it came to kissing. She let her lips kiss the base of her neck and move higher with each new kiss. Pomni didn't stop laughing, but she lowered the volume a little. She was more focused on feeling Ragatha's lips travel up to her cheeks, beneath her eyelids.

It was difficult for her to take the anatomy of their bodies seriously. She didn't want to say this to Pomni because it would ruin the atmosphere, but she couldn't help but smile when their eyes met. Those pupils were insane the more she looked at them. Not to mention how weird it was to make out with a girl that had a button for an eye.

“What?”

“Nothing”

Ragatha answered and continued planting kisses on Pomni's face, where her nose was supposed to be. Surely she did have one, because how else could she breathe and smell? That would be one more mystery to fall asleep to. Something clicked inside Pomni's head that made Ragatha kiss her lips again, her whole body pressed against hers. She tried not to, but a moan escaped her lips, which Pomni was happy to savor. Her fingers were in the curls of Ragatha’s, pulling her head closer to hers.

Ragatha swore she felt her tongue touch her lip and then the tip go beyond the edges of her mouth. Instinctively, she placed her hand on Pomni's waist, which surprised her because with a cool head, it wouldn't have occurred to her to encircle her waist with her fingers and leave her thumb almost on her stomach, but there it was. For a girl who rejected physical contact, she was excited to have her hand there and to be able to open her mouth wider to kiss more.

To change position, Ragatha placed her leg on the other side of Pomni, tucking it underneath her and covering everything with the wide skirt of her dress. She hadn't realized how inconvenient her outfit was until she remembered how comfortable Pomni would be in her pajamas instead of her jester costume. Ragatha hadn't had time to change into her usual nightgown with ties; Caine had it easy when it came to creating a rag doll's wardrobe. She wanted to feel every fold of Pomni's clothes, not the bulk of her dress. Ragatha was already familiar with her clothes; she wanted something new.

“Hey..”

Ragatha gasped. She hadn't realized how hot she'd left her. Maybe it was because she was on top, but Pomni was the one doing most of the kissing.

“Is it alright if I take this off?”

Pomni didn't need excuses to say otherwise.

“I can even help you if you want.”

“How generous.”

It was sweet to watch Pomni straighten up, ready to undress her. Ragatha turned her back to her, where the zipper of her dress was located. She gathered her reddish hair so it wouldn't get caught in the zipper, as had happened before when she'd tried to unzip it herself. It didn't take Pomni long to find it and carefully lower it, making sure it didn't snag on the fabric. When the zipper could go no further, Pomni pulled the dress down from her shoulders to her waist. Because of her design, Ragatha didn't come with a bra. This was something Pomni struggled to understand, since she had what were considered two breasts that needed at least a training bra. Ragatha had only turned halfway around, and Pomni was already wondering where she'd hidden the bras she'd stolen on a strangely human adventure.

“Is something wrong?”

Ragatha asked, seeing Pomni's lost gaze; she wasn't really that lost because her eyes were fixed on what was in front of her.

“Ye… No. No. I was just remembering I own a bra that can work for you, hold on.”

With a jump, she landed on the carpeted floor and walked to one of the boxes at the far end of the room. Ragatha couldn't help but wrap her arms around her chest, mimicking the function of a bra. Not having something to hold them in place was difficult when she took off her dress. For some reason, the front of her dress worked perfectly like a bra, but with any other garment, she needed exactly what Pomni was looking for. She held up a black boxer bra. It didn't need a clasp and didn't necessarily create a low-cut neckline.

“Why do you have that?”

Ragatha wanted to know, mostly out of curiosity.

“Remember that one adventure where we were at an NPC's house?”

Pomni walked up to her bed, first placing one leg and then raising her entire torso.

“In their closet they had a large set of bras, but I’m telling you an entire collection that puts the bra sections in stores into shame. I wanted to own a few and now I have them”

Ragatha smiled and accepted the bra Pomni handed her. The elastic band fit her breasts perfectly, but she had a slight problem when she slipped her arms through the straps and lifted the bra.

“Is this going to fit through my head?”

Pomni considered it too, but she put her faith in the piece of fabric. She knelt down and helped slip the bra over the doll's head. It was a little difficult, but she managed, and the bra slipped down over her breasts. Pomni tried not to lose sight of Ragatha as she adjusted it so it wouldn't slip off. To her surprise, it subtly revealed her cleavage. Ragatha stared at it.

“It’s funny.. You guessed my size right.”

For the first time, Pomni's cheeks flushed. Her little dots under her eyes were almost covered by her blush. As Pomni grew more and more aroused, Ragatha pulled the rest of her dress down until it reached her feet. Her character included a set of blue underwear, almost the same color as her dress.

“Don’t want to be the one to say it Pom, but I think that you should look the other way instead of my chest.”

She recognized this game; Pomni loved the mutual flirting. Several times she'd rejected the compliments men threw at her in real life. Right here and now, she was exactly where she wanted to be. Besides, this was a good sign. Ragatha was starting to feel confident. She helped her adjust her bun, which was still perfectly in place.

“It’s hard to do so when it comes to you.”

She placed her arms around Ragatha's shoulders and let the ends of her curls brush against her arms. They gazed at each other with genuine smiles. Unable to bear the tension any longer, Ragatha leaned in to kiss her lips, and was met with a sigh that she understood came from her nose. Her hands found their way back to Pomni's waist, almost hidden by the looseness of her shirt.

Their kisses intensified with each breath. More than kisses, they were the clash of lips that echoed through the room. No one else here would have Ragatha's audacity to enter the room, and she knew it.

“I would ask you to take off your bra but that would be ridiculous.”

Pomni said between the air spaces they left as a regard between the kisses.

“Considering the effort it took me to find it.”

“Oh, so now it’s mine?”

Ragatha asked playfully as her hands slipped beneath her shirt. She was impressed by how she didn't even need to look at what she was doing to do it well; it seemed like an art she had mastered. Surely it was a mistake in Pomni's sentence, considering how difficult it would be for her to think too, but it was the opposite.

“It’s yours for all that matters.”

She must have felt Ragatha's palms move up over her sides, where her ribs were supposed to be. Pomni wrapped her arms around Ragatha's neck and captured her lips again. Ragatha bent over, letting Pomni lie flat on the mattress, the pillow providing her with better support. She continued kissing her because that was her newfound, unwavering belief. She hadn't felt so safe in a long time, she even thought, never until now. The higher her hands traveled over Pomni's body, the more she realized how soft and smooth it was compared to Ragatha's rough texture. That detail didn't seem to bother Pomni much, as she pressed her torso against Ragatha's.

She didn't know what else to do. She was at the top by only knowing the basics, and she couldn't even say she knew them all. At some point, one of them was going to get fed up, and if they had human-like bodies, their lips would be swollen like fish lips. Ruining what they were doing felt like the biggest disappointment of her life. Pomni kept rubbing her torso against hers, and the most Ragatha could do was kiss her. She lowered her lips to her neck and began to suck and lick. She refrained from biting her because she considered that something only animals did, and Ragatha felt was better than that. It wasn't as if Pomni would mind, either; her neck tilted to let her trail kisses down her neck.

Then, Pomni found Ragatha's hands beneath her shirt and grasped her wrists. She had been expecting Pomni to stop her there, to reprimand or scold her. Instead, she raised her hands so that her palms rested on Ragatha's chest. She felt small bumps, smaller than her own, yet firm, like the rest of her body. She simply placed her hands on them, testing the new territory she had come to like.

“Squeeze them, play with them, do… anything to them, please.”

In a way, it was a reproach, but it came with a solution. Pomni sounded desperate and almost breathless. Perhaps the hope of doing the same to Ragatha was driving her mad. Ragatha had her legs between Pomni's, sitting on top of her, and could feel Pomni's legs behind her. It amused her to think of Pomni as if she were a chair. She felt utterly ashamed after thinking that; she needed to distract herself more often.

She used both hands to squeeze both of her breasts at once. First she did it slowly, then she squeezed harder and harder, without hurting her. If every touch drove her wild, she was already ecstatic to finally have someone who could touch her. Pomni tried to keep her eyes open, but she squinted when Ragatha squeezed a little more, and a little more. Pomni reached up to the doll's face and placed her thumb at the corner of her lips. Ragatha opened her mouth slightly, and the finger slipped in through that small opening. At first, it was just resting there, but Ragatha understood that she had to do something with Pomni. She wanted to know everything about being with a woman, and that meant savoring every aspect, every detail, absorbing all the knowledge she was being given. She tasted the finger like a new candy, circling it with her tongue. She kept touching Pomni's chest, biting and licking to ease the almost nonexistent pain Pomni felt. If Pomni were a rag doll like her, she would bite her finger so hard the marks would be there forever. Dolls didn't feel pain, but Pomni did; she didn't want to hurt her.

Ragatha bent over even further, her lips almost touching her cheeks. Both of them couldn't suppress their smiles. Her thumb was dripping with saliva, but Pomni wiped it away with her own saliva as she put it in her mouth.

“Do you know what’s the best thing out of this world?”

Pomni spoke as she straightened up, propping herself up on one elbow on the mattress, turning onto her side and letting Ragatha finally fall onto it. Her curls spread across her pillow, and Pomni wanted to appreciate that for a few brief seconds. Ragatha expected Pomni to position herself in the same place as her, but she kept moving lower and lower. Until she was at her feet, with both hands on each leg and her knees glued. That way she kept her legs close.

“That it doesn’t matter if you lack the parts, you can still feel them.”

Pomni parted Ragatha’s legs. She felt her whole body burn, but the area that felt the most intense heat was her lower body. More than pain, which she never felt, it was a tingling sensation accompanied by a fear of letting out a sound. Ragatha resisted the urge to place her hand between her legs and instead kept it near her mouth, to avoid any noise that might ridicule her. For some reason, the cold air clashed with the warmth of her groin, and having someone right there only made Ragatha a little more intimidated.

“I’ll treat you nicely, trust me.”

Pomni said as her hands slid from her knees to her thighs. Her thumbs massaged her inner thighs with each squeeze. Her head moved closer and closer to her underwear, and Ragatha felt a twist where her stomach would be. She usually associated that with a fearful reaction when the adventure was terrible. Now it was completely different from any feeling she could imagine.

Ragatha felt she had to open her legs a little wider and let out a few sighs. She would understand perfectly from where she was. When Pomni's thumbs reached the garter of her underwear, Ragatha finally felt that this was her moment. She had reached something she felt no one had ever experienced before.

Pomni began by kissing the surface of her area, which was completely flat, since her design didn't come with a pre-existing vagina. It was enough that Ragatha had sagging breasts. But going back to what Pomni had said earlier, she still had her parts, even though she couldn't see the lips surrounding her clitoris. The first kisses were the warm-up Ragatha needed to get an idea of ​​what was to come.

“Everything good up there? Do I keep going?”

Pomni wanted to make sure without lifting her head too much from where she was. Her breath was blowing hard on the sensitive spot, and the simple act of making sure she was okay, especially since this was her first time, was enough to excite her to the point of collapse.

“Yes, please… just do it.”

Ragatha quickly covered her face with her palms, squeezing the strands of hair that clung to her forehead. With that reassurance, and also a plea, Pomni slid her underwear down with her fingers. The curtain’s up, Ragatha thought ironically, reflecting on what she believed to be her lucid moment but was actually part of her ecstatic delirium. Not wanting to miss a single detail, she propped herself up on her elbows, watching Pomni's face cover itself from her mouth down. When she felt her tongue brush against where her clitoris would be, Ragatha lost all control of her body, and Pomni made sure to not stop.

She didn't want to think about what would come out of her mouth, how she tilted her head back until her curls brushed against the mattress. Nor did she think about how her body consciously worked on its own, using her hips to seek greater friction. Now she understood why, when they were kissing, the girl's body kept brushing against hers; she was looking for something much more sensual. She had to take note for next time; she hoped the next occasion would be soon. If Ragatha was good the first time, Pomni could invite her back. Pomni pushed her head down while sucking and let her hands wander around her waist, squeezing her sides like a stress-relieving toy. Ragatha even considered selling herself as a good tool for relieving daily stress, just so Pomni could devour her.

She was capable of doing anything to enjoy this more often. Pomni forgot to mention how addictive this could be.

“God, Pomni, please don’t ever stop…”

She tried to pull other compliments from her drawer of thoughts, something that will feed Pomni's spirit.

“You... you are doing so good, please…”

Yes, yes, don't stop, keep going, keep going. She was starting to sound like dolls repeating the same thing when you pull their strings. Pomni really had control of that; she could do whatever she wanted with her and call it a lesson. Ragatha didn't even want to argue anymore about how one girl can do this with another girl; all she did was move her hips to press against Pomni's mouth, feeling it open wider. Sometimes she felt strands of hair brush against her thighs, and Ragatha would giggle, but she'd choke back with another moan.

Pomni wasn't far behind, managing to utter phrases between gasps when her head wasn't between her legs. Her voice cracked, making it clear that having Ragatha was completely erotic.

“You’re so sexy… I need you more.”

To say that Ragatha was blushing was stating the obvious. The main reason she hadn't had any sexual thoughts was because of her character's nature. Separating the fact that she's a human being trapped inside a rag doll makes it hard to call her… how was it? sexy.

“Take everything…”

As she was saying, this business of thinking was more complicated than expected. The fact that Pomni was able to see her as a human being and kiss her said a lot about her. Ragatha thought it put Pomni in a bad light to like ​​pulling down her underwear and eating her out, but since she was the doll, she wasn't going to complain; in fact, she encouraged her. And if she wanted to talk about oddities, she was included too, because who in their right mind touches a jester’s breasts? Ever since they'd been in the circus, that fine line between reason and desire had been dancing like a skipping rope.

“Please, love, faster.. !”

Each vowel she uttered cracked like glass. Her hips were giving out, and she was beginning to believe the tingling sensation was endless. Ragatha was still a novice at this and didn't know if it would ever end. She hoped not, but Pomni couldn't do this forever. Or could she, because the girl just wouldn't stop.

She hesitated for a few moments before giving her a final kiss, replacing it with her hand. With her thumb, she pressed and then dragged it over her clitoris. Her finger was spot on because Ragatha bit her lip and let her body fall completely onto the mattress. It was easier to pick up the pace with one hand; it wasn't as if her mouth had been useless. Pomni leaned closer to kiss her abdomen, savoring every part of her and running her tongue over it. Ragatha released her hands from her face and reached out to stroke Pomni's hair, dark and straight. Pomni raised her head toward her, her eyes reduced to two dilated pupils; it was mesmerizing to watch her, and her hand rested on her cheek.

“You’re doing such a.. good job. Pom… love!”

One of her fingers pushed in deeply and then withdrew, repeating the motion smoothly and gradually increasing the intensity and speed. Ragatha tried to memorize every maneuver Pomni performed, but it became impossible when everything blurred and all she could see was the ceiling.

Then, she felt a wave of euphoria wash over her entire body. She went from burning up all over to being almost cold. Her legs trembled before she collapsed onto the mattress. Pomni still had her hand between her legs, still touching what was her final orgasm. She let out a loud sigh, which could have been from satisfaction or exhaustion, but Ragatha didn't want to dwell on it. She raised her arm as best she could to ask Pomni to come closer, and when she did, she bent her down to kiss her. Pomni placed her hands on Ragatha's chest, using them more for support than for squeezing as she thrust her tongue into a mouth. Pomni positioned her legs on either side of Ragatha, with some difficulty since she had to spread them wide to be fully seated. If they were in their human bodies, Ragatha would be feeling the way Pomni's lips were wet against her abdomen. But only Pomni knew that. She sat up straight, just as Ragatha had done before, but unlike her, Pomni knew what she was doing, and Ragatha could see it in her face. After all, she felt weak but very energetic; she wanted to continue and see how far her body could go.

“You tired?”

Pomni asked from what seemed to be the highest she had ever reached. She was on a podium that only Ragatha could raise or lower her at will. She loved power, that was for sure, but she liked it best when she was on the mattress receiving all the appreciation.

“No, I’m fine. And you?”

She was being polite, but the answer was obvious.

“I’ll let you know.”

What did that mean? Ragatha worried briefly that she wasn't able to figure it out. Then she felt Pomni's lower body constantly brushing against her abdomen. Slowly, she knelt on the bed to lower herself even further and feel Ragatha completely. To steady herself, she placed her hands on Ragatha's sides, just below her breasts. She closed her eyes and then opened them, looking down at her doll. She preferred to fix her gaze on her rather than imagine a different scenario. She wasn't doing this alone; she had company, a novice who was trying hard to be nice. So nice, in fact, that she placed her hands on Pomni's waist and trailed her fingers down her back. Gradually, their touch intensified, managing to soothe the swelling she felt between Ragatha's legs. She realized she was feeling the heat again beneath her. She had imagined it was a one-time thing, but it turned out it could be endless. At least for Ragatha.

She felt bad for those girls who didn't find pleasure in being with another girl. She even felt sorry for her past self, who had been convinced, to a certain extent, that she needed a man to feel complete. That she wasn't worthy of being in a sexual position and that being with another girl was out of the question. She threw all those thoughts into the fire; she wanted them as ashes to remember, to make herself feel better, because now she had what she wanted most.

“I.. I’m almost there..”

Pomni had been a little louder when she'd been doing it on her own. Now she seemed to be controlling her voice and cutting off any noise that might escape her throat. Ragatha wanted that to change, for her to say everything she needed to say and not just hold back. But she couldn't simply tell her to do it; she had to encourage her in another way.

Her hands moved up from under her shirt to her breasts, pressing her thumbs in her nipples. Pomni lowered her head instinctively, following every sensation with her body, and her hands mirrored Ragatha's, placing themselves on her own chest, over the clothing.

“You’re goi… going to make me…”

Her fingers touched Ragatha's more than her skin. She felt them being squeezed and caressed from the front and the side. Pomni’s hips moved frantically over Ragatha.

“What? What am I doing to you?”

Pomni stopped biting her lips and closed her eyes. She seemed to mute a lot of energy, but she was letting herself be drawn into the conversation.

“Feel good.. I’m feeling so good, th.. Thanks to you.”

It was exhilarating to see her so disheveled above her. Her hair fell across her face, thanks to the absence of her hat. It looked adorable on her, but it was so out of place. The folds of her shirt creased with every brush against Ragatha's texture, which she had thought might make things worse, but it seemed to be quite the opposite. It wasn't as smooth as her bed pillow nor as firm as the mattress, yet Pomni was happy to be on top of her. It was funny to see her excited to be perched on Ragatha's belly because it brought back memories of riding her favorite horse. Well, she was going to dismiss that memory right now because it wasn't the time. She didn't want to assimilate animals right now, but the act of riding was… peculiarly similar to what Pomni was doing. It would be adorable if Pomni had taken the information that Ragatha had horses as an advantage right now to please her, but that would remain just a fleeting thought in Ragatha's mind.

“I want t.. to finish, can I..?”

Why was she asking? Ragatha wasn't nervous about restraining any longer, especially since the way she asked was so submissive and adorable. Her hands were still pressed against her breasts, and she began to soften their firmness.

“Yes, love. I want to hear you do it.”

As if on cue, she ended the caresses swiftly, almost using her legs for support. This time, she tilted her head slightly upward, stretching her throat to let out a small squeal, a sound Ragatha hadn't heard since bursting into her room. Then she was panting, her chest rising and falling, her breathing returning to normal. Ragatha's hands were still under her shirt, sliding down her body until they reached the sides of her legs. She gripped Pomni's back and pulled her closer. Her reflexes were faster than she expected, and she used her hands to stop herself from colliding with Ragatha's head. Instead, they kissed deeply, their teeth almost crashing. Ragatha's hands moved to Pomni's ass, massaging it with her eyes closed. She heard Pomni whisper her name, almost inaudible, but enough for her. Pomni's back bent to lift her ass and her hands rested on Ragatha's shoulders, slipping her fingers under the strap of her bra.

When their mouths parted and their eyes met again, something stirred in Ragatha's chest. She wasn't waiting for Pomni to place her hands there; it was something deeper. Looking Pomni directly in the eyes, after all, tickled her. Her eager persona was coursing through her body, and she soon felt self-awareness taking hold. There was no regret in either of their glances; it was an act of complicity that they both enjoyed to the fullest.

Pomni surrendered her entire body onto Ragatha's, resting her head above her collarbone, her arms unsure of what to do with them. Ragatha was touched that Pomni was still lying on top of her, even if it wasn't to seek physical contact. She simply wanted warmth. Ragatha wrapped her arms around Pomni as if she were protecting her and turned her whole body toward the side facing the door through which she had entered earlier, what felt like an eternity ago. Since it was supposed to be bedtime, no one was going to disturb them, and she was happy about that. Ragatha kept her arms around Pomni, almost resting her entire body on top of her, but she knew that Pomni loved it that way. She wanted to know everything that Pomni loved, not just women in general, but just her and Pomni.

“How do you feel now that you have done it with a girl?”

Pomni asked in a sweet voice, clearly happy to be there.

“Speechless.”

“Exactly.”

Ragatha was really trying hard to think of a better response, but her mind wasn't helping her much. Pomni's hair was all over her face, and her nose was pressed against it, inhaling her scent until she could capture it forever. She planted a kiss on the back of her head.

“It was the best I’ve ever felt.”

It was still very general, but it was the best she could work with.

“I’m really glad you enjoy it.”

She said with a sigh that felt like a yawn. It was normal to feel tired after all the work she had done.

“I loved everything, I.. thank you for being there for me.”

Pomni opened her tired eyes. She turned around to face Ragatha and see her own face. She placed her hands on the doll's cheeks and stroked them innocently.

“Thank you for stopping by.”

Ragatha couldn't suppress her laughter and tried to keep it short so as not to disturb anyone outside. Luckily, Pomni had no neighbors who would be bothered by the noise.

“I can do it as many times as you like.”

This time, Pomni blushed all over. She hadn't expected Ragatha's response, or the confidence with which she spoke. These were words that came from her sincerity, and Pomni took them as if they were all the truth she needed.

“I’d love that.”

Very well, they were both as flushed as a garden of poppies. Ragatha gently kissed her lips, as if she really were a poppy and didn't want to shatter its petal. It was lovely when her lips mirrored hers, making her feel like the most delicate thing in the world. She felt honored by this. In perfect sync, they separated and gazed at each other with smiles. Pomni's hands rested on Ragatha's chest, her legs bent, slightly hunched over Pomni. She felt the urge to place one leg over Pomni's, and Pomni positioned hers so that their legs formed a sort of loop.

“So, why did you choose a sports bra out of the options?”

Ragatha asked without thinking much through a filter of reasoning.

“It’s what I used to wear when I was a human and I thought you’ll look great with one. You look like a fighter about to beat my [BEEP]”

Ragatha opened her eyes in surprise. And here she was, thinking that she was the one with the most twisted thoughts, contemplating biting every part of Pomni's body.

“That doesn’t sound so attractive Pom.”

“Oh, but it is. You just have to see my vision.”

“I hardly think we can think alike.”

Pomni rolled her eyes, but not in a derogatory way. As much as she might want to, Ragatha couldn't see what Pomni saw, and that was an advantage for her because she could spend all day saying how incredible Ragatha was.

“Did I.. Did I do it right? You know, since it’s my first time doing this and considering that you had more girls to practice with, was I-”

“Gorgeous.”

She was beginning to believe that Pomni's favorite thing was to interrupt her.

“Okay, that wasn’t the question. Did I do it right? Yes or no, and if so what can I do to..”

“Nothing, you were gorgeous.”

“Pomni, don’t [BEEP] me off.”

Pomni laughed as if her impatience was terribly adorable.

“Everything that you were doing made you look unbelievably gorgeous and that it’s all that matters.”

Ragatha stared at her for a while, trying to understand every word but failing in the attempt.

“Really?”

“Absolutely.”

There was no doubt in Pomni’s eyes if Ragatha could trust her own intuition.

“Alright, I’m gonna have to believe you.”

“Of course, you sweet dummy.”

“Don’t call me that.”

She didn't care if she called her that or any other insult that might hurt her, she still loved her.

“Gorgeous.”

Okay, that’s not.

“Let’s go back to calling me dummy.”

Pomni looked surprised but continued to be playful.

“I thought you liked being called what you are.”

“Yeah that’s why I’m telling you to call me dummy.”

“But I can’t call you gorgeous?”

Will she ever get tired of calling her that?

“I feel like it’s a strong word to refer to me.”

“It suits you just fine.”

No one had ever called her that before, not even jokingly. Her mother called her sweetheart when she was threatening her, her friends told her she looked decent when she wore a new dress she was excited to wear, and those were the nicest compliments Ragatha could think of at the top of her head.

“I’m not very sure about that.”

Pomni ran her palm over Ragatha's cheek, coincidentally the same one where her button eye was.

“Believe it every time I call you that, okay?”

Ragatha nodded, but felt her eyes and nose burning. She didn't want to start crying now and worry Pomni by having to reassure a girl still burdened by the insecurities of her youth. She had to be beautiful for Pomni, and she would be, but... she hadn't the slightest idea how. It seemed Pomni wasn't going to elaborate on it.

She kissed her cheek and straightened up to reach for the edges of the bedsheet. She pulled it up to Ragatha's shoulders, the fabric feeling terribly cold, but Pomni snuggled closer. She felt warmth again.

“Goodnight, gorgeous.”

Ragatha placed her hand on the back of Pomni's head and kissed her forehead without moving her bangs.

“Goodnight, beautiful.”

—

The wall wasn't the same as in her room; it was a blue that, though dark, was jarringly saturated. She couldn't forget where she was or how she'd gotten there. Pomni was still fast asleep beside her, curled up in a perfect spot where she could see her closed eyes and her mouth opening and closing with each breath. Ragatha felt it would be illegal to move a single arm because that would only wake her up. She didn't know the time, and no one else in the entire circus was awake for sure. Ragatha suffered from terrible insomnia some nights, or sometimes she'd wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare that shook her to her core. This time, however, it was nothing like that. She woke up on her own and was frustrated that it had happened. She wanted to keep sleeping with Pomni until morning came. Until they were shaken for being lazy and thrown into a new adventure against their will. But today, she had to stick to the routine of not sleeping; her body knew it so well that it had grown accustomed to it. She cursed every fiber of her being.

She remembered how, as a little girl, she got told to count sheep to fall asleep. She would imagine them jumping over a fence one by one until she reached a high number, sometimes 100, sometimes fewer, and then she would fall asleep. It worked quite well for her as a child. Not so much as an adult, because when she first arrived at the circus, she had a lot of trouble falling asleep. She couldn't stop thinking about what the next day would bring, and sleep didn't feel like the ideal option, but she had to. Well, her body didn't really demand it, but Ragatha wanted to maintain her human habits. She wanted to continue treating her body as if it needed to be cared for and kept in good condition. So she would count the sheep, watching them jump and pass one after the other, and another and another… until there was no flock left. It was really the frustration that came over her when she couldn't sleep.

Counting sheep wasn't really the point right now because she didn't want to spoil her mood any more than it already was. Instead, she came up with a different, shorter game. Each of Pomni's eyes had three eyelashes; one was on the bottom and the other on the top. Right now, they were tucked under her eyelids, and she had no intention of opening them anytime soon. Ragatha saw them as petals from the flowers that grew in her yard and garden: daisies, specifically. Her mother didn't like them because she thought they were plain and always appeared along weeds. That's why Ragatha carefully cut them and kept them in her room without her mother or anyone else noticing. They withered over time, but she kept them tucked between the pages of books she knew she would never open again. Once, a neighbor picked one of her daisies and showed her a game.

“For every petal you pluck, you have to ask, "Do he love me? Do he love me not? Do he love me? Do he love me not ? Do he love me?" until the last petal of the daisy gives you the answer.”

Ragatha thought it was a fun game and started playing it with every daisy she found. Its petals were endless, and it always changed its answer. When she was playing, she wasn't thinking about anyone. Not a single boy or girl had ever crossed her mind. Now she was.

Do she love me?

She said with the first eyelash.

Do she love me not?

Second.

Do she love me?

She stopped at that moment because she started thinking about the numbers and it just so happened that she started off badly, again.

Do she love me not?

One.

Do she love me?

Two.

Do she love me not?

Three.

Do she love me?

Four, just two left.

Do she love me not?

Five

Do she love me?

She loved me.