Work Text:
Shane Hollander & Ilya Rozanov Answer the Web's Most Searched Questions
WIRED Autocomplete Interview
SHANE
I'm Shane Hollander.
ILYA
I'm Ilya Rozanov.
SHANE
And this is the WIRED Autocomplete Interview.
Black text appears on a white background.
Autocomplete suggests the most common searches on the internet
ILYA
Welcome! I am very excited.
SHANE
Our agent made me do this.
ILYA
Lies!
So WIRED asked Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov some of the internet's burning questions
ILYA
What… team does Ilya Rozanov play for? The Ottawa Centaurs, baby! We're back on the ice tomorrow night. Come see us.
SHANE
Ilya, who knows when this is coming out.
ILYA
We are still probably playing a game somewhere. Come see us.
Cut to next clip.
ILYA
What is Ilya Rozanov's… glute routine. Ha! Lots of squats. Lots of deadlifts. Lunges. Many—
SHANE
He could go on about this all day if you let him. Please don't.
Ilya frowns exaggeratedly at the camera.
Cut to next clip.
ILYA
Where is… Ilya Rozanov from. Я из России. Прошло пятнадцать лет, а вы до сих пор этого не знаете?
The Russian is translated at the bottom of the screen: I am from Russia. Fifteen years and you still don't know this?
Ilya rolls his eyes and Shane smiles at him.
SHANE
Maybe they're new hockey fans.
ILYA
Maybe they should learn to recognize accent.
Shane laughs.
Cut to next clip.
ILYA
How… do you pronounce Ilya Rozanov.
SHANE
(with a proper accent) Ilya Rozanov.
ILYA
Yes. Like that. Not boring Ilya Rozanov with boring accent.
Cut to next clip.
SHANE
How… many cups did Shane Hollander win. Four! Three Stanley Cups for Montreal and one for Ottawa. If we keep up what we're doing now, it's looking like we'll get another one this season.
ILYA
Go Centaurs!
Cut to next clip.
SHANE
Shane Hollander… husband. Is it asking who my husband is?
Ilya wraps his arm around Shane's shoulders and tugs him into his side. Shane almost drops the question board as he tries not to fall over in his chair. He's holding back a smile.
ILYA
Ilya Rozanov! Winner of two Stanley Cups! Captain of 2014 Russian Olympic Hockey Team! Center and captain of Ottawa Centaurs! Winner of Hart Memorial Trophy!
SHANE
He could literally keep going until his voice gave out.
ILYA
Husband of Shane Hollander! Previous captain of Montreal Metros! Co-founder of Irina Foundation! Second best player in the NHL! Winner of—
Shane shakes his head, smiling.
Cut to next clip.
SHANE
What… languages does Shane Hollander speak. Je parle français. Я также говорю по-русски. I'm still mostly learning that one though. My grandma taught me a little bit of Japanese when I was little.
Translation at the bottom of the screen: I speak French. I also speak Russian.
ILYA
Shane's Russian is very good.
Cut to next clip.
SHANE
Did Shane Hollander… retire. What? No!
Ilya laughs loudly, his head tipped back.
SHANE
I haven't even taken any significant time off to warrant this question. What the hell? I just moved teams.
ILYA
It must be from Montreal fan. They hate you so much over there.
SHANE
They would make this a search result just out of spite. Boston, why aren't you like this for Rozanov? Get busy!
ILYA
What? No!
Cut to next clip.
SHANE
When did… Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov start. Well, we both got drafted to the NHL in 2009. So that's when we started with professional hockey, technically.
ILYA
But we started our relationship in—
Shane shoves him and Ilya shoves him back and laughs.
SHANE
That's redacted. What were you even going to say?
Cut to next clip.
ILYA
How did… Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov meet.
SHANE
We met at the World Junior Hockey Championships in 2008.
ILYA
And…?
SHANE
And what?
ILYA
Who won World Junior Hockey Championships in 2008?
Shane gives a deadpan look to the camera.
ILYA
Russia!
Cut to next clip.
SHANE
Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov… dog.
ILYA
Anya! My baby. мой милый маленький щенок.
Translation at bottom of screen: My sweet little puppy.
SHANE
Our dog's name is Anya. She's the best.
ILYA
You can go look at pictures of her on my Instagram and then get jealous that she's ours and not yours.
SHANE
She's with my parents right now. She has different people she stays with when we're out of town, but she loves my parents.
ILYA
I really want to get her a sibling so she's not as alone when we're away.
SHANE
But we haven't been home long enough lately to do it. We don't want to be away while we bring a new dog home.
ILYA
I miss her.
Ilya frowns and looks at Shane.
Cut to next clip.
ILYA
When is Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov's… birthday. Birthday? We don't have the same birthday. Bad question.
SHANE
We were born in the same year though. I'm older by one month, almost exactly.
Ilya rolls his eyes.
ILYA
Ah, why is everything a competition with you?
SHANE
Says the man who called me the second best player in the league earlier.
ILYA
I am only stating facts.
SHANE
Which one out of the two of us has the most cups? Best All Star records? Who—
ILYA
Who has scored more goals this season? Is me, no?
SHANE
Who leads the league in assists?
ILYA
Wyatt Hayes.
SHANE
What? He's the goalie!
Ilya laughs and hands the question board to Shane.
ILYA
It's your turn.
Cut to next clip.
SHANE
Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov… Hayden Pike? Hayden! He's the first line left wing for Montreal. And my best friend.
ILYA
Enough about Hayden Pike. Back to us, please.
Ilya reaches for the question board and Shane hugs it to his chest, laughing and shaking his head.
SHANE
Montreal won last night. Congrats, Hayden!
Ilya groans loudly and tilts his head back.
SHANE
I love you, man. I know you're watching this because Jackie loves these interviews.
Ilya perks up and nods.
ILYA
I love you, Jackie Pike.
Cut to next clip.
ILYA
When will… Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov retire. When will we retire? When will Scott Hunter retire. That man is one hundred thousand years old. Too old to still be playing hockey.
SHANE
You see, Ilya wants the public to think him and Scott Hunter hate each other, but they're actually friends. They were texting before we came on set.
Ilya's head turns sharply to Shane, a betrayed and outraged look on his face.
ILYA
Why would you lie about that? (to the camera) Do not listen to him. Scott Hunter, you need to retire. You would make good house husband.
SHANE
That sounds like a compliment, Ilya.
ILYA
[BLEEP] you!
Cut to next clip.
SHANE
Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov… kids. Nosy, much?
ILYA
(sighing) No kids. But maybe Anya needs a human sibling, yes?
SHANE
Okay, and who is going to take care of that human sibling while we're out of town? Actually, why are people googling this? Do people think we have kids?
ILYA
We need to ask Harris what people are saying about us online.
SHANE
That's not even his job anymore.
ILYA
He would still know, though.
SHANE
He would.
Cut to next clip.
ILYA
Are Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov… gay. Это снова Россия. Где ты был?
Translation at bottom of screen: This is Russia again. Where have you been?
ILYA
I am not gay. Shane is super gay.
SHANE
Why'd you say it like that?
ILYA
Is true!
Cut to next clip.
SHANE
Shane Hollander… back arch. Excuse me?
Ilya laughs so hard he nearly topples over in his chair.
ILYA
They are talking about that one picture of you. You know the one.
SHANE
No I don't. What picture?
ILYA
Where you are stretching on the ice. Your back is like…
He curves his arm and hand up.
ILYA
Legs spread.
SHANE
That's a normal stretch! Literally everyone does it!
ILYA
But not like that.
SHANE
(blushing) What's the next question?
Cut to next clip.
SHANE
Shane Hollander… tattoos. I have a few different tattoos. This one's my favorite.
He points to a small rose on his forearm.
ILYA
It absolutely is not. That tattoo is for Rose Landry.
SHANE
I know. That's why it's my favorite.
ILYA
Show them the one on your finger.
Shane rolls his eyes and points to a small letter 'I' tattooed on the inside of his ringer finger. It sits right above his wedding ring.
ILYA
And who is that one for?
SHANE
Me. That's why it's the letter 'I.'
Ilya shoves Shane so hard he falls to the ground. His yell as he falls quickly turns into loud laughter.
Cut to next clip.
SHANE
Shane Hollander… CCM photoshoot.
ILYA
Hey, I was in that photoshoot, too!
SHANE
But they didn't ask about you, did they? We did another endorsement ad shoot with CCM a few months ago. You should go look at it.
ILYA
I look very sexy in it.
Shane shrugs, but his smile makes it obvious that he definitely agrees.
Cut to next clip.
ILYA
Ilya Rozanov… hair routine. Yes, they want to know how I am so sexy. It's a secret.
SHANE
He literally posted a hair care routine on his Instagram last year.
ILYA
No I didn't.
Cut to next clip.
ILYA
What does Ilya Rozanov's… tattoo say.
He lifts pant leg to show a tattoo in Russian on his ankle.
ILYA
Ah, it says Ты справишься, маленький жучок. You can do it, little bug. It's from a Russian children's book from my childhood.
SHANE
Very sweet.
ILYA
Yes.
SHANE
Now show them your wolf tattoo.
ILYA
Shut the [BLEEP] up, Hollander.
Cut to next clip.
ILYA
How is… Ilya Rozanov so sexy.
SHANE
That is not what it says!
Ilya tosses the question board behind him and shrugs, hands out.
ILYA
I don't know what to tell you. I am just naturally sexy. Maybe she's born with it.
SHANE
Maybe she's a self-absorbed liar.
ILYA
Ah, ah, ah. Self-aware liar.
SHANE
So you admit that you're a liar.
ILYA
A sexy liar.
Cut to next clip.
ILYA
That was everything! No more boards.
SHANE
You can tell my agent she owes me for this.
ILYA
Ah, but you had such a good time! You got to talk about Anya. You got to talk about best friend Jackie Pike.
SHANE
Hayden Pike.
Ilya turns away from him and back to the camera.
ILYA
Bye! Go Centaurs!
Comments
rachelj6596
You know, I think I finally understand them
howlsmovingpuck
chirping is the way to a healthy marriage
mossforu
Okay. Ilya's "wolf" tattoo is totally his loon tattoo right? That was the joke there?
darkskies
Oh absolutely
icey_rey
have y'all ever heard that thing before? sounds like a fucking wolf
inmyheels
@icey_rey found the non-canadian
mickrussell3493
Why are they married if they fight and argue this much?
_ripsMo
Welcome to hockey
lizaminellilies
"When will Scott Hunter retire. That man is one hundred thousand years old. Too old to still be playing hockey." READDDD
Sarahhhwash
I need to know what they were texting about before the shoot
letty24
@Sarahhhwash Probably Roz giving Hunter directions to the retirement home
givemeflowers
Rose Landry???? Why does this hockey player have a tattoo for Rose Landry?? That's crazy if he was serious
.haaasyyyy.
They dated for a couple of months YEARS ago. From what we've seen, they've been close friends ever since
givemeflowers
@.haaasyyyy. OH LMAOOO. I watched this because it popped up on my home page. Looks like I need to get into hockey now
majestysnowbird
okay but the way they love competing against each other so much is genuinely so sweet to watch. they were made for each other. i know they got a lot of flack when they came out, esp with the whole rivalry thing. but look at them. no wonder they ended up together.