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Jake heads back to his family’s marui, tail downturned and exhaustion wearing down on his features. He, with the help of Neytiri and Spider, has just returned from captivity in the Sky People settlement. Upon their return, they were all met with Tonowari, Ronal, and the other Metkayina clan members to discuss what had happened, but Neytiri led Spider back first to tend to his wounds, leaving Jake to explain the situation.
Now that he’s done, though, he’s beyond fatigued. His shoulders ache from holding them in place for too long, and his legs are sore from all the running, something, ironically, he would have loved to feel in his previous life. Stress bites at him for tomorrow, but he brushes it away in favor of appreciating the beauty of tonight.
When he enters the marui, Neytiri and his children are fast asleep, but one small figure sits still, awake in the darkness. Spider is silent, looking out onto the water. The serenity of the situation causes Jake to hesitate and consider silently slipping off to bed, but he knows he needs to talk to Spider once more after what happened.
Jake comes and sits right beside him. Neither of them talks, minding their own business, until Jake finally brings up the courage to begin what he knows will be a difficult conversation.
He sighs and starts, “How are you feeling, Spider?”
Spider shrugs. “Okay, I guess.”
“You’re not hurt?”
Spider shakes his head.
Tension eases from Jake’s body. Good. That’s one less worry. He hadn’t even checked up on Spider the entire way home, and it has been eating away at him the entire time he has been back. Feeling a little better, Jake tries to pat Spider on the back reassuringly, but just as the tips of Jake’s fingers brush the small hairs on Spider’s back, he flinches, hard, and curls away from Jake, eyes wide and distrusting.
Suddenly, Jake sees a child, a child folded up to make himself smaller, a child that put his trust in Jake and got betrayed, a child that was hurt over and over.
Spider is scared of him. Of him.
Jake winces, guilt rushing in.
How could he?!
He had almost killed Spider, someone he raised like a son. Spider is his son, no matter their biological differences. Jake had been too much of a skxawng to realize that, and he had nearly lost another son. To think Quaritch could have taken Spider away from him.
Spider had helped him escape from Bridgehead, and this is how he repaid him? By putting a knife to his throat. What a lousy homecoming gift. He was already messing things up with Lo’ak, and now this? What made it worse is that Spider wholeheartedly forgave him. He understood why Jake had to do it.
This fact gnaws at Jake from the inside, twisting and curling in his gut.
The truth is, he didn’t have to do it. The fact that Jake even considered it shows how terrible of a father he is. He was thinking of the worst-case scenario—is always thinking of the worst-case scenario. With Lo’ak. With Kiri. With Tuk. He looks into their eyes, and he is greeted by dead bodies.
The one time he hadn’t been paying attention, he lost a son.
Neteyam.
The one who was there to pick up all of their messes, keeping the peace and mentoring the others. The responsible one, taking the blame for everyone’s mistakes.
Oh how he misses him already.
Neteyam’s death feels painfully familiar, like an insult to Jake’s being, reminding him of the past, when he had been horrifyingly crippled and alone. He thought he had cast away all his feelings from Earth, but everything brings him back. Back to the dying place called Earth and back to Tommy. Tommy, his beloved brother, so full of life and hope—the brightest, kindest soul, infinitely times better than those other RDA bastards. He had sacrificed everything, all to fix Jake’s stupid legs.
Tommy had been murdered while Jake had been making a fool of himself in a bar, and all Jake thinks about is how he couldn’t save him—how he couldn’t save Neteyam.
And now he nearly killed another son.
The scene is still vivid, replaying in his mind over and over. The feeling of the knife handle in his fingers as he pressed it against Spider’s neck. The warm sunlight filtering in through the trees. Spider’s haunted eyes, despite Jake imploring him not to look at him (Jake knew his conviction would waver if he looked Spider in the eye). His begging to be spared, voice wavering and trying to mask his trembling.
I will be a good boy.
Yes, you are a good boy.
Do you still love me?
With all my heart.
Spider looked at him like that, yet in that moment, he still trusted in him. Spider’s genuine belief that he was a good man killed him.
Jake wasn’t. He really wasn’t.
Spider was so damn innocent Jake nearly cried. Seeing him now is like seeing a baby lamb after its mother had just been slaughtered. He’s wounded, and small, and will probably never look at Jake the same way.
Instead, Spider’s dumb face brushes it off, and he smiles softly at Jake.
“Dad—I—uh. You surprised me.”
Jake can tell that Spider is lying. He wants to cry. Spider is calling him “Dad” too instead of “Mr. Sully”. It would be heartwarming if Jake didn’t feel so bad. How could Spider ever forgive him? He would never even forgive himself. He can see that Spider still has some hesitancy, but he smiles through it painfully, opening up to Jake.
Why???
Some days, not often, but some days, Jake just wants to rid himself from this world. He wishes he was still wheelchair-bound, despite it making up the worst moments of his life—before he met the RDA, Neytiri, the Omatikaya—so he could disappear without anyone caring or knowing. At least, then, he could die alone and pitiful. No one could convince him he was of any worth once they saw his useless legs, and there would be no one to stop him.
Neytiri, his children, they would be much better off without him ruining all they have got—because everywhere Jake goes just brings destruction. He is no Toruk Makto. He tried once, but it got Hometree destroyed. If he tries again…
“Dad?” Spider asks worriedly.
Spider must have realized Jake’s silence has a deeper meaning.
Jake’s gaze wanders across Spider’s face, his pale skin shining in the remaining light, a stark contrast to Jake’s own blue skin. Spider no longer looks scared, and concern ebbs at his face. Jake doesn't deserve his concern. All Jake sees is the cruel twisted knife he held, pinned to Spider’s skinny human neck. He was millimeters away from doing the deed and—
“No,” Jake blurts out.
“What?” Spider asks, confused.
Jake brings his hand back into his chest, as far away from Spider as he can. He shies away, looking down, shoulders caving in. “I’m sorry.”
Spider leans in closer to Jake. There’s a furrow in his brow. Jake wonders if he’s angry with him.
“I am so sorry, Spider. I’ve been a crappy dad, and you deserve to hate me.” Jake looks up at Spider but doesn't meet his gaze. His tail shifts on the floor silently. “Please hate me.”
The words creep out softly, no louder than a whisper. They are unintentional but hold the weight of a stone dropped into a pond, sinking down to the bottom. By the time Jake comes to his senses to close his mouth, it is too late.
Spider looks crestfallen. He is shaking his head with what Jake thinks is pity, and his mouth opens and closes as if he doesn’t know what to say. Then, his jaw stiffens. “Shut up,” he murmurs.
Jake looks up bewildered. It’s true, isn't it? Spider has no reason not to hate Jake. If the roles were reversed, Jake thinks he would have stayed with Quaritch, someone who actually protected him.
“I won’t lie,” Spider starts, clenching his fists. “It hurt, Dad.”
Jake knows this. Of course, he knows this. He hurts everyone.
“But…” Spider pitches forward, grabbing hold of Jake by the shoulders. “You’re Toruk Makto. You’re a great warrior. And if there’s anyone I’d trust to make the right decision, it’s you.”
Jake starts shaking his head, but Spider carries on.
“Do you want to know why I look up to you?”
Jake doesn’t respond.
Spider continues. “It’s not because you’re the strongest, or the smartest, or the bravest.” He’s making sure Jake is looking at him fully. Spider’s eyes exude certainty, born from all of his experiences up to now. “It’s because you’re willing to do whatever it takes to protect your family.”
Jake blinks hard.
“You try so hard to protect everyone else, not just us, but the clan as well.” Spider gets up from his seated position, and he pulls Jake along with him by the hand. “Sometimes I think our family forgets your efforts. You just want us to live.” He stops for a moment and looks at Jake warmly. “We probably give you and Mom so much stress.”
Spider lets go of Jake’s hands.
“I see you.” Spider gestures with his hand. “And I don’t blame you for protecting your family.”
This feels wrong, because Jake hadn’t protected his family—not all of it. He had single-mindedly tried to protect his biological children while ignoring perhaps the one who understood him the most.
“You are my family,” Jake finally speaks, and Spider grins up at him.
“Well, then, I need you, Dad,” Spider tells him sheepishly.
Jake doesn’t fully understand why Spider can look at him so joyfully now, not really, but maybe he can learn to release the guilt he wears on his body, something he has borne his whole life, and appreciate the family he has now. Neytiri, Lo’ak, Spider, Kiri, Tuk, and the Metkayina, the Omatikaya, and everyone else. They are all with him now, even Neteyam and Tommy, and he better do his best to protect them.
Without thinking, Jake’s body is upon Spider’s, and they embrace, Jake’s firm hands pushing along Spider’s back. Spider almost chokes, as he is squeezed so hard, face smashing into Jake’s chest. Eventually, Jake lets up and allows Spider to rest his head on his chest. They both breathe heavily, father and son, caressing each other until they can no longer. Spider sighs, content with the way the night has gone, on the verge of dozing off.
“You’re really okay with what I did?” Jake asks him finally.
“Yeah,” Spider says sleepily, not listening to Jake at all. Jake chuckles and watches as Polyphemus shines brightly behind them, and Jake remembers just how grateful he is to be on this moon far away from Earth, with a loving family and a new home.
As Spider nods off to sleep, Jake picks him up onto his back and carries him to his hammock. Just as Jake is about to put Spider to rest, brushing his hair away from his face, he makes a noise that sounds almost like a whine. Jake looks down at him and sees Spider with his eyes shut, subtly smiling and showing his affection to Jake
“Do you still love me?” Spider playfully asks.
Jake smiles tenderly.
“With all my heart…”