Work Text:
kels @ottowowww:
battle for 30th place in the league happening tonight 🔥🔥🔥
MONTREAL
3-4-1
OTTAWA
0-7-2
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grace @ilyasbeauty:
I literally hate that Ilya is on ottawa now. it just makes no sense to me? there’s so many other and better teams he could have chosen instead.
→ patty @admiralscotty:
im pretty sure it’s because ilya rozanov is banging the canadian guy for a canadian citizenship
→→ grace @ilyasbeauty:
acting like scott hunter isnt banging the smoothie guy for smoothies 😂
→→→ Mel @MelNewYork:
Kip is a nearby bar favorite! He comes in every day and always gives the bartenders tips!
→→→→ grace @ilyasbeauty:
and what’s this have to do with geriatric scott hunter
→→→→→ Mel @MelNewYork:
Shows he has good morals!
→→→→→→ grace @ilyasbeauty:
are we going to ignore that the police found cannibal remains in kip grady’s house back in 2013
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june @12x32love:
OTTOAWA IS LOOKING TO GET THEIR FIRST WIN TONIGHT!! ITS NOVEMBER AND THEY HAVENT WON A FUCKING GAMEEE!!!
→ jade @jade2343:
you could at least spell ottawa correctly?
→→ june @12x32love:
No. I have no respect for them
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kade @ottawaborn4life:
makes me sad that ilya still hasnt experienced the fun traditions of winning in ottawa 🙁
→ elise @elsiewrites
oh, they have win traditions over there? what are they??
→→ kade @ottawaborn4life
holding a giant stick to the wall and seeing how many spiders crawl out of it 😀
→→→ elise @elsiewrites
okay someone get ilya out of this place NOWWWWW 😭
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MLH UPDATES @MLHOFFICIALUPDATES:
PUCK DROP at 7:09pm!
MONTREAL vs OTTAWA
→ MLH WIN PERCENTAGES @MLHSTATS
MONTREAL WIN LIKELIHOOD - 96.6%
OTTAWA WIN LIKELIHOOD - 3.4%
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Kelsey @admirals12:
Another scoreless minute passed by. How has the Shane vs Ilya matchup turned into this weeks toilet bowl?
→ seline @selinesbrade:
give it more than a damn minute kelsey
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hunter @vibeyscott
shane and ilya’s first time versing since The Incident and they both look like they’ve never been on the ice before.
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ilya’s bae @814live
this game is already a mess… well.. i hope ilya is getting paid well at least
→ farabee @joelsbaby
idk if he is
→→ ilya’s bae @814live
huh??
→→→ farabee @joelsbaby
yeah… look at this
Interviewer - Randy: Hello Ilya! Thanks for joining us today.
Ilya Rozanov: Yes
Interviewer - Randy: How’s Ottawa treating you?
Ilya Rozanov: They tried to pay me in doubloons
Interviewer - Randy: Oh?
→→→→ ilya’s bae @814live
WHAT?
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hailey @shanesmylife:
omg jj try not to draw a penalty challenge
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ale @oliviasvers
I’m 24 and SCARED of the ottawa power play
→ Kate @KateMontreal
Sometimes I look at Rozanov and I just can’t tell if he has a foot fetish or not.
→→ ale @oliviasvers
yeah this just isn’t a normal thought
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kite @skylarsqueen
ALRIGHT $40 TO WHOEVER TAKES OUT PIKES KNEES TONIGHT
→ Kevin @DadOfTwoLove
Wanting to take out a fourth liner is like taking $3 from a millionaire. There’s just no fucking point it won’t do anything
→→ kite @skylarsqueen
oh not cause i’m afraid he’ll score. i just don’t like him.
→→→ Kevin @DadOfTwoLove
Alright carry on then!
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FILMUPDATES @updatesfilms:
Ilya Rozanov has been cast as ‘Nicolas Cage’ in the upcoming ‘Dead by Daylight’ film produced by Blumhouse.
→ kait @trialrun
cut it out with the shitposts this is serious business.
→→ kait @trialrun
okay but this is hilarious ill admit
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MLH UPDATES @MLHOFFICIALUPDATES:
MONTREAL GOAL BY SHANE HOLLANDER
SCORE 1-0
15:34 into the first
→ MLH WIN PERCENTAGES @MLHSTATS
MONTREAL WIN LIKELIHOOD - 97.8%
OTTAWA WIN LIKELIHOOD - 2.2%
→ jade @jade2343:
LETS GO!!!!
→ unua @mon_treal_:
i knew he had it in him somewhere
→ D1 HATER @IHATEVERYONE
Hollander trying to join the celebration circle:
→→ kailer @kailersbell
HES THE ONE WHO SCORED THE FUCKING GOAL?? Y'all are haters.
→→→ D1 HATER @IHATEVERYONE
You read my name and thought I was going to be anything but a hater?
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Terrel @ThatHockeyGuy
Ilyas playoff wishes done and dusted .2 seconds into the game. Okay!
→ yasmine @hockeyas:
bro predicted it:
Interviewer - Randy: Do you wish Ottawa would make the playoffs this year?
Ilya Rozanov: Yes
Interviewer - Randy: Do you have any faith in the team?
Ilya Rozanov: Those are two separate things
→→ metros defender @hockeyismyeverything
well hes not going to win with that attitude…
→→→ yasmine @hockeyas:
hes not going to win either way so he might as well have attitude
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Kyle @KyleWright12
Hayden Pike is coming up on 19 games without a single point! How does he do it!
→ Raegan @Rageeeen:
Pike has been invisible for his entire career. No idea why he even gets so much attention.
→→ holland love @hayollander
he’s banging hollander thats why
→→→ Kyle @KyleWright12
Is this true?
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Grant @GrantSmith54:
Why are Ilya and Shane sucking and fucking on the ice instead of playing any actual hockey
→ uranus @upurbutt12
they looked at each other ONCE
→→ Grant @GrantSmith54:
One too many
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Chris @DopeChris8:
We got Scott Hunter at home
Scott Hunter at home: Hayden Pike
→ hayd ♥️@pikesgirlie
this isnt even an fair comparison. pike is FAR more young and beautiful.
→→ Chris @DopeChris8:
By what standards? Pike is father to a small village.
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MLH UPDATES @MLHOFFICIALUPDATES:
MONTREAL GOAL BY PEETA MELLARK
SCORE 2-0
12:42 into the second
→ MLH WIN PERCENTAGES @MLHSTATS
MONTREAL WIN LIKELIHOOD - 99%
OTTAWA WIN LIKELIHOOD - 1%
→ cole @coletreal
HUH?
→ Helen @HelenLoved
I’ve never heard of this man in my life.
→ eve @katnissverdeen:
PEETA IS ON THE FUCKING ICE????
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susanna @annashane:
so is everyone just gonna ignore the twink for the hunger games randomly scoring for montreal or
→ eve @katnissverdeen:
i dont think anyone is ignoring it… i think we’re in shock
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topher @chrisbaeo:
shane and ilya on the face off again. i’m purchasing a cuck chair for drapeau as we speak.
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Susan @SusanTridge:
32 years later and the hollander vs ilya faceoff hits just the same as it did on day 1… so proud.
→ yolo @hereforvibes:
wtf are you counting in dog years ??
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Braden @Bradycha:
Ilya Rozanov once hid under a bridge and made me solve a riddle before I could pass
→ bree @breesbarn:
@OTTAWACENTAURS fact check??
→→ Ottawa Centaurs @OTTAWACENTARUS
Sources will look into this.
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kait @trialrun
yall think hayden is calculating the speed Ilyas moving to determine where the bird poop will hit him?
→ susanna @annashane:
okay literally what is this in reference to??
→→ kait @trialrun
this
“He’s the type of guy to get pooped on by a bird while on a rollercoaster. I don’t know, there’s just some energy there.”
- Hayden Pike on Ilya Rozanov
and this
“Yeah, I’m going to take him to Universal Studios and test that theory.”
- Hayden Pike on thinking Ilya Rozanov will be pooped on by a bird while on a roller coaster.
→→→ susanna @annashane:
this is so fucking funny LMAO what did ilya say IN RESPONSE??
→→→→ kait @trialrun
THIS
“That is fucking not happening.”
- Ilya Rozanov on Hayden Pike taking him to Universal Studios to test his theory that Rozanov would be pooped on by a bird while on a roller coaster.
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unua @mon_treal_:
ilyas playing like he’s afraid hollander will catch on fire if he touches him 🙄 where is the FIRE where is the RAGE?? i’m seeing NOTHING
→ trent @shanelovers:
tbh i think seeing shane down in the playoffs shook him up :( like they’re friends, they’ve been rivals their whole life, it’s going to have some affect on him!!
→→ George @GeorgeKnowsPuck:
Ilya doesn’t care about shit like that
→→→ trent @shanelovers:
and what do you know????? you’ve spoken to him personally about this? fuck off.
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MLH UPDATES @MLHOFFICIALUPDATES:
MONTREAL GOAL BY JJ BOIZIAU
SCORE 3-0
16:23 into the second
→ MLH WIN PERCENTAGES @MLHSTATS
MONTREAL WIN LIKELIHOOD - 99.6%
OTTAWA WIN LIKELIHOOD - 0.4%
→ jj forever @montrealjj:
WOW HE DID SOMETHING!!
→→ HOLLANOV IS REAL @HOLLANOV4EVER:
jj scores and the camera pans to ilya staring at hollander. MLH is in on the hollanov agenda.
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MLH UPDATES @MLHOFFICIALUPDATES:
MONTREAL GOAL BY SHANE HOLLANDER
SCORE 4-0
19:53 into the second
→ MLH WIN PERCENTAGES @MLHSTATS
MONTREAL WIN LIKELIHOOD - 99.9%
OTTAWA WIN LIKELIHOOD - 0.1%
→ sue @suedmeout:
HOLY WHAT A BEAUTY
→ greg @gregheffley:
someone tell rozanov that you're not supposed to look this elated when down 4-0.
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TROLLNATION @TROLLNATIONOFFICIAL:
Experts say that Ilay Rozanov has been operating under the impression that you’re supposed to dodge the puck. “He’s easily the best at the craft.”
→ kara @karailya:
OH COME ON ilya has one scoreless game and yall got pitchforks up 🙄🙄🙄
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Jack @JackOttawa:
Hayden Pike more like Hayden Pfart from an asshole
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sue @suedmeout:
honestly i think ilya is confused cause hes so used to the rest of his team not being absolutely fucking ass ball sack at this game. he suddenly has to score EVERYTHING. which just makes me wonder why hes on this team in the first place.
→ patty @admiralscotty:
i told you. banging the canadian citizenship guy
→→ sue @suedmeout:
patty really not the time.
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MLH UPDATES @MLHOFFICIALUPDATES:
OTTAWA GOAL BY ILYA ROZANOV
SCORE 4-1
7:23 into the third
→ MLH WIN PERCENTAGES @MLHSTATS
MONTREAL WIN LIKELIHOOD - 99.9%
OTTAWA WIN LIKELIHOOD - 0.1%
→ sage @ilyasbro:
OMGGGG NVM WE’RE SO BACK ITS SO GOATED
→ daisy @grittyonthem:
THE PARADE IS ON
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Paul @NotRuPaul
Ilya scoring in the third:
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elise @elsiewrites
hollander not on the bench? where’d he go??
→ omega @omegashaneomega:
he needs to take his heat suppressants. give him a moment.
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jeep @ottawarental:
hollander leaving the game with a head injury
→ Trent @TrentHockey_01:
Is Shane really concussed again??? Bro just fell pretty bad
→→ Kane @Kaneslater:
Nah he just does that sometimes
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FAKE MLH NEWS @FMLHNews:
[UPDATE] on Shane Hollander
→ kadie @shaneshollve:
his ass did NOT SAY THAT 😭😭😭
→ icy baby @iceiceonthefloor:
alright someone needs to check on him pls
→ HockeyGuy @HockeyGuy12:
He’s fine. Right where he wants to be ❤️
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MLH UPDATES @MLHOFFICIALUPDATES:
MONTREAL WIN!
SCORE 4-1
TOP THREE STARS
⭐ Shane Hollander
⭐ ⭐ Peeta Mellark
⭐ ⭐ ⭐ JJ Boiziau
→ eve @katnissverdeen:
peeta getting a fucking star. what the hell sure.
→ Gavin @GavinPeele:
I knew it. I knew they had it in them. They beat the odds.
→→ Patty @PattyHockeylover:
The odds were 96% in their favor, literally what odds did they beat??
→ Gerry @ThatMontrealGuy:
Shane Holladner and co. I didn’ doubt you for even a second
→→ shayna @shanesshayna:
could u at least spell his name right.
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Ottawa Centaurs @OTTAWACENTARUS
POST GAME INTERVIEW - Ilya Rozanov
Interviewer - Cameron: What a game, Ilya!
Ilya Rozanov: Was it really?
Interviewer - Cameron: Yes. Now, I just want to see how you’re adjusting to Ottawa. You get a lot of talk about how the crowd in Ottawa isn’t that big compared to Boston. What are your thoughts on that?
Ilya Rozanov: Is nice. Quiet. I can do things in middle of the night and nobody sees
Interviewer - Cameron: Better question, what are you doing in the middle of the night?
Ilya Rozanov: Nobody business.
Ilya Rozanov: Interview over.
Interviewer - Cameron: Oh! Now hang on, Ilya, we’ve got a few more--
Interviewer - Cameron: Alright. He’s gone.
→ Kelly @KellyHobbes:
LMAO ilya said wrap this shit up!!
→→ Mary @MaryMargaret:
Totally a guy that cares about his team… im tired of him already.
→→→ Hollanov Defender @HOLLANOVDICKS:
Leave him alone. He has Hollanders dick to suck.
→→→→ Mary @MaryMargaret:
For the last fucking time HOLLANDER AND ROZANOV ARE NOT A THING!
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FAKE MLH NEWS @FMLHNews:
[UPDATE] on ILYA ROZANOV
→ caden @intertwinewithme:
WTF HE DID NOT SAY THATTT
→→ Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanovOFFICIAL
He did.
→→→ caden @intertwinewithme:
oh??