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Nights were always the hardest. Tyler stared at the ceiling as he laid in bed, his heart thumping as his mind raced. At the end of the day, what was his purpose? There was no reason for him to be alive, to wake up and keep going every day. His eyes wandered around the dark room, tempted to get up but his body feeling too heavy to move.
He heard his phone ding beside him, picking it up as he shifted to lay on his side. It was from Josh, he'd be getting off of work soon. Tyler remembered him complaining about being scheduled for the night shift tonight. His mind wandered slightly, thinking about Josh's voice, the warm undertone beneath each word even when complaining, the sighs punctuating every sentence. He only snapped back to focus when Josh sent another message, noticing Tyler leaving him on seen.
'Getting off work soon'
'Mind wandering?'
'No, sorry' he responded, staring at the screen that illuminated his face. 'Busy?' he sent, waiting impatiently for a response, biting his bottom lip.
'Always have time for you'
'Be there after my shift'
'Ok' Tyler messaged back, slightly relieved. 'How long?'
'Maybe 40 mins'
Tyler glanced at the time, 11:30pm. He sent another 'Ok' before setting his phone down, picking at his cuticles briefly, already feeling restless. He decided to sit up against his headboard, staring at the room around him. Josh would be here soon, he'd be fine. 11:32pm. He felt like these 40 minutes would be the longest he'd ever experience.
He tried not to spiral while waiting, but his mind got the best of him. He got up at some point, his mind not really registering it. Nothing he did at this point felt like a conscious decision as he walked to the bathroom. He glanced around as he flicked on the light, staring at the closed medicine cabinet for far too long, and closed the door behind him before watching his reflection in its mirror. "Shit," he whispered under his breath, letting his body slide down against the door.
He snapped the rubber band on his wrist gently at first, each snap progressively getting harder, eventually making him wince after each one. He cursed under his breath quietly. "It's fine," he mumbled to himself repeatedly, thinking if he kept saying it maybe it'd be true.
He'd lost track of time at this point, his sore wrist being his only thought. His body trembled slightly, the skin on his wrist red and raised, aching more with each occasional snap. He'd forgotten everything around him as he stared and snapped, his breath shaky and his mind blank—not thinking about the way his eyes were glossing over, or how soon Josh would be here, or how he somehow got to the bathroom, sitting on the floor instead of staying in bed.
His voice ached as he occasionally cursed, eventually stopping to stare up at the medicine cabinet again, the knowledge of the pristine metal sitting in its package just behind the mirror. The image was impossible to ignore, the thought of how it'd feel was agonizing. He cursed again, cut off by a loud knock downstairs. "Shit, fuck," he stuttered as he abruptly stood up off of the floor, opening the bathroom door and stumbling into his room.
He threw on a jacket and headed downstairs, wiping his watery eyes before opening the door. "Hey," he said with the best attempt of sounding collected.
"Hey," Josh responded, searching the boy's face gently. "You okay?" He asked as he stepped into the house, closing the door behind him.
"Yeah, fine," Tyler said, a sad attempt at a smile appearing on his face, trying to convince Josh the words that left his mouth were true.
Josh's eyes wandered over Tyler silently before speaking again, "You sure?" He asked quietly. "Why'd you want me to come over?" His words were soft, his head tilted slightly as he watched the boy, waiting for a response that never came as Tyler stared at the ground beneath them.
"Ty?" Josh asked again, the silence only causing his concern to grow. He stepped closer, his hand reaching to hold Tyler's jaw, tilting it up at him as his thumb softly rubbed against his cheek. "Ty, what's wrong?"
Tyler shook his head silently before stepping forward, causing Josh's hand to fall as Tyler buried his face into Josh's neck, a shaky breath escaping his lips.
Josh's arms quickly wrapped around Tyler, one around his waist and the other gently in his hair. "You're okay Ty... it's ok," he murmured gently to the boy, kissing the top of his head gently. "Let's sit, yeah? C'mon Ty," he said quietly, their bodies never separating as Josh led Tyler upstairs and back to his bed, the two of them lying down slowly, Tyler laying halfway on top of Josh as their bodies tangled.
"Ty what's wrong?" Josh asked again gently, trying not to pry but aching to know what was hurting Tyler this way. "You didn't do something to yourself, did you?" He asked hesitantly, each word laced with concern and the partial fear that he might be right.
Tyler responded with a shake of his head, reassuring Josh slightly, but concern still flooding him. "Just... wanted to," Tyler whispered out against Josh's neck with an unsteady breath.
Josh wrapped his hand in Tyler's hair, stroking it gently. "Overthinking again?" He asked, met with a nod against his neck. Tyler shifted closer to him, the rise and fall of Josh's chest soothing him. "What about?" Josh asked gently.
He hesitated slightly. "I just- it feels like I'm drowning. Why am I here? There's no- there's no reason. I don't have like... a purpose or a reason to be alive. I don't know why I still get up every day why- why I don't just give up. It'd- it'd be so easy. To just..." his rambling came to an abrupt stop as he cut off his own sentence, scared to finish the rest.
Josh's arm tightened slightly around Tyler, holding him closer. "Ty..." he whispered gently, laying his head on Tyler's, saddened by the words that poured out of his mouth.
"You're so lovely, you know that?" Josh said quietly. "Nobody could ever replace you... Nobody has a mind quite like you. And you have such an impact on everyone you meet. You have... a way with words." He spoke as he ran his fingers through Tyler's hair. "You prove to yourself every day that you can keep going, every time you think you can't you do it, you do... why stop now?"
Tyler responded by pressing his face closer to Josh, placing a gentle kiss there as Josh held him in a soft embrace by his side. "I love you," he whispered, unable to articulate just how much he felt for Josh.
"I love you too," Josh spoke gently into Tyler's hair, planting a kiss where his lips rested. "You'll always have me, you know that, yeah? No matter what, no matter how hard things get," Josh reassures him, his voice comforting as he pulls back slightly to get a look at Tyler's face, his eyes glossed over and slightly red.
Tyler moved up slightly, kissing Josh gently, their foreheads resting against eachother. His soft hand continuing to run through Tyler's hair as they looked at eachother intently. Their tired bodies lay against the other's comfortingly, each of them calmed by the presence of the other. A feeling neither could ever feel from another.
"I'm always gonna be here Ty," Josh said as he looked into his eyes. "The sun rises every day and you will rise with it. With me," he continued, his voice soft like silk as he stared at the boy infront of him. "And one day you'll look back on these days, these nights we spend together, and you'll be so glad you stayed another day."
Tyler stared at Josh, teary-eyed as he listened to his gentle voice. His hands molded to Josh's face carefully, as if checking that he was real. "One day," he repeated back quietly, reassuring himself that the words Josh spoke might be true.
Josh nodded caringly, his body easing at the touch of Tyler. He leaned in to kiss Tyler, their lips gentle and soft as they intertwined with one another. A feeling of relief that comforted them both, the presence of eachother. The knowledge they were both there, alive, and not going anywhere.