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Chapter 1: Waffles.
Dagoth-ur burst into Nerevar's room. Nerevar looked up from his computer with eyes that sagged from many sleepless nights, despite being argonian. I mean, how do scales even sag? Doesn't matter.
"Nerevar! We have an emergency! Look at this, Nerevar! Look! Almalexa gave the Sixth House Ash-yam-Waffle house 1 star on Yelp! One! She said they’re 'dusty.' It’s an ASH-YAM! They're supposed to be that way. She wouldn't know flavour if I shoved it down her throat. This. MEANS. WAR!
Come, come friend or critique come. Come and eat my waffles. They're 80% off. And what kind of name is 'Almalexa' anyway? For being the only female on the tribunal it's sure ironic 'Al-male-(xia)' was she trying to be ironic? I wouldn't put it past her. She's so smug."
Nerevar looked at Dagoth, taking off his glasses "Maybe 80% off is too much? I mean... The business is already bleeding money. Our net revenue is already down 25% and-"
"It’s not about the money, Nerevar! it’s about the message! And look at this!" He shoved his phone in Nerevar's face "She rated imperial waffles 5 stars on Yelp! Seriously??! So she prefers the waffles of those mongrel dogs of the empire over morrowind made classic ash waffles! She's a traitor to her own kind!"
"Come Nerevar! Let us give her a piece of our mind!" Before nerevar could refuse, he was already being telekinetically dragged behind Dagoth-Ur and put into the Silt Strider. "look at this Nerevar! She's gotten a new Tesla. What, is a good old silt strider not good enough for her? Oh, do you know what a 'car' is Nerevar? They're like horseless carriages. Guess they got sick of cleaning horse shit off their streets." .
"I know what a car is, Voryn. I've been to Cyrodiil. They're not as bad as you're making them out to be."
Dagoth gasps "MONGREL DOG PROPAGANDA! Those are just shitty metal boxes with wheels. No soul. No personality. No exoskeleton. Just sad." Dagoth said before going back to stalking Almalexias Instagram.
"Isn't it kind of dangerous to drive whilst on your phone?" Nerevar asked, exhausted.
Dagoth just looked at him like he said the most stupid thing. "What a foolish thing to say Nerevar! This is a SILT STRIDER, Nerevar. Not one of those flimsy imperial metal boxes. I'm sure Lacy can manage (Lacy is the silt strider)."
***Later***
"ALMALEXIA!!!" Dagoth bellowed as he arrived at her house.
She answered the door. "What is it now Dagoth?" She asked flippantly, clearly annoyed.
"Come Almalexia, friend or hater, come. Come and look upon my waffle house, and bring your Dunmeri Samsung to leave a 5 star Yelp review (Not a mongrel dog iPhone), I have need of it.”
“I'm not changing my review.” Almalexia stated plainly. “I gave you one star because that's what I thought they deserved. They tasted dry and stale.”
Dagoth looked like he could burst through that mask when she said that. He finally responded “Is this how you honor the 6th House and the Tribe Unmourned? Come to me openly, and not by burner accounts. Dagoth Ur welcomes you Almalexa, my old frenemy... but to this Waffle House where destiny is made, why have you left a 1 star review?
What a fool you are, I'm a god! How can you give a god a 1 star Yelp review? What a grand and intoxicating innocence! There is no manager to speak to, no refund or intervention can work in this place! Come! Lay down your bad Yelp reviews! It is not too late for my mercy (and 80% off coupons)."
Almalexia sighed. “If I change it to 2 will you leave me alone?”
“Make it 3.”
“Fine.”
Chapter two: Peanut argonian khajiit maid femboy time.
***Shopping at ashmart.***
"Nerevar, what is your favourite brand of peanut butter? Personally I like good old argonian egg flavoured Telvanii peanut butter™. What about you Nerevar?"
You eat argonian eggs?! Y-you eat our young!??
"Of course I do! They're delicious. Oh come on Nerevar, don't be so dramatic. It's Locally Sourced. Very ethical. It's Telvanni brand. You're being low energy right now, Nerevar. Very negative vibes. I’m a god, how can you doubt a god’s snack preferences? What a grand and intoxicating innocence! Here, try some."
Voryn Unceremoniously produces a spoon and scoops the peanut butter. and proceeds to shove it in Nerevars mouth. Nerevar’s eyes widened as he gagged. He then collapsed onto the floor of the Ash-Mart aisle wheezing and writhing before suddenly stopping. And then fucking dies.
"Nerevar? Stop laying on the floor. It’s very embarrassing. It didn’t taste that bad, did it? Nerevar?" Dagoth poked the lizard with his toe. "Nerevar? You're dead! This... This is a ploy from the Thalmor to supplant me! A ploy I tell you! This is a total hit job. The Thalmor are rigging the grocery stores, I knew it!"
Suddenly, Nerevar’s body began to glow with a bright light that morphed his form. And one Sailor moon transformation sequence later, a Khajiit in a very short maid skirt with cat-ears and childbearing hips was sitting on the floor.
"This one is Nerevar," The cat-man said, looking at his paws in horror. "Wait... Where's my scales?! Why am I fluffy?
Why does this one suddenly feel compelled to speak in the third person. Nya?"
"Nerevar... you're a... Furry! You've gone full on Hircine. Look, I can forgive being an argonian, Nerevar, really I can. I'm rather quite inclusive and progressive. But a KHAJIIT femboy? There are just some exceptions that can’t be granted. This is a disaster for my brand! Is this how you honour the sixth house the tribe unmourned? Hold on a moment, I need to check the Elder Scrolls Wiki. Maybe they just dropped a prophecy update."
Whilst Dagoth is scrolling on his Dwemer phonetic harmonizing optimized nuclear electronic (D-PHONE) Nerevar suddenly feels a blush accruing behind his fur and he becames flustered and defensive.
"Y-you can't just ignore this one! B-baka!"
Voryn looks up from his Dwemer phonetic harmonizing optimized nuclear electronic (D-PHONE) with a look of pure disgust...
"Now you listen here you little hairy farm tool... I have had just about enough of your shenanigans. Come Nerevar, Argonian or Khajiit femboy, come. Come and look upon the argonian egg flavoured Telvanii peanut butter™ and bring more argonian egg flavoured Telvanii peanut butter™ I have need of it."
***Back at Dagoth-ur (The building in the volcano)***
"Look at this, Nerevar! Look! A hairball. All over my sacred chamber! Is this how you honor the Sixth House the tribe unmourned? This is completely unacceptable. My allergies are through the roof and I am getting sick of you scratching the furniture."
"This one is sorry, Voryn-sama! This one tried to use the lint roller, but it is very difficult with these paws! Nya~"
"Stop. Stop right there. The 'Nya' is getting out of hand. I can stomach it no longer. I’ve had enough of the fur. I've had enough of the 'Nya's'. I’ve had enough of your maid outfit and... oddly arousing feminine energy." Shakes head. "I’m going to my Connected optimized monitor ultra transitioner electric relay (computer) to search for solutions."
***In the heart chamber***
"Hmm let's see here..." He scrolls Nexus eyeing the screen on his Connected optimized monitor ultra transitioner electric relay (computer) carefully. And then... He see's it! A race menu mod! "Thank god (myself)!" He sighs in relief. He promptly downloads the mod via Vortex and leaves the haert chamber.
"Nerevar, stop licking your genitals. I have a solution to your... Our predicament."
Nerevar looks up from his grooming. "W-what? R-really? Nya~"
Yes. Let me see how this works... Hmm... Ah I see. You're going to have to active it since you're the player.
"B-baka! Why does this one have to do everything! Fine! But don't expect me to do this again!"
Nerevar activates the mod and cycles through the various races and finally selects Argonian.
"Whew. I'm glad that's over."
"Did you just say 'I'm glad that's over'? 'I'm'?Nerevar it worked! Mostly. You still seem to be a femboy in a maid outfit... But at least you won't be leaving hairballs everywhere now."