Work Text:
Rules My Husband Has For Me (SUPER TRUE) (NOT CLICKBAIT)
insert a lot of big numbers here for the views and likes
The video opens with Ilya Rozanov sitting criss-cross applesauce in front of a large bed, one of his knees resting on top of one of Shane Hollander’s legs. Speaking of Shane, he’s sitting behind Ilya, leaning back against the bed, with his legs straight out in front of him, looking a little bit confused.
“Hello everybody!” Ilya waves at the camera with a big smile on his face, “Today I am going to be telling you guys all about the rules that my husband has for me!”
“What?” Shane’s eyebrows furrow together and he looks over at Ilya, “Rules? What do you mean r-”
“So, first of all, I have to let his mother, the lovely Yuna Hollander, control my every movement. He has insisted that I-”
Shane interrupts him, grabbing his shoulder, “Ilya, she’s literally the best manager you could ask for, any hockey player would be lucky to have her- Hell, you asked her to start managing you, I-”
“Exactly,” Ilya nods, folding his hands together and putting them into his lap, “It is a fair rule.”
“It’s not a rule, I don’t have-”
“Anyway,” Ilya continues on, “the second rule is that we are only allowed to have one dog, I cannot get a second one. Poor, dear Anya must-”
Shane scoffs and shakes his head, “Oh my god, I never said no! I just said we should think about it before committing!”
Ilya looks at Shane for a brief moment to say, “Is same thing,” and then he looks back at the camera, “The third rule is that I am not allowed to eat breakfast because-”
“Ilya!” Shane shouts, his eyes wide and his mouth dropped open as he thinks about what to say, “I literally just said that you shouldn’t have such a sugary breakfast! Not that you aren't allowed! You tried to put the entire bottle of syrup on your waffles this morning.”
Ilya unfolds his hands and places one on Shane’s knee, tapping it twice, “You see, guys? He forces me to starve myself so that I look good for him always, he simply cannot bear-”
“Oh my god, Rozanov,” Shane buries his face in his hands and takes a deep breath.
Ilya continues on, “Next rule is that I cannot speak Russian at all around him. Not to him, not to other people, not at all.”
“What the fuck?” Shane pushes himself up, moving Ilya’s hand from his knee, so that he can kneel on the carpet and look at Ilya, “That’s quite literally the opposite of any ‘rule’ I have for you. You literally teach me Russian every single day, Ilya, I love hearing you speak your language, I-”
“I do not know what you are talking about,” Ilya brushes him off quickly so that he can look back into the camera, “I have not spoken Russian in very, very long because another rule is I am not typically allowed to leave his side.”
“Um, first of all, you’re the one who refuses to go anywhere if I’m not coming along and secondly, I’m 99.9% sure, you don’t want to leave my side. So if anything, that’s a rule you’ve given yourself!”
“This is just not true,” Ilya denies but there’s an obvious smirk on his face, one he gets rid of quickly, “Next rule is that I am not allowed to do any sponsorships. He says it is selling myself and he is the only one who should be allowed to see my body-”
“Oh my god!” Shane scoffs and raises his voice, “You were literally in a photoshoot yesterday, I was there!”
“He stalks me so that I am not without him-
“Ilya, you asked me to be there, I only agreed after you practically begged me.”
“-it is just like aforementioned-”
“How do you know that word?”
“-rule of me not being allowed to leave his side.”
Shane deflates and just stares at Ilya incredulously, as if he can’t even think of any other words to say.
“Along these same lines, Shane is the only one allowed in my phone. He does not let anybody else in my contacts. Because I am bisexual, you know, he considers me talking to anybody but him to be cheating-”
“-No I do not-”
“-So, I cannot have teammates or coach in there and definitely no friends. Even his parents are not allowed in there, he does all of our communicating through his own phone. Is a little inconvenient since Yuna manages my career but anything to make him happy, yes?”
“Ilya!” Shane shouts, seemingly offended, rightfully so, and there's shock all over his face, “that is not true! Give me your phone right now, I’ll show them that you have more numbers in there and-”
“It is recording,” Ilya points at the camera, causing Shane to look over and just sigh while Ilya continues on, “But you see, everybody, he even wants to check my phone every single day to make sure I am not breaking this rule, you just saw it there.”
“That’s not what I meant!”
“Sure, sure,” Ilya pats at Shane’s thigh before bringing his hand back to his own lap, “We are almost done now but there are just a couple more. One of them is that I cannot change in the locker room with the team during games-”
Shane gives the absolute biggest side eye to Ilya but this time he just laughs, even though he looks absolutely confused beyond belief, and maybe a little bit annoyed, “We change in the locker room with the team every single time. You don’t go anywhere else.”
“-He says there are too many men around and that he is the only man who should look at me.”
Shane just rolls his and rests his elbow on one of his knees, pressing his eyes against the thumb and pointer finger of his hand.
“The final rule is that I’m forced to let him win when we play hockey.”
Shane’s hand comes down faster than light as he glares daggers into Ilya, “We are on the same team. Me winning means you win, you should want that!”
“That is of course not what I meant,” Ilya responds to him directly before turning back to the camera, “He tells me that I always have to score less goals than him, have less assists, so that he can look better than me at the game, it is-”
“Okay, oh my god, this is outrageous, shut up,” Shane moves to be fully back behind Ilya, reaching over to the front of him so that he can press a hand against his mouth, “First of all, the last game we played, Ilya scored more goals than me. Secondly, none of these rules are true in the slightest. Ilya is a liar. Thirdly, I don’t need to force him to make less goals than me when I can just be better than him!”
Ilya spits into Shane’s hand, causing him to remove it from where it is pretty quickly. He wipes the spit away on the sleeve of Ilya’s shirt as Ilya says, “Well that is simply not true, you are not better than me at all. You said yourself, I did in fact score more goals during our last game.”
“You’re such an asshole! I assisted you in all of them!” Shane retorts, moving back to the spot he was in before, “Besides, I’ll get more goals than you next game, so-”
The video cuts out for a moment, cutting back to just Ilya sitting at a desk, clearly holding the camera he’s using, “Hello everybody! I was just editing this video - with the help of Centaur’s social media manager, of course, say hi Harris,” He pans the camera over to where Harris was apparently sitting just out of frame.
The guy waves and smiles, “Hi!”
Ilya brings the camera back to himself, “He taught me the word clickbait, by the way. I will probably use it in the title of this video, I think is good idea. Anyway,” He shakes his head and gets back on track, “I just wanted to clarify that all of the rules in this video were absolutely made up. Shane is absolute best husband I could ever ask for and I do not want anybody taking this video seriously. Is just a joke, a trend that I saw a video for online the other day and thought would be funny.”
He props the camera up somewhere in front of him, that way he has both of his hands now and he uses them to adjust his hair for a moment, “Anyway, that is all I wanted to say. Shane is absolutely a fiend for rules, of course, but he does not have any for me. Especially not ones as outrageous as this-” Ilya’s eyes widen, “By the way! Outrageous is a word I learned from Shane during this video. I had to look it up after. Good word.”
The sound of laughter is heard from off camera, it’s probably Harris.
“So, yes, that is all. Shane is very good man and does not make me starve or empty my phone or refuse to let me speak Russian or anything like that. We are still working on the second dog thing but I am sure I will get my way so no need to worry about that. Okay, bye now!”
He waves and then the video cuts to black.
”THE END,” pops up on the screen in big, bold, white letters.
Then one more thing pops up right after that, in smaller letters, ”Also, Shane is okay do not worry. I would not post this video if he was upset.”
*
Comments:
@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
I’m never recording a video with you ever again.Okay yes I will but only if you promise not to slander me again.
@alwaysstrugglingwithusernames
This was the funniest shit i've seen in a long time omg if you told me 5 years ago that i’d be watching rozanov and hollander as a married couple doing a “rules my SO has for me” trend i would laugh in your face and tell you to go check yourself into a hospital probably@BillyBilly737373746
LMAOOO shane’s face just completely mortified throughout this entire video was PRICELESS@HaydenPikeOfficial
I *know* Shane would never have any of these rules smh@whatchadoin22
yes absolutely this is excellent, peak content, ill take 79 more.@Nyx_773
I’m pretty sure this just added 12 years to my life. at the very least. anyway the end was so sweet when rozanov made it clear that none of these rules are true and he and hollander are very happy like UGH yes@adwingling_mercurialhigh
when hollander called rozanov by his last name instead of his first…. if my wife called me by my last name i think id immediately go buy flowers and apologize (I know it's different for these two bc of their careers and whatnot but STILL he had been calling him ilya the entire time before that)@usernamesaresohardomg
yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes peak content yes.@screaming_and_crying
poor hollander not knowing wtf he was about to get into at the start of this@its114amrn
yep im deceased. i cant breathe. this is too good.@ineedtosleep
THE LITTLE LEG PATS THAT ILYA WAS GIVING?? LIKE ON SHANES KNEE? AND THEN HIS THIGH??? CONSIDER ME GONE.@really_nervous_
im being so fr when i say i have not laughed this hard in a LONG time@h0ckeyluv3r
LMAOO im dying oh my GOD the whole winning rule and shane’s reaction to that?? i couldnt stop laughing, fuck@theblue_green_orange88
“i love hearing you speak your language” I WOULDVE FOLDED IMMEDIATELY I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO CONTINUE THE VIDEO I WOULDVE APOLOGIZED TO THAT POOR MAN THAT INSTANT@itsme_hi13_
why is this video 47 hours long…. when does it end guys???