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When there are so many people in the world, putting themselves on pedestals and sitting up there, all high and mighty like nothing can hurt them, just begging for him to come along and knock them down, it's a wonder that Ladd finds the time to do anything else at all. Honestly, if he were always actively seeking somebody new to take down, he would not have a free second, and even narrowing it down to those who present themselves in such a manner to him is difficult. It's lucky that he's an energetic sort of man who doesn't like to sit still for long, because he is a very, very busy man.
Yes, it's a wonder that he can find time for anything at all, and it's true that almost any time that's spent on anything else feels like a bit of a waste. He especially hates any time that is spent doing absolutely nothing at all, and there was a time when he absolutely hated sleeping, because he does not like to be idle, especially not for hours at a time, especially not when the night is perfect for such activities.
Meeting her changes things, but in such conflicting ways that he feels like he is being drug in two different directions. When she gives a purpose to his actions, a method to his madness, it makes it all the more important that his tasks become completed, because she is there, waiting for her turn, and he cannot give it to her out of turn. Lua is waiting for him, and he doesn't want to keep her waiting for too long, so the only solution to that is to hurry up and finish off everyone else as quickly as possible.
And yet, even with that increased motivation, he finds himself a lot more willing to take things slow . He doesn't like to sit still for long but when he's with her, he finds that he hardly gives a damn what he's doing, and this even makes sleeping bearable, because she's always tangled up in his arms and it becomes valuable time, time very well spent, and even if he still doesn't like to sleep, he can't say that he minds being so idle for the entire night.
Time spent with her is always time well spent, and because he cannot always bring her along when he is killing, he becomes very, very torn. If he does not work quickly, he is delaying her wonderful, wonderful death, but whenever he is away from her, it's all he can do not to think about getting back to her. It's all he can do not to distract himself from the fun at hand to think about the fun he has with her, and it's always been so perplexing that she can distract him so much and make his absolute favorite past time feel just a little bit...hollow.
And so he finds himself slacking off a lot more than he should; no matter how conflicted he feels, it seems that, more often than not, being with her wins out. He doesn't know what to make of all of this, and he doesn't know how he could allow himself to border on becoming lazy , all over her. There have been women- there have always been women, and there have even been important women, but no don't think about it - but there has never been anyone to offer up such a lovely distraction as Lua. He could spend an entire day doing absolutely nothing, but if she were there he isn't sure he could even call it a waste, and that does not make a bit of sense.
Ladd despises being idle and has never been lazy, but now he finds himself slipping, indulging in new hobbies and allowing himself to fill his time with nothing at all, nothing but her. Her hobbies are much more tame than his, much more still and solitary, but he sits with her sometimes and watches her, and doesn't think about what he could be accomplishing in the mean time. And when she is not busy with that, he teaches her how to dance and they waste hours on it, but, still, the word “waste” never comes to mind in relation to her.
Lua can be so still and quiet that it entrances him, and he fidgets while she hardly blinks, and he doesn't think of her as lazy at all because if he is not occupying her time, she is working a puzzle or painting the picture or sorting through his closet because he always leaves it such a mess, and yet when he is not working, all he wants to do is watch her, and even when he is working, it is hard not to wish he was not. He is becoming lazy, and he knows that this is delaying the most important thing, the climax to their romance, but if this is supposed to bother him more, it doesn't.
It doesn't bother him that he is wasting time that could be spent preparing for his ultimate gift to her, and it doesn't bother him that, while he is idle, there are those clinging to life that need him to sever their ties, and it doesn't bother him that he is becoming lazy because Lua is becoming everything , and it's so hard to see anything else. He wants to spend every moment left in her life holding her, watching her, talking to her, listening to her, everything, just as long as there is her. Even though murder has not lost its luster in the slightest, a very large part of him is beginning to see anything but time spent on her as the waste, and he doubts he will ever be able to make sense of any of this.
But.
But.
But there is a thought, one that lingers in the back of his mind that he tries to silence, one that crops up when he is working and when he is allowing himself a few lazy moments of self-indulgence. This thought opens up the possibility that there might be more to his “wasted” time than he admits, that there might be a part of him that is not as motivated as he claims, and he silences it because if he does not...if he doesn't silence it, then he has to acknowledge the possibility.
If he does not silence it, then he will have to ask himself if the reason behind his internal conflict, his laziness, his longing to be with her at all times, his desire to waste time, all stems from the fact that he will never be ready to fulfill their promise.