Archive of Our Own ^beta

Their minds merged, so achingly familiar yet different. This James T. Kirk was younger than his ever was. Spock had gone so long without contact with him, that he had forgotten the yearning he had to touch Jim’s mind once again.

Spock walked amongst Kirk's mind, as Kirk walked around in his. Romulans had destroyed this timeline, and Spock could not look at the James T. Kirk in this universe without remembering his one, the smile lines etched deep into his face, the last image left of his Captain.

The Romulans, he explained, have travelled back in time due to my mistake. It was all his fault, if he hadn't interfered and attempted to save Romulus from collapsing from the supernova then Vulcan wouldn't be destroyed, and Jim, at least in this universe, wouldn't have lost his father. Who knows what else will happen, Nero has the capability to destroy the Federation if he so choses, which he has.

Kirk's mind was always a wonder to feel, emotions bursting out from everywhere, vague memories of happiness that Spock could actually feel, yet an unspoken sadness under all the bright colours, the loss and burden of everyone on the Enterprise.

However, when Spock found himself in this one, it was a raging storm of confusion and anger that his alternative universe self had inflicted, exiling him to this snowy desert. But still some kind of affection and complete understanding of his situation, a parent that had died when nothing could be done. Still, Spock could sense that feeling that it was his Jim and the fiery confidence still burning, however dim, that had held the Enterprise together and its crew, and the fearless recklessness that Kirk had possessed. Something else too, something yellow and still some childhood innocence. This James Kirk already had a lot of pain as a child, something Spock wished he could do to help.

After all this universe had done to him, this Jim was still so similar to the one which had flown across space to try and rescue Spock on just a simple flicker of hope, risking and sacrificing his son, ship, and his Starfleet reputation. Still, Kirk had found a way back to him, and Spock had been by his side as if he had always been there and always will. That was until human nature had taken Kirk away from him, snapping the bond that he had denied having existed, the same bond that he could feel desperately reaching out to this James T. Kirk.

But he couldn't let that happen, this universe had still to begin, the relationship between he and Kirk still to flourish, and they had to discover themselves through a long journey.

James Tiberius Kirk was not having a good day. That stubborn Vulcan (as Bones would have said, hob goblin. He wasn't sure where he had gotten that information, he just knew) had sent him down to this ridiculously cold planet, as if he could stay here long. Well. His older version could.

And here he was, mind melding with someone who said he was Spock, or Ambassador Spock, Kirk somehow knows it's him, and a Vulcan can't lie. Well, he had a sneaking suspicion that part wasn't true, and that Vulcans exaggerate more than they let on.
It was strange, never before had he walked in a stranger's mind. Everyone's minds are strangers to each other, only people who have shared something as intimate as a mind meld could understand how it felt, two consciousness’ merging .

Their minds had slipped together easily, which led Kirk into thinking how experienced he was at this, how many moments had he shared with others just like this? Or maybe it was so normal and regular to him because he had felt this mind before, not in this timeline but in another.

I had attempted to save Romulus from this disaster, however a Romulan named Nero had misunderstood my efforts of rescue as something different. Kirk felt images run through his head, ones that weren’t his own: a ship, a planet, and the death of Romulus. Kirk felt immense heartbreak, something so overwhelming he gasped, knowing it did not come from inside him, rather inside Ambassador Spock.

It wasn’t particular memories in his mind, more like a sense of what was around him. He wasn’t in a physical form, but a soul. He could hear Spock's deep voice inside him, comforting and soothing the waves of fear that he had hid from everyone, even Bones.

What is this place? I know it’s your mind, but… It was breathtaking, blue swirls and pure emotion, so much deeper than anything Kirk had ever experienced and felt. Love. Not for him, but for Jim Kirk, the other one. Pain, unlike anything felt, radiated from every inch of him. Kirk wasn’t a telepath, but even he could sense it everywhere.

This is me, Jim. Maybe not who you are familiar with, but I am familiar with you.
Spock? How… in the other universe, were you and your Jim Kirk…. Friends?
The pain within him seemed to rise, and a slip of images rushed for Kirk, waves upon waves uncontrollably spilling from the barrier in Spock's mind.

Spock meeting him for the first time, and the look shared between them, a look filled with more emotion than he could ever have thought of, for a Vulcan.

Spock and Kirk playing chess, and the glint of hidden outrage yet humour had glistened in his eyes when Kirk had beaten him late into the night in the Captain’s quarters.

The dull, repetitive days in which Kirk had been missing, injured, or worse, presumed dead. There were a lot of days like that, apparently.

Jim sitting at his bedside after an away mission gone wrong, sharing parting words before he went to bed, not knowing that Spock had only been meditating and could hear every word he had said. Jim, he had wished he had said, Stay.
But no, Spock had not said those words, because although he would never willingly admit it, he was scared. Scared of what, he did not know. Losing the Captain was his greatest fear, one that inevitably came true.

There was no saving him this time, no doctor to repair him, no miraculous cure. No, his Jim was slipping away, and on that day, Spock had cried for the first time willingly since he was a small child. He had cursed human nature, even the one that possessed him, knowing there was nothing to be done to prevent his captain from fading away. Life had drained from his eyes, the same eyes that had held joy and a farewell just moments ago. And still, Spock could not say those three words, regret already festering and a burden weighing on his back.

Goodbye, th’l’ya, he had said, but only in his head. He had only hoped that in his last moments, Jim would have heard him through the bond.

It was then that the bond shattered, and Spock had cried, holding his captain in his hands until the doctors had taken him away. Even Bones could not help, he was beyond even that.

It ended then, so abruptly that Kirk had to stifle a gasp. He was still in Ambassador Spock's mind, but somehow it felt more open and inviting. It was then he realized the immense feelings Spock still had for his captain, even though he was gone.

This James T. Kirk had met the Vulcan in Starfleet Academy, the day of the Kobayashi Maru test. This Kirk had all those stories ahead of him, and he could feel that longing inside Spock, but also a small amount of relief that their adventures would continue in this universe.

Their essences met in between their two minds, and Kirk found himself wishing it wasn’t over, that him and the older Spock could share more, however he knew there would not be time to save the Enterprise, and the whole Federation. I must say goodbye now Jim, I will accompany you to the nearest Starfleet base, but then I must leave you.
Will we meet again? Kirk already knew the answer, but unfortunately he was not prepared.
Yes and no. You will see me again, in many years, he just won’t know it yet. This shall be my last time with you, but you should know you will see me in a thousand stars, in a hundred galaxies and I will always be with you. You must only look to your side, and see your Commander Spock to know how he feels about you, although he may not know it yet.

Kirk could feel Spock's mind untangling from his own, and knew what they had shared was something so rare and special: they had seen each other's mind, laid out bare.

He opened his eyes to find that they were wet, tears falling from his eyelashes. Sobs racked his body, cold seeping in regardless of the thick layers he had acquired. He couldn't imagine how much pain Spock was in, or will be. And he will be once again if they get close, and Spock has to suffer his death. But somehow he couldn't imagine a life without this Vulcan that he met in the last couple days, hell he didn't even know him! But still was a voice inside his head saying it was inevitable, and that's true. He couldn't imagine not having his science officer, or well he would be if the timeline was different, by his side. And he always will, Kirk got that feeling that they shouldn't, and wouldn't be separated again.

Spock lowered his hand, the crackling of the fire barely reaching his ears, the sound of his heart beating along with the man opposite him. It was then that he noticed the hole that had been left when Kirk died, so empty and the grief ripped him over again, but this time he wasn’t alone. The familiar presence in the back of his mind was still there, lingering but fading. This was the last time he would be connected to James T. Kirk, and in a way, he knew he had finally said goodbye.

He missed his home, but there was nothing there left for him, it was always his destiny to come here and change time. And still he will grieve for everything lost, everything that once was and yet to come, because their journey was just beginning. Now the people of Vulcan needed him, he felt them as he watched his home planet get destroyed, helpless to the millions of individuals screaming out for something to save them. He now belonged to an endangered species, and so did his younger, altered self. He wished he could help him through this journey, but Ambassador Spock knew he must walk his own path, and Kirk will come to shape him in more ways than he can realise.

The younger Kirk looked at him then, eyes full of raw understanding and pain. Spock didn’t want to have burdened him with such a task, but it was necessary, Kirk must carry on without him.

Spock was old, older than an average human yet younger than an elderly Vulcan. Sometimes he had wished to tell his younger self that he was not human, nor Vulcan, he was simply Spock. Both human and Vulcan.

It felt almost strange to speak aloud, the telepathic bond that had formed in the mind meld slowly dissolved. It was so different to the abrupt shattering of his past bond, formed out of friendship, but ended in love. Ambassador Spock knew they must part soon, and he was at peace with this, it was inevitable and logical. He hoped that this James T. Kirk could find love in his alternative self as his younger side had fallen in love with.

“He loved you, you know? I'm not sure how I know, but I do.”

Kirk knew this was true, that his older self had fallen in love with his unemotional, logical first officer that stood before him now.

A glimpse of sadness swelled inside of Spock, regret washing everything away. Regret for unspoken words, regret for actions he never took, regret for everything he had done to prevent them being together, yet hope. Hope for this Jim Kirk, hope that he will live through his younger self and be fulfilled, hope for them both, and hope that this universe will provide the love they need.

“It would be illogical to waste anymore time, based on the estimation that it it running out, and quickly”

Kirk scoffed at his words, suddenly seeing how similar his Spock was to this one. But Kirk nodded, heaving himself up and wiping the drying tears across his face. Spock extinguished the fire and moved on, the dying embers flickering weakly, the remnants of the flame leaving. Part of himself was being left behind too.

There was no need for words, they walked towards the outpost in silence. Someday, they will meet again, finding each other in every universe. Souls are drawn to each other, and while few individuals find their other half, they seem to find one another by accident, or luck. Why, it could be called a miracle, Spock mused.

The Enterprise was saved, combined with the Federation and on the whole, planet Earth. Still, James T. Kirk thought back on the advice Ambassador Spock had given him, and he needed to continue on this journey, wherever it would take him. The only thing he knew for certain, was that Spock would be by his side, and always will, in every universe.