Archive of Our Own ^beta

When Ravi gets back from vacation, the apples of his cheeks a pleasant rosy hue from all the sun exposure, he can feel the change in the air, and his first stop is to Eddie.

"Hey, uh, so how did things go while I was gone? Kinda thought things would be...happier...when I got back."

Eddie lets out a frustrated huff, running a hand through his hair.

"You'd think. No offense, but it was...nice...getting to work with Buck again. I didn't realize I missed it."

Ravi appraises him knowingly.

"But then that...that intervention happened and-"

"Yeah. Maddie was telling me about that. I can't believe you took Chimney's side," he comments, snapping his gum. "Like, objectively he was correct, but I thought you and Hen were besties now."

Eddie glares at Ravi.

"We can be BESTIES and still be in disagreement, especially over chain of command."

Ravi scoffs.

"What? It's true! You and Buck-"

"If it was Buck, you would think firing him was justified?"

"I thought so before!"

"Did you?"

And Eddie blanches, pausing for a long moment.

"I mean...I understood why."

"And you thought it was fair? You were not on Buck's side?"

And Eddie thinks back to that dark, dark time. The lawsuit.

He hasn't thought about it in a while, considering it one of the worst times of his life. Not only was the firehouse divided, but so was his family. Buck and Christopher on either side of chasm so deep, he-

"Would you have fired Buck? Honestly? Buck?"

Eddie stares back at Ravi, speechless.

Then, he says, "I...well...there's a reason I'm not Captain."

Ravi shrugs, turning towards the locker room.

"I just think it's interesting that you would fire your new work best friend, but you wouldn't be able to fire your old life best friend."

And Eddie frowns.

"He's not my old best friend. He's still-"

"Could've fooled me," Ravi interrupts with a shrug and walks away.

+

It doesn't hit him until later that Ravi said Maddie told him about the intervention. Ravi talks to Maddie? What the fuck? Eddie has been Buck's best friend for almost a decade, and Ravi comes in for a couple months and gets Maddie's phone number and texts her just a year after he himself got the number.

+

Eddie isn't intending to eavesdrop, but he was looking for Buck and finally found him on the roof. 

"I know. I know. But like...I'm just saying: The only people who have really...been there...for me through this have been Ravi and you."

He's quiet, listening to the person on the other line, and then he lets out a short laugh.

"Okay. And Robby too. Maybe mostly Robby. I've been trying to spend less time there, so his first words aren't Eddie or unfair."

He's quiet. Listening again.

"I know, Mads," he sighs. "My feelings are valid. I deserve to let myself feel my feelings and work on them in my own time."

Quiet again.

And Eddie creeps closer, until he's watching Buck where he leans over the railing, the phone to his ear. The picture of nonchalance.

"I know. It just...didn't feel good to hear, but it made me realize how big our own battles can be sometimes. We fail to see what's right in front of us and how we are reacting, and we can get a distorted view of ourselves."

Eddie thinks back to their fight in the kitchen all those months ago. When he told Buck he didn't care about him and didn't ask how he was.

He ponders, watching Buck shift from foot to foot: When did he last ask how Buck was?

+

He's never seen someone awkwardly stir their yogurt while still maintaining an unwavering level of eye contact, but today's the day.

"I haven't been back to Dispatch in a while," Eddie muses, trying to fill the silence with something. Anything. He shifts in the chair across from Maddie, and she hums with a forced smile before taking a bite of her yogurt.

She places her spoon back in the cup and appraises him.

"What brings you here today, Eddie?"

And he blanches, suddenly hot at the ears. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. But he needs to know-

"Why do you talk to Ravi but not to me?"

Maddie quirks a brow at him.

"I know it shouldn't bother me," he confesses. Briefly, he sidebars to himself out loud, "Usually I wouldn't be bothered, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it for days."

When he meets Maddie's eyes, she stares back as if she's silently laughing at him, and the corners of her mouth quirk up minimally.

"It's been almost a decade," he continues sheepishly. "I was Buck's...I was...for years. In the last year, I received that one picture of Buck baking while I was in El Paso. And then you texted me your condolences when Abuela died. Thank you, by the way."

Maddie reaches across the table and pats his hand a couple times.

"Of course."

"But what does Ravi have that I don't?"

And Maddie rolls her eyes good naturedly.

"It's kind of obvious," she says finally.

And Eddie frowns at her, dumbfounded.

"To Evan, you are the entire world, but to you...I never got that. Ravi is only ever going to be his friend, and they care about each other evenly. It's true that I've never gotten to know you, but I know what my brother has been through. I know there's...love...there, but you're just...a mystery to me."

"I don't...have to be."

Maddie shrugs and digs into her yogurt again.

She takes a quick look at her phone and sighs.

"I have to get back to the floor, but think about this. I know more about my brother and his emotional struggles than likely even you do sometimes. You are a good man. I know that even if I don't know you. But someone has to be fully in his corner, and it's me."

+

Since the intervention and all of this nonsense with Buck, Eddie has become hyper aware of just how prevalent Buck is in his everyday thoughts and ponderings.

For example, almost a year to the date when he was sitting across from Hen and Karen, telling them he hadn't told Buck about being hired as a firefighter in El Paso, and that's where he is now (minus Karen, who is at work).

Hen looks worse for wear, the treatments for her autoimmune disease really taking it out of her. She's talking about how she's doing - emotionally, physically, all of it.

And all Eddie can think about is Buck.

Buck who externalized his pain and dissected his friends for emotional issues without really delving deeper.

Buck who would be making dinner for Hen and her family - and probably meal prep - if he was here right now.

He wonders for a moment, What is Buck doing right now?

"You're distracted," Hen croaks, and Eddie snaps to attention, meeting her eyes. "What's eating you, Edmundo?"

Eddie huffs out a laugh.

"Right now is about you," he deflects, "and how you are."

Hen just raises an eyebrow at him, silently calling bull shit.

"What did Buck do this time?"

Eddie can feel his cheeks heating.

"He...he...do you really want to hear about this right now? You're trying to get better. You said last week that-"

"Well, I'm bored now," Hen interrupts him with a wave of her hand. "I don't have a job, and I'm in treatment for a disease which means I can't go for a walk and stay awake through even an episode of a TV show. This drama will take my mind off of things."

Eddie blinks at her a few times.

"Come on. Is it about all this? Did he make it about himself that you chose Chimney's side?"

And Eddie feels a little pang at that. And the soft betrayal in her voice. He reaches over a hand, to hold hers.

"You lied to everyone and put the public's life at risk," he explains as gently as he can. "I love you no matter what though and will fight with you to be fully reinstated when you're well again."

Hen sighs and pats his hand.

"Okay. So Buck? You keep saying he makes things about himself, and we...we know Buck. He's well meaning, but...he does that. Tell me what's going on, Eddie."

Eddie takes a few deep breaths, feeling his heartbeat quicken.

"I...um...so I've been re evaluating some things lately."

She squeezes his hand encouragingly.

"And I wonder if...I wonder if maybe he's not the one who makes everything about himself."

She squints at him.

"I wonder if...maybe...maybe I make everything about him, actually."

Understanding crosses her features, but she doesn't speak.

"Like...all roads lead to Buck. Always. I don't know what to do in a relationship - I go to Buck. I need help raising my son - I go to Buck. I'm lonely - Buck. I'm sad - Buck. I think about him constantly, and every decision I make...there he is. I've been...i don't know...trying to ignore that for years, but he's always there, Hen."

He runs a hand through his hair, frustrated.

"He doesn't even have to try. Like just now? You were telling me about your life and how things are going, and I was imagining what Buck would be doing if he was here. In fact, I'm wondering what he's doing while he's not here. I want to go into Find My Friends and see if he's at his house."

He feels crazed, info dumping his darkest secrets.

"He...I...when you and I were partners those first six months, I can't even tell you how many times I checked that when we were on separate calls. Or...or...when he was dating Tommy? I would check in even when I knew he was over there. And I...it's a compulsion, I think. I might be obsessed. But yeah. Maybe he doesn't make everything about him. Maybe...maybe I do."

Eddie finally looks up from the distance he's been staring into and sees that Hen has fallen asleep, and she's snoring softly.

He smiles kindly at her and stands, navigating her wheelchair around until he can get her to her room and deposit her in her bed.

Eddie closes the door softly and shoots a text off to Karen.

E: headed out. Hen is asleep.

K: 💕

+

When Buck answers the front door of his house, looking wary, Eddie snaps, pushing past him already ranting.

"Do you know when you were suing the LAFD, it took about 95% of my self control to not call you or appear at your house with my son in tow? Like, literally, fuck the law and the regulations and any governing body. No one can keep me away from you. Lord knows, I dreamt of you enough."

Buck stares at him slack jawed.

"And when I yelled at you after the funeral do you know what really pissed me off? I wanted you to ask me how I was doing, because I had been crazy over how you were doing! A little reciprocation would be fucking nice."

He opens the refrigerator and pulls out one of Buck's probiotic sodas. He picks the lemon lime flavor and cracks it open.

After a long swig, he continues.

"I can't believe I accused you of making everything about yourself."

"I...I do-"

"Shut up."

Buck blushes.

"Do you know who actually makes everything about you? Me! I want to know what you're doing, every hour of every day. You really should turn off my ability to see you on Find My Friends because it's literally on my screen time. Chris showed me once, and I just...I couldn't admit it. But I've been reflecting, and I think...I think everything is about you, Buck. Because I make it about you. Because all I do is think of you."

Buck blinks at him quickly, at a loss for words.

"Well, you and Chris. I stalk him on that app too. And I would give up my entire world for him. Even...even-"

"Me?"

"You."

They're quiet for a long while, digesting.

"Is that why you always wanted to hang out when I was on dates with Tommy?"

"You always said yes."

"Hmmm."

Another long silence.

"When you say you think of me all time, do you mean...all...the time?"

"I went to the dentist last week, and they don't give me anesthesia. I just...think of you and Chris, and live in that moment while they're working on me."

Buck's eyes go misty.

"You...I'm...I'm your happy place."

Eddie feels choked up, but he nods.

"And you were what? Just going to go on like this forever? In silence?"

"I didn't second guess the behavior until...okay this is going to sound insane. Until Ravi told me he texts Maddie. And I went to her because she has never texted me like that. We've been partners for almost-"

"A decade," Buck nods in understanding, and then he smirks. "So much for not being Mr. FOMO."

Eddie rolls his eyes.

"I only have FOMO when it comes to you it seems."

Buck swallows thickly, like he just took a spoonful of peanut butter.

"You're kind of neurotic, Eddie," he states.

And Eddie shrugs.

"I hope that's okay."

"It is."

They're quiet again, just eyeing each other with smiles.

"Are you gonna...is that it?" Buck finally asks. A challenge. "You're just gonna drop that and...go?"

Eddie shifts uncomfortably, not knowing what to do next.

"I...do you want me to...go?"

"No."

Eddie nods.

"Never, actually."

Eddie cocks his head to the side.

"I never want you to leave. I want...I want you to stay. And I want Chris to be here too. If that wasn't obvious."

"He can't live in my house alone."

"He's not 18," Buck agrees.

And Eddie snorts, smiling.

"There's plenty of room," Buck continues. "And we can get one of those chairs that goes up the stairs. One for the attic too, so he can see where that creepy squatter used to live."

Eddie hums, deciding to finally walk closer to Buck, until they're shoulder to shoulder, both leaning against the counter.

"Or we can move somewhere else if having multiple levels doesn't work. But I think it will. And there's a big back yard, so we could get a dog. And I own this place! So...so we could...we could..."

Buck trails off, watching Eddie for a reaction, and he melts when Eddie smiles serenely.

"I'll think about it," he promises, "but for now..."

"For now?"

Eddie inches closer, his breath fanning Buck's face.

"There's one other thing I've been obsessing over for the last week. Now that I'm not blind and all."

He's very obviously (and hungrily) eyeing Buck's lips.

And Buck positively melts.

"Oh yeah? Maybe you should...try it out?"

"Hm...I think I will."