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“If there were no love, hope would not exist, either; it would be like a letter waiting to be picked up.”
Søren Kierkegaard, Works of Love
1.
There was something about the blue sky and crystal clear water that felt special, intoxicating even. They’d snuck into a souvenir store and walked out with a bunch of Bob Marley-themed keychains and lousy shirts, then walked back to the beach, strolling along the shore to the sound of drums. Jamaica was straight out of a dream; every person was welcoming and kind, a group of artists playing handmade instruments in all the corners. “A discount for Britons, since you can barely handle the sun,” had said the man who sold them suncream.
Dan wasn’t particularly fond of physical affection, especially not in public, but he couldn’t let the opportunity to go to waste. Nobody knew them there, and it felt like the most perfect cliché scene out of a romantic comedy: the sunset made the sky pink, the loud sound of waves crashing, and he had a light grip on Phil’s hand, his fingers tracing the soft skin.
They sat down by the sea, fingers still intertwined and the sand digging into their feet. Both settled into a comfortable silence, Dan’s head resting on Phil’s shoulder and moving quietly with every exhale. The air felt thick with the fondness and all the words better left unspoken - neither thought “I love you” could convey what they really felt. Sometimes, Dan was scared they’d jumped in too quickly, declaring forevers and making do-it-yourself promise rings, but in that moment everything was just right.
“I can’t believe we’re actually here,” said Phil. And it was true; they’d entertained the idea of travelling together, but it never went farther than London for YouTube gatherings, and it felt surreal to be in a whole other country with someone he loved so much.
“I wanna do this more,” said Dan and squeezed Phil’s hand. He turned around so he could look into his eyes, that blue he’d fallen in love with so many times.
“What, come to Jamaica?” Phil asked, a sudden incredulous look on his face. “This is kind of hard, but if you really want to, I can look into coming again. Ourselves.”
“No,” he shook his head. “This, you know. Travel more often.” The sound of the waves sounded distant to Dan, with how close they were. It felt more intimate than the countless times they’d started making out in Phil’s parents’ sofa. Like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Phil smiled. “You’ve been to India, haven’t you? I mean… It’s quite a bit of experience if you ask me,” he said, and let go of Dan’s hand so he could run his fingers through his curls. He wished Dan would love his natural hair as much as he did.
He giggled. “I mean with you, oh my god,” and rolled his eyes. “Going to India a few months ago was like a nightmare. I missed you so much.” Dan inhaled and thought about how lucky he was. He leaned in, his right hand resting on Phil’s neck; but he stopped just before they actually kissed, taking a moment to look into those eyes that felt like they held all the beauty in the world.
“I love you,” Dan whispered. He didn’t need an answer; it was clear enough by the way Phil kissed him like it was all that mattered.
2.
They lay in the sand, freezing water hitting their feet every now and then. Phil sipped his rum punch, making a face at the taste. “I thought this would be a lot less fruity,” he said.
Dan didn’t pay him much attention. “This is never gonna come off my hair,” he whined. “I’ll have sand in my arse for months.” He was so engulfed in his self-loathing that he barely noticed when Phil snuck behind him with a camera, capturing it all on video.
“Hey, stop!” Dan yelled, doing his best to sound angry and stifle his giggles. In reality, he couldn’t be mad at Phil even if he tried. Maybe that was what love was all about, he thought. “Don’t film that, what the hell, we already have a video for every channel.”
“This isn’t for them, though,” Phil mumbled. He sounded embarrassed, and Dan couldn’t tell why. “This is for me. Us. I just want to remember this,” he went on. “Is that okay?”
Dan’s heart felt like it was doing somersaults inside his ribcage. “Yeah. Yeah, it’s okay,” and he kissed Phil in front of a camera for the first time.
3.
“I really want to travel more. With you,” said Dan. He turned his head to look at Phil, who was absent-minded and smiley, playing with a shell and spinning it around. He looked like an angel, but he wasn’t about to admit it out loud. “I know there’s the money thing, uni and all. But. Maybe, once we’re older. Yeah.”
Phil threw the shell back into the ocean. “Any places you had in mind?”
He looked deep in thought for a brief second before smiling. “Your vlogs,” he answered. “All the funny Florida stories. I wanna go there someday.”
“We could do that,” Phil said. “I could save up some, bring you when I go with family. You could come up less often, save the money from your tickets.”
Dan pulled a face at that, but he knew a good half of his money went towards visiting Phil up in the north as often as he could. Those trips made everything a lot more bearable though, and he didn’t know if he was ready to give some of them up. “Yeah, I get that. But I’m really attached to the trains already,” he joked.
Phil laughed. “It’s just a silly suggestion. We don’t need to do that right now. Leave it for the future.” Neither of them really mentioned how heavy the word felt on their tongues. Future implied so much: a serious, long lasting relationship, maybe even engagement and marriage someday. Despite everything, they were willing to keep going.
“Speaking of that,” Dan said, “how’s the whole, uh, flat thing going?” Over Skype, Phil had mentioned a couple of times that he’d been house hunting, but never really got into any details.
“So, about that,” Phil paused and bit his lip. “I found some flats in Manchester that I really liked. And… I think I’ll move in next year. They’re all really close to the city centre, too, so it’ll be easy when you go up to uni. We could, uh, go out all the time when you’re not drowning in schoolwork.”
They settled into silence. “Or,” Phil spoke up.
“Or?” Dan repeated. He had no idea what was coming, but the way Phil scrunched his face up and fiddled with his fingers made him slightly anxious. “During your second year. You could… Not be in dorms anymore?”
“What?” Dan choked. “Do you seriously think I’m not even gonna survive this year?” He looked deeply offended.
Phil burst into laughs. Dan didn’t know what was so funny, but he waited. “Jesus, Dan. No. Oh God, how did you even think I meant that?” He giggled again. “I wanted you to move in with me. Nothing is settled yet, just, try to talk to your parents about it? It’s better than the shitty dorms, trust me.”
“What’d you think?” Phil pressed. Dan didn’t answer. With sand sticking to his body and just the glow of the moon over them, he rolled over and kissed Phil again and again until his lips felt puffy.
4.
Their legs were intertwined under the thin blanket, Phil’s breath on his neck, chest and back pressed flush against each other.
Dan was barely out of his post-orgasm haze when he spoke again, raspy voice and tiredness making him slur slightly. “We should go somewhere different. When we’re older and I graduate.”
“Yeah?” Phil asked. He tightened his grip on Dan’s waist, lightly squeezing the soft skin he’d had his lips on not even twenty minutes ago.
“Yeah. We should go to like, Japan. Pay respects to Square,” Dan giggled. “Bow in front of the Sony headquarters. Beg Nintendo for some real life Pokémon.”
“Promise you,” Phil said. “When we’re older and billionaires and hot men. I’m gonna take you to Japan and we can get engaged there. In front of a pretty mountain,” he mused.
Dan didn’t get to hear that last part, though. He was already fast asleep, subconsciously snuggling closer to Phil’s warm chest and snoring. But Phil didn’t mind. He quite liked the way “engaged” rolled off his tongue so easily.
5.
Dan impatiently drummed his fingers on the armrest. “I know it’s annoying,” he said. “I can’t help it, okay? I hate planes. I don’t even know.”
“It’s not annoying,” Phil smiled. “Nothing you do could ever be annoying. Jesus, that was so cheesy. Pretend I didn’t say that.”
He rolled his eyes and grabbed Phil’s hand. “I’m kinda homesick, though,” he mumbled. “When I say homesick, I mean I miss your house. I even miss the creepy Kill Bill poster.”
“Yeah,” Phil sighed. “Me too.” He took to stroking Dan’s hair, trying to calm him down. It wasn’t as fun as playing with his curls, but his efforts to make him stop straightening his hair were for naught.
“This trip was pretty good, though. I mean. Jamaica isn’t somewhere I thought I would ever be to.”
“It was and it isn’t,” agreed Phil. “Those things we talked about. I know it sounded a bit spur of the moment, but I meant it. I wanna travel the world with you. It’s just… I don’t know.”
Dan smiled. “Where do you think we’ll be in, fuck, I don’t know. Five years?”
“Hard hitting questions and we haven’t even taken off, wow. Uh. I think, we’ll maybe be living together, I hope you end up moving in with me for good. And we could go to Florida or something. I wanna keep doing YouTube,” Phil rambled. “Can you imagine if I ever got like, a million subscribers?”
“I think you will,” he encouraged. “I think you deserve it more than anyone. I, uh, I want all of that to be real. I want to graduate and live with you. But also, I don’t really care if things don’t go that way. As long as I have you,” Dan whispered.
The lights went off for take-off. Phil kissed the top of his head. “You will.”