Archive of Our Own ^beta

“nicole, why won’t you just trust me? why do you always think the worst of everything?” jecka asked, almost begging for nicole to just open her lies and let her in. that’s exactly what she was doing though, that’s all she wanted from the moment their eyes met. jecka knew what she felt was real and true, and yet, despite her best efforts, she couldn’t convince nicole that.

“well, sorry that my whole life has been a fucking shitshow!” nicole shouted. jecka hated how she took everything like it was a personal attack. “besides, why does it even matter?! it’s not like either of us were made for this, so who fucking cares?! we’re both suicidal and addicted to like, every fucking substance, so why bother with this?!”

“we could at least try! you could at least try!” jecka yelled back, tears spilling faster than she could cry them. “nicole, you do not get to just throw me aside like this after everything we’ve been through! grow some fucking balls and stop running away from this, from me!”
“fuck you, i can do whatever i want with my life!”

-

drenched in a cold sweat, jecka woke up panting and hyperventilating. fuck, not this dream again. she glanced over at her husband who was still sleeping as peacefully as ever. the last thing she wanted was for him to see her like this over someone he could never be. ever since their last moment, jecka has never been able to move on from nicole, and it kills her.

it seems like nicole can do whatever she wants with her life, and none of it included jecka.

just then, jecka heard a buzzing sound. it was her phone on her nightstand, ringing and going off like crazy. it’s the middle of the night, who could possibly be calling her at a time like this? there was no caller id, just some random number. jecka debated on hanging up, but if it was something important, she would hate to miss it over just being tired.

“hello?” she answered, hoping that whatever this call was about would end soon.
“jecka? is that you?” she recognized that voice immediately. it was the same voice that’s haunted for years and years, it was the same voice she’s dreamt of coming back to her, it was the same voice she wished she heard on her wedding day. it was nicole, but why was it her?

“nicole?!” jecka exclaimed, almost forgetting about her sleeping husband. quietly, she headed out onto the patio in nothing but a bathrobe. “why are you calling me so late?”
against her better judgement, she never blocked nicole’s number and only deleted it off her phone. she figured that it wouldn’t matter with how deadset nicole was on leaving her life.

“i- i didn’t know who else to call,” nicole replied between hiccups and heavy breathing. fuck, why did it have to be a drunk call of all things? to be thought about sober was one thing, but to be thought about drunk was a whole other thing. at her most unconscious of times, nicole had no one else but jecka on her mind, and jecka hated the way nicole wanted her.

why couldn’t it have been the way jecka wanted her? why did they have to be so different? so many unanswered questions, and yet, all jecka can wonder is if nicole still thinks about her.
“ok, well, why did you call me?” but of course she won’t ask. it’s tacky and desperate, and the last thing she wants is to give nicole any satisfaction that after all these years, she still loves her.

there’s silence on the other side, and jecka assumes nicole had just fallen asleep or something. when she drinks, she drinks hard, and she’s passed out in jecka’s bed more times than she can count on both hands. it was annoying, and yet, every time she did, jecka took care of her better than she did herself, looking forward to waking up the next morning with her.

“...because i miss you,” nicole finally responds, and it cuts deeper than jecka would like to admit. it’s the kind of tackiness and desperation she was trying to avoid that nicole said like it was nothing. it was full of years and years of regret as if she were going through hell and back just to have this call with her. jecka felt it, but she wouldn’t let herself know it.

but of course, it’s in her nature to take care of nicole. “where are you right now?”
nicole hiccups. “remember that first bar we went to when we got our first fakes?”
how could she not, she avoids that place like the plague. jecka looks out at the city, already pinpointing exactly where nicole is. she’s maybe just a twenty, thirty minute drive away.

“i thought you left the city,” jecka diverted, wanting nothing to do with that stupid bar. maybe she wouldn’t care that much if that wasn’t the first time they had kissed. of course it was when they were drunk, nicole could never love, care about, or even know her in a sane, sensible manner.
“i did, i fucking hate it here. i just… came back to visit.”

that was the most obvious lie ever, but jecka didn’t push it or pry. even if nicole would never come back to visit her mom and brother, she didn’t care enough to know more. nicole’s family had nothing to do with her, and for a while, jecka thought she had nothing to do with her either.
“fuck, i lied,” nicole confessed, “i lied, i’m sorry. i wanted to see you, but i chickened out.”

jecka didn’t respond, she didn’t want to. the hole nicole left in her heart was far too big to be mended, and she couldn’t risk opening that wound back up. it was hastily fixed and bandaged up with a mediocre career and decent-looking husband, and that was enough for jecka to leave it be. she could ignore it, but of course nicole just had to come back into her life.

what’s worse is that she’s drunk, she’s always on or doing something. for once, jecka just wanted to know what it was like to be seen without a glossy expression and hazy eyes. for once, she just wanted to sit with nicole and feel it all. no drugs, no alcohol, no nothing, just the two of them together and in love. but it seems like that was still too much to ask for.

“i know i’m drunk as shit and shouldn’t even be doing this”- nicole hiccuped and sobbed -“but i miss you, jecka, i have never once stopped thinking about you. i know i fucked up, i know i hurt you, and i’m sorry, i’m so fucking sorry. i’m the fucking worst, and you were the best thing i ever had. jecka, please, fuck, please tell me you feel the same way.”

jecka has never heard nicole apologize and genuinely mean it with her whole heart. she was always that bitchy, prissy little cunt that only ever said sorry as a retort. not only that, but nothing she ever said was ever that serious either, and nicole would rather kill herself than be sincere about anything. she wasn’t that kind of person, and jecka knew that.

and yet, here she was, apologizing, crying, and acting a blubbering fool. she’s desperate, she’s pathetic, and jecka just feels bad. she can’t think of anything else to say or feel or even think, she just feels bad. nicole’s throwing herself at her, and as much as jecka wants her back in her life, she can’t let nicole ruin her all over again, she just can’t.

“i used to,” she answers like it kills her to, “i used to all the damn time.”
jecka honestly couldn’t tell if she was lying or not. she has a new life now, she’s married, and she’s been with her husband for six years. there was nothing in her life that was remotely about nicole, and as hard as it was, jecka moved on and got over her.

she says that, and yet, she just woke up from another nightmare about their break-up. everything is vivid and bright, and she can't count how many times she’s relived it and woke up wondering why nicole wasn’t there with her. instead, she wakes up to her husband, and jecka feels everything and anything but love. he’s not what love is, and he never could’ve been.

but marrying him meant she would have a normal life, and jecka was getting tired of chasing someone who would never do the same for her. well, as long as they were sober that is.
“you were awful, nicole,” jecka continued, her chest aching. “even if you say you know you were, you could never understand just how terrible you were to me.”

it took everything in jecka not to burst out into tears, and it took even more for her not to jump off this balcony. nicole wasn’t worth the trouble though, even if she so badly wishes she were.
“i don’t think i ever kissed you without some kind of aftertaste. you were always either drunk, high, or both, and for some stupid reason, i still stayed with you.”

when they got together in high school, nicole wasn’t that bad, and sometimes, she was even sweet and an actually good girlfriend. but then they got into college, and their whole relationship went to shit. it was truly the worst time of her life, and even after when nicole dropped out did things continue to get bad. jecka wanted to be more than this, but nicole never let her.

she would argue nicole still doesn’t let her, but that might just be her fault this time.

“you were fucking awful,” jecka finally cried out, a single stray tear running down her face that nicole used to kiss away, “and you didn’t deserve anything i gave you.”
jecka didn’t need to call it love, she knew nicole felt it. she always did, taking more than she was given and stripping jecka of all the life in her eyes. it was cruel, but it was their kind of love.

“...i’m sorry,” was all nicole could say. there’s nothing she could say to make up for it, but at least she said something. “i’m sorry, jecka. i was an ass, i really was.”
jecka could only laugh. that was a huge understatement, but she was far too tired to make it into anything else. nicole knew what she did, but in the same vein, she would never know enough.

“yeah, you were.” checking the time, jecka needed to go back to bed soon. after all, she has a job to worry about. “nicole, i need to go. please… please don’t call me again.”
“wha- wait, jecka, please don’t go, i need you-”
“nicole, please don’t do this to me anymore. i’m tired, i really am.”

there’s silence, the kind that jecka is all too familiar with. throughout their entire relationship, she’s had to beg for nicole’s affection, and more times than not, it ended just like this. jecka felt neglected and nicole didn’t care enough to fix it, and for some strange reason, she still stayed. she stayed in spite of it all because jecka truly only knew how to love nicole with all that she is.

“...please, won’t you give me one more chance?” nicole begs, her voice barely louder than a whisper. it’s hushed, quiet, and completely unlike her, and that’s how jecka knows she means it. never in her life would she let anybody catch her in such a pitiful state, and jecka was no exception. nicole was a stone-cold bitch, and jecka loved her for it.

but in this moment, her walls come crashing down, and she finally admits that she can’t live without her. nicole needs jecka’s warmth back in her life, and jecka would be a fool to relinquish herself to nicole all over again. she wants to, she wants to badly, but she knows better not to. it’s taken her years to learn that, and she can’t spend any more learning it all over again.

“goodbye, nicole,” jecka says, her heavy heart the slightest bit lighter. she waits for a few seconds, hoping that she’ll get to hear nicole one last time. but when she doesn’t respond, she simply just hangs up, and maybe it’s better that way. she never should’ve picked up the phone in the first place, but she did, and she can’t let go as easily as she did before.

though, to say she ever let go of nicole wouldn’t exactly be accurate.

she stared at the keys on her nightstand and wondered just how quietly she could open the front door. she’s sure she could do it, but was it going to be worth it? maybe if she were still 17, it would be worth it, but what about now? jecka looks over at her sleeping husband and back at her keys. they’re both here with her, and it’s up to her to choose which one matters more to her.

the safety and security of a boring, normal life, or the risk of losing it all to finally feel something.

oh, what she wouldn’t give to have both in her life and arms right now.

jecka gives her keys and her husband one last look, and against her better judgement, she chooses her keys and sneaks out as quietly as she can. she slips on her shoes, about to open the front door when she comes to a halt. her hand is already on the handle, all she has to do is twist it and she’ll be on her way to the only love she’s ever wanted to have.

it’s right there, it’s so close, it’s only a short car ride away. if she wants it badly enough, she can have it, she just needs to leave. jecka wants it more than anything, and yet, here she is, frozen in time, space, and the name of love. fuck, she wishes someone would just tell her what to do. she just doesn’t want to regret this, but it feels like she will no matter what choice she makes.

so jecka takes the one she’s been regretting the most, the one that’s been haunting her dreams and awakens her in a cold sweat. it might kill her, but it also might bring her back to life. at least, that’s what she’s hoping for because if it doesn’t, she won’t have a bed and loving partner to come back home to. but then again, was it ever home to begin with?

and so, jecka makes her move, and she hopes it won’t end like last time.

she really, really, really hopes it doesn’t.