Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

September 30, Tuesday

So. This is my diary. Which, honestly, I never really wanted to have. Diaries are stupid. But my psychotherapist said that I can "benefit greatly" from doing it, so here I am.

My name is Luke Skywalker. I'm 17, and you may already wonder why I need a therapist at this ripe young age. Don't worry, so do I. Apparently, I am Traumatized by the stuff that happened with my dad. At least, that's what everybody else seems to think. And apparently, I'm not supposed to tell them that they are wrong, because that would mean I'm in denial, and that, in turn, would mean that I'm even more Traumatised than everybody had thought in the first place. Isn't that weird?

Anyway. We've recently moved to another city, and that sucks far more than anything that happened back home. I'm supposed to go to a new school, make new friends and start a new life. Sounds easy? Only on paper.

Nah, strike that out. It sounds like hell EVEN on paper. In case you wonder, I was not one of the popular kids in my old school. I wouldn't say I was one of the most unpopular kids either (which means I wasn't shoved into a locker on a daily basis for being a "fucking nerd", despite being one). But that's mostly because every damn bully in my school wanted to bang my sister (I daresay, long before it would even be legal), and Leia firmly believes that she is the only one who has the right to bully me. Which is like. Okay, sis. You still could be a little nicer to me, though.

But you get my point. I have approximately about 0,09% chance of not being completely alone and miserable in the last year of my highschool. Thanks, Mom.

My psychotherapist says that it's gonna become better, but I don't believe him. I want my old friends back. We still play games together via discord, but that's just not the same.

Leia told me I should stop being a little whiny bitch and just suck it up, like she and Mom did, but it's easy for her to say. She'll be the Queen of the School in no time, and Mom has her job, at least, even if now it will be less about public speeches and more about behind-the-curtains shenanigans, or whatever it's called in politics. Me, though? I have nothing. And you may think it's a little dramatic, but I would like to look at you, if your dad was (according to the rest of your family) a complete nutcase, and your mom would decide to switch cities just to make sure we all never see him again. Oh, and on top of that? She actually changed our surnames. Like, legally. Leia likes it, apparently, but honestly, I'd rather die than ever call myself "Luke Amidala" out loud. Nope. Nothing personal, Mom, but that sounds HORRIBLE. As soon as I'm 18, I'm switching it back.

Luke Skywalker, out.

Chapter Text

October 1, Wednesday 

On the second thought? Perhaps, Mom was onto something with all this surname change stuff. I mean, it still doesn't go well with my name at all, and I'm still not gonna call myself anything but Skywalker. But I also fully realise that every time I call myself Luke Skywalker, it will cause a real shitstorm. How so? Let's see.

My first day at the new school went about as horrible as you could expect. To be fair, it started kinda normal, but that lasted about ten minutes (that's how much it took to find the classroom) after Mom dropped us off at the schoolyard.

(Which, mind you, is kinda embarrassing. And certainly not a way to make a cool first impression, but what do I know? Apparently, Mom is afraid that Dad can still find us somehow and, eh, kidnap us? Or just me, because, honestly, even Dad isn't _that_ crazy to try to kidnap Leia. I'm pretty sure that if she's ever taken a hostage by anyone, those losers will be on the phone with Mom in five minutes, asking how much should they pay her to take Leia back. And anyway, this whole kidnapping idea is just ridiculous. First: we are 17, not 7. Second: WE'VE MOVED TO ANOTHER CITY. What was even the point then?)

Anyway. Mom drops us off, and we find the classroom. We manage to get there just in time, if you count out the fact that we are popping up there in October rather than in September. The teacher is there, asking us to introduce ourselves. Leia goes first, because of course she does. She's going with all this Leia Amidala bullshit, so obviously, when the teacher turns to me, he says: 

"And you must be Luke Amidala then."

To which I obviously answer: 

"Actually, it's Luke Skywalker."

At this point Leia is already rolling her eyes. The teacher is all like "hmm, how strange, here it's written...", but then someone from the back row says:

"Wait. Skywalker, like in «the guy who had blown up the local police department»?"

Which was wrong on so many levels. First: that has nothing to do with all the introduction stuff. Can you not just mind your own business? Second: Dad had never blown up a police department. Technically, he burnt it down, and that (according to his defense attorney) was not even really his fault, and this entire police department was totally corrupt anyway, and now all his ex-collegues are either in jail or somewhere across the border. So. Not that big of a deal. And third: that was just rude. 

But what was I supposed to do? Of course I had to admit that yeah, that's my dad. 

It probably goes without saying that I didn't get any reputation points by admitting that. Now everyone was staring at us like it was our fault somehow that our dad made such a huge mess that even on the other side of the country people know his name now.

I know, I've probably already convinced you that Leia is the meanest girl on the planet Earth. Which is not wrong, she totally is. But I also have to admit that she's kinda smart. So she immediately came up with an idea of how to get out of this situation. For herself.

"Yeah," she said. "That's Luke's dad."

That got the teacher confused.

"Aren't you two siblings?" He asked. 

"Do we look like siblings?" Leia asked. 

Which is fair. Usually no one believes us at first when we say that we are twins. I have no idea how it's supposed to work from the scientific standpoint, but she looks all like our mom, and I look all like our dad. Which, I guess, is why her bullshit worked. 

So now I wasn't just a "fucking nerd" and a son of The Psycho. I was also not Leia's brother. Which probably means I'll have to eat my lunches in the toilet stall for the rest of the school year, and then some. Thanks, sis.

Chapter Text

October 2, Thursday 

On the plus side, I've got the teacher to change my name to Skywalker in the attendance sheet. That will work only till he remembers to actually check my documents in the school database, but I hope it won't happen any time soon. 

On the minus side, nobody talks to me. Like, at all. Which is still better than being called names, but also kinda lonely. So I came up with an amazing idea of how to restore my reputation. I decided to join our school's football team. 

It shouldn't be that hard. I was never a jock, obviously, but I can run really fast, and also, Dad was, like, the greatest quarterback of all times back in his school. So it should run in the family. And everybody loves jocks. The plan was perfect.

After the classes, I went to sign up to my New Shiny Life. It went... Well, it went not as good as I expected, but hey, life isn't obliged to live up to our expectations, or whatever Mom says when I complain about my new room being smaller than Leia's.

The coach looked at me and clearly wasn't impressed. Let me clarify, I'm not small. Well. I'm not as big as some other boys, but I'm not as tiny as Leia, at least, and hey, if you have any problems, take it to my mom, it's all her genes. Anyway, there was no reason to be an asshole about it, but the coach still said: 

"Aren't you a little small for football? Have you thought about trying, I don't know, ballet instead?"

I'm still pissed about that, by the way. Ballet? Seriously?

Of course I went like: 

"Uh, no. I'd really like to play football. I can run really fast, and my dad was an amazing quarterback."

Which still didn't impress him much, but he agreed to give me a chance. Apparently, they didn't have enough players, so the team was kinda desperate for new blood. Duh. If that's how you treat your volunteers...

Anyway, there is no training this Thursday, so I have to come back tomorrow, and then he'll see. Oh, he will see. I'm going to OBLITERATE them, just watch.

Chapter Text

October 4, Saturday

I can kinda move my hands now without passing out from pain?

Okay, not really

Chapter Text

October 5, Sunday

Okay, that actually went not as horrible as you might've thought. 

By which I mean, none of my limbs are broken (contrary to what I originally thought) and I (miraculously) still have all my teeth in place.

Oh, and I've got accepted into the team. Which I'm not sure I'm that happy about anymore, but oh well. 

Football. Apparently, the trick is just to keep standing up. Which I did, because Mom raised no weakling, and also because I was afraid of being embarrassed more than I was afraid of having a concussion. Which, I guess, says something about me. Good? Bad? I don't know.

Anyway. I have to hang on there at least for a couple months to gain my popularity points, and then I'll see. There's two major problems, though. One: I'm really not looking forward to spending all my free time lying in bed, all high on ibuprofen. Two: if Mom will see what I look like after training, she'll probably sue the shit out of the school, and that won't make me the most popular guy there for sure. For now I'm pretending to have the flu, so no one comes to my room, but I can't have the flu all the time till Christmas, can I?

Chapter Text

October 7, Tuesday

Okay, I had to tell Mom I'm playing football now. She is not pleased. Apparently, now she thinks that Dad was so wrong in the head because he had too many concussions when he played for his highschool team. Which I don't believe, but who would ever listen to me in this house? 

I asked Mom, why did she even marry a guy with so many concussions, if that's such a big deal. She told me to not ask stupid questions. That's it. Typical Mom. 

Anyway, the third training already felt not as brutal. Maybe my body is getting used to it, or maybe that's Stockholm syndrome. Dad told us about it once. And Mom told us that it actually doesn't exist and that's just a myth. Then they argued for, like, two hours. I kinda believe Dad more. He was still a cop back then, he was supposed to know that stuff.

I wonder what Dad would say about my becoming-a-jock arc. Would he be proud? I'd like to think he would. I'd like to think he would teach me something from his own experience and we would actually get to spend some time together. That would be cool. I know I'm not supposed to miss him, but I guess I kinda do. Sometimes.

Chapter Text

October 10, Friday

I'm writing less now. That's not because I broke both of my arms (not yet) or because I'm so exhausted after training that I can barely hold a pen (true, but not the sole reason). It's just, nothing much happens. I'm not sure if my plan is working. My classmates are still doing their best to avoid me. Leia still pretends I'm not her brother. Mom is still working, and Dad is still god knows where.

Also, I'm trying to study more, because my grades got significantly worse after I've joined the football team. I guess the stereotype about dumb jocks is not just a stereotype. You literally have no resources left to think about anything more complicated than how to make a sandwich after a training session. And I still need somewhat good grades to become a NASA astronaut one day. Which is fair, but also idk, I think they could've sometimes accepted people just because they think space is really cool. Wouldn't that be nice?

Chapter Text

October 12, Sunday

Organas came to visit today. I've spent most of the evening in my room, playing X-Wings Unlimited 3 with Biggs, but I did come down to say hello. Mom would've expressed her Severe Disappointment if I didn't.

It's not that I don't like Organas. They are nice. And it was good seeing Mom smiling and having fun for once. It's just, they are kinda boring. Leia says, that they are not, and I'm just too dumb to get it, but she is biased as hell. Organas _adore_ her, and that's mutual. She even calls them Uncle Bail and Aunt Breha, which is, in my humble opinion, kinda cringe, but whatever makes her happy, I guess.

Also, even if Leia has a point (I have 0 interest in politics and can't understand 80% of what they usually discuss), it doesn't mean she has to be so mean about it. Yeah, not everyone is gonna go into politics. The world does need different kinds of people. It totally needs astronauts. So screw you, Leia.

Anyway, since we are living in the same city now, Organas will probably visit us more often. Before it was, like, a four or five times a year. And Dad hated it. I still don't know why. Leia says, it's cause he was jealous, and I always say that it would be just weird, cause Bail Organa is clearly too in love with his own wife to even think about Mom that way. To that, Leia says that first, Dad never was the most rational guy around, and second, he was obviously jealous because he was the only adult without real degree in the room. Which, in my opinion, is even more stupid, because literally, who cares? I would rather go into the police academy, like Dad, than waste six years of my life getting a Master's degree in Political Science. And to that Leia usually says "yeah, duh, cause you're stupid", and we just start calling each other names.

Anyway, I think she is wrong. Dad was probably just bored with them too.

Guess we'll never know.

Chapter Text

October 13, Monday

I've been to my bi-weekly therapy session today, and, apparently, I've got the task wrong. It was supposed to be something called "the Mood Diary" the entire time. I feel kinda dumb now, but hey, I wasn't the one who gave unclear instructions! (Perhaps, I was the one who was distracted when listening to these instructions, but then again, is it not the therapist's job to double-check everything?) So yeah, thanks for that.

But the therapist said that if I feel like this format suits me better I am free to go on like that, it would just be nice to track my mood more clearly as well. I'm not sure whether it suits me better or not, but at this point I'm kinda used to it. And since I still don't have any friends to vent to (and I don't want to burden my old friends with all this crap), I guess I'm sticking with it.

The session itself was fine. We talked a little about my struggles in school and about my family situation. It actually feels kinda good to tell all this to a real human being, not only to paper. No offense, Diary.

I still feel weird about going to a psychotherapist, though. There's nothing wrong with me, no more than with everyone else. I've told Mom already, but she said, that actually, "everyone else" would probably benefit from being into therapy either, they are just not fortunate enough to afford it. And that it's usually the people with whom everything is wrong who never go to therapy even when they clearly need it. I've got a feeling she was talking about Dad again, but maybe I'm imagining things.

And oh yeah, the mood thing.

Mood: slightly confused about my life

Chapter Text

October 14, Tuesday

Biggs asked me today if I've met someone. I didn't want to sound like a complete loser, so I said, that yeah, Wedge Antilles from my football team is pretty cool. That made Biggs snort and choke on his cola, so I almost became responsible for my best friend's untimely demise.

Then, when the grave peril was behind him, Biggs clarified that he meant, like, a girl. Then he thought about it for two seconds and clarified again that it was totally fine if that would be a boy, too, he just didn't think I've meant it like that. And I, indeed, haven't meant it like that. Wedge is cool and all, but first, I don't even know him that well, and second, it's kinda hard to fall in love with someone who tackles your every day that hard. Unless, of course, Dad was right after all, and Stockholm syndrome exists, but I didn't want to open that can of worms with Biggs.

So, no, I didn't meet a girl, or even a boy. It's not like I'm not interested in this stuff at all. I just have no idea how you even start something like that. Not to mention, people in school are still pretending I don't exist.

I was in love just once. It was back in kindergarten, when I was five. There was a new girl in my group and from that day I've finally dropped my favourite childhood habit of eating dirt. That's how much I wanted to impress her. (Please don't ask me how I got this habit in the first place. It's a long story, but it's Leia's fault.)

Her name was Mara Jade and she had the most beautiful auburn hair I had ever seen. Which doesn't say much, because you don't meet red-haired people that often anyway. The only two other red-haired people I knew were Mom's friend Mon Mothma (not that red to begin with) and Dad's whoever-he-was Senator Palpatine (red-haired only in the old photos). But let me tell you, the five-years-old me was IMPRESSED.

What did I do when I finally had the courage to speak to her? I approached her and told her that she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life. Or something like that, I'm not sure how eloquent I was at the age of five.

Then she punched me in the face.

And I kinda fell even harder after that.

We went to different elementary schools, though, so I have no idea where she is now. Which is probably for the best. When I think about it, it all seems kinda embarrassing.

In my defense, she was really, really beautiful.

Anyway, Leia had to date for both of us. Seriously. I'm not even sure when it started. I can't remember the time when she wasn't surrounded by a crowd of admirers. I guess, she was just that cute from the beginning. It was kinda unfair, cause I think I was just as cute when I was a little kid, but for some reason Leia was everyone's favourite little princess, and I was a "pansy", or a "sissy", or just "gay". (Which, by the way, I wasn't, since I've already told you, I had a crush on a girl.) Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was eating dirt till I was five, I don't know. But that doesn't mean I didn't want to be a princess as well.

Anyway, I can't remember a time where Leia didn't have a boyfriend for longer than two weeks. Which is crazy, considering how much time she spends studying, but, I guess, when you date her, you just have to get used to the fact that you will always come second after her studies. I don't say nice things about Leia often, but that's some good priorities she has there. It is also crazy, considering how she usually talks to people (I'll tell you: VERY RUDE), but maybe all boys are secretly masochists, I don't know.

Anyway, after that conversation with Biggs I asked Leia if she had already met someone here. She told me to mind my own business, which probably meant yes. Which meant, I was the only lonely loser in the house again.

Okay, technically, there is also Mom, but she already has two kids and a failed marriage on her hands, so she's probably off the hook for quite some time. Me, though... Maybe that's how I stop being an outsider? By starting dating someone? That's actually something to think about.

Mood: lonely, but hopeful

Chapter Text

October 15, Wednesday 

The problem is, I still haven't talked to any girls in our school, not even once. So I decided to do the obvious. I asked Leia if she is dating someone from our school. She told me to mind my own business, but that probably meant no, cause I would know, right? So I asked her to fake date me.

I mean, it isn't that weird. We are still pretending we don't know each other, so why not? Leia is already on her way to become the most popular girl in school, and I'm sure she could share some of her glory with me. Right? 

Well, apparently, wrong. Honestly, in my head, the worst case scenario was her laughing at my face or getting all angry and disgusted, but she did neither. She actually looked at my with pity. Which hurt my feelings far more than all mentioned above would. I mean, yeah, sucks to be me, I guess, but honestly, that was a little too much. 

Mood: self-conscious 

Chapter Text

October 16, Thursday

The good news is, I think I'm getting a little better at football. Still not enough to be on the main team, but I hope I'm moving there. I think I'm getting more beefy as well, which IS good.

I've talked about it during dinner. Leia said I'm delusional. Mom told her not to be mean and that I do look stronger. Suck it, Leia.

Mood: love you, Mom

Chapter Text

October 20, Monday

Okay, my grades are seriously getting worse. I'm not failing math, or physics, or any other important stuff that I will need at uni, but I started to seriously suck at humanities, and Leia still doesn't let me copy her homework, which is very sick and cruel of her.

So, to start somewhere, I approached our history teacher and asked her if I can do something for extra credits. She actually agreed, so now I have to write an essay on WW2. She even named the specific literature I need to use, which is very kind of her, but also it's impossible to find on the internet, so I would have to go to the real library. Which, in our day and age, even sounds ridiculous. Also, I have no idea where the nearest library is, but that's a problem for the future me. I'll probably have enough free time only on the weekend anyway.

Jeez, that sounded depressing. Am I turning to Mom? Am I turning to Dad? Should I start rethinking my entire life? Idk

Mood: tired

Chapter Text

October 23, Thursday

So, I've met Leia's boyfriend.

It happened very much accidentally. The coach got sick (with this weather, not surprising), so today's training was cancelled. I was heading to the bus stop, when I saw Leia talking to some guy through the window of RV car he was sitting in. Which was first, just weird overall, and second, weird specifically because Leia should've already been on her way to her bi-weekly psychotherapy session.

So it wasn't like I was spying or anything, I was just reasonably curious. And yeah, maybe I should've minded my own business and not stared at them across the street, but hey, I am the older brother. Technically it's my duty to look after Leia, even though for the majority of our lives it was more like vice versa. And yeah, at some point they stopped talking and started kissing, which is also, like. Come on. If you don't want the entire street to watch you, then maybe you should both get inside.

I guess they planned to, at some point, but then Leia saw me, and it was my deer-in-the-headlights moment. For a couple of seconds, at least, cause then I've decided: screw it, and just went up to them.

And that's how I met Han Solo.

Okay, don't get me wrong. Leia has the right to date absolutely anyone, and I don't even want to know about it most of the time. Also, I know that love is sometimes very blind and makes you develop feelings for the weirdest option possible. For example, for a girl that broke your nose when you told her that she's beautiful. But honestly? I think Leia could do much better. 

First of all, I know that looks aren't everything, and everyone deserves love, and yadda yadda yadda. But Han kinda looks like a disheveled goblin, and Leia kinda looks like the most beautiful girl you can meet near our school, and you know it's true, because I would never call Leia beautiful if that wasn't an irrefutable fact that even I can't argue with. Moreover, you have to take into consideration our parents. Dad was the poster boy for his police department for years. He was in every news report, in every interview, and I think once he was even invited to be on the cover of some magazine. Mom gets asked for her number at least three times every time we go out for dinner. And maybe it's too early to think about that, but wouldn't it be such a shame, if, after all that, Leia's kids turn out to be as ugly as this dude only because of some poor decision-making in high school? I think it would. 

Secondly, and, now that I think about it, it should've come first, Han is like, ten?? years older than us. Which, on its own, is whatever, but when a girl is 17 and a guy is in his twenties, I think it's a little weird. Then again, we might have a pattern in our family, but Dad at least could legally drink when he met and married Mom, so yeah.

And also, RV? Like, no judgment here, but what situation do you need to get yourself into to live in an RV? It didn't even look nice, mind you. It looked shabby, and old, and like it would break down any moment.

It was a horrible first impression. I'd like to say it was just that: a first impression, but spoiler alert: no. It only got worse.

But before that I was all like "oh hey Leia, how nice to see you, why the hell are you not on your way to therapy by the way??", and she was all like "why are you even here, aren't you supposed to be getting your brains kicked out, or something??", and that dude was like "uh, so, care to introduce me?". So Leia rolled her eyes and said that yeah, that's Han Solo, and yeah, we were kissing, so what? oh yes, Han, meet Luke, he is my twin brother. 

To which Han said what everyone always says:

"Wait, really? You two look nothing alike."

And I know, people usually just mean that we don't look like twins, but at the same time, it always makes me self-conscious. 

Anyway. Han asked if I needed a ride. I was going to say no, but before I could even open my mouth, Leia said: 

"Oh please. Luke is a big boy, and you still need to take me to my therapy session, remember?"

And Han said:

"Come on, it won't take much time. I'm sure the therapy session can wait twenty minutes, eh?"

I was beginning to get a feeling that there was some sort of an inside joke I wasn't catching on, but anyway, at this point out of sheer stubbornness I said: 

"Yeah, sure, would be very nice of you."

Which, obviously, pissed Leia off, and that was exactly the point. 

I sat next to her, and Han began driving. The silence was a tiny bit uncomfortable. Well, okay, extremely uncomfortable. So, to make things even worse, I said:

"And when are you gonna introduce Han to Mom?"

Which, obviously, pissed Leia off even more.

And Han said: 

"Yeah, Leia, when are you gonna introduce me to Mom?"

Which, obviously, pissed Leia off EVEN more. 

"Not until you stop looking like a scruffy junkie," she said very sternly. "Which is never, I suppose."

Han grinned and said:

"Oh please, I know you would be heartbroken if I ever stop looking like a scruffy junkie."

"It's not only the looks," I said, though nobody asked me. "You kinda stink of weed too."

And they both looked at me as if I said something wrong! Was I the one smoking weed in my RV, where I, coincidentally, was hanging out with my teenage girlfriend? Was I?

Then we ran a red light and almost crashed into another car, which was kinda fun, but also could've been kinda deadly, and Leia couldn't shut up about it for the next five minutes, which killed all the joy. And then, after another sharp turn (seriously, what was it with this guy? It's not like we were going to miss a plane, or something), someone banged from inside the RV, which startled me like crazy. 

"Chill out, kid," Han said. "It's just Chewie."

So, yeah, apparently, there was also this. "Chewie". When we stopped near our house and I asked Han if I could check out how his RV looks inside, I even got a chance to meet him.

Bottom line: Han Solo was not just living in an absolutely shabby (both inside and outside, as I've found out) RV. He was living there with another dude, who was, like, two meters tall, never shaved or had a haircut in his entire life and also, couldn't say a word in English. How was Leia alright with that? I have no idea. Seriously.

In the end, Han said "take care, kid", and Leia said "I'll kill you if you tell Mom", and Chewie said something absolutely indistinguishable, and then they were gone. 

I actually contemplated telling Mom. I'm not a snitch, but first: it doesn't count when you snitch on your sibling to your parents, and second: who, in my place, wouldn't? As little as I know about all that dating stuff, it didn't look like the beginning of some great star-crossed lovers type of story. It looked like the type of story that leaves your sister heartbroken, possibly knocked up and most certainly with a drug addiction. Which, as much as I hate Leia sometimes, is a little too much even for her.

But then, I haven't had anything to blackmail Leia with for a very long time now. And I did need to fix my grades.

So — I decided to keep my silence. At least for now.

Mood: morally gray

Chapter Text

October 24, Friday

Talked to Leia about the yesterday stuff. And by "talked" I primarily mean "threatened to tell Mom about Han if she won't let me copy her homework".

But it's not like I didn't try to talk about everything else. Basically, I told her:
"Hey, I know, it's none of my business, but isn't that Han guy kinda not so good for you?"

And she said:
"You are absolutely right, Luke, it's really none of your business."

And I said:
"No, but really. Isn't he a little too old for you?"

And she said:
"No, not really. Did you forget that girls mature twice as fast as boys do?"

And I said:
"Honestly, I'm not sure if it's true."

Although I have to admit it might be a little true.

And she said:
"Mom says so too."

And I said:
"Well, then it makes her and Dad thing even weirder, no?"

And she said:
"Yeah, I guess it does."

And we just stood there in an awkward silence for a minute. And then I said:
"But anyway, what's up with that RV and that Chewie dude? Is he, like, an illegal?"

And she said:
"You know that it's racist, don't you?"

Which totally wasn't, by the way. What am I supposed to think when I see a really weird guy who can't speak a word of English and is living in an RV with some junkie? Also, I've never seen such a hairy man in my life. I'm not even sure where do they make them like that. On the North Pole, maybe?

Meanwhile, Leia said:
"Anyway, cut it. It's still none of your business."

And I said:
"Fine, whatever. I won't tell Mom as long as you let me copy your homework. Deal?"

She wasn't that angry about it, because she probably already knew that I would ask that in return for my silence. She is smart like that, you see. So she just rolled her eyes and said:
"Ugh, fine. I'm sorry you are so retarded you can't do it yourself. Be my guest."

Which, again, was very mean of her, but at least this time I kinda deserved it.

So, the good news is, my grades will probably suck less now.

The bad news is, I'll still have to write that stupid essay for my history teacher.

But hey, at least I'm not the one who's dating an ugly junkie. Happiness is a matter of perspective. Or whatever my psychotherapist usually says.

Mood: it could always be worse

Chapter Text

October 25, Saturday

I tried to go to the library today. And didn't succeed. But also I've met someone new today, which was kinda cool?

So. I've looked up where the nearest library is. Which turned out to be quite far, but whatever. And also, no bus stops nearby, but still whatever, I could walk.

And I did walk.

And kinda got lost.

It's just, the streets there were very narrow and very twisted, and also there was no one whom I could ask for directions, so I wondered around for, like, ten minutes? just going in circles.

Then a car pulled by, and the driver opened a window and asked if I was lost. Which probably means I did, indeed, look very lost and confused.

I've told him that yeah, I was looking for a library. Which is, when you think about it, something of a romantic cliché, but trust me, I had other things on my mind back then.

So this dude said that oh, he actually knows where my library is. What luck, right?

I guess, that's a good time to mention that he was looking kinda weird. Not like Chewie type of weird, because at least I couldn't see any excessive hair, but then again, I couldn't see much of anything at all. This dude had a scarf all around his face, so I could only see his eyes. Which was, admittedly, very strange, but also, it's late October, everything is cold, and wet, and depressing, and if a guy wants to hide inside a scarf, that's his right, right? We live in a free country after all.

And also, he had, you know. Kind eyes. People often say that brown eyes are the warmest, or the kindest, or whatever. Which is totally not true, because have you seen Leia? Or Mom, when she is pissed with us for not putting the dishes in the dishwasher for the umpteenth time in a row? (No offense, Mom, the rest of the time you do have very beautiful and kind eyes.) But anyway, I thought that these people were onto something after all, when I met this guy.

So when he asked if I wanted him to show me the way, I said sure, why not. So he got out of his car (down the street the road got even narrower, so I'm pretty sure he was kinda lost too, actually) and walked with me for five more minutes. In these five minutes we've exchanged, I think, seven words overall?

I said:
"I'm Luke, by the way."

And he said:
"I'm Din."

And that was it, cause I can be really shy with strangers sometimes, and so, probably, can he. Also, his voice sounded very muffled through the scarf, so maybe he was self-conscious because of that.

Anyway, he did bring me to the library. Which turned out to be closed both on Saturdays AND Sundays. Which is, first of all, baffling, because what do you mean you don't work on the weekend? Your target audience is primarily students! And second of all, why the hell wouldn't you say so on your damn website?!

Okay, I guess I know the answer to the last question. Their website looks old as hell, and, most probably, in charge of it is some poor old granny, and I don't want to give any shit to poor old grannies. I know it can be tough for old people. In the good old times, before we were forced to change the city, I remember having to help Ben with the easiest things, like, how do you set a new ringtone on your phone. And Ben wasn't even that old! (I mean, they did call him Old Ben, but Dad used to say that all the policemen age twice as fast as normal people, so it's fine. And oh wait, I think I've just solved this stupid paradox with Mom and Dad's age! Great.)

So Din said:
"I'm sorry about that. I think you will have to come on a weekday."

And I said:
"I guess I will... No, wait."

So yeah, their work hours. Guess what? The library closes at seven. And I have training till five. So there is no way I'm getting there earlier than half past six, because again, no bus stops around. Honestly, I could've just picked another library, but I didn't think about it then, and probably sounded very, very upset about the entire deal, when I told all this to Din.

He asked me which high school I go to.

Sidenote: I really hope Mom will never read this diary. Cause not telling strangers where you live or what school you're going to is, like, the first rule she and Dad taught us. And I kinda broke it without even thinking about it.

And then Din told me that since he lives around here AND since around five he has to pick "the child" from a kindergarten that isn't far from my school, he could give me a ride. And yes, he actually said "the child". No names, no "my child" at least. Just "the child". I have no idea why he speaks like that. As I said, he's a little weird.

Anyway, you know what is the rule zero Mom and Dad taught us? It's to never get in a stranger's car. So guess what I answered?

"Wow, really? That's so nice of you!"

I'm sorry, Mom. I will do better one day.

Then Din asked if I wanted a ride home. And, you guessed it, my answer was the same.

And look, I'm still alive, not drugged and totally unmolested. I guess the world is a better place than Mom and Dad tend to think.

Din's car was nice, by the way. A little old, but after the horrors of Han's RV I think I would take any option that doesn't stink of weed and has no inarticulate hairy dudes living in it.

Oh, and he also had a child safety seat in the back, so his story is at least somewhat credible.

I got a little more talkative on the way back. By which I mean I told Din aaaall about Han's crazy RV. And how happy I was that his car doesn't stink of weed. I don't know, I just hate the smell.

Din said that he doesn't smoke or drink at all. Which is cool, cause neither do I. But then again, I'm 17, and he? I had no idea. So I asked. He said he is 23. And obviously I have no way to verify it, cause I still haven't seen his face. I didn't ask about that, cause I thought that might be rude. But anyway, you know what? I believe him. I know that no one in my family would agree with me, but you just feel better when you think that people are a priory nice and honest and the world is a good place to live in.

So, yeah. We decided to do it on Tuesday, cause on Monday I have my therapy session. (I didn't tell Din that, I still feel kinda embarrassed about having to go there. I've just said that I have too much homework on Monday. Which isn't even a lie, it's just that Leia will do all of it anyway.)

And... I'm kinda looking forward to Tuesday now? Don't judge me, I just feel very lonely here.

Mood: hopeful?

Chapter Text

October 27, Monday

Went to my therapist today. He had finally asked what I really hoped he would never ask, though of course I knew he would eventually. He asked me if I wanted to talk about the stuff with Dad.

And I didn't, not really. First of all, if we talk about the part that was in the newspapers, I wouldn't tell him or you anything new. Everybody knows about it already, and what everybody doesn't know, I don't know either. I wasn't there. And Dad, obviously, didn't have a chance to talk to us about it. 

Okay, technically he did, but he was too busy choking Mom, so yeah, here you go. 

And the second part that I've just mentioned? I don't have even the slightest desire to talk about it. Even here.

I don't think I've talked about it with anyone at all. Mom is obviously not gonna bring it up, and I'm obviously not gonna bring it up to her either. I know that I'm not as smart as Leia or not as "emotionally mature" as Mom wants me to be, but I know that you are not supposed to talk to people about the bad stuff that happened to them, unless they bring it up first. And Leia is too busy pretending that we never had a father at all, which is good for her, I guess, but also? That's kinda childish, and hey, this is the unhealthy denial everyone was talking about, I think. 

Anyway, I said no.

To his credit, the therapist didn't try to press me or anything. He just asked me if I wanted to talk about anything else then. And when I was heading there, I kinda wanted to talk about Din, because it's about the most exciting thing that happened to me since we've moved, but at this point I wasn't in the mood for it either. 

So we just sat in an awkward silence for a minute. And then I just kinda started spilling things out.

Don't get me wrong, technically, I still haven't talked about Dad. I was just babbling about how tired I am of this city, and how much it sucks that no one in my class talks to me still, and how Leia is always such an asshole, and how Mom is never home, and even when she is, she is too tired to really spend time with us, and how much I miss everything we had back there, and how I just want things to go back to the way they were, and how sometimes I just want my Dad back, and how guilty I feel about it, because after all that happened, that must mean I don't care about Mom at all, but I'm just so tired of everyone pretending that he never even existed. 

And, admittedly, I got a little teary at the end. Which I'm not supposed to be ashamed of, because it's apparently very unhealthy to bottle up your emotions. So, don't you dare judge me. Cause I won't care anyway. 

And, also admittedly, it was a lot to unpack, but my therapist kinda did his best, so thanks for that. I actually felt a little better after venting like this. Maybe you really are not supposed to bottle up your, eh, emotions. 

Oh, and also, apparently I'm not supposed to feel guilty about my emotions no matter what they are. Cause you can't control them and stuff. Which is a huge relief. But I still kinda do.

Mood: honestly, I don't even know anymore