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"Okay, Starman. Let's cut to the chase. Hugo's dad is a DICK!!!!" The fun-sized jester began his presentation. He was standing in front of a big whiteboard, with various... interesting drawings on it. The aforementioned Starman was sitting on the floor with a notepad. He nodded, indicating Marx to proceed.
"So, here's what we're gonna do! We're gonna lead him to this totally not suspicious corner behind the fuckass king's castle, and then we shoot him square in the head 98 times! Sounds like a good plan, huh?"
Starman stayed silent. "Wouldn't Hugo be... quite displeased if we got rid of his dad?"
Marx scoffed. "Of fucking course he would. But he makes Hugo do child labor! He'll get over it..." Starman sighed, unamused. "Come ooooon! If we kill him you'll get to kiss Hugo all you want--"
"We are nothing more than close friends. End of case." he cut Marx off, flustered. The jester flashed an absolute shit-eating grin before continuing.
"Believe whatever you want to. Listen, you want your little boyfriend to stop working a minimum wage job for his dad or not? Actually, does he even get paid?"
"I suppose you're right; It's worth a shot. How will we even get him to the alley, though?"
"I have a very simple plan!"
An uncomfortably long pause transcurred between the two.
Starman did whatever could be classified as facepalming. He. Palmed or whatever.
"Let's just put money there. He's homophobic, he'll smell it right away." Marx blurted.
"...How does being homophobic relate to this?"
"What do politicians want? Money. What are politicians? Homophobic. He works for the king so technically he's a politician."
Starman sighed once again. "This is all for Hugo. If he gets mad at us after this I am blaming it on you."
The day of the murder-- I mean getting Hugo out of his minimum wage job had arrived. Marx and Starman put very conveniently placed money in a very conveniently placed corner behind the castle. Nothing could go wrong!
Poppy Bros Sr. was entering the castle near that corner when he very conveniently noticed that money. A very convenient situation! And just as predicted, his body gravitated naturally towards the money. Because he's homophobic.
Marx and Starman were waiting... in plain sight next to the castle. Odd how nobody noticed them holding really big guns. But seems Nova was in their favor today! All they needed was the perfect moment...
The second he turned around, they shot. A lot. How many bullets could they have in there? Nobody knows. Why couldn't anyone hear them?? Nobody knows. But they shot more than enough to leave Poppy Bros Sr. dead on the floor. There wasn't even any blood or anything, it was uncanny...
"See? He's homophobic! He doesn't have a heart or a soul!" Marx grinned as he attempted to pick up the corpse.
"...I think that's a little too far." Starman mumbled, shoving him in a bag. A frightened Waddle Dee stared right at them, Marx shooting them a glare that said "you tell NOBODY about this or you're next".
"You WHAT?????"
Hugo yelled with his jaw hitting the floor.
"Now, I know this sounds bad, but--" Starman tried to explain himself in a way that didn't sound terrible, but was cut off quickly by the bite-sized piece of shit clown.
"Your dad was a piece of shit. We did the right thing. Riiiight, Starman??" He blinked innocently, hiding the jackass he is.
Hugo still hadn't recovered from his shock (and he isn't going to for the next 8 years) and Starman attempted to apologize again, but before he could begin, guess what little FUCKER
Okay maybe I should stop insulting him so much this isn't funny anymore.
Marx cut him off again before he could even start. "When the HELL are you two kissing already?? It'll at least be more entertaining than watching you gayasses try to mend your relationship talking or whatever."
Hugo and Starman looked at eachother and then back at Marx, who started walking away to. Do more mischief man I don't fucking know.
"So... do we hear him out?" Hugo quietly asked.
"...I mean if you want."
And then, their... "lips" (at least Hugo has them) touched. For a moment, it felt like all their worries washed away... or something like that. They embraced eachother passionately, neither of them wanting to let go of each other ever again. I mean, it meant that Starman didn't have to face criminal charges. And it meant that Hugo could stay with Starman. Even if now Hugo's fatherless.
"So why did you kill my dad." Hugo mumbled, still entranced in the kiss.
"It's okay, didn't he force you to do child labor or something?" Starman retorted, and both of them fell to the ground.
Marx very conveniently walked in at that moment.
"I was right! Fucking gayasses!" he yelled and immediately walked back out.
That day was really fucking weird, but it's okay. Because at least they had each other.
Wait, how exactly were they kissing if Starman doesn't have a mouth?