Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter 1

If anyone asked, Dr Spencer Reid was on sabbatical. Only the BAU and his superiors knew he wasn't. He along with SSA Matt Simmons were on assignment in Boston. They were trying to take down a trafficking ring that had been linked to hundreds of murders over the last 5 years but the organised crime, sex crimes and CAC units were at their wits end and were nowhere near taking them down, in no small part due to the pandemic. Whatever it was it ran deep Spencer thought to himself when they were first briefed on it. Because of the nature of the case, he was going to be working in Harvard, to keep a low profile. along with his former teammate Dr. Alex Blake, under the guise of him being retired. He was glad to see a familiar face. They had stayed in touch of course, but between prison, his mom and recovering from a traumatic brain injury they hadn't spoken nearly as much as he liked. Simmons was in charge of the informants and together they would investigate any leads.

If he was honest he needed the change. After his mom's funeral he couldn't bring himself to just carry on like things were normal. He loved the team, his family but he just couldn't bring himself to deal with the pity in their eyes, the constant “are you okay’s?” It made him feel even worse. He walked to Alex's office. He knocked on the door and was told to enter. Alex Blake looked like she hadn't aged a day apart from a few more grey streaks in her hair. She smiled widely. He also noticed they weren't alone. There was someone else. They sat in one of the chairs opposite to Alex's desk. They wore a black graphic band shirt (Blondie), black wide leg jeans with chains on and a black oversized hoodie.

They had shaggy chestnut brown hair not too dissimilar to the kind of hair he had a decade ago, before he had given up on taming his curls. They had dark circles that contrasted their green eyes and though they were sitting they seemed rather tall and lanky.

“Spencer.” Alex greeted. Standing up and gesturing to sit in the vacant chair.

“I’d like to introduce you to your TA Dr. Jordan Maddox. She’ll be working on her thesis on criminal psychology so she’ll be running point with you.”

Jordan didn't look any older than 18, he thought to himself. And there was something distinctly genderless about her at first glance you couldn't tell if she was a boy or a girl. As if she sensed this she spoke promptly.

“I’m 17, I hold a Ph.D in linguistics with a specialisation on forensic linguistics like Alex here. And I'm aware my gender isn't overtly obvious but I don't really care about it.”

Spencer noticed Alex give a knowing smirk, like she’d been looking forward to this all week. He also noted her thick Boston accent which was slightly unusual for her generation. Regional accents had become more homogenised, due to the rise of the internet and other factors. But he supposed she hadn't had much interactions with her peers and more with adults that had those accents to begin with. Her voice was also distinctly genderless, if you heard her on the phone you wouldn't be able to tell what gender she was. 

“Oh, and since we’re technically colleagues, as well as student and mentor you should call me J.D., Dr Maddox makes me feel all embarrassed.”

She finished blushing slightly, Spencer felt a warm feeling settle in his chest. It was kind of like looking in a mirror. He'd never really thought about mentoring anyone. (Hell he felt like he still needed mentoring) but he immediately took to the idea. He wondered if this was how Gideon felt when he met him.

“No need to feel embarrassed J.D you worked your ass off to get that Ph.D.” Alex said encouragingly.

J.D gave a smile not quite reaching her eyes.

“Yeah, but it feels so formal, Alex.” she chuckled.

“Yeah, well I can't argue with you there.” Alex replied.

Then J.D turned to Spencer. Eyes glinting with curiosity.

“Alex told me you play chess, right? 

“Yeah I do, maybe whenever we have free time we’ll play.” He invited.

She smiled and this time it reached her eyes.

“Brilliant. Alex tells me you're amazing at it and I've been looking for someone who can beat me.” She said rapidly.

As Spencer was about to answer J.D’s phone chimed.

“Oh fuck! I gotta go. I have to talk one of the students I’m tutoring off the ledge.”

She got up and grabbed her messenger bag and made a beeline to the door but not before turning to look at him and asked.

“Oh, sorry I forgot to ask, do I call you Spencer or Dr Reid?

He turned to look at her. Now that she was standing he was sure that she wasn't much shorter than him.

He smiled. “Spencer is just fine J.D, I look forward to working with you.

She returned the smile and said, “Likewise, Spencer.” Before running out the door.

Once the door was shut he turned to Alex who was smiling brightly at him.

“So? What do you think about her?” She asked, head resting on her clasped hands.

Spencer gave a sigh. “How have you managed to hide her from the bureau? She is exactly what they’d want.”

Her eyes darted slightly and her blink rate sped up and that was all Spencer needed to know.

“J.D will be helping you in this assignment as well as working on her thesis. She is already aware of this.” Alex said.

“Listen…” Spencer started. “I know she seems extremely competent and perceptive but she's only 17. I don't feel comfortable putting her in a potentially volatile and dangerous situation.”

Alex sighed. “As much as I agree with you Spencer, it's out of my hands. And besides J.D has been through more than her fair share of volatile situations. You need someone familiar with the square and she knows that place better than anyone.”

Spencer didn't feel better about the fact that J.D had already seemingly gone through a lot even though she was only 17. But if her involvement was out of his control then he would make sure she would be protected.

“Oh and to answer your question Spencer, not only do the bureau want her but so do the CIA and the NSA.” Alex replied.

Spencer let out a low whistle. He felt a huge wave of deja vu hit him like a tsunami. After all it had been the exact same for him.

“And to answer your question Alex, I like her a lot. I never gave much thought to mentoring but seeing her has made me excited at the prospect.” He confessed.

Alex’s smile returned. “I was hoping you’d say that. Now that's out of the way, it's time to catch up.” She declared as she unclasped her hands and put them on the table.

Chapter Text

Chapter 2

It had been less than two weeks since they had met each other J.D was working on her thesis for her criminal psychology Ph.D in Spencer's office. They hadn't gotten the chance to talk all that much because of her schedule. Between working on her thesis, taking care of Kaleb, TA duties and tutoring she was pretty busy.

She was taking a break re-reading war and peace when she'd heard a knock at the door. It wasn't Spencer, she deduced. It was his office and usually he would just walk in. It was tentative, she also heard two distinct knocks one lower down on the door. She smiled.

“Come in Leo, Kaleb.” She called out. 

The door opened and sure enough it was them. Kaleb ran up to her, she managed to put her book down before he slammed into her. Leo hung back and smirked at the display in front of him.

“I’ve missed you Mom.” Kaleb muffled into J.D’s radiohead shirt.

J.D felt her heart swell even though she had been working nonstop Kaleb had never been too far from her mind. She picked him up and rested him on her lap.

“I've missed you more.” she replied, as they cuddled.

Leo chuckled softly, looking at the two of them.

“You saw each other this morning.” He remarked. 

“Yeah well, it's hard being away from him. She said as she nuzzled her face in Kaleb’s freshly cut hair.

She looked up to meet her son’s eyes. They were green just like hers.

“I love your haircut, you look so handsome.” She spoke gently to him.

Kaleb’s hair had gotten far too long for his liking. So Leo, J.D’s best friend and Kaleb's godfather took him to the barbers for the first time. Usually J.D would cut his hair but she was too busy with both TA paperwork and her thesis so Leo took him. 

“I wanted to look just like you mommy.” He said, and J.D felt her heart nearly burst out her chest. Sometimes it would take her by surprise just how much she loved him.

“Want me to read to you?” She asked.

Leo huffed a laugh. “Shouldn't you be working?” He said.

J.D shot him a look. “I think I'm finished for today anyway, I just need to send off some admin.”

Kaleb bounced a little on her lap. “Can you recite ‘murder on the orient express’, please.”

J.D smiled warmly at him. “Since you asked so nicely, yes.”

Before she could start, Leo looked around the office. “Where is your boss?”

“Oh, Spencer is in a meeting with Alex, but he'll be back soon.” She answered quickly, before turning to Kaleb giving him; her undivided attention.

“Now where were we?” She said sweetly.

5 minutes later, Spencer walked into his office after having a meeting with Alex. She had wanted to know how he was settling in. He was met with J.D holding a boy, who looked no older than five. She was sweetly stroking his hair, that had been cut in the same style as hers and she was reciting…

“Are you reciting ‘murder on the orient express’? 

J.D and the boy lifted their heads up to face Spencer. The boy looked like a carbon copy of J.D.. There was someone else in the room. He was sitting in front of the desk opposite J.D. 

He looked around the same age as J.D. and had curly brown hair that sat tightly on his head, with the sides of his hair cut close to his scalp in a fade. He had olive skin and brown eyes and wore a plain white t-shirt, navy low rise baggy jeans and a red hoodie with matching converses. 

J.D laughed. “Well he asked so nicely.” She replied, before going to kiss the boy’s scalp.

When Spencer had left J.D she had been working diligently on her thesis, a furrow in her brow indicating she was stressed. He was happy to see her looking much more relaxed. She had been non-stop, always rushing from one place to another.

“Are you mommy’s boss?" The boy asked.

Spencer looked at him and to J.D and moved across the room to sit on the desk.

“Yes I am.” He said gently. “What's your name?”

“Kaleb.” The boy replied. He pressed himself further into J.D.

J.D stroked his hair. “It's okay Spencer won't bite.”

Kaleb looked up at her eyes wide. “Leo said strangers can bite.” He said in a small voice.

“Leo!” J.D growled.

The other boy, Leo, raised his hands in mock surrender.

“Hey someone has to teach him about stranger danger, I mean he kept saying hi to everyone at the barber shop.” He said defensively.

J.D resumed stroking his hair. “Leo was messing with you. So long as mommy knows them you can talk to people you don't know. Okay?” She said gently, before shooting Leo a look that read ‘we’ll talk about this later.’

Spencer did not envy Leo. He looked back at Kaleb and asked.

“How old are you?” 

Kaleb looked at him less apprehensive now.

“I'm 5 years old.”

Spencer felt an ice block settle in his stomach. J.D would've given birth at 12 and suddenly a lot of things about her all made sense. She could come off as slightly standoffish and guarded when talking to people she didn't know, especially men. He had seen it last week when one of his students was playfully flirting with her. She’d flinch if people were too close to her and her style was as if she wanted to hide her body. All those signs pointed to child sexual abuse and Kaleb was the final piece in the puzzle. Then he remembered what Alex had said when he and J.D had first met. “J.D has been through her fair share of volatile situations.”

Spencer was pulled out of his thoughts by a rumbling coming from Kaleb's stomach.

J.D looked down to him. “You hungry kiddo?” She asked.

He nodded. J.D gave a sharp look to Leo.

Leo scrambled to explain himself. “He wouldn't eat until he saw you, and you know what he's like. He's even more stubborn than you.”

She side-eyed him and then focused all her attention on Kaleb.

“Why don't you go with Leo to the canteen, I just need to finish off some admin and we can all go home together. Okay?” She said, and Spencer noted how sweet and tender she was to him. Many people around Harvard found her intimidating so it was nice to see a softer side to her.

Kaleb nodded and slid off J.D’s lap, walking out hand in hand with Leo. As the door shut J.D looked at Spencer.

“I take it you have a few questions. I'll be glad to answer them to the best of my ability.” She said, there was a trace of weariness in her voice. Like she was ready to get this over with.

Spencer didn't really know where to start, so he went for the first question in his mind.

“Who is Kaleb’s father?”

J.D answered promptly like she was giving a formal presentation. But Spencer noted her green eyes cloud over slightly.

“His name is Philip Robins, he was my foster dad, he's currently serving life imprisonment without the possibility of parole for, assault, indecent assault, manufacturing and distributing harmful content involving a minor, manufacturing and distributing indecent content involving a minor, aggravated child molestation, grievous bodily harm, child abuse, rape, murder and attempted murder.”

Spencer let out a sigh before, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Fuck.” He uttered.

J.D let out a small laugh. “Yeah, ‘fuck’. Foster care is a bitch.” 

That raised some more questions.

“How'd you end up in foster care?”

J.D shifted slightly. “My dad was a meth head and to pay for his little habit, he'd pimp my mom out. Then when things all came to a head he blew my mom's brains out in front of me using the shotgun that was in the crack house we lived in. I was five.”

When people who didn't know J.D looked at her, they saw a 17 year-old androgynous presenting, Ph.D graduate, who was currently working on her 2nd Ph.D. But Spencer was now seeing a 17 year old mother, who was robbed of her childhood, her girlhood and was much older mentally due to the experiences she’d endured. 

“How'd you meet Leo? You seem to trust him a lot.” He asked.

J.D gave a fond smile, though it didn't quite reach her eyes. “We were in a foster home together. I was 7 and he was 9. Our carer was a mean old bitch who liked to beat us and put us in cages, her favourite punishment. Not to mention she was a catholic religious nut, who didn't take kindly to my mother being a quote unquote ‘whore’.” She chuckled bitterly before carrying on.

“Leo and I were the oldest, there were 5 of us kids, the youngest was 3 and it was our job to protect them. When we got moved, when I was 8 we lost touch and then I lived with the Robins’.” She finished.

“How’d you two meet again?” He asked.

“When I gave birth to Kaleb. I was on my way home from community college, in a snow storm when I went into labour. To cut a long story short if he hadn't found me I would've bled out in an alleyway, in the snow with a screaming newborn. We kept in touch after Mr and Mrs Robins were put on trial and when my next foster placement sucked as well, we ran away with Kaleb to live on the streets.”

Spencer knew that J.D had to have gone through her own ordeals but he never expected this. What really seemed to hurt was how nonchalant she was when recounting this. Like they were just discussing what to eat for dinner.

“All Alex told me was that you had been through your ‘fair share of volatile situations’.” Spencer said, trying and failing to put the surprise out of his voice.

J.D chuckled softly. “Yeah she wanted me to chat with you on my own terms. And since we are going to be working together, you need to know I'm not some inexperienced 17 year old. You and I will be partners in this whether you like it or not.”

Spencer felt guilt bubble up in his chest, he was so resolute on protecting her, he hadn't considered her agency or what she wanted.

J.D sensed his guilt and took a deep sigh.

“I'm not saying I don't want to learn from you. I really do, but for this to work learning needs to be mutual. I learn from you, you learn from me. And we’ll always call each other out on our bullshit.” She said, matter of factly.

“Do we have a deal, Spencer?” She asked.

Spencer looked at her green eyes. He realised the J.D may be physically 17 but in many ways she was older and wiser than him. She was right. For this to work they needed to be equals.

He smiled, excited at this prospect. “Deal.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 3

After her conversation with Spencer, J.D finished up her admin and met up with Leo and Kaleb to go home, as promised. Even though she had only given Spencer the bare facts, she felt raw and drained. She was holding down violent waves of nausea as she drove home. She kept up a stream of conversation with Kaleb, who was telling her all about what the barber shop was like. Leo chiming in when needed. She felt his eyes on her and the concern emanating off him. It was 6pm by the time they pulled in her apartment, Leo lived just down the hall. ‘Just keep it together.’ J.D thought to herself. ‘Just until Kaleb is asleep.’

They all snuggled on her couch to a nature documentary, when time seemed to lapse for her. By the time she had come back to herself, Leo was looking at her, concern etched on his face. She looked around seeing Kaleb was gone and panic threatened to suffocate her before Leo interrupted her thoughts.

“It's okay he's asleep. I told him you were asleep with your eyes open.” He placated her.

She felt relief wash over her but it was quickly replaced by the nausea that had threatened to come out since her conversation with Spencer. She made a beeline for the toilet making it just in time. Emptying what little contents was in her stomach. She flinched slightly as she felt Leo hold her hair back. She felt Philip pin her down, thrusting, ripping and tearing her from the inside out. His breath on her like poison coursing through her veins. As she dryheaved more and more. She felt him rip her daughter out of her as he filmed it for people in chat rooms. Killing her in front of J.D as she begged him to stop. She kept dry heaving more and more, vaguely aware of Leo behind her, until she passed out.

Leo managed to catch J.D, moving her head gently on his lap. He hated feeling so useless when watching his best friend in pain. Watching her sob silently as she vomited. Quietly begging for it all to stop, shattered his heart. He didn't have to wonder who she was begging. Philip Robins. That bastard. For 4 years she’d had to endure alone, being raped, tortured, beaten and displayed to other sick bastards in the internet getting off on her suffering. And he wasn't there. 

He still remembered so clearly the day he saw J.D again. Long gone was the quiet and brilliant girl obsessed with Mama Mia and Agatha Christie books, who protected the other children by stealing food and taking beatings and punishments for them. 

He had been walking to the group home he lived in at the time. He was trudging through, snow cascading all around him. When he heard a baby wailing at the top of their lungs. It was so loud it tuned out the roaring wind that had accompanied the snow storm. He followed the sound to be met with by far the worst thing he had ever seen. J.D bleeding out cradling a baby that was bundled in her winter jacket. Even on the brink of death she was still caring for others. He’d know her anywhere with those green eyes. Her lips were blue, her eyes were half open, light fading from her fast, but the thing that really haunted him was the ghost of a smile on her face. To this day he never asked why she was smiling, maybe because he was afraid of the answer.

He fumbled for his phone, a shitty, old piece of junk but it did the job and dialed 9-1-1. He explained the situation to the operator, they had asked him to check her pulse. Leo hadn't even thought of that. What if he was too late? He put two fingers to her neck. It was slow, barely there. But it was there. He wasn't stupid though, he knew the odds of her surviving. He remembered J.D telling him when they were little that cold and hypothermia slow down the body's clotting process. He tried to shake her awake, begging to a God he hadn't prayed to in years to not take her. J.D was so young. She had suffered so much. Let her live. She stirred slightly, eyes fluttering to look through him.

“Мамо, я хочу залишитися з тобою.” (Momma, I want to stay with you.) she whispered, so quietly that Leo almost didn't hear her over the wind and a crying Kaleb. 

Leo felt his heart dissolve in his chest. Through their time together in the foster home he’d picked up some Ukrainian from J.D.. Her mother was Ukrainian and so she spoke it fluently. 

“J.D! Hey. It's me Leo. Don't you dare go into that light. Okay?” 

He all but screamed into his phone. “Where is that damn ambulance!”

“Just two minutes out, it was on route back to the hospital, due to the weather, but they were closer to you.” The operator said, voice deeply empathetic.

He looked back at J.D whose eyes became slightly less clouded. “You hear that J.D, they’re almost here. Just hold out a little longer.” He said, trying to get some reaction out of her.

He leaned in close hoping to hear an answer from her.

“Tired.” Was all she could manage to say.

He heard the sirens, she was so close.

“I know you're tired but you have to stay awake. Okay?”

J.D blinked slowly, recognition flickering in her green eyes. 

“Leo?” she whispered.

Leo felt tears pour down his cheeks. 

“Yes J.D it's me. I'm here and I'm never leaving again.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 4

Leo forcibly drew himself back to the present. He didn't want to think about what happened after. He didn't want to think about how J.D coded in the ambulance. EMT’s shocking her lifeless body in an attempt to get her heart to restart. Or them trying to warm up Kaleb, who was still slightly cold, whilst he screamed for his mother. He especially didn't want to think about the scars that was on every inch of her exposed skin, some healed, some fresh.

Instead he focused on J.D in the present. Unconscious but very much alive, head resting on his lap. He looked down to her brushing the hairs that clung to her clammy forehead. And waited. For her to come back to herself, to Kaleb, to him.

J.D felt like she was aware of everything and nothing. Everything felt so close yet so distant. It had been a while since she'd felt like this, usually she’d keep busy in order to prevent being trapped in her mind. But she supposed she couldn't run forever.  

In what felt like an eternity, or she supposed no time at all. She was walking home from community college. Snow hitting her like bullets on skin. She wondered if she was just slow enough she'd get trapped in the snow and she wouldn't have to go home. Maybe find some shelter. She felt a strong painful contraction. J.D had been feeling them all week, but the last two days they came closer and closer. More painful each time. 

Looking back she supposed, she should've been more prepared. But after losing 4 children through miscarriage, stillbirths and in one case murder, she hadn't had any expectations. She was surprised she made it to 36 weeks to begin with and she was even more surprised as to how she managed to hide it from almost everyone.

The pain was getting closer together, so she ducked into an alleyway for some privacy. Her water had broken and the labour was fast. She took off her pants and underwear to be met with blood gushing out of her. She grabbed her backpack. She knew she had scissors somewhere and she was running out of time she could already feel the head. ‘At least he wasn't breach.’ J.D thought, trying to look on the bright side. She had found the scissors just in time as the rest of the body came out of her. She cut the umbilical cord and tied it off. Peeled off her winter jacket and scarf and wrapped her son up. Her son. Her Kaleb. She rubbed his sternum trying to get a response from him. 

“Please no I can't lose another. Lord don't take him, I beg.” J.D prayed. She might not be saved or was worth saving but this child. Her son was.

Her prayers were answered when her son let out the loudest wail. It was the best thing she'd ever heard. J.D rocked him gently singing to him.

“My baby, my baby.

You're my baby, say it to me.

Baby, My baby, tell your baby.

That I'm your baby.

I bet on losing dogs.

I know they're losing, 

and I pay for my place.

By the ring. 

Where I'll be looking in their eyes., 

when they're down.

I'll be there on their side.

I'm losing by their side.”

She hummed the instrumental as Kaleb quietened down. The adrenaline from giving birth was wearing off. With the last remainder of her consciousness she finished the song. J.D refused to let Kaleb be scared. Taking all her effort, getting tired and weaker with each verse, she kept singing. Blood staining the white snow.

“Would you let me, Baby,

Lose on losing dogs.

I know they’re losing, 

and I pay for my place.

By the ring.

Where I'll be looking in their eyes,

When they're down.

I wanna feel it.

I bet on losing dogs.

I always want you when I'm finally fine.

How you'd be?

Over me looking in my eyes,

When I come, 

someone to watch me die.

Someone to watch me die.

I bet on losing dogs.”

She smiled to herself, at least her baby was warm. She did at least one thing right. She could finally die.

Though her body felt so cold, she felt a warmth not too far from her. She felt herself being drawn to it. When she heard a gentle but forceful voice pull her back from the light.

“Ні, дочко моя, ти мусиш боротися. Ти мусиш вижити.” (No, my daughter, you must fight. You must survive.) J.D heard her mother say. Her voice sounded like it was where the warm light was.

“Мамо, я хочу залишитися з тобою.” (Momma, I want to stay with you.) She said. She was so tired of fighting. Of clinging to a life that had never really wanted her. That only caused her pain. J.D wanted it to end. She just wanted her mom.

She was vaguely aware of someone in front of her. ‘Oh, well at least her son would get help.’ She heard another voice. It wasn't her mom, it was a guy. She recognised the voice but she couldn't place it. J.D heard the tail-end of the sentence. 

“Don't you dare go into that light.” He said.

“Тобі слід його слухати, люба.” (You should listen to him, dear.) Her mom said.

J.D was so tired but in the distance, she heard her son screaming. She couldn't leave him. Her mom was never given that choice, but she was. She wouldn't give up. She’d fight until she couldn't fight anymore.

She looked at the figure standing in front of her. It was hazy. Her mind felt so sluggish and slow.

“Tired.” Was all J.D could say.

The figure looked clearer and so familiar. She heard what she thought were sirens. And then his voice was clear as day.

“I know you're tired but you have to stay awake. Okay?” All the pieces clicked in her slugging and tired brain. He looked older, his voice was deeper. But those brown eyes had a quality in them that she'd know anywhere.

“Leo?” She called out.

She noticed he was crying.

“Yes J.D it's me. I'm here and I'm never leaving again.” Leo said.

And it was true. He never left her, he was always there when she needed him, and more importantly when she wanted him. No matter how bad things got, how many violent flashbacks, dissociative states and nightmares. He was there.

She felt her body and mind reconnect. Awareness came back to her in stages. First was touch. She felt her body lying horizontally, propped up on a knee, someone gently stroking her hair. Then it was sound. She heard her own breathing, and somebody else’s. She panicked slightly, the stroking of her hair stalled a little. Then she heard Leo’s voice.

“Shhhh. J.D. It's okay. I’ve got you. I’m here and not going anywhere.” He soothed, resuming stroking her hair.

Smell was next, J.D could smell his cologne, there was a subtle spice to it. When first he picked it out, he'd joked about how it agreed with his Cuban blood. She could smell the sickly sour smell of vomit that permeated through the air. She chose to focus more on Leo’s cologne, anchoring her, she opened her eyes but she couldn't see.

She blinked hoping it would clear the darkness but it didn't. She felt panic rise into a pained sound that came from out her throat. Then Leo bounced his knee rocking her head.

“It’s gonna be okay J.D. It's just gonna take some time for you to see. You're doing so well.”

And then, after some time, her sight came back to her in stages. First was shape, then colour and finally light. Once all present, everything swam into focus. She was met with Leo's eyes, wet with tears but smiling.

With her sight came her voice.

“Thank you.” She whispered.

“What for?” Leo said, brow furrowed in curiosity.

“For saving me.”

Leo didn't feel like he needed thanks, but the guilt in his heart lessened. If only a little. He looked into those green eyes and said.

“Thank you for staying.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 5

They stayed that way for 10 minutes. Leo wanted to make sure J.D didn't slip back into herself. He kept stroking her hair grounding her.

“Can you stand?” Leo asked.

J.D thought about it, normally she could but vomiting had left her completely drained. She really didn’t think she could walk and she felt ashamed. ‘I mean seriously. What's wrong with me?’ She thought to herself.

Leo searched J.D’s eyes. He already knew the answer. But he would wait for her to tell him what she needed. He put his hand on her forehead. She was burning up.

“You have a fever.” He said plainly.

J.D groaned. ‘Of course I've given myself a psychogenic fever.’ she thought. She supposed, she shouldn't make things worse by being stubborn.

“I can't walk.’ she choked out. Leo would know what she meant. It was taking all her effort to admit that she couldn't even stand.

Leo looked up at the bathroom ceiling feeling the weight of J.D’s words. ‘Things must be bad for her to admit she needed to be carried.’ He thought to himself. She was too exhausted to be stubborn.

In one fluid motion Leo got up and carried J.D., in a bridal carry. Leo noted how light she was. A conversation they would have later. And carried her to her bedroom.

J.D rarely spent time in bed. Not if she could avoid it. Her room was lined wall to wall with books and vinyls with the only gaps being where her closet, her chest of drawers and the TV were. She’d always wanted a TV in her room. So much so it was one of the first things she got when her first paycheck came in. The walls were a muted dark green with fake plants adorning the bookshelves. There was one shelf that was directly above her bed and housed her prized possessions. Her mother's complete Agatha Christie hard back collection, that had all her annotations. Her mother's locket depicting St Jude and finally her mother’s stolen blockbuster VHS of Mama Mia! Her desk was adjacent to her bed where the window was. With a record player, radio, laptop and violin she had fixed up herself from her time on the streets. Next to her desk was a chair that turned into a futon bed, where Leo slept when she had a bad night.

Leo lowered her gently on the bed.

“Do you have the energy to get changed?” he asked

J.D nodded, she didn't feel great but she wasn't going to sleep in jeans and her Radiohead shirt that was damp with sweat and vaguely smelled of vomit. She rifled through her bedside table for some shorts and her Bruins Jersey. Her self designated pajamas, that she kept when she was actually planning to sleep.

Leo moved to the doorway giving her her privacy.

“Call me when you're done.” He said as he left the room.

She changed quickly, as to not allow her body to realise what was happening and fail her. When she was done she felt even more weak from the exhaustion.

She felt too tired to speak.

Leo was filling up a water bottle whilst he waited for J.D to finish changing. He resolved to knock and check on her when he was done filling it up. He learned that tylenol wouldn't work on this kind of fever; only rest could help. Once the bottle was filled he grabbed the thermometer from the bathroom cabinet and, with much debate he grabbed the sleeping pills she was prescribed and knocked on J.D’s door.  

“J.D, knock once if I can come in.”

He heard a faint knock and waited to hear if there was another. After being certain there was one knock he came in. He was met with J.D lying in the bed with a cooling weighted blanket on her as her breathing was laboured and feverish. He put the water bottle on her bedside table and walked to her checking her temperature.

“105.4°F.” He sighed, reading the number on the digital thermometer.

“It's been worse.” J.D croaked weakly.

“Shhh, don't try to speak J.D.” He said.

J.D caught sight of the pill bottle in Leo’s other hand and she felt tears in her eyes. She never used them, not if she could help it. In fact she avoided medication in general; it took ages for Leo to get her to take tylenol and ibuprofen. She knew it wasn't rational and that having an addict for a father made her overcorrect but she couldn't help it.

Leo knew he was doing the right thing offering the pills but seeing J.D hold back tears just at the sight of them broke his heart. He couldn't blame her. He felt a similar feeling when alcohol was involved and neither of his parents were addicts. It was just wrong place, wrong time for them, one idiot who thought he was sober enough to drive. And just like that his life had changed forever. He could still drink of course but he was strict with himself. Until he turned 21, he only got to drink on St Patrick's day. Because in Boston that's the only time cops don't bother arresting kids for underage drinking.

“J.D, I'm so sorry but you and I both know that sleep is the only way this fever can go down.”

J.D looked at him, and it was the same look he saw when she was throwing up in the toilet begging Philip to stop.

“Please no, I-I d-don't want it.” She stuttered, shaking her head vehemently.

He felt like he was gonna be sick, he didn't want J.D to be scared. If there was a way he could take her pain he'd do it in a heart beat. 

Leo kneeled on the bed and spoke very gently.

“I know you don't want it J.D. But you need it. It's so you can get better quickly for Kaleb.” Leo felt guilty bringing up Kaleb, but she needed to understand that if she couldn't get better for herself. She could do it for him.

Hesitantly J.D nodded and Leo gave her one 30 mg pill of restoril. She took it without complaint and Leo stayed with her in the room until she fell asleep.

He watched the rise and fall of her chest. She actually looked 17 like this. Her face was relaxed for once and her eyes were closed so no one could see that she had seen way too much.

He felt bile rise in his throat and left the room and sat back on the couch. He didn't want to be reminded of seeing J.D in the hospital. Seeing the tubes, wires and machines that kept her alive.

There was a woman who was smartly dressed talking to a doctor outside J.D’s room. ‘Probably another social worker.’ He thought. ‘What a big help they were before this.’ He listened to the tail end of the conversation. “He hasn't left her side.” The doctor said to the woman. ‘Yeah and I don't plan to.’ He looked away from the glass door and focused on J.D. holding her hand. “I'm so sorry, J.D I let you down.” He said. The only response J.D could give was the mechanical breathing of the ventilator she was on. “They gave me your locket, so don't worry about that, okay. It's safe.” He closed his eyes and let the beeps and whooshes of the machines in the PICU wash over him.

He heard the glass door open and looked up. It was the smartly dressed woman he saw talking to the doctor.

“Hey I wanted to-” she started, but Leo cut her off.

“If you're a social worker. You can fuck off.” He said in a low angry voice. And then he looked her in her eyes.

“You’re here now. NOW!!! As she fights for her life to do the whole hindsight 20, 20 bullshit.” He continued. Then he looked down and noticed the gun and badge holstered on her pants.

“You're a fed.” he said as he read the name on the badge. SSA Katie Cole.

She nodded, eyes sympathetic. She took the seat next to him. 

“You were the one that called the ambulance right?” She asked.

He nodded.

“But something tells me you’ve met J.D before. Can you talk to me about her?”

“When I was 9 I was in a car crash with my parents. Drunk driver. I lived, they didn't. My parents didn't have any family, so I ended up in foster care. That's when I met J.D. The home we lived in at the time was fucking awful. The old woman was a crazy, catholic bastard that beat us, starved us and put us in cages. But J.D was amazing. She’d steal food for the little ones, take the blame for them when they messed up. She’d recite all kinds of books from the top of her head to them. She is the smartest person I ever met.”

He said smiling. J.D was the light of that place. She made him strong and they looked out for each other when no one else did.

“But you went your separate ways?” She asked, and he was reminded of how they got here.

“Yeah. Eventually CPS realised that the abuse was pretty bad. Stupid fuckers. And all 5 of us got split up. And it seems J.D ended up with a fucking monster.” He huffed angrily.

“This isn't your fault.” Agent Cole said.

Leo huffed again. “It fucking feels like it. I wasn't there. I heard what those nurses said she was tortured and raped repeatedly. Did you know that boy isn't even her first kid? There is evidence that she had kids before this.” He said tears spilling down his eyes.

He felt sick. J.D couldn't even have kids again after this. They had to do an emergency hysterectomy to stabilise her. Another thing that was taken from her.

“The only person who is at fault is the sick son of a bitch who did this. And we'll find him.” Agent Cole said. 

Normally he wouldn't believe it but he heard the conviction in her voice. For once J.D would get justice.

Leo was woken by Kaleb shaking him. ‘When had he fallen asleep?’ It was light outside and the digital clock near the TV in the living room read 9:40 A.M.

“Hey Kaleb, what's up?” He asked. 

“Is there something wrong with mommy?” Kaleb asked, worry in every angle in his young face.

Leo wouldn't lie to Kaleb but he would only tell him what he needed to know.

“Your mom got sick last night after you went to bed. She’s currently sleeping.”

“What caused her to be sick?” Kaleb asked.

“Erm, I think it's because she's been working too hard. You know what she's like, she gets so distracted that she doesn't realise she's sick until it's too late.” 

Kaleb wanted to help. He felt like his mom had been different yesterday on the ride home. Like she wasn't all there, but he knew that his mom didn't want him to know when she was struggling. And if Leo was taking care of her then he knew she'd be fine.

“So, what can we do?” He asked.

“Well I could help you with your ballet.” Leo offered.  

Kaleb groaned.

“I know your mom is way better at helping you but I'm not that bad am I?”

Kaleb nodded, giggling slightly.

Leo picked Kaleb up and put him on his lap.

“You think it's funny, huh?” he said while tickling him.

After about 5 minutes, with ribs sore with laughter. They were snuggled on the couch watching cartoon network.

“What time is your ballet practice again? Leo asked.

“1:30.” Kaleb answered.

“I was thinking we could build a fort and have fun until then. How does that sound?” Leo asked playfully.

“YAAAAY!!!” Kaleb exclaimed.

------------------------------------------------------------

J.D woke up slowly. She hated those sleeping pills; they made her brain so slow. She knew that was the point but she needed her brain. Her brain let her give Kaleb the life she never got. Then she bolted upright. Her alarm clock read 12:45. ‘Oh God I have to take him to ballet.’

“Kaleb?!?!” She called out.

“Yeah?” she heard him say in response.

She felt her whole body relax in relief.

J.D heard their approaching footsteps and heard their knocks on her door.

“Come in.” She said.

Leo had a tray of chicken noodle soup along with a thermometer. He put the tray gently on her lap and checked her temperature. And Kaleb was fully dressed and ready to go.

“101.2°F.” He stated. He was relieved that her temp had gone down even if she still had a low fever.

“I’ll take Kaleb to ballet, you stay in bed, eat and relax.” Leo said in a way that left no room for argument.

J.D sighed dramatically. “You're no fun Leo.” She said playfully.

Kaleb giggled.

“Hey whose side are you on?” Leo said in mock offense.

With a wide mischievous grin he said. “Mommy’s.” 

Leo chuckled softly. “I was gonna give you ice cream after practice but I won't now.” He said in mock pout.

“I will not be bribed.” Kaleb announced.

J.D sat up straighter in her bed with pride. “That's my boy!”

Leo threw his hand up dramatically. “Why am I always the one being ganged up on?”

J.D and Kaleb exchanged mischievous glances and Leo was struck again just how identical they looked in that moment.

“Because it's fun.” They said in unison.

“Okay, we’re going now. Make sure you eat and rest whilst we're gone.” Leo said, as he walked out her room hand in hand with Kaleb.

She gave a mock salute. “Sir yes sir.”

As she heard the front door close she focused on her food.

She finished her chicken noodle soup, got up and put her tray away and wondered what she could do. And then she remembered: “Alex told me you play chess, right? 

“Yeah I do, maybe whenever we have free time we’ll play.” 

“Brilliant. Alex tells me you're amazing at it and I've been looking for someone who can beat me.”

J.D fished her phone from in-between her couch and called Spencer. ‘Let's see if I can beat him.’