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The Montreal Metros just won their last game of a week-long road trip. They crushed Detroit with a whopping 3-0 and team morale was high as they scattered into the locker room. Everyone was in high spirits after the win, except for Shane. He was of course happy they had won but he was also just exhausted. He was kind of glad they were heading for the airport right away instead of leaving the next morning. He wasn’t really in the mood for a victory party.
Last week’s schedule was rough. And every time he wasn’t on the ice his mind had been elsewhere, thinking back on the fight he had with Ilya right before the Metros went on their roadtrip. He still felt terribly sorry even though they had talked about it after and both apologized. Shane couldn’t shake the feeling that was lingering in his chest as he headed for the showers.
Shane settled into his seat next to Hayden on the plane as the last few passengers stowed away their bags. Hayden was on his phone talking to Jackie. He was giddy telling her he couldn’t wait to see her again tonight and Shane saw Hayden blushing at whatever Jackie had responded. Shane didn’t really want to find out what that was about but it also made him miss Ilya terribly. He wanted to call him and tell him that. But he couldn’t just call him like Hayden calls Jackie. Not when he was within earshot of his teammates and a dozen strangers. He sighed and sent Ilya a message instead.
Shane: On the plane now, heading back to Montreal. I miss you.
He hit send and the passengers were asked to turn off their electronic devices and to pay attention to the safety instructions as the plane slowly left the terminal. Shane had already tuned out, his thoughts trailing off to the fight he had with Ilya. The question still ringing in his ear, “you wouldn't choose me would you? Between hockey and me?,” as he replayed the events of last week.
***
Shane arrived at his apartment feeling sick to his stomach. He fucked up. He felt ashamed for not having realized how much Ilya had sacrificed for him and how unfair that was. He had missed something so important thinking they were on the same page, thinking Ilya liked Ottawa, liked his new team, and the life they had created together.
Ilya had changed so much about his life for Shane. And Shane had gained so much because of it. How could he miss that? What had Shane sacrificed? I’m such an idiot.
Shane had questioned Ilya’s dedication to him even though he’s always been unwavering in his devotion to Shane ever since he first stepped foot into Shane’s cottage. And why? Because he got defensive, because he was terrified. Terrified what disclosing their relationship would change. Shame had washed over him. I fucked up.
Shane paced around in his living room, freaking out and fighting the urge to drive right back to Ilya. But Ilya didn’t want to see him. He couldn’t blame him. He had been a complete asshole! He didn’t deserve him. God, what if Ilya would break up with him? Shane's stomach turned at the thought. In a rush of panic he called his mom.
“We both know you can be your own worst enemy”
His mom’s words rang true in his ears. She was right. Shane had always been the master of thinking too much. Sabotaging himself by overthinking and submitting to his anxieties. With insecurity clouding his brain he’d struggled to believe Ilya would choose him. Of course he would, he already had.
***
The plane had taken off and Shane gazed out into the evening dusk. The view did little to help Shane dispel his thoughts. His fears lurked in the darkest corners of his mind. They had taken root there and would sprout to the surface when Shane felt most insecure. Like they had when Shane couldn’t tell Ilya that he would choose him. It had felt like he was being strangled by his own uncertainties. He wanted to say it because, fuck, he meant it. Of course he did but he just couldn’t. Shane’s most fearful inner voice had won like it so often did and had drowned out his words.
It’s not that he was unsure about wanting to be with Ilya, Shane knew he would never love another person like he loves him. He wanted to be with him for as long as he would have him. It was everything that’s outside of his control that scared him. It was the expectations of the league, the secret life he’s been living, the most private part of himself he had only shared with so few people.
Shane couldn’t imagine how to navigate all these uncertainties and the unpredictability of it all. How could he possibly prepare for what would come? He was so used to going through all possible situations in his head, their outcomes, making plans and lists and thinking of solutions before problems could even arise. The unknown instilled a fear in him, especially if it could affect the most precious thing in his life. Telling the world that his most precious thing was Ilya Rozanov would require so much courage Shane wasn’t sure he had.
He barely noticed the flight attendant handing out water bottles. He muffled a low thank you and sighed heavily. God, he was tired. He didn’t sleep at all last night, his mind had been in overdrive all night dwelling on the fight and the phone call with Ilya after their fight.
Ilya had told him he started going to therapy. Shane had been surprised at first and it unsettled him that Ilya hadn't shared this with him up until this point. But what prevailed was that it hurt him to know that Ilya was suffering and that he and his fears were one of the reasons why.
It wasn't fair that Ilya made so many sacrifices and Shane hadn’t. Something had to change. Shane had to change, try and be better, be more brave. Something stirred in his chest with the realization, though he couldn't tell if it was the heaviness of all that could go wrong or a spark of courage reaching for Ilya and a future with him.
Shane took a deep breath and a sip from his water bottle and tried to settle down in his seat. He picked up his book. Hayden was sound asleep next to him. Shane was able to immerse himself into his book for a while when he heard a sound and the seatbelt signs turned on. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed but they must be getting close to arrival. As he put his seatbelt back on, he looked over to check whether Hayden’s was secured. When Shane confirmed Hayden was secured, he picked his book back up and went back to reading.
The plane suddenly jolted, causing Shane to lose sight of the line he was reading – must be unexpected turbulence. He put his book in the pocket of the seat in front of him. Hayden had startled awake at the first dip of the plane and was looking around confused.
“It’s just turbulence,” Shane told him.
“You know turbulence is actually pretty normal and nothing really to worry about,” not sure if he said it to Hayden or more to himself as he searched for signs of distress in the flight attendants’ eyes.
Although he couldn’t find any, he continued: “There’s something called the Jell-O theory that explains this. Because planes travel at such high speeds, the air surrounding the plane kind of acts like a dense substance that supports the plane and holds it in place. So the air pressure basically acts like Jell-O and during turbulence the plane is, although it’s shaking, safely embedded in the air.”
Shane usually didn’t get nervous on planes but his lack of sleep and the stress of the previous week made him more anxious.
“Huh,” Hayden replied, “I didn’t know that. Thanks, this story is putting me right back to sleep,” Hayden cackled and leaned back in his seat. Shane glared at him but felt his own tension relief a little.
Then the plane fucking dropped.
Shane’s stomach lurched and he heard himself scream. His guts felt like they were being pulled down and his heart was in his throat. In panic, he reached over and clawed Hayden’s hand on the armrest and squeezed.
Frenzied shrieks and crying filled the cabin. This was not regular turbulence. Shane felt panic rising in his chest and it felt like his heart would burst. He looked over at Hayden and was met with tear-filled eyes and a look of horror.
The plane continued to shake violently and Shane’s ears rang with the distress that filled the cabin. No, no, no, this can’t be happening. Shane squeezed Hayden’s hand tighter and closed his eyes bracing himself for whatever was about to come. Shane thought that this was it. This would be the end.
An ear shattering bang echoed through the cabin, triggering a new wave of screams and the plane shuddered horribly again. Shane’s thoughts spiraled around his family – his mom, his dad and Ilya. Ilya. Who he had parted with in a fight. Shane still had so much more to say. To apologize again and again.
And to tell Ilya that he would choose him and that he would always choose him. And now this would be taken away from him. The chance to show Ilya how much he loved him and to make it up to him. The chance to build a future together. Tears streamed down his face, his throat tight as he barely stopped a sob from escaping.
The plane leveled out with another horrible shudder. The air was suddenly thick with an eerie silence. The pilot made an announcement: “Engine emergency. Landing immediately. Please, follow crew instructions.” Distantly, Shane registered someone yelling about a fire. We are going to crash. I will never see him again.
Shane thought they still had so much time. That he had his whole life ahead of him with Ilya by his side. When Shane imagined spreading the rest of his life with Ilya, he never would have thought that the end could be now. There was still so much he wanted to do with Ilya. He wanted to get married. Maybe have children. Get a dog and grow old together.
Shane had wasted so much time holding back his feelings. Wasted so much time hiding and being afraid of what the world would think. He needed more time. He needed to let Ilya know that he would choose him, every single day for the rest of his life.
He didn't want to die without the world knowing that he loved Ilya. And Shane realized if he survived, he no longer wanted to live while hiding their love. Please, I need more time.
Shane wasn't sure whether the fear that prevailed was the fear of losing his life or the fear of never seeing Ilya again, losing the promise of a future with him. Pained, he realized what a stupid thought this was because they were the same thing.
***
The mood on the team bus was lively despite the Centaurs’ loss against Toronto. Ilya had chosen to sit alone, needing this moment of quiet as the team headed back to Ottawa. He couldn’t wait to be back home and see Shane again. They would finally only be two hours apart and he planned on driving to Montreal after practice the next day.
They would have a chance to talk again and he also just missed him. The fight they had before they both left for their road trips had been weighing on his mind and he didn’t sleep well all week. Ilya passed out almost immediately on the bus. He woke up about two hours later and felt much better after his nap.
He stared out the window and watched the night lights pass by. He checked his phone but there were no messages from Shane yet. Only about two more hours until he could go home, call him and then pass out in his bed. The team’s chattering was interrupted when suddenly Bood raised his voice.
“Whoa, guys listen to this: the Montreal Metro’s plane had to make an emergency landing,” he held his phone up displaying an ESPN article. Ilya shot up in his seat. He felt bile rising in his throat and panic growing in chest. Shane.
“What? Are they okay?,” he asked Bood, his eyes wide, pleading. His voice had come out loud and panicked which earned him confused looks from his teammates.
“Fucking tell me!” he yelled, frantically patting his pocket for his phone when the response didn't come fast enough.
“Uh, I think so. I only read the headline, I’m checking the article now–” Bood said but Ilya had already gotten out of his seat and headed to the empty back of the bus with his phone pressed to his ear calling Shane.
This interaction had caught most of the other teammates’ attention and some began to murmur amongst each other. Ilya had a hard time keeping it together. And the fucking phone was still ringing. Why wasn't Shane picking up the phone? What if he–? Ilya couldn't bring himself to finish the thought and felt sick to his stomach, tears brimmed in his eyes.
The phone was still ringing.
Ilya thumped down into the back row of the bus. Hunched over, head between his knees, Ilya rocked back and forth trying not to imagine his absolute fucking nightmare. Still not picking up. Ilya’s heart was beating so loud and his head felt like it would explode, he didn’t even register Bood calling back to him saying the article said there had been an emergency landing but no passengers were injured. Shane. Shane. A silent sob escaped his lips and his breath quivered. The phone clicked.
“Ilya–”
Thank god.
“Are you okay?” Ilya choked out. His voice trembled and the tears ran freely down his cheeks now.
“Yes. Yes, I’m okay,” Shane spoke softly.
Ilya could feel his teammates eyeing him trying to make something out of his behavior. Now quieter he asked again sniffling, “you okay?”
“Ilya, I’m okay,” Shane said gently. Ilya let out a long quivering exhale. His chest loosened and it felt like he could finally breathe again.
“It was terrifying. I don’t– I don’t even want to think about what could’ve happened,” Shane confessed, his voice barely audible. “And I was so scared and all I could think about was how we had a fight before I left and I wanted to apologize and tell you how much I love you,” his words poured out of him. “God, I love you so much, Ilya and I’m so so sorry.”
Ilya listened to his boyfriend’s outpouring of words and shook his head in disbelief. He could've lost Shane. The thought was horrifying. Ilya made a pained noise trying to hold back his quivering breaths. Shane paused.
“Ilya, are you–? I’m fine. I’m okay. Everyone's okay and I love you. So so much.”
Ilya took a deep breath to gain back control over his voice. He leaned back in his seat, the tension slowly draining out of him.
He spoke quietly. “I love you too. You scared me,” he sniffled. “I thought–”
“I know. But I’m okay.”
“Shane, I was so scared and I completely freaked out when Bood read the article.” Ilya ran a hand over his face. “I’m with the team and they all saw me and look at me like I’m crazy. I’m sorry but I could not keep it togeth–”
“Ilya, it’s fine. I don’t care.”
“But they will ask questions. I was not acting normal.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Shane said and then blurted out, “I’m on my way to the arena. To Ottawa. I have to see you.”
Ilya’s whole team would be there. He was already raising suspicion with the way he freaked out and cried on the fucking team bus. It would already be hard enough to cover this. How could he keep it together if he saw Shane once they arrived?
Ilya protested, “But–”
And because Shane knew what Ilya would say, because Ilya knew Shane and that he would be concerned about drawing attention, Shane declared with conviction: “I don’t give a fuck. I don’t care if they know. I have to see you. That’s all that matters.”
In the scariest moment of his life Shane had felt brave. Urgency had fuelled his action when he ignored his coach’s call for a team meeting after they had landed in Montreal to check in on everyone. Shane was on a mission. He needed to hold Ilya, to feel him and to tell him that he loved him. He had grabbed his bag and gear and aimed straight for the exit with the same conviction he showed on the ice with the net wide open.
Surprised by the sureness with which Shane had spoken, Ilya didn’t know what to say. A knot that had been deeply buried in his chest for a long time loosened a little and he surrendered, “Okay.”
Ilya spotted Troy make his way to the back of the bus towards him. Ilya eyed him suspiciously then leaned forward, elbows digging into his knees, holding his head in his hands and maybe hiding a little bit from his friend. Wordlessly, Troy sat in the seat next to him.
“I have to get back on the road, Ilya. I pulled over to take your call. Will you be okay?” Shane asked.
“Yes, it’s okay.”
“Okay. I love you. I’ll see you soon.”
“Ya tebya lyublyu. Drive safe.” Ilya hung up and sat there in silence for a moment. Head still in his hands on his knees, he felt a hand settle on his back gently. Ilya realized his tears hadn’t stopped falling but his breathing had calmed. The hand on his back stayed a grounding presence and it felt good to not be alone. And Ilya was glad that Troy wasn’t asking any questions.
Ilya clung to Shane's words. I’m okay. I will see you soon. He let them sound in his head like a mantra, keeping him from falling apart. For a brief moment Ilya thought his worst nightmare had become reality. When he resigned himself to the unavoidable fact that he could do nothing but wait for the bus to arrive, Ilya fought hard against his brain that kept confronting him with the unspeakable and unthinkable ‘what ifs’.
***
The parking lot was empty except for a few lonely cars. It was late at night. Shane got to the arena roughly twenty minutes ago and now he waited. The Centaurs’ bus hadn’t arrived yet. The drive from Montreal went by surprisingly quick. Shane had been so focused on the road and getting to Ilya that the two hours had passed in a heartbeat.
But now the waiting felt like an eternity. Shane tapped his foot on the car floor and ran his hands along the steering wheel nervously. The adrenaline and spike in cortisol Shane had experienced ever since the first drop of the plane hadn’t left his body completely yet.
He would get to see and feel Ilya and use the time he was gifted. Use it to love Ilya and to love him openly. His palms felt damp against the leather of the steering wheel and he kept watching the entrance of the parking lot. When he saw a flash of headlights approach the lot, he jerked in his seat, grabbed his keys and fumbled the handle of the door of his car.
As soon as the bus turned onto the road leading to the arena, Ilya grabbed his bag and stood in front of the door of the bus. His heart hammered in his chest. He spotted Shane’s car on the other end of the parking lot. As the bus slowly came to a halt, Ilya waited for the bus doors to open with the same anticipation for the puck to drop during a face-off.
He couldn’t wait another second. He wanted to be in Shane’s arms now. Hug him and feel him to make sure he was really still here. The doors opened and Ilya bolted towards Shane's car. He saw the driver's door opening with Shane scrambling out of the car and running towards him. All Ilya could think was he’s here. He’s here and he’s okay. They ran towards each other like a scene out of a fucking movie.
Ilya dropped his bag on the ground and captured Shane in a hug under the lights of the parking lot. They didn't say anything and just held on tightly, feeling each other's shaky breaths and pounding heartbeats. They stayed like this for a moment, wordlessly clinging to each other letting the tension of the last couple of hours slowly settle under each other's touch.
Shane pulled back slowly to look at Ilya but he only let him pull back so much. Gripping him like a lifeline, Ilya's arms still circled around Shane’s waist, not letting go completely. Ilya put their foreheads together and took a steadying breath. It felt like it was the first real breath ever since he heard the news about the plane, here with Shane in his arms.
“You’re okay,” Ilya said, more like a reminder than a question. Shane nodded against Ilya’s forehead before he separated their heads and finally found Ilya’s eyes. Ilya was crying.
“Hey,” his hands found Ilya’s face and gently brushed his cheeks. “I’m okay.”
“Yeah,” Ilya’s words barely a whisper as he leaned into Shane’s touch.
“Ilya,” Shane started with a seriousness in his voice. He prepared the words he wanted to say to Ilya that he thought he would never get to. He wanted them to be the first thing he said to Ilya when he saw him again.
“I choose you. And I will always choose you, for the rest of my life. I’ve been so stupid and I’ve been so terrified that I thought the worst thing that could happen would be people finding out our secret and the chaos and attention that would come with it. But the actual worst fucking thing that could happen would be to never see you again and to know that you’d be living in a world where so few knew how much I love you.
I’ve wasted so much fucking time hiding and being afraid of what other people, hell, of what the league would think. You have been so patient and understanding about keeping us a secret but I don’t want to hide anymore. I can’t spend another second hiding my love for you. And you shouldn’t have to either.”
Ilya’s heart soared and he surged forward and pressed their lips together. The hands that held Shane’s waist in a tight grip, now found their way onto the back of his neck and in his hair. Ilya deepened the kiss, slightly pulling Shane’s head back, adjusting the angle and to put even more fervor into the kiss.
Panting, they separated and Ilya ran his hands along Shane’s arms down to his hands and gently took them into his. He ran his thumbs over Shane’s knuckles and looked at him with glassy eyes but a small beautiful smile on his face.
“I don’t ever want to ever think I lost you again. I love you, Shane,” Ilya said and brought one of Shane’s hands to his mouth and kissed it softly.
It meant so much to Ilya that Shane was here right now, with him, in the middle of an open fucking parking lot with Ilya’s teammates witnessing their dramatic reunion from afar. His heart swelled with love for the man in front of him.
“Yes, let’s stop hiding. Would be hard not to anyways because they probably saw everything,” Ilya huffed a small laugh and nodded his head in the direction of his team.
“Good.” Shane answered simply and gave Ilya a bright unapologetic smile. Ilya thought Shane has never looked more beautiful.
The reminder that they weren’t the only two people in this parking lot pulled them out of their small orbit. “Let’s go home,” Shane said.
“Yes, but I have to tell the team and coach. We were supposed to have a team meeting.”
Ilya let go of Shane’s hands and turned to make his way to the bus when he felt a hand grip his wrist. He turned back with a questioning look at Shane.
“I’m coming with you,” Shane stated and laced their fingers together. Ilya stared back in disbelief for a second before a smile creeped up his face. Right, no more hiding. He squeezed Shane’s hand, picked up his bag and pulled Shane along.
As they approached, Ilya noticed several teammates’ glances travel from their joined hands to their faces. They all saw the way he was acting on the bus earlier and probably observed everything that just happened with great curiosity and maybe pieced a few things together themselves, Ilya thought. He paid them no mind and walked directly towards Wiebe.
They stopped in front of the Centaurs’ coach. Wiebe looked at them with mild amusement and a raised eyebrow. In his usual nonchalant manner, Ilya got straight to the point.
“Sorry, but I can’t make the team meeting tonight. My boyfriend almost died today and came here to pick me up. Can we please reschedule?” Ilya felt Shane’s grip tighten on the word boyfriend. A few of the Cen’s players that were within earshot turned, their mouths agape.
Wiebe just nodded, then addressed Shane, “Hollander, we heard about the incident. I’m glad no one got hurt.”
“T–thanks,” Shane stammered.
“We’ll reschedule the meeting, Ilya. Don’t worry about it. It’s quite late anyways. You’re excused,” and with that Wiebe went back to helping with unloading the gear from the bus.
“Thank you, coach.” Ilya ignored his team mates and they made their way towards Shane’s car.
“Roz, wait!” Barrett called before he jogged after them. Shane and Ilya stopped and waited for him to catch up. “Don’t worry about the team, Roz. I’ll talk to them.” Barrett glanced back and forth between the two of them and smiled. Ilya was sure his team would be good about it. They were all just genuinely good guys and he knew Troy understood their situation.
Ilya took a step towards Troy and tapped his free hand on Troy’s shoulder, “I appreciate it.”
“I’m glad you’re well, Hollander.” Troy addressed Shane.
“Thanks. You can tell them that I’d like to introduce myself properly to everyone another time.” Shane said confidently.
“Absolutely,” Barrett grinned and let them go.
***
Ilya sank into the passenger seat of the car and turned his head to look at Shane. Shane had bravely stood beside him and held his hand in front of his team. The gesture had filled him with so much pride. He knew this must’ve been difficult for him.
“Are you okay? You sure you want this? They would not say anything if I ask–,” Ilya asked carefully.
“I’m sure,” Shane let his head fall back against the headrest and returned Ilya’s gaze. “I mean, yeah this is terrifying but it’s nothing compared to how scared I was when I thought I’d never get to see you again. I want this.”
Ilya smiled and leaned over to kiss Shane. “Me too.”
“We can figure out the logistics another day. Tonight I just want to go home and be with you.”
“What? No ten step plan already outlined in your notes app? Who are you and what did you do to my Shane Hollander?” Ilya laughed and smiled at Shane with a mischievous glint in his eyes.
To think he almost never got to see that ridiculous teasing and beautiful smile ever again. Shane was so grateful. Shane shoved Ilya’s shoulder playfully, rolled his eyes and started the car. As they pulled out of the parking lot, Ilya grabbed Shane’s hand and intertwined their fingers in his lap, smoothing small circles with his thumb.
“Thank you, Shane. For doing this. I know it won’t be easy, but we will face the hard things together, yes?”
“Together.”
They drove in silence for a while, feeling the tension of the last couple of hours finally leaving their bodies when Ilya chuckled softly. “What?” Shane asked.
“You couldn’t pick a sexier car to show up and make whole romantic gesture in front of my team?” Ilya quibbed.
Shane’s jaw fell open in mock outrage. “You are unbelievable. It’s a good car!” Shane yelled defensively and Ilya just laughed at him. The sound of his laugh engulfed Shane in a warm feeling and his heart that had been in turbulence ever since last week, finally calmed.
As Shane pulled onto a road leading to the city center, it felt like he was also heading towards something bigger. Moving away from fear towards a future of loving openly and unapologetically. With Ilya by his side.