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The Hero and His Princess Problem

Summary:

The Hero of Time's journey is complicated by one small, but very loud, addition: Princess Ruto of the Zoras. After a "proposal" born of desperation inside a giant fish, Ruto becomes utterly convinced that Link is her fiancé and refuses to leave his side. Her snobbish, possessive, and hilariously direct nature throws a wrench into every plan, creating chaos and intense rivalries with every other woman who shows even a passing interest in Link. Now he must save Hyrule while juggling a fairy, a magic ocarina, and a clingy Zora princess who is determined to be his wife, no matter how many goddesses or girls stand in her way.

Chapter 1: The Boy Without a Fairy

Chapter Text

The nightmare was always the same. A sky the color of a fresh bruise, split by a fork of lightning that never faded. A sprawling castle, impossibly distant yet crushingly close. A drawbridge lowered with a groan of tortured wood, and from the darkness beyond, a figure on a great black horse galloped forth. It was a man, broad and imposing, clad in armor that drank the light. His red hair was a lick of flame against the oppressive gloom. He would turn, his sharp, cruel face fixing on the dreamer, a smirk twisting his lips. Then, a woman with hair like spun gold, a regal sadness in her eyes, would ride past, clutching a child. They were fleeing. But the boy in the dream could never move. He was rooted to the spot, a spectator to his own terror. And then the man in black armor would raise a hand, and a wave of suffocating evil would wash over him, and he would wake up, gasping, the phantom pressure of it still on his chest.

Link sat up in his bed, a carved-out hollow in the trunk of a massive tree. The familiar green tunic felt damp with sweat. He ran a hand through his blond hair, pushing it from his eyes. It was just a dream. The same one that had plagued him for weeks.

Another Tuesday, another apocalyptic vision, he thought, his internal voice a dry counterpoint to the chirping of the forest outside. At least this time the evil guy didn't stop to ask for directions.

A frantic blue light zipped through his open window, buzzing like an angry hornet. It circled his head twice before stopping dead in front of his face.

"Link! Are you awake? Hey! The Great Deku Tree has summoned you! It's urgent! Get up! Let's go!"

Link stared at the fairy. It was a tiny ball of light with fluttering, insect-like wings. He’d seen them his whole life, flitting around the other Kokiri, the children of the forest. Every Kokiri had a fairy partner. It was the law of the forest, the sign that you were one of them. Everyone but him. The boy without a fairy. Until now, apparently.

So, I finally get one, and it's the loudest, most obnoxious one in the entire forest. Fantastic. My life is complete.

"Hey! Listen! Are you listening to me?" the fairy buzzed, zipping closer to his nose. "My name is Navi! The Great Deku Tree himself sent me to be your partner! This is a huge honor, you know!"

Link just blinked. He couldn't speak. None of the Kokiri knew why. He’d been able to make sounds as a baby, or so the others told him, but the words just never came. It was another thing that set him apart, like his strange dreams and the fact that he was the only one who seemed to get bigger, even if just by a little, each year.

He swung his legs out of bed and stood up, stretching. The little house was cozy, filled with the simple wooden furniture he’d made himself. He walked over to a small chest and opened it. Inside were a handful of green Rupees, the forest's currency. Not enough. He knew what was coming. The path to the Great Deku Tree was blocked by a particularly bossy Kokiri named Mido, who had appointed himself the leader of the village and, more importantly, Link’s personal tormentor. Mido wouldn't let him pass without a sword and shield.

Time to go break into my neighbors' houses and smash their pottery, Link thought with a sigh of resignation. It's a living.

He gave Navi a nod, indicating he was ready.

"Finally!" she chirped. "Let's go, let's go! The fate of the forest might be at stake!"

Link stepped out of his house and into the perpetual, gentle twilight of the Kokiri Forest. The village was a collection of treehouses connected by rope bridges and ladders, nestled under the protective canopy of the woods. Other Kokiri were already out and about, their own fairies trailing behind them like loyal pets. A few waved. He waved back.

His best friend, Saria, was waiting for him on the bridge outside his house. Her green hair was vibrant against the muted colors of the forest floor, and her smile was always genuine.

"Link! You have a fairy!" she said, her voice full of delight. Her own fairy, a soft pink light, bobbed happily beside her. "I knew it! I knew the Great Deku Tree would call for you soon! Does this mean... you're leaving?"

Her smile faltered for a second. The thought always hung between them. The Kokiri never left the forest. They couldn't. Legend said they would die if they did. But Link wasn't like them. They both knew it.

Link shook his head and offered her a small, reassuring smile. He didn't know what was happening, but he wasn't planning on going anywhere.

Not unless they have better beds out there. This one is killing my back.

"Oh, good." Saria said, relieved. "Well, hurry! Don't keep the Great Deku Tree waiting!"

He gave her a final nod and started on his way, Navi buzzing impatiently around his head. The first order of business was acquiring funds. He jogged over to a house with a fenced-in yard, hopped the fence, and entered without knocking. An assortment of pots and barrels lined the walls. With a deep, put-upon sigh, Link began to methodically pick them up and smash them against the floor. Rupees, green and blue, popped out and vanished into his wallet with a satisfying chime that only he seemed to hear.

I'm basically a fantasy-world cat, just knocking things off shelves for no reason, he mused, pocketing a particularly shiny red Rupee. Except I get paid for it.

After looting two more houses—an act no one seemed to mind, as the pots would magically be back in place by tomorrow—he had enough. He jogged to the village shop, a hollowed-out log, and bought a simple wooden shield. The sword was a bit trickier. It was hidden in a small training area, behind a rolling boulder. A few minutes of undignified crawling through a muddy hole later, he emerged with the Kokiri Sword in hand. It was short, light, and felt more like a toy than a weapon, but it would have to do.

"Great! You've got the gear!" Navi chirped. "Now we can finally go see the Great Deku Tree! Mido won't be able to stop you now!"

Link squared his shoulders, equipped the sword and shield, and marched toward the path Mido was blocking. The self-important Kokiri stood with his arms crossed, a sneer on his face.

"Well, well, if it isn't Mr. No-Fairy." Mido taunted, before noticing Navi. "What? You got a fairy? And the Great Deku Tree wants to see you? Why you and not me, the great Mido?"

Link just stared at him, holding up his new sword and shield.

Because I'm the protagonist, you obnoxious little toadstool. Now move.

Mido grumbled, his face sour. "Fine! But only because you have the equipment! Don't come crying to me when you get scared!"

He stepped aside, and Link walked past without a backward glance. The path to the Great Deku Tree was short but strangely tense. A few aggressive plants snapped at his ankles, and he swatted them away with his new sword. It was clumsy, but effective.

He soon emerged into a large, sun-dappled clearing. In the center stood the Great Deku Tree, a colossal, ancient being with a wise, weary face set in its bark. His massive branches formed the canopy for the entire forest. He was the guardian, the father, the very soul of the Kokiri. And he looked sick. Dark, withered patches spread across his trunk, and his voice, when it came, was a deep, rustling groan.

"O, Navi... Thou hast returned." the tree rumbled. "And thou, Link... the boy without a fairy... I have been waiting for thee. I am afraid I have been cursed."

Navi zipped around in a panic. "Cursed? Great Deku Tree, by who?"

"A wicked man of the desert... He cast a terrible spell upon me." the tree explained. "He sought the spiritual stone that I protect. I sense a great evil emanating from him. Link... I ask of thee a great favor. Wilt thou, with thy courage, break the curse upon me? Enter my mouth and venture within. The fate of the forest depends on it."

A large opening, a dark and foreboding maw, opened at the base of the tree's trunk.

Link stared at it. Then he looked at Navi. Then back at the gaping hole.

He wants me to go... inside him? Link’s internal voice was a mixture of horror and disbelief. This is, without a doubt, the single most disgusting and terrifying thing anyone has ever asked me to do. And I just spent the morning smashing pots for pocket change. That's a high bar.

"Don't worry, Link!" Navi said, her voice full of a confidence Link did not share. "We can do this! Together!"

With the heaviest sigh of his young life, Link drew the tiny Kokiri Sword and took a step forward, into the darkness.

The inside of the Great Deku Tree was not the woody, sap-filled cavern Link had expected. It was a dungeon. A proper, honest-to-goddesses dungeon, complete with rickety platforms, strange monsters, and a disconcerting amount of giant spiderwebs. The air was thick with the smell of decay and damp earth.

Well, this is a violation of several health and safety regulations, Link thought, cautiously prodding a web-covered wall with his sword. It was sticky and thick as rope. I'm starting to think the ‘wicked man of the desert’ was just an excuse. The old tree is just a hoarder.

"Watch out, Link!" Navi chirped, darting ahead. "There are monsters in here! They're called Deku Babas!"

A large plant with a vicious-looking maw lunged at him from the base of a wall. Link yelped and jumped back, swinging his sword in a wild, panicked arc. The blade connected, and the creature fell apart in a puff of smoke, leaving behind a single, large nut.

Okay. I can fight. Sort of. It was more of a flail, really. A terrified, desperate flail. He picked up the Deku Nut. The Great Deku Tree had told him they could stun enemies when thrown. So, I fight plants to get nuts to throw at other plants. The circle of life is weirder than I thought.

He began to climb a series of vines leading up the central chamber. The walls were crawling with Skulltulas, spiders the size of dinner plates with bony, skull-like carapaces. They skittered up and down, blocking his path.

"Their weak point is their soft underbelly!" Navi advised. "You have to wait for them to turn around!"

Link flattened himself against the vines, his heart hammering in his chest. He was not a fan of spiders. Especially not spiders that were seemingly made of bone and malice. He waited, holding his breath, as one of the creatures spun around to reorient itself. Its purple, fleshy abdomen was exposed for a split second. Link jabbed his sword forward. It was a clumsy, awkward thrust from his position on the wall, but it hit home. The spider shrieked and dissolved into purple smoke.

One down. Only a million more to go. Why couldn't I have been the Hero of Naps? Or the Hero of Sandwich-Making? I'd be great at that.

He continued his ascent, dispatching two more Skulltulas with growing, albeit reluctant, confidence. At the top, he found a treasure chest. With a grunt of effort, he heaved the lid open. Inside, nestled on a bed of velvet, was a slingshot.

"Wow, a Fairy Slingshot!" Navi exclaimed. "Now you can hit things from a distance! Try shooting that ladder down!"

She pointed to a ladder on a high ledge across the room, held up by a single rope. Link took aim. The slingshot felt surprisingly natural in his hands. He fired a Deku Seed, and the tiny projectile zipped across the gap, snapping the rope. The ladder fell into place with a loud clatter.

Okay, this is pretty cool, he admitted to himself, a small thrill running through him. Maybe this hero stuff isn't all bad. It's mostly bad, but the accessories are nice.

He made his way across the newly accessible path and through a door, finding himself in a room with a shallow pool of water and a floating platform. A puzzle. Of course. He had to light a series of torches to proceed. After a few minutes of carrying a lit stick from one torch to another before it burned out, a task that felt more like a frantic relay race than a heroic deed, the way forward was clear.

He dropped through a hole in the floor, landing in a cavern filled with thick, oppressive webbing. In the center of the room, something huge was moving.

"Link... I sense a great evil..." Navi whispered, her light dimming.

The webbing tore apart, and a monstrous eye, bloodshot and veined, stared down at him. It was attached to a gigantic, armored arachnid, a Queen Gohma. It scuttled on the ceiling, its legs clicking against the bark, its single eye swiveling to track his every move.

Nope, was Link’s only thought. Absolutely not. I'm leaving. I'll take my chances with the evil desert guy. Maybe he's reasonable.

But there was no exit. The hole he'd fallen through was too high to reach. The monster dropped from the ceiling, landing with a ground-shaking thud that sent a cloud of dust and spores into the air. It let out a chittering screech that vibrated in Link's bones.

"Its eye! When it turns red, that's its weak point!" Navi shouted, her voice trembling. "Use your slingshot!"

The Queen Gohma reared up, its eye glowing a malevolent red as it prepared to lay a clutch of eggs. Link, running on pure adrenaline, raised the slingshot. His hands were shaking, but his aim was true. The Deku Seed struck the massive eyeball dead-center.

The monster shrieked in pain and collapsed, stunned.

"Now, Link! Attack it with your sword!"

Link didn't need to be told twice. He charged forward, screaming a silent, terrified war cry, and began hacking at the creature's head with his little sword. It was like hitting a rock with a twig, but he put all his weight into every swing. The monster began to stir. He scrambled back just as it rose, shaking its head.

It scuttled back onto the ceiling, and the process repeated. It would try to lay eggs, its eye would glow red, and Link would shoot it. It would fall, and he would attack. On the third cycle, as he delivered a final, desperate slash, the Queen Gohma convulsed. It let out one last, ear-splitting shriek, flipped onto its back, and exploded in a shower of blue-green light and foul-smelling smoke.

In its place, a shimmering, heart-shaped container floated in the air. Link cautiously approached it and touched it. A feeling of warmth and vitality flowed through him, knitting together the bruises and scrapes he’d accumulated. He felt stronger.

A blue portal of light appeared nearby. He stepped into it, and in a swirl of energy, he was back outside, standing in the clearing before the Great Deku Tree.

But the tree looked worse than before. The life was fading from his ancient face.

"Well done, Link..." the Deku Tree rasped, his voice weak. "Thou hast broken the curse... but it was too late. I am withered... My time is short."

Oh, come on! Link thought, a wave of frustration and sadness washing over him. I went in there! I fought a spider the size of a house! And for what?

"Do not despair." the tree continued, as if sensing his thoughts. "Listen well to my words... The wicked man who cursed me is Ganondorf, the King of the Gerudo Thieves. He seeks the Triforce, a sacred relic that grants the wishes of whoever touches it. To enter the Sacred Realm where it resides, he needs three Spiritual Stones... and the key, the Ocarina of Time."

The tree's branches rustled, and a brilliant green gem, the Kokiri's Emerald, descended on a bed of leaves and floated before Link.

"Take this stone... It is the Spiritual Stone of the Forest. You must never allow the desert man to get his hands on it. Go now, to Hyrule Castle. There you will find the Princess of Destiny... She will know what to do. Navi... go with this boy. Guide him... He is the one..."

The Great Deku Tree's voice faded. The light in his eyes went out. The leaves on his branches turned brown and began to fall like rain. A profound silence fell over the forest. The guardian was gone.

Link stared at the emerald in his hands, then at the lifeless husk of the tree. He felt a weight settle on his shoulders, heavier than any shield. He was just a boy. A boy who had, until this morning, never even held a sword. And now, the fate of the world was apparently his problem.

"Link..." Navi said softly, her usual frantic energy gone. "He... he believed in you."

Link looked down at the stone, then in the direction of the path leading out of the forest. He didn't want to go. He wanted to go back to his bed and pull the covers over his head. But the tree's last words echoed in his mind. The Princess of Destiny.

Great, he thought, his sarcasm a flimsy shield against the sudden, crushing responsibility. Another princess. I hope this one doesn't need me to go inside her, too.

With a heavy heart, he turned and began the long walk back to the village.

The news of the Great Deku Tree's death spread through the Kokiri Forest like a blight. The perpetual twilight seemed to dim, and a hush fell over the normally cheerful village. The other Kokiri stared at Link as he walked through, their expressions a mixture of awe, fear, and accusation. Mido was the worst.

"It's all your fault!" he shouted, pointing a finger at Link. "The Great Deku Tree would still be alive if you hadn't gone in there! You killed him!"

Link just kept walking. He didn't have the energy to be angry. He just felt tired. He was an outcast again, but for a new, more terrible reason.

First I'm the weirdo with no fairy, now I'm the weirdo who kills sentient trees. It's a real step up the social ladder.

He was heading for the exit, the long, covered bridge that led to the outside world. He knew he had to leave. The Deku Tree's final command had been clear. Go to Hyrule Castle.

As he reached the entrance to the bridge, a familiar figure stepped out to block his path. It was Saria. Her usual bright smile was gone, replaced by a look of deep sadness.

"So... it's true, isn't it?" she said softly. "You're leaving."

Link stopped. He looked at his friend, at the familiar green tunic she wore, the green hair that framed her gentle face. This was his home. She was his only real friend. And he was walking away from it all. He gave a slow, solemn nod.

"I knew this day would come." she said, her eyes glistening. "We all knew you were different from us, Link. You weren't born in this forest. But I'm still... I'm going to miss you."

She took a step closer, her expression earnest. "I want you to have this."

She held out a small, intricately carved ocarina. It was a beautiful blue-gray color, polished smooth. The Fairy Ocarina.

"When you play this ocarina, I hope you'll think of me." she said, pressing it into his hands. "And... please, don't forget me. Don't forget the forest."

Link looked down at the instrument. It felt cool and solid in his grasp. He looked back up at Saria, and for a moment, he wished desperately that he could speak. He wanted to tell her he would never forget her. He wanted to thank her for being his friend when no one else would. He wanted to tell her he was scared.

Instead, he just gave her the most genuine, heartfelt smile he could manage. It was all he had.

I'll be back, he promised silently. I'll fix this. And then I'm sleeping for a week.

Saria seemed to understand. She returned his smile, though hers was tinged with sorrow. "I'll be waiting for you, Link. I'll always be your friend."

She stepped aside. The path was clear.

"Go on." Navi whispered from his side. "It's okay."

Link took a deep breath and walked onto the bridge. He didn't look back. He couldn't. The sounds of the forest faded behind him, replaced by the creak of the wooden planks under his boots. At the end of the bridge was a blinding white light. He stepped into it.

The world exploded with color and sound.

He was standing on a grassy hill, blinking in the sudden, harsh glare of the sun. He had to shield his eyes. The sky was a vast, brilliant blue, a stark contrast to the gentle canopy he'd lived under his whole life. Before him stretched an immense, rolling green field, bigger than anything he had ever imagined. In the distance, a snow-capped mountain pierced the clouds, and far, far away, the proud banners of a white castle fluttered in the breeze.

Hyrule Field.

Okay. This is... big, Link thought, feeling incredibly small. Really, really big. I think I preferred the trees. At least they provided some cover from... well, everything.

The sheer scale of it was overwhelming. The air smelled different, too—of grass and open space and something else, something wild and untamed. He took a few tentative steps forward, the grass tickling his ankles.

"This is it, Link!" Navi said, her excitement returning. "Hyrule Field! The castle is that way! Let's go!"

She zipped off towards the distant castle. Link sighed and began to jog after her. The journey was long and, for the most part, uneventful. He learned quickly to avoid the strange, plant-like creatures called Peahats that floated lazily during the day but became aggressive whirlwinds of blades at night. He also learned that nightfall brought skeletons, called Stalchildren, that clawed their way out of the ground. His first encounter with them had involved a lot of panicked screaming (internal, of course) and frantic sword-swinging.

After what felt like an eternity of running, he finally reached the massive drawbridge of Hyrule Castle Town. It was just like in his dream, but bustling with life instead of shrouded in shadow. Guards in shining armor stood at attention. Merchants called out their wares. The air was filled with the chatter of people, the smell of baking bread, and the distant clang of a blacksmith's hammer.

The town was a chaotic maze of streets and alleys. People bustled past him, a river of strange faces and colorful clothes. It was loud, crowded, and overwhelming.

So many people, he thought, trying not to get jostled. And they're all so... tall. Do they not have ceilings here? Is that the secret?

He wandered through the market, his eyes wide. He saw a woman selling potions, a man hawking bombs in a shop that seemed like a terrible fire hazard, and a group of people playing some kind of shooting gallery game. It was a world away from his quiet forest home.

He eventually found his way to the castle proper, a pristine white fortress surrounded by a moat. The main gate was heavily guarded. There was no way he was just walking in.

"There must be another way in." Navi buzzed. "Let's look around."

They circled the castle grounds until they found a small stream flowing out from the moat. A vine-covered wall ran alongside it. It looked climbable.

Of course. More climbing, Link grumbled internally. My official title should be the Hero of Vertical Traversal.

He found a spot where a sleeping guard was slumped against a wall. The man was snoring loudly, a steady, rumbling sound. This was his chance. He scrambled up the vines, his small frame making it easy. He crawled along a ledge, past the oblivious guard, and dropped down into the castle courtyard. He'd made it.

Now, to find this Princess of Destiny. He crept through the meticulously manicured gardens, hiding behind hedges and statues to avoid the patrols of guards. It felt like a game of hide-and-seek, but with much higher stakes.

He finally came to a secluded inner courtyard. And there, peering through a latticed window, was a girl about his age. She had bright blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, and an air of quiet intensity. She turned as he approached, not with surprise, but with a look of recognition.

"Who... who are you?" she asked, her voice soft but clear.

Link just stood there, holding the Kokiri's Emerald. He couldn't answer.

"You're... a boy from the forest?" she continued, her eyes widening as she saw the green stone. "And that... is the Spiritual Stone of the Forest! Then... the dream was true."

She's been having them too? Link thought, a jolt of surprise running through him. The nightmare about the man on the black horse?

"I am Zelda." she said, a new urgency in her voice. "Princess of Hyrule. And I have been waiting for you, Link."