Work Text:
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Um… Hello?
<It’s on, Caboose. You can just talk>
Um. Yes… Talk about what?
<Well… Start with your name!>
MY NAME IS MICHAEL J. CABOOSE--
<Oh! There’s no need to yell, silly! You have a microphone!>
I DO-- I mean, I do?
<Yes, it’s right there-- wait. Where did it go?>
Oh. That? Um. I… did not think it was a bug. Um. It… might have. Accidentally fallen off.
<Fallen off?>
Yes. And shattered in a million peices.
<Caboose...>
I definitely did not do that.
<I only gave it to you five minutes ago!>
Did nooot do that.
<Okay... Moving on. Can you please tell me what happened earlier today?>
Um. Yes. Well, you see, first I woke up. Then I took a shower. Then I got dressed. Then I ate breakfast--
<No, I meant, can you please tell me what happened this morning at exactly oh nine hundred hours, when the armory… well… exploded.>
Oh.
Tucker did it.
What?! Man, that’s bullshit. He totally threw me under the bus!
<Please calm down Captain Tucker. Just tell me what happened.>
Okay, okay fine. So first Caboose and I were in the mess hall, and he was going on about some bullshit about this stupid sparkly pop can he got from his friend or whatever, and how he wanted an orange gun, when I realized ‘hey, I need a gun!’
<But… you have an ancient Sangheli plasma sword-->
Yeah, I know that I have this totally badass sword, but I also saw this really cool stunt video where the guy had a sword in one hand and a battle rifle in the other and he was all-- whoo, swish! Boom! Ahhhh...Brgghhaaa--
<I get the picture, thank you. No really, please stop, you might break something-->
<... that was my favorite mug>
Oh shit Dr. Grey, I’m so sorry.
<It’s quite alright. Material possessions don’t bring me happiness.>
Oh.
Anyways.
I saw this video, and I was like ‘man, I bet this guy totally gets all the chicks’, right? And just as I was thinking that, this really hot girl bumped into me and I--
<Hot girl? Everyone is wearing armor.>
And I would totally love to get her out of her armor, if you know what I mean-- Bowchickabowwow. So I got up to go to the armory to get a gun, and Caboose just followed me.
<What happened after that?>
Okay, after that? That was all Donut’s fault.
My fault?! But I was just doing my job!
<Okay, calm down please Captain Donut. There’s no need to cry…>
I’m sorry, I just… It’s too hard. Am I going to get fired? Because I can’t feed my family without a job! I can’t pay for the kids college! I won’t be able to--
<Woah there. It’s okay. You won’t get fired, and your… family… will be just fine, I’m sure!>
Aww, you’re so nice Doctor! You know, I had a doctor friend just like you! He was actually a medic, but everyone called him Doc. We always spent a lot of time together before he…
Wait.
<Can you tell me what happened at the armory?>
Oh! Right. Well, first Lopez and I were having this awesome dance off-- he’s got moves!-- and then Tucker comes over and he says--”
So I say, give me the biggest gun you got! And Donut kind of looks at me, and Lopez says something in spanish. But I keep insisting, so Donut sighs and heads into the back to search for a gun. After a while, I go back with Donut-- cause I gotta make sure he gets the right one.
And so I say ‘No Tucker! That one is too dangerous! You need to let a professional handle this baby! Just leave it to Agent Double-oh Donut!’ And Tucker gets really upset, and then Simmons comes out! And he says ‘careful guys, the amount of accidental firearm injuries is extremely high.’ And then Tucker tells him to stick it up an unpleasant place, and grabs for the gun--
<Where was Caboose during this?>
Oh, I left him with Lopez. Caboose wanted to ask him about something.
<So, Lopez. What happened when you and Caboose were left alone?>
Dios si lo se. [God if I know]
<Can you elaborate please?>
El idiota azul estaba allí de pie. Me doy la vuelta por un maldito segundo para agarrar una batería, y de repente, todo estaba en llamas
[The blue idiot was just standing there. I turn around for one goddamn second to grab a battery, and suddenly, everything was on fire.]
<I see. But you didn’t actually see what happened?>
No. Pero tal vez Grif lo hicieron. Él estaba sentado afuera en un montón de nieve derretida
[No. But maybe Grif did. He was sitting right outside in a pile of melting snow]
<Oh. Lovely. Thank you.>
Yshishawshim.
<Swallow please.>
Sorry-- ahem-- we just got oreos from the latest supply run.
<Grif I-- Did you say Oreos?>
Yep. Kimball got them so I would stop complaining. She says she hates me, but I think she’s started to grow an affection for me. You want one?
<Are you actually offering me food?>
I’m feeling generous. Are you going to take it or not?
<Sure. Thanks. Anyways. Can you please explain-->
What happened at the armory, right?
<Yes. How did you…?>
Oh, word gets around.
< Ah. Okay. So can you-->
Actually, Simmons was freaking out about it. He thought it was some kind of interrogation and nearly had a panic attack. Nerd. Anyways, I was hanging out around the hallway because that’s the only place where Wash can’t find me, and I saw Caboose and Lopez.
<And?>
I dunno.
<You… don’t know.>
Yeah. I was too busy looking out for Wash. One second I hear Caboose blabbing some bullshit about pop cans-- which, by the way, we are sadly out of-- and asks Lopez if he had any spare batteries. The next second, the armory is in flames and, most importantly, so is the box of snack cakes that I hid in one of the closets. Tragic. Anyways, maybe you should ask Simmons, save him from another panic attack.
<Alright. Thanks… Captain Grif.>
Any time. Anyways, are you going to eat that Oreo or…
<You can have it.>
Hi. Er, Hi. Dr. Grey. Um.
<No need to worry, Captain Simmons. I’m just going to ask you a few questions.>
Okay.
<Can you please tell me-->
Well first I was-- oh, sorry. You can finish your question.
<Just keep talking.>
Right. Yes. So I was in the back with Donut and Tucker. Tucker kept complaining about the size of our guns, and insisting that he needed the biggest one we had. He had some crazy idea about his sword and a rifle and an explosion and c-chicks or something. I honestly don’t know why he would want to do that. Did you know that 33,706 people die from accidental firearm injuries?
<I’m not sure that’s completely correct-->
Which is exactly why, right after it happened, I got to tell Donut ‘I told you so.’ I like telling people that. It lets them know I’m in charge, which I usually am since Sarge is just an awful leader and--
Wait. Is this being recorded?
Oh god, please delete that.
Sarge is going to be so pissed!
<Don’t worry, he won’t be listening to these tapes-->
Still!
<If it makes you uncomfortable, then yes. I will delete that last part. Please continue telling the story.>
Well… uh. Okay, don’t tell any of the others I told you, okay? They’ll hate me forever.
<Just tell me please!>
Okay, so Tucker went reaching for this super-charged plasma gun--
<Oh dear me.>
--Donut also reached for it, yelling about it was dangerous or something. It accidentally discharged-- 33,706, I’m telling you-- and it fired toward Lopez and Caboose. And… I don’t know what happened after that. The explosion was much larger than it should have been, by my calculations.
So, that’s it.
Dr. Grey? You look kind pale…
<I’m… fine. Thanks. Just. You can leave now>
Oh no. Did I do something wrong? Was it something I said?
<Please just leave.>
Alright...
Hello again, little lady. What can I do for you today?
<Hello Sarge. Tell me about the incident at the armory this morning.>
Why, that? That was nothing more than brilliance! Tactical strategy! A devastating blow to our enemy!
<But Sarge, it happened in our own compound.>
Eh. I’m sure there’s some enemy here somewhere. Maybe a space pirate or two, like the ones we ran into on the supply run--
Wait. It happened our own compound?
<Yes… why?>
Did anyone from the red team happen to be standing a bit to close? Someone… orange, maybe?
<Um. No. Fortunately, there were no injuries-->
Dangnabit. Well you can’t win them all.
<Right. Anyways, did you see anything…?>
Nope. I was too busy changing-- ahem-- modifying-- ahem-- improving the turrets on the army’s warthogs!
<Improving?>
Yep. I installed an emp in every cannon! I don’t mean to brag, but I am the best mechanic on Red team. Besides Lopez, of course.
<Oh, that’s not good.>
Not to worry! To compensate for the emp, I converted them all to diesel!
<To… diesel? Dear lord.>
Yep, I know my way around a jeep-- wait. Where are you going?
<It’s Jensen’s turn to practice driving today! I’ll be right back!>
Oh. Okay. Take your time, Missy!
Heh heh.
Sorry, what is this about again? I was in the middle of training--
<It will only take a few seconds, Wash. Just take a seat.>
Okay…
<Can you please tell me about the incident at the armory?
Incident? At the Armory?
<Yes. When the Red and Blue captains discharged a plasma rifle and blew up half of the armory-->
They. Did. WHAT?!
<Agent Washington, please sit down-->
GodDAMN It! I’m gonna give them all TEN LAPS and I swear to GOD--
<Agent-- Agent-- Washington! Please-- Please just sit down and we can talk-- Washington! Wait!>
<Okay, thank you. From what I have gathered, Tucker and Donut accidentally-- Wash, sit down!-- discharged a plasma rifle towards where Caboose and Lopez were. Caboose had asked him for a battery. We think Caboose may have had something that could amplify an explosion. Can you think of anytime he may have gotten something like that? Wash?>
I… yes. Okay. Yes. Um let me think.
There was a supply mission we ran the other day, Caboose was on that mission. It was at an abandoned hospital-- we stopped for those new medical supplies. Anyways, due to the nature of the mission, I had to take my eyes off of Caboose for a minute. I suppose he could have gotten something then.
< What do you think he got?>
Honestly, I have no idea. If you say the explosion was bigger than normal… what did he ask Lopez for again?
<A battery.>
Oh. I know what he had.
<You do?>
Yeah. One day at base, I taught Tucker how to make a basic field charge. Using a battery, a strong blast of energy and--
<Where did you get the soda can from, Caboose?
Oh, you see, a very nice black man gave it to me.
<I. I’m sorry?>
Yeeaaahhh, his armor was black. And he talked nice. And he gave me a can because we didn’t have any. That was nice of him I think.
<What did he say?>
He said! To put a battery in it! And hit it with! An orange gun! And it will make BIIIG fireworks and happiness! For everyone!
<Caboose, this is very important. Where did you see this man?>
On the supply run. He talked to me when I walked into a dark room. I said ‘I do not think I should be talking to you. You are wearing black. And Church said to shoot anyone who’s black. Except for Tucker.’ But he said ‘no, no. I am your friend.’ And I got very happy, because I like friends. And he gave me the can and told me about the sparkles. I knew he was right because Washington had told Tucker about the sparkles one time. And Tucker said something about orange glowing guns, so I went with him.
<Oh dear. Okay, well thank you Caboose. If you’ll excuse me, I need to find Ms. Kimball-->
Um.
<Yes, Caboose?>
Um. Will I… will I be in trouble for this? Because… I don’t like it when people are mad at me. It makes me sad. And Washingtub is already angry, stomping around shouting about laps. And I don’t want anyone else to be angry.
<Caboose, listen to me. None of this is your fault. You were tricked, by a bad man, who wants to do bad things. You won’t get in trouble… mostly. Now I’m sorry, but I really need to go see the General. Okay?>
Okay.
<Thank you.>