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Chapter Text

Some days were just made for everything to go wrong. Some days were just out to get you. This had been one of those days.

It started well enough, but soon Severus came to realize it was one of those days just made for mistakes and mishaps. Students’ cauldrons boiled over every other minute. A stuffy smell of burnt herbs filled the classroom. Even his best students managed to mess something up.

Harry had also not been wound down enough after lunch for a nap. Which would most likely lead to a very grumpy little boy later in the day.

So while he rushed around the classroom—trying to prevent one accident after the other, taking points away and berating students for misusing ingredients—he also had to keep an eye on Harry.

Thankfully the students seemed to have noticed his bad temper and tried to not agitate him further. Though that wasn’t enough on a day like this. He could practically feel his patience running out of him, covering the room in a tense atmosphere.

He had just left the potion cupboard—after trying to salvage what he could from a bottle of salamander eyes that a student had dropped–when he saw it. A disaster bound to happen.

He was too far away to do anything about it. He could only watch, as in less than half a second, a potion was about to practically explode.

With Harry a few feet away.

He’d been by Severus’ desk just a minute before.

The potion boiled over violently, like an erupting volcano spewing hot dark orange goo into the air. He shouted Harry’s name, but it was too late. Harry looked up, freezing in horror when large sizzling bits of the potion came flying towards him.

Severus' heart stopped.

“How could you be so reckless? Stupid boy, I’ve told you wandering about the classroom unsupervised can be dangerous!” Severus said.

Harry sat on the hospital bed staring at his feet as Severus scolded him. Wet tear tracks were visible on his reddened cheeks and colourful plasters on his elbows. A wrinkled parchment lay next to him on the bed that Harry had clutched before Severus had grabbed him and carried him to the hospital wing.

On the next bed over sat a student. A fifth-year Gryffindor. Her arms wrapped up in bandages with an odd-smelling paste underneath.

She’d jumped in front of Harry, thus protecting him from being burnt. Most of the potion had hit her outer robes, which she’d quickly shrugged off, and hadn’t been hurt too bad. Mostly a few scorch marks on her arms and a few of the lower strands of her long hair burnt off.

Harry had fallen after being pushed out of the way, but otherwise, he was unharmed. Only a couple of scratched elbows and a bruise or two.

She’d saved him. Because Severus hadn’t been able to. He’d been too far away. Too distracted. Too careless.

“Never do that again. See what almost happened,” Severus continued. “If it hadn’t been for Miss Richards you could’ve been seriously burnt.”

Harry curled up more as Severus scolded him. But Severus had been so scared. He’d only seen a blur of black covering his view of Harry when it happened. Once he arrived at Harry’s side he found him crying on the floor. He hadn’t known if he’d been seriously hurt or not.

“Now Severus, don't be too hard on the boy,” Minerva said from where she stood next to her injured student's hospital bed. “I'm sure Harry didn't mean any harm.”

Severus took a big breath, trying to calm himself down. She was right. But he could still feel his blood rushing through his body. Fear of what could have happened still held him in a chokehold.

“Why did you wander around the classroom, Harry?” Severus asked.

Harry shuffled a bit in his seat before reaching for the crinkly parchment next to him. He had it out towards Severus slowly, still not quite meeting his eyes.

“I wanted to give you it,” he said.

Severus looked down at the parchment, taking it from Harry. It had scribbles that vaguely resemble people on it. It looked like any other drawing he got from Harry on a usual day.

He sighed.

“You still shouldn’t have put yourself in danger. Next time, wait until I’m available to give it to me,” Severus said.

Harry only nodded.

He looked so small on the bed. Severus noticed a burnt black hole in the side of Harry’s shirt. He knew it hadn’t hurt him, but it had been close. Too close.

His jaw tightened.

“Professor McGonagall, Madame Pomfrey, could you look after Harry for a moment? I need to speak to Dumbledore,” he asked them, turning around.

Minerva agreed, offering to take Harry back to his and Severus' quarters in the meantime. Knowing Harry was in good hands, he thanked her and left swiftly.

“This can’t continue! It had already gone on for too long.” Severus was pacing back and forth in front of Dumbledore’s desk.

His loud voice woke a few of the slumbering portraits on the walls. They grumbled at the loud noise before falling back asleep.

“Severus, aren’t you overreacting a bit now-” Dumbledore tried to calm him down.

“Harry almost got hurt. He could’ve been burned! I can’t keep an eye on him and teach, it’s hard enough with only these dimwitted students-”

“I’m sure we can find some solution to this problem,” Dumbledore cut him off.

“The boy needs a real home, Albus. He can’t stay here forever.”

Dumbledore looked at him over the brim of his glasses. His elbows leaning on his desk with hands clasped as he tried to read Severus. Far too often did he feel like a bug being examined under a microscope when talking to Dumbledore about serious matters.

“There’s no one who can-” Dumbledore started to say.

“That’s a lie,” Severus snapped. “You’ve had months. I’m sure there’s one —if not several— more fitting homes for him.”

Dumbledore didn’t seem convinced, but he also didn’t argue. He didn’t defend himself.

“He’s growing more and more attached each day,” Severus continued. “Waiting only makes future separation harder.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Dumbledore said.

When Severus got back to his quarters he was met with Harry’s voice. Harry sat on the living room floor, surrounded by five of his stuffed toys, while Minerva sat on the sofa with a cup of tea in her hands. It seemed like Harry was entertaining Minerva more than the other way around. He talked about his toys, telling stories about them and gesturing wildly. Minerva listened patiently with an amused smile playing on her lips.

“Oh, hello Severus,” she said when she heard him arrive. “Did your talk with Dumbledore go well?”

“Better than anticipated,” Severus said.

She nodded, taking a sip of her tea. He was glad she didn’t pry. At least she had the decency to not do so with Harry around.

Harry rose from the floor and rushed over to him, tugging on his cloak. “Severus?”

“Yes, Harry?”

“I’m sorry,” Harry said, looking up at him.

“What are you sorry for?” he asked.

“I didn’t mean to get hurt. I’m sorry I was a burden,” Harry said.

Severus felt his heart constrict. He didn’t want Harry to think he was a burden. But knowing his background, Severus wasn’t surprised that Harry came to this conclusion.

“It’s alright. Just don’t do it again. I want you to be safe,” Severus said. “And you’re never a burden.”

Harry seemed to contemplate his words before nodding. “So… You’re not mad?”

“I’m not mad at you Harry,” he said and got a timid smile from Harry. He wasn’t mad at Harry. He was mad at himself, and partly Dumbledore. He was mad at the whole situation. But he didn’t think Harry could understand the difference. “So, what have you two been up to?”

The distraction worked as he’d expected.

“I showed my stuffed animals. Oh, and we saw a toad!” Harry said, updating Severus on what he’d missed.

“Really? Another?” Severus couldn’t quite keep his sarcasm out of his voice. He could see Minerva's smirk out of the corner of his eye. Thankfully Harry took his words to mean he was interested.

“Yes! On the stairs!” Harry said, practically bouncing. Then he stopped and his smile changed to a pout. “But Peeves scared it. So it went away.”

“How unfortunate,” Severus said, trying to sound sincere. Though Harry had a bad habit of wanting to pet every animal he met.

Why Hogwarts still allowed students to bring pets, Severus couldn’t understand. As if having a bunch of children running around all over the place wasn’t enough. (Then again, why no one had chased away Peeves didn’t make much sense either.) Still, Harry was always excited to happen upon a toad or cat in the corridor.

As long as he didn’t bring them back to their quarters, Severus thought it was alright.

The rest of the week went better. The days went more according to plan, with only minor mishaps. Harry didn’t wander around again and seemed more careful when being close to potions. Things were going so well that Severus almost forgot what he’d asked Dumbledore.

That was until late Friday afternoon when he got words that Dumbledore wanted to see him.

When he arrived at the headmaster’s office, he got the news. Dumbledore had found a family that could be fitting for Harry.

Who knew Dumbledore could be so efficient when he wanted to be? Less than a week and he’d found a couple.

Severus felt mildly shocked by it but refused to feel sombre. This was for Harry. It was for the best. Soon he’d have a good family to take care of him. Away from loud teenagers, busy Professors and tricky staircases.

Away from dangerous potions.

Perhaps he’d have a garden to play in? That he could go out into by himself. With a calm play pond instead of a lake filled with creatures. A tree with a swing instead of a tree that swung at you.

It was for the best, he told himself and ignored the uncomfortable feeling in his chest.

Harry didn’t seem to think it was for the best.

He didn’t shout, scream or argue, as Severus told him the news. Instead, he quietly listened with an oddly blank face. He didn’t react much at all.

“Will you at least meet with them?” Severus asked since the boy didn’t seem eager exactly.

Harry was quiet for a moment before asking, “Do I have to?”

“We can’t force you,” Severus said. Harry had a hard time trusting new people so he knew this would be hard for the boy. “But I’ll be there with you the whole time. Dumbledore says they’re nice.”

Harry didn’t seem convinced, but after a bit more coaxing from Severus he agreed to at least meet them.

It was a sunny day the first time they met. The air was slightly chilly, but the early spring sun warmed what it could reach.

Severus dressed Harry in a warm sweater—blue with a white and brown hippogriff on it–so he wouldn’t be cold. They met outside, hoping it would make Harry not feel cornered and make the situation feel less forced.

Dumbledore was there to introduce them

The couple—Mr and Mrs Johnston—were nice. Both half-bloods with muggle relatives. No pure-blood extremist ties. They didn’t have any children yet, but regularly babysat their nephew that was a couple of years older than Harry.

They didn’t push Harry to talk to them. They asked simple questions about what he liked to do, letting Harry take his time to answer. If they were bothered by Harry’s rather short answers it didn’t show.

Severus didn’t miss the way Harry hovered as close to him as he could without touching. At first, it was to be expected, but even as he seemed to warm up slightly he still didn’t move an inch away from Severus.

Severus didn’t want to rush Harry, but he also didn’t want to hinder the boy from getting to know the Johnstons.

“Harry, why don’t you go explore the grounds a bit with Mr and Mrs Johnston?” Severus asked.

He patted Harry’s back a couple of times to encourage him. Harry hesitated but took a few steps forward. Mrs Johnston took the opportunity to ask Harry if he wanted to go look at a few snowdrops that bloomed not far away.

He agreed, but left slowly, looking back at Severus a few times as he left.

They were still close by. Severus could still make out what they said if he focused hard. Harry seemed very tense at first but brightened up as he started to inspect the flowers.

“Are you sure they’re reliable?” Severus murmured to Dumbledore who had appeared at his side.

“I wouldn't have invited them if that wasn't the case,” Dumbledore said.

Even if he hadn’t believed Dumbledor—which he did—the way the couple smiled brightly as they interacted with Harry was telling enough. He sighed.

A whoop could be heard through the air and they all turned to see students flying by the quidditch pitch. Harry stood up straight, staring in wonder at the distant figures hovering in the air.

“Do you like flying?” Mr Johnston asked Harry.

Harry nodded eagerly, seemingly having a hard time taking his eyes off the flying students.

“I do too,” Mr Johnston said. “I actually play a bit on an amateur quidditch team. Perhaps I could help you learn how to fly someday?”

It was the first hint at any type of future any of them had mentioned that day. Even though everyone knew why they met, no one had mentioned the potential future life Harry could have. Until now.

Harry stared up at him with wonder.

“You could?” Harry asked.

Mr Johnston nodded.

Harry seemed to warm up to them a bit more after that. Talking more, first about flying. He then moved a bit further from where Severus stood to look at more flowers while Mrs Johnston told him what they were called.

Eventually though, Harry became tired. He made his way back to Severus, ending up sitting next to him. The Johnston’s caught up for a moment talking to Dumbledore.

It seemed Harry had decided he was done for the day.

“Did you have fun?” Severus asked.

Harry looked up at him before shrugging. Then he started to drag his hands through the dirt and grass nearby.

“I’m hungry,” Harry said.

The Johnstons left shortly afterwards. Thanking Harry for meeting them and saying they hoped they could meet again soon.

Harry had gotten quieter again.

Harry was very sceptical the first time he was supposed to meet the Johnstons without Severus' company. They’d only met a couple more times.

Harry did seem to enjoy talking to the Johnstons, but he always ended up back where he started. Next to Severus. Sometimes even holding onto his cloak as if he was afraid to let go.

As much as Severus wanted what was best for Harry, he couldn’t get rid of the feeling of warmth and pride he felt when Harry always ended up beside him in the end. When he got tired or hungry or just bored he returned to Severus' side.

But this morning Harry had left to go see the Johnstons without Severus for the first time. They were going to Hogsmeade, Minerva joining them as a chaperone.

She’d jokingly told Severus he could probably do with some alone time after looking after Harry for so long. He had people that could occasionally take care of Harry, but most of it had been because of something he needed to do, and not necessarily for time alone.

Even though Minerva had been joking, he had taken her words quite seriously. He hadn’t planned anything work-related to do while Harry was gone.

Instead, he picked out that book he’d been meaning to read for far too long but hadn’t gotten around to yet. And when Harry had left he picked it up.

Only to find it quite tedious. After what felt like an eternity he gave up on it, thinking it was idiotic to try and force himself to read something he wasn’t in the mood for.

He checked the time. Only to see a mere three-quarters of an hour had passed since Harry left. He sighed.

Instead, he searched up his old potion experimenting notebooks. He’d always enjoyed coming up with new drafts or ways to improve current ones.

It went better than reading the book at first. He poured himself a glass of Brandy—not that he usually drank this early in the day, but he enjoyed the taste. He rarely drank nowadays, only the occasional glass when Harry had gone to sleep.

He read through his potion notebooks. Scratching down notes in the margins while taking sips from his glass. He mostly added information he’d picked up over the years and more detailed definitions of ingredients.

After not too long this too started to bore him, to his surprise. He usually found it calming, but now he found himself having a hard time focusing. Instead, his mind wandered away, wondering what Harry was doing and if he was having a good time. He’d only drunk half his glass of brandy, but didn’t feel much like finishing it anymore.

It was around lunchtime. Well, a bit of an early lunch, but it wasn’t like he had anything better to do.

Severus left his notebooks and made his way to the kitchen.

He was just about to call out to Harry that it was lunchtime when he paused. His mouth was open, but no sound came out. Harry wasn’t home. How stupid of him. Even if he didn’t remember, the silence in the apartment screamed of desolation.

He contemplated eating in The Great Hall, but he honestly preferred the silence over getting his ears abused by loud teenagers. He shook his head and started to prepare his lunch for one.

As he ate he still couldn’t quite keep his thoughts of how empty it was without Harry there out of his mind. But that was nonsense. He knew this day would come eventually. Soon it’d be like this all the time.

The rest of his time alone went by just as slowly.

One late evening Severus was just passing by Harry's room when he heard something.

As always, Harry's door was slightly ajar. He heard the sound of sheets moving and paused for a moment. Then he heard it again.

Slowly, Severus pushed the door open more. It didn’t make a sound, but a streak of light from the hall shone inside.

He looked into the dusky room and saw a lump on the bed moving slightly.

Then he heard a weak whimper.

Severus walked slowly closer to the bed, worried that Harry might be having a nightmare.

“Harry?” he asked in a low voice, before gently lifting part of the thick duvet.

He was met with the sight of Harry, curled up in his duvet, with quiet tears running down his cheeks.

“Harry, what’s wrong?” he asked, sitting lightly on the edge of the bed. “Did you have a nightmare? Are you hurt?”

Harry shook his head, before hiding his head in his knees, arms wrapped around himself.

He looked so small. He took up almost no space, excluding the duvet. Severus didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what was wrong. He didn’t know how to comfort. This was very far from his expertise.

He lifted his hand, hovering hesitantly, before patting Harry’s head. Even his rather slim and bony hand seemed huge compared to Harry as he rested it on the tousled black hair.

“I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong,” he said.

He tried not to sound too gruff, but his voice wasn’t meant for ‘gentle’. Even when he tried to speak calmingly it sounded more like a subtle threat to his own ears. He just hoped that wasn’t what Harry picked up on.

Harry sobbed a few times before peaking up at Severus. He mumbled something, mixed with a hiccup, that Severus couldn’t quite make out.

“I can’t hear you when you mumble,” Severus said.

Harry lifted his head a bit more but started down at his knees as he tried to answer again.

“I don’t want to leave,” Harry said.

Severus froze his patting for a moment. Harry let out another sob and dried some tears and snot from his face with his hand.

“Harry...” Severus trailed off, unsure what to say to comfort the little child.

He couldn’t find the right words. He needed to fix it, but he couldn’t. He didn’t often feel guilt for making children—students—cry, but this was different.

“Why do I have to leave?” Harry continued to murmur. “Don’t you want me here?”

“Harry, you know that’s not it,” Severus tried to explain. “Don’t you like the Johnstons? Don’t you think they’re nice?”

Harry was about to shake his head but shrugged instead.

“So, you do like them?”

Another shrug.

Severus sighed.

Harry fidgeted with the hem of his pant leg, still staring at his knees.

“Can I really come visit? Whenever I want to?” he asked.

Despite the tears and snot and occasional sobs, Harry tried to keep his voice steady. It made Severus' heartache for so many reasons. Then big tears fell down Harry’s cheeks again and he let out another hiccup. Severus could see how hard he was trying to keep the sobs in but failed miserably.

“Yes,” Severus said. “I promised, didn't I?”

Harry nodded.

It still didn’t feel like enough. All he could think about was that Harry seemed so sad and it felt like Severus' fault. It was Severus' fault. He needed to at least soften the hurt for Harry.

“If you don’t like the Johnstons we’d never force you to live with them, Harry,” Severus said. “We don’t wish for you to be unhappy. You know that right?”

Harry seemed to contemplate his words for a moment.

“Okay,” Harry whispered.

Then Harry scooted closer to Severus, leaning into his side.

Severus let his arm rest lightly around Harry so he wouldn’t fall off the bed. Harry slowly relaxed and snuggled closer to his side. The thick duvet still covered more than half of him.

How long they sat like that Severus wasn’t sure. He heard Harry’s breathing calm down.

When Harry had fallen asleep and was softly dozing, Severus carefully moved Harry to lie down. He tucked Harry under the duvet again, moving slowly to not wake the little child. After a moment of hesitation, he also put Harry’s snake plushie and put it under the boy’s arm. Harry hugged it closer in his sleep before going still again.

He cast a second look at the sleeping boy before leaving him to sleep in peace.

Severus walked quickly up the stairs to Dumbledore’s office and rapped on the big door. He didn’t have to wait long for the door to swing open and let him inside.

He was just about to open his mouth to speak when Dumbledore cut him off.

“Ah, Severus! I needed to speak with you,” he said.

Severus deflated slightly but hoped that what the old man had to say would be short

“Concerning what, headmaster?”

“I just got word from the Johnstons,” he said. “They have enjoyed their ‘playdates’ with Harry. It seems like they practically adore him.”

Severus felt his blood freeze.

“Albus, I-” Severus started to say, but Dumbledore cut him off again.

“Sadly, they told me they can’t take in little Harry,” he said.

It was as if in less than a minute he’d heard the worst and the best news in his life. In Several ways.

“Is there any particular reason for this or…?” Severus asked.

He felt like he sounded rather nitwitted, but Dumbledore was good at throwing curve quaffles that caught one off guard. Severus had gotten used to handling them quite well but this was a bit out of the ordinary.

Dumbledore stood up from behind his desk, making his way around it.

“They didn’t think it’s what’s best for Harry. They don’t want him to move in with them unless it feels thoroughly right.”

Severus tried to wrap his head around it. Perhaps something had happened during their last meeting. Though Minerva had been there the whole time and told him all went well.

“Now, I’m sure we can continue to look for another fitting family for Harry,” Dumbledore said. “It’ll take some time, but I’m sure we’ll eventually find the right family.”

“Perhaps… not right away. It’s been a lot for Harry lately,” Severus said. “I don’t think introducing more new people would be good for him right now.”

Dumbledore looked at him for a moment before answering. “Very well.”

When Severus left he felt like a weight had lifted off his chest.

Then he remembered he still needed to tell Harry that the Johnstons had rejected him. Though in a slightly kinder way.

Severus crouched in front of Harry, where he’d been playing on the floor, and explained to him as gently as he could that the Johnstons couldn’t take him in. He tried to make sure Harry didn’t feel unwanted. As he heard himself explain it out loud he wondered if he really was the best fit for this. Perhaps someone else should’ve delivered the news. Minerva probably would’ve done it more efficiently, without using half the dictionary and sounding chronically grumpy.

Harry didn’t seem to mind. He didn’t seem very saddened by the news at all. Actually, he carried a slight smile.

“So I can stay?” he asked as soon as Severus was done talking.

“Yes. At least for now,” Severus said.

Harry threw himself at Severus, hugging him tightly. (His arms holding around Severus's neck in such a tight grip he was nearly strangled.) He caught Harry’s weight, mostly by instinct, arms coming around Harry so he wouldn’t fall.

He felt Harry squeeze him a bit closer. And Severus didn’t hate it.

Then he said it. He didn’t really think it just, sort of slipped out.

“Harry. How would you feel about maybe staying permanently?”

Harry went tense, before letting go of him so he could stare up at Severus; his mouth open and eyes wide.

“Like, forever?”

“Something like that,” Severus said.

Big tears welled up in Harry’s eyes before running down his chubby cheeks. Severus panicked for a moment fearing he’d said something wrong. But then Harry hugged him again, snuggling into his shirt. Severus felt the wetness from tears (and probably snot) through his shirt, but he didn’t care.

“Promise?” Harry asked.

“Promise,” Severus answered.

He thought he didn’t think before asking Harry to stay permanently. But that wasn’t fully true. He thought about it all the time. When Harry ran around excited to see another pet in the corridor, When Harry explored the castle grounds, jumping from one spot to another.

He thought about it when Harry always ended up back by his side at the end of the day.

He thought about it when he was alone for the first time in a month, and all he could notice was the deadly silence.

He thought about it when he tried to console a crying little boy in the middle of the night.

And when he said it. Nothing had ever felt more like the right decision.