Chapter Text
spooder-man @NYCWallCrawler
someone murder me before i have to deal with giving that speech
mj @michellejones
you could just jump off the building
meme overlord @no
do a flip
i’m in @NedLeeds
i’ve got bleach if you want it
we’re connected @potatogun
steal some of tony’s weapons, he has a lot
we’re connected @potatogun
i would offer my potato gun but eh
we’re connected @potatogun
it kinda makes a mess
“Sorry honeybear, but I’m gonna have to cancel.” Putting down his phone, Tony looked at Rhodey apologetically.
“You mean to tell me that you’re cancelling something that we’ve had planned for months? I went to Pepper to ask for your schedule, and she’s terrifying. So I know for a fact you’re free.”
“Well, something just came up. I’ve gotta go, see you later.” Tony got up and walked out of the room, vanishing from sight. Sighing, Rhodey got up to chase after him.
“Tones, you can’t just run off to avoid confrontation--” Rhodey’s sentence trailed off when he caught sight of Tony talking to a kid. A kid with curly brown hair and doe eyes and who seemed practically dead on his feet.
Rhodey couldn’t hear much of the conversation but he decided it would be best to give them their privacy, even if he’s going to hold the fact that Tony has a kid over him for the rest of his life. Though, on his way out, Rhodey did catch a glimpse of Tony wrapping a blanket around the kid, and heard the faintest whisper of a “dad?” (and some mumbled words from Tony about “stupid kids” with “106 degree fevers” that “don’t tell anyone until their amino acids are being denatured” but that isn’t the point)
“Hey, FRI, who’s the kid?”
“I’m afraid that’s not my secret to tell.”
Rhodey sighed. “I figured as much. Do you have a file at least?”
“No comment.”
“Aha! So you do! Do I have access?”
“No comment.”
Rhodey grinned conspiratorially. “This’ll be fun.”
*****
Rhodey, like anyone who just found out their best friend had a secret son and hid it from them for who knows how long, waited in the living room to confront Tony. Tony, who had the gall to walk into the room like nothing had happened.
“So, Tony, have anything you want to tell me?”
“Of course not, honeybear. I tell you everything. Like that time I was flying around in a tin can and you and your army buddies were trying to shoot me down.”
Rhodey leaned back in his chair. “So you don’t have a secret kid or anything? Nothing of the sort?”
Tony inhaled sharply and looked at Rhodey. “I don’t have a kid. I don’t know what you think you saw but I only have an intern.”
“Last I checked, you don’t do interns.”
“Well obviously I do, since I have one.”
“A fourteen year-old intern?”
“He’s sixteen.”
Rhodey clapped his hands together and smiled evilly at Tony. “And, pray tell, why do you know your intern’s age?”
“Can’t I be a good boss and know the age of one of my employees?”
“No.”
“I feel… attacked, was it?” Tony glanced up at the ceiling, likely to get confirmation from FRIDAY. After the metaphorical thumbs up from the AI, Tony continued. “Why am I not allowed to know my intern’s age?”
“Because you barely know your own age, let alone other people’s.”
After a moment of silence, Tony said, “Moving on, why exactly were you spying on me?”
“Hey! You can’t just change the subject when you don’t have anything to say.”
“I’m not changing the subject, why would you think I’m changing the subject?”
“You’re an idiot if you think I’m falling for that. Tell me why you won’t admit you’re close to the kid.”
“I never said I wasn’t close to the kid, I just said he wasn’t my son.”
“But you think of him like a son.”
Tony hesitated a beat before saying, “No.”
“You hesitated! That was a hesitation. You know, you could’ve told me earlier. We would’ve thrown a baby shower, gotten the “It’s a boy!” decorations, the whole shtick. We could still do that now. FRI, you getting this?”
“Yes, I’ve saved it to the file.”
Tony glanced up at the ceiling to ask, “What file?”
FRIDAY at least sounded a bit guilty as she responded, “No comment.”
“I’ve been betrayed by my own creations. To think I had faith in your code. And you!” Tony pointed at Rhodey accusingly. “How dare you corrupt her like that? I’ll leave you to Pepper’s mercy.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“I won’t hesitate, bitch.” Tony paused before muttering, “That’s what Peter keeps saying, right? ‘I won’t hesitate bitch?’”
“So his name is Peter?”
“No?”
“It is, then.”
“This has been fun, honeybear, but I have to go.” Tony got up, leaving behind a confused and slightly alarmed Rhodey.
“Why do you keep leaving when I’m right?” He called out after Tony. “And also, didn’t you say the kid has a 106 degree fever earlier? Shouldn’t he be in the hospital?”
Alas, Tony ignored his questions.
*****
Despite his curiosity, Rhodey didn’t go looking for Peter. He knew that Tony didn’t want to admit that he was practically the kid’s father, and he didn’t want to intrude on the kid’s privacy until he was ready. But, he can’t really blame himself if it was an accident. At least, that’s what he’s going to tell Tony.
About a month after he found out about Peter, Rhodey happened to walk into the living room whilst a kid was playing Minecraft on the TV. Based on how he looked exactly the same as the first time Rhodey saw him, Rhodey was fairly certain that the kid was Peter.
“Goddamnit, you stupid villagers! Just go in the fucking hole and don’t be motherfucking idiots! I would’ve murdered your asses a long while ago, but apparently you don’t like murder and you’ll jack up your already overpriced prices! Just give me the fucking enderpearls so I can stab that overgrown lizard flying around in a void!”
Correction, he was wondering if Tony had adopted two kids, completely identical to each other.
“Are you Peter?”
Possibly Peter spun around with an innocent look on his face, reminiscent of the first time Rhodey saw him. “Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. You’ll never know.” And with that, he turned back to trying to shove a villager into a small hole in the ground; a task that, unfortunately, didn’t seem to be going well for him.
“So I’m just supposed to believe that Tony adopted identical twins?”
“Yes.” Probably Not Peter thought for a second before saying, “wait, no. I’m not his kid.”
“So I’ve heard.”
“From Mr. Stark? At least, that’s what I’d guess from you knowing my name.”
“So your name is Peter.”
Peter hesitated before saying, “no?”
“Are you sure you’re not his kid? You just did the exact same thing as him when I asked him about you.”
“Pretty sure, yeah.”
“You know, family doesn’t end in blood. You can make it whatever you want, it’s strange like that.”
“Normally I’d be all for sentimental things like that, but there are villagers to be killed, so…”
Rhodey smiled. “Alright then. See you ‘round, Peter.” He turned around to walk out of the room
“Wait, Mr. Col. Rhodes War Machine, sir!” Peter called out after him. Smiling softly at Rhodey, he said, “Thanks.”
“Any time, kid. Any time.”