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Published:
2018-12-08
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3,237
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1/1
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last night i tried to hit on my best friend's uncle

Summary:

"You think I should go talk to him?" Jingyi asks eagerly.
"He looks… Angry."
"So is that a yes?" Jingyi asks eagerly. Before an answer can be forthcoming, he already gets up, tugging on the bottom of his shirt and running a hand through his curly hair. "How do I look?"
Sizhui's pained smile is worth a thousand words.

Notes:

I wrote this in one sitting instead of sleeping
It's too late for Jingyi Day...
But let's just pretend

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

"Ah, Sizhui…" groans Jingyi pitifully, fingers catching in his friend's sleeve. "My head hurts so much!"

Sizhui sighs. "I mean, I did tell you not to drink…" he begins, but sighs again and hands Jingyi a glass of water and an Advil. "Drink it slowly," he says. "And lay down." He sits down next to Jingyi on the couch and sympathetically pats his arm. "Your genetics aren't really meant for heavy drinking. Both of your uncles and your grandpa have n alcohol intolerance."

"But my personality is made for partying, unlike them!" whines Jingyi. "And it was so much fun! Up until I passed out."

"The first time or the second time?"

"Uh, what do you mean, the second time?"

/

Jingyi zeroes in on the guy as soon as he sits down at the bar. The guy in question is tall, well-built, well-dressed in a sharp suit, and frowning like the whole world is pissing him off just by existing. Jingyi elbows Sizhui. "Look. Hot older guy. On your six."

Sizhui hides a sigh as he turns to look. "Where?"

"That guy! Hot, in a suit, at the bar, right there!"

"Is his suit purple?"

"It's really dark, maybe."

“That’s more like nine than six.” Sizhui tries not to sigh again. "Yes, I see him. So, what about him?" he asks.

"You think I should go talk to him?" Jingyi asks eagerly.

"He looks… Angry."

"So is that a yes?" Jingyi asks eagerly. Before an answer can be forthcoming, he already gets up, tugging on the bottom of his shirt and running a hand through his curly hair. "How do I look?"

Sizhui's pained smile is worth a thousand words. He takes a sip of water. "You look fine but-"

"Wish me luck!" chirps Jingyi. He crosses the bar to reach the guy in the dark purple suit. I know how to flirt. I've watched tons of movies like this!

Leaning in a smooth, cool way against the bar beside the man, leaning his elbows on it and crossing his legs, Jingyi tires to wink. He ends up blinking enthusiastically, but it's not embarrassing because the man doesn't even look up at him.

"So!" says Jingyi loudly, "Come here often?"

The man slowly looks over, and then raises his eyebrows. "No," he says, glowering. "I hate bars."

Jingyi falters. This is not how it goes in movies! "Oh! Uh, yeah. Same. Totally."

The man snorts derisively, and downs his drink, finishing it entirely. Jingyi watches the man's throat bobs with every swallow, and swallows also, his mouth feeling quite dry. Slamming down the glass onto the table, the man looks over at Jingyi, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

Jingyi's cheeks feel suspiciously warm, but he forges on with determination. "Oh! Let me buy you a drink!"

"I'm not stopping you," the man says.

That's… Good? Right? Jingyi grins. "Alri-ight! Two of- Of those, please!" He's a little embarrassed that he forgets the word, but he regains his feet easily, spitting out a phrase he's also heard in a movie. "On the rocks."

Beside him, the man softly snorts, turning away.

Jingyi looks over at him, grinning in return, and is rewarded with a glare.

"What are you looking at?" the man snaps.

"You!" Jingyi answers honestly. He tries to wink again, but it really isn't happening. "'Cause you look good," he adds, just so it can be understood.

The man's cheeks hollow and his lips press very tightly together, and he is definitely trying to stop himself from laughing or smiling. "Dumbass," he mutters.

"That's not very nice!" laughs Jingyi.

"I'm not very nice, if you haven't noticed," the man shoots back.

Jingyi doesn't know what to say, so he just laughs lightly, and then the drinks are slid across the counter to him. Orange-ish, brown-ish, clear-ish alcoholic liquid with a big chunk of ice in it is the drink that he ordered for the two of them, apparently. It smells a bit odd. I should be fine! After all, even though I've never even been in a bar or drank alcohol before, how bad can it be?

The man takes a drink. "You," he says thoughtfully, nodding at Jingyi. "What the hell are you doing?"

Jingyi pauses, because it's actually a really good question. "Uh, flirting? With- With you," he says, cheeks heating. "I… Think?" Am I doing it wrong?

"You've got shit taste," mutters the man, drinking more. He's probably already drunk.

"Uh, why?" Jingyi can only think to ask.

"Because, dumbass," the man says, turning in his seat to face Jingyi, "First of all, I've just been blacklisted within the dating world; second of all, I'm an unapologetic asshole; third of all my goddamn brother and his fucking boyfriend-" He pauses, brow furrowing in annoyance as he trails off. "What was third of all?"

Jingyi shakes his head. "You have a sense of humor! You're kinda charismatic!" He reaches out to pat the man's shoulder. "I'm sure if I get to know you better, I could describe you even more favorably!" He's not flirting anymore, he's entirely sincere and seriously wanting to cheer the man up, his eyes sparkling.

The man stares at Jingyi as if Jingyi has just grown a second head, and chokes on his drink. Coughing, he shakes his head. "Unreal," he mutters. "Absolutely unreal."

Jingyi smiles. "I'll toast at you!" he says cheerily. "To Mr. Depressingly Handsome!" he says, meeting the man's eyes.

As Jingyi raises the glass to his lips, he sees the man roll his eyes, but smile very faintly. He has a nice smile! He smiled at me!

And then-

Fuckfuckfuckfuckingfuck- It burns! I wanna cough but not in front of this guy- Argh, my head hurts! It's too cold! What the fuck-

And then the world turns black.

/

"That was when I passed out, I'm pretty sure," Jingyi says, a little sheepishly.

Sizhui laughs a little. “No, you woke up almost immediately. You really don’t remember?”

“I didn’t seriously get blackout drunk from one glass of… Whatever that was?” Jingyi says, putting his head in his hands. “That’s so embarrassing!”

Sizhui shakes his head. “That is barely embarrassing compared to what happened next…” he says. He winces. “Do you want me to tell you, or…?”

Jingyi stiffens. “W-wait, what did I do?”

“I’ll get you some more water,” Sizhui says. “And make sure you’re sitting down.”

/

Sizhui watches Jingyi try to flirt with the purple-suited man, and then down an entire glass of whisky, sighing gently all the way. He also watches Jingyi’s eyes roll back in his head as he sets the glass down.

Jingyi almost crumples to the floor, but the man catches him by the arm and drags him up, half out of his seat.

“Oh, god,” sighs Sizhui almost running over. He offers an awkward smile to the man, wrapping an arm around Jingyi’s shoulders to keep him upright, his friend slumping heavily against him. “I’m sorry, about my friend,” he says politely.

The man snorts. “The hell kind of dumbass passes out after one drink?” he mutters.

Sizhui’s eyebrow twitches. He keeps his tone perfectly polite and his smile sunnily wide as he inclines his head. “I’m sorry that it caused you an inconvenience, but I’m sure you would understand, sir, especially since your tie pin is on your lapel and you’ve lost one of your cufflinks.”

“Shit, really?” the man exclaims, looking down and realizing that Sizhui is, in fact, correct. He looks up with a glare.

Before either Sizhui or the man can say anything, Jingyi groans. Some of the weight across Sizhui’s shoulders shifts, and Jingyi blinks blearily at the both of them. “Hey!” he says cheerfully.

“Oh, you’re awake?” Sizhui says, relieved. “Perhaps we should leave?”

“The… The party’s jus’ getting started!” Jingyi slurs, grinning, and then looking over at the other man. “Let’s drink some more!”

“Are you going to pass out after every drink? Because no thanks,” the man says dryly, folding his arms over his chest.

Jingyi pouts, pulling free of Sizhui and stumbling closer to the man. “You’re so… So mean…” he whines. He smiles, swatting at the man’s arm, but instead hits his chest. “It’s hot.”

The man sighs loudly, rolling his eyes up towards the ceiling and looking away, cheeks hollowing as he seems to suppress a sigh? annoyance? possibly a smile? Sizhui can’t tell. “You’re ridiculous.”

“No, I’m… I’m flirting,” says Jingyi defensively.

Sizhui covers his face with one hand, as if that will hide his second-hand embarrassment. It doesn’t.

“D’you… D’you come here often?” asks Jingyi, waving a vague hand at the man and smiling dopily.

“You already said that,” the man says.

“I forgot…” Jingyi sighs. He turns to the bartender. “Hey, can I have more of that stuff? With… With rocks in it?” He smiles, leaning heavily on the counter. “It tastes really bad… But I feel really happy!” His smile is wide, and shining very brightly in a very Jingyi way. He tilts his head to the side. “D’you feel really happy?”

The man rolls his eyes again. “No,” he says.

Jingyi pouts at him. “That’s… Not gonna fly!” He pokes the man emphatically in the chest a few times. “I’m gonna make you be happy,” he says forcefully.

The man stubbornly sticks his chin out. “Oh yeah?” he growls.

“Yeah!” yells Jingyi back.

“I dare you!”

Sizhui looks between the two of them with a mixture of second-hand embarrassment for both of them, and an overwhelming feeling of disbelief. Oh my god, he realizes, they’re perfect for each other. I wouldn’t call my best friend or a stranger I’ve not met before a dumbass, but…

“You’re on!” Jingyi retorts. He takes the glass that the bartender slides across the counter and gives it to the man. “You’ve gotta drink that, okay?” he says.

“Whatever,” the man says, taking a deep drink.

“And then you’re gonna take your jacket off and we’re gonna dance!”

“There’s no way I’m fuckin’ dancing,” the man says.

Jingyi pouts. “Karaoke!” he says. “Let’s go to karaoke!”

“No way.”

“Let’s eat fried chicken!”

Sizhui wants to interject something like, ‘How about let’s go home and leave the man alone,’ but there is no space between their words for Sizhui to insert himself politely into the conversation. Internally shrieking with how ridiculous the situation is, he stays quiet.

The man nods. “Chicken? I can stand chicken, I guess…” He looks a little bit surprised at the words coming out of his own mouth. “Just because I’m hungry, dumbass – don’t think anything else.”

For a second, Sizhui has a moment of deja-vu. I feel like I’ve heard something like this before…

“I’m really glad!” Jingyi’s overwhelmingly happy and bright smile chases the thoughts from both of their heads. Sizhui smiles because he’s happy to see his friend happy, and the bad-tempered man looks like he’s been slapped in the face.

“Hmf,” the man says, turning away and clearing his throat. “What the hell are you getting so happy about?”

/

Jingyi covers his face with both hands and burrows into the couch, muffling his noise of mental anguish. “OH my god, and then what happened?” he asks.

Sizhui sighs very loudly. “Well, then-”

/

This is a little bit surreal. Sizhui, a very drunk Jingyi, and the bad-tempered man all sit on the curb, eating fried chicken out of individual takeout containers. There are no words said except for Jingyi’s occasional exclamations of, “Mm!” and “This is so good!”

Jingyi is done with his food first, always someone who rushes. He turns to grin at the man grumpily eating chicken next to him. “Are you happier now?” he asks, slurring his words. He is genuinely sincere, a lovely trait – and while Sizhui is a little confused, embarrassed, and perhaps a little annoyed, he acknowledges the fact that his best friend is a really, really good person. “I think… I think you should be a little bit happier, right?”

The man shrugs and looks away, and in the light of the fried chicken place behind him, Sizhui can see that he’s actually a little bit embarrassed. The man shrugs again. “It’s good chicken,” he admits.

Jingyi laughs lightly, and then leans his head against the man’s shoulder, still smiling happily, closing his eyes. “I’m glad!”

The man chokes and almost drops his takeout box, and only through Sizhui’s quick reflexes of darting across and catching it is the chicken saved. “Y-you!” exclaims the man. But he makes no move to remove Jingyi from his shoulder, interestingly enough.

There is a long silence as the man simply sits there, Jingyi relaxes even more, and Sizhui sighs, looking at his watch. “It’s one in the morning. Perhaps we should get a move on?”

Jingyi cracks an eye open. “But I’m having so… So much fun!” he complains.

“Buzzkill,” darkly mutters the man.

Sizhui’s eyebrow twitches. “Excuse me?”

The man looks definitely embarrassed. He sits up straighter and pushes Jingyi’s head off his shoulder. “I said, yeah! Get the hell off of me, you chicken weirdo! I’ve got a home to go to and a nephew’s legs to break!”

Jingyi sighs. “Oka-ay…”

Sizhui helps his friend up, and the man manages to get up by himself. He digs around in his pocket for a moment, and then hands a crumpled piece of paper to Jingyi. “Here.”

Jingyi takes it. “What’s that…?”

“It’s my number, you dumbass!” the man snaps.

Did he have his own number written down so he could give it to people? wonders Sizhui. Is that a little bit embarrassing?

Jingyi grins. “I promise, I’ll call you!” he says. “And we can eat chicken together again!”

“Chicken? The hell? That time it’s gonna be my treat – and I’ll definitely make you eat something better!” the man snaps. Is he blushing?! Sizhui thinks, a little bit shocked. Where have I…?

“Okay!” says Jingyi, and smiles the bright, happy smile again.

They part ways there, and Sizhui ends up wrestling Jingyi into a cab, then leaving him on the couch until morning.

/

“He asked me out?! On a date?! To eat food?!” Jingyi exclaims, sitting bold-upright, past embarrassments entirely forgotten. “And you’re telling me you never got his name? Oh god! I have to call him, I definitely have to call him! But I don’t even know his name!”

Sizhui sighs. “You could ask him when you call,” he suggests.

“But that’s embarrassing!”

“I highly doubt it’s more embarrassing than anything else you did that night, and he still asked you out.” Sizhui is, as always, a voice of reason. His phone buzzes and he looks down at it. “Oh! Jin Ling says he’s coming over with my dads and his uncle!”

“Why?” wonders Jingyi, rubbing the back of his neck.

Sizhui sighs again. “It’s his birthday, remember?”

“Shit! What day is it?!” demands Jingyi. “Oh! Shit! I forgot!”

“You forgot to buy a present?”

“No, I bought a present last month,” Jingyi says. “I just realized that I didn’t wrap it-”

The doorbell rings. Jingyi jumps up. Sizhui also gets up. “That’ll be them,” he says.

“Stall him!” hisses Jingyi, dashing into his bedroom. “Shit, shit, shit! Where the fuck is the wrapping paper?!”

/

Wanyin massages his temples. “Happy goddamn birthday, A-Ling, now can you turn the fucking radio off?!” he growls.

His nephew grumbles something incoherent, but lowers the volume as he drives. Wuxian snorts. “What a sincere birthday wish from an uncle to his nephew…” he sighs. “It warms my heart, really it does. Doesn’t it yours, Lan Zhan?”

Lan Wangji, as usual, says nothing. For once, Wanyin is glad.

Lan Sizhui, Jin Ling’s boyfriend, is a shadowy figure in Wanyin’s memory. He’s pretty sure they’ve never met, but because Jin Ling never shuts up about him, Wanyin knows the color of the guy’s eyes, his birthday, his favorite food, and a bunch of other useless information. From Jin Ling’s descriptions, Lan Sizhui seems like a decent guy, which is why Wanyin has never felt the need to hunt him down on his own.

The apartment door is opened after one ring of the bell, and Lan Sizhui greets them politely and warmly.

The thing is, when Wanyin sees the young man’s face, he curses. Out loud. “Shit!”

Lan Sizhui turns to him. His eyes widen. “You, sir?” even in a state of shocked disbelief, he manages to keep his manners.

Jin Ling’s eyes narrow. “You’ve met?”

“Hell no,” chokes out Wanyin. Shit, shit, shit! Why do I have this kind of shitty luck?!

Lan Sizhui coughs, forcing a smile. “Ah, I must be mistaken,” he says quickly, and then ushers everyone inside, not giving time for anyone to say anything. It’s very thoughtful and polite – and Wanyin definitely has a hard time believing that Wuxian had a part in raising this kid.

Wanyin’s plummeting heart returns to its original position as he goes inside.

Lan Sizhui has the table set for Jin Ling, himself, and four others. Wanyin’s eyes narrow. “There’s an extra place,” he points out.

Lan Sizhui smiles, and it’s very, very crafty. A shiver runs down Wanyin’s spine. On second thought, he’s definitely Wei Wuxian’s kid. “Oh, that’s for my roommate!” he says cheerfully. “He’ll be out soon-”

There is a crash as someone falls out of a room adjoined to the kitchen. He’s holding a package, but his bottom half is tangled in a roll of wrapping paper. He’s cursing very colorfully, and he raises himself up on his elbows, curly hair falling over his face. “God damn it, Jin Ling!” he says. “You better appreciate this!”

Jin Ling snorts, taking the package from the young man. “Once I’ll see what’s inside, I’ll think about it,” he retorts, but he’s grinning.

The young man rises to his feet, pulling wrapping paper off himself. He blows strands of curly hair off his face and grins brightly in return, round eyes sparkling with a sunny light.

Wanyin chokes on nothing. “You?!”

The young man looks over. His eyes widen comically and he scrambles back, pointing. “You?!” he yells in reply, cheeks brightening with color.

Wuxian’s shit-eating grin sets Wanyin’s teeth on edge. “Ah? You two have met?”

“No!”

“No.”

Both the young man and Wanyin speak at the same time. The young man is vigorously shaking his head, and Wanyin draws a line across his throat with emphasis.

“Are you sure you don’t know my uncle, Jingyi?” asks Jin Ling.

“Your uncle?!” chokes Jingyi. “That guy is your uncle?!”

“You have a problem with that?” snaps Wanyin.

“Uh…” Jingyi says.

“I have a feeling you do know each other…” says Wuxian, scratching his head.

Lan Sizhui is calmly bringing out food and drinks, setting the table better, together with Lan Wangji. they are entirely minding their own business – like Wei Wuxian ought to!

The young man with the bright smile and sparkling eyes, Jingyi, nods vigorously. “I-I’m sure we’ve never met,” he says.

“If I say I don’t know him, and he says I don’t know him, why the hell wouldn’t you believe it, huh?” snaps Wanyin.

“Yeah!” joins in Jingyi. “I never even got his name!”

“I never got yours either,” Wanyin admits.

“Lan Jingyi!” he says, grinning that blindingly-bright grin again. “Nice to meet you!”

“Jiang Wanyin,” offers Wanyin, trying not to smile in answer. It’s hard.

Notes:

So, besides wishing to yeet this writer into the stratosphere, any thoughts?