Chapter Text
As Seokjin shuffled down the street, he felt a twisted sense of nostalgia in his purposeless steps and hollow eyes.
He's heading to YOHAN’s café now, since it's the only place he could ever think of. He has nowhere else to go. Again. For the third time now. He knows it's mean of him to ask for refuge with the Tan’s again, when he's given them so little in return.
He stared down to his shoes as he walked. They're dirty, mud and dirt staining most his feet and up his jeans. Both his exposed knees had gone a bright red, sending jots of stinging pain in each step he takes. There are tiny cuts all over his arms.
A lifetime ago, he used to be someone – an actual someone. He had a family of seven that he cares so deeply about. In his mind and heart, he still remembers the way they smile at him, the way their voices exclaim ‘hyung!’ with bright grins and bright eyes. Seokjin craves for those moments. He still wishes he could say sorry to them, for falling apart so much and over and over again.
“Jin hyung?”
Oh, great. Now he’s hearing things. That’s just cruel, Seokjin thought as he bitterly chuckled to himself.
“Seokjin!”
Huh. Okay. Are auditory hallucinations supposed to be that real sounding or?
Seokjin looked up-
And there they are.
Namjoon, Yoongi, Jimin, Hoseok, Jungkook, and Taehyung all huddled around a table in front of the café. They all looked at him with equal amounts of disbelief. Seokjin must've looked the same. Yoongi had stood up.
Is this a dream?
Yoongi’s face morphed from disbelief, to confusion, to a relived smile that lit up his entire face. He ran to him.
“Seokjin!”
Seokjin, still frozen on his spot nearly fell backwards when he got an armful of Yoongi. He felt hands wrapping tight around him, felt the desperate need to never let go in fear that Seokjin would disappear again. He caught the scent of Yoongi’s cologne, the feeling of his soft hair brushing against his.
This can’t be real.
He heard the voices and footsteps of the others. And then everywhere around him is warmth. Their familiar presences wrapped around him like a protective veil, alive and breathing and real. Holding unto him so strongly that he felt the broken pieces inside him mend back together one by one.
“You’re- you’re here,” Seokjin gasped out, starting to believe. “You’re- wait.”
He pulled himself away, staring in shock.
“Why are you still here?!” he exclaimed frantically. “You’re supposed to be at the airport right now! You’re going to miss your flights!”
Seokjin regretted how the others looked hurt when he ripped himself away from them, and already he craves to be in their group hug once more, for far longer.
Namjoon stepped forward, held two firm hands on Seokjin’s shoulders, as if to prevent Seokjin from running away. “Hyung. We cancelled.”
Seokjin looked up to him, bewildered. “…What?”
“We cancelled the invitation,” Hoseok said, coming up next to him to put a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
“But- why would you-“
“We couldn’t leave, hyung,” Jungkook remarked timidly, his doe eyes haven’t looked away from Seokjin since their hug. “We tried to, but we couldn’t bring ourselves to leave knowing you’re still out there.”
“Also, Bang PD kind of decided this morning that we should be put in hiatus because of the way we’ve been acting lately so…” Jimin trailed off sheepishly, scratching at the back of his head.
“Aish, you guys!” Seokjin chastised. But even then he couldn’t hold down the swelling emotions inside him. Just a huge wave of remorse and relief and happiness and wanting to throw himself into to comfort he’s been so starved of for so long.
The others immediately noticed his distress, which prompted Taehyung to throw himself unto Seokjin.
“Aaww, Jin hyung!” he drawled, cuddling into his neck. “We’ve missed you so much!”
Namjoon placed a hand on his shoulder. “I’m glad you’re back,” he said with a smile before pulling both Seokjin and Taehyung into a bone crushing hug.
“Group hug part two!” exclaimed Jimin before diving right in as well, and shortly after Jungkook and Hoseok joined too.
In the middle it, Seokjin let himself be embraced. He left his wounded legs give out knowing that the arms holding him would never let him fall. Instead they will support him, pushing him higher no matter what obstacle.
He may have broken down in tears again, who knows. What he knew for sure, however, was that others held him and didn’t let go.
It felt so warm. So fulfilling. Seokjin felt more alive than he ever had in the past weeks.
”I get it now,” Seokjin whispered to his own heart.
Maybe he does have a purpose, and that purpose is this. Not to be perfect, or even staying in one piece. Even when broken apart, he is still someone. Someone who is needed. The six people surrounding him is proof of that.
I want to heal.
I want to live.
Eventually the group hug had to be separated because poor Taehyung was starting to get crushed under. When they all regain composure, Seokjin found himself locking eyes with Yoongi.
The smile on Yoongi’s face is small, but his eyes says it all. The two dark orbs radiated all the relief and wonder and love that simply cannot be described with words. He gazes at Seokjin as if he is the embodiment of the stars and the moon and all the beautifully clear melodies in the world.
“When you said there will always be space in your life for me,” Seokjin said, “did you mean it?”
“Every word.”
The maknae line refused to let go of Seokjin the entire way back the dorm. They clung to him like a stubborn koala. Seokjin didn’t mind at all.
The eldest sniffed again and brought a hand up to wipe his face. His fingers immediately felt wet.
“Wait. Shit. How long have I been crying?”
“Honestly? You were crying even before Yoongi spotted you,” Namjoon replied.
Seokjin let out a noise that was a combination of a laugh and a sob. “I’m such a baby,” he whined, rubbing at his eyes.
“Which is ironic considering you’re the oldest.”
They walked, slowly, back to the dorm. Hand in hand, none of them brave enough to let go even a moment. Even when people might’ve recognized them during the route back, none of them minded.
Eventually they made it. It’s the second time Seokjin set foot in their dorm since this all started. He observed the familiar pattern of the floor tiles, the mismatched furniture, the gigantic TV and all its various game consoles.
It’s home. Even after all this time, it still felt like home.
He sobbed again, hand shooting up to his mouth. Everyone else immediately cooed and began to crowd him. Seokjin was all in for another hug, but then a sharp pain stung his knees when something brushed against it.
“Ow!”
Jungkook flinched back, and was the first to notice the bleeding wound on Seokjin’s leg. “Hyung, your knees!”
“Ouch,” Seokjin winced. “Forgot about that.”
“Aish, Seokjin,” Yoongi said with a roll of his eyes. “C’mon, let’s go to the bathroom. I’ll help you clean up.”
Yoongi took hold of Seokjin’s hand and dragged him away. The rest of the group simultaneously decided not to follow. It’s almost like a natural reaction.
“Is it just me or is something up with those two?” Jimin pondered out loud.
“There is?” Jungkook asked.
Namjoon smirked and crossed his arms. “Well, whatever it is that’s between them, they’ll tell us eventually.” Besides him, Hoseok nodded approvingly.
“Tell us what?” Jungkook asked again. “What’s happening here?”
“You’ll understand once you’re older,” Taehyung said sagely, patting the maknae’s head.
“We’re literally only two years apart!”
“So…” Hoseok spoke up above the bickering. “What should we do now?”
“How about we start with dinner?” Namjoon suggested.
Jimin started hopping. “I want Chinese takeout!”
“Again?” groaned Hoseok. “We really need to get actual food items so Jin hyung can start cooking again, don’t we?”
“Yup,” Jungkook agreed, popping the ‘-p’.
Eventually, Namjoon called up their favorite take out restaurant. As everyone excitedly placed their orders though, they all found themselves smiling at the easy atmosphere. It's nice to have them acting like a family again, after months of endless tension and fighting. It's refreshing to be back, and hopefully this time it'll stay.
At the bathroom, Seokjin hissed when Yoongi dabbed some disinfectant on his wound.
“Stay still,” he chastised. “You really need to start taking care of yourself better, hyung.”
“You’re one to talk,” Seokjin teased before wincing again.
“Then I guess we both have a lot to learn.”
“Yeah…Yeah, we do.”
A moment later Yoongi stood up. “There. All done.” Seokjin looked down to his knee, now no longer throbbing. He was pleased to find that Yoongi had stuck a Pokémon themed band aid on the wound.
“I’ll get some of Namjoon’s clothes for you,” Yoongi said, heading out the room. “I’m sure he won’t mind. It’ll probably feel a little tight on the shoulders though, since it’s your shoulders so-“
“Wait!” Seokjin called, making Yoongi turn to him. Then, softly. “Can we talk first?”
“Uh, sure.”
“At the balcony.”
When Seokjin pulled open the sliding doors to their dorm’s balcony, they were immediately greeted with the chilling winter air. It’s already night by then and Yoongi reflectively wrapped his arm around himself to battle the cold, but Seokjin stepped right out into the open. He took his place to lean on the railing, which Yoongi tentatively followed suit.
“Beautiful, isn’t it,” said Seokjin, gazing out to the wide expanse of Seoul’s skyline. The city breathing into a new life right after the sun sets.
“Yeah.”
“Reminds me of Hawaii.”
Yoongi half shrugged. “We can go there again, if you want. We’ll pay for your tickets.”
Seokjin scoffed. “You really don’t have to-“
“Hyung. We’re literally millionaires. Let us treat you some nice things for once.”
“Well I have been missing the beach lately, not gonna lie,” he admitted.
For a moment they fell into silence. The cold air was pricking into their skin, but in a way it’s a comforting feeling. Yoongi decided he’ll never get tired of the view in front of them. Or maybe it’s because Seokjin’s beside him. Either way, it was nice.
“I’m sorry I bailed on you guys last month,” said Seokjin.
Yoongi waved an arm. “Don’t worry about it. I know what you went through is something that none of us has ever encountered before, or anyone for that matter. In fact, if it was anyone else, they’d probably already break down. You were the one who still did what you think was best.”
Seokjin smiled faintly. “Actually I did break down. A couple times.”
“You’re still much stronger than most people I know.”
The eldest tilted his head up to the sky. Yoongi saw the lights of the city reflect against his eyes.
“Yoongi…” he started. “Before I wrote that resignation letter, my biggest fear was that I’d stop feeling. I didn’t want to lose sight of the life I’ve worked so hard on to build because I found myself slowly sinking. I tried to fight it, but all that did was sink me further down. And along the way, I forgot to take a step back and breathe. I almost forgot to enjoy the warm sunlight, and the changing seasons. I almost forgot about the passion in music and the love of dancing. For a while, all I heard was constant ticking whenever we perform.”
Seokjin sighed, long and slow with months’ worth of pain.
“...And I forgot about myself. I forgot who I was, so when I couldn’t take it anymore, I wished for the world to forget me as well. Apparently, it granted that wish.
Along the way though, I realized that I was wrong. I do matter, even if it doesn’t involve being some global super star. I was so busy trying to perfect Jin of BTS that I didn’t stop to remember how Kim Seokjin is a person too.
And maybe my wish came true for a reason. Maybe the world truly doesn’t need BTS’ Jin.”
“Hyung-“
“But I don’t care anymore. Maybe the world as a whole doesn’t need me but the six of you do, and that’s all that matters. Because I need you guys too.” His mouth closed for a moment before parting again. “And, I need you, Yoongi.”
Yoongi blinked at him. “Need- like, me? Specifically?”
A slight smile tugged at the corner of Jin’s lips. “You can say it like that.” He cleared his throat. “So about that confession of yours…”
Yoongi felt his face grow hot in the matter of a second, a blush taking over his cheeks. He stammered, “Oh that? Sorry, I don’t know where that even came from. I was acting spontaneously. I mean, we can just forget about it and-“
“Thank you.”
“Your welc- wait, for what?”
Seokjin giggled. “For telling me, you idiot. I appreciate it, really. Back then, all I could think of was how much I’m dragging everyone down including you. But now, I’m happy to know that you still see me as someone valuable even through all the mistakes and shit that I’ve made.”
“Well- of course you’re someone valuable, Seokjin. You’re more than a valuable person. You’re one of the best people I’ve ever had the chance of meeting.”
“I’m flattered.”
Yoongi didn’t miss the redness that had colored Seokjin’s ears, a little quirk that Yoongi is all too familiar with. He looked away to the city with a smile.
“So…”
“I have to be honest, I’m still not sure what my exact feelings for you are, Yoongi. I haven’t quite figured it out.”
“That’s alright. You don’t have to, anyways. What matters is-”
“We stick together, right?”
“Yup.”
“We can try to figure out my situation. But even if we can’t and the world stays forgetful of me, I won’t mind. As long as I have you guys, I’m happy.”
“Same thing goes for us with having you, hyung.”
Seokjin didn’t reply verbally, but instead moved to press himself against Yoongi and rest his head on his shoulders. Yoongi retaliated by placing his own head against Seokjin’s dark locks.
“I want to get better,” Seokjin whispered. “I want to love myself.”
“You will,” Yoongi replied.
The cold wind blew through them, the city of Seoul shimmers before them. It truly is a remarkable sight, a view that not many will ever have the chance of seeing. Especially with a loved one there beside you, battling the winter air together. Once again, the cold wind blew. The very cold wind. The very- fuck it’s freezing out here.
“We should probably get back inside,” Yoongi said eventually.
“Yeah we should,” Seokjin replied immediately as they both shuffled hurriedly to the doorway.
“Fuck, I can’t feel my feet.”
“Why did we even go out here, anyways?”
“This was your idea, hyung!”
Seokjin laughed out loud, and for Yoongi it sounds like a world of pure joy; crystallized together into one harmonious chain of melody.
It’s all good.
When Seokjin and Yoongi returned to the living room, they were surprised to see the others already setting up a mattress in the middle of the room. The coffee table had been set aside and they seemed to be in the process of transporting in all pillows, blankets, and plushies available in the dorm.
“Hey guys!” Hoseok piped up. “Take out’s here!”
“Um…what’s all this?” asked Yoongi.
Namjoon huffed when he threw three more pillows into the ever-growing mountain of softness. “Well, Jimin got the great idea to have a sleep over for all of us here in the living room, as a celebration of sorts. And also since we haven’t done it in a while.”
“Yeah, I wonder why we don’t this more often?” Hoseok pondered.
Suddenly Jungkook emerged from a pile of blankets. He was wearing one of Taehyung’s headbands so haphazardly it made his hair spike up all over. He has a Chimmy doll held in one arm while his other arm was fisted upwards.
“PILLOW FORRTT!” he war-cried to the entire dorm.
Taehyung threw a pillow at him from across the room. “GIVE CHIMMY BACK, YOU MONSTER.”
“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE,” Jungkook roared before diving back into his pile of blankets.
“Oh that’s why,” Hoseok stated calmly.
Seokjin shook his head. “I will never understand you kids.”
“Then join us!” Jimin exclaimed after popping up from somewhere under the pillow fort (if you can even call it a ‘fort’). He grabbed both Seokjin and Yoongi’s hands, dragging them to the mattress. “C’mon! We’re watching a movie together!”
“While eating!? None of you better stain any of the sheets or you’re doing your own laundry.”
Yoongi only rolled his eyes at Seokjin’s ever present motherly instincts, letting himself get pulled down to the sleep over. And- wow, it’s actually super comfy here.
Namjoon pulled the remote somewhere from within the sofa and turned the TV on. “So, what are we watching tonight?”
“I vote Marvel!” Jungkook yelled.
“No, Disney!” Jimin countered.
“Guys! Guys!” Taehyung cut in. “How about we let Jin hyung choose?”
“Oh, uhm,” Seokjin stuttered when everyone turned to him expectantly. He glanced at the TV, getting reminded just then that they have a lot of premium subscriptions, from Netflix to Hulu to Amazon to YouTube Red.
“Okay, how about…this?”
Instead of the remote, Seokjin reached into the TV cabinet and pulled out a dusty looking DVD case. He handed it to a curios Namjoon.
“From Up on Poppy Hill,” he read out loud. “Hm. An old one, but a classic.”
“I think it’s perfect,” said Yoongi. “Our DVD player still works right?”
Namjoon put the disc in and they all settled down as the movie began. Of course, it isn’t long until they all automatically started to snuggle closer to each other until it became more of a cuddle pile than anything else. It’s become a habit of them.
Seokjin smiled contently.
“Hey hyung?” Jimin whispered sometime in the middle of the movie.
“Yes, Jimin?”
The younger shifted, pulled his blanket closer to himself. “So...this means you’re staying now, right?” he asked, or rather pleaded. “As in, staying staying? Right, hyung?”
Seokjin smiled, hand going up to brush Jimin’s soft hair. “Yes, Jimin, I’m staying.” And I’m never leaving, never again.
“Yah! Don’t hog Jin hyung for yourself!” Taehyung protested from behind Jimin.
“No! He’s mine!”
“Both of you shush!” hissed Namjoon, already immersed into the movie.
Seokjin only snickered as he watched they other’s faces lovingly. It took a while, but at last he realized; this is home.
Eventually the movie ended, and not long after that they all fell asleep, Seokjin still in the middle of the 95 line’s cuddles.