Archive of Our Own ^beta

[I like that you're broken

Broken like me

Maybe that makes me a fool

There's something tragic, but almost pure

Think I could love you, but I'm not sure

There's something wholesome, there's something sweet

Tucked in your eyes that I'd love to meet]

John B has known JJ for years, they’ve been through so much together.

JJ is in all of his good memories, and in most of the bad ones, either as a main character or just standing in the background.

(Mostly as main character, because someone like JJ is not made to stay in the back.)

(Loud and obnoxious and excessive in everything he does, he’s hard to miss.)

JJ was there when John B had his first kiss, cheering in the back.

He was there when Big John bought the HMS POGUE, and was on the first ride with them.
He’s always there on those endless days and nights on the beach and in the sea, surfing the waves until their skin is red and the sun has gone down.

He was there when they met Pope for the first time (being shoved inside a locker as if life was a teen drama by the CW.)

He was there where Big John left for the first time in search of the gold, and all the times after that.

(Always there to make sure John B wouldn’t be alone.)

(John B hates being alone.)

(Talk about childhood trauma.) 

He was there when John B broke his arm falling on a cliff and took him to the hospital.

He was there when John B got his first detention at school (and stayed with him instead of going out.)

He was there when he got his first crush and and was there when he got dumped for the first time. 

He’s always there to talk John B down from a nightmare, to keep him together when his thoughts turn dark and heavy. 

(JJ is bright and loud and so full of life that he fucking shines through John B’s cloudy mind.)

So yeah, life dealt them both a shitty, shitty hand, but they’ve always been together to face it.

JJ is his anchor, his rock in the chaos of life.
(Erratic and unpredictable and sharp, he’s John B’s constant.) 

(Like the North Star.)

(Brighter than that.)

Being with JJ is natural and easy, like breathing.

Being with JJ is euphoric and exciting, it’s like jumping off a cliff straight into the sea many feet below.

Being with JJ is like being on fire, burning slowly from the inside with every casual touch and lingering glance. 

Being with JJ is getting cut on sharp edges, words that sting deep and careful lies falling from his lips. 

Being with JJ is the only thing that keeps him sane, sometimes. 

Being with JJ is basking in his light and his warmth and his glow.

Being with JJ feels right, feels like going home, feels like being exactly where he’s supposed to be.

***

“I’m fine, John B, jus’ a lil’ scratch.” 

JJ smiles and John B doesn’t buy it.

(He’s got a split lip and John B knows it stings.)

(Also, he’s got blood trickling down from his temple.)

“Jesus, JJ.” John B goes to the bathroom to grab him a wet towel and JJ puts it on his forehead.

(There’s blood in his hair too.)

“What happened?” 

“Oh you know how it is.” JJ says, grinning. He shrugs and then grimaces because he’s got Luke’s boot branded on his side. “Just one too many beers.” 

John B sits beside him.

(He wants to reach out.)

(He doesn’t.)

(At times like this, John B has learned that he needs to wait for JJ to come to him.)

“Let me see, come on.” 

“If you wanted to see me naked all you had to do was ask.” JJ says, flashing him a smirk.

Christ.

(John B just wishes he’d stop pretending for a second.)

“JJ, I swear to God-

“Fine, fine. Chill, dude.” JJ says. He drops the towel from his forehead and lifts his tank top with a winch. 

(John B has to take a deep breath to force down the burning anger filling his chest.)

(It’s worse than what JJ told him.)

(It always is.)

“Christ, JJ.” 

JJ runs one hand through his hair, pushing the blond strands away from his face.

“It’s nothin’.” 

( Liar.)

(John B can literally see the walls JJ is building up.)

(He really can’t have that.)

“Can I?” He asks and JJ isn’t really looking at him, but nods anyway, chewing the inside of his cheek.

He’s got several small cuts all over the right side of his body, and big bruises are blooming all over his chest and torso. 

John B starts cleaning the blood from the cuts, and puts disinfectants on it. 

“I’ll get you some ice.” He says then, standing up. JJ nods, already busy rolling a blunt.

( To take off the edge, John B knows.)

(In half an hour, when he’s stoned, JJ will tell him what happened, all the things that Luke spat at him while he was on the floor.)

(In half an hour, JJ will let down the walls and let John B in.)

(They’ve been here many, many, times.)

He brings JJ some ice wrapped into another towel and JJ presses it to his side with a low hiss. 

“Thanks, man.” 

“Of course.” John B goes back to sitting down beside him, and JJ hands him the blunt. John B takes a few drags, and they sit, side by side, watching the smoke make pretty shapes in the air.

John B hands it back to him, and leans against the headboard of his bed. JJ follows him, putting the ashtray between them. 

They sit quietly for a few minutes, until the blunt has burned to the filter, and then John B moves the ashtray to the bedside table and lies back down.

JJ has his head thrown back against the pillows, a cigarette already burning between his lips, eyes closed, blowing out the smoke. 

( Pretty .) 

“Make the circles.” He says, and JJ gives him a lazy smile.
It takes a few tries, but then there the circles are.

“Ta-da.” JJ says, grinning. 

(His eyes are a bit red, and it could be either the weed, or that he’s trying really hard to not cry.)

(John B knows it’s both.)

“Hey did you see the new season of Rick and Morty, yet?” JJ asks, breaking the silence.

(John B knows JJ is physically unable to keep quiet for longer than thirty seconds.)

“No, not yet.” 

“‘s pretty good. Go get your computer, we’re havin’ a marathon.” 

“You go get it, I’m not gettin’ up.”
“Man, come on, I’m on my deathbed.” 

“Fuck off, JJ.” John B scoffs, getting up to grab his computer anyway. 

He settles back in bed, opening Kie’s Netflix account. He puts one arm over the headboard, a silent invite.

(John B doesn’t look at him, and neither does JJ.)

(JJ never asks, but John B knows anyway.) 

(The need to be close, to be held, to feel safe.)

JJ slides closer, curling against John B’s side. John B smiles to himself, lifting one hand to run it through JJ’s hair.

JJ hums quietly, fully leaning against John B.

(It’s good, John B likes to have him so close.)

(Safe, where John B can make sure he’s okay.) 

They watch two episodes before either of them says anything.

It’s JJ, unsurprisingly.

“Can I stay here, tonight?” 

(John B wants to tell him that he’d keep him here forever, if it was up to him.)

“Sure.” 

“Thanks.”
“No problem.” 

(John B already knows JJ’s going to sleep on the pull out couch in the living room for the entire week.) 

(Not that he minds.)

At one points JJ yawns. 

“What time is it?” John B asks, and JJ looks around for his phone.

“Almost three.” He answers. 

“Let’s sleep, I’m knackered.” John B says, closing the computer. 

(JJ stretches beside him, and John B lets his eyes travel over him.)

“You can sleep here tonight.” He says to him, and JJ finally looks at him.

(Eyes so blue, clearer than the sky.)

“Nah, it’s your bed, man.” 

“It’s fine, JJ, I don’t feel like pulling out the couch, and you can’t sleep there.”

JJ shrugs, winching again.

“Idiot.” John B says, and JJ grins at him.

“Thanks. Come here.” JJ scoots on the edge of the bed, patting the space beside him.

(It’s nothing new, but it still makes John B’s stupid heart race.)

(He really shouldn’t.) 

(But JJ is also staring at him, hands stretched out, and John is a weak man.)

He slides back under the covers, and turns off the lights, plunging them in darkness.

He hears JJ shuffle around for a minute, curling on himself.

(As if making himself as small as possible.)

Then JJ turns around. 

John B can’t see his face, but he knows it better than his own.

(He doesn’t need the light to know that JJ is staring at him.)

“Tell me?” He asks, quietly.

(It always feels like JJ might just run if he speaks too loudly.)

The silence stretches between them for a few minutes, and John B tries to make out his profile in the darkness.

(He feels JJ’s warmth coming off his body in waves, because he always runs hot.)

(He really wants to reach out, pull him close.)

“He, uh, well, he got mad ‘cause- I don’t even know, he lost a bet or somethin’, and I- I was jus’ in the wrong place at the wrong time, as usual.” 

JJ sighs, and John B feels it on his lips. 

“JJ.” JJ doesn’t reply, and John B guesses he’s done talking about it for tonight. 

(He knows there’s more, there’s always more, worse, but he doesn’t push.) 

Instead, he rolls on his back, and holds out an arm. 

JJ slides under it, resting his head on John B’s shoulder.

( Good, safe.)

(JJ smells like smoke and blood and saltwater.)

“You’re home now.” He whispers, and JJ nods slightly against his chest.

He feels JJ fall asleep rapidly after that, and John B is left to stare at the ceiling.

(He stares, and stares and when the sun rises, he’s still staring.)

(At JJ, this time.)

(The light washes him in gold and warmth.)

( Beautiful .)

***

John B comes home after his shift to find JJ sitting in the kitchen, feet propped on the table. 

“JJ, so unsurprising to see you here.” John B says, and JJ grins big and bright at him. 

“Aw, John B, welcome home, sweetie.”
“You’re the bane of my existence.” John B says, accepting the cigarette JJ’s offering.

“I made dinner.” JJ says, standing up to go sit on the kitchen counter instead. He uncovers the pot, showing John B the dinner.

“You made spaghetti? God, JJ, I could literally marry you.” 

“Wife material, right here.” JJ says, patting his own chest. John B looks up to find JJ’s blue eyes already staring at him.

(He might forget how breathing works for a minute.) 

(JJ’s eyes aren’t exactly soft, not really, John B isn’t sure he can be soft.)

(But they’re something close to it.) 

“Sit down.” JJ says, putting his hands on John B’s shoulders and guiding him to the table. JJ serves them both and then sits down beside him. 

“Pope and Kie are coming by, later.” JJ says, around a spoonful of food.

(Fun fact, JJ is a great cook.) 

(Having to fend for yourself since you reach the stove will force you to learn some tricks.)

“I also told Kie we’d go save the turtles tomorrow, or whatever she wants us to do, I don’t even know.” 

“Can’t wait to spend the entire day picking up trash from the beach.”
“Exciting stuff, I know.”

Dinner goes like that, and they’re washing the dishes when the door opens to let Pope in.

“Aren’t you two awfully domestic, sweet.” Pope says. 

(They are, John B is washing and JJ is drying, as they’ve been doing for the past ten years.) 

“We’ve already established I’m wife material tonight, Pope, you’re late to the party.” 

“Well, you didn’t even invite me to the party.” JJ blows a kiss at him, winking, and Pope rolls his eyes.

“Where’s Kie?” John B asks, and Pope shrugs.

“She said she was leaving when I was coming here.” He replies, dropping on the pulled out couch.

She arrives sometime later, bringing a six pack and a bag of chips.

“I think I might love you.” JJ says, opening a bottle and bringing it to his lips.

(John B watches his throat bob, head thrown back.) 

They sit around the table, and John B deals the card to play poker, and JJ rolls a blunt and everything is good.

***

John B never slept a lot.

(When they were younger, and JJ spent the night at the Chateau, he’d always complain that he could hear John B walk around all night.)

(And then he’d get in bed with John B.)

( ‘Sleep, John B.’

“I can’t, JJ.”

‘Just close your eyes, man.’)

(John B has fallen asleep staring at JJ for years.)

But since Big John has disappeared, three weeks ago, John B sleeps even less than usual.

(He’s tried, to just lay down and close his eyes like JJ always tell him to do.)

(He only sees Big John, drowning, or running, or dying in one way or the other.)

“Dude.” JJ says when he comes in. John B looks up from the couch.

(It’s always pulled out these days, because JJ sleeps here more often than not.)

“You look like shit.”
“Thanks, JJ.”
“You got it, man. 

(John B knows he’s right.)

(His eyebags are dark and deep.)

(He can’t remember the last time he had a decent sleep.)

“What do you say we go to the beach? I could use some down time.” 

“Bad shift?” JJ shrugs. 

“Nah, it was fine.” JJ grins at him, big and bright, cigarette burning between his fingers.

(John B almost believes him.)

( Almost.)

“Yeah?” JJ exhales, leaning against the window. “You don’t look so sure.”
“You know how it is with these Kooks.” He says, fingers twitching. “Always think they can get anything they want.”
“What does that even mean?”
JJ doesn’t look at him, and his eyes are dark.

(It’s only for a second, so brief that John B thinks he imagined it.)

(He knows he didn’t.)

“JJ?” 

“Are you ready to go?” John B nods, figuring that JJ is done talking it.

(Or not talking about it.)

(John B doesn’t even know what it is.)

The walk to the beach is short, and JJ shoots a text to Kie and Pope to tell them to join.

It’s hot and humid today, and John B’s shirt is clinging to his sweaty skin.

“Can’t wait to get in the water.” He says, pushing back his hair, and JJ nods.

(There's a thin layer is sweat on his skin, and his eyes are shining.)

“I’m about to melt.” He says. 

When they get there, Pope is already waiting for them, laying down on the sand, sunglasses on.

“Boys, goodbye.” JJ says, taking off his tank top.

(John B lets his eyes trail over tones muscles and tan skin.)

(He’s got a fading bruise on his side.)

And then JJ is gone, board in hand, as he swims towards the big waves. 

(John B watches him, as he always does when JJ surfs.)
(He can’t help it, he just looks too fucking good.)

Kie arrives a few minutes later, bringing a cooler with her.

“Dive in boys.” She says, and John B gets himself a beer, putting on his sunglasses.

(He watches JJ, watches him disappear behind a wall of water, and something pulls at his chest.)

( Drowning, sinking, deep-

And then JJ waves at them, grinning, emerging from the tunnel.

( Breathe, Jesus.)

They spend the day like this and it’s good. He joins JJ at some point, and so do Pope and Kie, and they surf until the sun starts going down.

“Well, gotta get home.” Pope says then, standing up. Kie follows him.

“Me too, I told my dad I’d help with the dinner rush.”

“Any chance we can get free food?” JJ asks.

(He’s still dripping water everywhere, wet hair pushed back.)

“Maybe tomorrow. Dad was in a bad mood tonight.” Kie says, rolling her eyes so far back she must see her brain.

“I really don’t understand why your parents don’t like us. We’re angels.” Kie snorts, and JJ smiles at her.

“Fuck off, JJ. I think you’d burst in flames if you ever entered a church.” JJ gives her a bit of a crooked smile, and then they’re off and it’s just them. 

JJ hands him a cigarette, and John B takes it.

John B lays down, looking up at the sky. 

(There’s still too much light to see the stars.)

(The sunset paints the sky in pinks and oranges and washes JJ in gold.)

“What do you wanna have for dinner?” JJ asks some time later, and John B doesn’t reply.

(He’s exhausted, but it’s the good kind of exhausted, like when you spend the entire day doing something you like and at the end you feel boneless and warm.)

“I think there’s some frozen pizza?” JJ keeps talking, and John B lets him, too tired to reply.

(JJ could have an entire conversation with the wall if he wanted to.)

(JJ is still talking when John B falls asleep.)

John B opens his eyes to the stars shining bright in the sky.

He turns his head and finds JJ smoking.

(JJ is already watching him when John B looks up.)

“Welcome back to the land of the living. The year is 2056 and you’ve been asleep for thirty six years.” 

John B huffs a laugh, rubbing his eyes.

“What time is it?” He asks, voice groggy. JJ blows out the smoke, grabbing his phone. 

(JJ’s hair is dry now, and he’s wearing the tank top once again.)

(He looks good.)
“Uh, almost three.”

“Jesus, why didn’t you wake me up?” John B sits up. JJ shrugs.

“Did no one tell you that only the princess’ true love can wake her up?” John B snorts, and JJ grins at him. “Am I your true love, princess?”
“Fuck off, JJ.” JJ blows him a kiss, then gets up, hand out. John B takes it, lets JJ pull him up to his feet.

“Let’s go home, I’m knackered.” JJ wraps an arm around John B’s shoulders, and John B leans into him.

(Just a little.)

(JJ is warm and John B is still half asleep.)

They drag themselves and their boards back to the Chateau and JJ drops on the couch, immediately sliding under the blankets.

“Go to sleep, John B.” JJ says, voice muffled by the pillow. 

“Yes, mom.” JJ smiles at him, eyes already closed, and then he’s out like a light.

John B takes a moment to appreciate how much younger he looks like this.

(All the tension gone from his features, he looks calm, softer.)

( Pretty.)

(Then he thinks it’s a bit creepy to stare at his best friend while he sleeps so he stops.)

His bed has never looked less appealing. 

(John B knows that there’s no chance he’ll be sleeping tonight.)

(His mind is whirling too fast, and he just took a six hours long nap.)

He lays down anyway, staring at the ceiling. 

It’s hours later when he gets up to get a glass of water. 

He grabs a cup that looks somewhat clean (though it’s dark so he might be completely wrong) and opens the sink.

“John B?” JJ’s voice comes from the pull out couch, head peeking up from under the sheets.

(He’s a light sleeper.)

(Always on guard, ready to fight.)

“Sorry.” John B whispers. JJ sighs, laying back down.

“Bring me some?” He asks, and John B smiles a little, filling him a glass too. He brings it over the couch, and JJ gulps it down quickly. 

“Trouble sleeping?” JJ asks, voice low. 

“It’s fine.” 

(John B feels ten again, staring down at JJ from the edge of the couch, telling him he can’t sleep because he misses his dad.)

JJ scoots over, patting down the space beside him, like he’s done since they were kids.
John B lays down. JJ is turned on his back, one arm thrown over his eyes. 

“Sleep.” He says.

“Can’t.” JJ turns his face to look at him, and in the early light of the morning his eyes are so blue and bright. 

( Beautiful.)

“You need to sleep, John B.” JJ is whispering now, but it’s still loud in the silence of the room.

(It’s that weird hour between night and morning, when everything is still, when it feels like the world is holding its breath, gripping to the remnants of the night before the day starts.)

(It’s John B’s favorite part of the day, right before the sunrise.)

“I can’t, JJ.” He says again.

(He’s exhausted.)

(JJ is still staring at him, eyes so intense that John B wants to look away.)

(He can’t do that either.) 

“Tell me?” JJ murmurs, and it’s always so weird, hearing him speak so quietly.

(It softens him, just a bit, and JJ’s edges don't feel as sharp.)

(JJ’s got that look that John B can never place.)

(Worried, and warm, and tired, and soft, and scared, and something else, that John B can’t name.)

John B has to look away.

“It’s just- I don’t- everytime I try to sleep, I see him, and I don’t- I, uh.” John B shuts up, the words tangling in his head and he can’t force them out. 

(JJ seems to understand anyway.)

JJ doesn’t say anything, but he does take John B’s hand.

(John B might forget to breathe for a minute.)

“It’ll be okay, John B.”
(John B believes him.)

(JJ never lies to him.) 

“You still need to sleep.”
“I took a nap on the beach.” 

“Yeah, and it was the first time in two weeks that you’ve slept for longer than two hours.” JJ says, and John B blinks. 

(It’s true, John B knows it is.)

(He shouldn’t be surprised, JJ rarely misses something.) 

(It warms John B’s chest.)

“Thanks.” He whispers, and JJ looks confused now. 

“What for?” John B shrugs. 

( Staying with me, looking out for me, keeping me together.)

“Jus’- thanks.” JJ looks at him like he’s grown another head, and John B feels a smile pulling at his lips, because JJ really had no idea.

(No idea of how lost John B would be without him.)

“Sure, man.” JJ says, smiling back. “Now sleep.” 

John B scoffs, closes his eyes anyway. 

(JJ is still holding his hand.)

John B wishes he could function like a normal human being and could just sleep.

(He’s tired, and his eyes are dry and the ceiling isn’t that interesting.)

(He wonders where Big John is, like he’s been doing for the better part of these three weeks.)

(Drowning, sinking, lungs overflowing with water and eyes red, empty-

He feels his throat closing, all the air sucked out of his lungs, and he can’t breathe for a second.

( He’s fine.)

(He has to be, because if he's not then-

“John B.” John B turns to look at him, and finds JJ staring. “Shut up.”
“I didn’t say anything.” He chokes out and JJ squeezes his hand.

(It’s grounding, it keeps him to the here and now.)

(To JJ’s warm grip, and blue, blue eyes.)

(John B breathes a little easier.)

“You’re overthinking. Shut up.” 

(JJ’s eyes are heavy on him.)

“ Sleep .” He says, and John B wants to scream. Instead, JJ lets his hand go to open his arms. “C’me here.” He says, voice low and sleepy, and John B does.

He rests his head on JJ’s chest, feels his heart beating under his ear, rhythmic and strong and so alive. 

JJ runs his fingers through his hair.

(It feels good, calming.)

(JJ smells of smoke and sea and sun.)

(Home.) 

“It’ll be okay, John B.” JJ whispers against his hair, and John B nods.

He falls asleep to gentle fingers and warmth.

(When he wakes up, eleven hours later, JJ is still there.)

***

John B knows it’s going to happen before it happens.

(There’s always that feeling that precedes a panic attack, of tightness and dizziness.)

(A comment, made off hand, casual, shouldn’t make him spiral this hard.) 

( “That’s Big John’s kid, heard he’s all alone now.”

“Poor thing, can’t believe Big John would leave like that.”)

John B can’t breathe,

(He want to scream that no, Big John has not left him, he wouldn’t do that, he wouldn’t, not to him, not to John B, not like his mother did, he wouldn’t-

JJ is there, hand over his shoulder.

“John B, let’s go.” He says, glaring at the couple talking a few feet from them.

(JJ’s eyes are cold and hard until they set back on John B.)

“JJ.” He whispers and JJ has an arm draped over his shoulders and they’re walking and John B can’t really see anything.

( Lungs filling with water, skin blue and pale and eyes empty, unmoving-

“John B.”  

John B can’t breathe, the world is spinning, and he’s shaking and his chest feels heavy and his mind is stuck on a loop, the same image he’s seen countless times in his nightmares is right in front of his eyes now, and John B wants to reach out to him, wants to take Big John’s hand and pull him to safety, but he can’t-

“ John B.” JJ’s voice cuts through in the haze of his mind as it always does, and then John B is staring into his eyes, wide and so blue.

“Shit.” He says, bending over. “Jesus.” 

“John B you’re breathing to fast, you need to slow down. John B, hey, look at me, yeah?” 

John B does.

“Breathe with me, okay, John B? Come on, in, slow, good, that’s good- yeah hold it, and now out, good, so good, again, do it again- and now out, again, John B, come on, one more time, yeah?” JJ’s words wash over him, and John B lets them pull him out of his own head until he’s back on the beach, sea behind JJ’s back and winds blowing through his hair. 

“JJ?” 

“Right here, man.” JJ says, and then John B finds himself wrapped into his strong arms, and he smells like salt and smoke.

( Home.)

“It’s okay, John B. You’re fine.” 

“Yeah.” He says, and then he rests his head on JJ’s shoulder, blinking away the tears pooling in his eyes.

(He always feels shaky and unstable and jittery after.) 

JJ holds him a little tighter and doesn’t pull back. 

“Sorry.” John B says, forcing himself to take another deep breath.

“No need to apologize.” JJ says, pulling back. He puts one hand on the back of John B’s neck, fingers curling in his hair, blue eyes scanning John B’s face. “You good?” 

(JJ’s hand is warm on him, and his eyes are clear.)

“I will be.” He says. JJ nods, slides his hand down so it’s resting on John B’s shoulder.

“Yeah, yeah, you will.” He says, and he must find whatever he’s looking for on John B’s face, because then he’s pulling back, fingers lingering on his skin.

(John B doesn’t want him to let go.)

(Doesn’t know how to tell him to stay.)

JJ lights himself a cigarette and then offers one to John B, holding the lighter for him too. 

(It feels good, it’s a familiar ritual.)

(The past five weeks have been rough.)

“Let’s go home.” JJ says then, draping one arm around his shoulders and holding him closer.

(John B leans on him, just a little, and JJ holds him up.)

***

John B throws the first punch.

Topper stumbles back, hands coming up to check for blood.

(It feels good for about half a second, but at this point John B would take anything.)

“Fuckin’ Pogue.”

“John B, man-

He ignores JJ, stepping forward again.

“The fuck did you jus’ say?” He growls, and then Topper charges and John is ready for him. 

He hears JJ and Kie call his name and he ignores both of them, ending up on the ground with Topper in a mess of kicks and fists, knuckles colliding with the side of Topper’s face, blood rolling on the side of John B’s head, and he can taste it his mouth.

(John B sees red.)

(He’s so angry.)

(‘Step back, before you end up like your daddy.’)

(Just one of the endless remarks the Kooks are always throwing after them.)
( One too many.)

Topper flips them around, and John B crashes hard on the ground, all the hair pushed out of his lungs. Then Topper is hitting and hitting and John B trashes under him.

(He doesn’t fight as hard as he could.)

( Your fault, your fault, you pushed him away, your fault-

John B pushes him off and Topper scrambles to get up. 

Then there are hands pulling him back and so Kelce is holding Topper back and John B isn’t done, Topper is laughing, blood in his mouth. 

“Fuckin’ psycho.” Topper calls and John B is going to break all of his fucking teeth, but then JJ is right in front of him.

“John B, stop.” He hisses.

(He could never say no to JJ.)

“Let’s go.” JJ says, half dragging John B away from the Kooks. 

John B lets him, and then he’s at the Chateau, and JJ is kicking out Kie and Pope, which doesn’t really make sense until JJ comes to stand right in front of him.

(His eyes are dark and burning and hard.)

“You fuckin’ idiot.” He growls, grabbing a wet towel from the bathroom to run it over John B’s face, cleaning away the blood and dirt. 

(His fingers are gentle and careful on his skin.)

“What the fuck was that, John B?” 

(John B clenches his fists to keep his hands from shaking.)

(He knows JJ doesn’t miss it, and isn’t fooled.)

“Nothin’.” JJ scoffs and John B feels it on his lips.

“Right. Nothing. ” 

“Fuck off, JJ.” John B glares at him, and JJ glares right back.

(John B really fucking hates him sometimes.)

“You heard what he said, what the fuck was I supposed to do? Just let him go?”
“ Yes.” JJ says.

John B stands up, pushing past him. 

“You’re better than this, John B.” JJ says, and John B laughs.

(He’s not, he’s really not.)

“Leave me alone, JJ.” 

“You know I’m not going to.” JJ says, and John B’s vision is a little blurry. 

(It takes all the willpower he has to swallow back the tears.)

(Instead, he punches the wall.)

“ Fuck.” He breathes out. 

“Jesus, John B.” John B turns around, and JJ’s eyes are wide. 

(He flinches when John B steps closer.)

(It freezes John B’s blood.)

( Jesus.)

“Shit.” He says, and his hand is bleeding. JJ is chewing the inside of his cheek.

(He looks ready to run.)

(He doesn’t.)

Instead, he steps closer, wrapping John B’s hand in the towel.

“Sit your ass down.” JJ says, and John B sits down on the pulled-out couch with a sigh. “Let me see the damage.” 

“I’m fine, Topper isn’t that good.” JJ huffs a quiet laugh, and John B feels his lips curl into a small smile. 

“Better safe than sorry.”
“That’s rich coming from you.”

“Do as I say and not as I do.” JJ says, and then he’s running his fingers through John B’s hair like John B has done for him so many times before.

(He leans into the touch like JJ always does.)

(It feels good.)

“No concussion.” He says in the end. “I’ll get you some ice for your face.” 

John B accepts the bag of ice wrapped into another towel with a nod, pressing it into the blooming bruise on his cheek.

JJ sits down beside him, hands him a cigarette and lights them both.

“So?” He asks and John B really doesn’t want to talk about it.

“It’s fine, JJ.”
“Like I fuckin’ believe that.” 

(John B wants to yell at him, call him out on his bullshit, because JJ is a liar, an incredibly good one, and he lies all the time and really had no ground to stand on-

“It’s my fault.” John B says, and as soon as the words out he realizes how true they are. 

( Jesus.)

“Shit, fuck.” 

The ice falls from his face and he barely registers it.

(It’s true, John B told him to leave that night, pushed him away and Big John left without saying goodbye because John B wasn’t at home, he was surfing-

(Sinking, deep into the darkness, bubbles of air raising to the surface-

“John B, Jesus, John B look at me.” 

( Your fault, your fault, your fault, your fault, your-

“John B, look at me, Christ.” 

John B does.

“I fucked up, JJ.” He says and JJ is shaking his head, and he’s got his hands on John B’s face, but he barely notices. “Oh my God, I fucked up, I told him to leave- I told him- and now he’s gone, he left- shit, f-fuck-

“John B, breathe.” 

John B shakes his head, feels his own hands come up to twist in JJ’s shirt.

“I can’t.” He says and it’s true.

(There’s no air, he’s sinking, he’s drowning-

“Sure you can, come one breathe with me, John B, breathe for me.” 

(John B would do anything for him.)

JJ puts John B’s hand over his own chest, and John B feels it rise and  fall under his palm, skin burning.

( JJ always runs hot.)

“John B? Stay with me man, breathe, in, good, that’s good, so good, do it again- perfect, again, John B-

And so John B breathes.

(He sucks in a sharp breath, chokes on the air a little, tears pooling in his eyes.)

“Shit.” He whispers and can’t bring himself to look at JJ.

(It’s stupid, they’ve talked each other down from things like this too many times to count.)

(But he can’t.)

(Can’t take JJ looking at him the way everyone else does, with pity and like he’s broken and fucked up-

“John B.” JJ talks quietly, hands coming up to touch John B’s face. 

(John B leans into his hand, lets him hold him up.)

(He’s exhausted.)

“It’s not your fault.” JJ says and it’s not what John B was expecting.

(He shouldn’t be surprised, JJ never does what people expect him to do.)

He looks up into blue eyes, deep and intense.

(JJ touches him like he’s scared to, like he’s not sure he can, touches him like he’s something beautiful, to be handled with care.)

(JJ looks at him with too many emotions in his eyes.)

(Worry, and fear, and warmth, and that quiet softness that rarely comes out and something deeper, bruning, that John B is scared to name.)

(No pity.)

(JJ is not like the rest, he should know that .)

“I told him to leave.” 

“John B-

“We were  fighting, because- because he spent our rent money to look for that fucking shipwreck and I told him- I told him to leave and then I left, because I was so angry and he couldn’t even say goodbye, because I was gone-

“John B, stop.” John B clumps his mouth shut, lets JJ pull him in and lets himself fall into his arms.

(JJ catches him.)

He leans his head over his shoulders, JJ’s hands coming up to brush through his hair and down his back.

“It’s not your fault, he would have left anyway, you know that.”

(The worst part is that he does.)

(It’s how it’s always been, Big John leaving for a few days, a week, and then comes back with more maps, more numbers, more names.)

“It’s just- the last thing I told him is that he’s shitty father, and it’s not- I don’t- he-

“John B, it’s okay.” JJ whispers. “It’ll be okay, yeah?” 

John B nods, closes his eyes, breathes.

(JJ never lies to him.)

He pulls back, just so he can look into JJ’s again. 

(There's an old, yellowish, bruise on his cheek, and he’s got a split lip and a little cut over his brow.)

(JJ is always bruised.)

“Sorry- about- all that.” 

JJ smiles at him.

(His eyes are impossibly soft, and his hands are warm on John B’s face.)

“What are friends for if not to patch you up in the moments of distress?” 

(John B knows how true that is.)

“Thank you, then.” 

JJ looks away, smile faltering.

(It’s hard for him, John B knows, to accept gratitude and kindness and open gentleness like this.)

“‘ nothin’.” He mumbles. John B doesn’t say anything, and JJ’s hands drop between them.

(Close, but not touching.)

“Let’s sleep, you need to sleep.” JJ says then, getting up. 

(John B knows he won’t be sleeping tonight.)

(He barely can on a good night, and tonight has been all but good.)

“Don’t look at me like that, John B, babies need their sleep.”
“I’m not a baby, JJ.” John B says, rolling his eyes, and JJ smiles at him, leaning over to pinch his cheek (not the bruised one).

“Sure, you’re a big boy, sweetie.” 

John B pushes him away and JJ’s laugh fills the room.

(It’s good, it’s how it’s supposed to me, it warms John B’s chest.)

He gets under the blankets of his bed, and JJ turns off the light, standing in the doorway.

“Sleep.” He says, like it’s that easy.

(It should be easy, John B is just fucked up.)

JJ is about to leave, and John B’s heart clenches.

(He really doesn’t want to be alone.)

(He really wants him close.)

“Stay?” He whispers, and sees JJ freezes. 

He recovers rapidly, walking around the bed to slide in beside him.

John B turns on his side, feels JJ shifts closer so he’s pressed behind John B.

JJ throws an arm around his waist, pulls him impossibly closer, and John B can feel his breath hot on his neck.

“Thanks.” He whispers, and JJ nods.

( For staying, for keeping me together, for calming me down, for helping me sleep.)

(JJ always runs hot, and he’s warm behind John B, smelling of smoke and cheap beer and sea.)

( Safe.)

He falls asleep with JJ’s fingers playing with the edge of his shirt.

***

“You see that really bright star? That’s Sirius, the nose of the dog.”
“Wait, what dog?” John B huffs a laugh.

“The Great Dog.”

“Why is it Great? What has it done so special?”
“It’s just because there’s also a smaller one, right over-

“This dude really didn’t try when he named them.” John B snorts, turning to look at JJ. He has his eyes closed.

“You’re not even looking, JJ!” 

JJ grins, turning to watch him.

“I was wondering how long it would take you to notice. Ten minutes, John B, you should really pay more attention to me.”
“Fuck off, JJ, I’m trying to teach you-

“You sound like Pope.”

“Yeah, well-

“Nerd.” 

“Fine.” JJ smiles at him, elbowing him on the side.

“So, my man Orion had two dogs, what about him?” JJ asks and when John B looks at him his eyes are shining.

(Brighter than the fucking stars above them.)

(If that isn’t corny.)

“Well, Orion was a hunter, a really good one. He was killed by the goddess of the hunt, Artemis, and Zeus made him into a constellation when he died.”
“Lucky bastard.” JJ comments. “He gets killed by a goddess and is made into a constellation.” John B snorts and JJ laughs and it’s good.

(He might be staring.)

(The moon is washing him in silver, blond hair catching the light and turning almost white.)

( Pretty.)

“What else?” JJ asks, sitting up to roll a blunt with practiced fingers.

(It’s a clear night, warm and stale and they’re lying in the sand, and everything is calm.)

JJ lights up and the smell of weed fills the air. 

“That’s Perseus, and you see that reddish light right under? That’s Mars.”
“Like, the planet?” 

“Yeah, the planet.” 

“You can see a planet from here?” JJ asks, sitting up with his head throws back, eyes scanning the sky. 

John B smiles. 

“Yeah, right there.” He points it out, and JJ follows his finger with his eyes.

“Damn.” He says, and then lays back down, joint burning between his fingers. 

He hands it to John B at some point and he takes a few drags, and they pass it back and forth for a while, until only the filter it’s left.

(He feels a bit boneless and melted, but in a good way.)

“Hey, JJ, let’s go in the water.” 

“Mh?”
“The water, come on, I wanna go in the water.” 

“I can’t, dude, I don’t know how to swim.” 

“Yeah, and I’m the Queen of England.” JJ laughs and John B laughs with him, getting up. 

The world is swimming a little, tilting on his axis for a second, and he stumbles, almost think he’s going to fall.

He doesn’t. 

Instead he pulls JJ’s up to his feet, and JJ is smiling at him, grinning like an idiot.

(John B really wants to feel it on his lips.)

He pulls back and takes off his shirt instead, watching JJ do the same with his tank top. 

“Race you.” JJ says, then he’s running and John B is running after him.

The water is cold as fuck.

“Fuck.” JJ says, dipping underwater and coming back up with wet hair and. “Shit, it’s freezing.”
“Pussy.”
“That’s offensive to women, John B.”
“Fine. Weak ass bitch.” 

“That’s my boy.” 

John B splashes him and it’s war after that.

They fuck around for a while, until JJ is panting and John B can’t take his eyes off him and then he’s underwater. 

He comes back up to JJ laughing.

( Christ.)

(He’s so beautiful that it hurts.)

“That was unfair, JJ.” John B says, splashing some water in his direction. JJ just grins, winks, gives him his trademark smirk.

“Someone’s salty.” He says, and John B snorts.

“That was really fuckin’ bad, JJ.”
“You’re literally laughing.” 

(It’s good to see him like this, carefree and happy and bright.)

“Let’s get out, my balls are about to turn into an iceberg..” JJ says, and takes John B’s hand.

(He might forget how to breath for a second there.)
“That’s a sentence I never wanted to hear.”
“Thank you.” 

JJ drags him back to the beach, and they sit back down on the sand and still JJ doesn’t let go. 

(John B really doesn’t want him to.) 

JJ lights himself a cigarette with his free hand, and offers one to John B.

He takes it, and watches JJ blow out the smoke slowly.

( Jesus, why do you hate me?)

At some point, when JJ is on his third cigarette and neither of them has said anything for a while, JJ slides closer and rests his head on John B’s shoulder.

John B shifts around so he can wrap one arm around JJ, pulls him close and JJ sighs happily again his neck.

(It sends chills down his spine.)

(It’s good that JJ isn’t looking at him, because if he does then John B will have to kiss him.)

“Tell me more about the stars.” JJ says at some points, laying down on his back.

John B follows him, and JJ curls against his side, warmth rolling off in waves from him.

(Hugging JJ is like hugging a heater.)

(It’s great.)

John B talks and talks and he looks at JJ and JJ looks back and listens to him until the sun starts rising and even then JJ doesn’t move, so neither does John B, and they stay like that for what feels like forever, and everything is good and warm and right.

***

John B can’t sleep, which is not unusual.

What’s unusual, is that JJ isn’t at the Chateau. 

(It’s a bad week, the anniversary of the death JJ’s mom.)

(She overdosed, and it was JJ who found her, nine years old.)

JJ went home yesterday, still hasn’t come back.

( “Stay.” John B had said, and JJ had given him a sad smile, fingers twitching.

‘I can’t.’

“JJ-

‘It’ll be worse if I don’t go now.’)

(John B knows it’s true, that if Luke realized JJ isn’t there he’d get even angrier and more violent the next time he went home.)

(John B had wanted to tell him to stay forever, had half a mind of tying JJ to the couch just to keep him at the Chateau, away from Luke.)

(In the end, JJ had left, and now John B can’t sleep.)

(He’s too anxious, too worried and too scared.) 

(John B really can’t afford to lose him to.)

( Please, God, let him be okay.)

He gets back up from the bed, and his phone (with no texts from JJ) informs him it’s 4:37 a.m.

“Jesus.” 

He goes in the kitchen, grabs himself some water and turns on the computer, resigning himself to another sleepless night.

He’s staring blankly at the screen when the door swings open.

“JJ.” The name falls from his lips without him really wanting it to, and JJ smiles at him, bloody and crooked. “Shit.” 

John B is on his feet in a second, wrapping an arm around JJ’s waist to hold him. JJ lets him carry most of his weight  and together they stumble in the bedroom.

“Sit down.” JJ does with a loud curse and a groan. “Christ, JJ.”
“Hey, John B, good morning, I guess.” He says, staring at the floor, and his voice is hoarse.

John B kneels down in front of him, and JJ looks away. 

He helps JJ out of his torn shirt, and it’s bad, it’s so, so bad.

(John B needs a second to steady himself and keep the tears down.)

( I’ll kill that piece of shit, I’ll kill him-

JJ’s entire left side is painted in purples and blues, and there are already new bruises, red and angry, blooming over them.

There’s a big gash on his left side, still gushing blood. 

There are finger-shaped bruises on his wrists and all around his neck and on his arms, a huge one on his cheek. He’s got a black eye, small cuts all over his face and body and a split lip and blood in his hair and dirt, and-

“We need to clean the blood.” He says and he has to look away because if he doesn’t then he’ll go kill that bastard right now.

He hands JJ a towel.

“Press down.” He says, and leaves JJ to go grab the medkit. When he comes back JJ is leaning forward, shaking like a leaf, head in his hands.

“JJ?” JJ’s head snaps up and he smiles and he’s got tears in his eyes.

(John B can feel his own heart breaking.)

“What’s up? What did you do these two days without me?” He asks and his voice cracks. 

John B moves slowly, so JJ can pull away, but he doesn’t. He lets John B wraps him into his arms and then JJ is hiding his face against his neck and a sob wretches through his body.

“You’re home, you’re safe.” He whispers against JJ’s hair, and he’s shaking so hard his teeth are clattering, gripping desperately to John B’s shoulders. 

“I’m sorry.” JJ says, and his voice breaks and so does he. 

(You see, JJ doesn’t cry.)

(In the ten years they’ve been friends, John B has seen him cry only once, right after his mom’s funeral and Luke had not liked that.)

(‘ What are you, a little bitch? Men don’t cry, son.’)

(John B has seen it all happen from a few feet away, and after that he begged Big John to let JJ stay over that night.)

(And the two weeks after that.)

John B holds him tighter, and JJ cries, ugly sobs ripping their way out of his mouth.

“‘m so sorry, sorry, ‘m sorry-

“JJ, stop, it’s not your fault, JJ.” He pulls back to lifts JJ’s face up, and cups his cheek, wiping the tears away. “JJ.” 

JJ shakes his head weakly, and John B tries to meet his eyes, but JJ keeps staring at the floor instead.

“Let’s clean you up, yeah?” JJ just nods, and lets John B cleans all the dry blood away from his skin, patches up the biggers cuts and then he gets up to go get some ice for the bruises and JJ’s hand shoots out, closing around John B’s wrist.

(John B can read it in his eyes.)

(The fear of being alone.)

(John B knows it intimately.)

“I’m just going to get some ice, I’ll be right back.” He says and it takes all of his willpower to walk away from JJ. 

He grabs al the ice packs they have and some frozen peas and brings everything back to the bedroom.

JJ lays down with a series of winches and curses, and John B places the ice on the bigger bruises.

He sits down beside him, and hands JJ a cigarette.

“Something stronger?” He asks, arm throws over his eyes. 

“Yeah.” He says. He rolls a blunt quickly, and holds the lighter for JJ so he can light up.

JJ takes a few long drags, and John B watches him hold the blunt with shaking fingers, exhaling slowly, eyes closed.

“JJ.” He calls quietly, and JJ doesn't look at him. “Are you-

“If you ask me how I’m doing, Gold help me, John B, I will deck you.” He says. John B closes his mouth. Instead he reaches out to take JJ’s hand and JJ intertwines their fingers together, and then he’s not shaking as much.

“Tell me?” John B asks and JJ laughs, sitting up. He keeps smoking in silence, eyes down and still squeezing hard John B’s hand.

JJ doesn't say anything for a long time.

(It’s always so unsettling, seeing JJ so quiet and still.)

(It breaks John B’s heart.)

(He’d kill to see JJ smile.)

(He’d kill that piece of shit.)

“He- he was- when I got home, he was mad for- i don’t know, he just- he-

“JJ.” 

“I was gonna kill him.” JJ says, and he looks up and his eyes are dark and lost. “I was gonna- I was- 

JJ’s voice breaks again, and he lets go of John B’s hand to run his hands into his hair. Then he’s panting, breathing rapidly, and his eyes are empty and lost.

(He’s slipping, away from John B and the safety of the Chateau.)

“JJ, look at me.” It seems that JJ hasn't even heard him though, staring blankly to a point in front of him. John B moves slowly, lifting one hand to put it on his shoulders, but JJ flinches anyway, jerking away so fast that he rolls off the bed.

“Christ, JJ-

“Don’t.” He says from the floor, and he isn’t looking at John B. “Please.” 

( Jesus.)

“JJ, it’s just me, you’re at the Chateau, you’re safe-

JJ’s hands are tugging at his hair then, and he’s curled on himself, looking much smaller.

“JJ, please, JJ, look at me, man.” John B slides off the bed too, going to kneel down beside him. “JJ, look at me.” 

JJ’s eyes fly open and it’s like getting punched.

(There’s so much darkness in them.)

“John B.” He whispers and John B has him in his arms in a second, pulling JJ’s hand away from his hair and wrapping him into a hug.

JJ doesn’t cry again, but he does grip onto John B’s shoulders as if his life depends on it.

They stay like that for what feels like forever, John B’s fingers brushing to his hair and JJ’s face hidden against his neck. 

“Let’s get to bed.” John B hears himself saying at some point, and JJ nods. He lets John B pull him up to his feet, and they slide under the blankets. 

John B turns off the light and curls himself around JJ’s shaking body, holds him close, closer, and JJ slowly relaxes against his chest.

“You’re home.” John B whispers against his hair. JJ nods, doesn’t say anything. 

( Never let him go-

They don’t say anything else, John B just keeps rubbing circles into his side and JJ’s fingers are still clutching at John B’s other hand. 

It takes hours for JJ to stop shaking, and John B hears him fall asleep, face morphing into something softer, vulnerable.

( Gotta keep him safe-

John B doesn’t sleep, can’t, so instead he stares at JJ until the sun rises, washing him in gold and warmth. 

JJ sleeps through most of the day, and John B doesn’t move an inch for the whole time.

(He couldn’t leave even if he wanted to.)

(JJ is sleeping on his arm.)

(And he doesn’t want to anyways.)

He has no idea what time it is when JJ’s eyes blink awake. 

“Hey.” John B says, and JJ looks at him from over his shoulder, and in the light of the day the bruises are so much worse.

(Darker, angrier.)

“Hi.” He replies, and gives John B a small smile and John B can breathe a lot easier then. 

JJ lays his head back down again, eyes falling closed again.

“You should eat something.”
“Not hungry.” He answers and if that isn’t a red flag then John B doesn’t know what is.

“JJ-

“Leave me alone, John B.” 

“When was the last time you ate?”
“When was the last time you slept?” JJ retorts, voice cold.

(JJ’s edges are sharper the morning after, they always are, trying to keep people away.)

(John B knows it's because he’s scared that if he lets someone too close he’ll get hurt again.)

(Trust doesn’t come easy to JJ, never has.)

“That’s not the point.” John B says, and he sits up, and JJ shivers, tenses up.

( Fuck, God, why-

He reaches between them, resting his hand in JJ’s hair, and feels JJ relax again.

“I’ll make you some food, yeah?” JJ nods then, doesn’t say anything else so John B gets up to go in the kitchen. He makes so eggs and fries some bacon quickly, bringing the plate back to bed. 

JJ is sitting against the headboard, smoking, and wearing of John B’s hoodie.

(It really shouldn’t make John B’s heart jump like that.)

“Aren’t you such an house-wife?” JJ says, lips curled into a small smile and John B smiles back at him. 

“Trophy wife.” John B replies, and JJ huffs a laugh, taking the plate John B is offering him. 

“Thanks.” John B nods, sits down beside him again. JJ stares at the plate with a weird look in his eyes, chewing the inside of his cheek.

“You okay?” John B asks.

( Idiot, he’s covered in bruises, what do you think?)

JJ nods.

“Yeah, just- feelin’ a bit nauseous, that’s all.”

(Yeah, getting beaten up by your dad will do that to you.)

“Eat, you'll feel better.” 

JJ nods again, takes a few bites and then moans.

(John B has to look away at that.)

“God, when did you become a chef?” JJ asks around a mouthful of food, and he looks like himself a bit more, diving in the food like he hasn’t eaten in two days.

(Which is what happened, John B could bet on it.)

After JJ has eaten he goes to take a shower and comes back with wet hair, still wearing John B’s hoodie.

(Even bruised as he is, he looks entirely too good.)

They spend the afternoon doing absolutely nothing, smoking and taking naps and eating.

(John B never lets his hand go, and JJ never pulls back.)

“Thanks.” JJ says suddenly, while the sun is setting. “For last night.” 

John B turns to look at him.

(They're still lying on the bed, side by side, and John B knows JJ is high.) 

( “It helps with the pain.”)

“You know I’ll always be here.” John B says, and JJ doesn’t look at him, but he does squeezes John B’s hand. 

(And he knows JJ is not going back ever again.)

(Not after last night.)

He squeezes back, and then JJ curls against his side again, resting his head on John B’s chest, and he’s asleep in three seconds flat.

John B presses a kiss on JJ’s forehead.

Then he closes his eyes, and he’s asleep for the first time in three days.

***

John B is feeling pretty good. 

The Kooks brought the beer tonight, so it’s good shit, and he’s feeling pretty buzzed.

(He’s warm, and happy and all his friends are here.)

John B is trying to get himself another beer when JJ appears out of nowhere, his trademark grin stretching his lips.

( Pretty.)

“Ten bucks say they hook up tonight.” John B follows JJ’s eyes to Pope and Kie, talking between each other, Kie gesticulating and Pope staring at her with heart eyes.

“You’re on.” John B says, and JJ squeezes his shoulders, takes the red cup John B just got and downs it one go. 

“JJ!” 

“Oh sorry, you were gonna drink that?” JJ asks, one hand raised to his heart. “Sorry, I’ll get you another one.” He says, and John B watches him fill the cup back up and then drinking that one too. 

“You keep this up and I will banish you from the POGUE.” 

“You have no right to do that.” 

“It’s my boat, I sure as fuck do.” John B slaps him on the arm, and JJ laughs.

(It’s good, seeing him like this.)

“Well, then I shall make amends.” He says, whipping out a blunt out of nowhere.

“Weed? Is that how you plan to earn my forgiveness?” JJ is still grinning, staring at John B with heavy eyes.

“Is it workin’?” John B looks between the blunt and JJ a couples of times, pretends to think about it.

(Truth is, he’d forgive JJ anything.)

“Fine.” He says and JJ whoops as he didn’t know how this conversation would end. 

JJ takes his hand and guides John B a bit far away from the party, sitting down on the wet sand. 

JJ lights up quickly, taking a long drag, before passing it to John B. 

JJ talks, about everything, and John B rests his head on JJ’s shoulder, letting JJ’s voice wash over him. They smoke through the blunt quickly, and his mouth feels a bit dry after.

(So dry.)

He looks up to JJ, pulling back, and JJ smiles down at him. 

( So pretty.)

(What if John B just kissed him? What is the worst case scenario-

( JJ could get mad and then he’ll leave you and you’ll be alone.)

(Fine, no kissing then.)

(JJ’s eternally split lip is very distracting though.)

JJ snaps his fingers in front of John B’s eyes and it brings him back to reality.

“Dude, you’re not even listenin’ to me!” He whines and John B laughs. JJ shoves him back, but there’s no real force in it. 

“You were talking about...surfing?” He asks and JJ shakes his head.

“Not even close. Nice try, though.” John B snorts and then JJ is giggling and John B is laughing too and Christ, he looks so good. 

Then JJ gets up, his hyperactive ass that can’t sit still for longer than three fucking seconds. 

“Let’s go dance.” He says, holding one hand out. “I wanna go dance.”
“Can’t move, man, my legs are gone.”
“Your legs are right there, John B, I can literally see them.” John B groans, takes the hand JJ is offering and lets JJ pull him up to his feet.

(He’s much closer now.)

John B pulls back and something weird flashes in JJ’s eyes but he’s too high to really think about it, and then JJ is dragging him back to the center of the party. 

“Oh, would you look at that.” JJ says, stopping short in his track so suddenly that John B crashes against him.

“Dude, what- I will never be able to unsee that.” JJ snorts.

(Pope and Kie are making out and it seems very intense.)

John B looks back at JJ, dragging his eyes over his lips.

(Something twists inside John B’s chest, refuses to think about it.)

(He knows exactly what it is.)

(Denial is what he excels at, ask anyone.)

“You owe me twenty bucks.”
“It was ten.” John B glares, and JJ just smiles at him.

“I don’t recall, pretty sure we said twenty.”
“You’re unbelievable.” JJ winks at him.

“You should see me in bed then.” 

(He’s not blushing, he’s not, it’s just really fucking hot tonight.)

John B has drunk two more cups of beer when suddenly JJ trips over his own feet.

John B is moving before he can even think about it, wrapping one arm around JJ’s waist to hold him up.

(It doesn’t work, both of them a bit too drunk and a bit too high.)

John B ends up on JJ, and he’s distantly aware that they’re in the middle of a crowd, but also no one is really paying attention to them, and JJ is so close.

Then JJ’s eyes drop to John B’s lips.

(No way, there’s no way-

“You okay?” John B asks, and he doesn’t know why he’s so breathless all of a sudden.

( Yes, he knows, give him a break.)

“Peachy.” JJ whispers.

(If JJ keeps staring at him like that, John B is going to do something really fucking stupid.)

( The type of stupid that ruins friendships forever. )

( Fuck off.)

It takes all the willpower John B has to pull away from him.

John B stands up, pulling JJ up with him.

His hands are still on JJ’s hips now, and JJ is leaning into the contact a bit, and John B might have died and gone to Hell.

(JJ smells of weed and sea and sand and home.)

“Right.” JJ materializes a cigarette from the pocket of his jeans and holds one out for John B.

He takes it.

(God knows he needs the nicotine to calm him down.)

(It doesn’t work, because instead he keeps staring at JJ.)

(It shouldn’t be so attractive, watching him smoke, but John B has made peace a long time ago with the fact that a lot of things JJ does don’t make sense.)

“We should probably go.” JJ says sometimes later, when the party has died down a bit.

“Wait, I wanna see the sunrise.”
“How romantic.”
“Fuck off, JJ.” JJ snorts and keeps smoking and the cigarette is still burning when the sun starts rising.

It washes everything in red and oranges and yellows.

(It washes JJ in gold.)

(Blond hair catching the light and eyes brighter than the sun itself.)

(He hurts to look at.) 

At some point, John B rests his head on JJ’s shoulder, and they sit on the sand like that for a while, with JJ’s hand rubbing circles on his hip.

(He never wants to pull back.)

(JJ touches him like he never wants to let go.)

“Let’s go home, I need to sleep.” JJ says, when the sun has been up for a while. John B nods, and they get up, swaying a bit on their feet.

(If when they get to the Chateau, JJ goes straight into John B’s room, well, John B isn’t about to complain.)

***

John B can feel the sun burning on his skin, and he looks around to find JJ surfing the biggest wave John B has ever seen. 

John B wants to yell at him to be careful, but he finds he has no voice.

JJ smiles at him, skin golden and eyes bright, and then the wave curls around him, and John B waits for him to come back up like he always does, still standing on the board, but he’s not.

JJ.

John B swims over and the water seems to hold him back. He dives underwater, sees JJ sinking, blood turning the water red around him.

JJ.

He holds out one hand out, tries to swim faster, but the water is holding him back, down, lungs burning, but he can’t stop, he needs to get to JJ, pull him safe-

“John B!” John B snaps his eyes open, rolling off the bed in his haste of getting up. “Christ- John B, it was a nightmare, you’re home, it’s over-

John B looks up and finds JJ staring at him, eyes blue and worried. 

“JJ?” He croaks out, and JJ nods.

“Yeah-

John B is on him in a second, throwing himself against JJ so hard that JJ falls over on the bed. JJ huffs a quiet laugh, wrapping his arms around John B.

“Wow, unexpected PDA, there.” John B pulls back, and JJ sits up.

“Sorry, I just- it-

“It’s okay. I wasn’t complaining.” JJ says, and his voice has never been softer.

John B nods, fingers twitching, and JJ scoffs, pulling him in again. 

John B sighs against his neck, breathing in his scent.

(Of sea, and smoke and sun.)

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay, John B, you’re home.”
(John B wants to laugh, because he couldn’t give less fuck about himself if he tried.)

(It’s JJ he wants, needs, to be okay.)

He pulls back to cup JJ’s cheek, brushing away the hair from his face so he can take him all in.

(All blue eyes and pink lips, gentle fingers and warm skin.)

“It was about you.” John B says without really wanting to. JJ looks taken aback for a second, and he’s about to say something when John B speaks again. “I saw you drown.”

JJ closes his mouth again, then tries again.

“I’m fine, John B. It was just a nightmare.”
(John B knows that, he does.)
(It doesn’t make the tight feeling in his chest go away, fingers itching.)

“I know.” He answers, and doesn’t let go. “It felt so real.”

(JJ leans into his hand, just a bit.)

“They always do.” JJ says quietly. 

(John B knows that too.)

(He thinks he should pull back now, because his eyes keep dropping on JJ’s lips and there’s no way that JJ hasn’t noticed.)
(Always far too attentive.)

He doesn’t. He keeps playing with JJ’s blond strands, and JJ’s hands are on his hips, tracing circles on his skin.

(It feels way too good.)

“I’d never leave you, you know that, right?” JJ’s voice cuts through the silence, it sucks all the air out of John B’s lungs.

(John B can count on one hand the times JJ has been so honest and open.)

He nods, and he can’t speak.

(He hadn’t realized how much he had wanted JJ to say that until he did.)

JJ smiles then, small and shy and so not JJ.

(It’s too much.)

John B leans in and kisses him. 

JJ kisses back immediately, fingers tightening on John B’s hips to pull him closer. 

(It sets John B’s skin on fire.)

He licks into JJ’s mouth, and he tastes of cigarettes and toothpaste.

(John B feels high.)

Then JJ pulls back and he comes crashing down.

“JJ?” 

“What the fuck.” He says, low and dangerous.

(He looks like he’s about to deck John B, eyes dark.)

(The sudden change gives John B literal whiplash.)

“I- what? JJ-

JJ pulls back, standing up, running one hand through his hair.

“Shit, JJ, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t- should have asked, Christ-

“Why did you do it?” JJ asks, whipping around, and his eyes are hard, every single muscle of his body tensed. 

John B blinks.

(That’s an easy question, at least.)

“I like you.” He says, and it feels weird to say it out loud like this. “Have for months.” 

“ What?” JJ looks like on the verge of breakdown.

“JJ-

John B doesn’t get to say whatever he was about to say, because then JJ is striding up to him and John B flinches, sure that JJ is going to punch him, but instead JJ kisses him.

John B’s brain shuts down for good, and he melts against JJ, and JJ is tugging gently at his hair, and it’s hungry and desperate and wet, and it’s so, so good.

(John B is sure that if JJ wasn't holding him up, he'd be already on the ground.)

They kiss until they have to breathe and then John B pulls back to look at him, a bit breathless. 

(JJ kisses like he does everything, with everything he has to give.)

(It sets John B’s inside on fire.)

“Christ.” JJ whispers and John B feels it on his lips. 

“What was that all about?” John B asks, because he has to. JJ grimaces.

“Nothing important.”
“JJ.”

JJ looks down and John B cups his cheek to lift his face.

“I thought- I don’t know, that you were doin’ it just to feel better, like- I don't know. It felt like a joke.”
“Why-

“I like you too. Have for a while.” JJ says and his eyes are so intense and John B doesn’t remember how breathing work. “I thought you’d hate me if- well-

“JJ, shut up.” John B catches his lips again, and feels JJ smile in the kiss.

“God, we’re both idiots.” JJ laughs then and it feels like honey.

“Yeah.” He says and then he's leaning in again to crash their lips together and John B thinks that maybe he doesn't really need to breathe. 

***

John B traces his fingers over JJ’s cheek and JJ smiles down at him.

(He’s sitting on John B’s lap.)

He leans down to kiss John B, and it sucks all the air out of his lungs. 

(Kissing JJ is like walking into a burning forest, all-consuming and fierce and heated.)

(Kissing JJ always leaves him aching for more, fingers itching to touch and hold and pull.)

(It’s an itch the can scratch now, dragging his hands over miles and miles on tan skin.)

(It still doesn’t feel real, that he gets to do all this.)

“JJ.” He whispers on his lips and JJ smiles down at him.

( God, thank you.)

“Yeah?” 

John B grins and he’s about to say something when the door of the Chateau swings open to let Kie and Pope in.

The moment is frozen in place, as the two of them take JJ and John B in, and then John B’s eyes drops on Kie and Pope’s laced hands. 

“Well this is kinda awkward.” JJ says, and Kie burst out laughing and so do John B and Pope. 

Then Pope hands Kie some money.

“Oh my God.” John B whispers, and he knows JJ saw it too.

“No fuckin’ way.” 

“What?” Pope asks and he’s got a huge grin on his face.

“Oh, nothin’.” JJ replies, and he smiles at John B.

(That private smile that’s only for him.)

JJ slides off John B’s lap and sits beside him on the couch and Pope and Kie sits in front of them.

“So, what now?” Kie asks, and John B looks over at JJ, and JJ shrugs and reaches down to take John B’s hands.

(John B squeezes and JJ squeezes back.)

“Poker?” JJ asks, grinning.

***

John B throws a punch at the wall, and behind him JJ flinches.

( God, fuck, fuck, fuck-

(John B is burning, and he’s drowning and he can’t breathe and the world is blurry around him-

“John B.” JJ calls his name, quietly, and John B can’t look at him right now. 

“Fuck.” He grits out, and punches the wall again, and it hurts, it hurts a whole fucking lot, and John B is going crazy-

“John B, stop.” JJ is in front of him then, and he takes John B’s bloody hand between his. “Christ.” 

John B pulls back, and JJ lets him go. 

(He’s shaking and he can’t stop, and there’s a huge pit at the bottom of his stomach, and he can’t breathe-

“John B, look at me.” John B does, meeting his blue eyes.

( “It’s been three months, John B. Big John is dead.”

“If I don’t see a body, I don’t believe it.” 

“He’s being declared dead anyway.”)

(Sheriff Peterkins has always been blunt.)

“He’s not dead, JJ. He’s not, I know that, he’s-

“John B, you need to breathe-

“He wouldn’t do that me, okay? He wouldn’t leave me-

“John B, maybe-

John B whips around and takes JJ’s shirt in his fist.

(JJ flinches, and his eyes are dark and heavy.)

(JJ doesn’t pull away, holding John B’s gaze.)

“Don’t you fuckin’ dare, JJ.” John B doesn’t even recognize his own voice, low and dangerous.

(JJ’s breath quickens, and fears flashes in his eyes.)

( What are you doing, John B?)

(Christ, Jesus, what the fuck-

He lets JJ go, and JJ seems to be frozen for a second. 

“JJ-

“It’s fine, it doesn't matter.” JJ says quickly.

John B steps back, and some of the tension seems to leave JJ’s shoulder. 

( Shit, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-

“John B-
“I can’t do this, JJ, I can’t, Christ- shit-

“John B, breathe.” 

He does, panting and gasping and it’s a bit pathetic really, but JJ doesn’t laugh. 

“He wouldn’t leave me, JJ. I know that.” 

JJ stares at him for a few seconds, eyes unreadable, and then he nods. 

“I know. John B, it’s okay, I know.” 

JJ opens his arms and John B falls against his chest, lets JJ hold him and hold him together and hold him close and John B breaks.

He starts crying and suddenly he can’t stop and JJ lets him, brushing his hair, fingers running up and down his back.

(It’s good, it’s grounding, it keeps him afloat.)

He holds on to JJ, and JJ doesn’t let go, clutching at John B’s back. 

He keeps talking, his voice washing over John B, an endless stream of ‘it’s okay’ and ‘you’re okay’ and ‘he’s okay’ and ‘i’m here, I got you’.

(JJ never lies to him, so John B believes him.)

At some point they end up on the floor, and JJ is still hugging him, his warmth that seems to fill the black pit in John B’s chest. 

“Sorry.” John B says eventually, and he can’t really look at him in the eyes. JJ’s hand stills in his hair for a second, before resuming the brushing. “And thank you.” 

“You’ll be okay, John B.” JJ whispers and John B nods and JJ pulls back.

He kisses John B slowly, and it’s different from all the kisses they’ve shared so far.

(It’s not a mean to an end, a way to shut him up, the first step to something else.)

(It doesn’t leave him breathless, and gasping for more.)

(Instead, it feels like breathing after being in apnea for a long time.)

( Feels like love.)

John B rests his hand on JJ’s shoulder, and JJ pulls him so close that he’s in his lap, and they stay like that for a long time, until the voices screaming in John B’s head have quieted down, until his vision isn’t blurry anymore, until he can breathe again.

He doesn’t sleep that night, but that’s okay too.

(JJ is with him.)

John B finds himself talking about Big John, about all the good memories and the bad memories until he has no voice left, and then JJ talks for him, and his brain is quiet.

***

John B is fully aware that he’s staring, but he can’t be blamed.

(JJ looks entirely too good in the sun.)

(He looks good always, really, it’s kind of unfair.)

“Stop, you’re getting beer in my hair, JJ!” Kie complains and JJ laughs.

“Pope, go faster.” He says, holding up the beer in an effort to drink it.

(He’s standing on the edge of the bow, shirtless.)

“John B you might wanna close your mouth before you drool over the boat.” 

He hears JJ laughs and he knows he’s blushing.

Then the HMS POGUE halts to a sudden stop, almost as if it crashed against something, and JJ goes flying in the water.

John B’s entire brain zeros on that.

“JJ!” He’s jumping in the water before he can even think about it, but JJ is fine, emerges from the muddy water with wet hair.

“Christ, JJ, you okay?” John B asks, swimming over. JJ has his eyes closed, floating just below the water.

( Drowning, blood coloring the water red, eyes empty-

“I think my heel touched the back of my head.”

(Relief washes over John B, and he exhales the breath he’d been holding.)

( He’s okay, he’s okay, he’s okay-  

John B huffs a quiet laugh, feeling the tension seep off his body, and JJ smiles lazily at him. John B touches his hips under the water, pulling him close.

“Idiot.” 

“Pope, what did you do?” JJ asks, and John B looks back at his friends still on the boat.

“Sandbar.” He replies. “Channel changed.”

“No shit.” JJ says, swimming back to the boat.

(He doesn’t let go of John B’s hand.) 

They get back on the boat, and Kie sits in front of them

“You good, guys?” She asks, hands hovering, looking for scratches or cuts, and JJ nods. 

“Yeah, saved my beer.” JJ replies and John B snorts.

“Good job, babe.” 

(JJ blushes at the nickname, like he always does.)
(It’s an endless source of fun for John B.)

“Guys.” Pope calls, standing on the bow, right where JJ had been before being flung in the water. Pope turns back to stare at them, eyes shining. 

“What?” John B asks, still panting a little.

“I think there’s a boat down there.”