Chapter Text
Severus had almost forgotten that he had a Death Eater meeting that night.
He honestly didn't remember it until he shot up from his bed at 10 p.m., clutching his left forearm in pure agony as he slapped himself awake and hurried to his closet. After Lupin had left, Severus decided to catch an early night.
Not even bothering to change out of his pajamas, he tossed on his Death Eater robes and donned his mask. Then, he dashed out of his living quarters and out of the Apparition wards just at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, and he touched his Mark.
Suddenly, Severus was inside the dining hall of Riddle Manor. It seemed that he was the only one there. He immediately dropped on his knee and kneeled in front of the Dark Lord.
"My Lord," he murmured.
"Rise, Severus," his snake-like voice beckoned. Severus stood up.
"May I inquire as to why no one else is here?" The spy hoped that it wasn't one of those random summons.
"Oh, no need to worry. You are most punctual, my loyal servant." The Dark Lord smiled. If he were human, that smile would have been endearing. Except he wasn't.
"I do hope you have had a chance to recover," the Dark Lord continued, not meaning a word of what he said.
"I have," Severus replied.
"Let me see."
Severus felt a slight knot in his stomach, knowing that the Dark Lord wouldn't like the result. Trying his best to quell the shakiness in his hands, he slowly pulled his right sleeve up and unwrapped the bandage. Instantly, the Dark Lord's eyes narrowed.
"Tell me, loyal servant. Did you tell anyone about what happened two days ago?"
"No, my Lord," Severus replied again, feigning reverence.
"Look at me." Severus strengthened his Occlumency shields and prepared for the probing of his mind that was about to take place. Unfortunately, he had to show the memory of when Lupin discovered his hand. He hid the part where he confided in Lupin, of course.
Severus felt the slimy hands rummaging through his memories as if a child were rummaging through their toy box. Then, he felt the Dark Lord exit his mind.
The Dark Lord had a dissatisfied expression on his face. "I am not pleased, Severus. You have not guarded yourself like you should have. For that, you will be punished. Crucio."
Again, like two nights prior, he dropped to the ground and writhed in pain. As he did so, he heard multiple cracks in the room, signaling the arrival of the other Death Eaters. Tortured and humiliated.
Good one, my Lord, Severus thought sarcastically.
Severus could faintly hear Lucius Malfoy's chuckle. The Dark Lord picked up on that. "Lucius, do not forget that you angered me in our last meeting." Lucius immediately silenced himself. Then, of course, he heard Bellatrix's sorry excuse of a laugh which was akin to nails being dragged down a chalkboard. Of course, the Dark Lord didn't silence her. He wouldn't be surprised if he learned one day that she was having an affair with her Lord. She certainly placed more importance on the Dark Lord than her own husband.
Severus, barely keeping his consciousness, heard snide remarks being made by Mulciber and Avery and pitious ones from Wilkes and Macnair.
"As always, dear servant, you are resilient. Maybe we can settle the matter...privately." As the Dark Lord released his curse, Severus felt a lump forming in his throat. He knew he'd sick up in the bathroom later once he returned to his quarters.
As predicted, after the meeting ended, he had asked Severus to remain behind. Now, at nearly five in the morning, the spy was busy trying to sick up every bit of the stuff he forced down his throat. It was disgusting. Humiliating. Traumatizing. Merlin knew how he managed to keep his head together. Thank God and Merlin that Dumbledore taught him Occlumency, else he'd be in the same fragile state as a severe rape victim. Once he had returned in the summer of '95, he started to force Severus to satisfy his sexual desires, and the spy had been very apprehensive at first. After a good ten minutes of the Cruciatus, Severus knew he had no choice in the matter.
He hoped that Lily wouldn't be looking down on him during these moments of vulnerability and humiliation. It would break him if she knew.
Severus had quickly tied his hair back with a hair tie as soon as he got back. He couldn't bear to even change his clothes, for if he even as much as took off his shirt to change, he'd feel the same shivery feeling he got when he felt like someone was watching him. For some reason, he felt on edge after every time he was used by him in such a filthy manner.
To think his reasoning for this forced intimacy was to satisfy his worries that his beloved spy wasn't a traitor. That was complete bullshit, and both of them knew it.
All he wanted was a personal sex slave. He told him how even Bellatrix didn't get this "honor." That was surprising, but at the same time, it wasn't. He wanted to humiliate Severus, knowing that if he opposed him, he'd be dead before he could say, "Avada Kedavra!" Bellatrix wouldn't be fazed by any request like this in the slightest. In fact, she'd be more than delighted to serve him, even if it meant being degraded to something less than a whore.
Once the spy felt sure he was done vomiting all of the...liquid...that he was forced to drink, he went to his sink and washed his mouth, and he scrubbed his tongue with his toothbrush until it became parched and dry. Then, he filled up his tub with cold water, stripped, and settled into it, still disgusted that he currently had an erection. He didn't enjoy what he had to do to maintain his position in the slightest; his body, on the other hand, didn't care. It was during these times that he constantly reminded himself that his mind and body were separate, and that he wasn't filthy. But even with those reminders, he felt all the same.
That's when he thought of Lupin—no, Remus. He had formed a new friendship with this man, but he didn't know if he could possibly confide in him. Even after he sobbed on his shoulder last night, it wasn't enough. He wasn't comfortable with telling Remus what was essentially the story of his life: being a tool. What would he think? The werewolf already knew about the extent to which he had to prove his loyalty to him, but could he really give him the details? It was odd for Severus to even have this option of telling someone. He knew now that Remus wouldn't blab like he thought he would before.
Sitting in the cold bath, he knew that he'd have to wake himself up so he could watch over his classes. He couldn't possibly prevent one of the dunderheads from causing an explosion in this current state.
Then, he remembered. He let out a long groan.
Remus sat at the dining table. There was an empty chair next to him. He didn't say who it was for, but he kept his hand on it as though he were saving a seat for a friend in the Great Hall.
Friend. Who knew he'd associate the word "friend" with Severus? Well, he was glad he made the decision to talk to him last night. It seemed like Severus really needed the cry.
"Hey, Moony, who're you saving the seat for?" Sirius whispered conspiratorially from across the table.
"A friend," was all Remus replied.
Sirius had a sly grin on his face. "Are you saving it for...Dora?"
"Wha—no! No! What is wrong with you? I don't like her."
Sirius huffed a sigh. "Yes, you do, Moony. Don't lie."
"I'm not saving this seat for Nymphadora," Remus huffed back.
"Then who?" Sirius asked, the pure curiosity starting to seep through his innocent tone.
"You'll see."
Severus all but staggered into the dining room at Number 12 Grimmauld Place. He was about to fall asleep. He had gotten absolutely no shuteye for the past day, and it was already 9 p.m. The spy looked over at the dining table and saw Remus next to an empty chair.
Remus saw him and smiled. He motioned for Severus to come and sit next to him.
As Severus tried his best to not look as if he was about to collapse, he made his way to the vacant chair and sat down. As soon as he sat down, though, he heard someone pound their fist into the table.
Startled, Severus looked up to see who had pounded their fist. He wasn't surprised when he saw it was Black.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, REMUS?!" Black screamed.
Suddenly, everyone stopped talking and turned their attention to the dog.
"What did you say?" Remus asked quietly.
"Why have you got a fucking Death Eater sitting next to you? Why would you save a seat for a greasy slimeball?!"
"Sirius. Take that back. Now," Remus said firmly.
Black stood up. "Why?! We all know that Snivellus isn't sided with us! He's with them!"
Severus glared daggers at Black. Oh, how he wanted to scream at him and guilt-trip him and make him feel so bad that he wouldn't need to cause him any harm himself. It seemed that Remus was angrier, though, so he kept quiet.
"You don't know what he has to go through just to ensure that he's even able to spy," the werewolf told Black dangerously.
"Tell me, then, since you seem to know, Moony," Black sneered. "What does he have to do, bow to him all the time like a lapdog? Embarrass himself? Suck the bastard's bollocks?" Severus clenched his fist at that, because what the mutt said was absolutely true. It was so fucking true. He squeezed his eyes shut, unable to hold back the silent tears. He heard the tears drip onto the table.
Why was he crying like this? He wasn't supposed to cry because of a sick bastard like Sirius Black. What was he doing? What was he doing? He tried to will himself to stop, to stop himself from crying like a weak idiot, but he couldn't. He just couldn't. He couldn't hold back the tears that burned in his eyes.
Meanwhile, Remus glared at the Animagus and was bewildered that his friend of so many years could even suggest something so filthy. "Why? Why can't you just accept that Severus has changed? He isn't the same man he was in 1981."
"Who cares?" Sirius shrugged. "Who. Cares? I don't in the least. Not like anyone else does, either."
Remus felt his anger boiling over him. He was shaking, just ready to explode. Unable to hold it in any longer, he pounded the table so hard that even the light fixture above shook and screamed.
"SEVERUS SNAPE DOES MORE AND SACRIFICES MORE THAN WHAT ANY OF YOU DO COMBINED! HE SUBJECTS HIMSELF TO HUMILIATION, TORTURE, AND MENTAL PAIN JUST SO HE CAN STILL SPY FOR US! WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR ANY OF YOU LOT TO UNDERSTAND?!"
Nobody noticed as Dumbledore himself entered the room. He quietly stood at the corner, watching as the row played out.
Remus looked at Severus, who was still sitting down. He was visibly shaking, and he saw that there was a small puddle of water on the table. He placed a hand on his new friend's shoulder and squeezed his shoulder reassuringly.
"So you were defending the git. You were!" Sirius cried, the betrayal clear in his eyes.
"So what if I was?" Remus bit back, sending a fiery gaze at Sirius. "Not like any of you do. I'm appalled. Just appalled." He looked around at the rest of the Order. "We are supposed to be the Order of the Phoenix! We're supposed to fight for what is good in this world, not take to ignoring and bullying our only spy! If Severus's position is compromised, we're as good as dead, and don't you even dare try to say otherwise!"
The room remained deathly silent, so silent that you could hear a pin dropping. After a final glare at the Order, Remus tapped Severus's shoulder and whispered, "C'mon. Let's go."
Severus nodded and stood up. Then, they walked out of the room.
Severus was shocked.
He never knew that Remus Lupin would actually shout at and berate the rest of the Order on his behalf. Maybe he underestimated the wolf more than he thought. He really did grow a backbone, didn't he?
As soon as they exited the dining room, Remus placed an arm around his shoulders.
"I'm sorry," Remus breathed out as they were walking down the hallway. "I'm so, so sorry. What Sirius said was completely uncalled for. He isn't usually like this. Yes, he doesn't like you very much, but I didn't think he actually loathed you."
Severus remained silent, still trying to hold in his tears but failing terribly. He felt filthy. So, so filthy.
The friends entered the sitting room and settled into the armchairs by the fire. Severus put his elbow on the arm of his chair and rested his head on his palm. Wandlessly, he closed the door.
"What Black said was true, you know," Severus spat bitterly as he wiped his tears. "I'm as filthy as he says I am. There's no need to deny it."
"What?" Remus asked, shocked. "No, you aren't!"
"Yes. I am. I told you last night, didn't I? I do favors for him. Simple. We should just go back. There's no use talking about it." As Severus stood up, Remus got up and forced him back into the armchair.
"How much sleep did you get last night?" Remus asked bluntly as he returned to his armchair.
"Zero," Severus replied, assuming his mask and building up his Occlumency shields. "I had a Death Eater meeting, and I got back at three in the morning. I spent two hours afterward trying to sick up the semen that the Dark Lord made me swallow. Then, of course, I had to oversee my classes during the day."
If Remus were holding anything, that object would've fallen right out of his hand. "What? Why didn't you ask Albus to find someone to oversee your classes for you? I would have gladly done it for you, too, if you only asked!"
As quickly as Severus's Occlumency shields went up, they crashed right back down. He slowly lifted his head and looked at Remus.
"What?"
"You don't think I would have minded, did you?" Remus asked, sounding slightly incredulous. "You honestly don't think me coming to your office last night and offering my friendship was all an act?"
"No," Severus replied. "My...never mind. We should go back—"
"No!" Remus interrupted. "I'm not letting you go back there just so you can be further ignored and ridiculed! I won't stand for it!" Severus was shocked at the determination shining on Remus's face. This was a whole new side to the wolf that he had never seen before.
Severus smiled lightly and sighed. "You sound just like Lily."
"Good," Remus replied. "You know, Albus shouldn't make you do this! Let them find another spy, let someone else—"
"NO!" Severus bellowed, standing up. "I...I can't...Lily...forgive…."
Remus stood up and walked over to Severus. He, like last night, placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. "What about Lily?"
"I...I have to protect her son...swore to it...atone my mistakes…." Severus wasn't sure why he was sounding so incoherent. Why couldn't he make full sentences? He shook his head as though his incoherence could be shaken out of his system. He took a deep breath.
"I don't care if I have to...to drink semen if it means that Potter will be protected. I deserve it. Wholeheartedly." Oddly enough, Severus believed in his words fully.
Suddenly, before he knew it, he felt a hand come into hard contact with his cheek. "Shut up, Severus! Just shut up!" Remus gritted out as Severus was nursing his cheek with his hand. "Albus shouldn't make you endure this filthy torture! You shouldn't endure this filthy torture! Swallowing another man's semen is not how you atone for your mistakes! It just isn't! There are other ways!"
"We don't have any other spies," Severus stated flatly. "If I stop being a spy, we're as good as dead, like you said earlier. I have to keep on doing this, or else our whole cause will be for naught. Don't you understand?"
Remus crossed his arms. "No. I don't understand how a person as intelligent and as brilliant as yourself should be degraded like this. I don't. This isn't right."
"But the war—" Severus retorted.
"Enough about the damn war!" Remus cut in. He gripped Severus's shoulders tightly, his hazel-green eyes staring into Severus's onyx ones. "The only way for them to understand is if they know what you go through. Show them your scars, Severus, and they'll leave you alone! Show them what Bellatrix carved on your arm!"
"Why? They don't need to know!"
"Yes they do! They need to know to not take your efforts for granted!" Remus grabbed Severus's wrist and started to drag him out when Severus stopped him.
"Severus! Why won't you just let them see? There's nothing wrong with them being put in their place!"
"Because it will do nothing to help anybody! I don't want their pity! Don't you understand?" Severus realized that he had repeated himself, but he didn't care.
"Why don't you want anyone to know?" Remus asked quietly.
"Because," Severus said quietly with conviction, "unlike you, they will only offer empty words. Soon, after a period of time, everyone will revert back to their old ways; they will then resume ignoring me and distrusting me."
Remus stepped back. "And what makes me so different, Severus?" he asked, gesturing to himself.
Severus wondered if he should say what he really wished to say. He wanted to let the werewolf know that his actions really helped him. With that in mind, he ran a hand through his hair and spoke even more softly.
"You, Remus, are different, because you are the only one who means those words of comfort. Last night, you let me shed tears on your shoulder and made me feel better about myself, something no one except Lily has been able to do. Everyone else goes out of their way to avoid me when they can. No one else sees me as a person. They see me as a tool to gain information on how to defeat the Dark Lord. It doesn't matter how I get it. As long as I get it, they pay no mind. Only when I fail to get information do they pay attention, and then the accusations start. It's a cycle that won't end until this bloody war is over. And yes, I meant the pun." Severus smirked.
Remus smiled warmly. "I think that's about the nicest thing you've ever said to me."
"Well—" Severus started, but then he hesitated a little bit. Should he really let his guard down completely?
After a few seconds of contemplating, he decided to continue.
"Well, it's been a long time since someone has shown genuine care, genuine concern for me."
After that, he hesitated again, but he ended up pulling Remus into a tight embrace.
"Thank you, Remus," he whispered.
"Any...any time, Severus," Remus whispered back.
The way they hugged like two comrades fighting a battle together, they could have been friends for years.