Chapter Text
Steven didn't know how long it was before he managed to fall silent.
The tears still fell, coursing down his cheeks violently. He felt like he was about ready to drown in them; for a moment, he almost wished he would. He almost wished, for just a second, that he would choke and suffocate on his own tears, let himself drown and diminish in his own anguish. Death would surely be a far better existence than he was experiencing right then. Far better than the grief that had taken hold of him and was shaking him violently, yelling at him to get a grip and simultaneously ripping him apart at the same time. He blinked a few times, sucking in a shuddering breath and turning his head faintly when he felt Garnet's hand on his shoulder again, looking up silently as the fusion pushed him up a little, steadying him on his knees, and ducked her head so that he had to look at her. Her visor was gone, revealing all of her eyes; for a moment, Steven could only stare at her, not knowing what to say. What could he say now? What could he possibly tell her right then? Tell any of them? He didn't think he could speak.
"Steven," Garnet's voice was cautious, steady. She gripped his shoulders as he stared up at her. "It's alright. You're alright. Just calm down, relax," the fusion soothed. "You're going to be alri-"
Steven jerked away from her and pushed himself back, yanking himself out of their grips. He caught himself with his hands before he could fall onto his back, taking in another shuddery breath and glancing between them frantically. Garnet. Amethyst. Pearl. He didn't remember everything yet, he could still feel blank spots, little fractions missing from his memory, gaps where they should have been. But he did remember his family. He remembered thinking he might not ever see them again, and he remembered preparing himself to be able to live with that for however long the Diamonds decided to keep him alive. But here he was now, surrounded by the gems he never thought he'd reunite with - and a part of him anguished over the fact that he hadn't even remembered the reunion - but it hardly mattered, knowing what he knew now.
Lapis was dead. Blue Diamond had shattered her. The hybrid's eyes flickered frantically, searching their gazes, before his wide eyes darted back toward Peridot. The little green gem looked more confused than Steven had ever seen her, bewilderment and worry etched across her face as she stared at him. The hybrid had to swallow back another grief-stricken cry at the sight of her; breaking the news to the other gems was going to be awful, but breaking the news to Peridot, who had lived with Lapis, who had befriended her, who had been ever so close…
It was going to break him as much as it broke her.
Honestly, maybe it already had.
"I'm sorry," Steven sobbed, pressing the back of his hand against his mouth. He ignored the others for the time being, even as they approached him again. Pearl crouched down beside him and laid a hand on his shoulder, and looked toward the others worriedly when he jerked away. "Lapis," he began shakily. "Lapis. I co- couldn't-" Another rush of tears flooded his eyes, blurring his vision, and he bit back another wail. "I couldn't s- save her- Bl- Blue Diamond was- sh- she-"
Everybody else reacted rather quickly then. Pearl recoiled with a gasp, folding both of her hands over her mouth, and Amethyst's pupils shrank as she stared down at the hybrid in pure shock. Garnet froze, all three eyes darting rapidly between Steven and the others - but Peridot's reaction was the only one he cared for, and he didn't even receive one. The little green gem just blinked back at him through her visor, as if she hadn't heard a word he had said. Maybe she didn't understand. Maybe it was just taking her a little bit longer to register the information. Steven held his breath for a second, chest heaving once he actually began breathing again. He felt air-deprived from sobbing so hard, lungs aching as they begged for more, more than his stuffy, clogged nose was giving him, but he was scared to open his mouth and breathe, lest he start screaming again, lest he start crying, sobbing, or lest he said something else, something bad, something that really would cause the gem in front of him to break into a thousand pieces.
"Lapis…" Peridot finally began. Her voice wavered slightly, and Steven braced himself, silently. She was ever so fragile right then; for a gem that didn't handle emotions very well, especially the negative ones, Steven knew treading with caution was the best course of action. Of course, it didn't help that he could hardly think past his own fog of sorrow and grief, past the pain that was still pounding away violently in his chest. He wished it would stop already, wished it would clear for a second and give him just a moment of clarity, enough to talk this through with Peridot. He remembered how much she cared for the other gem, how close they had been. He knew this news was going to break her no matter what he did, but he also knew that even so, he had to be gentle with it, he had to be more cautious than he had been so far, he had to not let his own emotions get in the way of what he was saying to her. "Lapis went… to Homeworld and…?"
Steven couldn't choke back another stifled sob, clasping his other hand over his mouth. Pearl's hand rested on his shoulder again, her grip shaky and loose. He couldn't bring himself to move away from her this time - mostly because he didn't think he needed the comfort as much as she might have. Lapis and Pearl had never been particularly close, not that he could remember, but this had to have shaken her. She definitely looked shaken. "I'm sorry," he found himself whispering again, shaking his head as the tears broke loose once more, freeing themselves from his eyelashes and streaming down the sides of his cheek once again. "I'm so- so sorry." He dropped his head for a second, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to compose himself. "Sh- she was right th- if I ha- hadn't b- been trying to escape Bl- Blue Diamond never w- would've-"
"No…" Peridot shook her head slightly. "No, no, Lapis can't be- Lapis can't be… she's just poofed, right? Blue Diamond has her poofed somewhere. She wouldn't have- she wouldn't-" Steven just shook his head desperately, unable to respond. He didn't even want to correct her at this point, he didn't want to have to drill it into her. He didn't have the mental or emotional strength right then to be able to do that. So he stayed quiet, trembling hands pressed to his face as he tried to breathe without opening his mouth, not daring to open his eyes and look up again.
"Garnet," he heard Pearl whisper shakily. "Garnet, he can't handle it."
"Take him back to the house," Garnet ordered quietly. Steven finally forced himself to look up when the fusion pushed herself to stand, walking over to Peridot, who was mumbling quietly to herself now, fingers digging into her hair silently. She looked up at Garnet when she approached, and when the fusion gestured toward the barn, she spared only a hesitant glance toward Steven - who quickly flicked his gaze downwards - before she turned to head off with the fusion following. The hybrid just stared after her, silent and surprisingly numb, physically; though he did feel Amethyst and Pearl lightly grabbing him under the arms, pulling him to his feet. It took him a moment to force himself to move with them, rather than against him, as they held him up; he found himself ripping his arm away from Amethyst, though he didn't quite lean into Pearl's touch either. With the memory still fresh in his mind, he couldn't handle the contact.
Amethyst hesitated, while Pearl tugged Steven forward slightly, trying to lead him to the warp pad. It took him a little while, just staring blankly toward the barn, before he could move with the pale gem, sliding his feet and stumbling after her silently as she led him away. "Hey," he heard Amethyst call back to Berry, Candy and Lemon Lime, who all seemed to be frozen; the hybrid couldn't help but glance back at them for a second, rapidly flicking his gaze between the Ruby and the Peridot. Candy just looked mournful, silent as she glanced between all of them, taking it all in. Lemon Lime looked like he didn't know whether to be more concerned for Steven or Peridot, or both, but he looked more intent on heading to the barn than following them. Berry's gaze was flicking between Steven and the barn silently - while she didn't look quite as torn as Lemon Lime did, or honestly conflicted at all, there was more sorrow in her expression than Steven had expected to see. A lingering, distressing kind of sadness, a sad realization. "You guys wanna stay here? G might need some backup with Peridot…" Amethyst paused, flicking her gaze back toward Steven and Pearl, just as the hybrid finally stepped up onto the warp pad.
"I'll stay," Lemon Lime said quietly, looking down at Berry hesitantly, then over at Candy.
Berry paused, glancing back up at Steven, then nodded and looked back toward the barn for a second. "That's probably a good idea," she mumbled, and then muttered something else under her breath that Steven didn't quite catch. He thought he saw her mouth the word 'overwhelm', but he wasn't entirely sure. And he didn't get to hear anything else before the warp pad activated, carrying him and Pearl away; the pale gem's arms wrapped around him once again, and, once again, Steven found himself shying away from the contact, shaking his head slightly.
"Oh, Steven…" Pearl heaved out a sigh, but she didn't try to touch him again after that. The hybrid didn't say anything for a moment, wrapping his arms around himself and staring at the warp stream. Through the guilt, and sorrow, and grief, there was anger. Boiling under the surface, desperate to be released, desperate to lash out. He bit the inside of his cheek and ran his tongue over his lips furiously, feeling every muscle and bone and vein in his body shudder as he shook. He didn't know whether it was from his grief or from his rage, or if it was both. But he knew he was shaking like a leaf right then, and he wasn't going to stop anytime soon. Trembling fingers curled against his arms, nails pressing lightly against the scars, and he numbly reminded himself not to break the skin. Not to rip through the scars, make them bleed.
He didn't want to make himself bleed, but he needed to get a grip on something, whether it be in an emotional, mental or physical sense. Nothing around him felt real right then- he felt like he was walking through a daydream, dizzy and numb. Nothing was making sense, he couldn't think clearly, he couldn't think about anything but Lapis and Blue Diamond and the gem shards. And Peridot, oh, Peridot, he couldn't stop thinking about how heartbroken she must be. He hoped Garnet was being gentle with her, she couldn't stand anymore heartache right then, he knew it. She was probably already anguished enough over the fact that Lapis had gone, apparently without even telling them where she was going in the first place, but to find out she was dead…
Steven was still having a hard time with that himself. It was just hitting him for the first time, after all. He'd spent four months suppressing it, four months bottling the memory up and pushing it down, locking it away in that box in the back of his mind so he didn't have to deal with it.
Arriving at the house, he saw it was mostly empty. Tangerine and Clementine were gone, and Greg had awoken - he was currently in the kitchen, messing around with some dishes and silverware. He looked up when Steven and Pearl warped in, and they stepped down from the warp pad just in time for it to activate with Amethyst having followed suit behind them. The hybrid hesitated, glancing around the house silently, taking in everything for the first time. Really taking it in, now that he had almost all of his memories back. Almost, but not quite. He found some things were still hard to name, some things looked a little out of place, some memories still missing. But most of them were there. Steven stayed silent, still looking around even as Greg dropped what he was doing to head over to them, approaching carefully and glancing at Pearl every now and again with nothing but fear and worry flickering through his eyes now. "Steven," he called out softly to the distracted hybrid, and Steven twitched slightly, finally turning his gaze back to his Dad and staring back at him. "Hey, what happened, buddy? You're…"
He reached out, and Steven flinched back, jerking his head away before his father's thumb could brush against his cheek. His own hand rose slightly, lightly touching the tears that were still lingering against his skin, on the verge of drying. He was still crying, though. He could feel even more tears welling up, trying to push their way out, and there was no way he could stop them from escaping now. He hadn't cried in so long - he didn't have any control over it anymore.
"I remembered," he whispered harshly to his Dad, in a hushed tone. His own voice was unfamiliar to his own ears. The anger lacing his words was unfamiliar. The pain, the sorrow. The grief, like nothing he'd ever felt before. It was all unfamiliar. After all this, he still didn't feel like himself anymore. Even after getting his memories back, even after realizing he wasn't Rose Quartz, he wasn't his mother, he wasn't a soldier and he certainly didn't belong on Homeworld, even after all of that, he still didn't feel like himself. He didn't recognize himself anymore. He didn't recognize the emotions pounding through his chest. He felt more disconnected from himself than he had ever felt in his life, and considering that he'd just gone the past four months with hardly any memories to account for, that was definitely saying something. "I remembered." He wished he hadn't. He wished he hadn't remembered anything. And it made him feel worse.
Greg seemed to freeze, wide eyes darting back toward the other gems for a second. He couldn't see their faces, and, honestly, he wasn't sure he wanted to right then. "Steven…" His Dad trailed off, and Steven looked up at him hesitantly, searching his gaze silently. There was nothing but worry there, even now. Of course there was. He just couldn't help but wish he'd see something else there, though he wasn't sure what else to expect from his own family. He knew they weren't going to stop worrying about him anytime soon, that was for sure. "Oh, buddy…" Greg trailed off, reaching for him again. This time, Steven let his father pull him forward by the shoulders, away from the gems, to wrap his arms around him in a hug. He wrapped one arm around Greg in return, digging his fingers into the back of his shirt and glancing past him briefly.
He pulled away again after only a few seconds, detangling himself from Greg's arms. Like always, he loved the contact, he basked in the affection, but he couldn't do that right then. He would have loved nothing more than to wrap himself up in a warm hug, to curl up in his father's arms and hide away from the rest of the world. But that wasn't an option, and he knew that. They were worried and they were going to keep asking questions and touching him and trying to comfort him and he wasn't ready for that yet. He loved them, he loved them more than anything in his whole life - he loved them more than life itself - but he couldn't be around them right then. Not until he got his thoughts in order. He didn't want them to see him break down again over this, and he had a feeling he hadn't shed the last of his tears over this situation, especially since they were still flowing freely. So the hybrid stayed silent, briefly flicking his gaze around his family's concerned faces. Amethyst and Pearl just looked as concerned as Greg did - neither of them needed his help right then, they were too busy trying to help him. And honestly, if he hadn't known that there was no way they could comfort him right now, he'd accept it happily.
After a moment, Steven glanced between them again and headed for the bathroom. Nobody tried to stop him - they just watched him carefully, and he saw Pearl had reached out to put a hand on Greg's shoulder when he turned to shut the door behind him. But not before adding, "just- just give me a second, please- I'm sorry-" Before he did, letting it click shut. He didn't bother locking it, doubting anybody was going to try to follow him right then. He just needed a few minutes, some time to collect his thoughts and try to compose himself again. And he felt guilty enough asking for even that, believe me, but he couldn't do anything right then anyway. He couldn't go out and comfort Peridot, he couldn't comfort them because they just wanted to comfort him, and he couldn't be comforted right then if he'd tried. It was happening too fast, throwing too much at him far too quickly. Time alone would do him better than anything else.
He made his way across the bathroom, climbing inside the tub and sinking down into the corner of it, curling his knees up to his chest and burying his face into his legs. And he was fully prepared to stay like that for as long as he needed to, however long it took to pull himself together. He almost wondered if it was even possible, if there was even a chance he'd be able to come back from this, if he'd ever be able to sort his thoughts out enough to genuinely process the situation. The truth was, he didn't have the answer. It had been four months. Four months since it had happened, four months since Lapis had been shattered, and he hadn't even known.
Nobody had known. Not him, and not anyone else who cared about her. She was just… dead. Dead for four months without anybody to mourn her. He could still remember feeling nothing as he looked down at the shards at his feet, wondering what had happened and whether he should have been feeling horrible over it or not. He knew something inside of him had been aching to feel guilty for it, but he was also well aware that he had done his best to stifle that just as quickly. He'd gone out of his way to stifle everything, from memories to emotions. All because of what had happened to Lapis, because he couldn't deal with it then, and he didn't think he could deal with it now. The only problem was that his memories weren't flickering out this time - he wasn't going numb now, he was just the opposite. The pain pounding against his chest was just getting worse and worse, throat restricting, making it even harder for him to breathe than before. And he knew the gems and Greg would be rushing in here if he screamed - so he kept his mouth shut and tried to breathe in through his nose, pressing his face against his legs silently.
Hours could have passed, sitting right there, just like that, letting his grief and pain drown him. And he wouldn't have noticed a thing - he was used to being locked away on his own, time seemed to fly by whenever he was. Hours could have passed, and he wouldn't have noticed. It was odd, the grief - it seemed to trap him, freezing him for a moment in time, like the pain in his chest blurred everything else around him to nothingness until it was the only thing left to feel. Time didn't pass normally. It went slowly, agonizingly so, dragging out the pain for as long as it seemed to be able to. Hours could have passed, and he wouldn't have noticed. He didn't care.
Hours passed. He didn't notice.
What he did notice, however, was the sound of the warp pad activating outside. He heard voices, each and every one of them familiar. But they were mumbling among themselves, things Steven couldn't quite catch - until, suddenly, someone was knocking on the bathroom door. The hybrid couldn't even force himself to lift his head and look up when he heard it, not really wanting to see who it was but not having the heart to be able to send anybody away. After a moment, he turned his head to the side to face the door, unable to force himself to blink his eyes open even then. "It's open," he called out quietly, heaving out a gentle sigh when he heard the doorknob turn and finally forcing himself to raise his head and blink his eyes open once again.
He wasn't too startled to see Pearl step through the door, but he was surprised to see her carrying a tray with her. His blanket was folded, tucked under one of her arms, and she was balancing a cup and a bowl on the tray as she pushed the door shut with her foot and made her way forward to him. The hybrid rubbed his arm over his eyes and sat up completely again. "You didn't have to bring me anything," he mumbled, voice wavering. "I was about to come out…"
"You don't have to come out if you're not ready," Pearl told him quietly. She lowered the tray to put it over the sink for a second, and grabbed his blanket instead, spreading it out and walking forward to wrap it around him. After a moment, the hybrid leaned forward so she could drape it over his shoulders, biting the inside of his cheek. "I just know that you don't like being alone."
Steven wanted to smile at her, but he couldn't force his lips upwards. So he just nodded, searching her gaze and hoping that his expression would relay the affection he couldn't show right then, the gratefulness that she was still there for him after everything. He didn't know how long it had been, and he didn't care. He didn't think he was still in the same state of shock and grief as he had been, but he knew he was definitely still consumed in absolute pain that he wasn't entirely sure he was going to be able to shake anytime soon. But even through all of that, he could still feel grateful. Grateful for her company, even if she couldn't comfort him right then. "M'sorry I left," he mumbled after a moment, watching her grab the tray again. "I just… I…"
"You don't have to apologize at all," Pearl huffed out a weak laugh. "If anybody understands needing- needing space and time to grieve, it's me. You've got nothing to apologize for." Steven fell silent at that, biting the inside of his cheek as she turned to face him again. The smile that appeared on her face was genuine, but sad. Not sad, he didn't think, for the gem they had lost - sad for him, but he couldn't really fathom why. He wasn't the one who had gotten shattered. "There's nothing to be sorry for," she told him quietly, stepping forward and carefully stepping over the side of the bathtub, and Steven shifted slightly to give her a little more room. Not that there wasn't a whole tub for her to sit in, with him only taking up the corner further away from the rest of the room and further away from the faucet, but he knew she'd want to sit with him. Not that he had any objections to that, but he still didn't think he was ready for contact. Not yet.
"Feels like there's a lot to be sorry for," he noted quietly as Pearl finally settled down, cross-legged, balancing the tray on her lap. She picked up the cup and handed it over to him, and the hybrid took it reluctantly after a few seconds, peering down into it silently. Good. Milk. Despite his distaste for anything with any kind of flavor, he'd take milk over water then. "She was right there," he mumbled, twirling the cup lightly in his hands, but not taking a sip yet. "Right there in front of me, a- and I couldn't- I c- couldn't even get to her." He paused, sucking in a shaky breath and sinking back slightly, curling himself up into the corner a little bit more.
Pearl shook her head. "It's not your fault, Steven…"
"She never would've-" Steven stopped, swallowing and running his tongue over his lips, and shook his head slightly, himself, as he struggled to recompose himself again. "I was trying to escape- we were gonna come back here-" He huffed out a shaky laugh. "Almost all of us… Berry, and Lemon Lime, and the Jaspers and I, we were trying to come back to Earth and…" The hybrid fell silent for a moment, the pain pounding at his chest briefly rendering him speechless. He ran his tongue over his lips once more, squeezing his eyes shut against the tears he could feel brewing in the corners of his eyes. He hadn't cried in so long, it felt unnatural to him now. He didn't know how to stop, or even how to remotely slow them down, even a little. "She caught us," he mumbled after a moment. "She caught us, and she was- so angry…"
Pearl was silent for a while, even when Steven stopped speaking, unable to continue. When the pale gem did finally speak again, her voice was quiet. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."
Steven managed to bark out a laugh at that. His own anger surprised him then - not directed toward Pearl, of course, not really. Just bitterness in general, a silent rage directed solely to the situation, to the simple fact that his friend had been killed in front of him and he hadn't been able to do anything about it, to the simple fact that he had even forgotten it had happened, to the simple fact that he was here sobbing over the blue gem when he should have been out there comforting Peridot, when he should have been out there doing anything else. Instead, he was stuck in here, wallowing in his grief and drowning in sorrow. And now, on top of everything else, he was angry. Angry at the lack of control he had over his own situation, and angry for being angry about it. Angry at himself; angry at Blue Diamond. "I'm not the one that got shattered." He swallowed, hard, as if he could choke down the rest of his sorrow and fury. He knew damn well that it wasn't a good combination, and yet he was letting it build up anyway. "I'm not the one…"
"I know," Pearl said quietly, shifting a little to turn to face him and balancing the tray on her lap carefully. Steven shook his head, staring down into the cup as she continued speaking to him. "But that doesn't make it any less of a… a traumatic experience. You're hurt. Everything they… they did to you…" The words she was saying, they were starting to sound familiar. The hybrid furrowed his eyebrows slightly, curling his fingers even tighter around the cup in his hand. "Turning yourself in as your mother…" Definitely familiar. "And then what happened to Lapis… it's no wonder you…" The pale gem trailed off, settling her hand over her mouth after a moment.
Steven continued to stare down at the cup for a moment, furrowing his eyebrows. Familiar… Why was that so familiar…? You're hurt… everything they did to you… turning yourself in as your mother… he had heard those words before, he had heard Pearl say those words before. But he'd been back on Homeworld back then, he'd been in the Room. Pearl had been there, but she wasn't really Pearl, was she? She was saying all those things about him being Rose Quartz, about him just forgetting everything about Homeworld and the rebellion, about him suppressing the memories. Taunting him, telling him he knew he deserved to be shattered. The hybrid sucked in a shaky breath, holding it for a moment. The dread settling in the pit of his stomach turned cold with terror, his entire body shuddering with the force of it all, as if he was about to crumble and collapse under the weight of his own emotions right then and there.
"Are you real?" He dared to whisper into the silence, staring down at the cup.
A beat of silence passed before Pearl spoke, carefully, "wh- what?"
"I need to know," Steven mumbled, voice trembling. He wasn't even making an effort to hold it steady - there wasn't a point, whether or not Pearl was real. "I need to kn- know if you're real… or if you're gonna l- like- go off on me or s- something, because I can't…" He ran his tongue over his lips again, biting the inside of his cheek and trying to think. He'd seen her come in, and she definitely looked and felt and sounded real. The blanket over him felt real, the cup in his hands felt real, but he knew that didn't mean anything. Unless, somehow, she had been real. But Steven didn't see how that would have worked out. He didn't see how it could have been.
"I-" Pearl's voice choked off slightly; Steven felt his own throat restrict in response, finally managing to tear his gaze back up to her. She was still covering her mouth, this time with tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. The tray was abandoned on her lap, held steady by her legs. But he didn't think it would last long, with the way she was trembling now. "I'm real, Steven."
Well, the fact that she'd said his name was a good sign. The hybrid continued to hesitate for a moment, wavering slightly on the verge of distrust and longing. She was there. They were on Earth. Of course she was real, there wasn't any reason for her not to be - though, there wasn't particularly any reason she couldn't have been, either. Steven paused, sucking in another breath and finally letting himself sink back against the tub again, this time with the blanket pressed between him and the cold surface, something soft to shield his back when he slumped backwards against the hard wall of the side of the tub. Pearl finally scooted toward him, reaching out to put the tray on the side of the tub instead, and reached out, hands pausing an inch away from him, as if to ask for permission. When the hybrid didn't recoil or flinch away, she carefully wrapped her arms around him, and Steven sank sideways against her, still shaking.
"I'm so sorry," Pearl whispered, pressing her mouth into his hair. "I'm sorry we couldn't come get you… I'm sorry you went through all of that pain, and that fear, and all of that without us. B- but-" The pale gem stopped, breathing in shakily, and continued, "but we're here- we're here now. You're back home, and you're- you're safe. I know it h- hurts, I know it'll always still hurt…" She buried her face into his hair, and he blinked, silent, as he felt more tears rise up. They fell almost immediately sliding down his cheeks almost gently. He felt them brush against his skin, like the gentle touch of warm fingers. It just made more rise up in the end, and those fell just as quickly. "But we've got you," Pearl breathed. "W- we've got you and we're not gonna let anything else happen to you. We're going to get through this." She offered him a gentle squeeze. "Together."
He couldn't hold himself back then. A quiet, loose sob broke free from his lips, and that was it. Every bit of the self-control he still had snapped away - and Pearl was right there, holding him as he finally broke down again. These sobs were muffled and choked, almost silent now. No screaming, no agonized wails. He just cried, and Pearl pulled him even closer, gently removing the cup from his grip and putting it away with the tray as she pulled him into his lap and held him, wrapping her arms around him firmly and pressing her face into his hair again as she reached up, knuckles gently gliding across his cheeks to wipe the tears away as they fell. Eventually, the quiet sobs subsided, but the tears continued to rise and fall as they were then. By that point, Steven thought it best to just accept his fate. To accept the tears, and the pain. To accept the guilt. The anger. The sorrow. All of it. To accept it, because he could finally feel it now. He could finally feel all the emotions he hadn't been able to feel after it had happened. And, yeah, he had four month's worth of pain and guilt to make up for… and he'd accept it.
He accepted the grief as it came. There was no point trying to fight it anymore; he'd seen what happened when he did. He wasn't prepared to go through all of that again. Neither were they.
A while passed like that, curled up and collapsed in Pearl's arms while she rubbed his shoulder, an attempt to comfort him that wasn't really falling through. He appreciated her company regardless - the fact that she was there, while it didn't numb the pain or the grief, it did soothe him a little. The fact that he knew where he was, safe on Earth, free to be able to finally accept the pain, and try to learn to deal with it, even if in the end he wasn't able to. Truthfully, Steven didn't know, even now, if he would ever be able to. But he was grateful Pearl was there with him. The hybrid swallowed, leaning his head back against the pale gem's shoulder and finally blinking his eyes open, albeit somewhat reluctantly, when he heard the doorknob jiggle; his pupils shrank slightly despite himself, silently staring toward the door until it creaked open.
Amethyst was the first to step through, followed quickly by Garnet; the two seemed to hesitate as the fusion reached back to shut the door behind her, and Pearl lifted her head from Steven's silently while the hybrid just stayed where he was, not having the physical strength to move. "Hey…" Amethyst trailed off slightly, wandering a few steps forward and offering the two a hesitant, somewhat shaky smile as she glanced between them. Her eyes rested on Steven's, her gaze meeting the hybrid's silently for a moment. Steven just stared. "Room for two more…?"
"Always," Steven whispered after a few seconds.
Amethyst was the first to climb in with them. Steven watched her through heavy eyelids as she settled herself down beside him, in the empty corner the hybrid had been curled up in before Pearl had pulled him into her arms. Next came Garnet, who carefully removed the tray and cup from the side of the tub before she stepped in, putting both of her legs in the bathtub with them and seating herself on the edge of it after a moment. Steven turned his head slightly against Pearl's shoulder, just enough to be able to tuck his head underneath hers - but after a moment, he paused, another quiet shudder rippling through him, and turned his head again to look back up toward the fusion. "Is Peridot okay?" He managed to choke the question out through another blur of tears, blinking them back furiously and shaking his head slightly at himself as they fell.
Garnet hesitated. He watched her hands curl, thumbs rubbing lightly over the gems in her palms as she turned her head. He couldn't see her eyes, but he knew she was exchanging glances with Amethyst and Pearl, knew she was debating on what she should say to him. The hybrid just couldn't decide, himself, whether he wanted the truth… or reassurance. But it didn't matter anyway; the fusion finally steeled herself, looking back down at Steven, and frowned. "No."
Steven squeezed his eyes shut, surprisingly unprepared for the burst of pain, the fear that twisted itself through him. He had to bite his tongue to keep himself from crying out again.
"Berry and Lemon Lime are with her." Garnet paused, and Steven heard her breathe in slightly, almost shakily, before she continued carefully, "I explained… the situation to the best of my ability, but I'm not entirely sure if she…" She didn't need to finish; Steven understood. He understood completely, how blinding grief could be, how if you were desperate enough, you could delude yourself into believing something wasn't true, that it was better than it really was.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled after a moment, swallowing past the lump in his throat and closing his eyes again. He was so tired right then, and he couldn't even figure out whether it was in an emotional or physical sense. Maybe a little bit of both. He turned his head again slightly, tucking it under Pearl's chin again, and the pale gem offered him a light squeeze as she pulled him even closer and rested her head on top of his again. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry I freaked out, I-" He sucked in a shaky breath. "I'm sorry I couldn't r- remember what happened sooner, I could've told everyone already a- and… and…" After a moment, he found himself faltering. Would it have mattered if he had been able to tell them the day before? Or when he'd first arrived? Hell, if he had remembered then, would he have been able to tell them anything if he wasn't stuck in a grief-stricken daze, half-unable to even control what he was saying at the time? He didn't know. He didn't know if he'd have been able to tell them anything. He didn't know if he could have been able to see that look on their faces - making them upset had been unbearable enough when he didn't have his memories. Now it was just downright mortifying to him. "I'm… sorry," he managed to choke out, furrowing his eyebrows and squeezing his eyes shut a little tighter now.
He felt Garnet's hand against his back, thumb gently rubbing over his shoulder-blades. And he heard Amethyst huff out a quiet, somewhat choked laugh. "Sooner or later, you're gonna run out of things to apologize for, little man…" The purple gem trailed off when she got little more than a shrug from the hybrid, still unable to even force his lips to form even the tiniest smile he had. "And you've got nothing to be sorry for," Amethyst mumbled after a few moments of silence. "You're the one that's been having to deal with this crap. All this time, too…" She hesitated. Steven just shook his head slightly, not knowing how to respond. "God, Steven… I'm sorry…"
"What are you apologizing for?" The hybrid asked desperately, finally blinking his eyes open. The gems didn't respond, so Steven continued, trying to keep his voice steady, "y- you guys didn't even do anything. None of you did anything. You- you've been so nice and- and supportive and comforting and-" He huffed out a shaky laugh after a moment, another rush of warm tears blurring his vision until he successfully managed to blink them away once again. "A- and I know I don't deserve any of that. I know I especially didn't when I showed up! I was scared o- of you, and- and you," he added quickly, looking toward both Garnet and Amethyst. Both of the gems seemed to have frozen; Amethyst opened her mouth as if to speak, but she couldn't seem to be able to spit anything out. "I didn't remember anything, I- I didn't even want to be here to begin with! I wanted to be back- b- back on H- Homeworld because at least I knew what to-" He stopped himself quickly, sucking in a shaky breath and letting it out in a quiet, stifled sob. "But you've been- y- you've been h- helping me and- and making me feel s- safe even though I didn't… even though I couldn't…" The hybrid wavered again, letting his head fall back onto Pearl's shoulder. Another sob broke through his lips, this one a little more hysterical now.
"Of course you deserve…" Pearl's voice sounded strangled. "Steven… Steven- just because you didn't remember, that doesn't-" The pale gem shifted slightly, pulling away from him, and Steven tensed slightly as he leaned back. Pearl caught his face in her hands, forcing his head up slightly so that he had to look up at her, meeting her gaze with wide, tear-filled eyes.
"It did not matter," she began shakily, "whether you came back with- with your memories or not. I didn't think you would ever-" Her lower lip trembled, and Steven stared. "I didn't think I would ever get to see you again. And yes, it hurt… it hurt to know what they did to you, what- what they made you believe and- and how scared you were, but none of that mattered to me as much as having you back home." The pale gem shook her head furiously, and Steven watched her own tears rise up and fall freely. He wanted to reach out and rub them away, but he couldn't. He found himself frozen as Pearl looked back down at him, nothing but desperation and sorrow in her eyes, nothing but guilt and pain and the worry he'd seen reflected on her face since the moment he had first locked eyes on her. "Memories or not, Steven, y- you are still my baby." She choked back a sob. "Nothing will ever- ever change how much I love you. Nothing."
"Hear, hear," Amethyst mumbled. Steven glanced over at her, faltering slightly when he saw the tears in her own eyes, on the verge of spilling but not quite there yet. The purple gem caught his gaze, hesitating, then grimaced as she lifted a hand. But instead of rubbing her own tears away, she reached out to lightly brush her thumb across his cheek. He didn't flinch from the touch, letting her wipe away some of the tears that were still falling. "Buddy, you don't ever have to worry about that," she told him quietly, swallowing. "Your home is here. It's always been here. We're your family, we're not gonna turn you away because of some kind of cosmic amnesia."
"Amethyst," Pearl scolded. After a moment, though, she huffed out a wet laugh and nodded, reaching up to rub at her eyes and shaking her head at them slightly. "It's true, though…"
"You're a Crystal Gem, Steven," Garnet murmured, resting a hand on his head. The hybrid swallowed, twisting as much as he could in Pearl's arms to be able to look up at her. A thin tear had trailed down the side of her face, but otherwise, she seemed to be making an effort to hold herself together. "Nothing is ever going to change that. We will always, always care for you."
Silence followed for a few moments. Steven, leaning silently into Garnet's touch while Amethyst rubbed the rest of his tears away and finally reached up to wipe her own cheeks as her own tears finally began to spill, he didn't really know what to say. He didn't know how to express how grateful he felt for all of them, how amazed and how lucky he was to have a family like this. People who still tried their best to do right by him, even though he couldn't remember them. He couldn't say he wouldn't do the same if he was in the same situation. He couldn't say he wouldn't love them, too, no matter who they were, no matter what they remembered. But the fact that they had been able to put aside their own pain, and how much this situation had clearly hurt all of them in so, so many different ways, just for him… it was somehow still astounding. They really did love him, and he knew that. And yet he still couldn't fathom it. He didn't get it.
… but, right then, he didn't need to. He supposed for the time being…
He could just… accept it. Accept it, and be thankful.
"Yeah…" Amethyst trailed off for a second, and Steven furrowed his eyebrows, glancing over at her. The purple gem offered him a huge grin, despite the tears still pricking at the corners of her eyes. "That's what I told you, little man. You're a Crystal Gem. Just like us. And you know us…" The grin seemed to widen, and Steven blinked back at her. But his eyes widened, ever so slightly, when she started singing. The song was familiar; very familiar. He remembered it. He knew what it was the second the first word left his lips, and it only confirmed it when she went on. "If you're evil and you're on the rise… you can count on the four of us taking you down…"
The hybrid finally cracked a small, shaky smile. Garnet huffed out a chuckle, while Pearl, with a quiet hum, joined in, "'cause we're good and evil never beats us… we'll win the fight…"
"And then go out for pizzas," Garnet continued. "We…"
Steven stayed silent, just listening to them for a moment. The small smile on his face widened, just a little, remembering the times he'd spent sitting there singing the song to himself with the gems. They'd join in on occasion, singing what Steven liked to think was their 'theme song' along with him, and he was always delighted. Especially when they reached the end of it. But for the moment, he was content to stay quiet while the gems continued singing, as Amethyst and Pearl chimed in together after Garnet, perfectly in sync as they sang, "are the Crystal Gems…!"
"We'll always save the day," Pearl laughed softly, leaning toward to press a kiss to Steven's forehead. The hybrid closed his eyes for a moment, relaxing into her touch with a gentle sigh. "And if you think we can't…"
"We'll always find a way," Amethyst sang. "That's why the people of this world… believe in…"
"Garnet…" Garnet's hand rested on his head, gently running through his hair. He leaned into the touch silently, closing his eyes. Garnet. He remembered how fun she always used to be, how gentle she had always been with him, how much she always tried to protect him. He remembered how many times he had gone to her for advice, for assistance. He remembered how many nights he had sat awake after watching her get destabilized, kept up by nightmares; he remembered how she would just hold him close and kiss his head and promise that everything was fine. He remembered how much she loved him, how much he had loved her. She had always been there for him before, and she was still there for him, even now.
"Amethyst." And Amethyst, she had always been like… like a big sister to him. At least, he always imagined she was what a big sister would be like, if he had one. She teased him sometimes, played around and messed with him - but she was always there when he needed her. Always there to talk with, to play games with. Always there to drag him out day after day to go out and eat something, and go out to town and play hide and seek around Beach City. He remembered that. He remembered how they shared donuts and Cookie Cats and fry bits. And, even though she wasn't too great with talking about feelings and stuff, he remembered that she had usually come through on the rare occasions he had come to her for anything like that.
"And Pearl…~" And Pearl…? Of course, she was there for him. She was like a mother to him, and that was very important for the hybrid. She was the one he looked to for emotional comfort… or at least, he had used to. He couldn't even remember, himself, when that had started changing. But he did remember that whenever he was upset or confused, all he needed to do was go to her for a hug and a kiss on the head and he would feel a thousand times better. Knowing she was there for him made a big difference for him in his life; he loved his father and he loved the other gems, but Pearl was the kind of figure he found himself lacking in his life. While it was true that Garnet was like a mother, Pearl was the mom. The one that spoiled him, and yet fretted over and protected him and made sure that he was healthy and happy.
They were all there for him now. Each one of them. And with their support, and their love, and their company, Steven thought… maybe, just maybe, they could all get through this. The threat of Homeworld and the Diamonds was still looming over their heads, and he knew better than to assume that they were going to get out of this unscathed. They'd be lucky to get out of this without being shattered, and he knew that just as well. He couldn't imagine Blue Diamond's fury right then - oh, but he could imagine his own. He felt nothing but rage for the gem that had shattered his friend, the gem that had broken him beyond his own recognition. Even his fear for her couldn't amount to the fury he felt toward her, and he wasn't about to try and stifle it. As far as he was concerned, Blue Diamond didn't have a chance at redemption. Steven wasn't going to waste the rest of his life trying to coax her toward the 'right path', because every moment he had spent trying to, she had just dragged him right back down. He didn't need the satisfaction of knowing she could be a better person. Maybe she could. Maybe there was still a chance. But Steven didn't care enough about her at that point to be the one that guided her toward the light. He would get his satisfaction by making sure she never had the chance to hurt anyone again. As long as he was still alive, he wasn't going to let her do this. Not to him, and not to them.
She hadn't been merciful to him. To Lapis. Steven wasn't wasting his breath talking to someone who was far too trapped in her own rage and grief to be able to open her ears and listen.
He didn't need her. He had everyone he needed right here, on Earth.
He was a Crystal Gem.
He was Steven fucking Universe.
And he'd be damned if he didn't finish what he started.
"And Steven…"