Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

10h51

The snow was falling outside the window. It was uncommon for snow to fall this much at this time of the year. And yet, everyone had been waiting for it so much that media outlets had announced a white Christmas - it was disappointing when it didn't happen. Instead, they got a white New Year's Eve.

The first snow of winter always hit Jeongin the hardest. He eventually got used to it every time, only for it all to melt away, and then he was hit again the following year. He thought it was funny, how there was truly no way to manipulate life and pick the moments that stuck with him. He couldn't predict what would stay forever as a memory. He had once thought that it was enough to avoid having the big moments on the big days to avoid memories sticking around for too long. He had once thought that by avoiding Seungmin kissing him in the snow on his birthday, he would forget that memory. He didn't. He thought about it more than the day they actually kissed. He thought about it with every first snow of the year, every snowflake, every time the cold hit his face, every time the wind messed with his hair. He remembered the sensation, Seungmin's fingers in his hair. It all came back to him.

‘Jeongin?’

Jeongin hummed and looked away from the window. His therapist was smiling at him, with a hint of pity. He had been seeing her for two years now. The snow thing had come up many times. The Seungmin thing had come up even more times.

‘Sorry,’ he cleared his throat. ‘I was just... Thinking.’

She shook her head. ‘That's okay. I know snow brings back many memories for you. Do you have something planned for today?’

Jeongin nodded. ‘Yeah, there's going to be a party at the apartment so... I'll be a lot of things, just not alone.’

She smiled. ‘That's good.’

Jeongin looked out the window again. The snow kept falling. His chest still felt heavy. It had been two years, but he was still just as bad at talking. They all said he had gotten better. He thought they were trying to be nice.

‘What are you thinking about?’ Jeongin shrugged, and he knew it was enough for her to know. ‘We've talked about this before, but... Have you thought about reaching out?’

Jeongin looked back at her. ‘I don't think he wants to hear from me.’

‘How can you be so sure?’

‘He left because I broke him.’

‘He wasn't perfect either.’ Jeongin shook his head. ‘And you forgave him.’

‘It's not the same.’

‘Why?’

‘Because what I did and said was worse.’

She pressed her lips into a thin line. ‘If your feelings about the situation have changed, why do you think his wouldn't after 5 years?’ 

Jeongin blinked and looked away again. ‘It's closer to 6 years now. How pathetic is that?’

‘It's not pathetic to be hurt, especially when you never got proper closure. What would you say to him if you saw him?’

Jeongin used to have a sheet of paper for that. He held on to it for months, for years, not letting anyone read it, touch it, or even know about it. At some point, he let go. It was still in a box out there, maybe at his parents' house - but he never went back there. He had forgotten most of the list, but the most important point, the one at the top of the list, had stayed engraved in his brain, like a tattoo in the form of a knot on his throat.

‘That I loved him,’ he said.

‘You don't love him anymore?’

‘I don't know him anymore,’ said Jeongin simply.

He often wondered what Seungmin liked now. If Seungmin liked the same Marvel movies, if he had seen the last ones, and what he thought of their downfall. Every time DAY6 came on the radio, he wondered if it was still his favorite band and if his favorite song by them had changed. Every time he saw a book on the shelves that he remembered Seungmin reading, he wondered if Seungmin had read it again, if his thoughts about it had changed.

The truth was that Seungmin probably had other favorite movies, probably from the past 6 years. Seungmin could've found a new favorite band. New York had a big music scene, from what Jeongin knew. Perhaps he had discovered an underground band, or perhaps he listened to the most mainstream bands that played on the radio there. Seungmin probably had read even more books, and the ones that he had read during high school were just a faint memory, words he had forgotten. He probably thought back to those books, maybe saw them on a shelf somewhere, and said, "I read that one. I liked it. I don't remember anything about it," and he would move on because it wouldn't matter if he remembered. They just weren't that important. Jeongin wondered if that was the same way Seungmin felt about him.

Time was up. Jeongin paid for the session with the credit card in the pocket of his thick coat. He put on the coat, his scarf, and a beanie. He put gloves on, but shoved his hands in the pockets of his coat anyway before he went out again into the cold. Once outside, he let the cold air hit him and looked at how everything had turned white. Snow was beautiful, he had to admit. But it was just tainted for him, maybe forever.

He entered the coffee shop located right next to the therapist's office and let the warmth envelop his body as he looked around. He didn't take long to find who he was looking for. Hyunjin always opted for the tables near the window, even in winter. He was typing on his computer, totally lost in what he was doing. Jeongin started to remove his gloves as he walked up to him and took the seat right in front of him. Hyunjin looked up and smiled.

‘All done?’

‘All done,’ said Jeongin. He reached for the credit card and handed it back to Hyunjin. ‘Here. Thanks again.’

‘Oh, right,’ said Hyunjin, reaching for it. He looked through the pockets of the coat that was hanging on the back of his chair and took out his wallet to put the card back in its rightful place.

‘She's changing the rate next year.’

Hyunjin blinked, surprised. ‘Fuck, why?’

Jeongin shrugged. ‘Something about having to adapt to the prices of things now.’

Hyunjin snorted. ‘I wish she'd adapted to the salaries.’

Jeongin pressed his lips. ‘I'll pick up more shifts though, so I can cover the difference or mo-’

‘No, you won't,’ said Hyunjin firmly.

‘Hyunjin-’

‘You'll keep your normal shifts and you'll focus on finishing college and taking care of yourself, okay? That continues to be the deal, no matter how expensive it gets.’ Hyunjin looked back at his computer. ‘They're making me work so many hours over time at this point that it might as well make it worth something.’

Jeongin felt bad about all the things Hyunjin gave him. He gave him way too much of a break after cutting him off for years with no single explanation - not that he had one. He gave him way too much support for someone like him. 

It's only when a silhouette walked behind Hyunjin that Jeongin noticed the extra empty coffee cup in front of the chair on Hyunjin’s left.

‘Damn, you woke up this early?’ asked Jeongin, smiling, amused at Jisung's sleepy face.

‘Is it waking up if you slept for one hour?’ asked Jisung, his voice more hoarse than usual.

‘What is Hyunjin doing to you?’

Hyunjin rolled his eyes while Jeongin smiled. 

‘Literally nothing,’ said Hyunjin quietly.

‘Actually, yes, you are,’ said Jisung quickly, and he turned to Jeongin. ‘Can you tell him he can't bail tonight?’

‘What?’ asked Jeongin, turning to Hyunjin.

‘It's not my choice!’

‘You already missed last year's New Year's party!’ argued Jisung. ‘I have no issue kissing Minho at midnight, but I have two boyfriends for a reason.’

Hyunjin rolled his eyes again. ‘You really think I prefer to work at another shitty gallery event assisting rich ass people over partying with you guys? If I could, I would skip it.’

Jisung pouted. ‘No fair.’

‘Say that to capitalism. We're understaffed, there's nothing I can do about it.’

‘You could quit.’

Hyunjin smiled but didn't answer, because he would never take that as an actual option. There were too many things to buy, bills to pay, and Jeongin was to blame for half of it. Hyunjin could argue all he wanted that he didn't want to quit his part-time job at the art gallery, which was really a full-time job with all the extra hours he did, because it was the perfect job to further his career in the art world. Jeongin knew that if he didn't have to pay half of his rent for him and cover his therapy, he would see things much differently. Maybe he would be working at a smaller, independent art gallery, working with small up-and-coming artists, instead of a bougie art gallery full of condescending people who exploited him. 

Jeongin watched Hyunjin finish his coffee quickly, and he then followed them both out the door. Hyunjin had parked the car close enough that they didn’t have the time to get cold again. Jisung called shotgun when Hyunjin was struggling to open the door of the used car his parents had gotten him for his birthday a few months before his college graduation. Two years later, it had already begun to slowly fall apart.

Jisung played the music loudly while Jeongin sat in the back, looking out the window, and tuning out Jisung's voice singing along. It only took a few minutes for them to park in front of the community center, which Jeongin had only become familiar with because Minho held many of his meetings with the association he had built there. Minho didn’t take long to come out of the building, talking to Sohee. 

Jeongin didn’t know much about her. With two years away, Jeongin had learned to accept gaps he would never be able to fully fill - and she was one of those. He knew Jisung had met her back when they had come to Seoul for a weekend. He knew they had found each other again. By the time Jeongin arrived back in their lives, she seemed to be closer to Minho. Even with all the gaps, it didn’t come as a surprise when they both decided to create their own LGBTQ+ association together. 

‘Hey! Are you coming tonight?’ asked Jisung, rolling down his window, with a big smile on his face, as Minho and Sohee approached the car.

Sohee shook her head. ‘I have my own party going on in Itaewon. You’re welcome if you want.’

‘Can’t. We promised.’

Sohee nodded slowly. ‘Figured. If you change your mind, let me know.’

‘Oh, hi, Innie,’ said Minho, once he entered the car, ruffling his hair. Jeongin leaned back and groaned as he rearranged his hair as if it hadn’t already been messed up by his beanie. ‘You stole my seat,’ said Minho, this time addressing Jisung - he had rolled up the window, and Sohee was walking away.

‘I have a perpetual shotgun, actually,’ argued Jisung. ‘You two can switch the conductor seat, but I remain here.’

‘I'm older, you know.’

‘I'm hotter.’

‘Prove it.’

‘Can you take me home already?’ intervened Jeongin quickly. Hyunjin laughed as he drove back into the road.

‘You're not staying for lunch?’ asked Minho, now leaning back on the seat and putting his seat belt on.

‘Oh, you totally should!’ said Jisung excitedly. ‘We're cooking chicken.’

‘Chicken?’ asked Hyunjin.

‘We?’ asked Minho at the same time. ‘When's the last time you turned on the oven?’

‘More importantly, we said tteokbokki today,’ said Hyunjin. ‘The weather is perfect for tteokbokki.’

‘You picked the food yesterday, though,’ argued Jisung.

‘But it's snowing!’

‘When do I get to pick?’ asked Minho from the back seat.

Hyunjin looked at Minho through the rearview mirror while Jisung turned to him as best as he could from the passenger seat.

‘What do you want then?’ asked Hyunjin.

Minho shrugged. ‘Let's do a nice grilled meat with some ramen.’

Jisung's pout was replaced by a smile. ‘Sounds good.’

‘I'm so hungry already,’ said Hyunjin.

Jeongin couldn't help but laugh and shake his head at the way both of them had folded for Minho without a single thought.

‘You sure you don't want to stay?’ asked Minho again, quieter.

‘All I want right now is a shower and rest,’ said Jeongin. ‘I think there are leftovers from yesterday in the fridge, too.’

Minho didn't argue, simply smiled at him, and Jeongin leaned his head against the window. His appointments weren't usually this early, but his therapist had made an exception to see him today, as his week had been too busy with shifts at the comic book store to make up for the weeks he had spent studying and taking his finals. He had woken up too late to have breakfast or even have a simple shower. All he wanted right now was a hot shower to wash it all away.

Hyunjin left him in front of the building not long after. Jeongin reminded them of the things they had promised to bring to the party that night, and he quickly entered the building to avoid the cold. He slowly got up the stairs until he reached the fourth floor, and he opened the door. The living room was empty, but Jeongin could hear the shower running. Bad news for him. He would have to wait for what he wanted the most.

He removed all his outerwear and didn't care to throw it anywhere other than on the couch in the middle of the living room. He went to the fridge to check for something to eat, but eventually opted for an apple just as his name was called out.

‘Jeongin? Are you back?’

Jeongin walked into the hallway that led to the bedrooms. And instead of taking the door on the right to his room, he went to the one that was in front of him.

‘You have clothes on, right?’

He heard a laugh. ‘Yes, dude.’

Jeongin opened the door, and indeed, Changbin was simply lying in bed, but he was wearing the plain black t-shirt he usually slept in.

‘You left early this morning?’

‘Therapy,’ said Jeongin, taking a bite of his apple.

‘Hyunjin took you?’

Jeongin nodded as he chewed. ‘I reminded them of the stuff for tonight.’

Changbin smiled. ‘Good boy.’

Jeongin looked at the unmade bed, which he knew had clean sheets. He had seen Changbin put them on the night before.

‘You didn't have sex last night, did you?’

Changbin laughed. ‘What even is that question?’

‘I want to lie down, but not if it's nasty.’

‘What do you think goes on during sex?’

‘Lots of sweating and other body fluids.’

Changbin rolled his eyes with a laugh. ‘The sheets are still clean, Innie. Promise.’

‘Cool.’

Jeongin let his body fall on the bed next to Changbin, without getting into the sheets.

‘Is it cold outside?’ asked Changbin.

‘It’s snowing, Bin. It’s freezing.’

‘Damn it. I was hoping to use the roof so we can avoid the neighbours being a pain in the ass.’

Changbin had thrown one too many parties in this apartment, and the neighbours had complained one too many times. Now, every time there was a slight noise, there was a complaint in fear it would escalate too quickly - which it had before. Their New Year’s Eve party had a very selective guest list to avoid overcrowding and too much noise, which Jeongin liked but Changbin hated.

‘How was it?’

‘Therapy?’ Changbin nodded. ‘Fine. Same as always.’

‘It's snowing,’ said Changbin under his breath.

Jeongin looked at Changbin and nodded. ‘I know. I just told you that.’

‘You feeling okay?’

‘It'll be fine.’

‘You let us know and we cancel the whole thing.’

Jeongin smiled. ‘You don't have to.’

‘I always knew I would find you in bed with another man one day.’

Neither of them had heard the shower turn off, so they were both surprised to find Hyunwoo at the frame of the door, drying his black hair with a towel. The only other thing he was wearing was a towel around his waist. Jeongin covered his eyes quickly.

Hyunwoo was another gap for Jeongin. He knew they had met around the first or second year of college, and by the time Jeongin was back in Changbin's life, Hyunwoo always seemed to be a presence around Changbin. They partied together, they studied together, they did everything together. Jeongin had taken a moment to warm up to him because he wasn't like Sohee; Hyunwoo was a huge part of Changbin's life, and it was a huge change for Jeongin. It wasn't a shock to anyone when, after pushing and pulling, they finally ended up dating. Jeongin had gaps, but it had taken him a few days of knowing Hyunwoo to know he was head over heels for Changbin. Changbin didn't have the gaps, but it took him way longer to accept love from someone who loved and accepted every part of him, even the ugly parts.

‘Geez, can you put clothes on?’

‘Please, Jeongin is barely a man,’ said Changbin, laughing.

‘Fuck you,’ said Jeongin.

‘Don't be a baby. You can check him out if you want. He's hot, it's natural.’

‘I hate you,’ said Jeongin under his breath, feeling his cheeks burning red.

‘Don't say such things to our child,’ said Hyunwoo, and Jeongin could hear he had moved closer to him. He then felt a shift in the bed, someone lying next to him. Jeongin shrieked.

‘Tell me you got dressed.’

‘I did.’

Jeongin removed his hands from his eyes and noticed just how close Hyunwoo was to him, but at least he was wearing clothes. Jeongin found himself trapped between the two of them and had to shriek again.

‘I'm not your child, by the way.’

‘We literally birthed you.’

Jeongin managed to get out of the grip of both of them as Changbin giggled.

‘I'm gonna shower,’ he announced, and he left the room, closing the door behind him and forgetting his half-eaten apple. 

Jeongin didn't choose to live with a couple. He chose to live on his own, even if it was in a place the size of a shoe box. But life happened, and life had different plans for him. Jeongin hadn't even chosen which couple to live with. When he first moved in with Changbin, he wasn't even dating Hyunwoo yet. But when it came to it, if Jeongin had to choose, he would choose them every single time.

He opened the door to his room that wasn't really his room. It had his clothes in the closet, it had his belongings on the desk, but the walls were still covered in the decorations Hyunjin had picked - mostly paintings and pictures from his first few years of college when he was still occupying this room. When Jeongin first moved in, there were more nights spent on the couch, and there was less space in the closet. Now, all the clothes Hyunjin had left, Jeongin used himself, and he hadn't spent a night on the couch for maybe a year. But they still acted like this was Hyunjin's room. At first, Jeongin had felt like, at any point, Hyunjin had the power to take everything away from him; now, he saw this more as an excuse for Hyunjin to let him have a roof without having to worry. But Jeongin did worry. Jeongin worried he was too much, asked too much, needed too much. But no one ever acted as such. They accepted Jeongin with his many flaws and many struggles. He had taken it for granted before, for too long. He was trying to be different, to be better, if not for himself, for everyone who saw the good in him.

11h44

If it weren't for the cold, Felix would've stood contemplating the building for way longer than a couple of minutes. But, despite the war in his mind, there was only so much cold he could take. Instead, he stared at the stares as he rearranged his beanie and took a big breath. The walk up the four floors felt longer than usual, but eventually he arrived at the door that was so familiar to him. He stopped for a second and knocked on the door. He heard voices and shuffling behind, but he stood still.

Changbin was the one to open the door. It hadn’t been part of Felix’s plan.

‘Oh, hey,’ said Changbin, slightly surprised. ‘He's in the shower.’

‘Oh, okay,’ said Felix quietly.

‘Come in, though! I'm sure he won't be long.’

Felix whispered a soft "thanks" as he entered the living room. Hyunwoo was sitting on the couch and immediately smiled and waved at him when their eyes met.

‘Jeongin didn't tell me you were coming over,’ said Changbin, closing the door behind him.

‘He didn’t know,’ said Felix. He himself didn't know when he woke up that morning, he would have to make a pit stop at Jeongin's place. Plans changed. 

‘Want anything to drink?’ asked Changbin.

Felix shook his head. ‘No, that’s okay, thanks.’

‘You're bringing dessert tonight, right?’ asked Hyunwoo. ‘I'm doing last-minute shopping just in case.’

‘Don't worry, I got you,’ said Felix with a smile.

Changbin sat down next to Hyunwoo on the couch and took a sip of his coffee. Felix opted to sit down on one of the seats at the kitchen's bar. 

‘Are your roommates coming, by the way? We're finalizing the list so it doesn't get out of hand.’

Felix shook his head. ‘No, they're having their own thing at our place.’

Hyunwoo gave him a thumbs up as he wrote something in the paper he had in front of him. Changbin seemed amused.

‘The fewer people, the merrier apparently.’

‘Not that we don't love your roommates!’ added Hyunwoo quickly. ‘Blame the neighbors.’

Felix smiled. ‘It's okay, don't worry. How many people are coming?’

Hyunwoo looked back at the list. ‘About thirty, and it better be thirty very well-behaved people, or Changbin will get evicted. I only have space for one person in my place, so Jeongin will end up in the street.’

Felix was too focused on Hyunwoo to notice that Jeongin had stepped into the living room and leaned against the wall.

‘How nice,’ he said.

Felix turned to him, surprised. ‘Hey!’

‘Hey,’ said Jeongin, smiling, but seemingly confused. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘Have you had lunch?’

‘I haven't even had breakfast,’ said Jeongin, frowning.

‘Great, me neither! Let's go out. My treat.’

Felix held his smile as much as he could, but he could see Jeongin's confusion and the way he turned to Changbin and Hyunwoo. Changbin simply shrugged.

‘We didn't raise you to say no to free food, Yang Jeongin,’ said Hyunwoo.

Jeongin rolled his eyes. ‘Sure, let's go.’

Felix smiled and had to wait for Jeongin to put on his coat, gloves, and beanie before they went out into the cold again. It wasn't rare for them to go out for food or a drink near the apartment, so they knew exactly where they were going. The place wasn't too crowded, and Felix picked the perfect table, away from everything. Jeongin didn't hold back in his order, picking waffles, a milkshake, and a side of bacon. Felix couldn't stomach anything, so he simply ordered a hot chocolate.

‘Ok, so what's up?’ said Jeongin before stuffing his mouth with a big piece of waffle. Now that Felix worked as an elementary teacher, he couldn't help but think of Jeongin anytime they did the same thing. The same way he thought of Jisung when they seem to store the food in their cheeks in order to eat more. ‘It's not that I don't like seeing you or anything, it's just... Yeah. Out of nowhere? We were going to see each other tonight either way.’

Felix pressed his lips together. ‘Yeah, I actually about tonight... I have something to ask you.’ Jeongin barely paid attention to him. He was too focused on the food. ‘Listen, I hate to bring this up, and I know it's always been kind of a silent understanding that we wouldn't talk about it, and I'm sorry it's so last-minute-’

Suddenly, Jeongin froze, holding his fork midway between the plate and his mouth. He swallowed with difficulty.

‘W-What happened?’

‘Nothing bad! I promise!’ said Felix quickly, and Jeongin finally let the fork down.

‘Just tell me, Felix.’

Felix pressed his lips together and nodded, trying to find reassurance in himself.

‘Well, you know how Seungmin comes every year for the holidays.’

Jeongin nodded slowly, staring at every feature of Felix's face.

‘He's been busy this time, he didn't get much time off work and... I was supposed to see him in a few days, before he left, but he had to switch his plane because of his thesis, and they’re announcing that the snow is getting worse. He's leaving tomorrow so-’

‘The only time you can see him is tonight,’ Jeongin completed the sentence and finally looked away.

Felix had been so good, so careful, in keeping his friendship with Seungmin very separate from Jeongin. When Seungmin started to come back every winter for the holidays, Felix made sure to go places with Seungmin that he knew they would never bump into Jeongin. He didn't discuss Seungmin with Jeongin - ever. When Jeongin came back, his name was never uttered in their conversations because it became clear that if they wanted to be friends, be as close as they were, Seungmin couldn't be in the middle. It was a bubble they both knew would burst one day.

And in some strange way, it was the same the other way. Felix didn't say a word about Jeongin to Seungmin. All he knew was that they were friends again. Seungmin sometimes asked how he was doing, and Felix kept it to "he's doing good" or "he's doing better" even when he wasn't.

Felix reached for Jeongin's hand. ‘Listen, I know it's a lot to ask. I told him I didn't know if I could see him today, so it's totally up to you. He knows I had plans, you know. And even, I can also skip the party, go somewhere to see him, or I can just not see him at all! I just don't want to ever do something that makes you uncomfortable. I just wanted to be transparent with you and talk about it.’

Jeongin blinked at him. ‘Well, you're not not going to see your best friend, and I don't want you to miss out on the party because of something that happened years ago.’

‘D-Don’t do that. Don’t act like it’s nothing. We both know it's not like that.’ Felix let out a sigh. ‘But I can't act like I don't think you seeing him wouldn't be a good idea.’

‘Does he even want to see me? Last thing I heard, he hated my guts.’

‘He never hated you,’ said Felix under his breath. ‘I haven't even brought up the idea to him. It's totally up to you.’

‘But then if I say he can come and he doesn't, I'll know it's because of me.’

Felix had tried to make it as fair as possible for everyone. He had tried to come up with a way since this morning to see everyone he loved during this night. It was hard to have his best friend on the other side of the world. They called each other all the time, planned games together, had watch parties for movies they wanted to see together. But it was difficult. It made it even more difficult when it felt like a dirty secret.

‘I don't think he'll say no,’ affirmed Felix, because he knew that not only Seungmin would want to see Jeongin, but he also knew that, after all this time, he was ready. He felt in his guts that Jeongin was ready too, but maybe Jeongin didn’t know it yet.

Jeongin stayed silent. ‘I'm not an idiot, I know this has sucked for you... I know that if we didn't tiptoe around each other, it would be simpler for you... What if it makes it worse?’

Felix sighed. ‘Listen, yeah, seeing an ex is always so awkward and weird, and it takes time and it's a process. I mean, the first time I saw Chan after we broke up was awkward, to say the least, but you move past that, you learn to exist with each other.’

Jeongin shook his head. ‘It's not the same. I hurt Seungmin. We hurt each other a lot.’

‘You think I didn't hurt Chan? You think Chan didn’t hurt me? That's how relationships go.’

‘We weren't in a relationship,’ said Jeongin under his breath.

Felix rolled his eyes. ‘Right, and you didn’t kiss or hold hands or make any plan for the future or say you loved each other. Just because you didn’t call each other boyfriends doesn’t mean you weren’t together, Jeongin. And whatever you were, whatever you want to call it, the point still stands. Sometimes it's all about talking and facing things head-on.’

‘Says the guy that hasn't told his boyfriend he wants to move in with him.’

‘Hey!’ Felix lifted his finger up to shush Jeongin. ‘That's a totally different issue, okay?’

‘Communication issues.’

‘Well, no!’

‘Commitment issues,’ said Jeongin then.

‘Fuck you.’

Jeongin laughed, but then when his laugh faded away, he stayed quiet for a moment, staring at his food. ‘You need to tell Changbin. About Seungmin.’

‘I know. I wanted to tell you first.’

Jeongin nodded slowly. ‘Can I think about it?’

‘Of course!’ said Felix quickly. ‘You take your time. I'll try to come up with an alternative that works for everyone, but it's really up to you. I don't want you to stay in your room the entire night either, okay? And you don't even have to talk to him. There'll be enough people to avoid him.’

Jeongin hummed quietly. ‘H-How is he?’ He cleared his throat. ‘I mean, now... Did he change a lot?’

Felix thought back to the past five years, all the ups and downs, and he smiled slightly. ‘He changed but... In a good way.’

‘Yeah?’ asked Jeongin quietly.

‘Yeah... He's still Seungmin, but he's... Better, I guess?’ Jeongin didn't say a word. ‘I think you're better too,’ he added softly.

Jeongin looked at Felix for a minute before he went back to eating, this time out of anxiety. Felix waited for Jeongin to finish all his food, and even helped out with some of it, and they walked quietly to the apartment. He knew Jeongin enough now to know the only thing he wanted to do at that moment was run away somewhere and not show himself for the next few days. But those were old habits. Jeongin hadn't succumbed to such needs in a long time. He truly was a better version of himself, a better friend, but more than anything, he was better, kinder, and more patient with himself.

When they got to the apartment again, Jeongin went straight to his room without giving Felix a look. Changbin and Hyunwoo seemed surprised, but they didn't say anything, brushing it off. Jeongin was doing better, but he still liked to spend a lot of his time locked in his room - that was just him.

‘Bin,’ said Felix quietly. ‘Can I talk to you?’

Changbin blinked at him. ‘What happened?’

Felix smiled slightly. ‘Nothing, nothing, I just…’ He looked in the direction of Jeongin's room. It was a good thing he had given him the space to talk about this. ‘It's just important.’

‘Do you need me to leave?’ asked Hyunwoo.

Before Felix could say anything, Changbin put his hand on Hyunwoo's thigh and asked him to stay, not that Felix would've asked him to go. He knew better than that. Felix took a seat at the bar and looked at them.

‘I just told Jeongin that I was thinking of inviting Seungmin,’ he said quietly. Changbin blinked at him while Hyunwoo turned systematically to Changbin. ‘That is if the invitation list allows it, of course,’ said Felix, a smile on his face, trying to lighten the mood.

‘Oh, yeah, that's... That's fine,’ said Hyunwoo, with a forced smile.

Felix brought his attention back to Changbin.

‘Kim Seungmin?’

‘No other Seungmin,’ said Felix. ‘It's the only day I can see him.’

‘Jeongin's Seungmin?’

‘Well, he's not Jeongin's Seung-’

‘Lix.’

‘Yes, that Seungmin.’

Changbin blinked. ‘And Jeongin is okay with that?’

‘He said he would think about it. But he also said, and I agreed, that I should tell you. I don't want to... Trigger you.’

Changbin looked at Hyunwoo and then back at Felix. ‘I mean…’ His voice came out hoarse; he cleared it. ‘It's up to Jeongin. Whatever is okay with him, it’s okay with me.’

Felix nodded slowly. ‘Okay... Well, let me know, okay? No pressure. I know it's last-minute, but still... Just…’ He looked at Changbin, who was deep in thought. ‘Yeah, let me know.’

Hyunwoo was the one to say goodbye to him. Hyunwoo was the one to show him the door. And Felix was left in the subway, asking himself if he had done the right thing. Other circumstances may have been better. But he was tired. Tired of balancing all the most important people in his life. He understood it. Breakups were hard. Heartbreak sank into skin like a tattoo. Felix knew. But he also knew you could make new tattoos, less painful ones.

He expected to be hit with warmth when he opened the apartment's door. Instead, it was just as cold, if not more so, in the small apartment. The shower was running. It was hard to miss it because the shower was somehow placed in the middle of the hallway between the kitchen and the room - it was all really one large room. Felix headed to the heater only to find it stone cold. One of the many reasons he wanted to move was to never see this place again.

‘Lix?’ asked a voice from the shower.

‘Yeah,’ said Felix. ‘Your heater isn't working.’

He didn't bother to take off all his clothes. He kept his hoodie, his coat, and his beanie on. The only thing he took off was his gloves, because he decided to find some warmth by washing the dirty dishes in the sink.

‘Since when do you not have heat?’ asked Felix when the shower turned off.

‘Last night.’ The voice came now from the bedroom. He was probably getting dressed. ‘They should fix it next week.’

‘Bro, you're going to die frozen. You should've come to my place.’

‘Didn't want to bother your roommates.’

Felix suddenly felt hands on his hips and a chin on his shoulder, and he leaned on the warm body, despite water dripping from his hair.

‘You didn't have to do the dishes.’

‘Had to keep myself warm.’

There was a soft laughter. Felix continued to do the dishes even when the warmth went away. Chan leaned against the wall behind him and looked at him.

‘How was it?’

Felix shrugged. ‘He said he would think about it. He didn't take it that badly.’

‘Told you!’

‘He didn't take it super easily either,’ said Felix, looking at Chan, turning off the water, and taking a cloth to dry his hands. ‘Changbin seemed out of it, too.’

‘Listen, at least you tried. I think they understand Seungmin is your friend. Everything about this is lowkey dumb. If it doesn’t work today, at least you tested the waters, which is never a bad thing.’

Felix hummed. ‘You know what is dumb? You still living in this hell.’

‘I'm trying not to!’ protested Chan. ‘But there aren’t a lot of affordable nice places for one person. It's fine, it's not horrible.’

‘You've had rats and cockroaches.’

‘They died.’

‘And the water pressure sucks.’

‘I've gotten used to it.’

‘You have no heat!’

‘Just for a week!’

Felix let out a sigh, and Chan left back to the bedroom. He sat down at his desk to check his work emails. Felix followed him once he was done with the dishes and sat down on the bed. It was even colder now because Chan had opened the only window of the apartment to let the steam out and air out the room. Felix thought it was even worse in this room than outside.

‘I'm serious, Chan.’

‘It’s either nice and too expensive, or worse than this place, Lix. Don't you think I've looked?’

Felix cleared his throat. Jeongin was right. He couldn't ask for people around him to be brave when he wasn't being brave himself.

‘What if you split the rent?’

Chan frowned and turned to Felix. ‘A roommate? You already have roommates. If we both do, it'll complicate things, and honestly, I would rather live here than room with someone I don't know.’

Felix hated when he had to spell out things for Chan, but he knew it was the healthy thing to do after everything they had gone through. Felix was the one to break up the relationship. Felix was the one who kissed him first when they saw each other again years later. Felix was the one who decided their hookups would be a regular thing. Felix was the one who decided they could be in a relationship. Felix was the one who decided they couldn't be exclusive, until they were. Chan went along for the ride, never complaining, never pushing, always respecting Felix's boundaries. Felix, who was now so scared to go back to long distance, being too serious, growing up too fast, turning into something he had fallen out of love with. Because Felix didn't fall out of love with Chan, Felix fell out of love with their relationship. Chan had felt the same; he had just been worse at recognizing that they had never been able to overcome the cracks they had created since the very first day. They just didn't survive the long distance or the idea of being in such a serious relationship in college. Felix felt sick to his stomach with envy to see everyone go out, meet new people, and experience life in a way he couldn't because he wanted to do it with Chan, and Chan just wasn't there. Eventually, Chan felt more like a task than love.

But it wasn’t like that anymore. It took work, it took time, but Felix was in love with what they were almost as much as he was in love with Chan. For the same reasons, he understood that when he wanted to take the next step, he needed to be more explicit.

‘N-No, I mean... Splitting the rent with me?’

Chan stopped typing the email he was sending and turned to Felix.

‘What?’ Chan blinked. ‘Y-You mean…’

Felix shrugged. ‘It could be nice, wouldn't it? You being out of here, and not having to care about bothering roommates.’ He paused. ‘Only if you want to, of course!’

Chan seemed to freeze. ‘I mean, yeah, of course I want to. But you're sure you want to? Like it shouldn't be out of what's practical-’

‘I want to,’ said Felix firmly. Because he did. He had spent too much time waking up alone or next to people who weren't Chan. He wanted a place with Chan. He wanted Chan in every moment.

‘O-Okay then... I'll start looking for places then.’

‘Yeah?’ asked Felix, unable to hold back his smile.

‘Yeah,’ said Chan, nodding. Chan turned to his computer, and it made Felix laugh. He grabbed his hand and dragged him towards him.

‘Doesn't have to be now, you dumbass,’ said Felix.

Chan succumbed to his pull and found himself, knees on the floor, in between Felix’s legs. He grabbed his face. 

After years, Felix had found Chan in the middle of a winter party. A better Chan. A more loving Chan. In many ways, the person he had fallen in love with in high school was a completely different person from the one he fell in love with when they were finishing college. Felix had just fallen in love all over again. More importantly, he got Chan back. He knew how magical it was. He could only wish the same for Jeongin and Seungmin.

‘I love you,’ whispered Chan. He kissed Felix's lips before he could answer. ‘Are you happy?’

Felix smiled and nodded. ‘The happiest.’

15h43

One of Changbin's favorite things about the apartment was his access to the roof. Despite having a small balcony, he would go up there on his happiest days, his saddest days, and everything in between. There was a sense of peace in this roof that he didn't find anywhere else. It had been one of the main reasons they chose this apartment over any other. Hyunjin used to love it too, but he never came up there quite as often as Changbin did. He hadn't been up there in months now. Changbin missed him around the apartment sometimes, most days, but he had gotten used to it. It was gradual, the way Hyunjin left. He left right just like Changbin had needed. 

‘Thought I'd find you here.’

Changbin almost choked on the smoke of his cigarette when he heard Jeongin's voice coming from behind. He coughed as Jeongin walked up to him and leaned on the edge, just like Changbin, looking at the city. 

The snow made everything white. Changbin should be in his apartment, warm, cuddling with Hyunwoo to stay warm. Instead, he was rotting his lungs with smoke. He should quit. He knew. He had already reduced most of it. He went days without touching his cigarette pack. But today wasn't one of those days.

‘You scared me,’ said Changbin, once his lungs had cleared.

‘Serves you for putting that shit in your lungs.’

Changbin rolled his eyes. ‘Stressful day.’

‘Tell me about it,’ said Jeongin under his breath.

Changbin was struggling with the idea of bringing the memories of Seungmin back, but he knew nothing he was feeling could compare to the battle inside of Jeongin’s mind. There had been a lot of screaming about Seungmin back when Jeongin moved in, back when Changbin was trying to stay sober and Jeongin was trying to stay clean. Back when they were both trying to stay alive. They had succeeded. That's what everyone said when they learned Changbin hadn't touched drugs in years and had stopped drinking even the occasional beer over a year ago. Days like these didn't feel like success. It didn't feel like success when he would be able to quit the annoying smoking habit he had picked up if only for a beer. But he had an agreement with himself: no alcohol when too sad, or too happy, or too excited, or too tired. Alcohol could only be touched when neutral. At first, Changbin did think it would be okay to have a beer once in a while. And it was. He hadn't gotten drunk for even longer than he'd been sober. However, regulation was a slippery slope, and what had started as the occasional beer every once in a while at night and on weekends eventually turned into a beer every night, then two beers, and then lunch. And then he knew he couldn't regulate. Because Changbin would give up smoking for beer, but Changbin would give up, had given up, all the alcohol in the world before going back to the way things were.

And yet, here he was. Thinking of Seungmin. Thinking of one of the biggest regrets in his life, hours away from staring at his face. And he had to do it sober.

‘You okay?’ asked Jeongin.

Changbin laughed. ‘I should be asking you that.’

Jeongin looked away and shrugged. ‘I don't know... It's weird. This morning, I talked to my therapist about seeing him, and I just... I didn't think it would happen. Not today.’

Changbin hummed quietly and finally put out his cigarette. ‘Have you decided what to do?’

‘Honestly... I know Lix was trying his best, but it does feel like I have no choice.’

Changbin shook his head. ‘No, dude, you do have a choice.’

Jeongin shrugged. ‘What do you want me to do?’

‘I want you to do what's better for you.’

‘Maybe what's better for me is to ignore it all and keep going with my life.’ Jeongin paused. ‘I don't know... Sometimes I feel like I'm not moving on with my life. I feel like I'm so stuck, and I see everyone around me do so much, and I... I feel like if I don't try to move forward, I'm just gonna stay stuck here.’

‘But here is comfortable,’ whispered Changbin.

‘Very,’ said Jeongin. ‘I think I've grown to be comfortable in the uncomfortable. What if I move things and it's worse?’

Changbin nodded quietly. That was his fear. He had no issue with Seungmin. Seungmin in itself wasn't a bad person. Seungmin had been nice, and Changbin would love to apologize to him properly, to let him see how different things were. But this was a regret. If Seungmin turned up and things didn't go well between him and Jeongin, the regret could grow bigger, deeper, even more sickening. And he wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

Jeongin suddenly snorted and shook his head in disbelief. ‘All of this over a situationship.’

Changbin smiled, amused. ‘Please, those are the ones that fuck you up the most.’

‘So what? If you and Hyunwoo break up, it's not going to be the biggest heartbreak of your life?’

‘Oh, I would jump off the roof,’ said Changbin quickly. He could joke about those things when he knew Hyunwoo wouldn't go anywhere. Changbin even wondered how he had stuck for so long, during such dark times. Their first few months together, he thought it would all implode because the timing could never be right. But now, it wasn't a question. Hyunwoo was here to stay. ‘But I mean, I used to think it would've been better if Hyejin and I never dated. But, honestly, if you don't date, if you never give it a fair shot, you always wonder. Yes, I was heartbroken about the whole Hyejin thing, but now, looking back, I can think that at least we tried, and it didn't work for... a million reasons. You can't say the same with situationships. You always wonder what if. You always wait for that moment that will bring closure, but it’s hard to have closure for something that never really began.’ Changbin paused. He was craving another cigarette, but he didn't light it up. ‘You forget Hyunwoo was a situationship too. I don't know what I would've done if we had never gotten together; it would've taken a lifetime to get over it.’

Jeongin stayed quiet for a moment. ‘And does it ever come? Proper closure?’

‘I think so... But it takes a different form. And if you want my opinion, talking with the person helps a lot.’ Changbin put his hand on Jeongin's shoulder. ‘You still have time to think about it, but you do have a choice. You always have a choice.’

Jeongin looked at him. ‘So you would be okay if I said it's okay if he comes?’

‘I'm okay if you're okay, Innie,’ said Changbin, smiling.

The cold became too much for them, and without a cigarette, Changbin wasn’t willing to take it. He was happy to find Hyunwoo lying in bed, looking at his phone, probably scrolling through social media. He was even happier to be able to lie down while cuddling. Hyunwoo didn't move, and Changbin held onto his waist, lying his head on his chest as Hyunwoo ran a hand through his hair.

‘God, even your hair is freezing,’ laughed Hyunwoo. ‘Were you philosophizing on the roof again?’ he asked.

Changbin smiled and lifted himself up to switch his position and be able to reach Hyunwoo’s lips. He kissed him softly, and Hyunwoo laughed.

‘You stink of nicotine, Bin.’

‘You don't want my kisses?’

‘Never said that,’ said Hyunwoo with a soft smile. ‘But let me get you some gum.’

As Hyunwoo pretended to reach for something on the nightstand next to him, the one that had naturally gone from being filled with Changbin's stuff to just holding whatever Hyunwoo needed, Changbin slapped Hyunwoo softly on the shoulder.

‘You're an asshole.’

Hyunwoo laughed and turned to Changbin, grabbing his face and kissing him. It was just then that they heard a knock on the open bedroom door. Jeongin cleared his throat as he stood there.

‘What's up?’ asked Changbin.

Jeongin stood nervously. ‘I-I think I'm gonna message Felix that Seungmin can come. Is that alright?’

Changbin felt a chill run down his spine, but he also felt Hyunwoo’s grasp on his waist get tighter.

‘Of course, Innie,’ said Changbin, smiling at him.

Jeongin nodded, as if reassuring himself, and he looked at Hyunwoo. ‘It's okay with your guest list, right?’

‘Yes, no problem,’ said Hyunwoo. ‘We'll just kick Chan out. Felix only gets one plus one.’

Jeongin smiled, amused, but he still looked nervous.

‘Promise me one thing, though,’ said Hyunwoo. ‘Don't stay in your room all night.’

It wasn't strange for Jeongin to stay in his room at their gatherings or parties. He had gotten better at being around people, and he made an effort to meet Changbin's friends outside of their usual circle, but it was still Jeongin. He still valued his personal space and preferred to be alone.

Jeongin blinked. ‘I don't know if-’

‘Just one shot with me before midnight. That's all I’ll ask.’

Jeongin rolled his eyes. ‘Fine, whatever.’ Hyunwoo smiled, proud of himself, and Jeongin cleared his throat. ‘Can you help me later? I don't really know what to wear.’

‘Oh, babe, we got you,’ said Hyunwoo.

‘Not that it means anything... I just wanna... Not look bad.’

Hyunwoo smiled, amused. ‘We all have exes here. We know what it's like.’

‘Well, we never really-’

‘Oh, shut up. It clearly counts.’

Jeongin smiled softly. ‘Okay... Thanks…’

‘Can you close the door?’ asked Changbin just as Jeongin was about to walk away.

Jeongin did it without a second thought, but Hyunwoo knew Changbin, and he knew that if they were closing the door, it was for a reason. So he sat up just as Changbin did.

‘Are you okay?’ asked Hyunwoo in a whisper.

Changbin nodded slowly. ‘Y-Yeah, I just…’ The words always burned in his throat, no matter how many times Hyunwoo told him it was okay, no matter how many times his therapist said he should say them. It still felt like the biggest shame to carry around. ‘I want to drink,’ he said finally.

Hyunwoo looked at him for a second and nodded. ‘Okay... From 0 to 10?’

‘Like... Six.’

Hyunwoo nodded again. ‘Do you think we need to change things? I can take the alcohol we have to Jisung’s place, and I'll run out to buy more non-alcoholic drinks.’

Changbin shook his head. ‘No, it's fine... It’s not that bad. I just... I'm scared.’ He paused. ‘I do want this for Jeongin, but I hate meeting people from back then. And Seungmin is... Well, it's Seungmin.’

Hyunwoo nodded. ‘We can work with scared. Scared is okay,’ he said, putting his second hand on his cheek. ‘But you don't give yourself enough credit for how far you've come. You're doing amazing. This is not easy, so give yourself a break, okay? What happened back then wasn't great, but you're not that person anymore, and, Bin, you were also a kid.’ Changbin closed his eyes to avoid tears falling out and nodded. ‘I know it brings you back, but you're not there anymore, and you should give the past you a break, too. And you know, if you need some handsome dude to kiss to feel loved, I know just the guy.’

Changbin smiled, amused. ‘Oh really?’

Hyunwoo nodded, this time energetically. ‘The most handsome dude at the party, actually.’

‘After me, of course.’

‘And after Hyunjin. Just being realistic here.’

Changbin laughed. ‘Not too sure about that one.’

Hyunwoo smiled and leaned in to kiss him. When he leaned back, he pressed their heads together.

‘You got this, Bin,’ he said under his breath. ‘And you got me.’

Changbin knew that well. ‘I love you so much,’ he whispered.

‘I love you more.’

Changbin thought he might be right sometimes, because Hyunwoo had stuck through the worst times, and he felt sorry for it. He felt sorry for all his mistakes. Changbin wanted to live every second of his life making up for those mistakes, to the people he had hurt and the people he loved. He lived, making sure to be a better person.

20h10

The streets of Seoul weren't unfamiliar to Seungmin, but they didn't feel like home. He had been here many times, but he had never lived in this city. It was a bit shameful sometimes. To think the place he now called home was a whole world away from the country he had grown up in, the country he identified with. Felix said it didn't mean anything; life took you many places, and you could have more than one home. But every time Seungmin stepped into these streets, he had the feeling that he was supposed to know more. Maybe it was a good thing he didn't go back to where he had grown up - he wouldn't know those streets anymore either.

The subway ride to the address Felix had sent wasn’t long. They could've met at Felix's place, but it would have made Felix late for the party. Seungmin didn't want that. He didn't want to be a spectacle. He didn't want to make a scene. He just wanted to see his best friend.

He took a big breath, looking up at the building, and exhaled. He checked the address over and over again. Felix had warned him it was Jeongin's place; he had given him the choice to walk away, go somewhere else. But Seungmin thought that would've been childish, selfish, all other kinds of wrong for Felix, and ultimately not what he wanted. So he said yes. And it was good. At least he wouldn't wonder if he would bump into Jeongin by accident, or see him in the face of strangers, the way he did every time he came back to South Korea, seeing his ghost at every corner. No. This time, he knew. Jeongin would be there. And the longer he stayed there, the more chances he had to bump into someone he knew and look like an idiot.

So he put in the code Felix had sent, went up the stairs, and counted exactly four floors, but he wasn't sure because everything felt so long. By the time he got to the door he believed to be the right one, he saw some celebratory decorations stuck to the door, and he rang, after taking a big breath and trying to calm down his heartbeat.

He expected Jeongin to open the door. This was his apartment after all. Maybe it would be Felix, knowing Seungmin was on his way up. Instead, it was a stranger. He was a bit shorter than Seungmin, with black hair parted in the middle and big, round eyes. He was smiling at first, a big, beautiful smile, while wearing a celebration hat, but then his smile was replaced by confusion.

‘Hi?’ he said.

Seungmin cleared his throat. ‘Sorry, I-I think I got the wrong place. I was told someone else lived here.’

‘Oh! Yeah, no, I don't live here, I mean, technically I don't. This is my boyfriend's place.’

Seungmin blinked. ‘Y-Your boyfriend?’

It was stupid, truly. Seungmin should've known that Jeongin could be dating someone. Felix should've told him, but he never said anything about Jeongin, and Seungmin never pushed, because he didn't have the right to do it. He decided to leave. He didn't have the right to know a single thing about Jeongin.

‘Babe, what is it?’

The door opened wider, and Changbin appeared. It was Changbin, but in many ways it wasn't Changbin. He was stronger, with buff arms and a rounder face. He barely looked like the Changbin Seungmin had known back in High School. Seungmin almost had to take a step back.

‘Oh,’ said Changbin. ‘Hi.’

‘Hi,’ said Seungmin under his breath.

Changbin turned to the guy. ‘This is Seungmin.’

‘Oh!’ exclaimed the guy. ‘Fuck, I'm so sorry! I should've known!’ He looked at Changbin and then back at Seungmin. ‘Oh, fuck, wait, no, my boyfriend is Changbin. Not Jeo-’ He cut himself off and cleared his throat. ‘Not someone else.’ Before Seungmin could say anything, the guy grabbed his sleeve and dragged him into the apartment full of people and decorations everywhere. ‘Come in! Let me get you a drink! What do you want? We have beer - IPA, Pilsner, even ruby, we also have stronger drinks like vodka and rum, and a bunch of soft drinks to mix it with. Minho and Jisung are bringing the champagne in a little bit if you want to wait, though it won't be cold, but actually, with this weather, it might be. And we have non-alcoholic drinks! Juices, and also alcohol free beer - I can give you one of the good ones, just for you.’

Seungmin was taken aback by how quickly he was talking, barely taking a breath. ‘Whatever beer you have is good.’

‘With alcohol?’ Seungmin gave him one quick nod. ‘One beer, got it,’ said the guy before he turned around and grabbed something from the fridge.

Meanwhile, Changbin set his arms on the bar and looked at Seungmin.

‘So that's Hyunwoo.’

Seungmin smiled while Hyunwoo turned to him with a beer in hand. 

‘Do you want a cup?’ he asked.

‘Just the bottle is more than fine,’ said Seungmin, and he grabbed the beer Hyunwoo was handing him.

‘It's nice meeting you, by the way,’ said Hyunwoo, with a smile.

‘Y-Yeah, you too,’ murmured Seungmin, right when there was a big noise coming from the other side of the living room. Hyunwoo apologized quickly and ran towards the noise to check what was happening.

Changbin watched him go and then looked back at Seungmin. It was a strange sight. Stranger than he had expected.

‘So that's your boyfriend,’ trailed off Seungmin.

‘Oh, yes,’ Changbin looked back at Hyunwoo and then back at Seungmin. ‘It's been two years. Tomorrow actually.’

‘Oh, cool.’

Seungmin had never quite reached the two-year anniversary mark. They said that was when relationships imploded if they weren't meant to be. Seungmin didn't believe in that kind of thing until it happened to him.

‘He… He shows up?’ asked Seungmin, taking a sip of his beer right away.

Changbin blinked at him, stopping for a second, understanding Seungmin's words. Maybe they had stuck to him just like they had stuck to Seungmin, because he liked to think that moment had been more important than what it had destroyed. 

Changbin eventually nodded. ‘Yeah, he does.’ Changbin smiled slightly. ‘Maybe too much.’

Seungmin smiled, amused. ‘That's good. I'm glad.’

And he was, because now Seungmin could see what was so different about Changbin. It didn't have anything to do with his physique, the way he stood straighter, or how his eyes seemed to be less reddened and tired than how Seungmin remembered them. The pain wasn't there anymore. Changbin looked happy. It was only then that Seungmin really realized how truly unhappy he had once been. He was used to the feeling - realizing things too late.

‘I-I should go help out,’ said Changbin eventually. ‘Felix is already here. He's around. But I mean, everyone is very nice. No assholes at the party. Promise.’

Seungmin had only been to one of Changbin's parties in high school, so he didn't remember any of the faces from back then. But everyone here looked different. There was still drinking, there was still laughter, but the vibe was different. Maybe those people had grown up. Maybe they weren't the same people. The result was the same.

Felix found Seungmin before Seungmin could find him. Felix hugged, screamed, and hugged him again before Seungmin could think. But he hugged him back and held him tightly against his body. It didn't matter that they had seen each other a few months back in New York. It didn't matter that it was snowing outside. Seeing Felix always came with sunshine.

‘God, I missed you so much,’ said Felix as he still hugged him.

Seungmin laughed, feeling the air leave his lungs. ‘Missed you too.’ He managed to move his arm to ruffle Felix's hair.

‘I'm so happy you're here, you have no idea,’ said Felix when he leaned back and looked at him properly. ‘You cut your hair.’

Seungmin ran his hand through his own hair, way shorter than usual. He had done it in the hopes of looking more professional as a TA - one semester in, he wasn't sure it was working, he still looked way too young.

‘I like it,’ said Felix with a smile.

Felix looked as shiny and bright as ever. He had had some dark moments, some tough moments. But he was now in a good place in his life, Seungmin knew. It wasn't just about Chan coming back. Felix had simply found himself. His style had changed, his outlook on life was different, but he was still the ray of sunshine he had always been, and he was still his best friend - his soulmate, really.

‘I need to tell you something,’ said Felix under his breath, and he grabbed Seungmin's hand. Seungmin let himself be led through the crowd into a small hallway, he saw two closed doors, he saw light peaking through under one of them, but when Felix took a turn, Seungmin also saw the door of the bathroom. Felix closed it right behind them.

‘I asked Chan to move in,’ said Felix.

‘And you had to drag me to the bathroom for that?’ asked Seungmin, laughing, looking around for anything that might scream Jeongin's name. He felt dumb for it.

‘I don't want it to be a thing,’ said Felix in a shrug. ‘I mean, I do, but we haven't told people. I literally just asked him this afternoon.’

‘What did he say?’

Felix didn't answer. Instead, he lowered his shirt slightly to let a huge hickey on his collarbone show. 

‘How do you think?’ he said with a smile while Seungmin rolled his eyes. ‘He was very happy about it. I swear to god, if you weren't staying over tonight, I would be having the best sex of my life.’

‘Damn, sorry to rain on your parade.’

‘You're the only person I would love even when you ruin sex for me.’

‘I feel honored, truly.’

‘Still had great sex before.’

‘Lix, I truly don't want to know.’

Felix smiled, amused. ‘Well, anyway, he wanted to leave his shitty apartment, and it's annoying to have roommates now. I mean I love them but…’

‘You want your space,’ completed Seungmin.

‘Exactly. But it's not like we're doing it out of convenience. I mean, I'm not even sure we're going to do it soon, but yeah, we're going to start looking into it. I don't think we're going to rush it or anything. Which is… Good. Perfect.’

Seungmin nodded with a smile. ‘I'm happy for you guys.’

‘Y-Yeah, I think... I think I made the right choice.’ Felix nodded to himself before he turned to the mirror to fix his hair. ‘Did you talk to anyone already?’

‘Yeah, Changbin,’ said Seungmin quietly. ‘And his boyfriend. Hyun-something. He seems nice.’

Felix hummed. ‘Hyunwoo. He is. He's great.’

‘I didn't see anyone else. They mentioned something about Minho and Jisung not being here, I think.’

‘He's in his room,’ said Felix eventually.

Seungmin blinked. ‘What?’

‘Jeongin,’ said Felix.

‘Oh,’ said Seungmin quietly.

‘He doesn't come out a lot at parties. He usually stays most of the night in his room. That's why I told you, you could come and still not see him if you don't want to.’

‘I-I don't mind seeing him.’

There was no taboo between them, never had been, except for one: Jeongin. Seungmin asked about him here and there, but he never had a full reply. And Seungmin was okay with that as long as he knew Jeongin was alive and well. He knew he didn’t have the right to more than short answers. 

But Seungmin could never tell Felix how much everything reminded him of Jeongin, how he was a constant in his mind, how he felt about it all after all this time. Felix knew, because Felix knew him. But the words had been spoken very few times. It didn't feel right to put Felix in the middle, carrying the weight of it all when he saw Jeongin every day. Things were easier when Felix hadn't seen Jeongin for years. But little by little, Seungmin had to accept that Jeongin was not only back in Felix's life but that Felix was probably Jeongin's best friend. He didn't want to get in the middle of that. It wasn't fair to Felix. It wasn't fair to Jeongin.

‘I did think Hyunwoo was his boyfriend for a second there.’

Felix laughed. ‘Shit, sorry, I should've been clearer about that. But if you're asking, he's not seeing anyone.’

Seungmin felt his face burning red. ‘That's not what I was asking. I wasn't asking anything! I was simply pointing out what happened at the door. I'm here to see you, remember?’

Felix hummed quietly. ‘Sure, sure, but you're not fooling anyone.’

Seungmin rolled his eyes. ‘Fuck off.’

‘I'm just saying-’

‘Not everyone wants to go back with their exes.’

Felix raised his index finger. ‘Hey! Don't use Chan against me! Plus, as you’ve said many times, you technically never dated, so joke's on you, he's not even your ex.’ Seungmin shook his head with a smile. ‘But on the bright side, that means it's not that bad of an idea to go back to him.’

‘Please shut up, Lix.’

‘You love me.’

‘I really do, but you still need to shut up.’

Felix smiled brightly and hugged him again, before they went back to the main room. This time, the light under the door was all Seungmin could see. This time, he knew Jeongin was on the other side. So close, yet so far away.

Felix led him right through the crowd to Chan when they entered the living room. He greeted Seungmin with a quick hug and asked him about the flight and about his job. Seungmin didn’t need to do a big catch-up with Chan, they had seen each other a few times in the past six years. However, because Felix had come to New York alone during the summer, this was Seungmin's first time seeing them together since last year, when they weren't exclusive, when Felix was choosing between what felt like safety and Chan. He had picked Chan. It had always been pretty obvious to Seungmin. Felix liked to joke that Chan loved him more this time around, but Seungmin knew Felix would still move hell and earth for Chan. He simply would be smarter about it than when they were in high school.

20h51

‘Would you bail me out of jail if I bash Changbin's head with one of these?’

Jisung's arms were sore, and his hands were hurting. Granted, he wasn't as good at going to the gym in the winter, when it felt like his feet would freeze just by stepping outside, but this was more of a workout than he had thought when Changbin asked them to bring the champagne boxes. Sure, they had said. No problem, they had said.

But it was a problem. Because Changbin lived in a building with a broken elevator, and they had to go up four flights of stairs, and Hyunjin initially was supposed to be with them, and Jisung's arms were giving out. Champagne was not worth all this trouble.

‘We're kind of broke for that. But I'll find a way to break you out,’ said Minho from behind him. It made Jisung smile.

‘Bonnie and Clyde style.’

‘You want to break into banks now?’

‘It would solve a lot,’ said Jisung as he let the two boxes down for only a second. They had one flight of stairs left. He pressed his back against the wall to catch his breath. ‘Also, that’s a misconception. They didn’t rob that many banks.’

Minho did the same with his boxes, but much more delicately.

‘Be careful not to break them. I don't want to go look for more.’

Jisung closed his eyes and nodded. He could feel his entire body sweating under his thick coat and beanie.

‘Do you really think he won't make it for midnight?’ asked Jisung, eyes still closed.

‘I don't know,’ said Minho under his breath. ‘It's fine though. He has the day off tomorrow.’

Jisung hummed. If he hadn't had a quick nap before, he would already be sleeping. He missed full nights of sleep. He could only imagine this was what parents went through when they had a newborn. But he hadn't birthed a child, he was trying to birth a life that made sense, even if it meant having two jobs and still barely making rent.

‘It sucks, though,’ said Jisung, opening his eyes.

‘There'll be other New Years.’

Jisung turned his head. ‘That's what you said last year.’

‘And look! It's another year!’

Minho always tried to keep it together. Jisung was always the one who voiced out loud what they both thought. Minho tried to be rational. But deep down, Jisung knew he felt the same. Minho also missed Hyunjin when he worked long hours, and it also broke him to see him working at something he didn't enjoy, even though Hyunjin would never admit it.

‘C'mon,’ said Minho, taking the beanie off Jisung's head and ruffling his hair. ‘Let's have a drink and then I'll do whatever you want in the bathroom so you're happy.’

Jisung smiled. ‘You know me so well, Lee Minho.’

Jisung grabbed the two boxes again and walked ahead of Minho for the last floor they had left. Jisung had to ring the bell with his elbow and waited, not so patiently, for someone to open the door. Changbin was the one who did, and he smiled as soon as he saw them, but Jisung didn't give him the time to greet them because he pushed past him to finally put the boxes down on the counter.

‘Next time, you get them,’ said Jisung as he caught his breath.

Minho was more graceful in how he asked Changbin where to put the boxes. Jisung's arms felt too much like jelly to do any of that.

‘Thank you so much,’ said Changbin. ‘I owe you one.’

‘Free us, but most importantly, our boyfriend, from capitalism,’ said Jisung.

Changbin frowned. ‘He's not coming?’

Minho shook his head next to Jisung. ‘He said he would try to get out of it, maybe there's someone to cover for him, but he wasn't sure. He might make it after midnight.’

‘We're going to a club after midnight,’ said Changbin, disappointed. ‘But anyway, thank you very much.’

‘Of course,’ said Minho. ‘Where can we leave our coats?’

‘Oh, you can leave it in my room,’ said Changbin with a smile as he started to place the bottles in the fridge.

Minho took off his coat, and Jisung did the same, but Minho was the one to bring them both to the room while Jisung took two beers from the fridge and opened them, sipping on just one of them and looking into the crowd. The apartment was more full than he expected - a mix of people they knew from college and some people from their different jobs. Jisung and Minho were probably some of the last people to arrive at the party. Felix was there. Chan was there. They were talking to one of Felix's colleagues. And next to them was-

‘Is that Seungmin?’ he asked out loud, heart beating faster in his chest. He was different, but it was without a doubt Seungmin. But maybe the exercise had altered his vision or the blood coming to his brain.

‘What?’ asked Changbin, closing the fridge. He walked up to Jisung.

Jisung turned to him. ‘Kim Seungmin?’

‘Lix didn't tell you?’

Jisung blinked. ‘No?’ By now, Minho was back and had taken a seat at the bar, taking his beer, so Jisung turned to him. ‘Did he tell you?’

‘Who tell me what?’

‘Felix. Seungmin.’

Minho frowned. ‘Kim Seungmin?’

He finally turned around and saw what Jisung was seeing. Seungmin hadn't noticed him yet. If he had, he was ignoring him.

‘Oh, shit,’ said Minho, turning back. ‘Where's Jeongin?’

‘In his room,’ said Changbin. ‘He promised he would go out eventually, though.’

Minho shrugged. ‘Well, that's not too different from other parties.’

Jisung's mind felt stuck. He didn't understand why they took Seungmin's presence so lightly. Jisung saw him often, behind the screen of his phone. He saw his posts, his stories, and everything in between. They sometimes commented on each other's posts, and they even messaged about small things. Jisung had noticed the way Seungmin always made an effort to comment on the videos he would post in close friends singing or playing the guitar. It always made him smile. It was the little things that felt so big. It was things that made him feel like it was okay if they weren't friends anymore and didn't see each other. It was enough.

And yet, seeing him, all Jisung wanted was to go right to him and hug him.

‘S-Should I go?’ asked Jisung under his breath.

‘Definitely,’ said Changbin, just as Minho said, ‘If you want to.’

So he did. His feet went faster than he could process, and then Seungmin finally saw him - and he smiled.

‘Hi,’ said Jisung nervously when he stood in front of him. He wasn’t able to stop himself, he put his arms around Seungmin. Jisung could feel Seungmin was surprised at first, but he eventually melted into the hug. When Jisung leaned back, he grabbed Seungmin's face, and he couldn't help but smile.

‘You got so hot.’

Seungmin laughed. ‘Thank you?’

‘No, I'm serious!’ Jisung let go of his face. ‘You look good.’

‘You look good too, Jisung.’

‘Oh, I know.’ Seungmin rolled his eyes, but he still smiled. It was that same smile from when they were teens.

Jisung then turned to Felix. ‘Fuck you for not telling me!’’

Felix gave a fake deep sigh. ‘Ah, it's just like in high school.’

‘I'm mad at you! You have time to send me a reel of a squirrel, but not tell me Seungmin is coming?’

Felix raised a brow. ‘Do you not want me to send you reels of squirrels?’

‘I would hate you even more, actually,’ said Jisung, reaching for Felix’s cheek to pinch it, but Felix quickly dodged it.

Felix and Jisung had found each other in the weirdest of times. Somehow, along the way, they started to rely on each other, to be that breath of fresh air they both needed when fights got bad, when hearts got broken. They never talked about things too seriously, but they were always one call away. Felix called, and Jisung treated him to a meal. Jisung called him to go watch a movie to have a break from life, and Felix booked the tickets. If someone were to ask who had been the best friend Jisung had made in college, strangely enough, the answer was Felix.

‘Can I steal Seungmin for a bit?’

Felix smiled. ‘Go ahead.’

Jisung dragged Seungmin to a corner of the room, away from everyone, a bit further away from the music. Now that Seungmin was here, comments on social media didn't feel like enough. Jisung needed to know it all.

‘I-I'm so happy you're here,’ said Jisung. 

‘It was a last-minute thing,’ clarified Seungmin. ‘I had to change my plane, and this was the last day I could make it to Seoul, so…’

So seeing them hadn't been in his plans, and it broke Jisung's heart a little bit, but he understood. They weren't friends anymore. They were acquaintances. And they hadn't left their friendship in the best place - no matter how good the memories from before had been.

‘Well, I'm happy you're here. I'm so happy to see you.’

Seungmin smiled. ‘Me too… I mean it.’

The conversation felt easy between them. Seungmin told him about New York, about his studies, about his roommate. Jisung asked about the concerts he had been to, and Seungmin told him about each band, each venue, every good show, and every bad show. Jisung couldn't get tired of hearing Seungmin talk about New York, even when the conversation got to rats and crazy people in the subway.

‘We should go there one day,’ said Jisung. ‘Hyunjin really wants to go to the MOMA. We just need time and money, and... Yeah. Not easy.’

‘What have you been doing? From the outside, it looks like you're doing a billion things at the same time.’

Jisung smiled. ‘From the outside and the inside.’ He took a sip of his beer. ‘Well, I finished college last year, and I managed to get an internship at an animation company a few months ago. It's unpaid, so I had to keep my old job at a comic store. It's a cool place, so I don't mind, but I basically have two jobs and get paid only part-time.’

Seungmin winced. ‘I'm sorry.’

Jisung shrugged. ‘It's okay. I mean, it's things I actually like, so it's not horrible. But it's tiring.’

‘You do music too, right?’

‘Oh,’ Jisung cleared his throat. He should've guessed this topic would come up, but he could never get used to people asking about it. ‘Yeah, I mean, kind of, I guess. Do you still play guitar?’

Seungmin nodded. ‘There was a time I played a lot, but not so much anymore. I don’t have that much time. I got much better, though.’

‘Well, you had the best teacher,’ said Jisung, proud of himself.

Seungmin rolled his eyes before he added, ‘Your videos are cool. I mean, I don't know the music, but I don't know what's popular here right now so-’

‘No, that's normal,’ said Jisung, smiling awkwardly, a ball forming in his throat. ‘Those are my own songs,’ he added. ‘I mean, it's dumb really, only my friends get to see it. It's whatever, really.’ Seungmin was about to say something, but Jisung spoke up first. ‘It's actually because of you.’

In all those years, there had always been one thing Jisung had yearned to tell Seungmin. Seungmin had changed his life forever, and he didn't even know how or why. It hurt that Jisung had never been able to tell him.

Seungmin blinked. ‘What?’

‘Well, rather, thanks to you.’ Jisung pressed his lips together. ‘You know that party at Changbin’s, when you took me out of the pool… I don't know if you remember...’

Jisung shivered at the memory. He hated to think back to those times, even if they were still a source of inspiration. It was the past. It wasn’t him. It wasn’t his relationship with Minho and Hyunjin.

‘Of course I remember,’ said Seungmin under his breath.

‘You told me I should write a journal or find a way to let feelings out,’ Jisung shrugged. ‘I guess I did.’

Seungmin blinked at him. ‘That's awesome, Jisung.’

‘I'm sorry for that, by the way,’ said Jisung softly. ‘All of it.’

There was the topic none of them ever touched. Between likes and short comments, they never acknowledged anything that had happened. It was probably the reason Seungmin had never tried to see him, and Jisung didn't blame him for it the way Hyunjin did. Addressing what had broken them was so much more real now, even if almost six years had passed.

‘Jisung,’ started Seungmin. ‘It's been so long.’

Jisung shook his head. ‘It doesn't matter. I'm sorry for sleeping with Hyunjin right after you broke up, that was such a shit move. And I'm sorry about the bet. I really am. I just want you to know that it really never influenced our friendship, and the things I told you, and the advice I gave you, and I know you will probably never believe me, but still... I'm so sorry, Seungmin. You meant so much to me, and I was honestly a shit friend to you, and I don’t think I’ll ever not be sorry for that.’

‘You weren't totally shit,’ said Seungmin under his breath, with a slight smile. ‘You taught me guitar after all.’ Jisung laughed. ‘You meant a lot to me, too,’ he added in a whisper. Seungmin looked down at his drink and sighed. ‘I'm not gonna lie, it took a while for every memory not to be totally tainted, and you guys really hurt me, but... I do believe you now. I do believe you were genuine, and I'm so grateful for you, especially those first few months.’

‘I missed you,’ said Jisung. 

He meant those words even though he knew Seungmin would never be fully back in his life. They both had moved on, they both had changed. Jisung smiled at him and brought him into yet another hug, and Seungmin hugged him back.

‘So Minho was the guy you were seeing and keeping secret?’ asked Seungmin.

Jisung’s eyes opened wide at the realization that Seungmin had never gotten so much as a clarification.

‘Oh, god, yeah, you missed out on all that part of the lore.’

Seungmin laughed. ‘Felix did fill me in. I was away, but I do love gossip. I'm glad it worked out for you guys.’ He paused for a second, and Jisung watched him notice something behind him. ‘For Hyunjin too.’

Jisung turned around and saw Hyunjin at the door, greeting Changbin, Hyunwoo, and then Minho - a quick kiss on the mouth, and what seemed to be an explanation.

‘I was wondering where he was,’ said Seungmin.

‘He said he wouldn't make it,’ said Jisung under his breath and looked back at Seungmin. ‘I guess his coworker did cover for him after all. He had an event at the gallery where he works.’

Seungmin kept looking in Hyunjin’s direction for a moment before he looked at Jisung again. ‘You should go,’ said Seungmin.

‘What?’

‘Yeah, I'm not going anywhere. I'll be hanging out with Felix. You should go say hi to your... boyfriend.’

Jisung didn’t miss the pause. It was strange for Seungmin, he knew, to see it all so changed, so established, to see how he talked about Minho and Hyunjin as an extension of himself now. Their names on his tongue were the most natural thing to pronounce. It was even stranger when, even though Jisung and Seungmin exchanged comments, likes, Seungmin and Hyunjin were nothing. Their relationship was non-existent.

‘I'll be back, okay? Don't go, please.’

‘Promise,’ he said, and Jisung didn't know whether to believe him or not, but he did know he wanted to go kiss Hyunjin hello - even though he had seen him this morning, and every morning before, and would see him every morning after.

‘You just wanted to make a dramatic entrance, didn't you?’ said Jisung after walking up to Hyunjin and hugging him from behind, pressing his chest and setting his head on Hyunjin's back. He was sitting at the bar next to Minho, already sipping on a beer.

‘I like my main character moment, you know.’

Jisung hummed against him and set a kiss on his nape before moving in between Hyunjin and Minho. When Hyunjin turned his face, he kissed him, and Jisung melted into the touch. 

‘Seungmin is here,’ said Jisung, carefully.

‘They just told me,’ said Hyunjin with a nod. He didn’t add anything else, and Jisung knew not to press for more. Instead, he let Hyunjin kiss him, and he let him change the topic of conversation. When Jisung looked back, he saw that Seungmin was with Felix again.

21h58

‘He asked me to move in,’ said Chan, after taking a sip from the beer he held in his hand.

‘What did you do? Drop to your knees, crying, shaking, throwing up?’ asked Changbin, chuckling.

They were in the bathtub. Weird place to be. But it was peaceful. Chan sitting on one side, Changbin sitting on the other side, his legs hanging over the edge. One drinking his only beer of the night because he would be driving later. The other drinking his non-alcoholic beer because he was sober. It was quieter. Calmer.

‘Shut up,’ said Chan, blushing.

Changbin laughed. ‘So what did you say?’

‘I said yes.’

‘Obviously. You’re whipped.’

‘Oh, because if Hyunwoo asked you to move in together, you would be much better.’

‘Never said I would be,’ said Changbin, taking another sip.

Just then, the door of the bathroom opened in one big movement, and Jisung stumbled in. He stared at them for a second before he said: ‘Fuck.’

‘Good to see you too, Han Jisung,’ said Changbin, smiling.

Jisung closed the door behind him. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘What does it look like we're doing?’

‘Do I even want to know? All I know is that this doesn’t seem hygienic.’

‘I cleaned it this morning and it’s dry,’ argued Changbin. ‘You can piss if you want. We'll pretend we don't hear.’

Jisung cleared his throat. ‘Yeah, no, I didn't come here for that. I-I was supposed to meet Minho.’

Changbin winced. ‘Were you going to fuck in my bathroom?’

‘All three of us have fucked in this bathroom. You have no standing for judgment here.’

Chan laughed while Changbin rolled his eyes. ‘I do feel like we all should know a little less about each other.’

Jisung walked up to them and found a way to sit right in the middle, despite Changbin's groan and Chan's laughter. Jisung grabbed the bottle from Chan and took a sip. Chan didn't argue.

‘Can we use your room then?’ asked Jisung. ‘We just want to make out, I promise.’

‘Fuck no,’ argued Changbin. ‘Again. The sharing.’

‘Then you have to get the fuck out.’

Changbin closed his eyes. ‘It's so loud out there. No wonder my neighbors hate me.’

‘It's about to get louder here.’

Changbin punched Jisung playfully while Jisung laughed. ‘I thought you were only going to make out!’

‘I'm officially out of here,’ said Chan, giving up on his safe, quiet space. He managed to free his legs from the weight of Jisung to get out of the bathtub. It made Jisung lose his balance, and he fell slightly to the left, but he was laughing, and had probably already drunk one beer too much, so he didn't care.

‘Has any of you talked to Jeongin, by the way?’

Changbin shook his head. ‘Don't want to pressure him,’ he said quietly. ‘But you can try.’

‘Right, because if there's someone who knows about seeing someone who dumped you after years, it's you,’ said Jisung. By now, he was lying entirely in the bathtub, and he lifted his arm up, holding up his index finger, as if he was proving a point. 

Chan couldn't help but laugh at the sight of the single arm rising up from the bathtub. Changbin looked at Jisung while repressing a laugh and shaking his head.

‘No more beers for you, Han Jisung,’ said Chan before opening the door and finally leaving the bathroom.

Jisung wasn't wrong. Chan knew what it felt like to meet someone who had broken his heart and torn it to pieces. Looking back, he knew Felix had made the right decision for the two of them. Chan didn't realize how much it wasn't working until Felix was gone. It didn't mean it didn't hurt. It didn't mean that when he had seen Felix again, the whole world had stopped spinning.

He knocked quietly on the door, unsure whether Jeongin could hear, and tried to open it. Unfortunately, it was locked. He tried once and twice to turn the knob, to be sure it was indeed locked, but a few seconds later, the door was opened from the other side slowly, just enough for Jeongin to look with one eye who it was.

‘It's just me,’ said Chan with a smile.

Jeongin then opened the door fully and let him in, making sure to close it behind him quickly and lock it again. It was only then that Chan realized the black smudges around Jeongin's eyes. 

‘What happened to your face?’

Jeongin let out a sigh. ‘Hyunwoo put eyeliner on me, and I forgot about it, and I rubbed my eye, and now it's ruined, and I can't go out.’

Chan smiled, endeared by him. ‘Ok, let me take care of it.’

‘I won't look pretty anymore,’ said Jeongin, with worried eyes. ‘I wanted to win.’

Chan laughed. ‘Win what?’

Jeongin shrugged. ‘I don't know... I wanted him to see I'm doing better than him. It's so dumb.’

Chan shook his head. ‘It's really not.’

‘I already tried the makeup remover, I think it makes it worse. I don't even know without a mirror. I was scared to stay too long in the bathroom in case he came in.’

‘Don't worry about it, I'll do it.’

Chan grabbed the cotton and the makeup remover Jeongin had set on the nightstand just as Jeongin sat down on the bed, pouting. 

‘I'm sorry,’ said Jeongin, just as Chan started rubbing the pad on Jeongin's face carefully.

Chan chuckled. ‘For what?’

‘This. It's so dumb.’

‘It's not.’

‘Is he here already?’

‘Been here for a while.’

‘Has he asked about me?’ Before Chan could answer, Jeongin talked faster. ‘Actually, don't tell me, I don't want to know. This is dumb.’

‘Stop saying that.’ Chan finished removing every trace of makeup from Jeongin's face. ‘There you go.’

Jeongin opened his eyes. ‘Thank you.’

‘No problem.’ Chan said with a simple smile. ‘Now do you have the eyeliner? I can try to do it again for you.’

Jeongin raised a brow at him. ‘Have you ever done eyeliner in your life?’

‘I've seen multiple people do it - my sister, Lix, my exes... How hard can it be?’

Jeongin laughed. ‘Very.’

Chan blinked. ‘Well, you look pretty like this either way.’

Jeongin smiled. ‘How does he look? Does he look good?’

‘Yeah, he does.’

‘Fuck.’

Chan smiled, amused. ‘You know it doesn't help your case to stay here, right? You could be out there, having fun with your friends, showing off how much you don't need him. That’s how you win.’

‘Lix said I didn't need to speak to him.’

Chan looked away and nodded. ‘Well, yeah, of course he would say that. Me, personally, if I had gone to the same party as Felix and not spoken to him, I would've jumped on the train tracks.’

‘Drastic.’

Chan shrugged. ‘It is what it is.’

Jeongin looked down at the floor. ‘D-Did you think you would get back together? Back then?’

Chan shook his head. ‘I didn't.’

For the longest time, he thought nothing would happen between them again. They each went their own way, dated different people, and built a life where they didn’t need each other anymore. And then he saw Felix again at a party just like this one, talked to him in that same kitchen, and they were okay. Chan left the party relieved yet disappointed. He hadn’t expected Felix to get back with him after one conversation and run away with him. But he had expected more. Because, despite being over his love, Chan never stopped missing Felix in his life.

‘I just mostly went into it really wanting him back in my life. I didn't care for the romantic stuff.’

Jeongin nodded, and the silence lingered between the two for a moment. Chan didn't mind. It was a lot to take in. Chan had had years to prepare for seeing Felix again. He always knew it would happen when he came back to Seoul, and he had days to prepare for the party Changbin organized. Jeongin had merely hours.

‘C-Can I see his Instagram account?’ asked Jeongin suddenly. ‘So it's not so much of a shocker to see him.’

Chan nodded, taking out the phone from his pocket. ‘Of course.’

He watched Jeongin scroll carefully through the photos. Chan already knew Seungmin didn't post much. There were mostly pictures of scenery, pictures from concerts, and pictures of the occasional museum. There were photos of him here and there, mostly pictures with other people. In the saved stories, there was more to see about Seungmin's friends, his circle, which wasn’t very big from Chan’s understanding. His current stories were something with his siblings, from what Chan could tell.

‘I-I don't know if I’m ready,’ said Jeongin under his breath as he handed back the phone.

‘It's okay if you're not.’

Jeongin bit his lip. ‘I don't want to miss him.’

Chan stayed silent for a moment before he whispered: ‘It's okay if you do, though.’

Carrying regret and pain over a relationship that hadn't worked was difficult. It was even more difficult to face it and get it right. Chan didn’t get it right the first time. The first time he saw Felix was underwhelming. They greeted each other and ignored the elephant in the room. But they knew they had time; they both knew Chan was moving to Seoul, and Felix wasn’t going anywhere. Seungmin and Jeongin didn't have the same privilege.

Chan could tell from the look in Jeongin's eyes that if he spoke to Seungmin, it would be the real deal. They didn’t have all the time in the world. Maybe that's what had kept them apart for so long. The fear of getting it wrong. Again.

Jeongin nodded slowly. ‘Thanks.’

Chan gave him one last smile. ‘I'm gonna go back out there, okay? Send me a message if you want to come out together or something.’

Jeongin nodded again. ‘Yeah, thanks, Chan.’

Chan left the room just as Changbin was walking past it. Changbin stopped when he noticed him and waited for Chan to close the door before they talked.

‘How is he?’

Chan shrugged. ‘Fine.’

‘Is he going to come out?’

‘Not yet,’ said Chan as they walked down the hall back to the living room.

‘Do you think we should force him out?’

‘Not yet,’ said Chan. ‘Maybe later.’

‘I'll tell Hyunwoo to do it so our hands are clean.’

Chan laughed just as Hyunwoo spotted them and walked up to them, putting his arms around Changbin to kiss him. Chan didn't stick around to watch and instead turned to look for Felix. It had been two years since he had moved to Seoul, but he was still only friendly with most of the friends the rest had made while he was away. His friends were somewhere else. When he was at these parties, he stuck to Jisung, to Changbin, but more importantly to Felix, who was now happily talking to Seungmin, but when he saw him, he smiled even brighter. He was okay with choosing Changbin. He would do it every single time. He still had to remember to call Soyoung after midnight to wish her a happy New Year. 

‘Hey! Where were you?’ asked Felix, extending his hand for Chan to take it.

‘The noise was a lot so we drank our beer in the bathroom. Jisung kicked us out.’

Felix frowned, amused. ‘Ok, sure, why not?’

Chan squeezed Felix's hand before he turned to Seungmin.

‘So you're staying over tonight?’

Seungmin nodded as he swallowed the last sip he had taken from his beer. ‘Yeah, but I need to get back not too late. The flight is at night, but I need to pack. So I won't be in your hair for too long.’

‘Oh, no, you never bother.’

‘The heater broke, though, so we're probably going to die frozen to death.’

While Seungmin laughed, Chan rolled his eyes. ‘It's not that bad.’

‘The three of us will have to share the bed. We'll keep each other warm like that.’

‘I've slept in worse conditions,’ said Seungmin with a smile.

‘Your two favorite people together. It's a dream come true,’ said Chan, looking at Felix.

Felix suddenly dropped his hand. ‘Bold of you to assume you're part of the favorites.’

‘And here I was thinking what we had was mutual.’

‘You still have to win my heart.’

‘Well, while you flirt, I'm going for another beer,’ said Seungmin, holding up the empty bottle.

‘I'm very happy right now,’ whispered Felix to Chan while Seungmin was making his way through the crowd to the kitchen. ‘I just need Jeongin to leave his room.’

‘He will eventually.’

Felix nodded slowly. ‘I just don't want him to suffer because of me.’

Chan shook his head. ‘He’s fine.’

But Felix didn't seem too convinced. He took a sip of his beer without having a response to give.

‘Thank you for loving me again.’

Felix frowned. ‘Where's that coming from?’

Chan shrugged. ‘Just thinking... You know... Seungmin and Jeongin and... Yeah.’

Felix suddenly grabbed his face with both of his hands, cupping his cheeks. ‘I would love you a million times in every life, over and over again.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Hell yeah.’

Chan leaned in for the kiss. A soft one. A sweet one. Felix's lips didn't taste the same anymore. They didn't taste of innocence anymore. But they still tasted of love - probably even more than before.

22h44

Hyunjin loved snow. He liked the way it covered the whole city in white. He liked how the cold hit his skin and made every touch seem more meaningful, warmer. He liked the feeling of going back home to the warm food that Minho had prepared. He liked Jisung curling up closer to him on the couch. But most of all, he liked how everything seemed more peaceful, quieter, more beautiful.

‘Babe, I know you like snow, but you're gonna catch a cold.’

Hyunjin turned around to see Minho opening the balcony door, holding a beanie. When he closed the door behind him, he stepped closer to Hyunjin and put the beanie on his head - horrible technique, the beanie covered Hyunjin's eyes, and he had to rearrange it himself. Minho leaned in and kissed him.

‘Thanks,’ whispered Hyunjin.

Minho stood next to him on the balcony and looked ahead while setting his hands on the banister.

‘So did you talk to the elephant in the room?’ asked Minho, not even looking at him.

Hyunjin laughed. ‘I haven't. Don't really want to.’

Minho turned to him. ‘Why not?’

Hyunjin snorted. ‘He left. He hurt Jeongin.’

‘Jeongin hurt him back.’

‘You're defending Kim Seungmin?’ asked Hyunjin, raising a brow at him.

Minho rolled his eyes. ‘I'm just saying I think it's a good opportunity, you know, to talk to him. You could regret it if you don’t take advantage of the situation. It’s a party, there’s no pressure, and loud music to cover your voice if you want to scream at him.’

Hyunjin laughed slightly and shrugged. ‘I'm not going to him. He’s the one who left. If he wants to talk, I’m here.’

‘You're a child sometimes, you know that?’

‘Absolutely,’ said Hyunjin quickly, and Minho smiled at him before he leaned closer once again and kissed him. ‘Either way, we all know Felix is going to start bringing him around all the time from now on. This has been his evil plan all along.’

Minho laughed. ‘I don't think Felix has an evil bone in his entire body, Hyunjin. It's not evil for him to want his best friend not to be... You know…’

‘The elephant in the room?’

Minho smiled. ‘Exactly.’ He shrugged. ‘But, well, you know me… I don't ever think I'll be a fan of the guy.’

‘You never gave him a shot.’

‘You're not giving him a shot right now.’

Hyunjin smiled softly. ‘I guess we're meant to be then.’

Minho turned around and leaned against the banister. ‘What about him then?’

Hyunjin looked back and saw Jisung and Felix forcing Seungmin to join them for karaoke. He couldn't help but smile at the sight.

‘We needed someone to prevent us from turning into old, bitter people.’

Minho smiled. ‘I still plan on being old and bitter.’

‘Good. I love bittersweet things.’

‘How poetic of you,’ said Minho, leaning to kiss him on the cheek. ‘But I'm freezing. I'm going back inside. Don't die frozen, okay?’

‘Promise.’

Minho kissed him one last time before he went back inside, and went straight to Jisung, who put his arms around him and kissed him. It did look warm inside. But Hyunjin liked the snow. It was around just a couple of days a year. 

When he heard the music get slightly louder, he looked back to find Changbin standing behind him, now closing the balcony door behind him.

‘Hey, you,’ said Hyunjin with a smile. ‘Nice party.’

‘Wish I could take credit, but Hyunwoo did most of the organization and decoration. And, well, Jisung is doing the entertainment.’ Hyunjin smiled and looked down at the drinks in Changbin's hands. ‘You forgot your drink.’

‘Right,’ said Hyunjin, laughing. Minho said he would make him a cool cocktail with some of the drinks Hyunwoo and Changbin had stored in the fridge, but he agreed to everything Jisung wanted to add, so Hyunjin ended up with a weird blend of a margarita, a cosmopolitan, and something that simply didn't have a name. He hadn't minded forgetting about it.

‘No one else is gonna drink that,’ said Changbin, laughing.

‘I’m unique like that.’

‘Clearly,’ said Changbin, finally lighting up a cigarette and bringing it to his lips. ‘I’m glad your coworker took pity on you.’

Hyunjin smiled, amused. ‘I’m glad I’m here, too, Changbin. Though I’ll have to make up the hours.’

‘You should leave. I’m serious.’

Hyunjin shook his head. ‘Can't... I have to hold out until Jeongin graduates and he's able to afford-’

‘Well, if I paid Jeongin’s entire rent, would that be enough for you to be able to quit?’

Hyunjin blinked. It wouldn't, but it would help with the groceries, the gas, and the pressure on his shoulders. But Hyunjin didn’t want to put that burden on Changbin’s shoulders, he didn’t want to be a reason for Changbin to call his parents for more money.

‘You're barely here, Hyunjin. It's so dumb you're still paying rent. You should put that money in the place where you actually live.’

It made sense in Hyunjin's fucked up mind. He talked about it a lot with Minho, even sometimes with Jisung, and even more with his therapist. But he couldn't let go of his safety net. Everything was fleeting. Nothing was forever. If he moved in officially, if he let go of this place, and things fell apart, he would have nothing.

‘You don't need to pay rent to know you'll always have a place wherever I live, you know,’ said Changbin in between drags as if those words didn't have weight. But they did. To Hyunjin, they did.

Hyunjin cleared his throat before changing the topic. ‘So what do you have planned for tomorrow?’

‘Well, we're probably going to be tired, because we’re going out after this.’

‘Right.’

‘So we're going to a fancy restaurant for dinner. I already made the reservation.’

‘Are you getting him something?’

Changbin nodded. ‘A bracelet. Told my parents I needed more money for a Christmas gift, I'm sorry to say it went all on Hyunwoo.’

Hyunjin laughed. ‘Fair. Send me a picture later.’

‘Of course.’

‘Did you get a hotel or something?’

Changbin shook his head. ‘Well, initially we had thought about going to Hyunwoo's place-’

‘Right, that place still exists,’ said Hyunjin, laughing to himself. Hyunwoo spent every waking moment in this place, but somehow, they still acted like they didn't live together.

Changbin rolled his eyes. ‘Look who's talking.’

Hyunjin raised his arms to show his innocence. ‘I'm fully aware of my situation. But also, I have an excuse. Someone else is using my room. Hyunwoo's apartment is just there, empty.’

Changbin flipped him off, and Hyunjin laughed. ‘So as I was saying... We were going to go there to have some privacy.’

‘Privacy? Is that what they call crazy sex these days?’

Changbin let out a heavy sigh. ‘I take it back. I don't want you near me anymore.’

Hyunjin laughed. ‘C'mon... Tell me why you cancelled your privacy?’

Changbin shrugged. ‘I don't feel really okay with leaving Jeongin alone, to be honest. If they talk or not, if it goes well or not, I just... It doesn’t feel right for me to be out there.’

‘Bin... He's not a child.’

Changbin shook his head. ‘I'm not saying he is... I'm just saying he may need support, and maybe he doesn't! I just want to be here in case he needs someone. We can have privacy any other day.’

‘Two years is a big one, Bin.’

‘Three will be even bigger.’

Hyunjin smiled. ‘We can stay here.’

‘What? No, I didn't mean it like-’

‘I know! I'm just saying, we can totally stay here. We all have the day off, but we're exhausted, so the plan was to make seaweed soup and watch a movie. Your TV is way better than ours.’

‘Hyunjin-’

‘I'm serious! We would be more than happy to stay. We're staying tonight either way,’ said Hyunjin with a shrug.

Changbin blinked at him. ‘You sure?’

‘Absolutely, Bin. We would be more than happy to stay here. It’s no problem at all.’

‘Just for that, I'll go get you an actual good drink,’ said Changbin, putting out his cigarette against the banister.

Hyunjin laughed. ‘You don't have to.’

‘I insist,’ said Changbin, and in the blink of an eye, he was gone. But also in the blink of an eye, the music got louder again, and Hyunjin recognized that the door had been opened.

‘Back so quickly? What did you-’

When Hyunjin turned around, he wasn't faced with Changbin. He was faced with someone taller, slimmer - someone who stood there as if waiting for Hyunjin's authorization to stand next to him.

‘Oh, hi,’ said Hyunjin, under his breath.

‘Hey,’ answered Seungmin.

‘Thought you were Changbin. He's supposed to bring me a drink.’ Seungmin frowned and looked at the drink Hyunjin had in his hands. Hyunjin smiled, amused. ‘This is some shit Minho and Hannie did. Doesn't taste great. You can try it if you want.’

Seungmin extended his hand, and Hyunjin gave him the glass. Seungmin brought it to his lips to take a sip, and then the flavor hit, it was obvious from the disgusted expression on his face. Hyunjin laughed.

‘Told you.’

‘Yeah, they don't have a future in mixology, I fear,’ said Seungmin, giving the glass back to Hyunjin. He stepped more onto the balcony and filled the space Changbin had been in, a step further from where Minho had been. ‘Wasn’t Minho a bartender at some point?’

‘Not anymore,’ said Hyunjin.

‘He got fired, I presume? I can see why.’

Hyunjin laughed softly and shook his head. ‘He got another job.’

Seungmin nodded, pressed his lips, and asked: ‘So you still call him Han? Rather, Hannie.’

Hyunjin smiled. ‘Force of habit.’

Seungmin cleared his throat. ‘I'm glad you guys... Figured it out.’ Hyunjin hummed as he played with the ice cubes in the drink, spinning them in the glass. ‘You seem to work well together.’

‘We do,’ said Hyunjin under his breath and took a sip of his glass. Still not good. ‘I mean, it's not... Perfect by any means. Not sure any relationship ever is. But... I mean, we make it work.’

Seungmin smiled softly. ‘Are you happy?’

Hyunjin looked at Seungmin and nodded. He was happy about Minho and Jisung. He was happy every time he was with them. But growing up had come with the realization that the key to happiness, to fulfillment, wasn't based in a long-term relationship that worked. He used to believe love was all he needed. He was 14 when he met Minho and believed that if he had him, his entire life would make sense. It wasn't as simple. Relationships, especially one like theirs, where they were met with constant doubt and judgment, took work, took commitment, and even when things were perfect, it wasn't enough to find individual meaning. Hyunjin was grateful that they were able to give each other the space to grow and change in the ways they needed and to find themselves. It didn’t mean he had found it.

It turned out that when the factor of changing boyfriends was taken out of the equation, Hyunjin moved from one hobby to another. It was painting, it was drawing, it was crochet, it was music, it was photography, and a million things among which half he had abandoned. He had tried it all under the face of the sun. Being in a long-term relationship had forced him to look for what he wanted and who he wanted to be. That part wasn't so happy.

But he wasn't going to explain all of this to Seungmin.

‘I am,’ said Hyunjin with a slight smile. ‘They make me happy.’

Seungmin nodded slowly. ‘You never answered my letter.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Not that you had to. I mean, I get it, I left, and I understand that when I found out about the bet, you found out about Minho and Jisung, and that must've been... Difficult. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. So I get it. I just... Was wondering if you-’

‘I didn't read it,’ said Hyunjin.

‘Oh.’

‘Initially,’ added Hyunjin and Seungmin frowned. ‘I read it a few years back. I just didn't see the point in answering. It was too late, I guess, and I didn't want to re-hash things. Felix told me you were doing well at that time, so I just... Yeah. Thought it was better to leave it as it was.’

Jisung had been right. The letter had been nice. It hadn't been filled with resentment. It was an explanation for leaving, a goodbye, and, even though Hyunjin had never needed it in writing, he was glad it existed. His relationship with Seungmin had been superficial and fleeting, never meant to last, but it had existed. It had been more tangible, more important, and meaningful than most of Hyunjin's relationships. Most importantly, Seungmin was his friend. He had changed his life. He had opened his eyes to things Hyunjin would’ve never thought about if it weren’t for Seungmin. He knew that without Seungmin, he wouldn’t have Jisung or Minho. Physical proof of the bond that had been there that wasn’t tainted by mistakes, regrets, and resentment healed a scar in Hyunjin that he hadn’t realized was so big.

Minho had often asked him why he resented Seungmin for leaving the way he did, but not Jeongin. Why he waited for Jeongin, why he sent messages, why he did even more for him than when Jeongin was there. And he had a point. He understood it even more when Jeongin returned to their lives. He understood why someone needed to retreat from a situation to heal. But understanding didn't mean it didn't hurt.

‘I don't think it would've ever been too late. I would've loved to hear from you.’

Hyunjin looked at him carefully. ‘Then why didn't you reach out?’

‘Well, when I was ready to, I felt like you didn't want me to.’

Hyunjin looked down. ‘Well, I would've loved to hear from you too.’ Hyunjin met Seungmin's gaze and smiled. ‘You look good, Seungmin. It's good seeing you.’

Seungmin smiled. ‘According to your boyfriend, I look hot.’

Hyunjin laughed. ‘I always knew you would run off with Minho.’

Seungmin laughed at his joke and sipped on his beer, turning around to lean against the banister and look into the living room.

‘Does he hate me?’ he asked quietly.

‘Who? Minho?’ asked Hyunjin. ‘Probably.’

Seungmin shook his head with a soft smile. ‘You know who.’

Hyunjin took a moment to answer. ‘He doesn't.’

‘Then why isn't he coming out? I feel like I'm ruining his night.’

‘Oh, that's just the way he is. He never comes out a lot, you know.’

Seungmin nodded slowly and pressed his lips together. ‘How is he?’

Hyunjin smiled. ‘You'll have to ask him yourself,’ he said with a wink and a sip on his awful drink.

‘If he comes out.’

Hyunjin rolled his eyes. ‘He'll come out, don't worry.’ Hyunjin shrugged. ‘But he's doing good, better than when you knew him even. He's in a good place right now. Honestly, I don't think Felix would've even thought of inviting you if he wasn't.’

‘I know,’ whispered Seungmin. ‘Sounds like Lix to know when people are ready to see each other again.’

Hyunjin chuckled. ‘He knows a thing or two about reconnecting with people.’

23h13

Jeongin had gone back and forth a million times now. He had gotten to the knob a couple of times, turned it a few times, and even opened the door slightly one time. But his heart was beating out of his chest, and it felt as if he stepped out of the room, his heart would stop altogether. He eventually gave up and convinced himself that if he could find the old list of things he wanted to tell Seungmin, it would be a sign that he had to go outside and face Seungmin. He had made a promise to Hyunwoo. He didn't like not keeping his promises.

But his list was nowhere to be found. He had flipped through boxes and notebooks, and he faced the reality that the paper had to be at his parents’ house. He was so sure that he had kept it - the last piece of hope he once had.

Jeongin was flipping through another notebook when the door opened suddenly. He had forgotten to lock the door that one time he had managed to open it. Hyunwoo barged in without closing the door behind him. By the look in his eyes, Jeongin knew he was on a mission. He knew he wouldn't back down.

‘You promised,’ said Hyunwoo, pointing at him.

Jeongin blinked. ‘I know but-’

‘No buts! You promised! We can do a soft shot, but we are doing a shot,’ he walked up to Jeongin and grabbed his wrist. ‘What happened to the makeup?’

‘Ruined it accidentally,’ said Jeongin.

‘Shame,’ said Hyunwoo in a shrug. ‘You still look great.’

‘Hyunwoo-’

‘Please,’ said Hyunwoo with a softer tone. ‘Come with me, okay? We'll go to the kitchen area, and I'll hide you, and Bin will help. He's like all the way near the balcony. If you don't want to talk to him and he tries anything, I'll stall him, and you can run out of the house. No judgement.’

Jeongin laughed slightly. ‘Promise?’

‘Yup,’ said Hyunwoo with one nod. ‘And I do keep my promises.’

‘It's not midnight yet. I haven't broken my promise yet.’

‘That's why I came to get you. So you remain a good friend.’

Without another word, Hyunwoo finally pulled Jeongin's wrist and dragged him out of the room, leaving the notebook open on the floor. Jeongin did manage to close the door of the room quickly when Hyunwoo was dragging him into the living room. 

‘Look who I have here!’

Jeongin didn't even have the time to look around, Hyunwoo was already leading him to the bar where Changbin was waiting with a smile, giving his back to the rest of the party. Jeongin didn't turn around, but he still felt his entire body shaking, his legs were about to give out, and he was about to fall despite Hyunwoo trying to distract him. 

Jisung joined them as soon as he noticed Hyunwoo was setting up shots. He filled three shot glasses with vodka, and they each took a glass. Changbin cheered along with his non-alcoholic beer, and Jeongin downed the shot quickly, feeling the liquid burn his throat. He had never been able to hold his alcohol very well when it came to strong alcohols. But tonight he knew he needed it. The burn in his throat was already softening every other sensation in his body.

‘Another!’ said Jisung when he set the glass back on the counter.

‘Bro, Chan said you should stop drinking,’ said Changbin.

‘He said no more beers,’ countered Jisung, lifting his index finger. ‘I'm only listening to his instructions.’

Hyunwoo did serve the second shot, saying it would be the last one. He poured two glasses, then turned to Jeongin, holding up the bottle.

‘I'm good, I'll just take a beer,’ said Jeongin, making his way around the bar to get to the fridge.

‘You can grab the champagne if you want,’ said Hyunwoo before downing his shot with Jisung. ‘It should be cold already.’

‘It's past 11, we should be passing it around so people get in the champagne mood,’ said Changbin. ‘Can you grab mine, please?’

Jeongin did as indicated. He grabbed one of the bottles reserved for Changbin or whoever didn't want to drink, and one bottle of regular champagne. He opened Changbin's first to pour him a glass, grabbed the empty beer bottle and put it along with the other empty bottles - it would be a pain to take care of them the next day - and he finally opened his bottle. Unfortunately, it wasn't as smooth, and the popping sound was loud and impossible to miss. But Jeongin was too busy avoiding the foam from getting everywhere to realize people had turned in his direction while some others cheered. Jisung laughed, and Hyunwoo helped him clean everything and grabbed him a plastic cup. Changbin didn't drink anymore, barely talked to his parents, but he was very clear about not breaking the crystal glasses they had bought him for his 21st birthday. It was a poorly timed birthday gift. They had come in a box during Changbin's first few months sober. He still liked them.

Jeongin finally served himself some champagne and took a sip - way nicer for his throat. He then tried to catch up to whatever conversation Changbin, Jisung, and Hyunwoo got into, until he looked up.

And he saw him.

All the way across the room. His hair was shorter. It made him look older. It made him look taller. Or maybe he had simply gotten taller. 

He was looking at him, too.

Jeongin blinked once. It was Seungmin now. Blinked twice. It was Seungmin back then. He was scared that if he blinked a third time, he would be gone. But before that, Seungmin waved at him with a soft smile. Jeongin felt his eyes tearing up, so before they did, he also waved back. Seungmin's smile became bigger.

And suddenly it felt all so easy. So simple. 

Jeongin tilted his head towards the door in one quick, sharp movement, and after the longest second of his life, Seungmin nodded slightly. After all these years, they still didn't need words. After all these years, it was still as easy for Jeongin to slip between people completely unnoticed, with the newly opened bottle of champagne and two plastic cups in his hand, put on his shoes and coat, and leave the apartment as if nothing had happened. He didn't wait for Seungmin. He knew he was behind. Seungmin had always been good at following him.

Jeongin didn't look back once as he walked to the park right around the building. It felt like a one-minute walk lasted for two hours. He didn't want to check if Seungmin was there. He trusted he would be. If he looked back, the illusion could go away before it had to.

It was too cold for people to be outside, but the lights were still on. The park was lonely, so Jeongin was able to sit on his favorite bench, the one that overlooked the city. It felt less lonely once Seungmin arrived.

‘Hey,’ he said softly when Jeongin was serving champagne in the second cup.

Jeongin looked up at him and handed him the cup. ‘Champagne?’

Seungmin smiled and nodded, grabbed the cup, and sat down. ‘How fancy. We've come a long way from the warm beers Changbin hid in his closet.’

Jeongin laughed. ‘We're grown-ups now.’

Seungmin huffed. ‘That's what they say.’

Jeongin looked at him for a moment. ‘Cheers.’

Seungmin smiled and tapped his cup against Jeongin’s. Jeongin took a long sip, but Seungmin took an even longer one, letting the silence settle. It wasn't much of a silence because they could hear the music from buildings around, they could hear cars driving nearby, and they could even hear people celebrating the incoming new year.

‘I thought Changbin's boyfriend was your boyfriend,’ said Seungmin with a chuckle.

Jeongin frowned. ‘Hyunwoo?’

Seungmin nodded. ‘Yeah... Felix said it was your apartment, and he opened the door and said it was his boyfriend's place, so…’

Jeongin laughed. ‘Yeah, no, we're not compatible in that way. Great guy though.’

‘Seems like it. Changbin said they've been together for two years?’

Jeongin nodded. ‘Yeah. Tomorrow is their anniversary, actually. They were friends before, though. He's been good with Changbin, which is nice. He went through... A lot.’

Seungmin nodded slowly. ‘Lix did tell me some of it.’

‘I assumed,’ said Jeongin, clearing his throat. ‘He's sober now.’

Seungmin raised his eyebrows in surprise. ‘That explains all the non-alcoholic drinks Hyunwoo told me about.’ Jeongin smiled, amused. ‘How long have you been living with Changbin?’

‘About two years. I was living alone before that, for the first two years of college.’

‘Oh, so you moved in when Hyunjin moved out.’

Jeongin shook his head and cleared his throat. ‘Hyunjin never really moved out…’

Seungmin frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

Jeongin let out a sigh. ‘It's a whole thing, but basically Minho and Jisung moved in together, and Hyunjin didn't want to move in with them, but then he was spending all his time there anyway, and then…’ Jeongin bit his lip. It was surprisingly easy to talk to Seungmin, but he didn't know how far he could go. When he looked at him, Seungmin blinked, curious. Jeongin owed him honesty - to him more than to anyone else. ‘I-I had a bit of a burnout, a breakdown, I guess... I started self-harming again, so my parents didn't want me to stay here; they wanted to pull me out of college, take a gap year, or finish school online, but I... I really didn't want to. I felt like if I went back there, it would be just worse and more isolating. They threatened to stop paying rent. So Hyunjin arranged for me to use his room on the condition I went to therapy. And yeah... That's how I ended up here. Hyunjin used to come more often, and I would have to sleep on the couch, but he barely comes to stay the night anymore. He's living full-time with Minho and Jisung now, and I'm here. It works.’

Jeongin took a long sip of his champagne while Seungmin breathed out: ‘I'm so sorry, Jeongin.’

Jeongin shrugged. ‘It's okay now.’

‘Is it?’

Jeongin nodded. ‘It really is. Two years clean in February. I wasn’t able to finish all my classes in time, so I’m still in college. I should only have one semester left, though. But yeah, I'm... I'm good.’

Seungmin smiled. ‘I'm glad.’ He paused for a moment. ‘What about your parents then?’

‘They weren't happy about it, still aren't, but well. I still talk to them. I just went to their place for Christmas. It's all good for the most part.’

Seungmin nodded and pressed his lips together. ‘I-I saw my mom.’

Jeongin's eyes opened wide in surprise. He tried to control his expression, but he couldn't. Seungmin almost chuckled seeing him.

‘Yeah, I know,’ he said, amused.

‘I mean, I'm glad for you! I guess?’

‘It was last summer,’ said Seungmin with a nod. ‘She got remarried.’

Jeongin cringed. ‘And she invited you?’

‘Technically? Her fiancé, now husband, reached out to me through Facebook, of all places, and said it would mean a lot for me to go. Apparently, she became extremely religious, and that's when she met him, and he brought her to a more open-minded church or whatever. They're big on redemption, and forgiveness, and loving everyone. Honestly, I didn't listen to that part, but the point was that she wanted to make things right with me before she got remarried.’

‘And you went?’

Seungmin nodded. ‘Yeah... It didn't feel super safe, so I didn't go alone. Thankfully, my boyfriend was all for a Korean holiday to visit my homophobic estranged mother.’

Jeongin felt his heart fall out of his chest, but he didn't say a word. Instead, he smiled at Seungmin’s words. He should've known. He should've guessed. It had been so long. Jeongin himself had tried dating, but it never went anywhere. He never connected to people. He was okay with it. He didn't care, apart from the cold days when everyone was out with their partners and Jeongin had nothing but ice cream and a comic book. It still felt like enough most days.

‘She was so different.’

‘In a good way?’

Seungmin hesitated for a moment. ‘I'm not even sure. She seemed more lively. She apologized, I guess, but it felt so... Performative?’ Seungmin shrugged. ‘Nate said that she was trying and I should appreciate that, but I just couldn't... I was 15, you know. I was a child.’ Seungmin paused. ‘But anyway, the wedding was lovely. We didn't burn alive when entering the church or anything.’ Jeongin laughed. ‘But we haven't spoken apart from Christmas cards and my birthday. I didn't make the effort either. I didn't want to. I accepted her apology, but I don't think I can forgive something like that, so... Yeah.’

‘I'm sorry, Seungmin.’

‘I’m not,’ said Seungmin softly. ‘I don’t… I don’t want her in my life, but… It was good to see her and get that closure, you know? Of course, it sucks that it happened, but well. There’s nothing I can do about it, and nothing I could’ve done even back then. And it got me to a place where I’m happy.’ Seungmin shrugged. ‘It is what it is. I did lots of therapy too, you know, you're not special.’ Jeongin laughed. ‘And I talked a lot with my dad.’

‘How is he doing?’

Seungmin took a big sigh. ‘Listen…’

‘Does he let you close your door now?’

Seungmin laughed. ‘Surprisingly, he does!’

‘Progress.’

‘Definitely,’ said Seungmin. ‘Even got to share the bed with Nate, crazy stuff.’ Jeongin forced a smile as if it didn’t burn his heart. ‘But yeah, after the wedding, we talked a lot, and I kind of... I mean, he was by no means perfect and he was an ass, and he did a lot of things wrong, starting with walking out on me, but... When it came to it, he tried. I kind of developed a new appreciation for all the things he did, especially in senior year, sending me away when I needed and setting everything up. I used to see it as him trying to send me away so I would stop being a problem. Now, I kind of understand he wanted me to have a better life, one where I would be more accepted, I guess. I think I could've gotten that here, too, but I understand how he didn't think so. We're not besties by any means, but... We're good.’ 

Jeongin nodded slowly. ‘And you like New York?’

Seungmin gave him the most sincere smile yet. ‘I love it. There are so many cool things to do, and I found my people there. I-It's everything I needed.’

‘Including the rats?’

Seungmin laughed. ‘Including the rats.’ There was a silence before he spoke again. ‘I do come here every Christmas, mostly for my siblings. I realized I wish I had someone who was more open-minded and different when I was their age. I think... I think it would've made all the difference. And I see them and I just... I don't understand hurting a kid... I really don't.’ Seungmin shrugged. ‘But you were definitely right.’

Jeongin frowned. ‘About what?’

‘My mom not being the nicest person.’

Jeongin would've laughed if it weren't so sad. Seungmin had always deserved a better family.

‘I actually really wanted to reach out to you when that happened... The wedding,’ said Seungmin, this time looking away.

Jeongin looked down. ‘You did?’

Seungmin nodded slowly. ‘I mean, of course, there were many times I wanted to talk to you, it's not like the only time I thought of you was last year, but…’ Seungmin shrugged and looked back at Jeongin. ‘You knew better than anyone, you know? You were the first person I told, and yeah, of course, I told Felix not long after telling you, and Nate knew all about it. It just wasn't the same. It felt like something I needed to tell you and not someone else. I mean, just the fact that Nate still thinks I can just forgive her, I don’t know. I felt like you would be the only one to truly understand.’

Jeongin had had many moments like that in the past few years. Seungmin had known parts of him, doubts and fears, that no one else had come to know, even after all this time. Seungmin saw him in a way no one else ever would. It was one of the most painful things about not having him in his life anymore.

‘Why didn't you?’ asked Jeongin, hoping his voice wouldn't break.

‘Didn't think it would be this easy to talk to you.’

‘I get that.’

‘And it felt wrong I guess because of Nate.’

‘Right.’

‘He would've been cool with it, but I mean, when I thought about it, if he had reached out to an ex for emotional support without trying to talk to me first, it would’ve hurt. I didn’t want to hurt him.’

‘So you talked to him.’

Seungmin nodded. ‘Yeah... And it helped. I didn't spiral.’

‘Sounds like you have a good relationship.’

Seungmin stopped for a second to look at Jeongin. ‘Oh... I mean... Nate was my boyfriend at the time. I thought saying ex-boyfriend would be confusing, as if I had brought my ex-boyfriend to the wedding, sorry.’

‘Oh,’ said Jeongin, feeling relief he knew he shouldn't feel. ‘I'm sorry.’

‘Don’t be. I broke up with him, it was totally my decision... Right before our two-year anniversary.’

‘Two years? That's a long time,’ said Jeongin. When it came to Changbin and Hyunwoo, it felt like two days; when it came to Seungmin, spending every day with someone else, it felt like decades. ‘W-What happened?’

‘Well... Something clicked for me at the wedding. I’m not too sure how to explain it. I still love him - he's my best friend in New York - but as cliché as it sounds, I realized I wasn't in love anymore. I thought the wedding was affecting me, making me sad, and I didn't want to make any rash decisions. I also didn't want to lose him, but eventually I thought dragging it would make it worse. He wanted to move in and make all these plans, and I realized I just didn't want to anymore. So yeah... We broke up.’

The world had continued after Jeongin left school and Seungmin left for the other side of the world. Jeongin's life had very much felt like an eternal pause, but it hadn't been. He had changed, in a good way. Seungmin had changed, too. He had had more experiences, met people Jeongin couldn't even begin to imagine. And that was the reality. 

Jeongin needed to press start on his life again.

‘I-I lied to you.’

Seungmin blinked, surprised. ‘What?’

‘The last time we talked.’ Jeongin paused. Seungmin's stare had suddenly changed. ‘I did... I did love you,’ he said finally, after so long.

Seungmin smiled softly and nodded. ‘I know, Jeongin.’

‘You do?’

Seungmin nodded. ‘Yeah... For a long time, I believed you, and I was so mad about everything. It all felt so fake and tainted. But... I don't know. Eventually, I started to look at it differently. You were mad and rightfully so. What hurt the most is that you actively wanted to hurt me. Not being loved, I could live with, though it hurt. But… Thank you for saying it. It still means a lot.’

‘I'm also sorry for that,’ whispered Jeongin. ‘I'm sorry for trying to hurt you.’

Seungmin didn't look at him, he simply bobbed his head. Jeongin didn't stare too long. If he had, he would've seen the tears forming in Seungmin's eyes.

‘I'm sorry for the way I acted, too. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the kiss. I'm sorry I went after you. I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye.’

Jeongin shook his head. ‘I get why you did. I didn't give you a chance to do better.’ Jeongin snorted. ‘I thought I was so independent back then and I could handle everything by myself... I was just so mad you all could see how fragile I was.’

‘You weren't fragile, Jeongin. We were young. We all had our things, we probably still do.’ Seungmin pressed his lips together. ‘But I'm glad you know how to ask for help now. Really.’

Jeongin wished Seungmin would reach for him, even just a bit of touch, his hand on his cheek, his hand fixing his hair - anything. What he got instead was Seungmin putting his pinky finger on top of Jeongin's, their hands set on the bench in the space between them. 

‘Despite my awful timing, I did love you too - a lot.’

‘Sorry I was so shit to you.’

Seungmin smiled, amused. ‘You weren't. You were exactly what I needed. I would do it all over again, every single time.’ He paused. ‘Maybe minus the last few days. Definitely would handle that better.’

Jeongin laughed. ‘Yeah, definitely.’

A sudden cheer was heard everywhere all around them, and Seungmin looked away to understand what was happening, leaving Jeongin's hand behind. Jeongin used that same hand to reach for his phone.

‘It's midnight.’

Seungmin looked back at Jeongin. ‘Well, happy New Year, Yang Jeongin,’ he said, holding up his cup.

‘Happy New Year, Kim Seungmin.’

00h37

Seungmin didn't realize just how young they had been until he saw Jeongin. From across the room, he had seen how his jaw was more defined, his cheeks less round and sharper, his eyes had a different light to them. But up close, he looked the same. His way of talking had changed, and so had his way of standing. He didn't seem to hide anymore. He existed. Fully. Unapologetically.

His laugh was fuller. His smile was brighter. His dimples were just as deep, if not more. And he was still beautiful now. He was still the easiest person to love.

Despite all the changes, talking to Jeongin felt like the easiest thing Seungmin had to do. Jeongin told him about his job at the comic book store, which Seungmin thought was perfect for him. Seungmin told him about his master's thesis, and Jeongin heard every single one of his words as if it was the most interesting thing in the world - it wasn't.

They only made their way back to the apartment once the champagne bottle was mostly empty. The streets were empty and quieter than before, but it could’ve felt like that because Seungmin felt as if they were floating in a bubble. He wanted to grab Jeongin's hand. He stopped himself because he knew how dumb that was. Seungmin wasn't the same anymore, and Jeongin wasn't either. Just because the conversation was easy and all the pain and resentment seemed to vanish, it didn't mean they could pick right where they had left off, it didn't mean the issues that had once been there were gone. He was probably misreading the situation, transposing on Jeongin what he wanted. Maybe Jeongin didn't want to kiss him too. Maybe Jeongin had figured out he didn't like kissing people after all. Maybe Jeongin had figured out he didn't like people altogether.

‘Where's everyone?’ asked Jeongin when he opened the apartment door and found it nearly empty compared to how they had left it. There were plenty of empty bottles on the floor, even more confetti on the floor, but the hall had been suspiciously quiet, and the apartment only confirmed their suspicion.

‘It took 15 minutes after midnight for the neighbours to be assholes and start complaining,’ said Hyunwoo, passing by with empty bottles to gather them in one bag, while Seungmin closed the door behind him. ‘We had to let everyone go.’

There were still some people left in the apartment. Hyunjin and Changbin were busy setting up an air mattress right in front of the couch, while Jisung was lying on the couch, head on Minho's lap, and Minho ran his fingers through his hair softly. Chan occupied an armchair, and Felix was sitting on his lap, which was preventing him from getting up to help Changbin and Hyunjin.

‘You're staying tonight?’ asked Jeongin in the direction of Minho. He had reached the sink to pour himself some water. Seungmin was surprised when Jeongin brought him a glass too. It was perfect because Seungmin was looking for any excuse to avoid eye contact with anyone, even more with Felix, whose stare was heavy on him.

‘Yeah, tonight and tomorrow,’ said Minho. ‘Changbin is staying with Hyunwoo tomorrow, though, so we're taking over the room.’

Jeongin frowned. ‘Why?’

‘Because the room is better than the living room.’

‘No, yeah, that part I get, but why are you staying tomorrow?’

‘We want to watch a movie and you have a bigger TV,’ said Hyunjin, while he was taking a break from air mattress duty, and Changbin was getting the sheets.

Jeongin didn't seem all that convinced from where Seungmin was standing, but he didn't say anything, he simply let out a sigh and an "alright" under his breath.

‘We should get going,’ said Chan, slapping Felix's thigh slightly so he would get up, which he did. And he walked right to Seungmin, asking a million questions with his big brown eyes. Seungmin didn't dare to look at him. It felt as if he had done something wrong, as if sneaking out had been wrong.

Felix suddenly cleared his throat. ‘Yeah, to the fridge.’

‘What do you mean, fridge?’ asked Jeongin.

‘Chan's heater bro,ke so we're gonna keep each other warm,’ said Felix, with a dramatic shrug. Seungmin could see right through him. He wanted to tell him to stop. ‘Can't bring him to my place, there's a party, and Seungmin needs his rest for his plane. It is what it is.’

Seungmin pressed his lips together, out of embarrassment. ‘It's fine, really. I'm used to the cold.’

‘You should stay,’ said Jeongin suddenly. He said it like there wasn't any weight to those words, and maybe there wasn't, maybe this was Jeongin being a good person, giving Seungmin a warm place to stay. But maybe, just maybe, this was Jeongin not wanting to let go of him - not yet. Because there was something Seungmin was sure they both knew: tomorrow he would be on a plane to New York.

‘You sure?’ he asked under his breath.

Jeongin nodded before taking a sip of his beer, and it seemed to be his last words, so Seungmin turned to Felix, who had the brightest smile on his face. When he looked at Hyunjin, however, he seemed more weary, but he also didn't say anything. Maybe because there was nothing to say, maybe because Changbin was back, telling him off for not helping to set the air mattress properly.

‘I'm going to my room, I'm tired,’ stated Jeongin.

‘Let us know if anything,’ said Minho when Jeongin walked past him, and Jeongin nodded. Minho looked away from Jeongin to stare at Seungmin for a few seconds. At least, Minho hadn't changed much.

‘Ok, well, we'll go,’ said Chan, playing with the keys of his car. Changbin waved at him while Hyunjin mumbled a soft "bye." Jisung was too asleep to say anything, and Minho simply smiled.

Seungmin met Felix's eyes. Saying goodbye to Felix had never been easy, and no matter how many times they did it, no matter how many times they had gone back to each other, Seungmin still couldn’t get used to the feeling. Every time they saw each other, the puzzle was complete; every time they were apart, something was missing.

‘I'll wait for you in the car,’ said Chan, with a smile. ‘It's always nice to see you, Seungmin.’

‘Yeah, you too,’ said Seungmin, smiling back. 

As soon as Chan left, Felix hugged Seungmin tightly, in the way only he could. Seungmin had found his people in New York. But no one was Felix. And it was okay. Seungmin didn't want another Felix.

‘What are you doing tomorrow?’ asked Felix when he let go.

‘Packing probably.’

Felix nodded. ‘Let me know if you're alone, okay? Packing with you sounds fun.’

‘Why wouldn't I-’ Seungmin cut himself off. ‘It's not like that, Lix.’

‘Just let me know, okay?’

‘I should go with you.’

Felix shook his head. ‘You do what you gotta do, okay?’ Felix hugged him again. ‘I’ll try to make it to the airport tomorrow either way, okay? And I'll go visit you this summer, promise.’

His voice was shaky, and it made Seungmin want to hold on to him longer. Maybe one day they would live in the same place again. Seungmin always held out hope. Seungmin always pictured Felix in the spaces he had kept for him. But one day wasn't today, and it was okay if it wasn't tomorrow, or if it never came. Felix was in every day, in every call, in every piece of him.

‘Love you, Lix.’

‘Love you more,’ said Felix, leaning back with a smile.

And just like that, he was gone, and Seungmin was left in an apartment he didn't know. The goodbye didn't have the time to settle because Hyunwoo was back, asking Changbin if he was ready. They had managed to get the air mattress ready, and Minho was already waking Jisung up so he would get on it. 

‘You're staying?’ asked Hyunwoo.

Seungmin blinked. ‘Yeah... Is that okay?’

Changbin nodded behind Hyunwoo. ‘Yeah, of course. We'll be back in a few hours.’

‘You don't want to go clubbing, do you?’ asked Hyunwoo with a smile.

Seungmin laughed. ‘Nah, I'm good, thank you. Have fun.’

‘You too!’ Hyunwoo's eyes opened wide. ‘I don't mean it like that!’

‘Okay, we're leaving now,’ said Changbin, grabbing Hyunwoo's hand and dragging him outside.

Seungmin turned to those who were left. Jisung was complaining with faint mumbles, and Minho was taking the place on the mattress next to him while Hyunjin took the couch. With the way they were acting, it seemed like this wasn't the first time this had happened. Seungmin debated whether to say something, but he simply headed for Jeongin's door - closed, with light peaking through under.

‘Started to think you had left,’ said Jeongin after Seungmin closed the door behind him.

‘Without saying goodbye?’ asked Seungmin. ‘Not really my style.’

Thankfully, Jeongin chuckled. Seungmin looked around the room. He could tell Hyunjin had lived here. His name was all over the wall, but there were some details that made it clear this was Jeongin's room now, starting from the comics on the shelves.

‘I don't have to stay, Jeongin. I know Felix made it sound like that because-’

‘You think I don't know Felix?’ asked Jeongin, amused, interrupting him. ‘I know what he was doing.’ He shrugged and looked away as he mumbled, ‘I wanted you to stay either way.’

‘The heater really is broken at Chan's, you know.’

‘That I do believe,’ said Jeongin with a shrug. ‘Have you ever been there?’

Seungmin shook his head as he kept looking around. Jeongin was sitting on the bed, already wearing different clothes to sleep in.

‘It's not great,’ said Jeongin.

‘So I made the right choice.’ Jeongin shrugged. ‘Thank you for asking me to stay.’

‘It’s not that big of a deal. It's not like we haven't shared a bed before,’ said Jeongin under his breath. ‘Do you need something to sleep in?’

‘I have everything in my backpack,’ said Seungmin, shaking his head. ‘I'll go change in the bathroom.’

‘End of the hall.’

The air felt different. A bit heavier. A bit more tense. A bit more awkward. Seungmin looked at himself in the mirror, taking a few breaths. It felt like he was back to being a teenager, nervous at the thought of touching another boy’s hand. He splashed some cold water on his face and went back to the room. Jeongin was already lying down on the bed against the wall, looking at his phone quietly.

‘Do I turn off the light?’

All Seungmin got from Jeongin was a slight hum, so he turned off the light and lay in bed next to Jeongin. His body's heat felt suffocating. Seungmin stared at the ceiling quietly. He eventually turned to his side to look at Jeongin, who laughed after a few seconds.

‘What?’ asked Jeongin, letting his phone down.

‘Nothing,’ mumbled Seungmin.

He wanted to tell him how beautiful he had grown to become. He had always been beautiful to Seungmin's eyes. But this wasn't the small, shy boy he had known. He was grateful that he finally got to see him. Jeongin eventually turned to Seungmin, and they were facing each other in silence. In another life, Seungmin would've reached to kiss him. But it wasn't fair.

‘I told you I dated someone... Did you?’

‘Date someone?’

Seungmin nodded quietly.

‘Nah,’ answered Jeongin. ‘Not in a 'you're the only person ever for me' type of way. I just... Didn't connect with people. I guess there was this girl in senior year. She was my friend, and I could tell she liked me, so I tried, but... Yeah, no.’

‘I'm sorry,’ said Seungmin softly because he truly was. The selfish part of him had always wanted to be the only one for Jeongin. But there was also a part of him that had wished nothing but good for Jeongin. When he fell in love with Nathan, he couldn't help but wish Jeongin would find the same thing - the same safeness, the same love.

‘It's totally okay,’ said Jeongin. ‘I don't mind, the whole being alone thing. Seems exhausting to be in a relationship.’

Seungmin smiled. ‘It is,’ he said. ‘But when it’s right, it's also really amazing.’

‘Yeah, I can imagine.’

He said those words, looking Seungmin straight in the eyes, but after a moment of silence, he looked away and turned to lie on his back.

‘Did you date anyone other than…’ He paused for a second. ‘Nathan, was it?’

Seungmin nodded. ‘Yeah, Nathan,’ he affirmed. ‘But no, not really. I mean, I had some flings with some guys before him, but he was my only, like, real boyfriend, if you will. No one since him.’

‘Body count one then I assume,’ said Jeongin, clearly in a mocking tone.

Seungmin laughed. ‘Well, no, a bit higher.’

‘How slutty of you,’ said Jeongin, faking a dramatic gasp.

‘At least I'm not a prude.’

‘It's called asexuality, you asshole,’ said Jeongin, punching Seungmin on the shoulder.

Seungmin pressed his lips together, trying to hold back something from inside him. ‘So it's official?’ he asked eventually.

‘Yeah, they give you an official asexual card and everything. Wanna see it?’ said Jeongin, taking his ironic tone. ‘It’s laminated and everything.’

Seungmin laughed. ‘That's alright, I believe you.’

‘I tried,’ said Jeongin after a moment. ‘But... Not for me.’

‘I'm sorry you felt like you had to try,’ whispered Seungmin.

Jeongin seemed to take a moment to take in his words until he nodded slowly. ‘Thank you for saying that.’

‘It doesn't mean it's out of the cards for you… The relationship part.’

‘Makes it harder.’

‘Well, technically softer.’

Jeongin rolled his eyes. ‘Please, shut up.’ 

Seungmin laughed. He wanted to grab his face, he wanted to kiss him, press their lips together, and make all the years in between fade away. He wanted to tell him he wouldn't mind. He wouldn't even mind never kissing him if he didn't want to. He wanted to tell him that it wouldn’t feel like a sacrifice for him. He wanted to tell him all the things they had never been able to put into words when they were teens.

But Seungmin didn't say those things that way. He said them with different words.

‘Can I say something crazy and you go along with me for just one second?’ asked Seungmin softly.

Jeongin nodded. ‘Sure.’

‘Come back with me.’

Jeongin blinked, and a nervous smile broke out on his lips. ‘W-What?’

‘You would love New York.’

‘Seungmin-’

‘You really would! And listen, I have a roommate right now, but he's looking into moving in with his girlfriend, so we totally could find our own place, or you could take on his room. And there are so many comic stores there, you would love it! I could find you a job. And my friends would love you. We could go to the movies, and there are so many concerts we could do together, and I could bring you to a baseball game too!’

‘Seungmin…’ said Jeongin.

Seungmin smiled to hide the pain in his eyes. ‘I told you to be crazy for a second with me.’

Jeongin stayed quiet and nodded. ‘That sounds lovely. It sounds like another life, though.’

‘I know,’ said Seungmin, trying his best to keep his voice from wavering.

‘I want to finish college.’

‘You only have one semester left, you could come afterwards.’

‘I have my whole life here. My job, my friends,...’

‘My friends are great, you would love them.’

‘But they're your friends, Seungmin. It's your life. Why don't you come here? You actually have friends here.’

Seungmin pressed his lips. ‘You know I can't.’

‘I do know,’ said Jeongin. ‘Just like you know I can't leave.’

Seungmin turned to the ceiling and nodded. ‘I know,’ he whispered. ‘Told you to be crazy for a second, that's all.’

‘You're clearly the crazy one if you think I haven't considered this a billion times in the past six years, Seungmin.’ Seungmin turned his face to him. ‘But I just can't.’

Seungmin nodded and reached for Jeongin's face. Jeongin let him. He let the fingers rest on his cheek. He closed his eyes, and the light reflected on the tears rolling down his cheek.

‘I know... I know you're someone who stays, I guess I wish you would stay with me.’ He pressed his lips. ‘It would've been great though, don't you think?’

‘The greatest,’ said Jeongin, opening his eyes. ‘But we can't act like the past 6 years didn't happen. We can't just... Pick it up. I don't know you and you don't know me anymore.’

Seungmin smiled. ‘I don't think anyone knows me better than you.’

‘Well, that’s a lie. For starters, Felix does.’

Seungmin laughed. ‘Well, yes.’

Jeongin smiled slightly. ‘Is DAY6 still your favorite band?’

Seungmin nodded. He had seen them again in concert several times. One time with Nathan. They had kissed at the concert. Seungmin thought it would heal the wound that had been left by not being able to kiss Jeongin at the concert. It didn't. It had never felt the same.

‘Always. You still owe me that piano-guitar duet. I'm a bit late, though.’

Jeongin shook his head. ‘Never.’

7h36

Minho got woken up by the sound of the keys turning on the lock, by the door opening, by Changbin and Hyunwoo stumbling into the living room. Minho didn't open his eyes, still feeling the weight of exhaustion and alcohol on him. He did hear them laugh, whispering things like "I love you,” “be careful,” “we'll wake them up," kissing, and finally leaving for their room. It was only then that Minho opened his eyes. 

The living room was still in the dark. Next to him, Jisung was drooling on the pillow, and on the other side, Hyunjin lay on the couch with his arm hanging and falling into the air mattress. Unlike Jisung, who could sleep through a thunderstorm, Hyunjin was starting to mumble and eventually opened his red-shot eyes. They opened wider when they met Minho's eyes.

‘Go back to sleep, babe,’ said Minho.

‘What time is it?’ asked Hyunjin with a hoarse voice.

‘Early.’

Hyunjin closed his eyes. ‘Go back to sleep, too, then.’

‘Sure,’ whispered Minho, but he didn't. He grabbed his phone, answered messages and pending emails, all while Jisung moved next to him and the sun rose.

Once it was bright enough, Minho sat up on the mattress, careful not to move around Jisung too much. Unfortunately, it did wake up Hyunjin again.

‘Where are you going?’ he mumbled, eyes closed.

‘I'm gonna do breakfast,’ answered Minho. ‘I'm hungry. What do you want?’

Hyunjin hummed. ‘Pancakes.’

‘I'll check if they have everything,’ said Minho. ‘Go back to sleep for now. I'll wake you up when it's ready.’

Minho got up and headed first to the bathroom, where he found empty beer bottles, then brought them back to the kitchen to put with the rest of the empty bottles. Once he was back, Hyunjin had moved to take over his place on the air mattress and was now completely wrapped around Jisung's body. It was a pretty view, but Minho focused his attention on making the pancake batter. He tried not to make too much noise, but he struggled when reaching for the bowls. He was almost done making the batter when a door cracked open and then closed. Minho looked up and found Seungmin in front of him - messy hair, sleepy eyes.

‘Oh,’ said Seungmin instantly. Minho knew he regretted getting up when he was the only one up. Minho wished he would just go back to Jeongin's room and wait for him. ‘Hi.’

‘Good morning,’ said Minho. ‘Want pancakes?’

Seungmin blinked. ‘Yeah, sure.’ He approached to sit at the bar and then looked back at the sleeping bodies of Hyunjin and Jisung. ‘They're still asleep?’

Minho didn't answer, he simply hummed as he finished mixing the batter.

‘Jeongin too,’ added Seungmin. ‘Changbin and Hyunwoo woke me up. I wasn’t able to go back to sleep after that.’

‘Me too,’ said Minho softly.

‘Do you need any help?’

‘I'm good,’ said Minho. It came out more dry than he intended to, but it was too early in the morning to care about what Seungmin would think about him.

‘Hyunjin told me you don't work at the bar anymore,’ said Seungmin.

‘I don't,’ answered Minho softly, finally setting the batter down. ‘I got a TA job while I finish my master's.’

‘Me too,’ whispered Seungmin.

‘How many pancakes do you want?’ asked Minho after a moment, once he had heated the pan.

‘Two, please,’ said Seungmin with a small smile. Minho did as indicated. ‘Felix told me about your association. That's very cool.’

Minho nodded slowly. ‘Yeah, we're trying to build it up to actually do things and help people, I guess. The friend who is doing it with me is studying to become a lawyer, and I want to specialize in queer youth for my PhD, so hopefully we can actually do stuff with it.’

Minho flipped the pancakes.

‘I would've loved to have something like that when I was younger.’

‘Me too,’ whispered Minho, but he knew now that he could never truly relate to Seungmin’s experience. 

Coming from a small town, Minho had struggled even before he realized his sexuality. He struggled even more when he watched his so-called friends leave him behind. But his parents had always been there, and they were still there for him - more than Minho had expected. They spent summers at the beach, and his parents were always willing to travel wherever they decided to spend the holidays, if their work and the money allowed. His parents gave him more love than he ever thought he deserved.

But Minho did know disappointment. He had grown up thinking that once he got to Seoul, things would be different. He would be out of his town, he would be out, he would be able to be free. Things weren't as easy. They were easier than back in his town, but still difficult. Minho was disillusioned, and if it hadn't been for Felix and Sohee, he would've stayed there, drowning in his cynicism. Instead, Sohee told him about associations, Felix went with him and heard about every single one of his complaints, until Minho realized he didn't want to wait for change or continue to run. He wanted to try. This was him trying.

‘This is so good,’ said Seungmin, a mouthful of pancakes.

Minho smiled. ‘Thanks.’

‘If this whole therapist, activist situation doesn't work out, you can open a restaurant.’

Minho chuckled.

‘That's what I say.’

Minho looked up to see that Hyunjin was now up. His hoodie covered his messed-up hair, but it didn’t hide how tired he looked. Minho couldn't help his smile. Hyunjin sat down at the counter. Minho made him pancakes without even asking how many he wanted, and he finally made some for himself before using the rest of the batter to make pancakes he left on a separate plate for everyone to pick up when they were ready. The next person to wake up was Jeongin. He came into the living room with a soft "hey," and Minho watched as Hyunjin watched Seungmin's reaction, while all Seungmin could see was Jeongin. He smiled to himself but didn't say anything. Instead, he put some pancakes on a plate and put them in front of Jeongin. Jeongin gave him a small smile as a thank you.

‘Are you planning on doing something today?’ asked Minho. ‘Just to know how much food I need to make for lunch.’

Jeongin and Seungmin exchanged a look, letting Minho know they hadn't talked about it. 

‘I need to go back home and pack,’ said Seungmin. ‘So I can't stay long.’

Minho nodded and then turned to Jeongin. If they weren't having this conversation, maybe he had to force them to.

‘What about you?’ he asked Jeongin. ‘You're going with him?’

Jeongin blinked, panicked. He looked at Seungmin and then back at Minho. But before he could mumble anything, Seungmin talked first. ‘Do you want to? I mean, I'll just be packing, there's not much to it but... Lix is going to the airport, he can bring you back.’

Jeongin looked at Seungmin. ‘S-Sure…’ He paused and looked away with a snort. ‘I'm sure your dad is going to love seeing me.’

Seungmin laughed, and Hyunjin frowned, clearly confused or bothered by what seemed to be an inner joke. Minho didn't know anything about Seungmin's dad. He had seen him once, he knew that for a fact, but he would never recognize him if he had to.

Minho noticed Jisung sitting up on the mattress and rubbing his eyes with a groan. It caught Hyunjin's attention immediately as he turned around.

‘Hey, sleeping beauty.’

Jisung frowned. ‘I get I'm beautiful, but can you say it less loudly?’

Hyunjin laughed while Minho was busy putting pancakes on another plate for Jisung. He grabbed the maple syrup and went to sit with him. He had that look in his face - his hungover face. Jisung got up enough to sit on the couch and devoured everything on his plate while Minho sat next to him, trying to ignore the weight of Hyunjin being with Seungmin and Jeongin.

Minho didn't run anymore. He did wonder if Hyunjin didn't want to run himself. He did wonder if he wouldn't be happier somewhere else. Minho never said it out loud. He didn't want to imply things, give Hyunjin reasons to doubt or leave, or give Jisung reasons to worry. But the spark in Hyunjin's eyes was gone most days now, and it was in short moments that he saw it again.

‘You okay?’ asked Jisung, mouthful.

Minho turned to him and smiled, amused, before nodding. ‘All good.’

Jisung turned on the television to watch an episode of the anime he had been watching, while Jeongin insisted on cleaning the dishes: the plates they had used for breakfast, the utensils Minho had used to make the batter, and some of the glasses they had used. And while Jisung watched anime, Minho watched Seungmin tease Jeongin, laugh with him, and fight over who would do the dishes. Hyunjin eventually walked to the couch and sat next to him. He remained quiet and lost in his thoughts, so Minho put his hand on his thigh quietly.

‘Don't worry about it, Hyunjin,’ said Jisung eventually.

Jisung was still eating, but he turned to him, reached for his hand, and squeezed it.

‘He has to live at some point,’ said Jisung in a shrug. ‘He'll be alright.’

Jisung let go of Hyunjin and sat back in his place on the couch, and focused again on the anime. Hyunjin didn't seem completely convinced, but he relaxed a little and leaned on Minho's shoulders. They tried to ignore the laughs from the kitchen until Jeongin and Seungmin went back to the room. 

‘I do have a question, though,’ asked Jisung, clearing his throat. ‘When the fuck did they start talking again?’

Minho smiled, amused, while Hyunjin answered. ‘Some time between you having shots with Hyunwoo, forcing Minho to sing with you, and passing out on the couch.’

Jisung laughed. ‘Well, it was a good party.’

Minho ran his fingers through Jisung's hair softly, while still holding onto Hyunjin. It felt selfish sometimes, to have both the best people he knew, to be this happy. But he stopped feeling guilty a long time ago, when he realized the world was already doing a lot to make him feel like it was wrong, and he didn't need something else driving him away from his own happiness. This was theirs. This was right. It wasn't perfect, but it was perfect for them.

‘Wait, what season is this?’ asked Hyunjin suddenly, lifting his head.

‘Season two,’ said Jisung under his breath.

‘Are you serious!? I'm on season one, these are spoilers!’ said Hyunjin, getting up from the couch and standing in front of Jisung. 

Jisung started laughing nervously and then spoke quickly, as he usually did when arguing.

‘If we think rationally, is it really my fault you're behind on stuff? You're the one who started watching anime late!’

But Jisung's arguments didn't help his cause because Hyunjin had already thrown himself on top of him and was messing with his hair to annoy him while Jisung laughed loudly. Minho would tell them to be quiet out of respect for Changbin, but the sight was too funny to him. Eventually, Hyunjin stopped but remained on top of Jisung, and Jisung threw his head back.

‘You're an idiot, Han Jisung.’

‘You love me like this,’ said Jisung with a smile, and he puckered his lips.

Hyunjin rolled his eyes and gave him a peck before standing up again.

‘I'm gonna take a shower so you can finish the episode, but we're switching afterwards,’ said Hyunjin.

‘Got it, honey,’ said Jisung, putting on a sweet voice, and rearranging his hair before leaning on Minho and grabbing his hand, intertwining their fingers.

‘I also love you like this,’ whispered Minho.

Jisung lifted his head and looked at Minho before leaving a peck on his lips. He then leaned his head again on his shoulders, but curling up closer this time.

Yes. This was perfect.

17h39

Seungmin's house was just as Jeongin remembered it. But he noticed some small changes. The kids' toys had been replaced with books and plates left unwashed. The pictures didn't feature only small kids anymore, either; they were grown, teenagers, but those pictures still didn't feature Seungmin. 

The biggest change was Seungmin’s room. It had never been fully his, but now it was an anonymous room. Nothing about this room reminded him of Seungmin. It made sense when Seungmin explained they had turned the room into a guest room. It still didn’t make it less strange in Jeongin’s mind.

It didn’t take long for Seungmin to pack - his suitcase wasn’t big, he hadn’t brought that many things with him, and he wasn’t bringing many things back with him either. Jeongin noticed some ramen packs that Seungmin argued he could never find in New York. He filled the empty spots with some sweets, and Jeongin watched him. He watched him pack his clothes, the food, the books he had brought, and everything else in the room, because Seungmin didn't leave anything behind in this room or in this house. Seungmin packed up his entire life because he never had the intention of coming back. This had never been his house, Jeongin knew, and it had much less been a home - it was just hitting him that despite how idiotic it was for Seungmin to ask him to go, it was just as idiotic to ask him to stay. Jeongin didn't want that for him. He wanted his happiness. He had been robbed of it for too long.

And yet, he was on the floor next to Seungmin, back to the bed, hoping Seungmin wouldn't ask him to go with him again. He didn't know if he would be able to say no a second time.

‘Ok, all done,’ said Seungmin, closing his suitcase and letting out a long sigh, sitting on the floor. He looked up at Jeongin. ‘Sorry, the bus and this... Not great activities.’

Jeongin shook his head. ‘Never been big on activities.’

Seungmin smiled, amused, and nodded before he moved to sit right next to him and threw his head back on the bed. Jeongin stared at the suitcase quietly, not noticing how Seungmin looked at him.

‘Thank you for seeing me, Jeongin.’

Jeongin turned to Seungmin and chuckled. ‘Didn't really have a choice.’ Seungmin smiled. ‘But I'm glad you showed up.’

‘Me too. It was really great to see you again.’ Seungmin pressed his lips together. ‘I'm sorry I left the way I did. Without saying goodbye.’

‘You did what you had to do,’ whispered Jeongin. ‘I get it, I really do. I'm glad you picked yourself for once. It all turned out well anyway, right? For both of us?’

‘Right,’ whispered Seungmin.

Jeongin was happy. He was in the best place he had ever been. It had its ups and downs, but he knew in his gut that it would never get as bad as it once had been. He could ask for help now. He knew he didn’t have to be alone now. He had friends and goals. He didn't need romantic love. He didn't need a relationship. But it did sting to realize he needed Seungmin and that he could never have him back. There had never been another ending for them.

Seungmin didn't belong here. Jeongin didn't belong there.

There was a long silence, and Jeongin suddenly felt Seungmin's hand on top of his.

‘I went to London a few years back,’ said Seungmin suddenly.

‘Yeah?’ asked Jeongin, avoiding looking up because he was scared of crying. ‘With Nathan?’

Seungmin snorted. ‘Well, yeah, sorry.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Anyway, we went to the London Eye. I thought of you.’

Jeongin frowned. ‘Why?’

Seungmin shrugged. ‘Think of you every time I see a Ferris wheel.’

‘It's not really a Ferris wheel.’

‘Well, still… Same principle… You would like it. I hope you get to go one day, even if it's just to travel.’

Jeongin smiled slightly. ‘Seems like you thought a lot about me.’

‘I did,’ said Seungmin quietly. ‘I could never forget you. I mean, you were like… The first person I ever fell in love with. First loves leave a mark, I guess.’

Jeongin nodded slowly, feeling the tears roll down his cheeks. He couldn't help but sniff, as quietly as he could.

‘You okay?’ asked Seungmin.

Jeongin lifted his head and nodded. ‘Y-Yeah, I just…’ He laughed slightly at himself. ‘I just always thought, for some stupid reason, in the back of my mind, that if I ever saw you again…’

He stopped himself by pressing his lips together and not letting the words out. He couldn't erase the past six years, but he couldn't erase the way Seungmin made him feel, either.

‘We would make it work?’ asked Seungmin, completing the sentence, and Jeongin nodded, finally finding the courage to look back at him.

Seungmin nodded along with him. ‘I know... Me too.’

Jeongin knew there was no reality in which Seungmin would’ve stayed. No matter what, Seungmin would’ve left. Maybe they would’ve kept in touch for some time, but then the messages would’ve been fewer, the conversations more shallow, and Seungmin would’ve eventually met someone who could be everything he had ever wanted. No matter what, they would’ve always turned into a memory.

Jeongin knew that the problems were always there. Jeongin knew that they were never meant to work. Seungmin used to be too hurt. Jeongin used to be too lost.

But he still had that false hope deep down. He felt it fade away. Because they would never be what they used to be. It was probably for the best, Jeongin thought, but it didn't make it hurt any less.

Jeongin leaned his head on Seungmin's shoulder, and Seungmin also put his head slightly on top of him. They had never been good at words, so they didn't say anything else.

Seungmin's dad came knocking at the closed door not long after. He remembered Jeongin's name, he noticed he had gotten taller, and he didn't say anything about the closed door. Jeongin watched Seungmin say goodbye to his siblings, and he got into the backseat of the car - a different one, of course. Jeongin wished the drive had taken forever. Even if he didn't speak, even if he was just watching Seungmin talk to his father, his face lit up by the stop signs, he looked beautiful. He wished he could stop time. Just for a moment. Keep him. Just for a moment. Even if he wasn't his to keep.

They met Felix and Chan at the airport so they could properly say goodbye. Jeongin felt sorry he had taken Seungmin away from Felix, so he watched as they hugged, promising to see each other soon. Jeongin didn't hug Seungmin. They had never been into hugs. Jeongin wished he had kissed him at some point during the day, but there was no use for it. Jeongin had already forgotten the touch of his lips. It was for the best that the memory wasn't revived. So they waved at each other, smiled at each other, and Seungmin walked away. Jeongin didn't realize until then how lucky he had been not to have watched him leave the first time. It turned out it burned worse than hell.

Jeongin found himself back in the backseat of another car, Chan's this time. Felix kept looking back at him, but Jeongin didn't acknowledge it as he leaned his head on the window and watched the lights quietly. It was still snowing. 

Chan suggested taking him out to eat, Jeongin said no. He went up the stairs like he did every single day, and he opened the door of Changbin's apartment like he did every single day, but every single day didn't hurt as much as this day did.

He found Minho, Hyunjin, and Jisung sitting on the couch, watching a movie while eating popcorn. They looked at him, expectant. Jeongin wasn't so sure what they expected from him. Seungmin had left. There would've never been another solution. So Jeongin heard himself say, "I'm gonna go sleep," and he went to lie on his bed, not realizing he hadn't taken off all the clothes he was wearing.

The knock at the door seemed to clear some of the fog, but he didn't have it in him to say anything, except a soft hum. He expected Hyunjin or Jisung, even though he didn't feel like talking to either of them, but instead, he got Minho, who closed the door quietly behind him.

‘Hey... Need me to call your therapist?’

‘It's okay,’ said Jeongin. ‘It's a holiday.’

‘Need me to call Changbin?’

‘It's his anniversary. You shouldn't.’

‘We still could.’

‘I just want to sleep, Minho. I'm tired.’

‘Okay. But you should take your clothes off.’

Jeongin didn't have it in him to argue, so he slowly took off his gloves first, then his beanie, and eventually struggled to take off his coat and then his sweater. Minho grabbed the clothes and left the room, switching off the light, and Jeongin found himself finally alone and in the dark.

Jeongin wasn't too sure how much time he spent crying. When he woke up the next morning, he was pretty sure his body had given out way before his eyes did, and his head was killing him. But he didn't have it in him to get up for a glass of water, so he let his body shut off once again. He was woken up a second time by Minho, who brought him water and some food, which Jeongin took. Jeongin liked Minho in moments like this. He was quiet. He just said what was necessary. He didn't try to fix his life.

‘Why are you still here?’ asked Jeongin once he had eaten a first mouthful of soup.

Minho shrugged. ‘The kitchen is nice here. We'll leave as soon as Changbin is back.’

Minho sat in silence with him until Jeongin finished the soup. Before he went out the door, Minho turned to him.

‘Should we be worried, Jeongin?’

Jeongin shook his head. ‘I just... Want to sleep right now.’

And he did some more. It helped. Lying in bed, sleeping, and letting his brain heal on its own. It's only on the third time he woke up, later that day, that he checked his phone. He had a few messages from Felix, a few from Changbin, and a few from his college group chat, but he was more curious about the unknown number. It didn't have the same area code as Korean numbers either. Jeongin opened the message. And he smiled.

SEUNGMIN
Hey it’s Seungmin
Got your number from Felix hope that's okay
Just letting you know I got to New York safely
Thank you for yesterday
I miss you already