Archive of Our Own ^beta

It all started with a statement.

A simple fact that he had forced himself to ignore, too afraid of everything that could go wrong if he did. It was easier to stay on his side of the line. If he did, there was no chance of anyone getting hurt because of him and his life. Someone. As if that word could sum up everything he felt. A statement that should have been the easiest fucking thing in the world to say back, but instead it left him swirling with thoughts and emotions.

“I love you.” 

As if everything was that easy.

It never was.

Instead he was left in an empty world, bare of anything that could resemble a life. The only thing left being him, his brother, and their kid.

And Chuck.

So he tried to do what he could, but what hope was there left when no one could be there to know about it. What beliefs could he have when everything he believed in had been turned to ashes?

They did what they had to do until everything became right again, the world wasn’t empty anymore.

But his world was.

He played his part and put on a happy façade that included his brother, his dog, and the world.

When his time finally came, he wasn’t sad about it. He cried because he would leave Sammy behind, but there was nothing left for him there, no reason to keep fighting when all he wanted to do was take a nap and not wake up. No one needed him to save the world, no one was still there that needed him.

Maybe that was a sad though, but he always knew his brother would be fine without him. Hell, he was probably better without him. Because if Dean had never shown up in his apartment that night, maybe Sam would never had gone back in the life the way he did. All that pain and destruction that came along with the simple goal of finding their father.

A simple: “Tell me it’s okay,” because he never could have done it without knowing for certain that it was.

After everything, he still wasn’t completely convinced that he wouldn’t just go straight back to Hell, but it was a relief when the torture didn’t start as soon as he was aware of the change that had happened. He was relieved there would never be an option where he could become that thing again.

“It’s the heaven you deserve.” And if that didn’t make his day, nothing would. But nothing was the same, it never would be as long as he didn’t have his family with him. Team Free Will 2.0. He could only wonder when they would finally be reunited again.

Bobby said that Cas had helped, but Dean honestly didn’t know what the man meant by that. Was it Cas’ beliefs that made Jack change heaven? But what if it wasn’t, what if Jack did something, what if he brought Cas ba-.

He had to stop himself before he got his hopes up. Nothing was ever that easy. But didn’t he owe it to the man, angel, in question to find out the answer? Yes, he did.

So how did Dean Winchester spend his time in heaven?

Driving on the fucking road instead of dealing with his problems.

Apparently he couldn’t even be the man Cas believed he was even when he was dead.

***

Time in Heaven, just like in Hell, obviously didn’t pass the same way it did on Earth, because then it wouldn’t have been only a continuously sunny week or ten until he felt the pull. And without even questioning it, he went to the place where he knew Sammy would arrive.

And arrive he did.

It wasn’t anything spectacular, like when he came back from Hell when Sammy hugged him so hard he was afraid neither of them would be able to let go. It was a simple: “Heya Sammy”, “Dean”. And then they were hugging. Nothing they hadn’t done before.

But everything was different. Sammy wasn’t just his kid brother anymore, the way he held himself and the way he spoke told him that this soul didn’t belong to his almost-forty-year-old brother, this soul belonged to a man who had lived his life.

And yet he didn’t look any different from the last time they saw each other. Every soul in Heaven either looked like what they knew were deep inside, in the way his father didn’t look as old as the last time they had seen each other, or they looked the same as when they died, like Bobby or Dean, or some old man Dean had driven by only a few days ago.

Which meant that beneath every happy moment Sam should have had in his long life with Eileen, a part of him had never moved past Deans death, a thought that was as heartbreaking as it was it was joyful. Because no matter how long Sam lived without Dean, he would never be the same as when he was with his brother, his life had never been the same.

So their trip back to Eileens house, who only died a few years before Sam apparently, was spent catching up on everything that had happened in Sams life in the years post-brother. And damn if it wasn’t a good one. It was everything Dean had wanted Sam to have, and everything that Sam dreamed to have, even if he had never said it out loud before this moment.

But when all was said and done, Sam went into his house where Eileen was waiting for him (because he didn’t need Dean anymore, not like Dean needed Sam in the way he would never tell his brother), and Dean continued driving further down the road until he came to a small cabin that just felt like his. But for now he ignored the cabin, instead he parked the Impala in the driveway and climbed out, walking to the door that didn’t feel like his, but one he just knew was his.

A very familiar door.

It was the door to his home. It was the Bunker's door (and the whole outside of the bunker too for that matter, but only if you focused on it. Probably something about the weird physics in Heaven), the one place that would always be home to him.

Walking down the spiraled stars was like going a trip through nostalgia, even though it felt like a few months had passed for him in heaven, he just knew that it had been many years since he had last seen it. Everything was like he had left it, even his half-made bed and the dishes that he left in the sink before the hunt, his last hunt.

And after everything he had seen in his life, nothing would have prepared him for the sound that came from the library, making him look up from where he sat in the war room.

And before he knew it, he had an armful of dog and a wet tongue licking his face.

He wrapped his arm around the animal in an instant, and the smell was so familiar it made his eyes water. Even Miracle was here with him.

Dean let out a low chuckle as the dog finally settled with just being petted and rubbing his face along his owner’s cheek, “I guess all dogs really do go to Heaven, huh?”

***

When night finally decided to fall, he was hesitant to leave Bunker, but once he realized that he could come whenever he wanted with the door in his backyard it wasn’t so hard to go inside the cabin with Miracle at his side. It was already filled with furniture, but the best things were the small trinkets he had collected over his life that were left adorning the house. Although he could barely believe his eyes when he saw the amulet laying on his bedside table, and there wasn’t a moment of hesitation before he pulled it on. And it felt so right.

After he changed into an old AC/DC shirt he threw out years ago, which had sadly been one of his favorites, along with a pair of grey sweatpants, he brushed his teeth. Not because he needed to, but because he could. It was something that had become a habit he did not want to part with, not yet anyway.

As he laid down in bed, he couldn’t help his smile when Miracle jumped up and laid in the space beside him. His chest was filled with warmth as he realized that he would never have to part with his dog again.

And for the first time in a long while, he slept peacefully throughout the whole night.

But it wouldn’t last for long.

***

Whatever peace Dean had received when he died, it was gone again in a few weeks. At least while he slept, that is.

His nightmares always started the same, but after each night more and more just added on to it.

It started with heat, flames. Then came knife, sorrow, panic, empty. Then loosing time, fear, Hell. Then pain, pain, ohgodsomuchpain, a voice, a razor, slicing, carving, encouragement. Screams, blood, light, warmth, life. His life continued to pass before him. Life, death, joy, pain, family, love, rage (ragerage somuchrageinhim), Lucifer, Leviathan, Abbadon, the Mark (the fucking mark, hewillneverbefreefromit), himself as a demon, Cain, Amara, The Men of Letters, Mom, Lucifer again, Cas, Jack, Cas dead (againandagainandagain, it never stops), Michael (allies, losing control, losing feeling, ohgodhecan’tbreathehecan'tfuckingbreathe hedoesn’tknowhow HOW DO YOU BREATHE), Chuck (the control he had over everything) and Cas dead again (You changed me Dean, I LOVE YOU, goodbye Dean).

And without even thinking about it, without even being aware of it, he did what he had always done whenever he used to have a nightmare this bad.

He prayed.

“Oh god please, I can’t take this anymore. Please, please, please, pleasepleaseplease. Somebody help me! Please! Cas please save me! Save me! CAS!”

He twisted and grunted in his bed before opening his eyes with such speed it felt like a sucker punch to his head. His breathing evened out with big gulps of air, but it still took him a minute to figure out what it was that seemed out of place.

The lamp beside his bed was on.

He frowned at it for a few seconds, but couldn’t remember leaving it on before he went to bed. He started reaching out with his left hand to turn it off, the hand that wasn’t under his pillow from laying on his side, but before he could reach it a voice interrupted his movements.

“Hello Dean.”

He froze for a second before he sat up, startled like he had been shot.

He stared at the body of a man sitting before him on his bed, everything was the same as the last time they saw each other. The same hair, the same eyes (godthoseeyes) and of course the trench coat that had barely left the body.

“Cas?”

His voice was quivering with emotion, sadness, joy, utter disbelief. But none of that seemed to matter when he stared at his best friend. His once-dead best friend (but was he really just his best friend anymore?)

A fond smile settled on the angel’s lips. “What were you dreaming about?”

Dean didn’t know what to say, so instead he threw his arms around Castiel’s neck and pulled him in as close as possible, burying his nose just above the collarbone. Tears were already streaming down his face when Cas’ arms circled around his middle and pulled him even closer.

“I thought you were dead.”

One hand carefully rubbed circles on his back.

“I was.”

"Then how-?”

“Bobby wasn’t lying when he said I helped Jack with heaven.”

Dean pulled back to stare into those crystal eyes, the ones that always stared back at him.

“After… after the Empty took me, I was left alone, locked up somewhere I wasn’t able to bother it. But I was kept awake, to be tormented forever with everything I had lost.

Cas let a smile fall on his lips. “But then Jack came, and he negotiated with it. If I was brought back, Jack would heal it and let it sleep for as long as it wanted, if it kept up its duties as safekeeper of the angels and demons there. Once it agreed, I was back out and alive. And then Jack asked for my help in recreating heaven, the way it was meant to be.

Dean felt his hear clench for only a moment. Had Cas changed his mind? Maybe he felt like his sacrifice wasn’t worth it anymore? (Maybe he doesn’t think you’re worth it anymore). But he rid the traitorous thoughts from his mind before they could settle. The smile on Cas’ lips grew when he guided Deans arm down from his shoulder, only for his hand to settle on his shoulder, right where the handprint used to be, right where he left the last one in blood on Dean's jacket.

“I wanted it to be perfect when your time came. When both you and Sam would be here. It’s everything you deserve.”

Dean felt his heart fill with emotion, something he couldn’t really place, but it felt happy, and good, and right. And now there was only one question left in his mind.

“If you were alive, where have you been?” He was afraid the question sounded too much like a complaint, an accusation, the way he sometimes used to question Cas about every little thing he did, even if it was usually for the right intentions.

But Cas only continued to smile. “I wanted to watch over Claire during her time as a hunter, I never wanted her life to end the same way it did for you. She and Kaia are living happily in Heaven now, sometimes she visits her parents but most of the time they live in Jody’s house together with Jody and Alex.

Dean felt happy to hear that, that kid was almost like a daughter to him and she was most likely somewhat of a daughter to Cas.

“Jack and I had just finished sealing one of the gates to Hell when I heard your prayer, and I knew that I couldn’t wait anymore. I had to see you.

Dean’s throat worked to swallow, and it suddenly felt a little harder to breathe. Cas had really wanted to come to him?

“Before I died, I knew what I said wasn’t during the best circumstances, and I’m sorry if-“

“Stop.”

Cas only looked at him owlishly, his mouth hanging opened from being cut off mid-sentence. Dean took a breath to collect his words, knowing he would never have had the courage to speak if he was still alive.

“Did you mean it? What you said, did you mean it?”

Cas looked startled for a moment, clearly not expecting the conversation to turn that way.

“Of course. Every word.”

This time Dean didn’t hesitate.

“Then I love you too.”

Time seemed frozen between them as Cas took in the words. Everything was still, and for a moment Dean could only start to think he had done something wrong before Cas’ lips were on his.

He only made a sharp intake of breath through his nose in surprise before he closed his eyes and kissed the angel back, pulling him closer by gripping his hair to make the angle better, while Cas pulled him in by the hand that was now on his waist and the one gripping his shoulder.

Cas pushed him down on the bed to make the angle even better and blanketed Dean with his body, trench coat and all. Cas moved the hand from his shoulder and let it drift up to the back of his head, pulling at the short strands there and making him groan out from the sensation.

He let his legs spread so Cas could settle between them, but doing so made his foot nudge something on the bed, and a noise of complaint came from the house’s second inhabitant. Cas’ lips left his in surprise and Dean chuckled at his expression. The heat was clearly gone from the moment, but that warm feeling in his chest was still there. He realized now that it was his love for the angel that made him feel that way.

Cas sat back on his feet to look at the small animal that was now standing up on the sheets, clearly no plans of going back to sleep. Dean sat up as well when the dog came to him in search of a good scratch behind his ears.

“Cas, meet Miracle.”

The only way to explain the expression on the angel’s face was awe as he reached out to run his fingers though Miracle’s soft fur.

“Hello Miracle.”

The bark that came in reply made a smile fall on his lips. “Yes, I could imagine nothing else. Dean is a very good man.”

Dean felt his ears burn, before remembering that Cas could speak to animals with an aha! feeling in his mind.

“What did he say?”

Cas’ smile never left his lips as he leaned back in a gave him a quick peck on the lips. “He says he enjoys living with you, very much so. I can only say that I would understand why.”

Dean felt his lips turn up in return, putting hand behind the angel's neck to pull him in and resting their foreheads together, the same way he had done with Sam once.

“Please stay.”

The words were barely above a whisper, but Dean knew that Cas had hear them.

Cas opened his eyes and green met blue as he said, “There is nowhere else I would rather be.”

And now, Dean’s heaven did feel perfect.