Chapter Text
Jeanine walks quickly. It’s dark out and one ever knows when danger might be lurking right around the corner. Her shoes make sharp tapping sounds that notify anyone with ears just how fast she is walking. Many would say that she shouldn’t be out at this time but she believes otherwise. She doesn’t need a man to protect her, she is just fine on her own. She is almost back at the manor, back to her real life. Over the past two years, she has been going out later and later in an attempt to be herself away from the reality of her mundane life. Her mind is too precious to be wasted on the job that she has but nowhere would ever take a woman, especially an unmarried woman.
Jeanine decided that she would never marry at a young age, despite not knowing why the idea brought her so much distress. Everytime the kind teacher at the orphanage would bring up marriage, the hope of Jeanine finding status in the classist society by marrying a high class man. Jeanine didn’t know why, but she would feel somewhat ill every time it was brought up. ‘I don’t need a man,’ she would say. ‘I will find my own way.’ The women used to smile at her like it was the sweetest thing that they have ever heard, like she was an innocent girl that would change her mind one day but that deserved to live in her little fantasy. The men would get angry at her. She would be punished but that never made her stop saying it. Challenging authority, an extremely stupid thing to do but something that Jeanine enjoyed nonetheless.
If only they could see her now. If only they could see her working for one of the richest families in England. She was always bright in school, exceptionally bright, but they still wrote her off. It used to drive her crazy.
She feels the warmth against the small amount of skin that she is allowed to expose as soon as she steps into the grand manor. She sighs quietly and continues through to her room, ignoring the accusing look of one of the housekeepers. She shoots her a look that reminds her that she ranks higher in the staff of the Eaton household and that she should keep her mouth shut. The young woman looks away.
When she shuts her bedroom door, she sinks against it slowly. She feels the coolness of the wood against her arms as her dress sleeves begin to hike up her pale arms. She is beautiful, there is no denying that, but that has only brought her trouble. Men go after her, not upper-class men of course, and they never seem to understand the word ‘no’. The master of the house, Marcus Eaton, is very much among those men. He is completely uninterested in his wife. Now she has given him what he wants, a son, he couldn’t care less about her. He tried to pursue something with Jeanine multiple times but she continued to deny him, saying that it would be inappropriate. It would be.
She begins to get undressed. Oh how she wishes that she had someone to help her with that tiring job. But she has been managing for the past thirty-five years of her life, she can carry on for a little longer. It takes her a short while, but she manages to get into her nightclothes and under the covers off her slightly hard bed soon enough. She takes the book off of her bedside table and opens it. She has to strain her eyes to read the small lettering in the dim candle light provided by the candle on her bedside table.
Jeanine has always found literature interesting. She used to sneak into the small library of the orphanage as a child at night, her orphanage was rather privileged with the resources it had, and read. Occasionally another girl would come with her, her name was Tori. She didn’t enjoy reading like Jeanine did, she was simply rebellious and would look for any excuse to defy authority. Her and Jeanine never really got along. Jeanine would be mad at Tori for how little she appreciated the education that they were so privileged to have, considering their situation in society. Tori thought that Jeanine was deathly boring.
Despite their differences, Jeanine and Tori were exceptionally close at night. Especially the night that led Jeanine to know for sure that she would never marry a man. Jeanine can remember it like it was yesterday. If it was rebellion that Tori was looking for, that was certainly what she got. Tori seemed much more sure of herself than Jeanine, who was incredibly shy as a child despite how often she fought with the male staff, and she seemed fairly indifferent after everything happened. Jeanine went completely in on herself, unsure of what to think about what happened between them. She remembered that it was a sin, that’s what kept going around in her mind, but she also wasn’t too sure about how much she believed in God.
Now, Jeanine is not religious in the slightest. She doesn’t go around telling people that but she isn’t above getting in a scientific debate against religion if she knows that the person she is talking to won’t get her in trouble. For example, she would never say such a thing to Marcus - he would certainly fire her out of concern for her teaching his son such beliefs - but she has had a few conversations about it with his wife.
Evelyn Eaton - she is someone that truly interests Jeanine. There is just something about her that Jeanine can’t quite place. She finds her so interesting and enchanting. Whenever she walks into a room, Jeanine looks at her just a second longer than she looks at anyone else. Whilst Jeanine has had the occasional fling, met with several different women in dark places (that’s why she always goes out so late), she has never felt this way about anyone before.
Tori was an experiment. She still can’t quite believe it happened. Jeanine’s love life feels so odd to her, she is almost detached from it. That’s who she is at night, when no one else is there to judge her. In the day, she is no more than Tobias Eaton’s governess.
That’s when Mrs. Eaton isn’t in the room anyway. She is different, she makes Jeanine remember just how different she is from the rest of society. Because, in those moments they spend together when Marcus is out of the bustling city of London on business - and undoubtedly sleeping with other women, Jeanine wants to kiss her. She wants to know everything about her on a much deeper level. She knows that’s impossible. Evelyn is married and any indication of what Jeanine’s true sexual nature would get her fired, and likely worse, in a second.
She reads for a little while longer before deciding to slip away into a dreamless slumber. She sleeps with her legs tucked into herself and she pulls the covers close to herself in comfort, in an attempt to make herself feel less alone.
She wakes up early the next morning, like every morning, and rubs her eyes to adjust to the light the rising sun is casting over her room. She tries to ignore how tired she feels, she hasn’t had a proper sleep since her parents died, when she slips out of the covers and steps into her soft slippers. She yawns quietly and walks over to her small wardrobe.
“Okay,” she mutters. “Another day of acting completely normal and like I really want to be around a child.”
Jeanine doesn’t like children. She has never wanted them, another thing that she knew from a young age that set her apart from the other girls she knew. They would all dream about a husband and children whilst Jeanine would dream of becoming a successful scientist. Of course, the other girl’s dreams were actually attainable if they could make it through the cold winters.
Jeanine got awfully sick once, they all thought she would die and Jeanine remembers being oddly at peace. The idea of death didn’t scare her. She thought it would, especially since it was the winter of the year that her and Tori had committed sinful acts together in the library. She thought that maybe this was her punishment when she first fell ill. She thought that she would die and Satan would be waiting for her. But, when she came closer to death, she stopped being afraid. It didn’t matter to her anymore. How was she going to get anywhere in life anyway? She thought that, maybe, it was what was for the best.
She never died. She felt empty when she recovered, almost upset that death didn’t take her that winter. She was upset that it didn’t take her like the sweet seven year old beside her in the hospital wing. How the other girls mourned for her, such an innocent soul taken so young. She deserved better. It should have been Jeanine. That’s all she kept telling herself. ‘It should have been you!’ Jeanine’s thoughts screamed time and time again.
But it wasn’t her. It simply wasn’t and there was nothing that she could do about that. She was alive and the young brunette was dead. That’s just life. Jeanine came to accept that quickly: life is harsh and it’s best not to question it. Jeanine questions almost everything, but there are some things that she simply refuses to question. Like why she is the way she is. She has decided not to think about it. At first, the plan was to repress it, like she had done unknowingly all those years before she had her first sexual encounter with Tori Wu, but that changed with time. She found this place, stumbled across it as though it was fate, and decided to no longer repress it. Instead, she can live two lives. A real one and a fake one. A dangerous one and a safe one. It works. It would work so much better if it wasn’t for Evelyn.
She gets dressed and gets ready to face the day. She has to take Tobias into town today, he has a suit fitting. The boy is only six, he will be a nightmare to keep still, but Marcus is throwing a ball soon and he keeps saying how his son must look nothing less than perfect. Jeanine’s parents were a bit like that, but Jeanine doesn’t remember them too well. They were cruelly taken from her when she was far too young.
Jeanine walks to Tobias’ room and knocks on the door gently. “Master Eaton, are you ready?”
The door wings open to reveal a cross looking Tobias. “I told you to call me Tobias,” he snaps.
“Sorry,” Jeanine apologises. She always has to apologise. She is but a simple commoner, she is constantly reminded that they are doing her a favour by employing someone with her background, and she must obey her employers. “Are you ready, Tobias?”
“Yes,” he says cheerily. “Are you ready, Jeannie?” Oh, how Jeanine regrets telling Tobias her first name. She should have let him continue to refer to her as ‘Miss Matthews’. But she doesn’t like formality, as much as it offers her a barrier between real human interaction.
“Yes.” She forces a kind smile onto her face. The boy has done nothing wrong, it’s his father that is the problem. It is her job to change how he views people. She will do it, she will try her hardest to make Marcus Eaton’s offspring at least semi-decent.
“Will you have breakfast with me?” he asks, his eyes wide and pleading. He despises eating alone (Marcus always takes his breakfast in bed and Evelyn seems to eat less and less by the day).
“Of course.” Jeanine’s actually incredibly hungry so she is certainly not going to turn up an opportunity to have a lavish breakfast.
They walk to the dining room and they eat in a content silence. Jeanine doesn’t like conversation, she sees little point in it. There is nothing to talk about. She can’t be honest about how she feels. She can’t say anything about her personal views to Tobias. She can’t say anything that hasn’t been approved by his father.
They take the carriage to the tailor. Jeanine sits with her hands in her lap, her blue skirt spread out around her. Tobias sits beside her, sitting up straight.
“Can I ask you a question, Jeannie?” Tobias breaks the silence. He is a talkative boy, that’s why it surprised and pleased Jeanine when they managed to get through breakfast with minimal conversation.
“Of course.” Jeanine can’t help but dread what he is going to ask. He has no filter, her education on etiquette seems to go straight over his head. He has asked her so many questions that she simply cannot answer. She would lose her job if she did.
“If you get married, will you leave? Will I need a new governess?”
Jeanine simply cannot hide her shock at that question. She was bracing herself for a lot, but certainly not for a question such as that. She won’t get married, that’s the simple answer. She won’t get married, he doesn’t have to worry about that. But how would that sound if she told him that?
“I’m getting old, Tobias, I doubt that anyone would want me now.” Yes, that’s a decent enough excuse. It’s the men’s fault, not hers. “I think I missed my chance.”
“Does that upset you?” Trust Tobias to alway ask the hard questions. He cannot let anything go.
“No,” Jeanine says. “I am perfectly content with working with you, Tobias.” It’s true, she is content enough. She has forced herself to be because she knows that there is no other hope for her. Evelyn has assured her another place in the household when Tobias goes off to school. This is her life now. She can’t say that she is too upset, at least she gets to spend those nights with Evelyn. Those nights of hushed discussions that would certainly get them both in trouble.
They arrive at the tailor and Jeanine has to remind Tobias to walk slowly and to stand up straighter. There will be people in there to judge him. Marcus will be angry if anyone has a bad opinion on his son. He will be angry at Jeanine.
“We have an appointment for Eaton,” Jeanine tells the man at the front desk. He looks her up and down, visibly judging her. Jeanine knows what she looks like to other people. She is poor, not the best dressed, people don’t believe that she should be with such an important family. She bites her tongue to stop herself from saying anything.
“Follow me,” the man says. He guides them to a back room where Tobias’ regular tailor waits for them.
He bounces up from his armchair as soon as he sees them. “Ah, my favourite client!” he exclaims. Julien is an eccentric man. He stands out from the crowd. Jeanine has her suspicions about him, believes him to be just like her, but she will never say anything. It could endanger one or both of them.
She is actually correct and, somehow, Julien can sense something about her too. He isn’t quite sure what it is about her, but he just knows. It makes him kinder to her, makes him more sympathetic towards her. He knows how limited her options must be.
“I already know what you are in need of,” Julien informs the both of them. Sometimes, Jeanine wonders why he ever left France. She would rather be anywhere but England but maybe it doesn’t matter where you go, the awful views will follow you everywhere. He was a fashion designer in Paris though. Why would he ever leave that?
There is a rather simple answer to that but Jeanine will never know it. People began to suspect him. Now, here he is.
“That’s great,” Jeanine says. There is a sweet tone to her voice. She always makes herself seem innocent in public. She is an unmarried woman. She should have little knowledge of the world. Then again, she should also be a virgin and she is very far from that.
Jeanine waits outside the curtains as Julien gets to work. Her mind wanders out of boredom and she gets lost in thoughts that she wishes she wasn’t in. Evelyn Eaton keeps popping up in her thoughts, unwilling to leave her alone. She can’t stop thinking about her. Her smile haunts her. She never smiled around Marcus and that eats Jeanine up inside. Evelyn deserves better than him.
They make their way home quick enough, the carriage journey full of Tobias’ nonsensical ramblings. Jeanine zones out for the most part, panicking briefly when he asks her opinion on the subject. She is too busy thinking about the woman that she saw last night, Erin. She sees her a lot, they talk a lot. It’s nice to have someone to talk to that actually understands you. Jeanine can actually be open with her, but she knows that they can only ever whisper such things. She knows that they can never go out to tea and speak of such things in public. They are forced to live their lives in the shadows but it isn’t all so bad.
Erin is married, Jeanine can’t help but be grateful that she isn’t. It’s not that Erin doesn’t like her husband, she really does and that’s why her and Jeanine have never slept together, she just feels so restricted sometimes. She has to be the perfect wife. That’s she spends time with Jeanine, wingwomanning her. She is always trying to find women that may be sapphic, she is quite good at it too, but Jeanine just isn’t interested in more than a couple of nights with them. She is too focussed on Evelyn.
That’s why she can’t stop thinking about Erin, she mentioned Evelyn last night. Erin said that Jeanine always talks about her, and talks about her in a certain way. Jeanine had never realised it before but Erin believes that she is totally in love with her. Maybe she is. It doesn’t matter. They can never be together.
When they get back, Evelyn is actually waiting for them. Jeanine feels her heart rate increase as she walks up the stone stairs and walks towards the doorway, in which stands Evelyn. She walks, one foot in front of the other. She takes a deep breath in an attempt to stop her breathing from becoming erratic. Tobias walks quickly in front of her and goes to his mother’s side. He takes her hand.
Jeanine reaches her next and Evelyn gives her a sweet smile. “Thank you for taking him,” she says. Why would she thank Jeanine for doing her job? What does that mean?
“Of course, ma’am, it is my job.” Jeanine gives her a respectful smile.
“You are very kind to him,” Evelyn says. “That is not necessarily your job.” She walks into the manor, leaving Jeanine stunned before she quickly follows after her. Erin’s right, she is in love with her.