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Hi my name is alexis phoe’nix breach skye lexicsgo and I have long lexicsgo black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like meG (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!!). I’m not related to Keiti Lexicsgo but I wish I was because she’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a witch, and I go to a magic school called Cloud9 in Valorant where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m an initiator main (in case you couldn’t tell) and I play mostly Breach. I love the Cloud9 merch store and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a Cloud9 corset with Cloud9 lace around it and a black Cloud9 miniskirt, Cloud9 fishnets and Cloud9 combat boots. I was wearing blue lipstick, white foundation, blue eyeliner and white eye shadow. I was walking outside around Icebox. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of instalock duelists stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
Then I heard something behind me so I turned around, but dramatically. It was...meL! I started to wave, but then she was hit by a freak op shot from one of the instalock duelists! Gasp!
I ran to her side. “meL you can’t do this to me I’m not a sage main I don’t have rez”
“alexis phoe’nix breach skye lexicsgo...is that you?” meL said. She looked bad, the way that people who have been hit by op shots 150 damage no shields kekw are. “Are you there?”
“yeah”
“alexis,” she said, grabbing alexis’ hand. “I need to tell you something before I die. You know how I always have a ton of money, and 14 c9 shirts and a speaker?”
“Yeah,” alexis said, confused, “but I don’t-”
meL pulled out a glock and put it in alexis’ hand. “I rob banks. I rob banks, then use the money to fund my Unbind Crouch charity. You need to carry on my legacy after I’m dead.”
alexis started to tear up. “meL, no. You’re our IGL. If you die someone else will have to do it, and it’ll be so annoying.”
“Avenge me…” meL said, and died. alexis stared at her.
“damn, that sucks. gotta find a new IGL”
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“@everyone EMERGENCY MEETING” alexis typed in the top secret Cloud9 White discord server™
Jazzykins: what
Keiti: yeah what, I was busy
alexis: mel died
katsumi: oh. huh
Jazzykins: I mean I loved mel but also she was kinda annoying
Annie Dro: yeah mel was annoying
alexis: glad we can all agree mel was annoying as fuck <3
alexis: anyway the real problem is that we need a new igl now. who wants to volunteer?
Keiti: I’m too busy clicking heads to IGL. kat should do it, she’s the controller main
katsumi: whaaaat
Annie Dro: I can get behind that
katsumi: hey wait a second, I don’t know how to IGL
Jazzykins: yeah but the rest of us don’t know how to either
alexis: all in favor of kat as new igl say aye?
katsumi: HEY WAIT NO
Jazzykins: aye
Annie Dro: eye
alexis: come on kat, we’ve literally got the gamechangers main event in a week. it’s bad enough that we have to reshuffle the comp now that mel went and died
katsumi: hhhhhgg. I could...give it a shot, I guess?
alexis: that’s the spirit! also take this google folder of all of mel’s like creepy serial killer notes on us and other teams for strats and shit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udYWafjeWaU
katsumi: okay…😨
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[Spongebob narrator voice] Three Hours Later
Keiti: wait what are we going to say about why mel isn’t playing????
Annie Dro: just tweet that she joined the CIA in order to better kin Cypher or something, idk
Jazzykins: that checks out, I’ve been trying to learn to throw knives to kin jett better.
katsumi: really?
Jazzykins: yeah, I’ve only nearly stabbed myself twice so I think it’s going well
Keiti: Do you really think people will believe that mel joined the CIA?
alexis: sure. might as well tell Cloud9 that she joined the CIA too lmaooooo
alexis: THEY FUCKING BOUGHT IT?
Annie Dro: FUCKING JEBAITED, LET’S GO
———————
alexis phoe’nix breach skye lexicsgo was staring down what could possibly be the final round of their vct game changers tournament run. They had made it to the grand final through kat’s frantic efforts to learn how to IGL, and now at match point, the first ever vct game changers title itself was on the line.
alexis’ dumb teammates had all died, leaving her in a 1v5 clutch situation that completely failed to explain why the narrative had gone from first person perspective, to a social media/group chat format, all the way back to third person. fortunately, alexis did not merely have the clutch genes. she lived in the clutch house in the clutch city in the clutch country. she drank the clutch water and breathed the clutch air. to be Alexis Guarrasi was, simply, to clutch rounds.
awed by her brilliance, the enemy team blinded themselves and accidentally stumbled into perfect formation for alexis to collat them all at the same time, which she did. C9 White took home the W, with Annie Dro being forced to do a post-match interview where she talked about meL’s dearly felt childhood dream to become a CIA agent, and how meL had already been assigned a mission that was so totally secretive that no one could be in contact with her ever.
over the next month, this would go totally unquestioned at the CIA headquarters because everyone was too embarrassed to admit that they did not, in fact, personally know former VALORANT pro C9 meL. meL would go on to become a CIA legend, propagated by all the stories about how everyone had totally met and talked with her that one time.
in the present, mel’s former teammates all gathered around the spot in icebox where she was first struck by a freak op shot from an instalock jett that should have been way less skilled with the op than they claimed to be. they stood there while an unrated valorant game between some rando irons went on in the background.
“Do you feel like there’s some kind of moral to this?” Kat said. “Like she died, but it just brought us closer together so we could win the tournament.”
They all thought about that for a minute.
“nah”
And they went home.
ONE MONTH LATER
“We apologize for the delay in announcing the next agent,” the Riot developer said in the video titled NEW AGENT INFO- MUST WATCH , “but I think you’ll all agree that this agent is nothing like the others that have previously come to VALORANT. Despite that, and despite some...hiccups in their development, we’re all, uh, very excited for their release!”
“We’re honestly not sure how this agent works,” said another Riot developer who looked like they hadn’t slept in weeks. She poured some sugar into a cup of coffee. “I can’t confidently tell you what her abilities are. The code just showed up in the game one day and no one will claim credit for writing it, even though someone must have- “ She knocked back the coffee and drained it with frightening speed, before going to pour another one.
The first Riot developer stared at her for a moment before clearing his throat. “Uh. Yeah. We don’t totally know what her abilities are, but figuring them out will be part of the fun for you guys! Really shake up the meta and all that.” He paused, looking like he was visibly bracing himself. “And now, without further ado, let me announce Agent 16...meL, the dead CIA agent!”
The screen changed to a picture of meL, who immediately turned and glared at the screen. “Alexis, what the fuck did you-“