Chapter Text
It seemed as though there was never a dull moment in the Kawamoto household. Everybody constantly running too and fro, a whirlwind of food, homework, and laughter. There was a special kind of comfort to it all, a warmth Rei had not experienced elsewhere. He was comfortable and genuinely happy in the safe atmosphere of their small living room ever since that first night Akari had taken him home. The painful, crushing pressure of the world could not invade the defenses of Hina's smile, the softness of the cats' fur, and hot meals prepared by endlessly loving hearts. Or at least that is what he had come to believe. Sometimes a particularly dark day would take a while to shake off, but ultimately his heart would swell with happiness and an adoration for sisters who cared for eachother so wholeheartedly, so enthusiastically.
This day in particular had been mediocre, Kyouko had stopped by his apartment unannounced and uninvited the night before, souring his practice time. Something about her always managed to get underneath his skin, an unshakable itch to escape, or to take the harsh words spoken casually. There was a poison in his veins she had injected long ago, snide comments when her parents weren't around, fiery spite, and vitriol fueling an unhealthy desire for self destruction. Rei had always felt like an imposter, even before his shogi skills progressed to the point where he forever damaged his foster family. There were many reasons why he left that house, though maybe he was never welcome in the first place.
Kyouko had gotten into another argument with her father, over who knows what this time, and insisted on crashing at Rei's place. Continually dropping hints that it was Rei's fault, that everything that ever went wrong in that house was his fault, all he ever did was cause damage, and ruin families. He couldn't deny it, a response to her cruelty was like blood in the water, and her teeth never had issues targeting injury to tearing her prey apart. She had torn him up so many times in their childhood he would like to think he knows better, but this time he couldn't stay quiet.
"Bold of you to assume dad should give you anything you want without consequence." The second the words left his mouth he knew it was a mistake, how could it not be.
"Oh, getting all high and mighty now aren't you. Rei. That's what he did for you though isn't it? Cut out the hearts of his own children to raise an imposter who betrayed him too in the end. He wouldn't just consider giving you what you want, he went above and beyond to satisfy you, and your heartlessness. And what did you do, turn around and walk away, leave like a ghost abandoning the empty shell of a house, the empty family you destroyed." He froze, as she advanced, voice dropping to a dangerous whisper. "You don't get to say a single word about what is and is not deserved, because you should have died with the rest of your family." He stopped breathing, most would say she had taken it too far this time, but he knew deep down she was right. It left him feeling numb, because after all these years she finally said what he never had the courage to admit.
His head hung down low, humming in agreement, without meeting her eyes he stepped away. Neither of them spoke as the moonlight reflected by the river washed them in blue dancing light. Rei hummed in agreement again, mulling over the words in his mind, before getting out his futon and preparing to sleep. He couldn't deal with any more, even his plan to make dinner seemed unnecessarily exhausting. Kyouko's cold eyes watched him, his robotic movements only making her angrier. His passive response almost made her regret it, but instead of apologizing she simply rifled through his things until she found the simple t-shirt she always wore on her visits. It was strange how accustomed both of them had become to this acidic relationship. Neither one of them was able to fix what was broken, instead feeding off of each other's responses affirming the suffocating thoughts that so often plagued them. Time stretched on, and in silence they both attempted to sleep, drifting slowly into the night.
Rei was abruptly brought out of his thoughts by Akari's sweet voice. "Rei, Hina, dinner is almost ready. Would you help me prepare the table and get food for the kitties?"
All the cats perked up at the mention of dinner, suddenly becoming laser focused.
"Y-yes of course," Rei stutterd as he and Hina worked quickly to appease the cats before they tried anything dangerous around Akari and the hot stove. Rei was still lost in thought and as they settled around the small table, he didn't even realize what Akari had made until Momo excitedly asked what it was. Rei's eyes focused in shock, oyaki. "They are called oyaki Momo, it's my first time making them, but I thought it would be a fun surprise since they are from Nagano. That's where Rei's family is from."
Family. His mother used to make them when he was young, it was such a comforting warm treat on colder days, when he and his little sister had been stuck inside by rain or other temperamental weather. Pestering their mother as they waited for their father to come home from the hospital. The smell of bread filling their house. The scent was achingly familiar now, he is surprised he didn't recognize it sooner.
You should have died with the rest of your family
The warm memories were quickly stolen away, replaced with words looping in his head. It felt like being splashed in the face with ice water. He couldn't eat this, not this love filled food, he didn't deserve it, didn't belong here, just another imposter, didn't belong anywhere. What was he doing?
His breath caught in his throat, and something tightened in his chest. Everyone was already happily munching away.
"Rei? Are you feeling okay? You look pale." Too kind words from people who gave kindness as if it was as easy as breathing.
He felt dizzy, suddenly overtaken with nausea and panic. "I- sorry I need to get some fresh air." He choked out as he hurriedly got up and went outside, not even taking the time to put on his shoes. They called after him, he didn't want them to worry, but he was sure if he stayed one more second he would be sick.
Once safely outside he crumpled against the side of the house, breaths coming unnaturally fast, trying to stave off the panicked feeling as quickly as possible. Distantly he heard the sound of the door sliding open. Biting down on his lip in an effort to hide how pathetic he was. A soft hand brushed his shoulder, he flinched away. "Rei, I won't touch you if you don't want me to, but you need to breathe. Okay?" Akari was as gentle as ever, and after a moment he nodded shakily. "Try to match your breathing with mine, slow deep breaths, in and out." It seemed to be a monumental task, but after a few tries, his breath catching and stuttering he was able to calm down a little.
"Good good you're doing great, just keep breathing."
He was afraid to lift his head and meet her eyes, this was embarrassing beyond reason. Somewhere along the line tears had begun to stream down his face, and he couldn't get them to stop. The torrent of emotions that had come on so strongly now receded just as fast, leaving him numb and shaky. "Sorry sorry I'm okay, you don't have to stay." His voice betrayed him by cracking halfway through. Of course he wasn't okay, but this was beyond humiliating, and despite wanting comfort he still insisted on dealing with it alone.
Akari's heart broke seeing him in this state was heart wrenching. "It's nice out here this evening," She said softly, sitting beside him on the ground. Despite what he said she wasn't going to leave him alone right now, and if they had to sit here all evening she would.
Rei just hummed, head still hidden between his knees. It had been a long time since he was gripped with such overwhelming panic, and it scared him. If something as simple as food could do this much damage he was in trouble.
After at least fifteen minutes stewing in his thoughts he finally raised his head. This little stunt had taken Akari away from her dinner, and her family. Crippling guilt motivated him to finally get out of his own head.
When he looked up Akari was there, a soft smile on her face. "How are you feeling Rei? It's okay if you don't want to talk about it right now, but it's getting cold and I'm worried you'll catch something. If you don't want to go back inside I can walk you home."
He nodded his head minutely, not entirely sure which part he was agreeing to.
Once again the sound of the door sliding open caught his attention. Not wanting to face whoever it could be he buried his face again.
"Sis is everything alright?" Hina asked softly. "Yes Hina, Rei is just feeling a little unwell, could you start cleaning up dinner, we need a minute." Akari replied. "Okay, feel better Rei let me know if I can help in any way." She said before returning to the house.
"Rei, are you ready to get up, or do you still need a minute?" He looked up again, and nodded wearily. Akari stood and offered her hands to help him. Grasping gently he let himself be pulled up, unprepared for the wave of dizziness and weakness brought on by the elevation change. He stumbled, slightly listing as she caught his elbow as he got his bearings.
"Easy there, do you need to sit back down?" She didn't like how weak he seemed, it reminded her of the first night she brought him home.
A small shake of his head, was her only indication he had even heard her. The blackness encroaching on the edges of his vision started to fade and he attempted to walk forward, only for his legs to give out underneath him. The boneless achy exhaustion he felt coupled with the dizziness and what felt like a skull crushing headache beginning to form was a nasty combination.
Akari had caught him around the waist and lowered him to the ground again with a worried look. Maybe going back to his apartment wasn't an option after all. In this state it would be a challenge to get him home, regardless leaving him alone sounded like a bad idea.
"Okay Rei it's alright just focus on breathing. Change of plans I think you should stay here tonight. You are in no shape to walk home and it'll be no trouble at all. I'll have Hina get the spare futon ready just sit tight for a minute."
As much as he wanted to protest she was right. He didn't want to impose, but a bad attack left him too exhausted to disagree. Another shaky nod and Akari's footsteps retreating inside left him drifting once again. He couldn't help but think of his family again, their bright smiles turned cold and dead. The whispers at the funeral and side glances of apathetic family members while he sat alone.
Time seemed to move faster and slower than he expected at the same time. His mind had drifted an eternity, but it felt like a blink and then Akari was back, all gentle hands and soft voice coaxing his attention out of the muddy sea of thoughts. Blearily he blinked up at her, struggling to understand what she had said, everything felt foggy.
"I'm going to help you up now Rei, the futon is ready just inside so hold on a moment longer, then you can rest." Carefully she crouched down slinging his arm over her shoulder and wrapping one arm around his waist, grasping his hand gently with her free hand. Standing up was a bit more successful this time, though he still had to steady himself against her as they walked carefully inside. Hina and Momo were waiting for them, quietly watching with concerned eyes, ready to assist at a moment's notice.
Rei kept his eyes downcast, not wanting to make eye contact with any of them, not wanting to share his pain and make them worry anymore than they already were.
By the time Akari was lowering him down onto the futon he was exhausted and nauseous, more than ready to collapse and sleep if he could. But the sisters weren't done with him yet, Akari insisted he drink a little water, since he hadn't eaten dinner. She gently guided a glass to his lips, as his hands were shaking too badly to hold the glass on his own. After a few small sips she set it aside, feeling his forehead with a frown. All the crying had given him a low grade fever she wanted to keep an eye on. After the younger girls fetched a damp cloth to wash his tear stained face he was finally able to rest. Quickly falling into a restless sleep.
Once Rei had drifted off Akari herded her sisters upstairs to prepare for bed.
"Is Rei really going to be okay?" Hina whispered. Akari sighed, gently hugging Hina close and whispered, "I'm sure he will feel better in the morning, but these things are complicated. Rei will open up when he is ready, whether he talks to us or someone else, but for now he just needs our support. Whatever he is going through won't heal overnight. For now let's get to bed, we all need the rest." Hina still seemed troubled, but agreed anyway.
Momo also took some convincing before she settled down. Despite her young age her heart was already so big, and she saw Rei as family at this point, they all did.
At last everyone but Akari was asleep, and she crept downstairs to check on Rei. He looked so fragile curled up on the living room floor. His face had taken on a sickly pallor and the tremors that wracked him earlier still lingered.
Akari wouldn't tell anyone, but it had scared her to see him run out, only to find him moments later crying and hyperventilating outside on the ground. For as long as they had known each other he had been calm and collected, barely showing emotions. As the oldest she knew she had to stay calm for his sake, and for her sisters. Even when he struggled to stand, his almost limp form was even lighter than it had been. His weight in particular worried her most, he was always small, but recently it seemed as though a light breeze would blow him away. She hadn't wanted to voice her thoughts and offend him, which is why she made the oyaki. Initially she hoped a taste of home would lift his spirits even just a little.
A whimper broke her out of her thoughts. Turning she almost wished she had imagined it. Life had not been kind to Rei, that much became clear the longer she knew him. Sofly padding across the floor so as not to wake him she spotted more tears leaking from his already puffy eyes. With a sigh she settled down on the floor, gently stroking his hair away from his flushed face. If that fever didn't break by morning she was going to take him to a doctor regardless of any protests he made. After he seemed to settle down again she went upstairs to get some much needed rest, tomorrow morning would come early. No matter how much she loved and trusted her sisters it was vital she wake up before them to take care of Rei, and keep them quiet if he was able to rest.