Chapter Text
It was a quiet flight back home. I was afraid that talking would only hurt Stell or me. So, silence was what I wanted. In my head, I played that battle out with different outcomes, wondering what I could have done differently. Had Calus lived, the Witness would have succeeded the Veil. Maybe I should have paid attention to what Stell said before the Witness took hold of her. Would I have been able to hold her back? What if I pulled the trigger a moment earlier?
“Ruby?” Stell calling my name brought me back to reality. Silence wasn’t what she wanted, it seemed.
“No, not now, Stell,” I whispered in reply.
“I think we should talk about what happened back there.” My grip tightened on the controls, trying to keep calm. “I-I understand why you wanted to shoot me...”
“Enough,”
“I was the reason we lost.”
“Enough,”
“I-I’m sorry.”
“ENOUGH!” Stell shook in fear. “I said I didn’t want to talk about it. Why do you insist on continuing.”
“Ruby,”
“YOU’RE STILL TALKING!” I smashed my fist on the console, holding tears back. “I want silence. Please. I’m begging you.” Thankfully, she shut up, and it was quiet until Earth came into view. Seeing the state of the Traveler on video and in real life was horrific. The Witness fleet was gone, but the chaos it left still littered the atmosphere. Then the Traveler, our saviour, was gone. Well, it was still there, but a large portal was cut through it, leading to who knows where.
“The Traveler,” Stell whispered. I said nothing as we flew by. The guilt of my failure was eating away at me. Landing back at the Tower felt like a dream, and I was afraid to wake back up in Neonuma any second. Stepping into the Hangar, the silence I craved was gone as various noises filled the air. I needed to get home.
“Rube’s, you’re back.” I cursed at myself for arriving back at midday. Of course, people were going to talk to me. I put on a smile and turned to Amanda.
“Only just.”
“We’ve missed you. Is-” She hesitated, and I knew she was about to talk about the Traveler. About my failed mission. “You going home?”
“Yeah. I need to sleep in my own bed.”
“Well, once you’ve rested, we could use your help.”
“Help?”
“The captives.”
“Shit. Of course. Sorry, I’m behind with what’s going on.”
“I get it. You’ve had a lot going on. Come find me when you’re ready.”
“I will. Bye!” I waved her off as I took off running. Maybe if people saw me rushing home, they’d ignore me. I took a moment, my hand on the doorknob to my apartment. I knew my family was on the other side of that door, and as much as I missed them, I needed some me time. Now, only not to snap at them while I explained it. The door opened, and a flash of blue hair grabbed my leg. Looking down, I saw Ari as he tried to climb up.
“Mommy!” The fake smile from earlier returned as I picked my son up and tossed him into the air, his giggles melting my heart.
“My little boy. Oh, I’ve missed you!” Rory was next to latch to my leg, and I swept her up in a hug alongside her brother. “And my little girl. You’ve both grown so much.”
“Ruby?” Crow peered out of the kitchen, hands soapy from cleaning. “Ruby!” He rushed to me, pulling the three of us into a hug. The warmth and love warmed my heart. Even if it wasn’t deserved.
“I can’t breathe.” I coughed, and Crow let me go.
“Sorry. I didn’t know you were coming home. Last I heard-”
“Never mind that. I’m home now. I know you likely have hundreds of questions, and I know the twins miss me, but I need to unwind. Do you mind?”
“No, of course not. Go, shower, sleep. Do whatever you need. I’ll try and keep the twins quiet.”
“Thanks, Crow.” I placed my kids down on the ground, and they protested before Crow grabbed their attention with some toys. I hurried to my room and locked the door, stopping anyone from bothering me. That’s when I noticed Stell stayed with Crow. I chewed on my check, thinking about calling her to me, but decided not to. We both need to clear our heads; some time apart might be best.
I shed my armour, leaving the crumpled mess by the bathroom door. The armour was in rough shape, and I didn’t even know if it was salvageable. That was a tomorrow 's problem. Right now, my body was screaming at me for pushing it far past its limit. I was too sore to stand in the shower, so I made up a bath and sank beneath the water. It burned at first, but after a bit, the water soothed my aching muscles, allowing me to relax. Now, if only I could soothe my mind, but too many what-ifs still flicker through.
The water was cold by the time I was pulling myself up. I caught sight of myself in the mirror. Eyes sunken in and ringed black. There was no spark to fight left in my eyes.
A soft knock startled me. “Ruby?”
“Yes?”
“Oh, you’re awake. I have some food if you want it.” My stomach rumbled.
“Food sounds great.” The door shook.
“Ah, Ruby... Did you lock the door?”
“Yea. One second!” I hastily wrapped the towel around me before opening it. On the other side were Stell, Glint and Crow. “Sorry,”
“I get it. You need your time. Food?” Crow held a tray of stew with some bread.
“This smells great. Thanks, Crow.”
“No problem. Leave the tray on the table, and I’ll collect it later.” He turned to leave, and I grabbed his shirt and pulled him into a kiss.
“Love you,”
“Love you too.” He smiled, leaned in for one last kiss, then went downstairs. Stell hovered for a moment, and I wondered if she’d say something, but instead, she followed Crow back into the living room. Crow’s stew hit the spot, and within thirty minutes, I was drifting off to sleep, well-fed and only in a bit of pain. Too bad it wasn’t a restful sleep. I tossed and turned briefly before waking in a cold sweat and my heart pounding. I looked around and saw I was alone; the sun was just over the horizon. How long have I been asleep?
I rolled out of bed and grabbed my robe before heading downstairs. I found Crow sitting in the window with a cup of coffee and our Ghosts keeping him company.
“Morning,”
His head snapped up, and he smiled. “Morning. Did I wake you?”
“No. Did you sleep in our bed last night?”
“No. I slept on the couch.”
“Crow,”
Crow bit his lips, avoiding eye contact. “You...I came in, and you kept mumbling in your sleep.”
My blood ran cold. “W-what did you hear?” Crow looked at Stell, and the worse came to mind. “She told you,”
“Told me what?”
I sighed, shaking my head while rubbing my temples. “I don’t have the energy to play games right now. I slept maybe a few hours... So say what you have to say.”
“Ruby, Stell hasn’t said anything.”
I scoffed. “Right. I’m not dealing with this.” I turned and stomped back to my room, changing into warmer clothes before leaving the house. The last thing I heard was Crow calling my name before the door closed.
Was I being a bit childish right now? Probably. But my head was pounding, and I wanted more time to process what had happened. That wasn’t going to happen with Crow looking his nose in. Without Stell and Crow, I finally have time to process my final battle on Neonuma. The first stop on my trip was my favourite coffee shop.
“Morning, Ellen.”
The older lady turned to me and smiled. “Ruby, long time no see. How’s it going?”
“Oh, you know. Same old, same old.”
“No babies today?”
“Not really babies anymore.” I chuckled.
“They will always be your babies.”
“True and no. They’re back home with their dad.”
“Shame. You have to bring them by again.”
“I’ll get right on that. Can I have two of my regulars, please?”
“Two?”
“Two.”
Ellen shrugged her shoulders. “Two cappuccinos with vanilla coming up.” I pulled at my fingers as I waited for my drinks, worried Crow would appear out of nowhere. I doubted it since no one was around to watch Ari and Rory, but it didn’t stop me from looking over my shoulder.
“Here you go, Ruby,” Ellen said, sliding the drinks over.
“Thanks.” I tapped my card, paying her in glimmer before pulling my hood up and walking to my next destination.
I pushed past the crowds until I reached the cemetery. Why I always came here, I didn’t know, but for now, it was somewhere I could sit quietly. I placed one cup on Cayde’s grave and sat across it with the other. The cold breeze would normally annoy me, but I found it refreshing right now. It reminded me I was still living and breathing despite everything fighting against me.
The sound of footsteps in the snow broke my calmness, and I prepared to see Crow behind me, not Amanda.
“Hello, stranger.” She laughed.
“Hey, Amanda.”
She sat beside me, and I could smell the hot chocolate in her cup. “What brings you here? Talking to Cayde?”
“Not really. The quiet was what brought me here. I figured early on a Tuesday morning, no one would be here.”
“Oh,” She began to stand, but I grabbed her hand to stop her.
“Stay,”
“Okay,” We sat in silence for a bit, only the wind rustling in the tree behind us, and our breathing filled the air. Somehow, that was what I found soothing and what finally made me say out loud what I’d been hiding.
“I almost killed Stell.”
Amanda choked on her drink, coughing a bit before replying. “What?”
“Back in Neonuma, I was seconds away from killing my best friend.”
“I’m going to need more context here, Rubes.”
I sighed and took a swig of my drink. “The reason the Traveler is... It is the way it is... Well, it’s because I failed.”
“I’m still lost.”
I rolled my eyes. “I didn’t kill Stell in time, which led to that.”
“Ruby, if you want my help, sympathy or anything, I need the full picture.” My hands clenched around my cup as I told Amanda everything about my fight against Calus. At the end of it, she pulled me into a hug.
“I’m sorry, Rube’s.”
I pulled out of the hug, confused. “Sorry?”
“I was bugging you about Crow while you were busy dealing with that.”
I waved her off. “Crow is a whole other issue,”
“I would ask about it... But you have enough going on as it is.”
I stood, brushing the snow off my pants. “It’s stupid, really, and saying it out loud makes it worse.”
“I’m all ears.”
I bit my lip. “You’re not the one I should be discussing this with.”
“Okay... Now I’m really curious.”
“I’ll tell you if you promise not to react badly.”
“I can promise that I’ll try not to.”
I rubbed my face in my hands. “That’ll do.” I pulled my face free and turned to my friend. “Crow is in love with you.”
Amanda took a step back, surprised at my words. “I’m sorry, did you say Crow is in love with me?”
“Yes.”
“Ruby, Crow loves you.”
I sighed, knowing I was about to repeat the same thing I’ve now said to Crow and Stell. “I’m not doubting that!” My tone was harsher than I wanted, and I took a moment to calm down. “I know Crow loves me. But I need to know that he loves me more than you.”
Amanada put her cup down and grabbed my hands. “You know I feel nothing like that for Crow. Not before and not now. I swear.”
“I know. This is nothing on you, Amanda.”
“Then,”
“I don’t want him to only love me because of our past or because of the twins.”
“He doesn’t-”
“You can keep saying that till you’re blue in the face; it doesn’t change how I feel right now.”
“Sorry,”
“Please don’t apologize.”
“So-” I glared at her, and she clamped her mouth shut and sighed. “Let’s change the subject then. Your choice whether to kill Stell.”
“Must we?”
“Yes.”
“Caiatl ordered me to do it, and I aimed without a second thought.”
“Have you spoken to Stell about this?” I shook my head. “Maybe you should.”
“I- I wouldn’t know what to say,”
“Let her talk. It might help. You and Stell are so close. Maybe she’s hurting too.”
“I never... I never thought of it like that.”
“Now you have. So go home and talk to your Ghost.”
“Alright,” I looked at Cayde’s grave one last time before following Amanda out. “Did Crow send you?”
“He might have.”
I chuckled. “Of course.” Amanda and I separated when we reached the Tower. She was going back to the EDZ with Missarks, and I went home.
Crow had the fire going and the twins peacefully playing while he watched. I entered the house quietly, not wanting to disturb them, but Stell spun around the moment the door latched shut.
“Ruby!”
“Yes, I’m back.” I pulled my hoodie off, letting the snow fall, and kicked my boots off before joining everyone in the living room. Crow raised an eyebrow as I sat down, waiting for me to say something. “Don’t ask where I was.”
“Were you drinking?”
Valid question. “Coffee was the only drink I had today, and even last night, I didn’t have a drop of alcohol.”
Stell spun her shell, and I knew the next question before she even asked. “D-did you...”
I shook my head and pulled my sleeves up. “I didn’t touch anything, Stell. I swear. I’m clean.”
Not trusting me, and I knew why, Stell came over and scanned me. “No drugs or alcohol. Just a copious amount of sugar.”
“Told you,”
“Ruby, I was worried,”
“You sent Amanda, so I know.”
“I-”
“She’s know’s everything, Crow. Don’t worry.” He looked away and into his cup. “Anyway, I’m not here to talk about that. I actually wanted to talk to Stell alone.”
“Me?” Stell asked, sounding uncertain.
“Yes. We can go for a walk or head upstairs.”
“U-Upstairs is fine.” I stood, and Sell followed me to my room. I kept the door unlocked this time, easing Stell’s fear. I could feel it coming from her in waves, and I knew I was the reason.
“Could you calm down? I’m not going to hurt you.” I grumbled.
“I’m sorry.”
I sat down on the edge of the bed while Stell stayed at the door. “I want you to tell me how you feel?”
Stell made a surprised sound, coming a bit closer. “How I feel?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I need to know how you feel about what happened after Calus.” I was annoyed that I had to explain my reasoning.
“Does it matter?”
“Of course it matters!” I stood abruptly, causing Stell to coward back in fear. “Sorry, I’m a bit on edge.”
“Ruby, I wanted to apologize-”
I held my hand out to silence Stell. “No apologizing right now. Not till we get everything out that we need to. So, please tell me how you feel.”
Stell’s shell spun as she hovered there silently. Maybe she doesn’t want to talk, and I shouldn’t force her. Amanda said to understand how she felt, and I was trying my best. “I’m scared.” She finally said. “I’m angry. I’m hurt.” I sat back down and waited for her to elaborate. “I-I couldn’t control my body, but I could see everything. I saw you aiming your gun at me, and in the back of my mind, I knew... I had to die to save the Traveler. To save everyone. But it never happened.”
“Stell,”
“I’m alive, and so is everyone else... But the Traveler,” Stell looked to the sky that once held our God. “It’s out there, a hole torn through it, and it’s all my fault.”
Having Stell blame herself broke my heart. I rushed to my Ghost and pulled her to my chest. “This isn’t your fault, Stell. None of this is your fault.”
“Ruby,” She shuddered.
“It’s my fault. I saw the warning signs. I knew what the darkness could do to you, that the Witness could control you, and I selfishly put you in danger. Almost killed you because of it.”
“Ruby,”
“You made mention of it before, Stell.”
“I did, but what could we have done? Send another team? The same thing would have occurred.”
“I WAS ORDERED TO KILL YOU!” I fell back onto my bed, and my head fell into my head. “And for a minute, I was gonna do it. Kill my best friend. The one who has been through everything with me. Then, when I didn’t, I felt like a failure.”
“Ruby,”
“I’m a failure because I didn’t kill you.”
“Oh, Ruby.” Stell laid on my lap as tears fell. “You’re not a failure, and I’m not either. It was a trap we never expected.”
“I’m scared. I don’t know what I’d do without you,”
“I know.” Stell nuzzled her way closer. “I hope we never have to figure it out. But I’m not mad about what happened back there. I understand why you thought you needed to kill me. I would never hold that against you.”
“I love you,”
“I love you too, Ruby. I knew what I was doing when I chose you.”