Archive of Our Own ^beta

”Sometimes we have to let go of what’s killing us, even if it’s kills us to let go” - unknown.

***

Hide knows, maybe even before Kaneki does, maybe even before Hide understands what it means… that Ken Kaneki - Hide’s best friend - won’t survive.

He let’s go, before he even latches on to that friendship that binds them together.

He knows…

They’re kids when Hide first meats Kaneki, one the small hill behind the school ground. The young, black haired boy sitting there in the grass, alone. A book in his hands, nose deep into it. Hide had smiled at the boy, reached out a hand and brought a little light and color into those dule, grey eyes. Hide doesn’t like books himself, instead Hide loves to talk. He fills the silence between the two so there’s never an awkward moment as Kaneki reads and reads.

He doesn’t tell him that he knows about the bruises. He doesn’t mention anything when Kaneki’s mother dies, just hugs him close like nothing has changed. But Hide knows. He knows that Kaneki is broken by his mothers’ words. He knows that every day is a battle of survival. He changed, subtle, but Hide saw. His friend always seem lonely, even in a crowd.

Every day is battle of survival, or Kaneki is losing.

Hide is there when they transfer from middle school to high school. He’s there when Kaneki get’s build and hides away in the library during lunch, there when Kaneki almost moves in to Hide’s room a permanent mattress on the floor and Hide’s mom smiling kindly at the boy, he’s there when Kaneki decides he wants to go to Kamii, there when Kaneki takes the lead in a school play, he’s there when Kaneki breaks down before exams, there when he steps out of high school with a smile on his lips that Hide knows is fake - because Kaneki is a great actor.

Hide doesn’t know what he wants, so he goes to Kamii too. He get’s to be there when Kaneki steps through the university doors for the first time, when he joins the book club, when he gets his favorite book signed, when Kaneki moves out into his own apartment and cooks for himself for the first time, there when Kaneki falls in love with a violet haired girl at a coffee shop.

He doesn’t get to be there when Kaneki recovered, or when he transitions into being a Ghoul. He want’s to of course, but Kaneki shuts him out, puts on that fake mask Hide knows so well to hide what he’s really feeling. At the Anteiku they don’t know about Kaneki’s secret. They don’t understand him like Hide does…

Hide knows from a distance that Kaneki struggles. But he doesn’t push. I can’t.

When Kaneki disappears Hide has a feeling his friend might have finally lost the battle against himself. He’ll never admit that to anyone, of course. But he knows Kaneki. He doesn’t expect to see him again. He doesn’t expect to see him grow up, get a family.

He knows he won’t see his friend again, but he hopes… he hopes deep down that Kaneki is happy. At peace, finally, once and for all. Even if that meant Hide wouldn’t see him again.

His friend had always carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, wearing whatever mask the world needed him wear for each moment of his life. Some good, some dark, some Hide didn’t know. If his friend had finally found a place where he belonged or a place where he didn’t feel so hurt and lonely, then Hide could be happy for him.

He does see Kaneki again though.

In the sewers, Kaneki fights one last time with everything he’s got. Hide is left with permanent scares, permanent reminder of his friend. And though it hurts, Hide smiles. Because revealing that he knows might lift a weight off his best friends’ shoulders.

Hide doesn’t know what Kaneki goes through at the CCG as Haise Sasaki. He doesn’t ask.

But Hide is there when Kaneki turns into the dragon. He’s there when he becomes a king, and when the world changes, there when Touka gives birth to a young girl and Kaneki’s the father.

Once a long time ago when Hide was a kid, he imagines Kaneki and him growing up together. Getting their first drink together, going to their first party together, getting kids who can play with one another. But Hide doesn’t get kids, he just stays there by Kaneki’s side as the world falls the to place for the white-haired best friend. The world isn’t wrong, it just is.

And Hide is just there by Kaneki’s side, and Kaneki by his.

Hide is there by Kaneki’s side too, in the park at the bench sitting in the summer warmth in the later afternoon. Watching over Ghoul and human kids playing together. Ichika Kaneki, the young girl with the black and white hair, smiling and laughing as she swings higher and higher. It’s peaceful, sometimes maybe too peaceful after everything they’ve been through. But they’re there, together. For a little longer at least.

Hide looks to his silent friend by his side as he chatters on about his work. About how Nishiki and Kimi are doing, about Akira and Amon, about the world. Only to falter. The words caught in his throat. Stuck there, unable to pass by his lips as his eyes rest on Kaneki.

The book in the man’s hands are forgotten as he stars almost emptily towards Ichika who smiles and waves at her father. But that doesn’t surprise Hide, Kaneki loves his child. What stop Hide, what stands out, is the tears that slip down Kaneki’s cheek. Silent tears of pain, or of joy, or of life.

“Kaneki?” Hide puffs to his friends’ shoulder softly, “You okay dude?”.

Kaneki grey eyes blinks, focused and his gaze shifts to Hide. A small smile forms on his lips as his friend scratches the back of his neck before his fingers moves to rub his chin. “Sorry, Sorry!” Kaneki almost exclaims, so much like the kid Hide once knew. “I’m fine, just losing focus”.

“Did you know you scratch your chin every time you hide something?” Hide says and moves his own gaze to Kaneki’s daughter. From the corner of his eyes, he sees Kaneki pull his hand away from his chin we a sheepish shrug that says more than a thousand words. He knows. He didn’t know Hide knew, but of course Hide knows. “You’re thinking about it again”. It’s a statement. ‘it’ being something Kaneki and Hide has never spoken about out loud, but they both know.

Hide knows, maybe even before Kaneki does, maybe even before Hide understands what it means… that Ken Kaneki - Hide’s best friend - won’t survive.

Kaneki gives a tight nod.

“Hide?” he nods, looks to his friend who fiddles with the strings of his summer jacket. Not meeting his eyes. “Do you… think there’s something wrong with me?”.

Hide raises an eyebrow, putting a thrown on his face. “There’s nothing wrong with being a Ghoul, we talked about this already. Remember?!” Hide says, changing his expression to one of a smile. He knows that’s no what Kaneki means, but Hide always smiles, always laugh. That’s how he copes with the dark stuff, the painful stuff. The weird and crazy stuff. This… stuff.

Kaneki shakes his head. “Not the Ghoul stuff…” he clarifies, like he somehow needs to. “I’m supposed to be happy now, aren’t I?” his eyes travel towards his daughter, “I’ve got everything anybody could ever want, friends, family, a place to belong… so why do I feel so empty?”.

When Hide and Kaneki where kids Hide always knew when Kaneki put on a mask. Over time it’s gotten harder at moment to see if the happiness is real or not, but Kaneki’s words make Hide’s heart skip a beath. “I don’t think there’s something wrong with you” Hide says, “Kaneki, when we where kids, you’d always put more on your shoulders than you could carry. I’ve always tried to hide from you, what I knew would break you. You’ve said that yourself”.

Kaneki nods, his eyes move over Hide’s face. They both remember that day. Their reunion.

“Maybe I did that because I knew” Hide says, Kaneki raises an eyebrow this time, “I knew from the very moment I meet you that I’d live longer than you. You wouldn’t make it through”.

Hide leans back against the bench, crosses his legs and takes into the small summer wind. “What is that supposed to mean?” Kaneki asks, his voice barely a whisper.

Hide shrugs, sighs. “We both know you wanted to die. Being a king, getting a kid, a wife. That wasn’t your plan at all. You wanted to die when your purpose was over. It is now, Kaneki. Your done. And that’s okay”.

“What do you-“,

Hide pulls a hand up, stops Kaneki before the sentence finishes. “Kaneki. Will you be honest with me for a moment? Just one?” Kaneki nods, swallows hardly. “Do you wanna live?”.

Kaneki looks like he’s about to nod, whin Hide’s name like he’d done at the café when he first meets Rize, telling Hide to cut it off. But Kaneki stops. Hesitates in a way he’s done so many times over the years. The way the seems to grow in numbers are Kaneki become older. “No…” he says, “I don’t think I do”.

Hide gives a stiff nod. He isn’t surprised. “Why don’t you go for a walk? Clear your head?”.

“But I need to bring Ichika home, Touka is making dinner” Kaneki says, his eyes once more going to the girl, a small tear flowing down. “I don’t wanna live Hide…” he whispers, “But what about Touka? What about Ichika? What wouldn’t they think about me…?”.

Hide places a hand on Kaneki’s shoulder, grounding his friend in the moment. “I’ll watch over them. They’ll be fine, Kaneki. And they’ll understand, just like I do. Cause they love you”.

Kaneki nods. Leans forward and dries the stray tear away, only for new once to tingle down. “Thank you… Hide”.

“I’ll take Ichika. Don’t worry about her” Hide says as he pushes to his feet, “I haven’t seen Touka in a while. It’ll be nice to see her again” he goes on as Kaneki get’s up from the bench as well. But for the first time in his life, Hide knows Kaneki won’t be by his side. And he can’t be by Kaneki’s anymore. Some people can only stay in your heart, not your life. Hide has read that once, somewhere. He knew then it meant Kaneki.

The book Kaneki has been reading is pushed into Hide’s hands before Kaneki starts walking, one last glaze to his friend. A sad smile on his face. Hide claps his hands around the books. He watches Kaneki walk up the ramp, away from the park, away from life. Then he moves to Ichika.

The young girl with her two toned hair looks after her father, after the most important person in her life, after her mother. But she doesn’t run after him. Hide moves to her with a wave and a smile. “Where’s Maman going?” she asks with a voice that hold worry, and sorrow already. Maybe she knows in a way Hide had done too, even if she doesn’t understand it yet. Even if…

“He just needed some space” Hide says, allows a single tear to flow down his cheek as he glazes over his shoulder, as Kaneki disappears from view. He pulls Ichika up into his arms. “He just needed a little space, that’s all”. He closes his eyes, takes in Ichika’s smell and sighs. Opens his eyes and plasters on a mask, almost as good as the one Kaneki always were. A smile on his lips, and bright happy eyes. A contrast to Kaneki’s grey. To Ichika’s grey.

If you where to write a story with Ken Kaneki in the lead role, it would truly be a tragedy.

There’s only one thing Hide knows about Kaneki’s time as Haise, he didn’t like Sen Takatsuki books. Haise got attached to characters, but she’d kill of anyone, even the main. Maybe that’s why Kaneki Sen Takatsuki works so much. Because he knew, even the main could let go and die when their time was over. Because he knew, this day would come. Sooner rather than later.

Hide lets go.

When Touka worriedly asks about Kaneki as Hide enters through the door, a tired girl in his arms, he shrugs her off. Because he can’t let her follow him. She’ll have to let go too…

It hurts.

Hide knows that.

But he also knows, it won’t hurt forever.