Chapter Text
Blair realized how difficult it was to run away, unseen and unobserved, in a ballroom. Heels clicking, she tried to outrun the roving eyes that pricked like needles on her back. Despite a strong urge to pick up her skirt and run, she didn’t, of course not. When she had almost given up on finding a secluded corner, she glimpsed the coat room and rushed to its safety praying that none of the intrusive eyes were following her.
Blair needed a moment, or hundred. What have you done? Her mind relentlessly screamed at her. She needed air and she had banished herself to the coat room. Jesus! She felt incapable of stringing two thoughts together. How had her control slipped so dismally? How had she let her deepest darkest thoughts slip through as though she was discussing the weather?
What would Dan think of you now?
Blair shook her head trying to dislodge herself of these vulnerable, uncomfortable thoughts. She needed to find her calm again. Her throat felt tight, her arms felt heavy and she was sure she was going to either pass out or die at this moment. All her life Blair had ensured to never let others see how truly bruised and battered her heart was. She knew that people around her were like hounds and the slightest scent of blood would have meant her social death. The only person she had thought who would understand the cracks within her had been Chuck, but he had just left more bruises and invisible hurts.
“What am I going to do?” she whispered.
She could feel tears at the back of her eyes and she bit her lips as hard as she could to stop them from spilling over. It was one thing to live with a shallow self worth, it was quite another to announce it to the entire world at the top of her lungs. Blair felt ill-prepared for today, she had come here to unmask an old foe not her heart. It felt like she was standing at the end of a cliff and only a thread was holding her feet on the ground, a slip of wind would topple her over to unknown depths.
“Well, that was perfect!”
Blair flinched and turned around to see Georgina closing the door to the coat room.
“Why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?” Georgina asked, but before Blair could reply she walked up to her with barely contained excitement. “I must admit when you switched the plan last minute to fight with Humphrey, I was sure it would be a disaster. How wrong was I! That was perfect, you little thespians!”
“What?”
“You wanted the world to know you’re upset, well I don’t think there’s a corner in this ballroom that doesn’t know about your fight yet.”
Blair collapsed on the couch wedged against the wall and wished she could remain in this closet with exorbitant coats. She belonged with this meaningless opulence and the musky smell of dust.
“I thought you’d be happy.” Georgina continued. “Wait, why aren’t you happy?”
“I am happy.” Blair said in a barren tone. She couldn’t even muster the energy to try and sound happy.
“Hmm hmm. What I want to understand is why is Serena searching for you like you’re a child lost in Disneyland?”
“She didn’t know about the fight.” Blair lied
“Oh, that’s perfect! Even I couldn’t have planned this better and that is saying something. Now all we have to do is let Eric know that he can proceed with…”
It was hard to follow what Georgina was saying. Blair tried to breathe deep, remembering years of training when it came to resisting the urge to binge eat. She was glad that she hadn’t sought shelter in the kitchen.
Breathing didn’t help. For every long breath she took, she felt like she was drowning in it. Her hands wouldn’t unclench. Blair was glad for the poor lighting in the coat room. She resisted the urge to grab her coat and run out into the night, but Blair Waldorf had never run from a challenge and if tonight didn’t constitute as the biggest challenge of her life she didn’t know what would. There were people waiting for her outside, depending on her and trusting her. Disappointing them was unimaginable.
Georgina, bless her, was oblivious to the state Blair was in, which was a gift from providence because when had she ever seen Georgina unobservant.
“Now, on to the next phase of the plan.” Georgina concluded, rubbing her hands.
Blair wanted to sink further into the fabric of the couch and disappear for a while. She felt like her mind was split into two. She would never be able to look at Dan the same again. Her temporary loss of sanity would forever haunt her.
“Waldorf.”
Why did nothing fall into place for her? When it felt like she overcame one boulder a whole new mountain would stand in her path, blocking all the light. Could she ever catch a breath?
“Waldorf! Are you even listening.”
Blair tilted her head and looked at Georgina. “No.”
Georgina narrowed her eyes. “You do look like you’ve been through hell and back. What did you two even fight about? I couldn’t hear much over the music.”
“Nothing.” Blair sighed. Georgina looked like she wanted to add something, but she just continued to stare intently as though she was sorting out Blair’s thoughts.
Did anything even matter now? Her thoughts were out in the open for the world. She was pretty sure many had heard her voicing out her darkest insecurity, airing it out for the world to scrutinize and judge. They would have a field day knowing that Manhattan's fashion princess didn’t have everything figure out. News of her divorce had been kept out of the public eye so far, but all it would take was one speculation to make her a social pariah. Not that she cared. The man she loved knew the very worst of Blair Waldorf now and it felt like she was just waiting for him to turn away from her forever.
Her phone pinged in her gown pocket and Blair shook her head. It was time to snap herself out of this pity party. She would just have to deal with Dan and the repercussions of her confessions at a later time, well after the hunt for Gossip Girl had ended.
She stood up and dusted her gown. Blair frowned at the couch she had just got up from, it’s sanitation well in question. She closed her eyes and drew in strength that she knew existed from years of practice, privilege and playacting. She needed all of it to move past the past 20 minutes and finish what she had begun tonight.
“Where’s Eric?” she asked Georgina.
“He is all ready.” Georgina smiled.
Time to begin the next act.
-----x-----
The moment Dan opened his eyes, he felt a ringing in his ears and his eyes hurt from the light. He squinted and tried to make sense of his surroundings. He felt a chill over his arms and when he tried to pull in his jacket closer, he found himself without it.
In his second attempt he was able to sit upright, and only then did he realize his head was hurting. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to recollect what had put him in this situation. What the hell happened?
"Oh good you're awake." said a voice to his right.
Except for the light bulb over his head, the area around him was dark and dingy. He was sitting on the floor in what seemed like an empty room except for a few boxes and chairs stacked on one side.
"Where am I?" he asked aloud. He even sounded drunk. Jesus, how many shots had he gulped down? The memories of his squabble with Blair came back to him hazily.
"What the hell? Did you hurt your head?" That was Nate.
Dan shook his head and tried to locate Nate. He was leaning against the wall near what appeared to be a door. He was shrouded in the shadow.
"I don't think so."
"Ah, that's too bad."
"What?"
"I hope you've realized by now that I might have to punch you, but I'm debating when to do it. Anyway, I was waiting for you to wake the fuck up."
He couldn’t understand why Nate sounded angry, but its not like Nate sounded anything but angry lately, especially with Dan. He found his jacket lying on the floor and he picked it up. Standing was difficult as he inched closer to where Nate was. He took support of a pillar nearby.
“Jesus, is this the backstage of the school theatre? I haven’t been here in ages.” Dan remarked.
Nate passed him a bottle of water and he tried to take a sip, but the nausea hit him hard.
“You have to finish that bottle, even if I have to hold you down and pour it down your throat.”
He could see Nate now in the light from a nearby window. The man looked ready to maim him.
Dan tried to make his head stop spinning. He tried to regain a sense of normalcy by bowing down and covering his ears and taking deep breaths. Nate forced him to drink water in between this ritual. After what seemed like ages, the pain in Dan’s head receded a bit and he was able to drink most of the water.
“I dragged your ass here before Serena finds and beheads you.” Nate said.
Dan paused mid-sip and frowned at Nate.
“Why?”
Nate rolled his eyes.
“Don’t tell me that after creating all the mess and hurting Blair like that you just chose to forget everything.” Nate grumbled.
Memories of the night were swimming like pieces of metals adrift in space, untethered and unfocused. He tried to bring them in a line and make sense fo the situation he was in. Like cold water splashed on the face, Dan suddenly knew everything that had happened. The hope with which he had begun the night and the bleak reality that had confronted him by the end. He remembered fighting with Blair and how much it had hurt him just to look at her, but the exact words they had spoken were still hazy, swimming somewhere in the dark abyss of his mind.
Dan found it difficult to swallow as all the pain returned and he was once again standing with the knowledge of how inconsequential he was to Blair Waldorf.
“I didn’t forget.” he whispered.
Nate gave him a long look and shook his head.
“Don’t expect any sympathy from me.”
“Why are you acting like this?”
Nate scoff and looked at him as though he had lost his mind.
The door on their right burst open and Serena rushed in with all the force that usually accompanies her and some more.
“You.” She pointed at Dan with venom and approached towards him.
“Woah. woah.” Nate grabbed hold of her from behind just when she had tried to take a swing at Dan.
Dan ducked and the water bottle slipped from his hand. He covered his head and tried to dodge.
“What were you even thinking?” Serena was shouting, still being held by Nate.
Nate pulled her around to face him. “Serena, calm down.”
“Calm down?”
“Yes, calm down. Take a deep breath.”
“What in the…”
“Shush.” Nate said placing his hand over her mouth. “No body tonight is in their right minds. Breathe a little and I’ll let you go, okay? You can berate Humphrey all you want, but after the steam coming off your ears vanish.”
Dan was surprised to see Serena actually take a couple of deep breaths. He felt uncomfortable being subjected to all their anger when everything inside his head and the pain in his heart dictated that tonight all anger and hurt belonged to him. Why were they mad at him of all people? He wasn’t the one who had essentially dehumanized a person while dating them.
“Listen,” he began, clearing his throat. “I think it’s for the best if I just leave. I’m sure you all are on top of the plan and will catch Gossip Girl with or without me.”
They both turned towards him as though they had momentarily forgot he existed. Nate glared at him.
“Leave?” he asked with disbelief.
“After what you put Blair through?” Serena chimed in. “Dan, Jesus!”
She came towards him and Dan raised his arm in defense and that got him a dirty glance from her.
“Have you lost all your sense of empathy? What is wrong with you?”
“Me?” he felt like punching a whole in the wall. “Why are you angry at me? After finding out what Blair did?”
“Oh my god, are you still hung up on that? So, she knew all about my plan but still went to meet Chuck at the Empire. So what?”
“So what?” he repeated in disbelief.
“Dan, wake the fuck up! What are you, 18 again? I think we are well past the stage in our life when we treated love as something to be played on a chessboard. Blair was immature, she chose Chuck over you, she broke your heart, repeatedly. So what?”
Dan felt like he just got punched in the gut.
“Why are you doing this to me?” he could barely get the words out. He felt nauseous all over again.
Something in his tone or in his eyes made Serena pause. The fire went out of her and she hunched down a bit and her hands unclenched.
“Dan, I… I don’t want to belittle the millions hurts that has burrowed inside you. I truly only want to make you to look beyond them. We are all products of something broken, Dan, or maybe that’s how any person can exist, I don’t know.”
Serena looked upwards and heaved a sigh. “I sometimes really believe that we don’t deserve to be happy. We’ve grown up with so much privilege that we have essentially created all the problems in our lives because there aren’t any true ones. We are from a world that everyone wants to be part of, including you. Only when you step in you realize how truly lonely and barren it all is. But we can never complain. Why? Because even in all our misery we have it far better than millions of people.”
Dan felt like his head might explode. “Serena… are you complaining about how sadly privileged your life is?”
“No! Jesus. Stop being typical Dan for a second, will you? Ugh just listen.” she cleared her throat. “Love is a luxury in this world, in my world, in Blair’s world. Nobody would love her unless they wanted something in return, or saw a value out of loving her. A love that exists just for the sake of spreading happiness is something we jear over. It is a myth, a tool for manipulation, a lie that we have to delude ourselves to believe in to function well and succeed.”
Nate came up behind Serena and held her shoulders, but she didn’t even notice. Her eyes were intently trying to communicate something to Dan.
“In the darkest corner of my soul, I fear being loved the most. And it’s me! Serena Van der Woodsen, the IT girl that everybody loves. I have loved so many times, I have received love so many times. I have known, maybe sparingly, but I have known true love, pure love, simple love. And… and I am beginning to realize Blair hasn’t. I don’t think there has been anyone who’s just been there for her, the way she has been there for us so many… so many times.”
Dan’s heart ached at the picture that Serena was painting. From this lens Blair’s life seemed bleak and colorless.
Seren took a pause to gather her thoughts, it was as though she was struggling with something within.
“I haven’t been the best friend to Blair. I don’t think.. I don’t really think Nate was the best boyfriend, or Chuck the best husband, or Eleanor the best mother. Forget best, we weren’t even good. We were all so used to having Blair always on our side, supporting us unequivocally whenever we truly needed it that it became so easy to forget that she was always standing alone. The only time it was any different was when you were with her Dan.”
Somehow every word that Serena said felt like it was exactly what Dan needed to hear and it made him cautious. Because when had life ever steered in the direction that he wanted it to? Had he truly been the only one to stand by her side? Or was that what he needed to hear and believe in this moment?
“No body has ever loved the good, bad, ugly, silly, petty, gorgeous, embarrassing and remarkable parts of Blair Waldorf the way you did Dan. I believe Blair has only known true love through you.”
Dan stopped listening to Serena because it felt like he was on assault. An assault of words that dredged up remnants of hope that he had spent years trying to bury deep. They just kept resurfacing and no matter how hard he shoved them back into darkness, they refused to stay dormant.
He raised a hand and moved away from Serena. She tried to say something more but he had stopped paying her attention, he was bust trying to retilt his world back into it’s right axis.
Blair has only known true love through you
He shook his head. It couldn’t be true. Those words were sweet, so very sweet, but if he made the mistake of falling for them again, he would face nothing but hurt, shame, and heartache. He couldn’t do it, he truly couldn’t.
Nate seemed to have dragged Serena away because when he came out of his stupor a while later (an hour later? a year later?) he couldn’t spot them. It wouldn’t have been easy, Serena looked like she had a lot to say, but there was only so much that Dan could process. Her claims were bold and preposterous. Yes, they were shitty friends and never cared for Blair the way she deserved. When he had been in Blair’s life he had hated every single one of them for their shallow friendship that seemed to be only called upon when they needed Blair’s help. Of course, they weren’t bad people, they had their redeeming qualities, but compared to Blair they were dust.
But, the big question was, did that mean the only true relationship of Blair’s had been with him? Hell no, he wasn’t ready to believe that. He needed to get out, go walk miles and get his head straight. Having made up his mind, he walked out of the room and instinctively switched off the light and plunged the room into darkness. His steps halted as she saw the room doused in moonlight one last time. Eons ago he had shared this space with Blair, when they had rehearsed for their play. She had been Serena’s cunning friend to him and he had been Brooklyn’s vermin to her. When did their lives ever start to intertwine?
Your were always more than what I could have.
Dan’s breath froze in his lungs as he recollected what Blair had shouted at him during their fight. Until now all he had known was that they had fought but the words, Blair’s words had been hazy, unclear. Slowly, painfully, every single word uttered by Blair came back to him as though returning home from a long voyage. With each word, he felt something sharp stab his chest. He never knew he could endure this much pain.
Serena’s anger and Nate’s disappointed slowly started to make sense to him. Everything in this world felt crueler with the memory of what Blair had revealed.
You deserve more than a hollow pretentious shell of a woman who was nothing more than a glorified whore.
Even if he could live a thousand years, Dan was sure he would never forget the naked truth and the broken voice with which Blair had spoken.
He turned towards the ballroom and walked blindly with a burning heart of anger and hurt, not knowing how he could ever face the only woman he has ever truly loved.