Chapter Text
“Why you’re here? Do you know something?” Zenkichi asked, grateful to be safe in the Mindspace and have a topic of discussion to distract himself with.
“Not particularly, but I’ve been doing some thinking.”
“Go on.”
“Well, I doubt I was chosen to be your personal bodyguard, for one. And there is my past ‘occupation’ to consider.”
“A hitman?”
“Not that one. I mean the part where the god of control specifically tasked me with ruining the world.”
Huh?
“Akechi, I’m going to be gray by the end of the year if you keep doing this to me.”
“It didn’t work, obviously. But I can’t help but entertain the possibility of that happening again.”
“That thing’s dead, though, right?”
“Yes, but it seems there’s a great deal of powerful entities on the Other Side that we can’t fathom.”
“So, hold on, you’re telling me that you think you’ve been sent to mess with me by some god… to do what, exactly?”
“That I don’t know. However, I think you’re integral to the Thieves’ mission this time. And if I’m here to sabotage that…”
“Even if that is true, they’ve severely discounted your free will.” Zenkichi snorted. “I mean, all you’ve done is try to help me.”
“But what if that’s what you’re supposed to think? What if you’re meant to trust me, so that I can lead you astray?”
“And would you?”
“Of course not! But I literally have a track record of fucking things up anyway!”
“Listen, Akechi. I think we’ve got too much self-doubt and self-deprecation right now. There are other avenues of thought! The reasons why you’re here could be limitless. I know you don’t have the best view of yourself, but you’re not some creature of evil sent to mess things up. If any entity thinks so, they’re wrong. In my opinion? You’re a good kid.”
A dry, humorless chuckle echoed throughout the cracked concrete of the Jail.
“I mean it, Akechi. Is it really so hard to believe you have good in you?”
“Please, Hasegawa,” Akechi continued laughing, “It’s not that I can’t believe, it’s that I already know.”
He was silent after that, the sardonic smile falling off his face and his gaze casting downwards.
Zenkichi waited tensely, unsure of what to say.
After a moment, Zenkichi heard the softest murmur possible, “‘Good kids don’t drive their mothers to suicide.”
What.
“Akechi, what?”
He was silent. Zenkichi was about to ask again, because really, he must have misheard that, when Akechi took a breath and continued speaking.
“For the longest time, I blamed Shido. I blamed him because I couldn’t handle the truth. Shido wasn’t there to push her over the edge. I was.”
“Akechi, no-”
“From the moment I was born, I was a curse. Unwanted, spiteful, evil. Really, the perfect candidate in every way. I wanted to bring the world down to my level. The best part? Yaldabaoth didn’t make me do anything I did, he chose me because I was already on the path to destruction. It’s funny, Shido may have had his heart changed, but his evils will never be erased so long as I’m here. So pathetic the gods keep bringing me back to continue the joke.” Akechi rasped. “People like that can’t change. They can only poison. I was born with blood on my hands, and she was the first victim.
“She was beautiful, Hasegawa. I saw how my existence wore on her. I ruined her. I wanted her to do the impossible: I wanted her to love me. I didn’t know my nature back then, so I chased her affection. She sent me away countless times, and yet I always came back. So she only had one more option. ”
“Akechi, please-”
“I tormented her everyday, Hasegawa. My own mother. Don’t you see? I don’t bring good to the world. I never have. You can’t see the good in me, because there isn’t any.”
“Stop. Just stop. Stop saying those things about yourself, stop using that damn calm voice!” Zenkichi didn’t mean to yell, but the grief he felt for this kid was too visceral. “Akechi, listen. Please, please listen. You’re not any of those things, you're not evil, you’re not a curse. You were just a kid. You still are a kid. I don’t know everything your mother went through, but… She made a choice. And her choice doesn’t make you unloveable, Akechi. It just means that both of you were human. Hurt, and sad, and tragically human.
“And I’m sorry no one helped you when they should have. I’m sorry you were all alone. There is evil in this world, I know. But you’re not part of it. You’re a victim too, just like your mom.”
“Could you tell that to the dozens of families grieving a life that I snuffed out? Would you be able to tell them that I’m pure and innocent and capable of being loved?”
“You’re not innocent, I know that. You’ve done unspeakable things, and there’s a lot of people who will never forgive you. But that doesn’t mean you’re evil incarnate! There’s good in you, I’ve seen it. No matter how hard you push it away, I know you want to be good too.”
“That doesn’t mean anything! All I do is take good things away, never making up for any of it myself, so it doesn’t matter what I ‘want to be’! If my nature is to be a snake, the best thing for me to do is disappear.”
“But you didn’t just disappear. I’ve seen Kurusu grieve for you. You’ve helped me a lot since coming back. Good and evil aren’t simple transactions, and human nature isn’t cut and dry. Akechi, you’ve been working to change, making an effort to help. I’ll say it as many times as it takes. Evil doesn’t feel remorse. You suffer under its weight. Even if you can’t believe me now, one day I want to show you the impact you’ve had on others.”
Akechi didn’t say any more after that. But Zenkichi could hear his thoughts since he was in control. Doubt and hope. Loathing and longing. Realization wasn’t going to be a singular moment for Akechi. It was going to be a long process of many conversations, with no sudden feeling of clarity and acceptance. All he could do was try to make it easier day by day.
“If some evil god sent you, we’ll sic the Thieves on it. Wouldn’t be their first time, right? Hell, I’ll even join in myself!” Zenkichi declared. “You’re not a burden or a tool, you’re a person. Got that?”
Akechi remained silent for a bit. Zenkichi waited tensely for a response.
“...Thank you, Hasegawa, for saying all of that. While I’m sure the universe itself disagrees, it… was somewhat relieving to hear.”
“That’s all I ask for.” Zenkichi smiled.