Archive of Our Own ^beta

+44 20 7234 3456: I am going to kill you when I see you.

+44 51 8910 6144: Wtf? Who is this?!

+44 20 7234 3456: Quit messing around Ron. I can’t believe what you said in the middle of Professor Snapes class! You know he hates me! He’ll probably tell him what you said just to make me miserable!

+44 51 8910 6144: ... do you go to Hogwarts?

+44 20 7234 3456: Shit. Is this really not Ron?

+44 51 8910 6144: If you mean Ron Weasley then no, I am not that red headed disaster.

+44 20 7234 3456: Oi! Watch what you say, Ron’s my best mate.

+44 51 8910 6144: Oh? Do you frequently start conversations with your best mates off with death threats?

+44 51 8910 6144: For that matter, do you not save your best mates’ phone numbers in your contacts?

+44 20 7234 3456: 1. Yes I do frequently threaten the lives of my friends, that’s my love language. And for 2. I’ll have you know that I got a new phone and thought I memorized Ron’s number but I guess not...

+44 20 7234 3456: Hey who is this anyway?

+44 51 8910 6144: If I told you I’d have to kill you.

+44 20 7234 3456: LMAO, I thought you didn’t like death threats?

+44 51 8910 6144: They’re my love language too.

+44 20 7234 3456: You’re funny. Cmon, what’s your name?

+44 51 8910 6144: Perhaps I’ll tell you my name if you tell me what Weasley said about you in Professor Snapes class.

+44 20 7234 3456: UGH. Don’t remind me. Jesus. It was so embarrassing. I still have to kill him.

+44 51 8910 6144: I can help you.

+44 20 7234 3456: I like you, mystery man.

+44 20 7234 3456: ... you are a bloke, right? You text like a bloke.

+44 20 7234 3456: No offense if you’re a girl.

+44 51 8910 6144: I am a bloke. I assume, if you’re friends with Weasley, that you’re also a bloke.

+44 20 7234 3456: Oi, what’s that mean? Ron has friends who are girls.

+44 51 8910 6144: Please imagine my scoff that is incredibly difficult to convey through text. Ronald Weasley has one female friend, Granger, and I think that’s only because they’re desperately and secretly in love.

+44 20 7234 3456: ... yeah, that’s fair.

+44 51 8910 6144: So will you tell me what he said that is going to cause us to murder him?

+44 20 7234 3456: Ooh, us? Are we a team now?

+44 51 8910 6144: Don’t get carried away. I’ll help anyone commit a murder- as long as I know why we’re killing them.

+44 20 7234 3456: He brought up this bloke I fancy, and Snape heard him and now he’s going to use this information against me for the rest of my high school life. So clearly, Ronald Weasley must die.

+44 51 8910 6144: Fuck. Is this Hermione Granger?

+44 20 7234 3456: What? No? Why would you think that?

+44 51 8910 6144: Well Weasley only has one female friend so either you’re Granger or you’re gay.

+44 20 7234 3456: Does it matter if I’m gay? Oh, fuck, you’re like a homophobic asshole aren’t you?

+44 51 8910 6144: Don’t be ridiculous. I was just stating facts. If Weasley talked about you fancying a bloke then you’re either Granger or gay. That wasn’t a judgement- it was a fact.

+44 20 7234 3456: Oh, my bad. Yeah, I’m gay.

+44 51 8910 6144: Iiiinteresting. So, who is the bloke you fancy that Professor Snape is going to supposedly use against you for the rest of your high school career?

+44 20 7234 3456: Oh yeah, I’m going to tell a complete stranger that. You could be Draco Malfoy for all I know.

+44 51 8910 6144: Please, as if Draco could carry on a conversation this long without mentioning his hair or his father.

+44 20 7234 3456: LMAO, you’re right.

+44 51 8910 6144: Sooo, who is it?

+44 20 7234 3456: Nope. Not a chance.

+44 51 8910 6144: Okay new question- who is this?

+44 20 7234 3456: You tell me and I’ll tell you.

+44 51 8910 6144: No dice.

+44 20 7234 3456: Give me a hint then, puh-leaaaase?

+44 51 8910 6144: I’ll give you two hints but I expect the same.

+44 20 7234 3456: Deal. I’ll even go first.

+44 20 7234 3456: Hint One: I’m on the soccer team.

+44 20 7234 3456: Hint Two: My best class is P.E.

+44 51 8910 6144: Everyone’s best class is PE.

+44 20 7234 3456: But does everyone have a 115% in the course?

+44 51 8910 6144: How tf did you get 115%?! Hooch must be playing favorites!

+44 20 7234 3456: It’s a secret I’ll take to the grave.

+44 20 7234 3456: Your turn.

+44 51 8910 6144: Fine. My best course is History and I am in the chess club.

+44 20 7234 3456: Lmao, you’re a swot? Nice.

+44 51 8910 6144: And you’re a brainless jock? Nice.

+44 20 7234 3456: Oi! I am not brainless you arse. I happen to be mediocre in all classes except chemistry but that’s only because Snape hates me. And I called you a swot as a compliment.

+44 51 8910 6144: Sure, sure.

+44 20 7234 3456: Honest! The bloke i fancy is a total swot too. I think he’s even in the chess club.

+44 51 8910 6144: ... you know there are only six guys in chess club right?

+44 20 7234 3456: ... fuck. No, I did not know that. Ron makes it sound like it’s a really popular club.

+44 51 8910 6144: So it’s either Weasley, Boot, Corner, Macmillan, Zabini, or Nott.

+44 20 7234 3456: God I hate Macmillan.

+44 51 8910 6144: And it’s not Weasley either, I presume? So that leaves Boot, Corner, Zabini, or Nott.

+44 20 7234 3456: Remember when we were guessing each other’s names? Let’s go back to that.

+44 51 8910 6144: Okay, I think this is either Dean Thomas, Seamus Finnigan, or Harry Potter.

+44 20 7234 3456: Jesus Christ. You are good. How’d you narrow it down so quick?

+44 51 8910 6144: Weasley only has so many gay, male, friends who play soccer.

+44 20 7234 3456: I don’t think I like this game anymore.

+44 51 8910 6144: So the question is: do you wear glasses or are you Irish or did you once pants your friend in the middle of lunch?

+44 20 7234 3456: LMAO, I forgot Dean did that. Man that was hilarious. Ron was so pissed.

+44 51 8910 6144: So do you wear glasses or are you Irish?

+44 20 7234 3456: I could be Dean Thomas.

+44 51 8910 6144: Dean is not nearly cunning enough to refer to himself by name to throw me off his trail.

+44 20 7234 3456: You’re a bit of a dick, you know that right?

+44 20 7234 3456: Are you Michael, Terry, Theo, or Blaise?

+44 51 8910 6144: Touché. I’ll give you a free hint: I have never dated a girl at our school.

+44 20 7234 3456: LMAO, so are you Terry, Theo, or Blaise?

+44 51 8910 6144: I refuse to answer until you tell me if you are Irish or not.

+44 20 7234 3456: Well I refuse to answer.

+44 51 8910 6144: Will you tell me which of the four in chess club are your secret love?

+44 20 7234 3456: Never said I loved him, you arse. I said I fancy him. Bit of a difference, isn’t there?

+44 51 8910 6144: Fair enough. What do you fancy about him?

+44 20 7234 3456: Oh I dunno, he’s cute and snarky and smart and I hear him crack jokes with his friends sometimes and he’s rather funny. He just seems... I dunno, like someone I’d like to be with. Like we’d be... I dunno, in love eventually.

+44 51 8910 6144: Oh God. You’re a romantic jock.

+44 20 7234 3456: Fuck off. You’re clearly not in a relationship are you Mister Cynical?

+44 51 8910 6144: I happen to be single by choice. Not because of some inherent lack of romanticism.

+44 20 7234 3456: Lmao, okay sure. So you aren’t Blaise.

+44 51 8910 6144: How on Earth did you come to that conclusion?

+44 20 7234 3456: Well Blaise is probably the most romantic bloke in school. Always trying to woo someone. So I figure you aren’t Blaise.

+44 51 8910 6144: You are more than a brainless jock aren’t you? I’m not Blaise. Is he your mystery bloke?

+44 20 7234 3456: Well right now you’re my mystery bloke. ;)

+44 51 8910 6144: Gee, be still my beating heart. I can’t imagine why he hasn’t fallen at your feet with lines like that one.

+44 20 7234 3456: Fuck off. I haven’t exactly tried to woo him yet, have I?

+44 51 8910 6144: Why not?

+44 20 7234 3456: Why not what?

+44 51 8910 6144: Don’t play daft. Why haven’t you tried wooing him?

+44 20 7234 3456: Er, well, I guess because I dunno if he’d even be interested? I mean, he’s cute and smart and funny and there’s probably a whole ton of guys he’d rather be with.

+44 51 8910 6144: Don’t be insecure. Even if you’re Finnigan I’m sure you could strum up some of that courage and talk with him.

+44 20 7234 3456: Wow, that was so inspiring. I truly feel like I can do anything now.

+44 51 8910 6144: I hate you so much.

+44 20 7234 3456: Then why are you texting me?

+44 51 8910 6144: I finished my homework, I have nothing to do, and trying to guess your identity and the target of your affection is amusing me.

+44 20 7234 3456: You narrowed that down yet?

+44 51 8910 6144: Yes- Blaise or Nott is your oh so secret crush.

+44 20 7234 3456: Holy fuck. How’d you narrow it down to two?

+44 51 8910 6144: Boots a pompous asshole. Corner is bisexual and currently sniffing after Ginerva Weasley.

+44 20 7234 3456: Damn. You’re good.

+44 20 7234 3456: Wait- is this Theo??

+44 51 8910 6144: ... fuck. Set myself up for that one, didn’t I?

+44 20 7234 3456: Er, yeah. You did.

+44 51 8910 6144: Okay well then you tell me if you’re Finnigan or Potter?

+44 20 7234 3456: What’s your final guess?

+44 51 8910 6144: Finnigan.

+44 20 7234 3456: Lol, okay, why?

+44 51 8910 6144: Potter is too cocky, confident, and self-assured to worry about someone turning him down. Everyone else had major gay panic coming out of the closet but that arsehole just showed up one day; said ‘I’m gay’ and everyone was fine with it.

+44 20 7234 3456: BULLSHIT. My relatives literally kicked me out when I came out. Fuck you.

+44 51 8910 6144: Potter?

+44 20 7234 3456: Fuck off.

+44 51 8910 6144: I didn’t know that. I’m sorry.

+44 51 8910 6144: Are you alright?

+44 51 8910 6144: Harry?

***

“Nott?”

Harry looked up from his lunch at the arrival of someone sitting across from him at his lunch table.

“Hey.” Theo grinned, albeit a little nervously, and began fidgeting with his utensils. “I wanted to apologize.”

Harry gave him a cold look and snorted, “Apology accepted, goodbye.”

“No, really, I’m sorry.” He looked morosely down at his food and Harry felt his stomach give a painful twinge that he was making him look that way.

“I just always see you in the halls and you look so happy and relaxed and so comfortable being yourself, you know? I had no idea and I’m sorry.”

“Welll,” Harry drew out. “‘Spose I’m a good actor. Also I blame your lack of romanticism,” he waggled his brows and drew out a surprised laugh from Theo.

“You’re obnoxious,” Theo said fondly.

Harry grinned at him, feeling all sorts of new flips in his stomach. “Am not. I have it on good authority that I’m confident, happy, and self-assured.”

Theo relaxed more at Harry’s teasing tone and picked up his apple.

“Soo- me or Blaise?”

Harry nearly choked on his sandwich, he’d forgotten that he was actually talking to Theodore Nott about his ridiculous crush last night.

“Er, I plead the fifth.”

“We live in England, Harry,” Theo said drily. “I believe that’s an American Amendment.”

Harry ruffled his hair and grinned sheepishly, “Well maybe the Queen should adopt that idea, seems like a good one.”

Theo stared evenly at him for a moment and Harry had the uncomfortable feeling that he was being mentally x-rayed.

“Do you...” Theo trailed off quietly before clearing his throat and trying again, “Would you like to go downtown with me tonight? If not, I can get you Blaises number,” he hastily added.

Harry gaped at him before slowly smiling.

“Aww, Theo,” he said sweetly. “And here I thought you weren’t romantic. Going downtown together? What’s next, a formal courting and declaration of love?”

Theo, who had been biting his thumbnail huffed and rolled his eyes.

“Jesus,” he moaned. “You’re going to be the most annoying boyfriend in the whole bloody country, aren’t you?”

Harry laughed as he blew him a kiss from across the table.

“The country? My dear Theo, I plan on being the most annoying, dramatic, and romantic boyfriend in the entire world.”

Theo rolled his eyes again but Harry didn’t miss the pleased glimmer in them.

“Fine, now let’s plot out Weasley’s murder...”