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2021-11-16
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All he wanted to do was make shitty coffee and get bank, not get adopted

Summary:

Tommy just wanted to run his coffee shop in peace. He just wants to quietly make bank and live his life.

And yeah maybe it was a long shot given his coffee shop is the neutral ground for the vigilantes, heroes, and villains on the most battle city active street in the city.

But still a boy can dream.

So you can’t blame him for being shocked when some of the villains he knew were actually ya know villains.

Look Tommy just wanted to make coffee not be forcibly adopted.

Notes:

I wrote this at 2 AM so if this is bad then whoopsie daisy.

(Civilian Tommy who gets pulled into heroes, vigilantes, and villains bullshit our beloved)

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Don’t ask him how this happened because Tommy has no fucking clue. All he wanted to do was own a tiny coffee shop and make enough money to survive.

How was he to know that his shop would basically become a neutral ground in the middle of the most battle active street in the city.

Yeah exactly. No one could have predicted this shit.

Look all he wants to do is make fucking bank and go about his day in peace.

But here he is with one of his most annoying regulars standing behind the counter humming away and giving him a cheeky wave as the street gets destroyed behind him.

Tommy rested his head lightly on the cool counter of the coffee shop he works at and sighs. “Why just- just why?”

“Why what?,” fucking Siren of all people said from across the counter. Bitch was fully suited up and everything.

“You know what I mean you dick,” Tommy huffed.

“Because I wanted to,” Siren hummed lightly, picking at his gloves.

Tommy raised his head and stared at him unimpressed. “You mean you were bored,” Tommy deadpans.

“Well that too,” Siren huffed as he dropped his arms.

“Aw, was the Blade bullying you again?,” Tommy teased as he started to make the prick's usual order. Bitch boy showed up like clockwork every day.

Siren made a noise in the back of his throat. “He was! Oh toms I was basically being attacked.”

Tommy pauses his hand on top of the caramel syrup he was pumping and stared at Siren blankly. Then he looked past him through the window where the Syndicate was fighting with The Dream Team in the street. Tommy turned his gaze back to Siren and raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

“Okay so I was being literally attacked too,” Siren huffed.

“God you’re so fucking dramatic,” Tommy pointed out with a snort as he started to finish the drink. “You’re such a theatre kid.”

Siren made a noise in the back of his throat in complaint. “I’d be a theatre man, you absolute gremlin.”

Tommy rolled his eyes as he finished the drink quickly and slid it across the counter. He then slid a couple of cookies as well. “You’re gonna have to beg for forgiveness after this,” Tommy explained in an amused tone.

Siren paused before he nodded frantically. “You are very very right.”

Tommy swiped the card when offered it and handed it back. “Please go finish your fight,” Tommy sighed. “And don’t come back.”

Siren took the pastry bag and the extravagant coffee order and shot Tommy a shit eating grin. “Nah. See you tomorrow child!,” he called as he left the coffee shop.

Tommy just sighed with a smile on his face. What a weird theatrical asshole and somewhat of a good person despite being a villain.

Still though it would be nice if he stopped harassing Tommy. He genuinely doesn’t get paid enough for this shit.

The next day The Blade waltzes in and stands awkwardly in front of the counter. Tommy patiently waits as he scans the menu board and tries not to snort when eventually he orders the same thing he always does.

“So no Siren?,” Tommy asks with amusement laced in his tone as he pours the coffee in the large cup and starts putting in 3 espresso shots and a tiny splash of creamer.

The Blade snorts. “Yeah no. He’s grounded for the stunt he pulled yesterday.”

Tommy snickers as he finishes up the order. “Oh man I’m gonna tease the ever loving shit out of him over this for ages.”

The Blade rolled his eyes behind his bone mask and let out a fond huff. “Sure kid.”

Tommy pushed the coffee cup across the counter with an eye roll. “Siren’s literally grounded if anyone is a child it’s him,” Tommy deadpans.

The Blade snorts again and swipes his card. “You’re still a child but fair point.” Then he wordlessly shoved countless dollar bills into Tommy’s tip jar. “See you soon. Try not to die or else I’ll be subjected to Siren’s endless whining.”

Tommy snorted as he rolled his eyes. “Oh no the horror,” he said in a sarcastic tone causing the villain to laugh slightly.

The Blade shot him an awkward two finger salute before leaving. Tommy watched him go with endless amusement. Man for such an imposing badass he was so fucking awkward.

Tommy sat back as he ran a hand down his face. He’ll never truly get used to the fact that all sorts of vigilantes, heroes, and villains causally waltz right into his shop.

Fucking wild.

Wednesday’s are always busy for some fucking reasons. Tommy watches with weary amusement as heroes and villains alike perch around the tables and glare at each other as they sip their drinks and eat their pastries.

It never fails to make Tommy want to laugh hysterically at the sight. Badasses and murderers eating cookies and croissants he made while staring each other down. It’s fucking hysterical.

Tommy blinked when the door to his shop opened and the little bell chimed. “Hello I’m Tommy what can I-,”

Tommy's customary greeting was paused when a gun was held in front of his forehead. Tommy just blinked as everyone in the room froze and it became dead silent.

“Give me all the fucking money now,” the man snarled.

Tommy’s never seen him around so it had to be a random burglar. “Listen I don’t think you want to do that,” Tommy warned as the man puffed up more. Across the room all the villains and heroes started to slowly get up.

The man shoved his gun more into Tommy’s forehead. “Last warning,” Tommy called.

“You little shit you listen to me when I-,”

The bitch didn’t even finish before Tommy’s arm shot up and he grabbed the man’s wrist and snapped it harshly. He then casually hopped across the counter and pinned the man to the floor with his arm locked behind his back in a smooth movement. Tommy kicked the gun further away. The man whimpered.

“Oh shut up,” Tommy said as he rolled his eyes. “I gave you a warning, you pussy.” Then he looked up to see Quackity the vigilante, The Angel the villain, George and Sapnap the heroes, and Karl the antihero staring at him all speechless. “Well? Aren’t you gonna help me?,” Tommy asked, raising an eyebrow.

George and Sapnap immediately rushed forward and Tommy got off the guy and let him go before standing up. He brushed himself off as the two started to pull the man out while they grumbled about not finishing their cakes.

“Holy shit kid,” Quackity laughed breathlessly.

Tommy tilted his head and gave him a confused look. “What?”

“We just didn’t expect all of - you know- all of that,” The Angel finished as the rest of the shop nodded in agreement.

“Well that’s fucking stupid,” Tommy said with an eye roll. “You think I’d be a neutral ground for literally some of the most dangerous people in the city and not know how to take care of myself?”

They all blushed and looked away at the teen’s unimpressed look.

“Unbelievable,” Tommy huffed with an eye roll.

“Man Blade’s gonna be mad he missed this,” The Angel snorted.

Tommy groaned as he realized something. “Angel- Angel please don’t tell Siren.”

The asshole only laughed at Tommy’s misery. “Sorry mate, you know I have to.”

“He’s gonna be so obnoxious and clingy though,” Tommy whined.

“You’ll survive,” Karl assured from the corner with a snort.

“Yeah kid,” Quackity added. “Besides when isn’t he?”

Tommy gave them all a pleading look. “He is a clingy bastard but it’s like- it’s dialed up to 100 after shit like this.”

Karl snickered as he finished his fudge brownie. He offered Tommy a nod before saying in a solemn tone. “Rest in pieces Tommy.”

Tommy only groaned as they erupted into laughter.

And sure enough the next day Siren fucking bolted into his shop. Tommy was minding his own business and wiping down the tables when he was pulled into a bone crushing hug.

Tommy wheezed as Siren tried to snap his spine. “Fucking bitch.”

“Idiot child,” Siren shot back as he held Tommy a little less tighter but still extremely close. “You could have gotten hurt.”

Tommy looked up and shot The Blade a pleading glance from where the man entered the shop and was standing by the door.

“You’re on your own kid,” The Blade called.

Tommy sighed. “Siren I have to-,”

“Wilbur,” Siren corrected.

Tommy blinked as The Blade groaned. “We’re doing this now? Fucking- the names Techno gremlin.”

Tommy was quite literally buffering the brand new information. While he was honored they trusted him enough to share their names he blurted out the first thought he had. “Man your names are fucking dumb. Who names their kid Techno? Or Wilbur?”

Both men laughed at that. Wilbur cackled in shock as Techno snorted.

“But seriously thanks for trusting me,” Tommy added.

“It’s no problem,” Techno hummed. “You’re a good kid.”

“Awww I think he likes you,” Wilbur teased.

“Wilbur you’re literally still hugging him,” Techno dryly pointed out.

Wilbur only tightened his grip. “And? Your point is?”

Techno only rolled his eyes with a fond sigh.

Tommy stayed still for a second before he wiggled slightly. He let out a huff as Wilbur refused to let him go. Clingy bitch. “Not that I’m not honored and shit but why share your names now?,” Tommy asked curiously.

Wilbur hummed as he rested his head on top of Tommy's, making the teenager grumble at the height difference. “We’ve known you for what- almost half of a full year now? I think it was long overdue,” Wilbur explained.

“He’s got a point, surprisingly,” Techno added, ignoring Wilbur’s annoyed noise. “Besides, it would be counterproductive if you didn’t know our names by the time we took you home.”

Tommy whipped his head to the side as much as he could from under Wilbur’s boney ass chin. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“And you berated me for sharing names? Hypocrite,” Wilbur snorted.

Tommy’s question was ignored as Techno rolled his eyes with an annoyed huff. “Oh shut up Orpheus.”

“Hi! Still here and very fucking confused,” Tommy chirped.

“It’s simple isn’t it? We’re taking you home with us,” Techno said slowly as if talking to a child.

Tommy leaned back as much as he could to stare at the man. “You can’t-,”

“Who’s gonna stop us? Your parents?,” Techno let out an amused huff. “You live alone, kid.”

“I can take care of myself,” Tommy insisted sharply.

Wilbur cooed from on top of Tommy’s head. “And we know that. But you’re still a child. Plus I sorta claimed you the day we met so this was always going to happen,” he sheepishly added.

“I- you can’t just take me home like some fucking stray dog,” Tommy snapped.

“You’re not a dog,” Techno agreed, causing Tommy to relax a bit. “But that doesn’t change the fact that Phil is waiting for us at home and expecting you.”

“Phil,” Tommy said slowly, testing out the new name.

“Phil’s gonna be so happy toms,” Wilbur sighed happily. “Seriously he’s been perfecting your room for ages now!”

There was nothing Tommy could do. Alone in his shop with two villains who were apparently forcibly adopting him and taking him home.

“My shop-,”

“Will be taken care of until you’re all settled in,” Techno assured before he stepped forward. “Wil you got him or do you want me to do it?”

Wilbur hissed at him lightly causing him to grumble. Wordlessly he shifted and picked Tommy up like he was nothing. The sixteen year old let out a yelp as Wilbur held him in place easily in an ironclad grip.

“My regulars-,” Tommy tried to argue in a shaky tone. “They’ll look for me”.

Techno let out an amused chuckle as he held the door open for Wilbur. “They already know. Seriously kid, we weren't exactly being discreet. Besides, if we didn’t hurry up Quackity or Schlatt would have snatched you up. Or maybe even Dream.”

Wilbur snarled and held Tommy tighter, making the boy wheeze. He released his grip and cooed an apology. “Sorry sorry- it’s just everybody has been racing to get you first sunshine.” Then with a smug smile that was far too sharp and so fitting for a villain he added. “But I called dibs on you first.”

Tommy’s breath hitched slightly. “What does that mean exactly?,” he weakly asked as they walked away from his shop after Techno locked it.

“Why do you think I came at the exact same time every day?,” Wilbur hummed. “Hmm? It was because of patrol routes sweetheart. Everyday my claim has been strong and apparent since day 1.”

“This was always going to happen wasn’t it?,” Tommy said in a slightly defeated tone.

Wilbur made another cooing noise, slipping his powers into his tone making Tommy relax more and feel a bit sleepy. “Oh please don’t sound so sad. It’s alright. Techno and Wilby’s got you.”

“I only called you that like four times you dick,” Tommy murmured as sleep started to drag him down.

“Wil,” Techno warned as they turned a corner stopping Wilbur’s teasing remark.

“Alright alright-,” Wilbur sighed. “Sleep,” Wilbur pushed and Tommy immediately dropped unconscious in his arms. Wilbur pouted as he now carried the asleep child.

“Stop pouting,” Techno said as he rolled his eyes. “Phil said he had to be asleep so he didn’t see the way to our house in case he tried to escape.”

“I know I know,” Wilbur huffed. “Still he’s much better company when he’s awake. Which he isn’t .”

Techno rolled his eyes again at his annoying brother. “We’re literally five minutes away. Plus he won’t be asleep for too long.”

They walked in silence before approaching a manor surrounded by iron gates. With silent steps they walked inside and were greeted by a smiling Phil out of costume. Techno walked forward and bumped their foreheads together silently before he left to change.

“Give him to me mate so you can go change,” Phil said standing in front of Wilbur holding out his arms.

Wilbur only held Tommy tighter to him and scowled at Phil. Instincts going wild at finally having the teenager safe and sound in his arms.

“Wilbur,” Phil warned lightly and Wilbur immediately folded with a grumble. Gently he handed him the teen before speed walking away.

Phil wordlessly brushed Tommy’s bangs off his forehead with a hum. Then he carefully walked up the stairs and took the teen to his room.

It was a large suite with a huge bed overflowing with pillows. A large vanity sat in the corner and a grand wardrobe sat next to it. There was a window seat covered in pillows and fuzzy blankets. Along with a TV on the wall and a desk.

Phil gently pulled back the red covers and slided the teenager under them. After tucking him in he pulled out the stuffed animal they grabbed from Tommy’s old apartment and put it under his arm. Phil cooed when Tommy cuddled the cow closer.

Phil had a satisfied smile when he pulled out his phone and snapped a picture of the adorable child. Then he sent it to a couple of people he knew would pass the picture around. Quackity, Niki, Ranboo, and Jack would share it quite quickly.

And soon word would spread that the Syndicate won.

Phil sighed as his face softened as he brushed Tommy’s bangs away again. “Welcome home,” he hummed.

Phil paid no mind to how his phone was blowing up as he was preoccupied with his new son. The door was opened and Wilbur strode in. Without a word he climbed into bed and held Tommy to his chest.

Wilbur had a soft look on his face when Tommy nuzzled closer in his sleep. “God this reminds me of one of the first times we hung out,” he hummed. “Did I ever tell you about that Phil?”

Phil smiled slightly as he shook his head. “You told me a lot of things about him mate but I don’t remember hearing about this.”

Wilbur brushed Tommy’s bangs off his forehead and kept his hand in the teens hair. “He was like an abused dog at first. So desperate to keep his distance but so sweet and wanting love,” Wilbur paused for a few seconds before he continued. “Eventually he let me get close and we started watching movies together.”

“You told me about that before,” Phil commented, sitting on the edge of the bed staring at his two sons. “You had movie marathons.”

Wilbur nodded as he resumed moving his hand. “The sixth? I think it was the sixth time when he conked out on top of me. Completely out cold. He was so sweet and I almost burst into tears,” Wilbur explained softly.

“He’s a sweetheart even if he tries to deny it,” Phil agreed.

“You do know I’m not gonna let him go right?,” Wilbur casually said in a quiet tone.

Phil laughed ever so slightly. “Mate you never do things halfway. You had your eyes on him since he cursed you out for getting blood on the floor of his shop and then ordering a stupid drink on day one.”

“I’m serious Phil,” Wilbur said as he looked up and stared at his father with a serious look. “I care about him too much. If he gets hurt because it’s just him taking care of himself I’ll lose it.”

“I know mate,” Phil assured as he reached a hand out and carefully squeezed Wilbur’s shoulder. “Me and Tech have also got attached so you don’t have to worry about that. We’ll keep him safe, Wil.”

Wilbur brushed a finger lightly across Tommy’s forehead where the gun was supposedly held against it the other day. “We better,” Wilbur murmured in a slightly dark tone. “Seriously, I think I’d kill anyone who tried to hurt him.”

“Believe me you're not alone in that,” Phil snorted. “There’s me and Tech and a whole line of the worst of the worst and the best of the best and everything in between willing to destroy the world for him.”

“Good,” Wilbur hissed quietly before he took a deep breath. “Have you checked any of the responses yet?,” he casually asked.

Phil shook his head. “Nah I haven’t bothered to yet. I should probably go check them now and make sure Techno doesn’t burn down the house. Make sure to get some sleep okay?”

“Okay dad,” Wilbur agreed, too comfy and pleased to say otherwise.

Phil placed a light kiss on Tommy and Wilbur’s foreheads before leaving the room quietly as he pulled out his phone.

Wilbur shifted to be under the covers carefully before pulling Tommy’s head under his chin. He breathed in deep and felt his instincts purr with satisfaction. “Oh sunshine, welcome home,” he whispered as he closed his eyes.

While Wilbur and Tommy slept, Phil was sitting at the kitchen counter looking at his phone with a sharp cold smile while Techno methodically chopped vegetables for dinner.

“Good news I take it,” Techno said as he shot a quick look in Phil’s direction before resuming preparing soup.

Phil hummed as he swiped through more messages with a pleased satisfied glint in his eyes. “Dream is furious and having a fit, you know how he hates losing. Quackity and his fiancés are seething and plotting, and Jack and Niki are sulking,” Phil listed off.

Techno snorted as he poured some broth and chicken stock into the large pan along with the vegetables. “Yeah that checks out,” Techno snorted. “Any of them gonna be a problem?,” he cautiously asked.

Phil tilted his head and shot Techno a calculating look. “The Dream Team doesn’t like losing so they're our biggest threat. Also Quackity poses a threat since he cares deeply for Tommy.”

“We can work with that,” Techno murmured after a few seconds of silence to think.

“We can and we will,” agreed Phil. “Wilbur will stay with Tommy as he gets more adjusted and we’ll work from there.”

“Sounds like a good plan,” Techno acknowledged with a pleased hum as he finished adding the final ingredients into his soup as he placed the top of the pan on to let it simmer. “So on a scale of one to ten how bad are Wilbur’s instincts?,” Techno casually asked with amusement in his tone.

Phil sighed fondly as he looked towards the stairs. “Honestly? Not as bad as I thought they were going to be. A solid 6-7 right now.”

Techno whistled begrudgingly impressed by his younger brother. “Damn.”

“He’ll be glued to Tommy’s side for a while-,”

“Not like that’s anything new,” Techno interrupted with a snort.

“- but that benefits us. Wilbur will guard Tommy and Tommy will settle Wilbur’s instincts. It’s a win win,” Phil announced smugly.

“Sounds good to me,” Techno hummed as he started to wash some of his dishes.

“Besides,” Phil said in a slightly amused tone. “I have a feeling things are going to get pretty interesting around here.”

“With a lanky feral child, a bloodthirsty possessive siren, an anarchist, and you?,” Techno paused to laugh briefly. “Yeah it’ll be interesting all right.”

And true to Phil’s predictions it was quite interesting.

Once the threats to their family were dealt with and Tommy got more settled and stopped trying to run things got fun.

Still though it would be great though if other superheroes, villains, and vigilantes would stop trying to steal Tommy from them.

But ah well. There was already blood on the Syndicates ledger so why not add some more.

After all, what's more important than family.

Notes:

I love the idea that Tommy is just out there minding his own business and one day he just gets yoinked. Forcibly adopted.

Plus dark SBI is such a fun concept.