Chapter Text
Tess
Hen and I come down via the tubes and see pieces of the ceiling on the floor.
"Hey."
"Hi Henry and Teresa!" Where did that come from.
"Whoa, what th— Why is Schwoz—" Uncle Ray shoots at the ceiling again.
"Ha! Missed me, missed me! You are very stooooopid."
"Those are not the lyrics!" Another shot at the ceiling.
"Ow, my shoe!!!" Schwoz's shoe lands on the floor.
"Okay, what is going on?"
"Schwoz won't give Ray the launch key to his little rocket ship."
"Well why won't he--Schwoz has a rocket ship?"
"It's called the Love Shuttle!"
"Why did Schwoz build a Love Shuttle?"
"For his honeymoon."
"Yeah he says that when he gets married, he wants to have his honeymoon on the actual moon."
"Don't be ridiculous, Schwoz. You're never getting married." Another shot to the ceiling. Uncle Ray needs to aim better.
"It could happen! There's women out there who'll take anybody!"
"Ahhhh! Gimme that key!" Ray starts shooting at the ceiling.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" Pieces of the ceiling fall on the floor.
"I think you might be overreacting."
"May I?" Char takes the blaster and aims it at Schwoz.
"No no wait, Charlotte, don't--ahhh!" Schwoz falls.
"Ha! You...You shot his butt."
"Owww..." Jasp comes down the elevator.
"Hey! Did you guys hear?!? There's a hostage situation up in space!"
"We heard."
"We're aware."
"Well...did you know that one of the astronauts is from Swellview?!?" I'm assuming that Jasp hadn't check the news until recently.
"Yessss."
"Yeah, Jim Dickle."
"Ohh...Well, did you know I was born with eleven toes, but only nine on my feet?"
"What'd he say?"
"Eleven?"
"Yeah. Who's got news now?" Something is beeping.
"I'll check that." Char goes to the computers and answers the alert.
"Hey, shouldn't you be up at Junk 'N' Stuff, watching the store?"
"Well, I have to use the bathroom, but the one upstairs is broken."
"That's why we told you to use the bathroom across the street, at the gas station."
"I'm no longer welcome at that gas station." Jasp, what did you do to their bathrooms?
"Uh-ohhh. You guys...the space station's gonna be orbiting over Swellview in one hour."
"So?"
"What does that mean?"
"That if you guys don't head up there soon, you'll have to wait another 24 hours. And by then it may be too late!"
"Come on, we have to help those astronauts, at least the one from Swellview."
"C'mon, Schwoz. Give us the key to your Love Shuttle."
"Wait, why doesn't NASA just send up someone up there to help the astronauts?"
"Yah. Call NASA."
"No no no no no no, NASA just sent a supply rocket to the space station two days ago. It'll take 'em six months to get another one ready to send up."
"Well, can't we borrow a rocket from China?"
"No! No! I am not getting inside a Chinese rocket ever again!" Ook.
"Hey, c'mon Schwoz. Let us use your Love Shuttle."
"Yeah. You're never gonna need it."
"I will! For when I get married!"
"Oh, to what, Schwoz?!? What's gonna marry you?"
"Even that robot girlfriend you built for yourself, Gerta, even she left you." I wonder how Gerta is doing now since she left.
"Nooo...we...we're just taking a break."
"Oh come on!"
"She turned herself into a bird, Schwoz! Then she flew away!"
"She isn't coming back, Schwoz!"
"When did that happen?"
"Last season."
"So you mean winter."
"Yeah, that's what I meant."
"Look, buddy..."
'D'ah-don't choke me."
"Are you planning to marry someone in the next...ten hours?"
"Well, I don't plan to, no."
"Okay, so, just lend us your Love Shuttle, and we'll bring it right back."
"You promise to be careful with it?"
"We both promise."
"Now give us the launch key!"
"Okaaaay. Hold out your hand." Uncle Ray holds out his hand and Schwoz tries upchucks into his hand? Schwoz ate the key?
"Oh my God..."
"I can't watch this...but I can't look away..."
"What are you doing?" Schwoz spits it out.
"Awww."
"Gross."
"It's wet."
"That's the launch key."
"All right, Jasper. Looks like Captain Man needs your help."
"Sure! Anything! What do you need?" Uncle Ray uses Jasp's shirt...
"You're a good boy."
Later
The rocket is up and ready. Uncle Ray and Hen are already in the rocket. Schwoz, Char, Jasp, and I all have headsets on.
"Okay Henry. I'm now going to insert the key into the console."
"Uh...okay." Ray--UNCLE Ray inserts the key and it turns on.
"I did it."
"Great." Uncle Ray and Hen pop a gumball.
"You are aboard the Love Shuttle. Welcome, Schwoz, and..."
"Woman's name."
"Prepare for your honeymoon." Music starts to play. This so creepy and weird to listen. Schwoz, Uncle Ray, and Hen start to dance to the music.
"Schwoz...Schwoz... How do I turn this love music off?!?"
"Aw, c'mon... Love music isn't for turning off. It's for turning on." Ew, Schwoz!
"I got it." Uncle Ray turns the music off.
"All right, Henry and Ray...we pre-set the flight computer to automatically take you to the space station."
"Copy that. And we are...prepped for launch."
"Hey Kid. Let's go to space and kick some ace."
"Ha ha. To the stars." Uncle Ray and Hen transform into Captain Man and Kid Danger.
"Hey...Pretty cool."
"Yeah, I've never done that sitting down before. "
"Yeah, I wasn't sure if it was gonna work."
"It's pretty good right?"
"Yeah, but it did work."
"All right, you guys. I just wanted to say...be careful up there."
"Roger that."
"We copy."
"'Cuz you two are the only Ray and Henry I have."
"Thanks."
"Okay then."
"And...I've never said this out loud before, but..."
"Don't do this."
"Please don't."
"I just wanted you guys to know that--"
"Hit it."
"Yeah. Launching." Hen presses the launch button they take off. Here we go. Sending the town's hero and sidekick into space.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
"We're going to space!!!"
"I know! It's so fun!"
"Woooooooo!!!!!!"
"Haha!"
Later
Uncle Ray and Hen have just landed in Space and are orbiting towards the space station.
"Space, 'the final frontier.'"
"What does that mean?"
"Y'know... 'the final frontier'... last place in the universe that mankind hasn't explored yet. Space! Ahhhh..."
"What about oceans?"
"Huh?'
"Oceans. I mean, we haven't explored all parts of the oceans yet. So, aren't they an unexplored frontier? Oceans."
"Okay, fine. Space, 'one of the two final frontiers.' Ahhhhhhh..."
"What about parallel universes?"
"What?"
"Remember that time that Charlotte, Tess, and I went to that parallel universe?"
"I suppose."
"Well, there's probably lots more parallel universes, that none of us have explored, so I guess you could say--"
"Space! 'One of the many, many remaining frontiers.'"
"Yeah... I like cartoons."
Later again
"I'm sick of just sitting here.
"Yeah, well, Schwoz said that we should be at the space station pretty soon--"
"I wonder what these buttons do." Uncle Ray! No! Uncle Ray starts to mess with the buttons.
"No wait, no wait, dude, what are you doin? Don't start pushing random--" Hen's chair starts to vibrate?
"What's happening?"
"Ahahahahaha!"
"What's happening?"
"You made my chair start to vibraaaaaaaaaaaaate."
"Aw...No fair! I wanna vibrate!"
"It's niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice." Since the shuttle was meant for when Schwoz ever gets married, I have a feeling those chairs were meant to vibrate for a different reason. Uncle Ray keeps hitting buttons until his starts to vibrate.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, yeahhhhhhhhhhh..."
"Feels goooooooooooooooooood..."
"Hey! My voice sounds weird. Listen, aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh..." We hear a crash. Meaning they just docked at the space station.
"Ahhh!"
"D'oh!"
"What happened?"
"They just docked with the space station."
"Hey Schwoz, I think we just docked with the space station."
"Oh really? My goodness, thanks for the information."
"Okay, you have a solid pressure lock, so you are good to enter the space station."
"Ten-four good Charlotte."
"We ten-ten on the side." Uncle Ray and Hen take off their headsets. They set their weapons and head into the space station. Hopefully they're ok. I pull out my phone to look at the news.
"As you know, earlier today, the international space station was spacejacked, by an unknown space-jacker."
"Oh my God...again?!"
"No, Mary. We're talking about the same incident we reported in earlier."
"Ah. Back to you, Trent."
"At this time, NASA officials are reporting no change in the situation. Which means: there's no new information to report. I repeat: no new information to report." Then why are they live if there's nothing new to report?
"Now Trent...even though there's no new news right now, I'm assuming there could be some news about the space station later?"
"Uh, yeah Mary. Actually, later, there 'could be' news about almost anything."
"That's right, Trent. Trent?" The report ends. It's been a while since the last time we heard from Ray--Uncle Ray and Hen. Hope they're ok.
"Love Shuttle to Man Cave. Love Shuttle to Man Cave." The feed switches from the space station to Hen in the Love Shuttle.
"It's Henry!" The others put their headsets back on.
"Charlotte, Schwoz...do you read me?"
"Hey Henry!"
"Yah, we see and hear you."
"Listen. We're loading up the Love Shuttle with bunnies. And a girl."
"Bunnies and a girl?"
"Is the girl married?"
"No, she's eleven. Look, I'll explain everything when I get back."
"But-but wait... the Love Shuttle can only hold two peoples."
"Uh...Well, now we're three peoples and six bunnies, so we're gonna have to figure out some--"
"Hey Kid! We're missing a bunny!"
"I'm sorry. I gotta go. Schwoz, plot a course for us, back to Earth."
"Aye." Hen takes off his headset and heads back into the space station. Schwoz is now plotting a course for Earth for them. Looks like there's going to be now five people and six bunnies coming back to Earth. Why is Uncle Ray on the outside of the shuttle?
"Aww...Look at that."
"Yah."
"Wait...what's that, stuck to the side of the Love Shuttle?"
"That would be Uncle Ray."
"Okay...they're reentering the Earth's atmosphere." The shuttle lands and they're back on Earth. This was a very long day.
A couple of days later-Man Cave
Hen and I come down the elevator.
"Oh! Good! They're here. Let's get started."
"Aye aye."
"Uh hey! Wait...guys, I and I think Tess didn't get any lunch at school. Can we order some like, Chinese food?"
"What?"
"I want some a'those uh... oh whaddaya call 'em? They're like uh...Chinese dumplings...?"
"Oh...you mean wom-pons." I'm sorry, what?
"Yeah. Noooo..."
"Won-tons--he means won-tons, not 'wom-pons.'"
"I did my best to say it right."
"Whatever, can we order some?"
"Not now. It's time for my bi-yearly quantitative physiological densitization test." I have no idea what he just said.
"I understood the word 'test.'"
"It's a test to make sure I'm still totally indestructible."
"Mmmmmmmm... Can we order some won-tons first?"
"No. You two see that machine over there?"
"Yeah..."
"It's gonna shoot baseballs at ya'."
"What? Why me?"
"Because! Because of your new super power."
"Ya, your hyper-mutilatiew..."
"Okay. It's called hypermotility."
"Hypermutebeuel--"
"Okay, can we move in!?! Can we move on?"
"Schwoz, show him your bat." Schwoz goes to grab the bat and I sit on the stairs that lead up to the sprocket.
"His...his what?" Schwoz shows Hen the bat.
"You see...when you see the balls a-comin', you use this a-base-a-ball bat to swing-svat the balls."
"Yep. Then Schwoz is gonna measure the speed of the base-a'balls, and then after I get hit, I tell him when my pain stops and I feel oh-kay."
"And then I use a mathematical equation to determine how indestructible Ray is."
"I just want like five won-tons."
"Jiaozi for me." They look at me weird.
"Pot Stickers."
"You two can have some won-tons and Jiaozi after we do this!"
"Aaaahhh! Right..."
"I'm gonna go stand here by the elevator. That's what I'm gonna do." Uncle Ray walks over to the elevator. Schwoz puts on a helmet.
"What's that for?"
"To protect a-my face from stray balls. Okay. Henry, take this base-a'ball bat..."" Schwoz turns the bat on and hands it to Hen.
"Whoa, what kinda baseball bat is this?"
"It's a thermal fusion bat I made myself."
"Can you make thermal fusion won-tons?"
"C'mon Henry, just get over there." Hen gets in position.
"Okay, let's test one."
"Go for it."
"Ready Henry?"
"Yeah go."
"SCHPITZ!!!" Ball shoots out, Hen hits it, and hits the elevator.
"HAHAHAHA! MISSED ME, MISSED ME, NOW YA GOTTA KI..."
"Now I gotta what?"
"Nothin', forget it."
"No no no no, now I gotta what?"
"No, I changed my mind, okay? You don't gotta do anything! gah, c'mon Schwoz, if we're gonna do this, let's do it! Gah!"
"Okay, here we goes."
"Oh Ray, I gotta tell you somethin'."
"What?"
"Tomorrow, Tess and I--"
"SCPHITZ!" Ball shoots out, Hen hits it, and it hits Uncle Ray.
"Dah! I'm oh-kay. So, what'd you wanna tell me?"
"Tess and I can't make it to work tomorrow."
"Whaddaya mean you two can't make it to work tomorr--"
"SCHPITZ!" Ball shoots out, Hen hits it, and it hits Uncle Ray.
"D'oh! Still oh-kay."
"Tomorrow's 'Achievement Test Day' at school."
"Uh, you're my sidekick, that means tha--" Ball shoots out, Hen hits it, and it hits Uncle Ray.
"D'owww!!! You guessed it: oh-kay."
"Look...dude, it's not our fault. Okay? If we leave school for any reason, we can get in huge trouble."
"Okay fine, you babies. Take the day off, but it's comin' outta you two's vacation time." Since when did we get vacation time?
"Uh...I didn't know I get vacation time."
"Uh...Ah eh-you...you uh, you don't. I mean, there's no state law that says you do. So, y'know, don't even check."
"Wait a second...Are you saying that I--"
"SCHPITZ!"
"Wait, no, do--" Ball shoots out, Hen hits it, and it hits Schwoz, instead of Uncle Ray.
"He's probably all right."
"Yeah... Get some won-tons?"
"Yeah let's go."
The Next day-School
At school for this stupid test.
"Maria Von Trapp?"
"Here."
"Uh...Ruth Westheimer?"
"Present."
"And...Abraham Zapruder."
"Here."
"Oh Abraham, put that obsolete camera away. Now, does everyone have their test bookelets?"
"Yes..."
"Good. Now, you all know why this test is so important, right?"
"No."
"Not at all."
"Ulch. Henry, Jasper, stand up and explain it to the class while I rub this pimple cream on my back." Hen stands up while Miss. Shapen rubs cream on her back.
"Uh...every Christmas, the principal gives all the teachers bonuses." Jasp stands up.
"And, the higher we all score on this test, the more money Miss. Shapen gets." So, this test is all about her.
"Or as I like to say it: The better your grades, the more I gets paids!"
"Yeah, we're gonna sit down now." Hen and Jasp sit back down.
"Charlotte..."
"Yes ma'am?"
"Switch places with Von Trapp."
"Why? I don't wanna switch places."
"Well doe-ray-me don't care, now be a good female deer and move!" Char and Von Trap switch places.
"There. Now, I'm putting Charlotte in the front, 'cuz she's much smarter than the rest of you. Now, I realize that it's gonna be tempting to copy off Charlotte's test paper...hmmm? But if I catch anyone cheating, you know what's gonna happen?"
"No...what?"
"Nothing." Why is Miss. Shapen doing that with her mouth?
"Uh...what are you doin' with your mouth?"
"Winking. I have weak eyelid muscles, so I'm a mouth winker." That's gross and creepy.
"Please don't do that."
"No, no..."
"All right..."
"But cheating i-is wrong."
Yeah."
"Yeah..."
"Not when an underpaid adult tells you to do it! Now everyone, pick up your pencils." We all pick up our pencils to begin the test.
"And begin!" We start our tests and everyone but me is now copying off Char. Why is the alarm going off?