Archive of Our Own ^beta

Tony pulled the kettle off the stove as it started whistling, glancing back at the redhead eating a bowl of last night’s leftovers on the couch.

He’d been doing dishes when he heard a knock on the door, confused as he wasn’t expecting anyone and it had been storming outside for awhile. He hadn’t said anything when he opened the door to find a rain soaked and beat up Natasha Romanoff standing on his porch, just stood staring for a moment before stepping aside to let her in.

She’d carefully taken off her mud soaked boots before lingering awkwardly in the entryway, looking like she also didn’t know why she was standing inside Tony Stark’s cabin at 9 o'clock at night on a Friday night.

He’d put a hand on her back and gently ushered her into the living room, pushing her down onto the couch before running upstairs to grab a towel and some of Pepper’s loungewear. When he’d come downstairs Natasha was sitting straight up on the edge of the cushion, shaking and trying to hide it. When she came back from the bathroom, wet clothes in her hands, Tony placed a bowl of reheated soup on the coffee table and went to put the kettle on.

Once the bags had steeped for a while and the honey had been mixed in, he brought two mugs into the living room, setting one down in front of Natasha before taking the seat next to her.

As he sat down, he noticed again the blood dripping down the side of her face from a small cut above her eyebrow.

“You’re bleeding,” he said, putting his mug on the table and moving to stand back up, “let me go get the kit--”

“Tony, can you please not… do that, right now?” Natasha said quietly, putting her bowl down without looking at him. 

“Do what?”

“Parent me,” Natasha said with a huff. “There’s a reason I didn’t go back to Steve at the compound.”

Tony sighed and sat back down. 

“Sorry,” he said with a groan as his back popped. “Force of habit these days.”

He picked up his own mug but didn’t drink it, holding it between his hands for warmth. He kept his eyes on Natasha as she picked up her mug and sipped it slowly, still avoiding his eyes.

They sat in silence and he stared out the window at the storm while she drank her tea. From the corner of his eye he saw Natasha fiddle with the spoon in her bowl. He kept quiet, drinking his own tea and listening to the rain. He didn’t want to push her. He knew if he tried she might never share what was on her mind, so he was content to wait her out.

He had nothing but time these days.

“Where’s Pepper?” Natasha asked finally.

“She had meetings in the city today,” Tony said, dragging a hand down his face, “took Morgan with her. They’re all staying with May and Happy tonight.”

Natasha hummed. “And you didn’t want to go?”

Tony's face twisted into a pained grimace.

“No,” Tony said, but didn’t elaborate. Natasha didn’t ask.

They fell back into silence as Natasha finished her tea and placed the cup back on the table.

“I lost him,” Natasha whispered into the silence a few minutes later.

Tony nodded slowly. He knew who ‘him’ was. Not many ‘hims’ left for them to find these days.

“I found him in Alberta, of all places,” Natasha said, “but he was gone by the time I caught up with him. He left the usual mess.”

Tony grimaced again as he remembered what the ‘usual mess’ entailed.

“I just don’t understand why he keeps running,” Natasha slammed her hand down on the table, frustrated, “he… he leaves clues so I know where he is, where he’s going, but he’s always gone by the time I get there. I don’t get it.”

“Sounds like he wants you to know he’s still alive,” Tony said slowly, “but have you considered that maybe he doesn’t actually want to be found?”

“I have considered that,” Natasha snapped, finally turning her head to look at him, “I’ve just decided that I don’t care.”

Tony didn’t flinch or pull back, but looked her calmly in the eye while she glared at him. After a long minute, she deflated.

“I just-- I just want him to talk to me,” Natasha said, voice wavering as she put her head into her hands. “He hasn’t-- it’s been almost three years and he hasn’t even left me a note or anything. He hasn’t contacted me, or Steve, or you, or even Rhodes or Thor… I just don’t understand why.”

“Maybe it hurts too much,” Tony said quietly, “seeing you. Seeing us . Maybe that reminder is too much to deal with. Too much guilt.”

Natasha looked at Tony with too-wise eyes.

“What does he have to feel guilty for? He wasn’t even there.”

“Maybe that’s why,” Tony shrugged, “maybe he thinks if he had been there we would’ve been able to stop him.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Natasha said, pushing suddenly to her feet and pacing beside the table.  “If he had been there nothing would be different except that he might have been killed.”

“Well, I don’t know, Nat,” Tony threw his hands up, voice strained. “Maybe he hates us for losing and he never wants to see us again. Maybe he thinks we failed him and it’s our fault his whole family is—“

“Sure you’re not projecting there, Tony?” Natasha hissed, eyes frantic as she turned to him. “Sure it’s not you that hates us? You haven’t come by the compound in a while. Or is it that you hate yourself? Maybe this and maybe that. Maybe if I had done more. Maybe if the wizard had let me die. Maybe if Peter had been on Earth and not--”

She cut herself off with a gasp, a horrified look on her face. Their eyes met and Tony kept his face carefully blank, lips pressed into a tight line.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, “I-- I didn’t--”

“Why are you here, Natasha?” Tony asked, suddenly feeling very tired and about ten years older.

A tear slipped from her eye as she wrapped her arms around her waist in a poor attempt at self comfort.

“Is it so hard to believe that maybe I just missed you?” She asked, voice shaking, eyes shining.

Tony put his mug down on the table and pushed off the couch with a groan, coming to stand in front of her. With her barefoot he had a couple inches on her, and she had to look up to meet his eye. He lifted a hand to brush her tear off her cheek before pushing her hair behind her ear.

“Yes,” he said quietly, smirk ghosting his lips, “it would be a first.”

She let out a half sob half laugh, lowering her head to rest her forehead against his clavicle. She slipped her arms loosely around his waist and he wrapped his arms around her shoulders.

“You’re such an ass,” she said with a watery chuckle.

“I’m a loveable ass,” he smiled, pulling back, “it’s part of my charm.”

“It’s a good thing Pepper loves you.”

“Oh, don’t I know it,” Tony said, wiping the rest of her tears. He gave her another squeeze before pulling back entirely.

“Look,” he started, gesturing vaguely with his hand, “you-- why don’t you stay here tonight, and in the morning we can--”

“No,” Natasha said, shaking her head and rubbing her eyes. “No, I should get going. I told Steve I’d be back tonight and if I don’t show up he’ll come looking for me. Something tells me you don’t want to deal with that.”

“I’d deal with Rogers for you if I had to,” Tony said, tone joking but eyes serious.

“Oh Stark, you sure do know how to make a girl feel special,” Natasha joked blandly, picking her clothes up from the floor and going to slip her boots back on.

Tony got up and pulled an umbrella from the stand by the door, shoving it into her hand.

“Tony--”

“No, take it,” Tony waved her off, “just know that I fully expect you to bring it back. Pepper will kill me when she finds out I saw you when she wasn’t here.”

Natasha bit her lip, but nodded. She opened the door and stepped onto the porch, but turned back before he could shut the door.

“You know,” she said carefully, “you should come by the compound sometime. Everyone misses you.”

“Everyone, huh?” He chuckled awkwardly.

“ Everyone, Tony,” she said.

“I’ll think about it,” he said quietly, not quite meeting her eye.

She paused, looking into his face searchingly. 

“You know… the Avengers… the world still needs us. If you ever wanted to come back—“

“Thanks, Nat,” he said with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “But I can’t leave my family. Besides… I think I’ve screwed up the universe enough.”

Natasha’s eyes scanned over his face, her own features filled with understanding, her own eyes filled with the same guilt and self loathing.

“Okay,” she whispered. She leaned in to kiss his cheek, lingering for a second to breathe in that familiar smell of after shave and motor oil before pulling back. “See you around.”

She turned suddenly, popping open the umbrella and disappearing into the night before he could say anything in return.

Tony closed the door and took a second to breathe, leaning his forehead against the cool window panes.

He sighed, suddenly feeling all his 51 years as he turned and cleaned up the dishes from the coffee table, running them under the water in the sink before sticking them in the dishwasher and starting it. He stood in the middle of the kitchen for a second, glancing listlessly around before turning off the light and heading for the stairs.

He went straight for his daughter’s room, the door cracked and soft yellow light poured out from within.

He pushed the door open gently and leaned against the door frame, taking in the sight within.

“I hate lying to her,” Tony said, crossing his arms in displeasure, “I don’t know why you don’t just… talk to her.”

“I know,” Clint said, looking up from the doll he’d been using to play with Morgan, who sat content in his lap with her own doll. “I’m sorry.”

Morgan looked up at the sound of her father’s voice and her face lit up.

“Daddy, lookit!” She said, holding up her own doll, “We pway!”

“Yeah, baby, I see,” Tony smiled, looking down at his daughter. “Are you having fun?”

“Mhmm.” she hummed before going back to her doll, mumbling under her breath as she played.

Clint smiled down at her, and brushed his fingers through her messy hair to get it out of her eyes.

“Thanks for not telling her.”

“I’m not doing it again,” Tony said, voice hard. “Don’t ask me to do that again. I can’t.”

“I know,” Clint sighed, moving his own doll along with Morgan’s when prompted. “Don’t worry, it won’t happen again.”

“Oh?”

“I’m heading out for a while,” Clint said quietly, “Probably gonna disappear off the map for a bit. I don’t know. I just… needed somewhere to lay low for the night. Figured no one would look for me here.”

“Both of you are too alike for your own good, apparently.”

Clint snorted.

“Yeah. I’ve heard that one before.”

They both fell silent for a few minutes, quietly watching Morgan play. Occasionally she’d turn to look up at Tony, and Tony would smile back reassuringly before she turned back to playing. 

“You were right, you know.”

Tony looked at Clint, eyebrow raised.

“I don’t want her to find me,” Clint said, moving his doll in the direction prompted by Morgan, “I want her to know I’m still here. But I can’t… I can’t see her. It hurts too much. She reminds me too much of life… life before.”

Tony snorted. “And I don’t?”

“Not in the same way,” Clint shook his head, “Natasha… Natasha has always been there. For everything. She was there when Cooper and Lila were born. She… was Nate’s godmother. She was there for me when Coulson…. It’s just too much.”

“She needs you too, you know,” Tony said, “this isn’t fair to her.”

“I know. But she doesn’t need me. Not really.” Clint shrugged, shoulders tight. “She has Steve. She has the Avengers. What’s left of them. And she has you . She isn’t alone.”

“You have all that, too, you know,” Tony said quietly.

“Maybe,” Clint said just as quiet, looking down at Morgan in his lap.

Morgan put down her doll suddenly and yawned, hands coming up to rub at her eyes.

“Looks like it’s past someone’s bedtime,” Clint chuckled, picking her up in his arms and standing.

Once he was close enough, Morgan leaned over, arms outstretched towards her father.

“Hey, little miss,” Tony smiled, pulling the little girl into his arms. “You tired?”

She nodded, yawning again and wrapping her arms around Tony’s neck, head on his shoulder.

Tony leaned into the hug, burying his nose in her curls and breathing in her own unique baby smell mixed with apple shampoo. He pressed a kiss to her temple and held her close.

“You did good, Stark,” Clint said, a small smile gracing his lips, though his eyes were far away. “She looks just like you.”

Tony’s heart ached for the man in front of him.

“Thanks,” he whispered.

“I’m sorry, you know,” Clint said suddenly, borderline frantic, “about everything . Before– Germany–”

“Clint,” Tony cut him off, adjusting Morgan in his arms, “don’t– don’t worry about it. It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Clint said, clapping Tony on his arm, “but thanks.”

He smiled sadly again before turning and heading out the door, no doubt heading for the stairs, the front door, and then back out of Tony’s life for god knew how long again.

“Hey Clint,” Tony called out. Clint stopped and turned back, eyebrows raised in question.

“Just…” Tony trailed off, not quite knowing what to say to the man who’d lost everything because of Tony’s own mistakes.

Clint still had that damn smile on his face. That one Tony had recognized on himself many times throughout the years. The smile of a man who was slowly falling apart inside and knew that nothing and no one could help. The smile of a man filled with nothing but pain and nothing else to lose. A man just wading through life, waiting for it to be over.

“Goodbye, Tony,” Clint said softly.

Before Tony could say anything else, he turned and walked down the stairs. Tony stood there with a gaping maw in his chest as he held Morgan close and listened to the front door unlock and open. The soft click of the latch as it closed echoed hollowly through the silent house.