Archive of Our Own ^beta

Cas sat in the waiting room of the hospital. The harsh, cold light hurt his reddened eyes. He stared at the floor for what seemed for hours, his eyes bored into the ground as if he were trying to escape the room. Finally a hand on his shoulder jolted him out of his trance. He glanced up into Sam’s tired eyes.
“Hey, man, he’s awake now if you wanted to see him,” Sam said wearily.
“He is fine then?” Cas asked getting up quickly.
“He’s, uh, he’s okay, but, Cas, he doesn’t remember you,” Sam said quietly.
“He doesn’t remember me at all?” Cas asked slowly as if he were trying to process the bomb that Sam had just handed to him.
“Dean, remembers you, but only as his friend,” Sam replied sadly, “he doesn’t remember you together. I’m so sorry, Cas.”
Cas looked at Sam seriously, he tried to mask the pain in his eyes. “Dean will remember us, he would not forget. He told me that he loved me, Sam, I know that love does not fade away so easily,” Cas said, his voice catching in his throat.
Sam gave him a sad smile, “Hopefully,” he said.
They walked down the brightly lit hall to Dean’s room. The door was slightly ajar, as Cas pushed it open. His heart sank down to his feet when he saw Dean laying in the bed. Cas had seen him after the demon left him, but somehow seeing Dean with so many wires and machines hooked up to him made the pain so much worse.
Dean turned his head slowly to see who walked through. He broke into a smile even though it was obvious that the action caused him pain. “Hey, Cas,” he said weakly.
“Dean,” Cas’ voice broke as he said the word. He rushed over to his bed and grabbed Dean’s hand in his own.
Dean looked down at their hands. Even though he felt his heart might burst Cas quickly dropped Dean’s hand looked away.
“So, you uh ganked that demon for me right,” Dean asked with a forced chuckle at his attempt to break the silence.
“Of course,” Cas said despondently.
“Oh, well that’s good,” Dean said, “How has Lisa taken the news Cas?”
“What do you mean, Dean,” Cas asked with confusion.
“Lisa,” Dean said slowly, “My girlfriend. Are you sure that you didn’t get you head hit?”
“I am sure, Dean,” Cas replied, “and Lisa-”
He was cut off by Sam entering the room. “Doctor says that we need to him rest Cas, we gotta go,” he said, “Rest up Dean, I want to get you to the bunker as soon as possible.”
Sam quickly led Cas out of room.
“You did not tell me that he still believes that he is with Lisa, Sam,” Cas cried angrily.
“I’m sorry, I’m just trying to come to terms with this myself, Cas,” Sam said apologetically, “I don’t want to tell him about Lisa though until we get to the bunker.”
Cas nodded, “You will tell him though, Sam?”
“I will.”
A few days past. Everyday Cas would visit Dean in hopes of his memory, but he remained unsuccessful. He listened to Dean talk about how he couldn’t wait to see Lisa again, and Ben, his kid. and everyday Cas grew more and more disheartened, he no longer had any hope that Dean would remember his love for Cas. When Dean was finally able to return to the bunker Cas had realized that he would never have what he had with Dean again.

One month later
Cas walked down the dimly lit halls of the bunker to Dean’s room. He was about to knock on the door when he heard Dean speaking.
“Hey, um, Lisa, it’s Dean. I was wondering if we could talk. I can’t stop thinking about you, it’s kinda crazy actually, I, uh Dean coughed and cleared his throat, “Just call me back when you get this.”
Cas turned away from the door, his back pressed up against the cool concrete wall of the bunker. His eyes stung from unshed tears as he blinked them away. “Why, Lisa,” he thought, “Why not me?” he sunk down to the floor. The door opened and Dean stepped out.
“Hey, Cas,” he said worriedly, “What’s wrong, man?”
Cas didn’t look him in the eye, “Nothing is wrong,” he said unconvincingly.
“Cas you can tell me,” Dean said seriously. He slid down the wall until he was sitting next to Cas on the floor.
Cas looked up at him. His eyes were full of concern and affection, he stared back and inched forward slightly. Then in one quick movement he kissed Dean. Dean recoiled instantly.
“Cas, what the hell are you doing?” he sputtered.
“I love you, Dean,” Cas said impulsively.
“No you don’t, Cas,” Dean said raising his voice and getting up from the floor.
“You love me too, Dean, I know you do, because you said it,” Cas said forcefully while standing up
“I love, Lisa, Cas, you and I aren’t a thing, I’m with Lisa and you know that.” Dean yelled, his volume growing.
“She does not love you, Dean, she left you,” Cas spat.
“You don’t know shit about her feelings for me, Cas,” Dean exclaimed, “How could you know anything about love?”
Cas started at him for a moment before walking slowly up the hall, away from Dean. Tears streamed down his face as he came out of the bunker. He didn’t like this feeling, it had been there while, an emptiness inside of him. He missed Dean, his Dean. He loved him and he had loved him for so long, he couldn’t start all over again. Cas got into his car and drove away.

Dean slammed the door to his room shut. “Dammit, Cas” he thought. The kiss had disturbed him, it somehow felt right, like he had done something like that many times before. “No, Winchester, get our head outta your ass. You’re with Lisa and you love her,” his brain cried . It was true, Dean did love Lisa, with all his heart, but he couldn’t help but feel a nagging feeling in the back of his mind. Sam’s hurried entrance into the room broke his inner monologue.
“Dean, what happened, I heard you guys yelling and Cas just ran out,” Sam said worriedly.
“We uh, got into a fight,” Dean mumbled.
“About what, Dean? You guys haven’t fought like that in a while,” Sam asked.
“Well, he kissed me, and I got angry,” Dean replied curtly.
“Oh, Dean,” Sam sat down on the bed and placed his head in his hands. He looked up at Dean who was now looking worriedly at him, “Dean, before your accident, you guys, you were together.”
“You mean like, a couple?” Dean asked, his eyes wide.
“Yeah, you were pretty close actually,” Sam’s voice caught in his throat. He pulled out a small black box and handed it to Dean. “You were gonna give him this.”
Dean took the box hesitantly and opened it. Inside there was a simple wide silver band with an emerald and a sapphire embedded into it. “Sammy,” he said quietly, “Is this what I think it is?”
Sam nodded sadly, “You had it all planned out. After the hunt you two were going to take a vacation from hunting and then you would go to the warehouse where you met Cas and, well, propose,” Sam looked at him apologetically, “I’m sorry, man, I should’ve told you earlier, but-”
“But what, Sammy?” Dean shouted, “You didn’t tell me that my best friend and I were together! I was going to propose, we were serious, you don’t just not tell someone that, Sam.”
“Dean, I’m sorry, but you didn’t remember and I just wanted what was best for you. You really wanted to be with Lisa and I let you because she makes you happy, doesn’t she?”
Dean collapsed onto the bed, “She does, Sammy,” he replied sadly, “That’s why this is hard, I don’t know what to do. I don’t remember being in love with Cas, I only remember Lisa. I love her, but something with Cas, I want to love him, I want to feel the way that I did, but I can’t! I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing.”
Sam was silent.
“I need to go find him, Sammy,” Dean said getting up from the bed slowly.
“Do you want to come with you,” Sam asked.
“No,” Dean said, “I’ll be back as soon as I find him.”
Dean quickly packed a bag and left the bunker. He settled into his familiar seat in the Impala and drove off to find his Castiel.

Dean had been driving for a couple days, not really watching the signs on the road. He was glad that he had planted a gps on Cas’ car a while ago. He followed it mindlessly. He was completely absorbed with thinking about Cas. Dean’s phone had been going off like crazy, probably Lisa or Sam trying to get a hold of him, but he couldn’t talk to anyone right now, he needed to find Cas, he needed to apologize. He still loved Cas in his amnesiac state, even if it wasn’t the same love he had for him, it was still love. Dean took a quick turn and saw a figure on the side of the road in the light of dimming sun. Dean sped up, anxious to see if it was Cas or not.
He pulled up beside the figure and there he was, Castiel. Dean got out of the car.
Cas held up the gps, “Stop following me, Dean,” Cas said bitterly, “Just let me leave.”
“Cas, I can’t. Sam told me everything, and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Cas,” Dean said as his voice broke. Tears that he had held back earlier filled his eyes.
Cas looked at him painfully, he wanted to hug Dean, hold him close and breathe in his scent, but he kept his distance. “Dean, I just need sometime, okay,” Cas said.
Rain drops began to fall as the clouds that had been lurking in the sky started to release their contents.
“Can we just talk for a little bit,” Dean asked.
Cas nodded and got into the car with him. Dean turned off the car and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. The air was thick with tension.
Finally he broke it, “Cas, I just want to say that I’m sorry. I should’ve realized that something was up with you and I shouldn’t have reacted like that,” Dean said apologetically.
“No, Dean, it was my fault, I should not have kissed you. Lisa and you are together and I just want you to be happy,” Cas said sadly.
“I want you to be around, Cas,” Dean said, “You’re my friend. Don’t make me lose you too.”
The words stung Castiel, even though he knew that Dean meant well. “I need some time, Dean, just let me think about it,” Cas replied quietly.
“Okay, take all the time you need,” Dean whispered.
Silence fell once again in the vehicle. Dean’s eyelids started to droop and after a while sleep overtook him. He instinctually moved closer to Cas and started to breathe heavily. Cas looked down at the sleeping man in his lap. His long lashes fluttered every so often. Cas gently stroked Dean’s hair, lulling him into a deeper sleep. Dean shifted and a small black box fell out of his pocket. Cas picked it up and recognized it as a jewelry box. He opened and saw they ring inside. The sapphire and emerald glittered together in the moonlight in their silver prison. Cas quickly shut the box and held back sobs. Dean had bought a ring for him and now it was too late. He couldn’t do it, being around Dean was just too painful. He carefully tucked the box back into Dean’s pocket and carefully lifted Dean off of his legs. He slipped out of the car and shut the door.
Dean awoke to the hum of an engine. “Where the hell is Cas?” he thought to himself as he lifted his head up to look out the window. There he was, Cas was behind the steering wheel of his own car.
“Cas,” Dean yelled, he stumbled on the ground, “Cas, wait.”
Cas stopped the car and got out, “Dean, I need to leave,” Cas said, his eyes filled with tears.
Dean ran up to him and threw his arms around him. Cas stood there startled for a second and then returned the embrace. Their bodies fit into place like pieces in a puzzle, it was organic and it felt right. Dean buried his face into Cas’ shoulder and let out a sob.
“I’m so sorry Cas,” he said, “I’m going to miss you.”
“I’ll miss you as well, Dean,” Cas said through his tears.
Dean pulled away slightly so he could face Cas, their noses were almost touching. Dean kissed him, slowly and sweetly. It was chaste, yet full of love. Dean pulled away after a few moments.
“I know I can’t help what happened, but I just wanted your last memory of me to be good and our last kiss wasn’t so, um,” Dean grew quiet when he noticed Castiel’s face. It was happy, but so full of sorrow and weariness.
“Thank you, Dean, for everything,” He said, “I truly do hope that you and Lisa are happy together.”
“Thanks, man,” Dean smiled through his tears.
“Goodbye then, Dean,” Cas started to turn away from him, but Dean caught his hand. Cas gently pulled it away and shook his head. He walked towards his car.
“Goodbye, Cas,” Dean shouted to him as his emotions took over. Cas drove back onto the road and sped off. Dean fell to his knees and cried till his sobs shook his whole body, “Goodbye, love,” He whispered.