Work Text:
Oh, you lie next to me
Heart is beating heavily
There's blood in your ear though
Blood on your shirt
It's too late to say you're sorry
Say you're sorry still…
Lan Xichen watches Huaisang sit uncomfortable, if Xichen recalls this is the longest time if not the only time Huaisang has managed to sit in silence. Well, not true after Mingjue’s passing, Huaisang did not say a word for almost a week. He wonders if maybe they instruct him not to try and make conversation, or if he took one look at Xichen and decided against. Why did he even agree to this meeting? When it is obviously that both are uncomfortable. The instructions had been clear, only a stick of incense time for both to say whatever there is to say.
So they sit in complete silence, so far Huaisang has tried twice to say something. He has Huaisang’s expressions memorized or at least he thought, an idea comes to Huaisang and his eyes fly to Xichen as if he has finally come up with the right thing to say… Is there really something right to be said? Hazel eyes find his and then go back to his hands, biting his lips. The stick not even half way and Xichen follows Huaisang eyes that come to rest on it.
“Er…” The words echo in the walls and Xichen holds breath in waiting of what's to come Huaisang’s eyes hold his for a second longer and Xichen can see the tiredness the nights awake, the sorrow… The many lies, he blinks the feeling away and when he looks again Huaisang’a eyes are down again. “Sorry, habit…” He whispers softly to himself. “Zewu Jun.” He hasn’t heard that that soft tone on Huaisang since he was a kid. “I won’t… This Nie… This was clearly a mistake.” There’s a whisper of fabric and soft breeze coming from the door.
“Did you send the bird to spy on me?” His voice sounds rougher than he meant. He keeps his eyes fixed on the wall, he can hear Huaisang waiting at the door, perhaps thinking on what to say.
“I will never do such a thing.” Huaisang’s sounds older, colder.
“Is that so…” His eyes still looking beyond the wall. He doesn’t wait for Huaisang to answer before speaking again. “It does sound like something you will do…” A soft huff and a scoff since when does he scoff? “As if I know you anymore.” Huaisang is standing now, silent, his mouth in a thin line. “Was anything true?”
Huaisang moves now, straightens his back and breathes deep, blinking fast more than a few times, holding his head high now. “I don't think it matters.” He exhales through his nose, opening his fan. His eye towards the door. A slight turn of his feet followed by a small bow.
“It does matter.” Xichen’s voice booming. “You kept insisting on talking to me, so do it. All that you have done. How you used me. How am I supposed to believe your love words…”
“I wanted to know… I wanted to know that you were alright.” Xichen scoffs once more, but it doesn’t deter Huaisang. “Most of all, I wanted to apologize”
“Please do tell me Huaisang?” Xichen asks defiantly. “Tell me exactly from what do you repent.”
“Do you want to know how much I am covered in muck, how my hands are dripping with blood?” A deep sigh, “I do not repent from any of that all was justified, however hurting you is not.” He whispers while Xichen fixes him in the wall with a stare.
“Did you even give it a thought? Did I play my part well, Huaisang?” Xichen responds without blinking.
“Your part was not scripted, I am sorry to tell you that it just happened. Your penance, this seclusion… There is no need for you to feel sorry for anything because you didn’t do anything.” Turning to leave he adds. “Let the real villains deal with it.” There is a sudden force turning him around, and he should not be turned on but being he him and the other pushing him around his once lover, makes things difficult. His back is slammed against the wall, good thing he has had an arrangement set in order in case of his demise since long ago, one can never be too careful. He open his eyes cautiously, topping him is this Lan Xichen he had only seen in rare events and only at the hardest of war; pupils full-blown with rage, knuckles going white with holding Huaisang’s silk robes, his breath coming in short huffs.
“So you have auto-labelled yourself as a villain now, this title would be more difficult to keep; you do realize that, Huaisang?” Xichen’s breath mixing with his. “What should be your punishment then? Will I have to kill you like you did Guangyao?” His sword is still sheathed on a corner of the Hanshi, however Huaisang has no doubts Xichen could kill him with his bare hands.
“I have died in your bed while laying in your arms many times before… At least this time I can make sure you are satisfied.” Huaisang answers, closing his eyes in surrender.
There is a hand on his throat but instead of cutting the breath away, it forces Huaisang to look up, and then it happens. The last things he would even hope this morning when he woke up, dry lips are ravishing his in a bity kiss that is bound to leave traces in his lips. The hand on his neck is pressing but not hurting more like keeping him in place. The other one too busy rummaging through his clothes, in motion the lips stop kissing only for him to be turned around and shoved once more against the wall. Never before, not even when he had managed to get the best of Lan Xichen by not doing or failing to understand a task in time, or by complaining too much. While their love life had been rough, sex with Xichen was always tender making sure he was cherished and cared for, but this is just like the one of the many things he had read on his “books.” And by the god he liked it, not that the other one had been bad; but for right now he was being turned into a mess of moans rubbing himself against a wall, while Xichen kissed down his back. Xichen pushed his own undergarments not even bothering to get them off. For Huaisang’s he almost tore them apart, but at this point that was not important. What were undergarments when he was not expecting to make it alive out of here. Turning Huaisang around once more, making Huaisang’s member complain at the loss of friction. Xichen stops for a second. “This is it: he is either going to kill me or shove me outside.” Huaisang thinks in between breaths, if it were up to him, the killing will be ten times better than the shoving; however the shoving would be more appropriate, more damaging. Xichen’s hands are still holding him from the shoulders from where he was turned, his breathing as bad as Huaisang’s.
“Open your eyes. I want to see you lie to me once more.” Xichen says in between breaths, straddling Huaisang’s legs on to himself, before entering him fully knowing that preparation was not enough. Fully knowing that the moan he rips from Huaisang is more from pain than pleasure, still he pushes in, thrusting deep while his former lover can do nothing but to cling to him. One of his hands letting go from Huaisang’s thighs, only to push him back against the wall forcing his head up. “Huaisang.” He warns before trusting once more drawing another breathing moan from his lover.
“Ah… I… No lie…” Xichen thrusts once more stealing the oxygen from Huaisang’s brain, ripping another moan from him when he hits that sweet spot. “Never about this, never to you.” Huaisang’s member is leaking, making a mess on both of their stomachs. It takes but a few pumps from Xichen's free hand for Huaisang to cross over and see stars, his brain registers someone screaming, chanting Xichen’s name, and as far as he knows it has to be him. Xichen follows him quickly with a few more deep thrusts and Huaisang can feel the warmth inside him. Separating the boneless body of Huaisang from the wall only to turn around, letting himself fall to the floor still holding Huaisang, whose head had found home in the crook of Xichen's neck. Both of their breathing are still uneven. Xichen's hands seem to become sentient, caressing Huaisang's back.
"Old habits die hard." Huaisang thinks or rather tries to think his foggy from their activities, Xichen's heart racing like a mad horse.
"Huaisang." He partially hears Xichen say his name, flinching at the touch only to relax once more, borrowing himself deeper into the embrace. "Huaisang," Xichen tries once more. "I can't just forget what you did."
Huaisang squeezes his eyes shut, inhaling deeply Xichen's scent. So this is it, this is the point where he has to face reality. Slowly he pulls himself away from the embrace. "Understandable." Now he can add something worse than the being thrown away, being left behind, discarded like the trash he is. The worse is that he knows he deserves this and even worse he will take it no questions asked.
Deep breaths attempting to hold on to himself, he wonders just how much of his dignity still left, not much he gathers. Silence is his best friend now, he just has to push himself up and leave, don't bother cleaning himself. If Lan Xichen is still benevolent enough he will kill Huaisang before he makes it out of the room. Heavily he pushes his body up. The hand in his back tightens, the other one creeps onto the back of his head closed firmly around his head; maybe it will be quick just the snap of his neck, and it will be over. Open softly his eyes to look at Xichen tears on his eyes looking down at him.
“I am sorry my love. For what have I done to you, I am sorry.” Just as before, the sudden gasp of surprised from Huaisang gets swallow by the second-hungriest kiss of the night. Once again Huaisang allows it, drowns on it, his wet lashes hitting his cheeks.
“For what you have done to me, I forgive you.” Lan Xichen says pulling away from the kiss, however not letting him go. Huaisang nods simply, he tries getting up once more, only to be pulled even closer against Xichen’s robes.
In a moment Lan Xichen’s getting up, pulling Huaisang with him; he crosses the room settling both of them in bed. Hovering on top Huaisang, “I refuse to be my father. In the morning, you can leave if you so wish to. But for now, let me have this.” He pulls Huaisang closer to him, cuddling him, placing kisses on the crown of his hair almost lulling him to sleep.
“Would I be able to come back?” Huaisang says after a while, dragging the words out of throat leaving him with a vile taste. “Or have you decided to keep me away, would this be the last time you allow me to embrace you?” His heart stomping on his chest making him almost pass out, while waiting for answers, fully aware just how wrong was this for the both of them and still clinging on to Lan Xichen.
“If you do comeback, there will be no more lies between us…” The words rumbling on his chest near Huaisang’s ears. “You may keep your secrets, Huaisang, but I will not tolerate lies.” Xichen says still cuddling his lover.
Huaisang presses his eyes closed. Just how is he supposed to be able to do that, when has been torn in two wanting to spill his guts to Lan Xichen., at every chance of encounter they got. He stays quiet simply nodding, tears spilling softly into his ears.
“Can I ask a question again?” Adds Xichen voice tired.
Huaisang nods once more, eyes still close. “Whatever it is that you want to know, whatever it is you want me to do?” He wants to say, the words still stuck on his throat like thick paste.
“Did you send a magpie to spy on me?” there is no reprimand tone in his voice just tiredness.
“I… I just wanted to check on you…” Huaisang opens his eyes almost full of tears, there was o way he was going to leave this unsaid. “I… You kept refusing to see me and at this point I did not know if you ever will…” Xichen blinks at him not doing a thing to stop his tirade. “Not to spy… Never to spy… I was just worried.”
“Shhh, rest now.” Cuddling the trembling body of Huaisang.
The morning bell wakes Huaisang up, regretfully he notices he has missed his chance to leave unnoticed, Xichen still lays next to him, now on his back, while Huaisang has manage to sprawl himself on top of his Gege. Leaving now will difficult emotionally speaking, but he has too, he has to leave this beautiful man to recover from all the damage he has done to him. Carefully he starts to remove his leg from between Xichen’s, trying his best not to wake him.
“Stay.” Xichen voice catches Huaisang by surprised and for a second he thinks he imagined, only when the other curls once more to hold him. “Stay.” Xichen repeats.
Huaisang stays.